Saturday, November 28, 2015


I try to rarely climb up a ladder. No need to hit the emergency room when I slip and fall right smack on my ass or something. Besides, I'm afraid of heights. The closest thing I come to being on a ladder is when I need to change the time on the clock each Spring and Autumn. The clock is in my family room, on the wall, up above my TV, so I totally can't reach it without my step stool. And that's about as high as I ever want to be. 

Now however, I'm considering a ladder. Not for the clock. Instead... for my new bed. You see it up there in the picture. Granted, it's not my bedroom, but it's the same bed nevertheless.

Turns out, according to the Laws of Bedroom Mattresses, you should totally buy a new bed/mattress about every 10 years. I won't even go into the reasoning, for it creeps me out totally. Just take my word for it. Anyway... I am soooo embarrassed to admit it, but I've had my bed for wayyyy past 10 years. Sitting down? Have a strong drink in hand? Ready for the admission??

I've had my bed for 30 years!!! I KNOW. IT'S HORRIBLE, BUT I CAN'T HELP IT. I love my bed almost more than any other piece of furniture in my entire house. To me... it offers the best night's sleep EVER. It's nice and firm. And it' so damn comfy, you wouldn't believe it. Besides... it affords me my alltime favorite hobby: sleeping. So... given the scary amount of time I've loved my original bed, for the past two years I've kinda been on the lookout for a new bed. And guess what?


And I couldn't be happier! Thank God for small favors is all I can say. I decided, btw, this is the bed I hope I'll be in when I kick the bucket, although I totally think it will be creepy when I do see Heaven and my kid will maybe move right in and then HE will be in the bed, instead of me. Trust me... there is no way I'd have EVER slept in the same bed my parents may have been in when they said their final adios. But whatever. In the meantime... 

I am completely stoked over this new bed. Am also stoked over the sale pricing, too. It's a specially made bed, one that can't be found in retail stores and is the same bed used in many five star hotels. Hotels that need to make SURE they supply excellent sleep for all kinds of people and/or sizes, who pay zillions of bucks for their nightly room. The bed is what they call for "commercial" use. Hence, it's top of the line, lasts for years and years, has a fantastic box spring, head to toe coils, won't sink in the middle nor on the sides, and has a mattress that is made with 21st century materials for sheer comfort. It's a total winner. Plus... because it's made to order, it hasn't been sitting is some disgusting showroom or warehouse for months. And best of all... IT'S NOW MINE.

It arrived Tuesday afternoon. And btw... when this delivery company says they'll be there at 3:00, THEY'LL BE THERE AT 3:00. Like on the DOT.

It just so happened that Claudia was here when the men arrived and took out my old bed and brought in the new. Meaning: no sooner had I closed the doors on the delivery guys than I made Claudia run to my bedroom to do a test run with me. Bingo. We stared at the bed, felt all the fabric, checked out the features, etc. and then lickety split, we plopped right smack down upon it. WE ALMOST NEVER GOT UP. It was stupendous, is all I can say. And... I hadn't even put the sheets on it yet, either. As if that wasn't enough...

We then opened the $15 million dollar mattress topper I had gotten from Bed, Bath, Beyond in honor of my new bed's expected arrival. Talk about a racket, but it doesn't matter. It's pretty much worth it. Or so I thought. It also raised the height of the bed to exactly where the my bellybutton is. Meaning... I'd never have to bend over to make my bed ever again. Well... I mean when Teresa makes it, but whatever. 

THE BED WAS SO TALL FROM THIS MATTRESS TOPPER, I PRACTICALLY NEEDED A LADDER TO GET INTO IT. It was crazy. My feet didn't even reach the floor when sitting on the side! As opposed to any guy 6 and a half feet tall who would so be in his glory! I literally had to slide off the bed until my feet hit the ground. Talk about feeling on top of the world. I kept thinking about the Princess and the Pea... she'd NEVER feel the pea at this rate. She'd squish it just trying to get out of the bed. Anyway...

