GOING SHEER

I don't know what happened, but I spent several hours last week checking out tulle skirts. You know... kinda like the Carrie Bradshaw look. Or the lead dancer in Swan Lake, let's say. To satisfy my thirst for the skirts, I not only stared at zillions of pictures on Pinterest, but I also checked out quite a few How To videos on YouTube. After watching a bunch, I immediately became so intrigued with how simple the skirts are to make! Seriously. Some are even no-sew types. Besides, I find tulle skirts so damn feminine and sexy that I could have viewed all of them for hours and hours. 

Then... the next thing you know, one thing led to another and whammo. I began to become pretty inspired by the videos to also check out mere sheer skirts, much like the one up above. Turns out that didn't take long. Goodbye tulle. Hello sheer. I guess what I loved about it was that given today's fashions, you can now so easily wear a very sheer skirt by simply wearing a pair of sexy leggings underneath, and bingo. Totally easy to wear. Better yet... the skirts don't necessarily have to be worn for mere formal attire anymore, either. Talk about win-win. 

Which by the way, reminds me. How I ever lived without YouTube I'll never know. Yes, Pinterest shows instructions, recipes, etc. but for ME? Watching is way better than reading. Meaning: thanks to YouTube, I can learn how to do almost anything I want, by watching a video... which in my lazy world... is nothing short of miraculous.

Okay. So back to the skirt. Once I determined I wanted a softer, flowier skirt than that of tulle, I hightailed it right smack over to my local fabric store and yippee. I had my two yards of black sheer fabric that almost looks like chiffon, but instead is actually polyester. It has alot of sway and flow and sews up really great. Enter: last Sunday. 

I woke up. Cut the fabric, did the side seams, sewed a straight line at the top, gathered the thread to the size of my waist, added an elastic waist band and in practically no time at all, voila. I HAD A FANTASTIC SHEER SKIRT. I totally love it! It's just what I wanted. And... just what I'll probably being wearing tomorrow night. Granted, the temps will be COLD but who cares when it comes to wearing something great. Besides... that's what my fur coat is for. Warmth.

Oh yeah. What a surprise. I dropped the corset look you see up above for the top, but it matters not. I have plenty of tops to still create a wonderful way to wear the skirt on the last night of the year. I also made mine calf length rather than down to the ankle. It kinda makes it appear more casual. Regardless, I'm pretty psyched, I have to admit.  

Speaking of which... HAPPY NEW YEAR, EVERYONE! I myself love the beginning of each new year. I always have. In my mind, they are filled with great promise, lots of hope and basically, happy excitement. Which all in all... is a mighty fine recipe. I also like ending the year that's just passed, because it sort of has a "been there, done that" sort of vibe. Besides... I love looking forward to bigger and better. Which I hope all of us are able to enjoy. I hope we enjoy lots of love, lots of good health and lots of wonderful times. Yippee. I'm ready for it all!! 2015... I can't wait! 



   

THE SANTA SCAM

All day yesterday I thought about kids and Santa Claus. Specifically about kids who think Santa is real. And even MORE specifically.... about kids finding out Santa actually ISN'T a real person. I mean seriously... that can almost totally kill a tot's childhood, don't you think?

For instance... I would love to know what happens when some 6 year old is all psyched about Christmas, ready to sit on Santa's lap to list a slew of things they'd like for gifts, really getting into the holiday spirit, believing every second of the night and day that Santa is a real human being. Only to find out in school one day, when the kid sitting next to him/her in first grade let's say, opens up their mouth and suddenly boom. Ruins the innocent child for a lifetime.  

As in: WHAT?? WTF DO YOU MEAN THERE IS NO SANTA?? WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE'S ONLY MAKE BELIEVE?? WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE'S A FAKE?? WHO THE HELL TOLD YOU SUCH LYING GARBAGE? YOU'RE OUT OF YOUR FRIGGIN MIND, YOU IDIOT. 

Oh boy. This totally has got to be a parent's nightmare while calmly sitting in the carpool line, oblivious to the hell that's about to break loose as soon as their freaked out child climbs in the front seat.    

Not to mention the discussion that will go on in the lunchroom as each classmate confirms... UH... YEAH. SORRY TO BREAK IT TO YOU. SANTA IS A TOTAL LIE. IS NOT. IS SO. IS NOT. Good luck to THAT teacher is all I can say.

Somehow I find it easier for kiddies to swallow the fact the Easter Bunny is fake. Even that the Tooth Fairy is a scam. But their beloved Santa?? Man. That just seems to be to be a major bust out for children if you ask me. Who, come to find out... are usually about the age of 8 before they all pretty much have learned the truth. Uh... way too old in my opinion, but whatever. 

On the other hand, maybe it's not such a horrific rude awakening afterall. I myself don't remember how old I was when I found out Santa wasn't real. Nor who even informed me. Nor any earth shattering after effects from my learning the truth. Nor do I even remember any OTHER kid becoming devastated over the revelation. I do know however....

I ABSOLUTELY don't want to be the person to blow Santa's cover to some kid other than my own. Holy shit. Can you imagine the phone call I'd get from the parent? HOW DARE YOU TELL MY KID SANTA ISN'T REAL?? WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, ANYWAY? IN OUR HOME... SANTA IS COMPLETELY REAL, YOU CREEPY FREAK. YOU GOT THAT??

Because uh... I so could turn out to be the spoiler alert. Which begs the question...


When DO you tell the kid? Well... if it's a kid who's going to be around ME... here's a heads up Mom and Dad. Tell them by the age of five, please. Any time after that, you're uh... taking a major risk in my breaking your child's heart. How the hell would I know if your kid hasn't yet faced the music, anyway?? Besides... I have a warning to all you parents who force your children to sit on Santa's lap while they're screaming from fright. DON'T! DON'T SIT THEM UPON HIM. DO YOU NOT HAVE A CLUE AS TO WHY YOUR KID IS SOBBING WITH HORROR?? ARE YOU NOT SEEING THAT THEY'RE SCARED TO DEATH FROM THIS OVERSIZED STRANGER?? I hate sooo those parents.

What I do think is sweet however, is when there are younger siblings and the older ones inherently just know: NEVER tell the little ones they are holding on to false hope. It's like it's a universal truth: don't tell your baby brother or sister the real facts about Santa. And basically, they never do. Well... until some little spat occurs in the toy box and boom. To hit the little brat hard, they just HAVE to blurt out: 

OH YEAH. AND BTW... NOT ONLY IS ELVIS DEAD BUT ALSO: THERE IS NO SANTA CLAUS. So there. Put THAT in your pipe and smoke it! 

Oops. So much for losing your innocence. Ho Ho Ho.

BREAKING POINT

Talk about feeling frazzled. At the moment, I'm kinda trying to figure out at what point I should determine whether or not I'm being harassed. Even better...at what point I should report this deal since it is for sure becoming pretty abusive. 

