Saturday, March 14, 2020

AN IMPOSSIBILITY


I happen to love hot dogs which is crazy since I would NEVER have chosen hot dogs over hamburgers until I was about 65 years old. Maybe a little sooner. In fact what I REALLY adored was a Burger King Whopper. Apparently my tastes run the gamut from crappy to gourmet. I love a Whopper with Cheese as much as I love eating a filet mignon, prime rib with a bone, or of course lobster. Seriously. I always threaten my friends that my next birthday party is going to be at Burger King.

Don’t get me wrong, however. If you suggest we go for a Big Mac or a Wendy’s Double with Cheese (and of course, a Frosty) I will dance with delight. I am a target audience for these fast food hamburger poisons. Don’t even get me started on the french fries. EXCELLENT.

In the meantime, this evening was the first time ever I tried something different at Burger King. No… I’d never get a salad with chicken or something. Or any other salad they offer. Instead… tonight I was at BK specifically for their IMPOSSIBLE WHOPPER that everyone has talked about for so long. I was told you could never tell that the burger part was not meat.

Guess what? The Impossible Whopper test result? THE MOST DELICIOUS THING I’VE EVER TASTED! Sooo good and true to it’s claim, you’d never know you were eating a plant based burger. I was thrilled with every bite. Especially since I figured I was eating something way less poisonous to your body than a regular Whopper. Uh… not so fast, however.

There ARE fewer calories, granted. But only 30 less. There are NOT fewer carbs, unfortunately. In fact, there are more, which means the Whopper has millions of carbs and the Impossible Whopper has millions plus 11. WHAT A SCAM. Unless of course you’re vegan and just don’t want to eat meat. I was sooo hoping I was going to be eating a Whopper with WAY less carbs so I could enjoy it guilt free. Turns out it's impossible, alright. 

Looking at the nutritional information of the two burgers and boom, you are screwed with both. Man, what a disappointment. I was so hoping I could eat this Impossible Whopper for a meal everyday, like Jared did with his subs from Subway, and yippee. I’d be healthy and skinny in no time. Totally never going to happen. While the meat and the meatless burger may be okay on it’s own, add the bread, mayo, etc. etc., and bingo. The calories will kill you with either one… 660 calories vs. 630. I guess if that’s the ONLY thing you eat each day, you’d be okay. But… what about the fries and milk shake? Oops. Factor that in and calories probably go WAY, WAY up. 

Which basically means: either choice is like pouring poison down your throat. Yes, DELICIOUS poison, but still. Poison, nevertheless. Thus in the end, I think I’m much better off with having a hot dog. Damnit. The funny thing is…

For the past six months I’ve been very careful about how many carbs are in the foods I eat. Hence, my sugar levels have come way down (my doctor is tickled pink) plus I’ve lost maybe 8 or 9 pounds. So I basically still don’t see Burger King on my list of places to eat. Total bummer. For according to my calculations, that is one restaurant one can only visit about once a year. Although.. I will say the Imp. Whop. is huuge so  one can easily make this a two meal kind of deal. On the other hand…

If like Jared, I eat only two Impossible Whoppers a day I’m thinking that brings my calorie count up to just over 1200 calories. That’s pretty good, right? Hmmm… maybe this could work, after all. Of course by the 3rd day you’d probably want to hurl, in need of a fresh salad or fresh fruit or a fresh fish fillet or SOMEthing. Besides, regardless of the calories, both burger choices have more carbs in one, than we’re supposed to have in an entire day. Whammo. The underlying flaw in this impossible diet. 

BTW… Do they even still give out those stupid little crown hats?? I guess I should have asked for one tonight when I was there. Especially since I won’t be able to go back there for almost another 12 months. But believe you me... I SO am looking forward to this time next year for this is DEFintely the most delicious tasting burger EVER.




From Memory!
 (from the 60s) There's a Burger King close to you, try a Whopper order two, best burger buy for miles around... broiled, not fried... how does that sound?? Burger Kinnng...

(1974) Hold the pickles, hold the lettuce, special orders won't upset us, all we ask is that you let us serve it yourrrr way. Have it your way....Have it your way... at Burger King!

Monday, March 9, 2020

THE ART OF PROLONGING


Okie dokie. I basically have nothing to say. Instead, I’m merely procrastinating my having to do the wash. I can not beLIEVE how accomplished I’ve become at putting things off for a later time. Seriously. I lived my entire life living embracing the motto: never put off for tomorrow what you can do today. That applied to every facet of my life whether it be personal, social or professional.

Now, however?? Oh man. I can now put off just making an important phone call for days. I mean, exactly how damn lazy can one lady be?? You should only SEE what my inbox looks like in email. Today I finally answered a friend who I’ve been meaning to reply to for a month! In the meantime...

