SHOULD I BE DEPRESSED YET???

I'm kinda thinking I should. I kinda think I want to. And I kinda think maybe I will. We'll just have to wait and see.

Mind you: I'm not normally a person who is prone to a bit of temporary depression unless there is a REALLY REALLY good reason for it. However, I just now may have come across an ENORMOUS reason afterall,  
if you ask me. Sitting down? Ready for this? Remember that old lady all bent over with a cane from my last post?? Well... get this.

Yesterday thank God, I was able to get an appointment with my Bone and Joint doctor. I told him I am almost two weeks into not being able to move in any fashion whatsoever without excruciating pain. I also told him my internist gave me some muscle relaxant meds but they didn't do shit for the pain. Thus now... I'm going downhill fast. Physically and mentally.

Next thing I know the bone doctor took a bunch of xrays and boom. I now know why I couldn't do a thing all these long past days except sleep. My diagnosis?? You won't fucking believe it:

DEGENERATIVE LUMBAR SCOLIOSIS. AND... SOME CURVATURE OF THE SPINE, TOO.

WHATTTTTTTTTT???? Holy Mother F. Is this a joke or WHAT??? Don't even ask. And oh yeah... basically there is really no cure for this crap. Of course I immediately began to wonder: uh... will I be able to at least wear my two inch heels ever again?? Next thing I wondered was: WHAT KIND OF HEAVY DUTY MEDS CAN I TAKE TO RELIEVE THIS PAIN RIGHT HERE AND NOW?? I mean seriously... a half hour after getting up from bed each day, I was right smack back into torture territory.

Turns out I needed oral steroids... Prednisone... which would begin to ease the supposed inflammation and horrific pain lickety split. Of course lickety split to me was: within five minutes. To my doctor it meant: within five DAYS. But why get bogged down with details. In the meantime...

I filled my prescription, raced back home, downed two of the pills and hit the sack. Slept for two hours in fact and you know what?? I totally think these pills just may do the trick for bringing me back to SOME semblance of a life. Not that I may not decide to go the depression route afterall, but still and all... I think there's possibly a tiny light at the end of this scoliosis tunnel in spite of everything that's going on. 

THANK GOD. I DEFINITELY FEEL JUSSST A TAD OF NEEDED RELIEF HERE, BUT STILL... LET'S NOT CALL THIS TOTALLY PROMISING QUITE YET, EITHER. For don't get me wrong...

While there seems to be a tinge of improvement, I'm in no shape whatsoever to hit the town tonight and dance the night away. BUT I almost think I'll be able to just perhaps become a person again. Wow. I'll be tickled pink, alright. 

True... I was able to go about my life today for a full six hours straight without being in mobility hell. Major accomplishment! On the other hand, by midnight tonight, I was again in such a pained, maddening state that I had to take a whole Ativan just to get in the shower. Sort of like for good measure so I don't emotionally collapse altogether over this little crisis. Frankly... I just don't know what to think anymore. But whatever.

Obviously, I guess the real test for me will be to see what happens once the script is complete and I'm off the steroids. Oh man... I shudder to think. 

Frankly... I am holding out little hope but nonetheless I sooo pray the pain will in fact go away comPLETEly. For if it doesn't.... I can almost PROMise you I won't be taking Prednisone for physical suffering anymore. Instead, I will totally be taking Cymbalta for my new major depressive disorder which will certainly kick in within seconds. In which case, be prepared. For this entire blog will then begin to take on a whole NEW flavor, alright.     

As in: shoot me now, please. Oh. And the first one who gets the job done... gets a prize.

   

UH... IS MOBILITY IMPORTANT??

Or perhaps is standing? Or bending, even? Or moving in any capacity whatsoEVER? If such is the case then guess what? I'm so screwed. Because ever since last Saturday (a week already!) I've basically been in such pain, it's simply ridiculous. Something in my body has gone WAY out of whack. Which basically means that in spite of two doctor visits, several doses of muscle relaxants and God knows what else... I'm not only pretty much home bound and immobile, but also... still in crazy ass pain. 