On the other hand, I don't want to wind up on my local TV news reports where you sometimes see people who are being scammed and are at their wits' end. Unless of course, I can become famous kinda like my video with the plastic surgeon. So exactly what is it that is bringing me to my breaking point? Here's the deal...

There are three phone numbers that show up on my Caller ID again and again... none of which are familiar to me. In fact one of them claims to be from ATT. Naturally I know better because I figured if it were legitimate, it would be AT&T. Big difference. 

Regardless, I'm totally about to slit my wrists because get this. THEY CALL 47 TIMES A DAY. EVERY DAY. ALL HOURS. I MEAN IT. SERIOUSLY. THEY CALL OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN. Naturally I never pick up the receiver but MAN are these people ever persistent. Not to mention a major pain in the ass. Plus... this has been going on for over a month now! And... they NEVER leave a message. 

To help me figure out this problem, several weeks ago I Googled the phone numbers and bingo. Sure enough there are all SORTS of complaints going on out there. It's CRAZY. And THEN.... guess what happened earlier today?? I get a phone call. I look at the Caller ID and guess who it is?? IT'S ME. CALLING ME!! Whaaaatt?? They now have my identification PLUS my phone number? These freaks now have me calling myself!! WTF IS GOING ON HERE?? 

Naturally I Googled this scam too and sure enough it's happening all over the place. Supposedly they are after my credit card information and believe you me... I'm this far from being so damn disgusted with all these phone calls that I'm almost ready to say: HERE. TAKE ALL THE FUCKING INFO YOU WANT. I DON'T GIVE A SHIT ANYMORE. JUST PLEASSSSSE STOP CALLING ME ALREADY!!! Trust me... if I thought this would work, I would so consider it.


I will say this however... apparently the harassers believe in Christmas because get this... today, Christmas Eve... I've gotten no calls whatsoever!! First time in over a month! I can't TELL you what a relief it's been!! Totally feels like Peace on Earth, afterall! If on the other hand, these idiots return to calling me 47 times daily, I'll so be ready for the funny farm. To which I can only say: it so won't be funny in anyway whatsoever. Best part of their taking a break? I won't be awakened at 8:00 in the morning! 

NO one who knows and loves me would ever call at such an un-Godly hour. Indeed... my beauty rest is precious. 

YIPPEE. ALMOST XMAS!

Yay! It's almost time to celebrate Christmas and as a special gift to my readers... I am including a little holiday message. I did it once before several years ago, so I figured it's time to do so again. Besides... since I've done the last one, I've accumulated way more readers so boom. You now get to see what I look like as well as hear what I sound like. I hope everyone enjoys their families, friends, and festivities. Most of all... thank you for being a part of Living As Linda! 

I know... kinda cool, right??

THE BIGGEST LOSER

See this guy? I have no clue whatsoever who the hell he is. And I assume neither do you. But man, did he ever make me laugh when he was a little kid. 

Well, wait. Not little in the least. Why? Because when I first found his picture, which was all over the Internet years ago, it was so absolutely hilarious that I completely burst out laughing my ass off but good. In fact, now that I think about it... maybe it was even on my own kid's Facebook page that I first saw it. All I know is that it struck me just so damn funny, I could hardly contain myself.

In the meantime, up above there the photo I'm showing you, is a shot of the same kid but now, all grown up. But when he first claimed his fame, he was a mere lad of what? 8 years old maybe?? And trust me... he was no lean, mean fighting machine either. In fact, he was maybe THE chubbiest kid you ever saw in your entire life. Then... as if that wasn't enough, legend has it that someone maybe... or maybe not... Photo Shopped something onto his Tshirt and bingo. The rest is history. Wanna see what this guy looked like as a little boy?? Sitting down?? OMG. It's hilarious.

 Can you BELIEVE this picture? I mean seriously... you don't know whether to laugh or cry for this kid. Whose name, btw, I can't seem to find anywhere. In the meantime, man. What a childhood this poor kid must have had. Forget the Tshirt bit. He's totally the fattest kid I've ever seen. In person or otherwise. 

Can you imagine what it must have been like for him on the school bus? Let alone at school? Packing his lunch must have been no easy feat, either. I mean seriously... it's one thing to be chubby. It's totally another thing altogether to look like THIS. And... children can be soooo damn mean thus what this guy's psyche must be like today, God only knows.

I remember being in Elementary School... and there was also a pretty chubby guy there as well. Not THIS size mind you, but still. He was definitely the chubbiest guy I remember way back when. He was pretty nice I must admit but again.... you have to sort of feel sorry for someone that young being that much overweight. Life for children like that totally can't be easy.

On the other hand... the smiling face of this particular kid just knocks my socks off. Let alone the message on his shirt. I mean seriously... is his face glowing or what?? Which just goes to show, as I've always said: I amuse easily. Apparently very easily. I guess the bottom line to all this is: I am thrilled for the grown up version of this totally overweight little boy; for while the man now is certainly no Adonis by any stretch of the imagination, he is certainly not a freakishly obese adult as when he was young. Talk about thank God for small favors, right? And by the way...

This reminds of me my theory that yes, while I am perfectly chubby myself, I figured that by the time I kick the bucket, and am old and finally thin, myself... I'll probably have JUST the figure I've always wanted when eventually laid in the casket. Which leads to my OTHER theory whereby.... to hell with dieting and trying to look like a string bean at my age. I'm perfectly happy having 15 extra pounds because it basically says to me: YIPPEE. I'M STILL ALIVE AND STILL HAPPY AND STILL HEALTHY. Hence: A few extra pounds = alive and smiling! Who could ask for more?

P.S. Oh yeah... for all those who keep asking: yes, my "pixie" style wig arrived the other day and it's GOING RIGHT SMACK BACK to the store. It looks horrible on me! Plus... I look 40 years older wearing it. It's a no brainer: easy come, easy go.

CURLY GIRLIE

I have always loved curly hair. Lots of it, too. Which is too bad... since I was born with FINE, STRAIGHT, PRETTY CRAPPY hair. And not much of it, either. Damnit. Therefore while I pretty much hated the home perms I remember my Mother giving my sister and I when we were little, I grew to love spending zillions of bucks as an adult for salon perms which in turn gave me a sort of crazy ass Gloria Estefan look in the 90s. I totally embraced it. And, I wore it like that for years. Here... THIS outta give you the idea.

Then a few years later... I cut my hair so boom. I was back to short, straight hair. And eventually back to my classic, parted down the middle, chignon which I'd worn on and off for 30 years. Which kinda looked like this at all different ages:

And THEN, not only did I finally go blond but I also tried my beloved curly hair look once again. It was iffy at best. No wonder. By my 60s my hair was very noticeably thinning, graying, etc. so my options for curly hair was totally limited. VERY disappointing. Besides... I was getting WAY too tired of all the products, primping, blow drying, etc. that was necessary to make myself look half way decent. Here... you can see why it was not such a hotsi totsi look at all. Plus... because of my thinning hair, I also had to keep cutting it shorter.

