SO PICTURE THIS...

Pretend you woke up one morning and your house was pretty much in decent order. Then imagine you got involved with a project. Which then grew into another two or three projects, all the while having different work stations all over the place with your materials basically laid out in several rooms of the house.

Which THEN means you have to imagine nothing short of what looked kinda like a cyclone hit your house. And... throw in the fact that you're still in your nightgown at two in the afternoon, never having yet even brushed your teeth. THEN PICTURE...

Uh oh... your doorbell ringing. COMPANY'S HERE! OMG... that is so what happened to me a few weeks ago. And it was totally embarrassing.

I got a call from Barbara saying she and Laura were on their way over, to which of course I said great. I neglected to tell them the house and I were a wreck, although I did mention I was busy painting a picture. Turns out I threw the picture and the paints out altogether but that's a whole other story.

In the meantime, I do have to say that my company didn't complain once about the cyclone having made a direct hit into my house. Maybe that's because we were all pretty hungry and had to first figure out SOMEthing to fill our faces. My refrigerator btw, while normally quite well stocked, was sadly pretty disappointing on this particular day. Anyway, I have to give my company credit for containing their probable shock. On the other hand...

As if the cyclone wasn't enough already, next thing you know... we were all sitting in my family room, talking about my furniture layout,  trying to figure out a totally new and probably much better configuration. Don't ask.

I have had a dilemma with the configuration of my family room for years. I never USED to have a problem, but then bingo. Three years ago I bought this totally Granny looking sort of contemporary sofa, along with two recliners which I happen to love but arranging all three into a modern looking family room is so never going to happen. And... the furniture was quite a chunk of change too, so 1.) the furniture is here to stay and 2.) it's pretty much not the look I love at all.

In fact, I remember prepping my kid when first he was here to see it by saying aloud... OMG. JUST LETTING YOU KNOW THE FAMILY ROOM NOW COMPLETELY SUCKS. Then, once he saw the new furniture for himself... the very first words out of his mouth were: WHOA. WE CAN NEVER HAVE A PARTY HERE EVER AGAIN, I SEE. Apparently he too got the vibe of the crappy new look. On the other hand, he DID tell me to never let him sit on the new sofa given once seated, you never again want to ever get up. It's WAY too comfortable! Which of course is why I even bought it in the first place. Soooooooo...

In an attempt to switch things up a bit, next thing you know... Barbara and Laura came up with a placement scheme and bingo. Definitely a game Claudia would have loved playing, but she wasn't here. Anyway... we were moving furniture all over the place. Plus, bringing stuff in from the garage, the deck, etc. etc. Enter: more of a cyclone. We THOUGHT it would all look great and had high hopes for the new layout but... ummm... come to find out... in my opinion, it sucked even more. Besides, Barbara isn't all that crazy about the colorful rug I have in the room.

So whammo. Time to move everything BACK to it's original place. Which of course we did, with the final thought being: Guess what. Call Stacey, the interior designer, and have HER give me a heads' up on how to improve things in my family room.

Which I guess is now next on my List of Things To Do. Although I do have to admit I am pretty sure the only thing Stacey can possibly suggest is: UH... GET ALL NEW FURNITURE. Which of course I COULD do but I won't. Turns out the stupid little microfiber covered recliners are even more comfy than the couch. And, deep down inside I really do believe that the REAL problem is the fact the recliners and the sofa are not in proportional balance. Which means:

I'd rather keep the recliners, get a much more stream lined looking couch and THEN rearrange everything. And then naturally... finally sell the Granny Couch. Which I decided I shall sell as brand new given 1.) it absolutely LOOKS brand new and 2.) I never even ever removed the actual manufacturer's ticket. I couldn't. I could tell the moment it was delivered this was eventually definitely going to have to find a brand new home. Hopefully one that would be willing to ante up big bucks for it too, just like I did.    


So the bottom line is: thank you Barbara and Laura for not telling me to my face my home was a disaster. And oh yeah... by the way... the cyclone remnants were all spiffed up nice and neat once again by the time SNL started at 11:30. A time when of course no one rang my doorbell. Figures.

A NEWER BFF

Well, that didn't take long. Just yesterday I seriously thought Joann was my new best friend forever. Unfortunately I see that I now have to kick her out of the lineup altogether to make room for an even better one: Heather. Whom you can see in the picture above. And trust me... she really REALLY deserves the bump up.

Turns out my bank was trying to give me a heart attack today. Gee thanks Mr. Bank Teller. I was at the bank earlier this afternoon to make a deposit of several thousand dollars and when all was said and done, I just happened to ask the guy: OH YEAH, CAN YOU PLEASE GIVE ME MY BALANCE, BTW? Which he did. Uh... except for one slight glitch. Which basically went down like this:

When I saw the amount of my balance, I specifically asked: DOES THIS INCLUDE THE DEPOSIT I JUST NOW MADE? To which I was told YES. Which right off the bat made me panic. So I said... TIME OUT. SOMETHING'S NOT RIGHT. As in: where the hell is the $10k that's ALREADY supposed to in there?? This question apparently threw him for a loop since he basically couldn't actually give me an answer. It was sorta like: Gee. We don't know. All we DO know is that this is your total balance, including your new deposit. I even told him to get the bank manager over here since I could tell something was amiss. It was probably at this point that I became a nervous wreck, btw. With tears in my eyes no less.  

For obviously... all this naturally threw me into a huge tizzy since I could tell that about $10k was sorta unaccounted for. SOMEBODY had to have it and apparently it wasn't me. Seriously... I haven't yet lost my mind COMPLETELY. Granted, I can pretty much spend money like it's water but whoa. Give me a break. I do have SOME inkling of what monies I supposedly have at my disposal. Well, turns out... I do. Just doesn't mean that the bank does as well.

Anyway, don't ask. I decided to leave the bank and go running directly to my investment office which is sorta connected to my bank account to see if THEY can tell me what's what. To my total relief, after about 25 minutes, HEATHER HAD THE ANSWER. 

As in: the bank branch apparently lied to me for as it turns out... NO. THE BALANCE THEY GAVE ME DID NOT INCLUDE TODAY'S DEPOSIT AFTERALL. It COULDN'T have since the deposit doesn't even POST until after midnight tonight!! Oh MAN... what a total f*ck up it was on their part. And hence why Heather has now become my alltime favorite new buddy.

