Friday, October 31, 2014


Well holy moly. It finally happened! After seven years of waiting for the my maple trees to grow AND have stunning orange and/or yellow leaves... THIS IS THE YEAR. I am so damn thrilled, you have no idea!

Every day this week I have gone out to my deck to photograph the daily color changes and by today, almost all of the leaves have turned orange. I can't believe it! NO WONDER I LOVE AUTUMN SO MUCH! I have three maple trees and they look just so beautiful, I can hardly stand it.

Many trees around the city have indeed already lost their leaves, but for some reason, this year, the LEAF GODS have decided to let mine remain on the branches and change their color. Just the way it's SUPPOSED to be! The weather has soooo much to do with which trees will shed, which trees will have vibrant colors and which trees will turn brown way before coloration even occurs. THIS year was the year for my very own backyard. THANK GOD. It's about damn time, I'll say that much.

Am totally bummed that my kid won't be home in time to see this but I've sent him pictures.  He doesn't arrive until Thanksgiving week and trust me... by then, NO tree will have any leaves left on it. I have to say btw, I have seen very little outstanding reds and yellows this year, but doesn't matter all that much given my FAVorite color is orange. Some years the coloration is SO F'ING STUNNING it takes your breath away and I have to immediately stop the car, whip out my camera and snap a shot.

Honest to God... I NEVER saw this kind of beauty in Miami, EVER. Which is yet another reason I am tickled pink I never have to live there ever again. And hopefully... never have to even visit. I'm telling you... this has been SO worth the wait of 7 years.

And with that... just thought I would throw in the fact there is a 60% chance that we'll have about an inch of snow tomorrow!! EEEKS. Which is totally freaking me out given the Halloween party I'm attending tomorrow night is WAY up a mountain. OMG. My stomach is already going nuts. I already decided, btw... if the weather keeps me from attending, then I am DEFINITELY saving my costume for next year! I am totally in love with it.


Man... I can't TELL you what great feeling is to be back to the Land of Linda. AND back to being my honest to goodness self once again! I had no CLUE I was even gone, but lo and behold... since I've returned to my real self, I'm thrilled to no end.

It all began about 10 months ago, I think. I totally felt as if I were being pulled in a zillion different emotional directions, and apparently, it was taking a toll on me. Not that I even realized it mind you, but one by one, each issue was beginning to weigh heavily upon my psyche. However... I THOUGHT I was doing okay. I THOUGHT I was happy enough. I THOUGHT I had everything under control. I basically THOUGHT I was still me. 

Uh... but apparently not. Because it was like one day, a couple months ago, I just woke up and said: HOLY SHIT. TIME OUT, HERE. I TOTALLY THINK I'M NOT MY HAPPY GO LUCKY SELF ANYMORE AND I DEFINITELY THINK I NEED TO GET A GRIP HERE. It was like a definite Admiral Stockdale moment from the 1992 VP debate where he actually verbalized aloud: WHO AM I? WHY AM I HERE? Jesus. Now THERE was one troubled, dude, alright. Anyway... 

Seriously, for a good 10 months, I was beginning to uh... miss being ME. What the hell happened to that happy, carefree lady that was all about fun, feasts and festivities, anyway? I LOVED that lady and then I realized not only was I missing in action, but more importantly, I was beginning to miss me like crazy!

Whoa. It was a startling revelation, to say the least. I couldn't believe that I was walking through the MOTIONS of being that remarkable Linda of ole, but in reality... I was somehow but a mere shadow of her for a while. Which is why, in the past several weeks, I took a long, hard look at myself, mulled over some personal bullshit issues, modified some actions and behaviors and bingo. GUESS WHAT?


I can't tell you how thrilled I am! Hello Linda... it's totally fanTASTIC to see me, again! And, it's fantastic to have all the bullshit behind me so that once again, I can entertain the world with my presence, my wit and yes, my charm. I know... I'm modest, right??

In the meantime, I guess some people take meds when they say WHOA NELLIE... WHERE'D THE REGULAR ME GO??... but am happy to say I didn't have to go that route at all. I guess I just needed time to work things out in my head until everything finally settled down once again. I also think that, not only were the past 10 months so very hard on me, BUT couple that with the long, horrible summer months that I so hate anyway and boom. It just maybe turns out I needed beautiful, peaceful autumn to arrive so I could become myself all over again.

Granted... during all this time, had you spent time with me, YOU'D have thought I was my normal, jolly self. For in reality, in spite of my being so outgoing and open and direct, I am indeed a very private person when it comes to the major personal side of me. I would NEVER have divulged whatever angst I might be feeling to anyone. So whereas YOU would have thought I was A-OKAY, I would have definitely known better. I mean I was going out, being social, doing my regular things in life, etc. but frankly... my heart really wasn't into it at all. Until now, that is. HALLEFUCKINGLUJAH. Plus...