Until... I have the tresses that I wear today. As in: Little Boy Haircut.

Which I totally love, I might add. And apparently so do strangers. I have people come up to me allll the time telling me they love the look. Although in truth... I bet they just say that more for the fact that not just anyone would have the balls to go this short unless they really had to. Me? I guess have the nerve any 12 people put together but whatever. ON THE OTHER HAND....

You sitting down?? Want to see what my hair looks like NOW??? OMG. You so won't believe it. It's basically what I've wanted my entire life! Gulp. Take a gander:

Totally cool, right?? So here's the deal. I saw this wig on TV... fell in love with it about a year ago. Then I saw it again about a month ago. Bingo. THIS TIME I ORDERED IT! I also ordered another short "pixie" style wig, but it's out of stock right now, so they'll send it to me when it comes in. It's crazy excellent! I love this! And... the pricing was way cheap enough, too. What a deal!


I even went to my hair stylist last night and had her cut it exactly to my specifications. She did a great job, right? Turns out the wig needed some tweaking given that while I wanted a full, curly hair look, I also didn't want to look like a freaky clown and/or Little Orphan Annie with hair completely out of control. Plus... the length needed to shortened. So boom. I now have two looks for the price of one. My favorite little boy haircut PLUS... my favorite... curls galore. Who could ask for more?


Of course I haven't worn it out in public just yet but that day will come soon enough. Besides... this is a totally fun look if you ask me. Yippee. Yippee. CURLS!! Man I love that. 

SHIT. NOT AGAIN.

Lordy Lordy. No sooner do I happily get rid of the disgusting, unsightly Clemson van parked next door then boom. I now have a truck in it's stead, parked in the driveway of my idiot neighbor. What the hell is WITH this guy?? You can only iMAGine my reaction when I saw it coming down the street only to now have to stare out my bedroom window and see it forever. Plus... you should HEAR this thing. Think: sputtering. How it even runs I have no clue and frankly... I don't think it runs at all, given the amount of time the guy spends outside, trying to make it work.

So look. I've been in a family of cars for years and years and years beginning with my Dad and brother drag racing every weekend at the local race track in Miami. Wanna talk trophies? Don't even ask. Then they had a hard core dragster that some guy used to race for them. Then they even rebuilt some sort of '57 Chevy station wagon that was MAJOR fast and they raced with that, too.

Oh yeah. When my brother made his own bucks I remember sitting next to him, as he drove around plenty in everything from a Corvette to a Rolls Royce. Ferrari's, and Lamborghini's, too. And... everything in between. Which totally reminds me of...

When I was 16 years old and Bob was 21. He had his first Corvette who's engine you could hear from what seemed like miles away thus it was pretty damn easy to hear him coming up the driveway, pretty much below my bedroom window. Expect the one f'ing time when he got home, apparently without my hearing the engine, and he came up the stairs to our bedrooms and boom. HE CAUGHT ME SMOKING. What??? All of sudden his car is as quiet as a mouse? So quiet that I didn't hear him in time to quickly stash away my evil sin? Jesus. Don't ask. All I know is: thanks to Bob, my parents weren't particularly thrilled to learn I was into smokes. Regardless of the fact I stole the cigs from where else? Their OWN stash! But whatever. In the meantime...


Back to the eyesore. Basically... so yes. I'm not new to old cars. In fact once my Dad retired he even had a warehouse slash showroom slash garage of GRANDPA'S OLD CARS in which he collected and/or refurbished and/or rebuilt vintage cars from the 20's, 30s and 40s. Even earlier, maybe. Who cares. What I DO care about is this piece of crapola now sitting in the driveway next to me. The driveway that is apparently going to be the garage mechanic's work place. The mechanic of course being the neighbor himself. I mean seriously. If you ARE going to be a car buff... get a place to store it! And to work on it! Just don't make me stare at your stupid ugly cars/trucks right outside my otherwise stunning house and window! 

Besides, I hate this guy anyway, but that's a whole other story onto itself. I can't imagine his keeping it the color it is now but trust me... I shudder to think what it COULD be when all is said and done. If it turns out to be another homage to Clemson I'll shoot myself altogether. 


Oh yeah... as if I don't have enough to bitch about... get this. Now not only does he have this truck in the driveway but now, also a big sign of how Jesus is the Season. Or something like that. Are you kidding me?? I have to now live next to a church, too?? Because basically... I just have to tell you that for me personally, Jesus plays no big part whatsoever in my particular holiday season celebrations. Which kinda means: the entire deal is up for debate if you ask me. Anyway... 

I now have to figure out exactly how I'm going to approach this entire topic at the neighborhood Christmas Open House party next Sunday. I am totally praying he doesn't show up. But of course he will. Maybe even in the friggin' truck. Damnit. 

DRONING ON... and ON... and ON

Yippee. What a great time I had with my kid when he was here last week. I ALways love when he comes home. Of course to him... it's not really coming home. To him, home is in Miami thus in HIS mind, he's merely here to visit Mom. Big difference in my opinion, but in the end it accomplishes the same thing. I GET TO SEE MY SON. Besides... home is where the heart is, right? 

Plus... now that he's finished with school, he was able to stay here for five days with no worries of classes, time schedules, etc., etc. Which meant: plenty of time to do all the manly things I needed help with, plenty of time to decorate the outside of the house with Xmas lights, plenty of time to help me out with all my new techie crap and naturally... plenty of time to let me savor each and every delightful minute with him.


And then I remembered: his alltime favorite playtime activity while at home. Buzzing around with his remote control toy helicopter. 

OMG. It all came back to me within hours. How I used to tell him: STOP WITH THE BUZZING ALREADY. For while indeed, I love watching him play with his helicopters, there does come a point however when you just have to say: enough is enough. Well... for ME anyway. For him, never. Yet little did I know that on THIS trip home, there was going to be an upgrade to the entire deal. A GREAT upgrade, too I might add. Get this...


HE ORDERED A DRONE! A VERY COOL DRONE, TOO. Which in my kid's mind far outweighs all the other helicopters put together. And frankly, I can't blame him. THIS TOY IS UNBELIEVABLE. Because get this... it's like a helicopter AND a Go Pro all in one. IT TAKES HD VIDEOS OF EVERYTHING WHILE ALSO FLYING ALL OVER THE FRIGGIN PLACE! Oh man. You just have to see this toy. Plus... you can't believe HOW DAMN HIGH IT FLIES! This toy, made by Husban, is something to watch, alright. Let alone a great gift to buy for any gent on your shopping list. I was HAPpily going nuts while watching this drone deal fly allll over the house. And I do mean: all OVER the house! For not only did my son love playing with it inside, but you should SEE what it does outside. In fact... here. You can watch one of the videos for yourself. IT'S WAY COOL. CLICK HERE


We did videos at night and during the day and this is one from the daytime. Duh. Granted... this is one of the first, thus it's sort of a practice video. The controls are very sensitive and it's plenty tricky getting to work it perfectly, but regardless... IT'S AMAZING, RIGHT?? There is no sound, but who cares. It's a drone... not a microphone set up. LOOK AT HIGH IT GOES! It's the next best thing to being a bird, if you ask me. Plus, I guess if you REALLY needed to check out your roof for damage, boom. You'll have a first hand look in no time at all. I'll bet the insurance companies would get a major kick out of me were I ever in need to turn over roof damage videos, right? What can I say? This toy is cheapie enough AND it's incredible. Who could ask for more?