And... to drive home the point, I had Heather call my branch to TELL them they screwed up. And how they scared the ever lovin' shit out of me, too. Naturally that took another 20 minutes since at first the teller didn't want to deal with the mistake he made that practically put me in the loony bin. Until that is, I asked for Candace, his bank manager there. THEN Mr. Idiot Teller naturally couldn't have been more apologetic. Talk about too little too late however.


In the meantime, all's well that ends well and sometime tomorrow I need to go online and there I SHOULD be able to see my REAL balance which will include today's deposit as a mere addition to what I figure I should already have had. Thank God for small favors is all I can say. And.. thank God for Heather. 

Talk about calming down a crazy ass lady which I'm pretty sure is not REALLY in her job description. On the other hand, thanks to her... I'm back down on earth once again. Well... for now, anyway.  

MY NEW BFF

I only wished my Mother were still alive to see this. For 11 years I've been waiting and FINALLY... here in my little town JOANN FABRICS HAS ACTUALLY ARRIVED. I can not TELL you how excited I am. It's sheer heaven for me as it would have been for my Mother, too. There... you can see me up above as I entered the store for the very first time. I couldn't help it... I just HAD to document the momentous occasion for all of posterity.

To imagine I can now just zip over to Joann's without having to run into the big city is something I never saw coming. When first told that Joann, my new best friend forever, would be coming soon, I practically jumped for joy. Trust me... the OTHER crappy fabric stores I've had to frequent around here basically suck. Plus what I also love is the fact that the sales help is so damn friendly! It's like there isn't even ENOUGH they can possibly do to help you. Which is what I love about small town living in the first place.

So let's see. Already I've bought three different fabrics, two from which I've already made some summer pants. Next on my list is a pair of leggings out of this great looking slightly sparkly red fabric. All to go with tops I already have hanging in my closet. Boom. Outfits completed. Next on my list is to make slacks or leggings (haven't decided yet) out of this beautiful black fabric I saw with shiny silver circles all over it. Actually... I think I'll go with the leggings given they'll be more casual for this op-art design. Whatever.

Best of all however, is that the manager taught me how to download an app to my phone which then allows me to get immediate coupons front and center to use at check out... all for a 40% discount! Totally love that deal since a new one appears each and every day. Seriously... who could ask for more.

Naturally my biggest fear is that one day they'll God forbid decide to close up shop should there not be enough business around here. Which is exactly my mode of operandi of most things, I'm sorry to admit. It's like I can't comPLETELY adore great news since for all I know it can be taken from me in a split second. I know. I'm nuts. Anyway...

I am so tickled pink over this new store. I was the exact same way the first time the Epic Multiplex came to town too, btw. Even Krispy Kreme! Seriously... it takes just so little to amuse me. They even offer sewing classes but right off the bat I have to cross off those beginning at ten in the morning. Who the hell can ever be up and dressed at that hour? Besides, the first class teaches how to make a tote bag and trust me... that I can figure out on my own. Jeez... I'm thinking more like: please teach me Project Runway type of deals.

In the meantime, I'm definitely psyched about all this. It should certainly keep me off the streets during the heat of the summer and instead, inside my air conditioned home just sewing away, whipping up all sorts of creations. I can't believe what beautiful fabrics there are... most of which I naturally shan't be using given I'm not into creating wedding dresses and such. Besides... fitted clothing is so not up my alley. Oh yeah... I haven't even had a chance yet to hit the craft department, but I'll get there soon enough, I'm sure.


For now... I just feel as if I got to summer camp and in seconds flat, I made a new best friend. Now... if only I could learn how to use all these fancy schmancy stitch features on my machine. Now THAT would be a treat, indeed.

In closing... let me just say that yes. I decided to switch up my font color in honor of my becoming old. I figure this way, I can distinguish between those entries pre/post turning 65. Which I'm totally enjoying by the way.

THE RICH GET RICHER

Wow... I can't believe I finally have time to do some catch-up blogging. I have started several entries, but man... talk about time flying when having fun. I began writing plenty of times but then boom. Next thing you know, I was pulled away for one reason or another and by the time I got to complete an actual entry, almost a month has now gone by!   

Besides... get this.. I'M SERIOUSLY OLD NOW. Bingo... 65th birthday celebrations are down the hatch and I sorta do have to admit... I don't really feel ALL that much older. Well...other than next week when I have to have a colonoscopy. EEKS. But it's not the first time I've had one and it certainly won't be the last. 

Okay... so with that said...

I did something last weekend I haven't done in at least 25 years. Probably more. Get this... I not only went to Cherokee NC, which I love btw, but also... I actually went to Harrah's Casino to... OMG... gamble!! Which is kinda crazy since I absolutely hate losing money for no good reason at all. I mean really... how people want to simply throw money away is completely beyond me. Granted if I were filthy rich perhaps I'd feel way better about the whole gaming concept but as it happens, I am neither filthy nor rich.

On the other hand, I had a really good time. The ride there was simply beautiful. And the weather was fantastic which basically means it was a gorgeous day to actually be OUTside in the nice fresh air. But instead... I walked into this big, smoky crazy ass casino which knocked my socks off, right off the bat, since where ELSE can one go in this day and age... and smoke away to their heart's content inside a public building?? I was shocked.  

When first I walked in I must say I was like SO visually confused. It was crazy. There were all SORTS of lights, sounds, people, machines, and if that wasn't enough, the lay out of the huge place was nuts. A total maze. There were ZILLIONS of things to take in, not the least of which... all the card tables where folks were betting chips up the kazoo. Seriously.... I bet it took me a good half hour just to acclimate myself to the place. I felt like I was Ziggy Stardust in Fantasyland or something. My senior citizen senses were pretty much trying to take it all in as if I were in psychedelic heaven. Not that I haven't tried psilocybin mushrooms way back in the day. But whatever.

In the meantime, when I first got settled down, I set my betting limit at no more than a total of $200.00. But as I got more into the scene itself, I decided: TIME OUT. AM I NUTS?? I WILL JUST THROW 200 BUCKS RIGHT OUT THE DAMN WINDOW FOR NO GOOD REASON WHATSOEVER?? Which is when I then decided the best casino game for ME to play was the $1.00 slot machines. That was WAY more up my alley. Although it did take me another half hour just to figure out how to PLAY the slots! THERE WERE ZILLIONS OF MACHINES, ALL OF WHICH WERE COMPLETELY DIFFERENT IN RULES. Naturally, I had no clue what the hell I was doing. But...