And this is big... For the past 10 months I didn't even have it in me to do my beloved yoga!! Which REALLY should have been a clue, I guess. For I absolutely love my yoga sessions. Which thank GOD I began doing again two weeks ago. Granted... I am NOwhere where I used to be in flexibility. But my 45 minute session tonight for instance, was WAY better than when I began. But trust me... I have a long way yet to go. Don't even ask. My stretches are borderline painful. True, the muscles and ligaments are easing up but man. Don't EVER stop doing yoga for ten months. You'll want to shoot yourself altogether.

So yes... I'm glad to be back to the Land of Linda. You may not have missed her, but lordy, lordy, I sure did. I'm definitely happily psyched about the Halloween costume I'm donning Saturday night. I'm tickled pink about the Seafood Buffet I'm going to tomorrow night. I'm REALLY thrilled that Bonnie AND Teresa are back in full swing once again. And best of all... if you ask me how I'm doing and I reply FINE... I'm totally not faking it any longer. Finally. I'll be telling you the God's honest truth. So basically... HI LINDA, WELCOME BACK TO THE LAND OF WELL BEING. Yippee. I totally feel human again.

Wednesday, October 22, 2014


I remember when I was totally cool being with older men. Men who were like in their 50s or 60s. On the other hand... being with men who are in their mid 70s and early 80s, oh man. They are totally NOT cool. If anything, they almost become sort of dummies. I mean it. It's crazy.

I remember many years ago my parents were having their annual pool party, celebrating the Fourth of July. The entire crowd was exactly in their 70s or 80s and I was simply stunned at the group. The women... they were perfectly excellent company and had all their wits about them. But the men?? Jesus. Don't even ask. The men were all in their goofy bathing suits, their chests drooping way more than mine at the moment plus... every five minutes one of the guys would non chalantly expel gas as if they were taking a mere sip of water or something. Trust me... while all the men were having a perfectly fine time... they were definitely disturbing to watch, at best.

It was at that precise moment that I developed my theory: as soon as men turn 75, they become sort of intellectual doof balls. Granted... not ALL men, but most of them, anyway. It's like one minute they can be a bon vivant, offering really wonderful company and then bingo. The next minute, almost exactly on their 75th birthday, they become so damn dull, so damn quirky with their stupid humor, so out of the loop regarding pop culture and so damn void of any sex appeal whatsoEVER. Unless of course they have a kiss that will bring you to your knees. But yeah... good luck with that.

In the meantime, I am now at the age where I hang out with alot of 70 year old gents. Some 80s, too. Jesus. It just freaks me out. I can't beLIEVE what's doing with these guys. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I know... many folks would call me an elitist for feeling so biased about aging men but I just can't help it; I've lived this. I've had to dump several men just because they were totally proving my theory to be spot on. Huh? Christina Aguilera?? Who the hell is SHE?? Seth Rogen? Have no clue. Goth?? Never heard of it. Ice bucket challenge?? Oh yeah... I sorta heard something about that somewhere.

Don't ask.

I particularly love dining out with men this age. Wait... l don't love it at all. Instead I love how shocked I am at their crazy ass lunacy. The conversation is border line nuts because I find that time and time again men just MAKE THINGS UP as if they know WTF they are talking about. Men who apparently USED to be bright and delightful, but who now, all of a sudden come up with the MOST outrageous statements ever, claiming they are indeed, fact. Oh really?? Are you kidding me??

Okay. Okay. It's true. Todd Akin, the guy who claimed women's bodies have a shut off valve during "legitimate rape", is only in his 60s yet this is a perfect example of how horribly worrisome his family should be, come the next 20 years. By THEN he'll be ready for the BIGGEST DUMB ASS EVER AWARD known to man. I totally shudder to think. But regardless... you get my point.

Oh yeah. My favorite thing to do when dining or hanging out with an older man is to definitely call him out on his constant, insane ignorance. Which can basically keep me busy all evening long, too, I might add. I am like so far ahead of these guys that it totally makes me laugh. Needless to say, it also makes it hard to actually enjoy our spending time together. All of a sudden, I'm like professor, mother, clergyman and instructor all rolled into one, pointing out over and over again how off the wall their comments are. I know... a fine way to warm my way right smack into a man's heart, right. But who cares. They're nuts, remember? Anyway...