Well... other than wishing my kid could have stayed much longer, I guess. For as I said... we had a fantastic time, a fantastic Thanksgiving celebration (with 17 of us no less!) and a fantastic amount of laughs. We went to great restaurants, a wonderful men's clothing store and but of COURSE our mandatory visit to WalMart SuperStore. Best of all... I get to think of my kid every night when I look outside. HIS XMAS LIGHTS LOOK EXCELLENT.


I'm totally blessed, I must say. And man... in addition to all his other qualities... does he ever have excellent taste in toys! My son is by far my alltime favorite person in the entire world. Uh... next to myself, that is, but who's counting. Oh yeah. Get a load of how the house looks at night! It's a crappy picture, but you get the idea. THE BEAMS OF THE LAZER LIGHTS ARE INCREDIBLE. 

WINDOWS F U

Oh man... this new operating system on my computer is strictly for the birds. I can't do HALF the things I used to do on my old one. And if it CAN be done, it's not only hard as hell but it also makes you jump through all kinds of hoops to make it even happen. You have no CLUE how many times I've Googled Windows 7 in the past three days. I needed answers to ZILlions of questions of how to perform zillion of functions. Easy ones, too. I'm beginning to imagine Windows 7 totally blows.


Speaking of bitching... which in case you hadn't noticed, I am doing... this new keyboard ALso blows. The keys on it are DEFinitely more compact and for the first time in 20 years, I'm backspacing up the kazoo to correct typographical errors. Lest you forget, I am not only totally a touch typist... and a fast one, too... yet I'm now looking at the keys over and over again, like a major idiot. What the hell is going ON anyway? This is crazy!


But my REAL beef is with the bullshit I now need to go through to even find what I'm looking for. Case in point: I have played FreeCell for YEARS. And, I'm damned good at it, too. Yes, I sometimes loose, but I've had winning streaks like there was no tomorrow. MANY, MANY TIMES I might add. Which naturally is why I love the game so much. I even play it while on the phone, given usually lots of conversations can often times be borderline boring. And for SURE I'm playing it while waiting for customer service or tech support, etc. In the meantime... have any idea how long it took me to even FIND the damn game on this new computer? Don't ask. Totally had to Google it.


Anyway... so okay. I find FreeCell. I play the game. I even played 10 more since that first one. Sitting down?? I HAVEN'T WON A GAME YET!!! I'm like outta my mind, here. WTF is going on? I'm beginning to wonder if... when I first opened the program, I didn't set the play level at DIFFICULT. Which naturally I would have done, given I'm such a champ at it. DIFFICULT??? This new FreeCell is simply UN-WINNABLE. I mean it. It's nuts!! I even went back OFTEN to see if I can get back to MEDIUM or ANYthing regarding play levels, but there IS no level option. Which then means... Windows 7 decided on the level for us and IT'S FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE TO WIN. Because trust me. If anyone could win, it SO would be me.


Yesterday I spent over an hour trying to find where all my photos from Picasa were stored and FINALLY I retrieved them. Thank God, btw! Which reminds me... I'm also plenty pissed that I now have to contact the  game companies from which I've downloaded a whole slew of games so they can please re-send my Play Codes so I can actually play the games once again. Don't ask. Jesus. What a crappy pain in the ass this new computer has been ever since I began using it.


On a brighter note... last night I didn't get to bed til maybe two in the morning. Why? Because I got so hooked into listening to music on my iTunes playlist and THEN on YouTube. I guess I've felt music deprived the past six months or something, because I was having the time of my life listening to a whole BUNCH of great songs. So basically... that sorta took my mind off learning this baloney operational system on this baloney keyboard. 

However I have no doubt I'll soon be right smack back to bitching yet again since just today I bought a new web cam and an external back up device. I shutter to even iMAGine what sort of funk THAT'LL put me in while trying to install it. Let alone use it. One saving grace though... YIPPEE. My kid will be here tomorrow! He totally should be able to lessen my techie woes. Man... thank God for small favors. And speaking of thanks...

HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE. I love that I have so many blog readers... I adore your email comments!... and I love that you get a kick out of reading this crap as much as I love writing it. Enjoy your holiday!


    

AQUISITIONS

OH MY GAWWWD. I can't believe how God damn WHIPped my head is at the moment! It's spinning but plenty given I am presently holding more new information in my brain today, than I have held in maybe the past six months put together. And let me just tell you... it is NO easy feat by ANY stretch of the imagination! I have hordes of new data going on inside and it's wearing upon me but PLENTY. And further... it's totally taken over my entire life for the past three days. 

Now that's the bad news. The good news is: I am now the proud new owner of three of the most incredible items ever. Two of which require I re-learn and store ZILLIONS of new information. Hence the brain overload.

1. Okay. Let's start with this: Last Monday... just days after it's release... I hightailed my sweet little ass over to my local Verizon store to  buy a new Samsung Galaxy Note 4 phone. OMG. IT'S SO INCREDIBLE, YOU WON'T EVEN BELIEVE IT. First of all, the screen is HUGE so naturally it helps my poor little eyeballs to view the screen with no trouble whatsoever. HALLEF'INGLUJAH. Plus it gives me WAY more customization ability than the iPhone 6. Sorry, Apple; you lose. In the meantime I've been simply thrilled with this purchase and seriously everyone... I suggest you too, consider getting one. You won't be sorry. So check. I have the new phone. On the other hand...

HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MANY HOURS I'VE PUT INTO LEARNING ALL THE FANTASTIC FEATURES ON THIS NEW TECHIE TOY?? LET ALONE DOWNLOADING A BUNCH OF NEW APPS? Don't even ASK. Talk about being crazy ass. Uh... thank GOD for the Verizon Cloud. Regardless, all I know is that I spent three hours at the store purchasing the phone, came home, played with the features, wrote down about 20 questions, headed right smack BACK to the store the very next day and spent yet anOTHER two hours getting all my answers. I totally needed 56 hour days. The bottom line? I ABSOLUTELY LOVE THIS NEW PHONE. Okay. Acquisition number one.