I don't even  know where to go from here but I better come up with Game Plan C pretty damn quick or else I might be left with nothing else, other than just plain doing myself in. Even the heating pad which gave me some definite relief is now out the window since get this... I now have myself a first degree burn from having applied it way to hot and way too often. Don't ask. I've now got this huge 3 inch blister way on the top of my ass and it's totally not a laughing matter any more, in the LEAST. 

It sort of began last Saturday night I think, when I was doing alot of prep work for a beautiful English Tea Party I had here on Sunday. Everything looked stunning and was pretty much ready to go by Sunday morning. Which is when I woke up and  began to make hordes of lovely tea sandwiches. Definitely the last time I'm doing THAT, btw. Anyway, while standing at my kitchen counter, next thing I know, I'm in MAJor pain with every move my entire body ever made. Seriously. My lower back pain, coupled with spine bones actually cracking everytime I moved or turned, coupled with huge pain in my thighs, all of which rendered me practically immobile. Which was a problem given my guests were to arrive two hours later. But arrive they did.

And yes, the party was great but I was in sheer physical agony the entire time. One look at my face and you couldn't miss the discomfort I was enduring although trust me.... I made no secret of my suffering in the first place. I COULD HARDLY WALK. In fact, by the time 95% of the party was over, I just caved and told everyone... sorry folks. I'm f'ing going to bed. I can't bear it anymore. Sweet dreams!

And off I went. I slept a good two whole hours, too! When I finally woke up, I certainly wasn't tired anymore but I also wasn't feeling all that much better either; which is why you can imagine how THRILLED I was to walk out of my bedroom only to find my entire kitchen had been cleaned and straightened! Ahhhh... the beauty of friends. You have no idea how happy I was because were it left to me alone, it'd have taken until Thursday until I'd have been able to tackle it all. Maybe. As it is... my poor laundry basket is pleading to be washed SOMEtime in the near future.

Anyway... for three more days I endured the constant torment of my body and decided walking, standing, twisting, bending, etc, is kinda important. So I finally went to the doctor on Wednesday. Hallef'inglujah. Besides... I couldn't stand the crunching sound every bone in my back was making all day long. My personal diagnosis was: Polio, but without the paralysis. Although I wouldn't have been surprised had that been next on my list of maladies. Although the doctor's diagnosis was no better given she had no clue why all this was happening. 

She did give me some supposedly major muscle relaxants but I gotta tell you... the relief is only minimal. Which is why next week I'm supposed to make an appointment with a bone and joint doctor, who will take Xrays and hopefully give me some sort of idea when I'll be mobile once again. Is this nuts or what?? One day I'm in tip top shape. Next day I can't move without wanting to scream. Just so damn bizarre, if you ask me. 

It's kinda funny because one day last week I was obligated to bring dinner to a friend who was in a physical therapy facility for several months and as soon as one of the nurses saw me walking in, she asked if I needed a wheel chair. I was like one of the patients! I of course told her no thank you, I'd be fine but believe you me, I'd have LOVED being wheeled into my friend's room. Whatever.

For now however... I just want to be able bend over. Or to stand straight without pain. Or be rid of the burning ache in my lower back. Basically.... just to be mobile. On the other hand... it goes without saying there IS indeed a silver lining to all this. I feel absolutely, perfectly FINE while merely lying in bed, watching TV. Wouldn't you so know it. Which reminds me...


Thank you God for having Shark Tank, Bruce Jenner and Bill Maher on, all in one night. You totally saved me.

WHOA... ABOUT THAT CANVAS

Geesh. Talk about looking down upon your flock or something. I can't believe this new picture I had, hanging in my family room. While it's absolutely stunning, I do have to say that I laughed everytime I saw it, given it's so f'ing HUGE. I mean.. waaay huge. Yes... it's totally meant to be a statement piece alright but seriously... this looked far more like an entire f'ing paragraph than a mere statement.

It all began with my learning to eventually hate the previous picture I had of myself hanging above the sofa in my family room. I'd say it was about 6 years old I'll bet, and the whole thing was way too dated for my taste. Besides, I hated looking at it anymore. So boom. I took another picture I had of myself and played with every artistic app I had on my iPad. And yippee. I created THE perfect painted watercolor effect of me that I wanted. Which is totally cool, I might add.