Soon enough, I caught on. And soon enough I became a one armed bandit although nowadays you don't even have to pull the lever. Instead, you just push a button which makes your chances of losing hordes of money go even faster. It took me no time at ALL btw, to see just how addictive this game can be!! I was totally happy sitting there pushing the button over and over and over and over. Until that is, I saw that I was $45 up from the original 20 I put in. It was at that point that I basically said to myself:

HMMM... I CAN EITHER WALK AWAY NOW WITH A SAFE $45 OR I CAN STAY HERE AND LOSE $75. I took the former.

I know... I'm such a wuss. Exactly the kind of player gambling casinos never want in their establishments. My friend Max on the other hand, played hours of Three Card Poker and then walked away $500 richer! Which supposedly is sorta a slow day compared to lots of other days. Hence why I say... talk about the rich getting richer. Go figure. I totally wished it were MY mantra but no such luck. Anyway... 

The bottom line is this: I would definitely go back to Harrah's, maybe even be willing to lose a couple of bucks. But... when I do return... I am SO checking out Downtown Cherokee where for SURE you can dump money in all the crappy touristy trap shops that I totally love. It was one of my favorite parts about going to camp in Western NC for six years, actually. 


Besides... since when is an authentic pair of white leather Cherokee Indian moccasins with beautiful beading a complete waste of money? Oh man... I so have to get another pair one of these days. 

MOTHER'S DAY

So what a great day this has turned out to be. Well... other than not being able to see my kid, but that will come soon enough. What I did get to see however, was the most stunning day ever.

I knew it would be great the moment I woke up. Get this... the temp was 50 degrees! As we speak, it's in the 30s but earlier this afternoon the wind was blowing and the sun was bright and I just can't get OVER this glorious weather in the middle of May. Better yet...

Today I went to a Mother's Day fancy schmancy brunch that was delicious. Afterwards... sitting out on the fantastic patio, staring at the gorgeous mountains was simply nothing short of amazing. Seriously... some part of nature has struck me so, every day this entire season.  

In addition to all this... I not only got beautiful flowers from my son, but also got to speak to him earlier today. Ahhhh... life is sweet. I even wore one of my own Mother's bracelets today, which I love doing since that way, she can be with me on special occasions. Oh yeah... I was even able to squeeze in a great 1 and 1/2 hour nap today, too. Always a bonus.

NOW I get to get ready for the next major event of the month. My birthday, of course. YIPPEE. A week from today... 65! I am so looking forward to THAT. I get to kick it off btw, with a special luncheon in my honor on Thursday... where I'm pretty much looking forward to a delicious birthday cake with butter cream icing. My definite favorite. Not discounting of course the fact I'll be with some of my favorite people. In the meantime, all I can say is...

I think of my Mother every single day. Mother's Day or not. She taught me so much of what I know and I'll always be so, so grateful. Besides, I have her calves and ankles and they ARE basically the best parts of my body, actually. I also have her flat ass, which unfortunately is not my best body part in the least. But you know the drill... you win some, you lose some. Actually, up above, you see a picture of my Mother holding me when I was but months old. Kinda like me holding my own kid, down below. Along with a shot of my Mother with Claudia and I. And in case you're wondering... I'm the one in the big girl panties.

For now however, Happy Mother's Day to everyone... whether you're an actual mother or not. For in my book, every woman has done some mothering at some point in her life. She's mothered either a relative, a friend and surely a husband if ever she's had one. I mean seriously, men CAN be major babies at times, right?

Therefore... regardless of who it is you've nurtured, loved or cared for... enjoy the day, ladies. God knows I have!

LASTLY... ALL SPRUCED UP

Wow. After 6 days of 24/7 rain FINALLY today there is some blue sky! Although I will admit I LOVE grey, rainy skies as long as I'm indoors, relaxing and happily busy doing all my little projects. Plus, I don't even need a jacket today since I think the temps are in the mid 60s as we speak.

So what has all this rain done to all of nature outside my very own home? Get a load of the picture up above. THAT'LL tell you what's going on with nature. EVERYTHING'S GROWING LIKE WILD FIRE. Which actually, is Mother Nature at her best. Given the fact that Spring is here AND it's been raining everyday, all the buds on every tree, bush and flower are bursting out like crazy. But the buds I love most are the ones in the tree up there.

This tree is a Blue Spruce Pine I planted right smack in front of my bedroom window five years ago. I can't get OVER how many buds there are on this tree! When first planted, you had to look way down my window to see it's top. It was maybe four feet below the window sill. The entire purpose of planting it there, btw, was so that I would be able to make sure that the neighbors bathroom window, directly across from my bedroom window would be totally covered. Thus allowing ME to then be totally UNcovered in my bedroom, anytime I wanted, with complete privacy. It's amazing to me that now, after five years... guess what... NO ONE CAN SEE IN AT ALL! Yippee. Talk about mission accomplished. Which leads me to: how'd all this privacy happen, anyway?? Easy.

See all those buds on the tips of the tree branches?? Every year more and more grew and every year more and more of my window became covered. These baby buds absolutely amaze me. I see them once a year, right about now, and the next thing I know... boom... my tree gets taller and wider and my privacy becomes all the greater. So that NOW... what a delight. I don't have into see the neighbor's window and for sure, they can't see into mine. The way these buds just pop up after Winter is astounding. And... look at how MANY there are.

Even better is that I got this tree for free! For one of my birthdays several years ago, about 10 of my girlfriends got together and bought a gift certificate for me from GROWING CONCERN... a nursery here in town. I was THRILLED with the gift and marched my ass on down to the place, with the exact intent of buying myself a tree instead of plants, bushes, etc. Especially since I KNEW I wanted one right by my bedroom. Bingo. Half hour later the tree was bought, the plans were made for it to be planted and bingo. All I had to do was to sit tight for a few years and voila'. Privacy abounds.

I can't tell you how much I love this. And oh yeah... get a load of the picture below. This is exactly what I saw when I opened my front door this morning. SO fantastic. I TOLD Spring was bursting out all over! Man, I'm so loving this.