2. So next: Last weekend was THE coldest night of the year thus far. I mean COLD. And... I had to attend a birthday party at one of the hotels in Asheville so NATURALLY all of the guests had to wear their alltime warmest coat ever. As we were all leaving, grabbing our coats from the rack, I noticed Marshall's coat and went nuts. It wasn't the first time I've seen it but IMMEDIATLELY I told him and his wife: I, WITHOUT A DOUBT, AM CALLING DIBS ON THIS COAT! I ADORE IT! No wonder. Marshall was originally from Chicago and lo and behold what kind of coat does he have?  A FULL LENGTH MINK COAT FOR MEN THAT IS BY FAR THE MOST STUNNING THING I'VE EVER SEEN. Apparently my raving paid off because get this.

Two days later I got a phone call from Marshall's wife and what does she tell me?? Oh man... you better sit down for this. She tells me that she and Marshall spoke and decided that: given his previous wife, who passed away and had an equally stunning full length mink coat that has been sitting in the closet for seven years... maybe I'd like to come over, try it on and if it fits... take it!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? I'd LOVE to have this BEAUTIFUL MINK COAT IN A HEARTBEAT! Lordy Lordy. WHAT AN INVITE is all I can say. I raced over the very next day... tried on the mink... FIT LIKE A GLOVE. Sooooo luxurious you can't even imagine! Which basically means: I AM a queen afterall!! It's so warm and so beautiful it takes my breath away. It also weighs about 15 pounds but who's counting. I am sooo praying that everyday until March is about 32 degrees. Bingo. I'M WEARING THE COAT. Uh... I mean... acquisition number two.

3. Turns out my desktop computer was way old... in fact there's no longer any support for Windows XP and it was totally time to upgrade. Which I did when Mitch came over last week and helped me to order a new one. YIPPEE. IT ARRIVED YESTERDAY. Which meant that today, Mitch came over, spent four hours setting up the new computer, migrating all my files to it, and then showing me how to actually use Windows 7. (he told me I would HATE Windows 8, so I'll just upgrade when 10 comes out next year or whenever) Uh... btw... I have NO clue  what the hell I am doing with this operating system. Everything is so different than what I'm used to on XP and for the life of me, I can't figure out zillions of things I need to know. Care to guess just how long my list of questions is NOW? Forget the new phone questions. THESE questions are doubled in length, for sure. I feel as if I'm back in DOS trying to learn Windows all over again and IT'S HARD. 

My poor brain is so f'ing taxed and I see no end in sight for at least the next month. As for my new keyboard, btw... I HATE IT. I think it's smaller than my other one and is also set up a little differently, so that alone is driving me nuts. I have never actually LOOKED at the keyboard as much as I'm doing today. As we speak, even. WTF? Where IS Print Screen, anyway?? But... maybe I'll get the hang of it in time. So basically... whammo. Acquisition number three!

I have to say however: since my Friday nights will never be the same for the next six weeks... Bill Maher is taking a holiday break... I guess I'll be devoting THAT time to practicing on my phone and on my computer. Of course then, for a cool down of sorts, I'll be heading to my iPad for a bunch of games on Words With Friends. After which, I'll be listening to my Kindle so I can peacefully fall asleep hearing a bunch of wonderful stories.  

All in hopes of course, of re-energizing my currently fried brain. DEAR GOD, PLEASE LET THIS PHONE AND COMPUTER LAST ME FOR EVER. EDUCATING ME ALL OVER YET AGAIN IS SOMETHING I SERIOUSLY DOUBT I CAN HANDLE EVER AGAIN. THANK YOU GOD. AMEN. 

THE CATALYTIC WHAT??

I have no clue what a catalytic converter is... and I have no plans of learning about it, either. I DO know that it has something to do with my car engine and I DO know that an icon of sorts showed up on the dash display screen of my car. Which, come to find out, had to do with my engine emission system. Totally can't be a good thing.

And uh... it wasn't. I made an appointment with my car dealer, who I ALways use for my maintenance problems, and was told about the catalytic converter deal. Boom. It would need to be replaced. It was at that point that I told Steven... "Look... I don't care what the hell lie you have to tell the warranty people, just make sure it gets covered. Got it?" Got it. And then I left the car and headed out to lunch.

Except uh... Steven didn't get it. Turns out there is a little baby clause that states this particular part is no longer covered by the extended warranty. It WAS covered at one point, but  get this... on August 17th, the coverage for THIS part had expired. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? SEVEN WEEKS AFTER THE EXPIRATION I HAVE TO COUGH UP $1100 FOR THE REPLACEMENT?? This so has to be a joke.

Except uh... it wasn't. I had to replace it, warranty or not. Which is why as soon as I returned from lunch I searched out Walter, my ever popular salesman, and told him my story. He then sat me down, gave me a pencil and paper and told me to write down exactly what he said to do. Which uh... turned out to be fantastic info.

First I should put the charges on my credit card. Then I should call the home office for the owner's service department. Then... when someone from India answered my call, I had to be sure I asked to be switched over to a representative here in America, who apparently has a much better understanding of what customer loyalty is all about. Okay. Check, check, check.

Then, I was to tell the American, Cheryl as it turned out, that I have been a loyal customer for 50 years, which I have been, that my dealer alone, has taken care of all the maintenance on my car, which they have and then see if Cheryl can in any way please help me by offsetting the cost somehow, given the warranty expiration bit of just a few weeks ago. Which they might. Check, check. Check, check.

So yesterday morning, I did exactly what Walter told me to do. Naturally, I first tried sweet talking Cheryl as much as I could and the next thing you know, bingo. She took down my VIN number, gave me a case number, said she would contact the powers that be, and while she could promise nothing, she was going to try to get me something called "customer consideration".  Walter had even prepped me to then ask who would contact me with the decision and when I might hear back from said contact. Boom. Cheryl and I have a phone date set for Wednesday at 4:00.

DEAR GOD: PLEASE LET CUSTOMER CONSIDERATION LISTEN TO CHERYL AND THEN KICK IN TO HELP DEFRAY SOME OF MY REPAIR COSTS. I WOULD TOTALLY LOVE THAT. AND OH YEAH... I PROMISE TO NEVER SPEED, WHICH AS YOU KNOW, I NEVER DO ANYWAY. THANK YOU GOD. AMEN.

Okay... so the bottom line is: until Wednesday I won't know whether or not I'm totally screwed for the entire $1100. I will say this however: if I am screwed, I am completely convinced that I did pretty much everything I could, especially given that Walter even called the warranty company for me. Which is when, btw, we found out about the Aug. 17th expiration. Anyway...

I am totally keeping my fingers crossed that I do get some financial consideration because this money layout is definitely cutting into my want of two other things: 1.) a new desktop and 2.) a new smartphone. Now I'm not saying it will comPLETEly cancel out my two other wants, but man... I would so like to save a few bucks SOMEwhere. On the other hand... my car has never caused me any problems whatsoever in the seven years I've had it. Thus, it's therefore cost me almost nothing in repairs.

So maybe I can't complain TOO much. Although I'm pretty good at bitching, I will admit. I seem to have the finesse of that... and worrying... pretty much down pat. I know. Yet two more of my very best talents.

