Sunday, September 28, 2014


Man... I never thought the day would come. Finally. AUTUMN is here! No real color change yet, but it matters not. The temps are delightful and the season has begun. Next thing I know Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas will be here! Yippee! Of course, a probable harsh winter will ALso be here, given the Almanac calls for crazy ass snow which will then mean power outtages, icy roads, COLD temps, but whatever. I have my generator and Ativan so bingo. Who needs more?

In the meantime, in preparation for all these events, I had to have two problematic Poplar trees in the front of my house cut down. IT WAS LIKE THE FIELD TRIP OF A LIFETIME is all I can say. You can not beLIEVE what an experience this is!! I was wonder struck to say the least.

It all began with Nick and his team who brought enough machinery to cover the entire street in front of my house. I totally felt as if he was getting ready to perform agricultural heart surgery. But whoa... does he ever have his team all prepped and ready to go. It was amazing!

I took a zillion pictures of the entire procedure and you can even view them by clicking on this Link.

I just couldn't help shooting away given 1.) I had never seen anything like this before and 2.) it was WILD. Seeing Nick hanging on a cabled harness about 100 feet... maybe more??... in the air was astounding! I told him: BOOM. THIS ONE'S FOR YOUR MOTHER!

Anyway, the way this operation goes down is something else. The guy who maneuvers the HUGE iron hook which will handle all the cables does so with amazing precision. He has to. Otherwise he'd either drop and/or kill Nick altogether or have the tree totally crash into my house. 

Next thing I see Nick is lifted way way up into the air so he can apparently wrap some rope I guess around the tree truck. THEN if I remember correctly, the tree is sawed at some mid point and whammo. The hook and cable carry the top of the tree, in mid air, back down to the street for grinding. Granted... this is a major watered down description for in actuality everything the surgical team does is pretty damn complicated. AND SCARY.

The whole event took maybe a couple of hours. And oh yeah... I had asked that they not cut the tree stumps flush with the ground. First of all, they never do so I knew I would trip over it and definitely kill myself. Secondly, I decided i wanted to make a bench of sorts by buying a piece of lumber to reach from one stump to the other so I could put flower pots, etc. upon it. Which brings me to the Pumpkin Patch.

SEE THE PUMKINS IN THE PICTURE UP ABOVE?? I totally love welcoming the fall season with these treats! I know... it looks pretty much lame for now, but soon enough I'll add gourds or SOMEthing around the area to make it all pop. Or... maybe not. We'll see. Regardless... I absolutely love the ability of decor possibilities these tree stumps afford me. Major great idea on my part, if I say so myself. In the meantime...

HAPPY AUTUMN EVERYONE! A nip is finally in the air, and the holidays are just around the corner. Which reminds me... I got THE best Xmas decorations ever. Get this... I have been eyeing a product for YEARS and I finally broke down and bought them. Sitting down??

I bought six sparkly colored laser lights that shine onto your home or landscaping or whatever and ARE WAY COOL when you see them at night. Like a party happening all over the exterior of your house! I bought green and red and btw... you should SEE what they do to the interior of the house for a party or whatever. I'm totally psyched to see what they'll look like when they're stuck in the ground and plugged in over Thanksgiving weekend. And... just in case I CAN'T get them to work... here's what they're SUPPOSED to look like. Crossing my fingers! 

P.S. If I EVER see any of my neighbors copying me... I'm totally reporting them to the Homeowner's Association.

Friday, September 19, 2014


Okay. So I'm now up to 60 recorded episodes of Everybody Loves Raymond, but who's counting. Other than it's beginning to use up zillions of my allotted space on the DVR. Whatever. What I'M REALLY into this week is the absolutely FANTASTIC documentary on The Roosevelts on PBS.

It began Sunday night and is on every night this week, I guess and I'm totally telling you there is nothing better you could possibly be doing than watching this series. In fact, every American should be mandated to watch this if you ask me, before they're allowed to vote. Not that the show has much to do with voting per se, but it's incredible as to the telling of history in the United States. So basically... as you can see... I'm loving every second of this show.

