OLDER MEN

I remember when I was totally cool being with older men. Men who were like in their 50s or 60s. On the other hand... being with men who are in their mid 70s and early 80s, oh man. They are totally NOT cool. If anything, they almost become sort of dummies. I mean it. It's crazy.

I remember many years ago my parents were having their annual pool party, celebrating the Fourth of July. The entire crowd was exactly in their 70s or 80s and I was simply stunned at the group. The women... they were perfectly excellent company and had all their wits about them. But the men?? Jesus. Don't even ask. The men were all in their goofy bathing suits, their chests drooping way more than mine at the moment plus... every five minutes one of the guys would non chalantly expel gas as if they were taking a mere sip of water or something. Trust me... while all the men were having a perfectly fine time... they were definitely disturbing to watch, at best.

It was at that precise moment that I developed my theory: as soon as men turn 75, they become sort of intellectual doof balls. Granted... not ALL men, but most of them, anyway. It's like one minute they can be a bon vivant, offering really wonderful company and then bingo. The next minute, almost exactly on their 75th birthday, they become so damn dull, so damn quirky with their stupid humor, so out of the loop regarding pop culture and so damn void of any sex appeal whatsoEVER. Unless of course they have a kiss that will bring you to your knees. But yeah... good luck with that.

In the meantime, I am now at the age where I hang out with alot of 70 year old gents. Some 80s, too. Jesus. It just freaks me out. I can't beLIEVE what's doing with these guys. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I know... many folks would call me an elitist for feeling so biased about aging men but I just can't help it; I've lived this. I've had to dump several men just because they were totally proving my theory to be spot on. Huh? Christina Aguilera?? Who the hell is SHE?? Seth Rogen? Have no clue. Goth?? Never heard of it. Ice bucket challenge?? Oh yeah... I sorta heard something about that somewhere.

Don't ask.

I particularly love dining out with men this age. Wait... l don't love it at all. Instead I love how shocked I am at their crazy ass lunacy. The conversation is border line nuts because I find that time and time again men just MAKE THINGS UP as if they know WTF they are talking about. Men who apparently USED to be bright and delightful, but who now, all of a sudden come up with the MOST outrageous statements ever, claiming they are indeed, fact. Oh really?? Are you kidding me??

Okay. Okay. It's true. Todd Akin, the guy who claimed women's bodies have a shut off valve during "legitimate rape", is only in his 60s yet this is a perfect example of how horribly worrisome his family should be, come the next 20 years. By THEN he'll be ready for the BIGGEST DUMB ASS EVER AWARD known to man. I totally shudder to think. But regardless... you get my point.

Oh yeah. My favorite thing to do when dining or hanging out with an older man is to definitely call him out on his constant, insane ignorance. Which can basically keep me busy all evening long, too, I might add. I am like so far ahead of these guys that it totally makes me laugh. Needless to say, it also makes it hard to actually enjoy our spending time together. All of a sudden, I'm like professor, mother, clergyman and instructor all rolled into one, pointing out over and over again how off the wall their comments are. I know... a fine way to warm my way right smack into a man's heart, right. But who cares. They're nuts, remember? Anyway...

Yes. We all have problems with aging. In all kinds of areas, too. I have a slew of them myself. But one problem I DON'T have is: thinking like an asshole. My brain is not only working just fine, but my intelligence is as keen as ever. Of course according to the LINDA SCHOOL OF STATISTICS, I figure I may have about a good 10 years left, before my own sort of dementia starts kicking in. But at least that's a pretty damn good REASON and/or diagnosis, to be thinking like a jerk. And therefore... when this occurs, I don't imagine I'll then be spending lots of time courting and socializing, proving just how far along I actually AM.     

So... older men: Please. Stop behaving as if all your brain functions have been completely thrown to the wind. Get with it, for God sakes. Especially if you want older women like myself, to hang out with you. Man... at this rate I may have to reconsider things and go back to enjoying the company of men in their 50s.


Not an altogether a bad idea btw, now that I think about it. Besides... I've yet to meet one guy who even THINKS I'm as old as I am. THEY love my perky personality. I love Dr. Harley. Boom. A match made in heaven.