YESTERDAY VS. TODAY

Wow... what a surprise when I woke up today! And... just YESTERDAY I posted about autumn. Man... what a difference a day makes.

WAIT AND YE SHALL RECEIVE

Well holy moly. It finally happened! After seven years of waiting for the my maple trees to grow AND have stunning orange and/or yellow leaves... THIS IS THE YEAR. I am so damn thrilled, you have no idea!

Every day this week I have gone out to my deck to photograph the daily color changes and by today, almost all of the leaves have turned orange. I can't believe it! NO WONDER I LOVE AUTUMN SO MUCH! I have three maple trees and they look just so beautiful, I can hardly stand it.

Many trees around the city have indeed already lost their leaves, but for some reason, this year, the LEAF GODS have decided to let mine remain on the branches and change their color. Just the way it's SUPPOSED to be! The weather has soooo much to do with which trees will shed, which trees will have vibrant colors and which trees will turn brown way before coloration even occurs. THIS year was the year for my very own backyard. THANK GOD. It's about damn time, I'll say that much.

Am totally bummed that my kid won't be home in time to see this but I've sent him pictures.  He doesn't arrive until Thanksgiving week and trust me... by then, NO tree will have any leaves left on it. I have to say btw, I have seen very little outstanding reds and yellows this year, but doesn't matter all that much given my FAVorite color is orange. Some years the coloration is SO F'ING STUNNING it takes your breath away and I have to immediately stop the car, whip out my camera and snap a shot.

Honest to God... I NEVER saw this kind of beauty in Miami, EVER. Which is yet another reason I am tickled pink I never have to live there ever again. And hopefully... never have to even visit. I'm telling you... this has been SO worth the wait of 7 years.


And with that... just thought I would throw in the fact there is a 60% chance that we'll have about an inch of snow tomorrow!! EEEKS. Which is totally freaking me out given the Halloween party I'm attending tomorrow night is WAY up a mountain. OMG. My stomach is already going nuts. I already decided, btw... if the weather keeps me from attending, then I am DEFINITELY saving my costume for next year! I am totally in love with it.

HELLO LINDA... WELCOME BACK!

Man... I can't TELL you what great feeling is to be back to the Land of Linda. AND back to being my honest to goodness self once again! I had no CLUE I was even gone, but lo and behold... since I've returned to my real self, I'm thrilled to no end.

It all began about 10 months ago, I think. I totally felt as if I were being pulled in a zillion different emotional directions, and apparently, it was taking a toll on me. Not that I even realized it mind you, but one by one, each issue was beginning to weigh heavily upon my psyche. However... I THOUGHT I was doing okay. I THOUGHT I was happy enough. I THOUGHT I had everything under control. I basically THOUGHT I was still me. 

Uh... but apparently not. Because it was like one day, a couple months ago, I just woke up and said: HOLY SHIT. TIME OUT, HERE. I TOTALLY THINK I'M NOT MY HAPPY GO LUCKY SELF ANYMORE AND I DEFINITELY THINK I NEED TO GET A GRIP HERE. It was like a definite Admiral Stockdale moment from the 1992 VP debate where he actually verbalized aloud: WHO AM I? WHY AM I HERE? Jesus. Now THERE was one troubled, dude, alright. Anyway... 

Seriously, for a good 10 months, I was beginning to uh... miss being ME. What the hell happened to that happy, carefree lady that was all about fun, feasts and festivities, anyway? I LOVED that lady and then I realized not only was I missing in action, but more importantly, I was beginning to miss me like crazy!

Whoa. It was a startling revelation, to say the least. I couldn't believe that I was walking through the MOTIONS of being that remarkable Linda of ole, but in reality... I was somehow but a mere shadow of her for a while. Which is why, in the past several weeks, I took a long, hard look at myself, mulled over some personal bullshit issues, modified some actions and behaviors and bingo. GUESS WHAT?

I ACTUALLY DO BELIEVE I'M TOTALLY BACK TO THE LADY I USED TO BE, AND ESPECIALLY, TO THE LINDA I'VE GROWN TO LOVE AND ADORE.

I can't tell you how thrilled I am! Hello Linda... it's totally fanTASTIC to see me, again! And, it's fantastic to have all the bullshit behind me so that once again, I can entertain the world with my presence, my wit and yes, my charm. I know... I'm modest, right??

In the meantime, I guess some people take meds when they say WHOA NELLIE... WHERE'D THE REGULAR ME GO??... but am happy to say I didn't have to go that route at all. I guess I just needed time to work things out in my head until everything finally settled down once again. I also think that, not only were the past 10 months so very hard on me, BUT couple that with the long, horrible summer months that I so hate anyway and boom. It just maybe turns out I needed beautiful, peaceful autumn to arrive so I could become myself all over again.

Granted... during all this time, had you spent time with me, YOU'D have thought I was my normal, jolly self. For in reality, in spite of my being so outgoing and open and direct, I am indeed a very private person when it comes to the major personal side of me. I would NEVER have divulged whatever angst I might be feeling to anyone. So whereas YOU would have thought I was A-OKAY, I would have definitely known better. I mean I was going out, being social, doing my regular things in life, etc. but frankly... my heart really wasn't into it at all. Until now, that is. HALLEFUCKINGLUJAH. Plus...

And this is big... For the past 10 months I didn't even have it in me to do my beloved yoga!! Which REALLY should have been a clue, I guess. For I absolutely love my yoga sessions. Which thank GOD I began doing again two weeks ago. Granted... I am NOwhere where I used to be in flexibility. But my 45 minute session tonight for instance, was WAY better than when I began. But trust me... I have a long way yet to go. Don't even ask. My stretches are borderline painful. True, the muscles and ligaments are easing up but man. Don't EVER stop doing yoga for ten months. You'll want to shoot yourself altogether.

So yes... I'm glad to be back to the Land of Linda. You may not have missed her, but lordy, lordy, I sure did. I'm definitely happily psyched about the Halloween costume I'm donning Saturday night. I'm tickled pink about the Seafood Buffet I'm going to tomorrow night. I'm REALLY thrilled that Bonnie AND Teresa are back in full swing once again. And best of all... if you ask me how I'm doing and I reply FINE... I'm totally not faking it any longer. Finally. I'll be telling you the God's honest truth. So basically... HI LINDA, WELCOME BACK TO THE LAND OF WELL BEING. Yippee. I totally feel human again.

OLDER MEN

I remember when I was totally cool being with older men. Men who were like in their 50s or 60s. On the other hand... being with men who are in their mid 70s and early 80s, oh man. They are totally NOT cool. If anything, they almost become sort of dummies. I mean it. It's crazy.

I remember many years ago my parents were having their annual pool party, celebrating the Fourth of July. The entire crowd was exactly in their 70s or 80s and I was simply stunned at the group. The women... they were perfectly excellent company and had all their wits about them. But the men?? Jesus. Don't even ask. The men were all in their goofy bathing suits, their chests drooping way more than mine at the moment plus... every five minutes one of the guys would non chalantly expel gas as if they were taking a mere sip of water or something. Trust me... while all the men were having a perfectly fine time... they were definitely disturbing to watch, at best.