Yes. We all have problems with aging. In all kinds of areas, too. I have a slew of them myself. But one problem I DON'T have is: thinking like an asshole. My brain is not only working just fine, but my intelligence is as keen as ever. Of course according to the LINDA SCHOOL OF STATISTICS, I figure I may have about a good 10 years left, before my own sort of dementia starts kicking in. But at least that's a pretty damn good REASON and/or diagnosis, to be thinking like a jerk. And therefore... when this occurs, I don't imagine I'll then be spending lots of time courting and socializing, proving just how far along I actually AM.     

So... older men: Please. Stop behaving as if all your brain functions have been completely thrown to the wind. Get with it, for God sakes. Especially if you want older women like myself, to hang out with you. Man... at this rate I may have to reconsider things and go back to enjoying the company of men in their 50s.

Not an altogether a bad idea btw, now that I think about it. Besides... I've yet to meet one guy who even THINKS I'm as old as I am. THEY love my perky personality. I love Dr. Harley. Boom. A match made in heaven.

Sunday, October 5, 2014


Oh yeah?? Friends?? Oh man.... some way to stay friends, alright. First of all... I have one friend with whom I play this game that ALWAYS beats me by at least 100 points. One of my BEST friends, too. On the other hand, I myself have beaten many a friend by my own 100 points, so hmmm... I guess it all evens out in the end.

In the meantime, I totally love this game: WORDS WITH FRIENDS. It's a Scrabble like game and I only decided what? A mere 4 months ago maybe, to join in with the other billions of people on the planet to become a part of this word friendly crowd. Yes, I will admit... I play Scrabble on my computer at least twice a day and have done so, for YEARS. And I have a Crossword book along with other magazines in my bathroom. Only recently however have I decided to play against others in the vast universe. And believe you me, am I ever glad I did!

Other than the fact... oops. IT'S TOTALLY ADDICTING. Seriously. I am now even keeping my iPad on the table next to my recliner so that when I sit down to watch TV at night, I can ALSO be multitasking by playing this game with something like 10 other individual players. And while I adore playing with my actual friends, I ESPECIALLY love the games I am playing with hardcore strangers. I have no clue who they are, where they live, or what the fuck they do. But man... some players are GREAT. I of course have beaten them every single time so far, but that's only because I had fantastic letters with which to make even more fantastic words.

These usually strangers have a mere number as their screen name so I have no clue whether or not they are males or females. I play this one game actually, with whom I am assuming, is a guy. Not just any guy either, because I swear to God... the words he comes up with are so damn challenging and so damn smart that I've concluded I'm playing with: Bill Clinton, himself. AND... if it's NOT him, then I decided it must be Madeleine Albright. He and/or she is a brilliant player and it simply knocks my socks off. Matters not that I beat Bill and/or Madeleine every damn time but trust me... they give me a damn good run for my money, nonetheless. In the meantime...

I have to totally do something about this addiction bit, however. I can sit watching stupid ass TV and playing this game for HOURS at night. Hours during which I should be actually ACCOMPLISHING something! Like doing laundry, straightening the kitchen, SHOWERING, even. But the time just ZOOMS by and the next thing I know... it's hours later and I'm dead tired and have completed no task whatsoever. This is a way to treat your friends?? I totally think not.

Now I must say: I am completely thrilled that I absolutely have no personal dumb ass friends at all. Each one has been to college, each one is as well read as I am, and each one has a remarkable vocabulary. Which is why when I DO beat them, which I often do, I feel as if I'm a Pulitzer Prize winner of sorts. On the other hand, I also have to say... it's often basically a game of chance, since everything depends upon the letters you are dealt in the first place. Thus, I really can't let my winning games go to my head.

One game I AM looking forward to playing came about in a crazy way. I was in the doctor's office recently, kinda talking to the office manager who is one of my favorite people there. She was chatting and I was putting away my smartphone at which time Devan noticed I was doing Words with Friends. OMG SHE SAID. TELL ME YOUR SCREEN NAME... WE SO HAVE TO PLAY! Bingo. Next thing you know we set up a play date and I'm totally going to have a great time with her. 

Besides... I love my friends. I love playing with them. And, I can always enjoy making MORE friends. Of course, I have to totally stop being addicted to them at night, because seriously... this bit of playing until midnight only to have to then shower before bed is becoming a MAJOR drag. Not to mention... a happy waste of possibly productive time all evening long.

Oh yeah... if btw, you aren't impressed with my score down below then you should at least be impressed that I learned how to take a screen shot of my iPad! I was thrilled the night I found out how to do it.

BTW... what's the deal with word in the upper right hand quarter?? I swear to God... I NEVER SAW IT BEFORE NOW. Holy crap. Oops. I mean shit.