AND NOW... FOR THE FRONT LAWN

I've been pretty busy lately focusing on the stunning flowers on my back deck, which believe me... they deserve... but now... oh man, you should see what's about to explode on my FRONT lawn. The two big bushes up above without any blooms are a couple of my several hydrangeas and just WAIT til they flower. OMG. There's nothing like it. Anyway...

The same magic rain that fell on the back deck apparently also fell on the front yard, for all the gorgeous blooms are about ready to pop. The greenery has all returned from after over 5 months of winter type weather and the entire city is just all abloom right now. Including my front lawn which is just now getting it's groove on. There... you can see a picture of it up above. Unfortunately what you can't yet see are all the hydrangea blooms which won't pop out for about another month, but like I said... when they do??? OMG. THAT'S WHEN I FLIP OUT.

The hydrangeas are my favorites for they are BIG and COLORFUL and stay on the plant til almost Autumn. I have white, purple, blue and deep pinks and during the summer you can't IMAGINE how busy I will be snipping off the flower heads to put in my vases all around the house. Even the pink rhododendrons are beginning to bloom and when those whole plants are in bloom it looks amazing. I must have about six or seven hydrangeas, which right now have all gotten their leaves back but damn... it'll be just a couple weeks at least until their flowering begins popping out like corn. In the meantime...

I still can't believe how far all these plants have come in the past six years. I remember well how SMALL everything was when first planted. Now??? Lordy... the front of the house is just so happy looking every time I pull into my driveway. Not only can I see the two gardens... each on opposite sides of the front door... but the colors are astounding. Actually, all this raving about the front yard gardens is also astounding since I am SO not a gardener in the least. I keep it nice and simple... I turn on the spigot, I pick up the hose... boom... I water the flowering plants. I don't even bother with the rest of them. True... every so often I use liquid food for these lovelies, but even that too, I use with an attached hose. Talk about lazy. 

So as I see it... all the greenery is very much coming back after winter. As of yet though... while the azaleas and pansies are out in color, the hydrangeas, the rhodies, the lilies and the roses are apparently going to make me wait it out. Of course the cause for said wait COULD be that here we are, the third day of May and still the temps haven't risen above a daytime high of 64 degrees. How much do I love THAT?? Oh man... you have no idea. As a matter of fact, when I went out tonight, it was 53... I had to wear a coat!! Not my heavy winter one, mind you, but still... a coat!!!

Exactly why I moved here in the first place!! Which, btw, was the best decision I ever made. Oh yeah... here's a picture of the other garden... on the other side of my front lawn. 

Here there are three hydrangeas bushes and two rhododendron waiting to break out. I can't even believe all this greenery is BACK. Thank God. I can not tell you how I simply love the changes of each season... now THIS is a way to brighten your soul if ever there was. 

ISN'T HE BEAUTIFUL???

OMG... I so love this newest find for my Laughing Buddha Collection. Isn't he just stunning?? I was thrilled when I came across him... whom btw, I've named Sumo Tu. I had to. Turns out I THINK I already named either the one in my bedroom or the one in my kitchen dining area Sumo but I can't remember. So boom. This new one has to be Sumo Tu. I decided to rename the other guy Sumo Won. Man... I just wished I could think of the name I gave to the others, but I have no clue. Whatever. In the meantime Sazen, whom I bought a few years ago, is my favorite Buddah but he no longer lives here thus so much for HIS picture.

As it happens, I now have five Laughing Buddhas in my house. One in the five rooms in which I spend most of my time. I adore each and every one of them. Down below you can see a picture of each of them. I love the guy with his hands up in the air since he was my first. Then I found the red one who lives in my family room to greet everyone who comes through my front door. The sleeping baby on the elephant?? Oh man... HE lives on my bedroom dresser so I can happily stare at him all day long. The guy lying on his belly with his head resting in his hands? HE is fantastic and lives on my kitchen side table. As for the three on the ground, they live outside by the steps leading up to my front door.

The best thing about each of my Buddhas are their expressions. Each one has a very different personality. Sumo Tu happens to be the most regal given the detail in his robe. Plus, you should see the BACK of him. The robe is equally detailed with one shoulder covered and the other exposed. I'm so telling you... all of them are fantastic. Granted the three that are kept outdoors are becoming obviously weathered but I'm kinda liking the look. They had started out somewhat metallic looking but maybe one of these days I'll spruce them up. Keyword: maybe.

 In the meantime, I figure that anyone in my house is going to filled with laughter and good times given all the great aura I'm providing. Sort of like: excellent karma is hanging out all over the place. Which naturally is a GOOD thing. I almost feel as if a robber should ever enter my house... Sure. Go ahead. Steal my big TVs and whatever jewelry you want BUT PLEASSSSSSE DON'T STEAL MY BUDDHAS! I really do love them dearly.

So how did I even find Sumo Tu this afternoon?? Get this... for the past couple of weeks, I've been getting ALL kinds of birthday cards from my local stores, offering me discounts to please come in and spend lots of money. Boy do THEY ever have me pegged. Anyway, I got a card from the store where Sumo Tu was and as soon as I walked in, I asked: YOU HAVE ANY BUDDHAS?? Turns out this new one came in just YESTERDAY. I took one look at him and said: BINGO. DONE. I WANT HIM. So I bought him... with a 15% discount, btw. Who could ask for more??

Well maybe me, since I DO need to decide where to now place Sumo Tu. He deserves a place of prominence for SURE. I just can't figure out where quite yet. I mean... I'd hate to kick any of the others out of their place, but man, this is going to be mighty tricky. Plus... I don't want any of them to look tacky by way of overloading any one room. Hmmmmm. This can be a challenge alright, I can see already. And... I am very particular how they are angled in each room. Talk about anal, I know. Case in point:

The wooden guy is facing my bed so that wonderful lovemaking will always take place. Reddie is facing so as to greet guests when they walk in the house and so he can then see us when in the family room. The one with his face in his hands faces me specifically so he can see me as I work in my kitchen. The baby sleeping on the elephant faces my into my entire bedroom. All in all... I'm surrounded with happy serenity wherever I may be.

Anyway... yippee for me. I have the alltime best Laughing Buddhas ever and thanks to my birthday card discount, I have yet another. I totally feel their happy spirit all around me. The only belly I rub btw is the red one. Whenever I REALLY want a wish to come true I run right to Reddie, rub his belly as I make my wish and I'm so telling you... 98% of the time, IT WORKS! And if you ever come to my house, you can rub his belly too! Even better... you'll get to see ALL of my Laughing Buddhas. Here's a quick glance of what they all look like. Trust me... they are all extraordinarily special.