My close girlfriend is forever putting a load of wash into the machine. Bingo. One load, and all the laundry is done. Me? I let the laundry pile up way high and bingo. I then have to do at least 2 loads at a time. Sometimes 3, if I have linens. Which is why btw, I basically have  50 pairs of panties… so  I can be SURE I have plenty before I am actually FORced to get my ass in gear and do the wash. You’d think I was living in the 1800s before electric washers and dryers were invented and laundering WAS a major chore. Seriously. Just how hard IS it to put in a load, right? My Mother would be appalled, I bet.

Couple procrastination AND laziness and boom. You have me. Actually, I think it became a hold over from my husband. He was the King of Postponing although it really never rubbed off on me until I turned about 60 years old. As it happens, some say delaying tactics can be a sign of depression, but neither of us really ever had issues with depression. So for me, I’m going to hang my hat on my new-found laziness issue which also was never a part of my personality until later in life. Trust me… the day I totally retired, I have never set my alarm clock ever again, unless it's absolutely necessary.

I am now sooo jealous of people who get things done lickety split. Even when I cook dinner, it’s enough just for me to prep the food and actually cook it. But having to then load the dishwasher afterwards AND have to wash the pots and pans? Talk about work. I so have no guilt if I get to them several hours later when the 11:00 news comes on… let  alone, soak them overnight. When I was younger, I ALWAYS cleaned the kitchen spic and span after dinner just so I wouldn’t see anything needing cleaning when I woke up the next morning. Uh… apparently I have no problem with it nowadays which is crazy because my other motto is: cleanliness is next to Godliness.

On the other hand, just today I went to the garden store, bought 40 pansy plants, came home and planted them all in the six planters I have on my deck railings, then hosed down the entire deck, came in and in no time at all, hopped into the shower. Perhaps this doesn’t sound like a lot of work to YOU, but for me, this is definitely and 2 and 1/2 job, easily. Not counting the ride to the plant store. So maybe I’m not such a lazy bitch afterall, now that I think of it. For I DO get everything that needs to be taken care of done, just at a much slower rate and/or a much later date. BTW... the pansies look excellent on all the railings, as you can see up above. Yay me. 

On the other hand… given I’ve taken a nice little break here, writing all this after my shower… I’m now totally off for my treasured daily nap. I’m whipped! Which only means:

Damnit. I still have to do the laundry when I wake up.

Saturday, March 7, 2020

V IS FOR VIRUS


And venom. And vile. And vicious. All of which conjures up pretty much the way I feel about the coronavirus that’s apparently taking over the planet. If the Center for Disease Control wanted to get my attention, you can damn well be sure it did. I AM FREAKED.

Which didn’t take all that long, actually. About 10 days after learning about the virus hitting Washington state last month, I was boom. 1-2-3 online, learning about which masks we were supposed to get and then began checking out Amazon’s supply of precautionary products. I began on a Friday morning and by Saturday night I had ordered more mask varieties than you can imagine. By the beginning of this week, I was ordering all kinds of disinfection products you can possibly think of. The recommended disposal gloves arrived today.  Look up above and you can see the mere beginnings of my zillions of orders. The zinc lozenges, more Purell, remaining masks, etc. will arrive soon enough. Trust me… I am totally THE target audience for this kind of frenzy and fear. Although, THIS time it is within complete reason.

As a matter of fact, this past Monday Bonnie, my assistant, was here and announced that her 40 year old daughter, who had a bone marrow transplant for cancer three years ago, was hopping on a plane yesterday to enjoy a footloose and fancy free trip throughout Europe for a month. NOW she decides to go?? IS SHE FUCKING NUTS?? I was aghast, to say the least. Naturally, I then told Bonnie well, guess what. Don’t come to help me for several weeks after her return for I am NOT having anyone here who could knowingly possibly be compromised and then walk into my home. THAT is just batshit crazy, if you ask me.

Bonnie’s daughter is apparently as much off the rails as Trump is when it comes to this disease. For Trump too, is walking around in a fog when it comes to national expert medical advice and subsequent intelligent precautions to which all citizens should adhere. Let alone the World Health Organization’s advice. Afterall, when Lindsay Graham starts telling the President to actually pay attention to the medical scientists and doctors, you KNOW we are in trouble.

Trump’s assessment of this horrible, horrible situation is less astute than that of a 12 year old. He is in no way being honest with the public… gee, what a surprise… thus I don’t believe for one minute this virus deal will be in and out within the next month. Don’t even get me started on Trump’s suggestion that people just go to work if they must. All will be fine. HE IS OUT OF HIS FUCKING MIND and I can only pray he is smashed by the voting public come November. There are plenty of other prayers I have lined up for him, but I totally don’t want Blogger to come after me and haul me off to jail so uh… I’ll  just keep them to myself.    