It was at that precise moment that I developed my theory: as soon as men turn 75, they become sort of intellectual doof balls. Granted... not ALL men, but most of them, anyway. It's like one minute they can be a bon vivant, offering really wonderful company and then bingo. The next minute, almost exactly on their 75th birthday, they become so damn dull, so damn quirky with their stupid humor, so out of the loop regarding pop culture and so damn void of any sex appeal whatsoEVER. Unless of course they have a kiss that will bring you to your knees. But yeah... good luck with that.

In the meantime, I am now at the age where I hang out with alot of 70 year old gents. Some 80s, too. Jesus. It just freaks me out. I can't beLIEVE what's doing with these guys. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I know... many folks would call me an elitist for feeling so biased about aging men but I just can't help it; I've lived this. I've had to dump several men just because they were totally proving my theory to be spot on. Huh? Christina Aguilera?? Who the hell is SHE?? Seth Rogen? Have no clue. Goth?? Never heard of it. Ice bucket challenge?? Oh yeah... I sorta heard something about that somewhere.

Don't ask.

I particularly love dining out with men this age. Wait... l don't love it at all. Instead I love how shocked I am at their crazy ass lunacy. The conversation is border line nuts because I find that time and time again men just MAKE THINGS UP as if they know WTF they are talking about. Men who apparently USED to be bright and delightful, but who now, all of a sudden come up with the MOST outrageous statements ever, claiming they are indeed, fact. Oh really?? Are you kidding me??

Okay. Okay. It's true. Todd Akin, the guy who claimed women's bodies have a shut off valve during "legitimate rape", is only in his 60s yet this is a perfect example of how horribly worrisome his family should be, come the next 20 years. By THEN he'll be ready for the BIGGEST DUMB ASS EVER AWARD known to man. I totally shudder to think. But regardless... you get my point.

Oh yeah. My favorite thing to do when dining or hanging out with an older man is to definitely call him out on his constant, insane ignorance. Which can basically keep me busy all evening long, too, I might add. I am like so far ahead of these guys that it totally makes me laugh. Needless to say, it also makes it hard to actually enjoy our spending time together. All of a sudden, I'm like professor, mother, clergyman and instructor all rolled into one, pointing out over and over again how off the wall their comments are. I know... a fine way to warm my way right smack into a man's heart, right. But who cares. They're nuts, remember? Anyway...

Yes. We all have problems with aging. In all kinds of areas, too. I have a slew of them myself. But one problem I DON'T have is: thinking like an asshole. My brain is not only working just fine, but my intelligence is as keen as ever. Of course according to the LINDA SCHOOL OF STATISTICS, I figure I may have about a good 10 years left, before my own sort of dementia starts kicking in. But at least that's a pretty damn good REASON and/or diagnosis, to be thinking like a jerk. And therefore... when this occurs, I don't imagine I'll then be spending lots of time courting and socializing, proving just how far along I actually AM.     

So... older men: Please. Stop behaving as if all your brain functions have been completely thrown to the wind. Get with it, for God sakes. Especially if you want older women like myself, to hang out with you. Man... at this rate I may have to reconsider things and go back to enjoying the company of men in their 50s.


Not an altogether a bad idea btw, now that I think about it. Besides... I've yet to meet one guy who even THINKS I'm as old as I am. THEY love my perky personality. I love Dr. Harley. Boom. A match made in heaven.

WORDS WITH FRIENDS

Oh yeah?? Friends?? Oh man.... some way to stay friends, alright. First of all... I have one friend with whom I play this game that ALWAYS beats me by at least 100 points. One of my BEST friends, too. On the other hand, I myself have beaten many a friend by my own 100 points, so hmmm... I guess it all evens out in the end.

In the meantime, I totally love this game: WORDS WITH FRIENDS. It's a Scrabble like game and I only decided what? A mere 4 months ago maybe, to join in with the other billions of people on the planet to become a part of this word friendly crowd. Yes, I will admit... I play Scrabble on my computer at least twice a day and have done so, for YEARS. And I have a Crossword book along with other magazines in my bathroom. Only recently however have I decided to play against others in the vast universe. And believe you me, am I ever glad I did!

Other than the fact... oops. IT'S TOTALLY ADDICTING. Seriously. I am now even keeping my iPad on the table next to my recliner so that when I sit down to watch TV at night, I can ALSO be multitasking by playing this game with something like 10 other individual players. And while I adore playing with my actual friends, I ESPECIALLY love the games I am playing with hardcore strangers. I have no clue who they are, where they live, or what the fuck they do. But man... some players are GREAT. I of course have beaten them every single time so far, but that's only because I had fantastic letters with which to make even more fantastic words.

These usually strangers have a mere number as their screen name so I have no clue whether or not they are males or females. I play this one game actually, with whom I am assuming, is a guy. Not just any guy either, because I swear to God... the words he comes up with are so damn challenging and so damn smart that I've concluded I'm playing with: Bill Clinton, himself. AND... if it's NOT him, then I decided it must be Madeleine Albright. He and/or she is a brilliant player and it simply knocks my socks off. Matters not that I beat Bill and/or Madeleine every damn time but trust me... they give me a damn good run for my money, nonetheless. In the meantime...

I have to totally do something about this addiction bit, however. I can sit watching stupid ass TV and playing this game for HOURS at night. Hours during which I should be actually ACCOMPLISHING something! Like doing laundry, straightening the kitchen, SHOWERING, even. But the time just ZOOMS by and the next thing I know... it's hours later and I'm dead tired and have completed no task whatsoever. This is a way to treat your friends?? I totally think not.

Now I must say: I am completely thrilled that I absolutely have no personal dumb ass friends at all. Each one has been to college, each one is as well read as I am, and each one has a remarkable vocabulary. Which is why when I DO beat them, which I often do, I feel as if I'm a Pulitzer Prize winner of sorts. On the other hand, I also have to say... it's often basically a game of chance, since everything depends upon the letters you are dealt in the first place. Thus, I really can't let my winning games go to my head.

One game I AM looking forward to playing came about in a crazy way. I was in the doctor's office recently, kinda talking to the office manager who is one of my favorite people there. She was chatting and I was putting away my smartphone at which time Devan noticed I was doing Words with Friends. OMG SHE SAID. TELL ME YOUR SCREEN NAME... WE SO HAVE TO PLAY! Bingo. Next thing you know we set up a play date and I'm totally going to have a great time with her. 


Besides... I love my friends. I love playing with them. And, I can always enjoy making MORE friends. Of course, I have to totally stop being addicted to them at night, because seriously... this bit of playing until midnight only to have to then shower before bed is becoming a MAJOR drag. Not to mention... a happy waste of possibly productive time all evening long.