Next thing I know I'm on the website for canvasworld.com and I'm going through all my options, choosing the size, the format, the frame design, the everything. This site happens to be fantastic btw, and it only took me a few minutes to make all my choices and another few minutes to place my order. Which meant: in a short five days, they sent it out to me with no shipping costs, etc. Which is good since while it's not REAL pricey it's still... totally way pricier than a simple 16x20 let's say. But who's counting.

Turns out the picture I selected was... sitting down?? .... a 4 foot x 3 foot canvas. EEEKS. I know... big. But I had no choice. In order for me to get the 3' width I wanted, I had to go up in the height department. Yikes. Don't even ask. This is so not your Grandmother's little table top snapshot. On the other hand... I didn't want table top. Instead, I wanted a statement sized picture. Oh I got statement, alright. Huge statement.

Granted, my wall size can totally pull off a maxed out wall painting. But seeing ME in this size is another story altogether. I laughed out loud for two days whenever I saw it. Were this a beautiful fall tree or a mere colorful modern art painting, it would totally work. But this? Holy ba holy.

Now... I WAS trying to get used to it but it just couldn't happen. There was simpy: way too much of me to look at. Even for me. And...as soon as someone ELSE were to see it for the first time... whoa. Would THEY ever be in for a surprise. I feel like my family room was turning into a Buddhist temple with the king of all Buddhas looking down upon my entire house 24/7. On the other hand, if I kicked the bucket next week, this canvas would have been the perfect way for everyone to pretend I'm still alive, knowing exactly what I look like. In oversized 3-D no less. It was totally comical. Which means...

I lived with this for two days and then bingo. I immediately headed out to my local framer and told him: OOPS. KIND OF A GLITCH GOING ON HERE. WE DEFINITELY NEED TO REDUCE THE SIZE OF THIS DEAL. I also told him not to laugh when he sees it. I wanted him to un-staple the back of the canvas that is stretched on the wooden frame and cut about a foot off the bottom of the picture and then I'll have way better sizing. Uh... I hope, anyway. I won't be able to pick it up until Friday but I've already decided that it just can't possibly be worse. ANYthing will be better than this crazy ass gigantic sized picture of me. I mean seriously... so much for those big paintings of the mistress of the house that you see in the living rooms of people living on major estates. 

So basically at this point, it's all a wait and see game. Whether or not I'll be able to use the canvas, even after the size reduction, I just don't know yet. In fact, down below is a picture of what I assume it will look like reduced, but even still... it still looks sorta big. Which only means: Oops. I'll be back to friggin' square one all over again, in figuring out what to hang above my sofa. Actually... I'll know more after my party on Sunday when all my guests will come in and give me their take on it. Or... possibly just freak out. Time shall tell.

CALLING ALL PILOTS

Oh man. Don't even ask. You will not believe the state of mind I was in when I left for the airport last week. I was totally crazed. Just this short of a lunatic. Which is a mind set that can actually be pretty easy for me to slip into if given the right circumstance. And Wednesday was a like perfect storm for said lunacy.  

It began as I was headed out to Ft. Lauderdale to visit my alltime favorite niece, Laura, for five days. I was pretty psyched for this trip too, since if you've any brains in your head whatsoever, you will note right off the bat that Laura is maybe the best company you could ever ask for, equal to that of my own kid. Which says a lot.

It all started with a plane voucher I had for a trip to Florida. Which btw, had to be used by the end of the month so boom. I scheduled a trip leaving last Wednesday and coming back the following Monday. Everything was beautifully in place for perfect travel and for a perfect getaway. Until that is... I began to load the luggage into the car. It was then that I got a disturbing email from the airlines. Ready for this??