No wonder. I not only love politics, but I love biographies even more. Plus... I adore dynasties, so watching all about the Roosevelts is so up my alley. And to make it all the better... I get to actually SEE AND HEAR all the people which of course you can't do in a book. The first two episodes seems to center alot on Teddy Roosevelt and well it should. Learning and seeing from whence he came and where he got, is just astounding. The respect one develops for this amazing American is beyond belief. To me... Teddy is possibly THE most genius President we've ever had. The fact that Franklin and Eleanor is thrown into the mix is mere icing on the delicious cake.

One of my favorite quotes of the night was from one of the narrators who basically said: The Founding Fathers saw our government as laws which are spelled out specifically and thus must be adhered to accordingly. Teddy Roosevelt, on the other hand saw our government in a way whereby if the Constitution does not specifically prohibit an activity by law, then boom. It's legal and we're totally allowed to do it. Kinda edgy thinking, right?? I don't know if I expressed this correctly, but regardless... it's very much Teddy's way of "thinking outside the box" if you ask me.

In the meantime, I can't get OVER the personal obstacles the Teddy, Franklin and Eleanor had to overcome in their lives. Which naturally groomed them to then become the major personalities of our history that they indeed have. Me? A personal obstacle? Boom. I collapse and fall into bitching and complaining and worrying and crying. Them? They totally see each and every almost horrific obstacle they come upon as a challenge to overcome and move forward. I'm telling you: there is no way Sarah Delano Roosevelt would have EVER put up with the likes of me. So... the bottom line??

Hit your tablet and download the PBS app and begin streaming this series or check out ON DEMAND and begin recording it. You SO won't be sorry and it almost makes the Kennedy brothers look like big high school losers. Well... not really, but I do believe the Roosevelts were of finer society. And oh yeah. Speaking of TV...

Thank GOD Bill Maher is back!! I was lost without him this summer but I must say... his return last Friday night was spectacular. Not only did he do his REAL TIME show live, from Washington, D.C. but IMMEDIATELY after it, within 5 minutes, he ran right smack over to do a double DC LIVE event at the Warner Theater for yet ANOTHER performance, but this time, an hour of his stand up. IT WAS FANTASTIC! All I can say is: I could live on this sort of television entertainment for ever! Who the hell could ASK for anything better?? Which only means...

I've been in TV heaven this week. Which is good, given that any day now, I will need to wean myself from the nightly news broadcasts altogether. Don't ask. If you're not suicidal to begin with, you well could be, by the week's end of daily news reports. Thank God for documentaries and comedies. I am totally their target audience. 

Monday, September 15, 2014


Geez... Now I REALLY have consider shooting myself. Especially since I just now finished waiting 2½ months for Bonnie to heal from her broken pelvis so she could finally return to working with me. Whew. Totally thrilled on my end. 

BUT THEN... what do I hear today?? OMG.

Teresa has fallen and broken three of her ribs. And God only KNOWS when she'll be back. I'M TOTALLY FREAKED needless to say.

In the end, I was able to kinda handle what Bonnie does for me, and while she was gone indeed, I did get through it. Not happily of course, but I did it. BUT TERESA?? CLEANING A HOUSE?? I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW WHERE TO FUCKING BEGIN TO DO THAT!

Well wait. I CAN begin by saying: all the those things I see Teresa doing each week?? I SO don't want to do them. EVER. I hate cleaning. I hate dusting. I am NOT doing the toilets. I CAN'T change the sheets given my own back problems and while I can probably sweep my floors, I'm in no way going to vacuum my carpets. I'm at a total loss here as to what Plan B is going to be, considering that in spite of my hatred of doing housework, I do love a house that is spic and span. And therein lies the rub if ever there was.

Teresa goes to the doctor today to find out what the latest is. My personal fear is  that the latest means: her being out of commission for what? Six weeks maybe?? Can a house even GO that long without cleaning?? 

Uh... I'm thinking not but believe you me... I'm going to stretch that out for as long as I possibly can, alright. Trust me... merely keeping my house ORderly each week is a challenge in and of itself. I can wash dishes and clean the kitchen and do the laundry. BUT I CAN'T CLEAN AN ENTIRE HOUSE FOR GOD SAKES. Seriously... I've NEVER cleaned a house before and I totally don't plan on starting now.