MAY DAY! MAY DAY!

Man... I am a sheer wreck today. And totally depressed. I can't even believe it. What a way to start off my infamous birthday month. Here's how it all went down:

All of a sudden, I decided that rather than wait out the entire month of May, I'll first go meet my friends for lunch and THEN I'll mosey on down to the Division of Motor Vehicles place and take the ROAD SIGNS TEST for renewing my driver's license.

I have had the two sheets of signs... one REGULATORY and one WARNING... on my kitchen counter for a month already, so I could practice should the mood ever strike me. And also, so I could be sure to maintain my nerves and fright over the whole deal for as long as I possibly could. Which IS my favorite mode of operandi in the first place. For some reason, I just KNEW I was going to f*ck up on the test and not be able to pass. Of course everyone ELSE said to me... DON'T WORRY. IT'S EASY... but I just had a bad feeling about it all. Turns out we were both right.  

Get this: I did in fact decide to take a chance that there'd be no lines and I went to take my test today. Besides, this way... should I fail, I'd have plenty of time to retake it. So bingo... I walked into the DMV and lucky me... I WAS THE FIRST ONE CALLED after about a mere five minute wait. The guy handed me the practice card of all the signs which he told me to hurry up and learn since they'd be calling me real quickly.

Sure enough, after just a minute of skimming the card, I was called in by Kimbraugh, a nice lady who btw, in a few weeks will be retiring after 30 years. Which is way too bad since I SO wanted her to be there when I take my test once again in 8 years. In the meantime, I told Kimbraugh right off the bat I was really nervous... and she told me it's no big deal. I should just relax. So I believed her. Come to find out... I haven't relaxed YET.

Anyway... Kimbraugh tells me to look into this machine of sorts and read all the signs. Which I did. I told her I had no clue what the blank round yellow circle meant, which come to find out was: a railroad crossing. Oops. That was the easy part, however. After doing all the signs, THEN Kimbraugh throws me a curve ball and whammo. That's where my troubles began. Now I had to look into this machine once again and then read these ridiculously teeny tiny sized LETTERS AND NUMBERS.

NONE of which I could even read btw, given my eye disease whereby I have gradual sight deterioration with each passing day. Therefore I WAS NOW A FREAKIN' MESS. Because THIS test is the one that tests your distance eyesight, which has been the bane of existence for the past 6 years. Don't even ask. I am at the eye specialist every six months to see how the retinal vascular disease is progressing. But that's a whole story onto itself.

In the meantime... Kimbraugh  then tells me to read the bottom line of these minuscule letters, Line Four. NEVER HAPPENING. I couldn't see shit thus told her no thanks. I wanted instead, to please read the top line, the one with the much BIGGER letters even though those were no walk in the park either. Uh... sadly, she declined my offer. Damnit.

Instead, I had to begin trying to read Line Three. Don't ask. I swear to God... I could hardly make anything out, but I kept on trying; squinting, moving my head a little from side to side, etc. etc. You can't even IMAGine how I was struggling to see these baby characters. My heart was pounding but plenty by this point. I am SURE I got WAY too many wrong and Kimbraugh could have easily failed me, thus  I seriously think she must have taken major pity on me because in the end... guess what?? I PASSED!!

Barely though, if you ask me. The numbers btw, were no easier for me. I am telling you... these letters and numbers were TINY. As it is, I don't drive on out of town big interstates anymore given... what a surprise... I can't read the signs up above until I'm like right smack on top of them. But here in my baby little city?? HERE I can see the streets, cars, etc. perfectly. By memory, if nothing else. So I've decided the bottom line here is several things:

1. Instead of being thrilled I surprisingly passed, I am a total mess thinking of 2020 when I'll have to take this test yet again.
2. I am hoping that come about four years from now, when it's time for my cataract surgery, my eye sight will improve. Although I know already it won't.
3. I'll probably have to lie and simply drive without a license after my next test since that I KNOW I'll fail.
4. I'll have to ante up bucks and hire a chauffeur.
5. I'll be totally depressed for the next eight years.

In none of these scenarios do I find a happy ending, I might add. I am SO screwed and I know it. UNLESS... as I've already told my doctors... they write me a note saying to the NCDMV: Don't worry. This lady will be perfectly fine on the roads around town. Big deal if she can't see names of the streets or stores or whatever... she CAN see the cars, people, yellow lines and traffic lights.

To me that's all that should count, anyway. It's just the DISTANCE stuff I can't see. Which I'm sorry to say... the DMV is pretty big on. Oh yeah... Kimbraugh also told me that to pass the driving test, you need to have a minimum of 20/50 vision. Which is exactly what I have NOW. Can you imagine what I'll have in 8 years?? Plus... I think she said you should be able to see all these signs from at least something like 26 feet away. Which on this test machine... mimicing real life distance... was definitely a stretch for my eyeballs.

THEREFORE... OH MAN. JUST SHOOT ME NOW, PLEASE. I have been so damn crestfallen ever since I came home from the whole experience that you wanna guess what I did about an hour ago?? I DOWNED SIX CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES LICKETY SPLIT!! True, they certainly helped to calm me down somewhat, but I could have SO easily eaten an entire dozen were I not so afraid of the sugar content. Besides... you have any idea how many I'm going to need to eat by 2020 to ease my depression?? Don't ask.

In the meantime, I don't even know what to say. Plus, I don't even know who to bribe, should the time ever come. All I CAN say is: this totally sucks. Talk about where is Morgan Freeman when I need him?? Oh yeah... there WAS one good thing to all this, btw...

The picture on my new license is FAR better than on my old one. Some comfort, huh?

BODY STYLE

OMG... I can't believe this... after YEARS of trying to figure out my body type I had an amazing revelation this morning. FINALLY... I can now officially declare that indeed I even HAVE a body type. Sitting down?? I'M BUILT LIKE A SUMO WRESTLER!!! Whoa... now THERE'S a rude awakening, if ever there was!! But seriously...