HELLO. JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW WE COULD POSSIBLY BE FACING A PILOT STRIKE SO IF YOU PLAN ON GOING THROUGH WITH THIS TRIP, YOU COULD POSSIBLY BE SCREWED. JUST SAYING. IF YOU WANT TO CONTINUE WITH YOUR TRIP, WE HAVE NO CLUE IF YOUR SUBSTITUTE PILOT COULD TURN OUT TO BE BE A MECHANIC, A RESERVATION OPERATOR OR EVEN A BAGGAGE HANDLER. AND OH YEAH... IF YOU DON'T LIKE THESE OPTIONS, WE WILL BE HAPPY TO REFUND YOUR MONEY IN FULL. ON THE OTHER HAND, MAYBE NOTHING WILL COME TO PASS REGARDING THE STRIKE AND THEREFORE YOU WILL BE ABLE TO ENJOY YOUR TRIP AS PLANNED. OTHER THAN THE FACT, AS YOU ALREADY KNOW, WE ARE NOTORIOUSLY LATE IN DEPARTURE TIMES. THANK YOU FOR CHOOSING US.

Can you beLIEVE this?? Moments before I'm heading to the airport? Me? The one traveler who is alREADY iffy on flying? Also the one who can pretty much go into a tail spin over everything, even beginning while I'm making my online reservations? Do they not know with whom they are dealing?? Is this a joke?? Which come to think of it... this DID occur on April Fool's Day but whatever. Jesus. Totally not what I needed. Therefore... 

Immediately I freak. Who the hell wouldn't, right?? Anyway, I then get everything in the car, and begin calling my son and my niece lickety split, telling each of them: UH. NEWSFLASH. MINOR GLITCH GOING ON, HERE. I MAY HAVE A PRETEND PILOT IN WHICH CASE I WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS POSSIBLE STRIKE AND THEREFORE MAY HAVE TO CANCEL THIS TRIP ALTOGETHER. 

Naturally both of them told me everything will be fine, get on the plane and get your ass down here. Although it's important to note neither my kid nor my niece was the one doing the flying. Thus easy for THEM to say. The bottom line however... is that I obeyed their instructions and lo and behold I landed in Ft. Lauderdale just fine. Not without residual mental stress I might add. You should have SEEN me as I boarded. Talk about a harried idiot.

So harried in fact, that when my son and I met up with Laura and Bernie, the moment I sat down at the restaurant I did something I almost NEVER do. I ordered a cocktail! A delicious one as a matter of fact and truthfully... I do have to say it did the trick magnificently, 1-2-3. THANK YOU FROZEN DAIQUIRI FOR BEING SO NICE AND POTENT. I SOOOO APPRECIATED IT. Of course by the next day I had received another email from the airline saying OKAY. WE PRETTY MUCH SOLVED THINGS SO FAR THUS YOU CAN EXPECT ONLY HARD CORE TOTALLY TRAINED PILOTS TO BE FLYING OUR PLANES AFTERALL. Whew. Perfect scenario for... all's well that ends well. Which is exactly what happened.

For I must say the entire five days went perfectly great. I adored being with my son, and Laura was the alltime best hostess. Even in spite of the fact that we had to stop at a gas station to stock up on my beloved Diet Coke and much needed orange juice for morning meds. By the way... Bernie is a caterer thus do I even need to tell you what an outrageously delicious holiday meal we had??? 

OMG. Maybe the best holiday dinner I've ever eaten!! Although he may want to spruce up in the calculations department since the food he supplied for 18 of us was enough to feed maybe twice that amount. But trust me... in the end, I totally love Bernie's way of calculating, given at about 1 in the morning I was delightfully snacking on the world's best leftover brisket EVER.

All our other meals were equally fantastic too, since I was in major restaurant territory there, in So. Florida. Even my bed was exceptional now that I think about it. And most importantly, the temps were perfectly comfy. So basically... put it all together and bingo. I enjoyed a extraordinary trip with pretty happy memories, if I say so myself. THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH LAURA AND BERNIE. And yes... I'd be delighted to do this again and again. I know. Just what they want to hear, right?

Oh. And, btw... THANK YOU PILOTS FOR NOT STRIKING AND PLEASE DON'T EVER SCARE ME WITH THIS NONSENSE EVER AGAIN. I totally don't do tense bullshit very well.