Oh yeah... if btw, you aren't impressed with my score down below then you should at least be impressed that I learned how to take a screen shot of my iPad! I was thrilled the night I found out how to do it.

BTW... what's the deal with word in the upper right hand quarter?? I swear to God... I NEVER SAW IT BEFORE NOW. Holy crap. Oops. I mean shit. 

PUMPKIN PATCH

Man... I never thought the day would come. Finally. AUTUMN is here! No real color change yet, but it matters not. The temps are delightful and the season has begun. Next thing I know Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas will be here! Yippee! Of course, a probable harsh winter will ALso be here, given the Almanac calls for crazy ass snow which will then mean power outtages, icy roads, COLD temps, but whatever. I have my generator and Ativan so bingo. Who needs more?

In the meantime, in preparation for all these events, I had to have two problematic Poplar trees in the front of my house cut down. IT WAS LIKE THE FIELD TRIP OF A LIFETIME is all I can say. You can not beLIEVE what an experience this is!! I was wonder struck to say the least.

It all began with Nick and his team who brought enough machinery to cover the entire street in front of my house. I totally felt as if he was getting ready to perform agricultural heart surgery. But whoa... does he ever have his team all prepped and ready to go. It was amazing!

I took a zillion pictures of the entire procedure and you can even view them by clicking on this Link.

I just couldn't help shooting away given 1.) I had never seen anything like this before and 2.) it was WILD. Seeing Nick hanging on a cabled harness about 100 feet... maybe more??... in the air was astounding! I told him: BOOM. THIS ONE'S FOR YOUR MOTHER!

Anyway, the way this operation goes down is something else. The guy who maneuvers the HUGE iron hook which will handle all the cables does so with amazing precision. He has to. Otherwise he'd either drop and/or kill Nick altogether or have the tree totally crash into my house. 

Next thing I see Nick is lifted way way up into the air so he can apparently wrap some rope I guess around the tree truck. THEN if I remember correctly, the tree is sawed at some mid point and whammo. The hook and cable carry the top of the tree, in mid air, back down to the street for grinding. Granted... this is a major watered down description for in actuality everything the surgical team does is pretty damn complicated. AND SCARY.

The whole event took maybe a couple of hours. And oh yeah... I had asked that they not cut the tree stumps flush with the ground. First of all, they never do so I knew I would trip over it and definitely kill myself. Secondly, I decided i wanted to make a bench of sorts by buying a piece of lumber to reach from one stump to the other so I could put flower pots, etc. upon it. Which brings me to the Pumpkin Patch.

SEE THE PUMKINS IN THE PICTURE UP ABOVE?? I totally love welcoming the fall season with these treats! I know... it looks pretty much lame for now, but soon enough I'll add gourds or SOMEthing around the area to make it all pop. Or... maybe not. We'll see. Regardless... I absolutely love the ability of decor possibilities these tree stumps afford me. Major great idea on my part, if I say so myself. In the meantime...

HAPPY AUTUMN EVERYONE! A nip is finally in the air, and the holidays are just around the corner. Which reminds me... I got THE best Xmas decorations ever. Get this... I have been eyeing a product for YEARS and I finally broke down and bought them. Sitting down??


I bought six sparkly colored laser lights that shine onto your home or landscaping or whatever and ARE WAY COOL when you see them at night. Like a party happening all over the exterior of your house! I bought green and red and btw... you should SEE what they do to the interior of the house for a party or whatever. I'm totally psyched to see what they'll look like when they're stuck in the ground and plugged in over Thanksgiving weekend. And... just in case I CAN'T get them to work... here's what they're SUPPOSED to look like. Crossing my fingers! 

P.S. If I EVER see any of my neighbors copying me... I'm totally reporting them to the Homeowner's Association.

TELLY TIDBITS

Okay. So I'm now up to 60 recorded episodes of Everybody Loves Raymond, but who's counting. Other than it's beginning to use up zillions of my allotted space on the DVR. Whatever. What I'M REALLY into this week is the absolutely FANTASTIC documentary on The Roosevelts on PBS.

It began Sunday night and is on every night this week, I guess and I'm totally telling you there is nothing better you could possibly be doing than watching this series. In fact, every American should be mandated to watch this if you ask me, before they're allowed to vote. Not that the show has much to do with voting per se, but it's incredible as to the telling of history in the United States. So basically... as you can see... I'm loving every second of this show.

No wonder. I not only love politics, but I love biographies even more. Plus... I adore dynasties, so watching all about the Roosevelts is so up my alley. And to make it all the better... I get to actually SEE AND HEAR all the people which of course you can't do in a book. The first two episodes seems to center alot on Teddy Roosevelt and well it should. Learning and seeing from whence he came and where he got, is just astounding. The respect one develops for this amazing American is beyond belief. To me... Teddy is possibly THE most genius President we've ever had. The fact that Franklin and Eleanor is thrown into the mix is mere icing on the delicious cake.

One of my favorite quotes of the night was from one of the narrators who basically said: The Founding Fathers saw our government as laws which are spelled out specifically and thus must be adhered to accordingly. Teddy Roosevelt, on the other hand saw our government in a way whereby if the Constitution does not specifically prohibit an activity by law, then boom. It's legal and we're totally allowed to do it. Kinda edgy thinking, right?? I don't know if I expressed this correctly, but regardless... it's very much Teddy's way of "thinking outside the box" if you ask me.

In the meantime, I can't get OVER the personal obstacles the Teddy, Franklin and Eleanor had to overcome in their lives. Which naturally groomed them to then become the major personalities of our history that they indeed have. Me? A personal obstacle? Boom. I collapse and fall into bitching and complaining and worrying and crying. Them? They totally see each and every almost horrific obstacle they come upon as a challenge to overcome and move forward. I'm telling you: there is no way Sarah Delano Roosevelt would have EVER put up with the likes of me. So... the bottom line??

Hit your tablet and download the PBS app and begin streaming this series or check out ON DEMAND and begin recording it. You SO won't be sorry and it almost makes the Kennedy brothers look like big high school losers. Well... not really, but I do believe the Roosevelts were of finer society. And oh yeah. Speaking of TV...

Thank GOD Bill Maher is back!! I was lost without him this summer but I must say... his return last Friday night was spectacular. Not only did he do his REAL TIME show live, from Washington, D.C. but IMMEDIATELY after it, within 5 minutes, he ran right smack over to do a double DC LIVE event at the Warner Theater for yet ANOTHER performance, but this time, an hour of his stand up. IT WAS FANTASTIC! All I can say is: I could live on this sort of television entertainment for ever! Who the hell could ASK for anything better?? Which only means...


I've been in TV heaven this week. Which is good, given that any day now, I will need to wean myself from the nightly news broadcasts altogether. Don't ask. If you're not suicidal to begin with, you well could be, by the week's end of daily news reports. Thank God for documentaries and comedies. I am totally their target audience.