The more I thought about it, the more it made total sense. First of all, my Mother was of Japanese descent. Second of all, I have a very broad back from shoulder to shoulder. Third of all, my crappy ass belly is WAY bigger and rounder than my ass which unfortunately, is totally flat. Pretty much like God just turned my head around 180 degrees. Fourth of all, like the wrestlers, my sagging breasts are like a nightmare. Fifth of all, I have always been a cubbette. And sixth of all, for most of my adult life, I even wore my hair pulled back into a chignon at the nape of my neck.

BINGO. I'M A FREAKIN' FEMALE SUMO LADY. Oh my Goddddd. Soooo not the kind of news that can be good.

On the other hand, I am completely in love with the entire concept of sumo wrestlers. They simply strike my curiosity from the get go. Can you imagine... you're actually GROOMED TO BE HUGE?? As in: you're deliberately fed to be as fat as you possibly can. Now THAT'S a concept that can be intriguing. Talk about having my name written all over it. Plus, get this... the wrestlers love naps! Now if that isn't me, what IS? In fact, the wrestlers take one after their largest meal just to be SURE they pack on the pounds!

Supposedly sumo wrestling is a "sport" although I'd almost have to say that to align this to a sport would be kinda like saying synchronized swimming is a sport, which I don't care what anyone says... it's not. It's more like fun in the pool, if you ask me. But whatever. Anyway, the REAL meal these wrestlers have eat to stay so "in shape" shall we say, is beef stew with plenty of veggies... which I just have to say... I love TOO! Here... you can learn alot more about the life of a sumo wrestler by clicking on THIS. I love the fact, btw, that all wrestlers live in "stables". I know... crazy, right?

Sumo wrestling began as entertainment for the Shinto Gods, also known as Kami. And oh man, would I ever love to be entertained, alright by actually seeing a match up close and personal. If my Mother were alive, I'd almost have to ask her to please call her relatives and find out if any happen to be wrestlers. That would SO put me over the moon. For now however...

Here I am on Earth, pretty happy that I finally have a defined body type. I'm not lean nor thin. I don't have the Apple or Pear Shape body but instead... I have A SUMO BODY. Believe me... that's way beyond Specialty Sizing in Nordstrom's or Lord & Taylor's. What bright idea will pop into my head tomorrow, I have no clue. I'm just glad that today, I discovered my body lookalike. And of course pray that should I ever reTURN to this world yet again.... I'll then have the shape of a supermodel. If only.  

LET'S DO BREAKFAST

Basically anyone who knows me well, also knows that I have a huge appetite. On the other hand, I rarely eat more than one full meal a day... the rest of the meals for that day consist of either leftovers, cottage cheese or a huge salad. Case in point: tonight I am going to a dinner party, thus I had nothing to eat but a small croissant about noon, I guess. I'm saving the rest of my appetite for tonight's dinner. And naturally, tonight's dessert.

However the day I really want to focus on is last Wednesday, when I met two friends for breakfast. Finally. The diner we love to go to decided to wise up and serve breakfast all day long. Which is good since I never eat breakfast, my favorite meal btw, before 11 o'clock at the earliest. Which means I practically NEVER get to dine out for my breakfast delights given almost all restaurants stop serving them at just about 11.

Delights which you can see in the picture up above. I just had to take a picture of it, given that in real life, you have never SEEN so much food for one person that it freaked even ME out... the person who actually ordered the meal. On the other hand, this is pretty much my standard meal when I'm out. 

I always start with the cranberry muffin as an appetizer (the top of it only) then I order eggs, grits, sausage and then a side of one blueberry pancake. This is pretty much my morning meal at any restaurant in which I'm dining. Especially diners. Anyway... I had no clue the meal came with a buttered English Muffin so as you can see, I just HAD to have a couple bites of that, too. Man, was it delicious. All in all, I loved the entire meal. In fact, I've included an AFTER picture down below just so you could see how much I downed when all was said and done. In the meantime...

There were three of us there on Wednesday and we had been seated in the little corner of the room, where I have sat often. The table is wonderful... although I must admit there is one drawback; the table faces the only bathroom in the place with a short hallway leading to it's door meaning: you get a pretty good view of who enters and/or leaves. Which I suppose can either be a blessing or a distraction, depending upon one's urgency but whatever.

On Wednesday however, I'd have to say the bathroom turned out to be a distraction. Wanna guess why?? Get this: there I was, chattering along merrily with my friends when I noticed some big guy leaving the bathroom. I looked up and saw not only the guy right by me BUT ALSO... that the guy left the light on AND HE LEFT THE TOILET SEAT UP. I wanted to throw up imagining ME HAVING TO DO HIS DIRTY WORK should I need the facilities next.

Therefore I IMMEDIATELY I called out to the guy... HEY! HEY! UH... YOU'RE NOT QUITE FINISHED. FORGET ANYTHING?? YOU BETTER COME BACK AND CHECK OUT THE BATHROOM ONCE AGAIN!! I'm telling you why men leave their disgusting toilet seats up is beyond me. Anyway, in a flash, once he got the puzzled look off his face, he did in fact come back, see that the lid was in the up position, put it down with his foot, turned off the light and then strolled right back by me once again. Grumbling, I am SURE: That stupid bitch!!

But I didn't care one damn bit. Why the hell should I have to fix his tasteless bathroom habits just because he doesn't?? I'm telling you... it was crazy. Of course, AFTER he finished, I did begin counting all the people who went in after he did... seven in total... and then I realized: OMG. I HAVE TO USE A TOILET SEVEN F-ING STRANGERS USED BEFORE ME??? Oh man... so not my style. Of course, half the time I have no choice, but still.

Anyway, the three of us got a slight kick out my reprimanding the guy and I have to say I think I'm lucky the guy didn't just shoot me. Like since when was I ever appointed the Bathroom Police? On the other hand I had no regrets whatsoever. In fact, I'm almost thinking of bringing a homemade sign the next time I go there stating: ATTENTION MEN: PUT DOWN YOU F-ING TOILET SEATS SO THE REST OF US DON'T HAVE TO. AND OH YEAH... WASH YOUR HANDS AFTERWARDS, TOO! That's all I need... to know they used their filthy hands to open/shut the door. Oh man... don't even get me started on THAT.

In closing... thanks for letting me vent and as a present, I'll let you see how much I ate. With sheer delight, I might add.