Which means: I basically have to decide which crap I can fake and which crap I have to tackle. Its always amazed me to learn that several of my friends actually clean their homes themselves. HOW I have no clue. No sooner do you get finished with one job then boom. It's time to not only start another job but then in but days, it's time to begin all the jobs all OVER again from the start. Talk about never ending! Plus... these women seem pretty content with their own housework. HUH? How is that even possible??

Listen... I'm pretty pleased with my gardener, my househelp, my personal assistant, my service folks, etc. etc. I'm NOT pleased that I have to actually beCOME one of them. I just can't believe all this. BTW... I have this motto by which I live wherein I never begin a new project until I've cleaned up from the one before. It can be cooking, it can be cutting fabric, it can be unpacking, it can be anything. Boom. I need to start with an absolutely pristine work place. 

Which all points to the fact that now, without Teresa, I'll be bringing a whole new meaning to my other motto: Cleanliness is next to Godliness. Thus... I'm almost wondering if I need to begin punching a time clock or something just to be sure I get all my chores done. Or even better... I just may have to revert to the nursery rhyme song: "This is the way we wash our clothes, wash our clothes, wash our clothes. This is way we wash our clothes so early Monday morning." Luckily the REST of the verses will tell me exactly what to do on every day thereafter. 

All I can say is: I can not WAIT until Teresa is up and running again. I'll miss her more that anyone can imagine. She does sound in great spirits, however. And, she is FAR from lazy, thus she is eager to get back to normal. Which only means: For now, I am on my knees... not scrubbing my floors, mind you... but instead: praying Teresa gets better and SOON. My poor house is so in need of her weekly expertise. Not to mention... MY OWN need of her weekly help. 

Dear God: Please help Teresa heal lickety split so I can have a spic and span house once again, REAL soon. Besides... Teresa is totally deserving of ALL your blessings so I kinda hope you're listening. Thank you, God. Amen.     

Sunday, September 7, 2014


Five years ago, I basically had no problem whatsoever with aging. Life was pretty snappy and everyone in my life was swimming along pretty well. But now... five years later??

Oh man... I am just so sick... no pun intended... of people I know who are... what else? SICK. And I mean, REALLY sick. From like out of the freakin' blue, boom. They are being told uh... sorry, you've got but months to live. WHAT?? WTF ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?? WHO THE HELL SAID? WHY? WHAT'S GOING ON? Some people in fact, have alREADY kicked the bucket. It's crazy.

THANK GOD that so far I've received no such news. I've not been diagnosed with any major diseases. Instead... I get CONDITIONS. Now, how the hell long THAT will last I have no clue, but I do know I'm not going through any major treatments to give me what? Another miserable eight months? Because trust me... the treatments just want to make you WISH you were dead.

Anyway... the older I'm becoming , the more shocking it is for me to hear of those around me becoming sick. Just last week for instance, a friend of mine was told, after six months of having been to doctors to find out why she's feeling so rotten: Guess what. You've got stage four cancer and have like 30 days to live! Don't ask.

Which is why it was even MORE shocking to me last week to learn of the death of Joan Rivers. Thankfully SHE HAD NO illness or disease. She was happy as a little lark, dining out, doing book tours, selling her clothing line on QVC, doing FASHION POLICE, performing on stage, etc. etc. This woman expended more energy in a month than I do in a year. Joan was in perfect health.

AND THEN?? Whammo out of nowhere, a simple endoscopy leaves her dead. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? I mean... how Melissa is dealing with all this, I'll never know. I don't even KNOW Joan Rivers and I'm heartsick over her death. THIS DIDN'T HAVE TO HAPPEN! Somebody fucked up but GOOD and you can bet your sweet ass I'm going to follow the medical trail here to learn as much as they tell us about what the hell happened. There was just no way Joan was ready to check out. SOMEONE at that CLINIC checked her out. And I'm plenty pissed about it, too.

Granted.... Joan was 81 years old. But I know PLENTY of 80 year olds who are doing just fine, still driving, and getting reasonably good health reports. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Men can't get it up like they did 20 years ago. And women need panty liners and like to be home by maybe nine in the evening. But still... life is still pretty damn good. Very much like Joan's life was. All I know is that her death was just soooo unnecessary. Well... according to the Linda School of Procedures, anyway.