All I know is: I so hope that all our families and friends… and strangers, too… never have to deal with those we love contracting this virus. It is terribly scary and possibly deadly. My son’s sole job is to treat sick folks coming into his urgent care facility and bingo. He called me Tuesday to say the very first coronavirus patient to test positive in NC is but one hour away from where he works. WAY TO MAKE A MOTHER GO OUT OF HER EVER LOVIN’ MIND. I’m a nervous wreck from EVERYthing by now. Talk about: 


Which is a big problem. I am so not calm about all this! Not even ice cream is helping, which says a lot. I hate this medical news. I hate Trump’s out and out lying about it all. I hate that the entire country is out of supplies in grocery and drug stores. Most of all, I hate what this is doing to my normally happy-go-life. Yay chocolate.       

Thursday, March 5, 2020

AN EVENING OF BLISS


Oh man… it takes so little to amuse me. Which is why those exact words should totally go on my tombstone some day. If I am anything, I am easily entertained by things or people that others would ordinarily dismiss as borderline folly.  Me, however? I fall for the preposterousness of it, all the time. Hence, I constantly laugh at and/or enjoy stupid things with little judgement or effort which obviously is nothing to necessarily brag about. That said however…

I not only amuse easily, but it takes so little to make me happy. In this particular case… a mere little food truck coming to town. Well, okay. This one was pretty big. I got a call from a friend on Friday night asking me if I wanted to go a nearby brewery the next evening because the Cousins Lobster truck was going to show up there, allowing us to then plop down a decent enough amount of bucks to dine on Maine lobster rolls, lobster bisque, etc., etc. I WAS IMMEDIATELY IN SHEER HEAVEN JUST THINKING ABOUT IT. Talk about not having to ask twice. I remember the founders of this company appearing on Shark Tank and there was no way in hell I ever imagined that one day their food truck would actually show up in my small town city. Thankfully, I was wrong with a capital W.

For, of all things I could name as my alltime favorite food, lobster is first on the list. Last summer, the first time the lobster truck was in town, I was in line with 3 other friends, waiting for one and half hours to get to give the guy my order. It was HOT and the line was LONG. However, that never deterred us for we totally had our eye on the prize. LOBSTER ROLLS. Our big mistake was going at 6:00 but whatever.

THIS time however, it was cold outside, and the truck had already been here enough times so that the delight of it all has simmered down considerably. Given I had already gone with another friend that day for a huge, deeelicious gyro for lunch at 1:30, it wasn’t until 7 that I could even think of another meal. BUT… once we got to the brewery, I was all in for my dinner treat. There weren’t nearly the amount of folks as in summer, so we landed a table 1-2-3 and bingo. Was able to walk up the truck and order immediately!

HI. I’M STARVING AND TICKLED PINK YOU ARE BACK. I’LL HAVE A CONNETICUT LOBSTER ROLL WITH EXTRA LOBSTER ON IT AND A CUP OF LOBSTER BISQUE AND A DIET COKE WITH HEAVY ICE. THANKS. Boom. My tastebuds were dancing already. 

TOTALLY DELICIOUS. Plus, next to us at the table were two wonderful young ladies, in their 30s, who entertained me to no end. All four of us had a great time chatting away while eating and drinking. Everyone but me was drinking beer, but I’m too addicted to my Diet Coke chemicals to ever down anything but. Anyway…

Just as if my friend and I were not in our 70s, these two young ladies conversed with us as if we were sitting in a college quadrangle having a hilarious conversation. By the time we left, I already knew that one of the women was dating a man 17 years her senior and she never uses protection while doing the deed. To which of course I had to step in read her the riot act of such stupidity. Don’t ask. I turned into a fanatical mother right on the spot. I can't tell you what this lady's job is, but her sex life? Whammo. I'm fully in the know. Go figure. I also wound up with the cell number of the other young lady in case my son ever wanted to give her a call. I’m so telling you… these girls were the best entertainment I could have asked for.

In the end, it was an evening of sheer bliss for me. Lobster. Friends. Laughter. Live music. Who could ask for more? Well, one thing I could ask for is that the one woman USE CONDOMS, if nothing else. What single lady in this day and age goes out with a guy for five years and just wings it?? Maybe I should have asked if she was Catholic, but I almost want to say that even the Church today, now signs off on contraception. Maybe not, but it turns out 98% of their female flock do. Trust me… the minute she tells the boyfriend whom she adores that she’s pregnant, ten to one he so will say: uh... thanks, but no thanks, I’m outta here. 

So much for amusement.