GULP... NOT LONG NOW

OMG... just three weeks from now and bingo. I'll officially be old. Well, according to this latest card I got in the mail, anyway. I have to tell you... when I opened the envelope, I was THRILLED I could now get free membership at the gym although I don't know yet where I'll be able to fit yet MORE exercise into my basically lazy life. True... I do yoga every night and I go to core training each week but NOW... oh man, the powers that be apparently want me to become MAJOR fit. Not necessarily up my alley, but okay. I get it. I realize that reaching 65 IS a major milestone and basically, I am thrilled about it. 

First of all, I could be dead, so reaching 65 is actually a good thing. Plus... being kaput would make it much harder to enjoy yet another birthday cake in my honor. Second of all, I am in pretty good health so that alone is a blessing. Third of all, I have some happy celebratory plans and that's always fun. Although I AM keeping it kind of low key this year, since way more than being in my glory over my birthday... I am FAR more in my glory over the fact I will be saving thousands of dollars each year for medical care. Seriously. And fourth of all... isn't 65 like the new 50?? Bingo. I'm young again.

In the meantime... in honor of my upcoming birthday, a couple of months ago I started a sort of contest. I decided I wanted an official photo of me to mark the big event. Thus... I let everyone I came across have one shot at taking a picture of me and in the end I would choose the winner. Guess who it was. Think: CLAUDIA. 

As it happens... she was here one day... took the camera... snapped off several shots and bingo. One of them was the winner. You can even see it down below here. Now, I'm not saying it's the prettiest picture I've even taken, but something in my face makes me happy. I can't pinpoint the reason exactly, but when you get right down to it... who gives a sh$t. I just know something about it makes me smile. Maybe it's the fact that in a photo of me at 50, I have pretty much the same expression in the shot but whatever.

Okay. So then... I decided I would trace myself back through my 60s and see what the F I looked like all these years. By clicking HERE you can catch a glimpse, btw. It's kinda freaky, given there are several different looks, yet I remember them all. As well as remember the times the pictures were actually taken. Even the very first one which yes, I know... I wasn't in my 60s back then. Think instead: nine years old. Regardless, what gets me even more than anything is the shot from my birthday LAST year... the one with the balloon right behind me. Whoa. What a switch up if you ask me.    

So all in all... as long as I don't kick the bucket anytime before the middle of May, I am kinda tickled that I'll soon be an official Senior Citizen. Especially since that when I began this particular blog, I was merely approaching it. Yikes. Talk about time flying when having fun. All I know is: I'm not my Grandmother's 65. Not even my Mother's, maybe. Although I must say, my Mother WAS a beautiful woman, even at my age. Anyway... without any further ado... ta dum... announcing the official portrait of me as a Senior Citizen. Unless of course, a better snapshot of me should ever pop up.

MORNING GLORY

Oh man... I feel so badly you can't be sleeping at my house right now. Let alone in my bedroom. Why?? Because when I woke up today... I did the same thing I immediately do every morning when I get out of bed. I opened my bedroom door that leads to my outside deck. And today, as SOON as I opened it, having already heard the chirping birds next to my bedside window, I had just one thought in my mind: I CAN'T BELIEVE HOW LUCKY I AM TO BE WAKING UP TO THIS EVERY DAY. IT'S TOTALLY STUNNING. And it's true. My view is just so glorious. And so very beautiful. It is simply remarkable to me that I am able to begin my day this way. 

So what is this fantastic view that has me so enthralled? Well, remember the Spring flowers I planted all over my deck about 6 weeks ago?? Guess what? THEY'RE ALL NOW SO HUGE AND SO STUNNING it takes my breath away. It's like the rain this month has had some magic water in it or something. I've never SEEN my flowers grow so bold and so colorful and so HUGE. I'm telling you... it's just a shame you can't be here to see this each morning. Or afternoon. Or even at dusk. Of course tonight there ARE frost warnings given the overnight temps will be in the low 30s, but my plants will make it just fine, I am sure. In the meantime....

I just HAVE to post some pictures here for you to check out. You won't believe it. You can see them down below. And... oh yeah. As if it wasn't enough to begin my day with such glory, you should have SEEN the full moon out tonight!! That too, took my breath away. It's huge, it's bright, it's nestled right smack in between my large trees and it's simply amazing. I ran for my camera when I got home tonight but trust me... the shots just don't do it justice. Regardless... I know. I got carried away with taking pictures of the flowers but whatever. I just couldn't help it. 

So what can I say? In the end, I get to start the day with nature's beauty. And I get to end the day with nature's beauty. Thus... seriously... how lucky am I!! Thank you God for all my blessings.

WARNING: HARD CORE PROFANITY

A word to the wise. If you find it difficult to deal with obscenity then I suggest you read no further. You'll surely flip out of your ever lovin' gourd should you decide to proceed.

If on the other hand, you're like me and are little bothered by irreverent four letter words and or concepts, then boom. Have I got something for you tonight. As in: a cartoon from Mr. Fish. Ever hear of him??

Turns out he's a political cartoonist. Not one you'll ever see in the New York Times mind you, but a cartoonist nonetheless. And, pretty filthy at times, too. Which frankly is basically easy for me to handle. Gore?? Blood?? Human slaughter?? Dead people in coffins?? Oh man... I'd rather have root a canal before I see anything like that. EVER. But satirical sacrilege?? I'm usually your target audience. 

Regardless... in the name of educating, here is a direct quote from Mr. Fish's website whereby either he himself or someone else offered up his bio: "Mr. Fish lives in Philadelphia, PA. He never asked to be born. Occasionally, he laughs his head off. His mother has no idea what he’s up to. She cries very easily. For more information, date him."

LOLOLOL How much do I love that?? Short and sweet and very much to the point. After reading this, I'm SO thinking of updating my Facebook profile, trust me. Of course, I'll have to personally name mySELF as the one who cries easily since that describes me to a T. Anyway...

I came across this cartoon the other day... and only WISHED I could send this message to every Republican on the planet. Talk about "I couldn't have said it better myself!" Besides... after you read this, you'll see why I can simply add nothing more. Other than: given the conduct of how our Republican Congressmen legislate for the common good, they pretty much deserve such a succint conclusion. Oh yeah... I just hope I don't kicked off my blog site. That said, here you go. Uh... be prepared.

Yeah I know. The last line in the cartoon is totally unnecessary but whatever.