Joan Rivers' funeral is today and I can only imagine the sadness that will fill the synagogue. Losing someone is always a very sad occasion. Losing someone whose time not yet arrived however, is criminal. And in my book... Joan's death was a tragic crime.  


Thursday, September 4, 2014


I always used to say that paper towels, toilet tissue and maybe burglar alarms were the best inventions known to man. Probably even washing machines and dryers could be thrown into the mix. Plus of course a zillion OTHER fantastic inventions. And then one day... the world decided that the greatest achievement of all time was in 1969 when Man first set foot upon the moon. If you weren't alive, sitting in front of your TV like I was when this occurred... then man. You totally missed an INCREDIBLE MOMENT IN THE LIVES OF HUMAN BEINGS.

So granted, that was SOME big damn f'ing deal, alright. But then again... so was TV, electricity, telephone, etc. Believe me... I could name hundreds of amazing inventions since even I was born. But in 1992 when I got my first Apple IIc home computer I thought it was absolutely miraculous. When soon after that, I got my first Windows PC then things REALLY got crazy what with the first online/email, etc. capabilities.

Which got me to thinking today... according to the Linda School of Inventions... I'd have to say that in spite of all other discoveries, the Internet is by far THE best invention of my lifetime. In particular... GOOGLE. I mean seriously... when is the last you looked anything up in an Encyclopedia?? Who even HAS a set anymore? Yes... Google would be nowhere without the Internet but whoa. Google?? To me... that outweighs all other inventions all put together.

Now I must say, I used other web browsers before Google entered the picture. As in: WebCrawler, Netscape, Internet Explorer, etc., etc. But the winner of all browsers?? Easy. GOOGLE! Hands down the best alltime invention ever.

I can't TELL you how many zillions of times I've searched for something and IN SECONDS FLAT no less, Google delivered my info in the blink of an eye! In fact... I just used Google a moment ago to be sure I had the correct date for Hurricane Andrew. ( actually, I thought it was 1994 but whatever) Like whoever thought in a million years we'd be able to get any answer to any question by just typing a couple of key words and bingo. ANSWERS APPEAR. Correct answers, too!

Makes no difference what I'm searching for, either. Recipes, software, clothing labels, correct grammar, whatEVER. Actually... thanks to Google, my girlfriends and I once searched it and lo and behold we saw for the first time what an uncircumcised man looked like! Who the hell knew?? Talk about an educational tool, right? No pun intended, btw. Wait... maybe it was Internet Explorer that taught us that; I can't remember.

But regardless... I just can't say enough about Google itself. Nor apparently can others for get this... Google is now a word onto itself in the dictionary. And it totally deserves to be there. Imagine our telling our grandmothers: OKAY GRANNY... LET ME GOOGLE IT ON MY CELLULAR DEVICE AND SEE WHAT THE NET HAS TO SAY AND THEN WE'LL SKYPE AND AS LONG AS MY MODEM IS WORKING CORRECTLY, I'LL THEN TELL YOU WHAT I FOUND OUT.

Besides... I was with five others tonight when we were out to dinner and wanna guess how many times we used my cellphone to Google info that we needed IMMEDIATELY? As in: what dress size was Marilyn Monroe? And... list of Edith Wharton books. I mean... talk about incredible. Had the answers in SECONDS.

Maybe I'm a Google junkie or something for I have to admit... I Google MANY things each and every day. Oh... I could live without a stove or even half my collection of shoes, for sure. But Google?? ABSOLUTELY NEVER. It's like my very own personal life line to everything I'd ever need to know in the entire whole wide world. And apparently, I need to know ALOT. 

Which is why I adore Google and consider it by far, the best invention EVER. Hey... the daily Google designs alone, are STUPENDOUS. I have no clue who Mr. Google is but man do I ever have major gratitude for him. I bet you do, too. And if not... then hell. You've totally got to go Google it immediately to find out what your problem is. For trust me... if you don't idolize Google as I do, then sorry Charlie... you DO have a problem.