HOLY MOTHER F

Whoa. WHAT A DAY. I swear to God... I feel like I'm watching a 24 hour movie and I can't believe it's NOT  a movie. Can you beLIEVE what's going on in Boston? Man oh man oh man. This guy is FRIED. Speaking of which, as we speak I'm hearing reports the boat is on fire which may or may not be true.

This was just the most incredible day for Bostonians. Not to mention for me. I never watch Cops and Robbers whether it be TV or film. But TODAY?? OMG... I've been GLUED to the television as I've been busy doing some hand sewing. I even had to cancel plans tonight since I am MESMERIZED by all these reports. I can't even explain it but boy am I ever hooked.

I am also STUNNED that within hours of the bomb explosions at the marathon boom. I see pictures not only identifying the suspects but ALSO have them named. WHOA. Talk about Johnny on the Spot for the law enforcement teams! Simply incredible. Which only goes to show... DON'T EVER DO ANYTHING ILLEGAL. The cops will have you in the slammer quicker than you can say: CAN I CALL MY LAWYER, PLEASE??

I love the way, btw, the parents of these two boys say: WHAT? MY KIDS?? ABSOLUTELY NO WAY. Sorry folks. Apparently you have no idea what your sons are REALLY into. Can you even imagine?? From what I've learned these two boys had such promise and bingo. They become terrorists and/or dead. I'm telling you... if I should ever see MY kid on TV for any reason other than he won the lottery, just go ahead and shoot me.

All I know is that 1.) poor Boston has been through hell this week and 2.) don't ever f*ck with the American law enforcement agencies. I totally love that we have such fantastic capabilities to track down the bad guys. I mean seriously.... out of nowhere they find pictures of the suspects (thank you Lord & Taylor) and then bingo they have their names, their address, their computers, their movement, etc. etc.

OMG!! HE'S ALIVE AND IN CUSTODY!! AM OFF TO WATCH TV!!! What an end to such a freakin' remarkable story!! 

THEY SHOULD ALL... UH... BE SHOT

Shameful. Simply shameful.

I know... my title is a bit harsh and kinda overstated, but honest to God... how these U.S. Senators can sleep tonight is beyond me. The Representatives are no better, btw... but for now... it's the Senators of whom I am just so ashamed. HOW DARE THEY not pass stricter background checks for those whose who purchase guns! I could shoot the whole lot of them, damnit. Well, if I were into guns, that is. They so deserve it though.

In the meantime, are they out of their MINDS?? There's a problem for them assuring mental idiots or those with major arrest records don't have access to assault weapons?? Let alone hand guns?? I am just speechless. It also KILLS me that with the Democrats being in the majority WE STILL couldn't pass this very important bill. What?? All of a sudden it's a BAD thing to protect others by checking the backgrounds of those who have no business owning guns?? I am simply flabbergasted. And pretty much devastated.

I could go on and on ranting and raving about how pathetic U.S. Congressmen appear to be. They should ALL be kicked out on their asses and let me and all my friends run this country! Jesus... we could whip common sense back into legislating law in NO time! And save zillion of dollars too. 

YOU'RE GAY AND WANT TO GET MARRIED? Go the fuck ahead. What the hell do we care? Love and be happy. Boom. Done. YOU WANT TO BUY A GUN?? Fine... but first we have a little background check we want to do to be sure YOU'RE STABLE AND RESPONSIBLE. Fine. Done. But nooooooooooooo... this is way too out of the box for our elected politicians. YOU WANT TO BUY POT AND STAYED STONED OUT OF YOUR GOURD ALL F'ING DAY LONG? Sure. Go ahead. Of course, you'll never pass a drug test for a really decent job, but hey. Do whatever the hell you want. Bingo. Done.

Oh yeah.... and when all my friends and I are finally in charge of Congress and YOU'RE A LOBBYIST?? Easy. We'll simply say: Get the hell out of my office NOW. People elected me to legislate for the common good and welfare of all citizens. YOUR BRIBERY IS NOT NEEDED NOR WANTED. Drug lobbyists, gun lobbyists, insurance lobbyists, BANKING LOBBYISTS... they're ALL disgraceful in my book. STOP BRIBING MY CONGRESS TO HELP YOU MAKE EVEN MORE MILLIONS, FOR GOD SAKES. I hate the whole lot of you.

Yeah. Yeah. As you can see, I'm pretty peeved tonight. I hate the fact I live in a country that is going down the toilet faster than any decent civilization I can think of. People can't find work. People can't get medical care. People can't even get an education. People can't feed themselves nutritionally. BUT CONGRESS AND LOBBYISTS?? Oh man. THEY are living high on the hog and laughing all the way to the bank. Uh... right before they stop in at Wall Street that is. I'm pissed and I don't want to take it anymore!

Where are the ethics of these people?? Where is the decency in them? WHERE THE FUCK IS THEIR COMMITMENT TO MAKING THE UNITED STATES THE SAFEST, STRONGEST, FAIREST, HEALTHIEST, BEST EDUCATED PEOPLE ON THE PLANET EARTH?? Not to mention the most financially secure county in the world? Jesus. I am just so alarmed at the direction our country has been going for YEARS now. And basically you should be, as well.

I am just SO DAMN THANKFUL I have only about 20 years left to go in this criminal and crooked society we now find in Washington D.C. By then, I should be kicking the bucket and all I know is: GOOD F-ING LUCK TO MY KID AND HIS ENTIRE GENERATION. They so are being cheated out of innocence, decency and a protected quality of life. And replaced with WHAT?? Greed? Terror? Global Warming? GUNS IN EVERY CLASSROOM???? OMG. Forget about shooting Congress. SHOOT ME instead.  

And btw... as for bringing God into the whole fray of all our legislative process??? Oh please. DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED. I want to spit on the guy who suggested the RELIGION BILL making Christianity the official religion of our country. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? So much for the first amendment alright. Have they not HEARD of freedom of religion? As in: why our country was even founded it the FIRST PLACE?

When I'll calm down from all this... I have no clue. Just be sure that YOU VOTE EVERY IDIOT OUT OF OFFICE that you possibly can. And uh... if you're smart... elect ME. I'll bring in a SLEW of intelligent, educated, fair, responsible, clear thinking friends in a heartbeat. The only Tea Party WE'LL be thinking about is: the kind of tea that you... uh... don't even have to brew... if you catch my drift. Talk about Making Peace, Not War.