It matters not for after I finally made my bed that evening and yet again did a test run for blissful sleep, I imMEDiately had to take off the multimillion dollar topper given it not only was an additional 4 inches high, but ABSOLUTELY made my bed look five times larger than all the other furniture in the entire room, put together. Talk about easy come, easy go. So back to the store goes the topper deal. However... now with the just the bed as is, things look far better proportioned in the room and I'm so telling you... I expect sheer visions of sugar plums to be dancing all inside my head when I hit the sack tonight. Plus thankfully when I wake up tomorrow, my feet will dangle only five inches from the ground rather than nine.

And speaking of thankful... I hope everyone had a most wonderful Thanksgiving celebration. Not only did I love my feast and festivities but I am totally thankful for my bed which by the way works out pretty well given every morning since it's arrival, I've awoken anywhere between 10:30 and 11:00. Now THAT'S what I call a great night's sleep. Besides this new box spring and mattress deal? Gives a whole new meaning to: climbing into bed. 

Wednesday, November 25, 2015


You know these women? Well neither do I. Well, not completely, anyway. After years of seeing them while enjoying my lunch, I finally learned their names. And that's pretty much about it. Except that they are also sisters. 

Turns out Delores and Mary Ann lunch at the country club just like I do. And while I am often with my own sister when I see them, I am often with alot of different friends of mine, too. Like I was yesterday when Betsy and I were there. Not surprisingly, so were Delores and Mary Ann.

A couple weeks ago, I even stopped by their table to chat a moment and one thing led to another and somehow I mentioned that I had a blog. Naturally I had Delores give me her email address so I could pass the blog site on to her, warning her that there are in fact times I may get a little racy in my speech... so if that's a problem... then for sure she'd have to pass on it. Being brave however, Delores was up for the challenge.

Anyway... I do have to say these women appear to be two of the sweetest ladies you'd ever want to meet. Always smiling. Always talkative. Always polite. And always enjoying their lunch. Kinda like me, actually, but ten to one... they are way sweeter than I. But who's counting, right?

I have no clue what the three of us have in common other than we love dining at the country club but it matters not. For if you get a chance to chit chat a bit with these sisters, you're guaranteed to have a happy, lively conversation. In fact at yesterday's lunch Betsy was telling me about the neighbors who live above her and how EVERY SINGLE Sunday morning, like clockwork, the people have sex. Which normally would be of no interest to Betsy except for the fact that she can hear each and every moan of these two lovebirds, as well as the banging of their headboard. No pun included. 

Needless to say... this sort of conversation was totally up my alley and I was laughing right smack out loud. Picturing Betsy having to endure this every week simply had me in stitches. And, given the age of the couple, we were trying to imagine exactly which med the hubby must be taking to perform so consistently week in and week out. I myself came up with the theory they must be engaging in oral sex, but Betsy shot down that theory, given the headboard banging bit. Whatever. In the meantime...

I was laughing so much, Delores eventually asked from across the room... what's so funny over there? I must have said something like: Betsy is telling me about her neighbors, alluding to the fact they are "noisy", if you catch my drift. Which I think I'll tell Delores and Mary Ann all about when next I see them. Why hold back on such juicy news, is my thought. Unless of course they KNOW these people, in which case I'll be mighty embarrassed. Maybe.

Anyway... as I said, these two women are so very sweet and probably very kind. Which points to the reason I love my little town so much. You can meet wonderful people all over the place. Everyone is just so happy to be living here. Besides... it's autumn, so who WOULDN'T be madly in love with living here? Oh yeah... tomorrow night... low will be 30 degrees. Yet another reason to be tickled pink. 

Regardless... I think I'll have to make it my business to join Delores and her sister at their table one day for lunch, so I can learn more about them. I'm already planning on a great fabrication all about me, so that my life story can match up to theirs. Case in point: I think maybe I'll fictiously become the personal wardrobe advisor to Heidi Klum. Or maybe the pop culture advisor to Bernie Sanders. Then I'll REALLY have a great bio to lay upon the two sisters and they'll think I'm pretty famous, etc. For... were I to tell them my real life story... they'd be totally bored. And who could blame them?

Regardless, when I decided I was going to blog about these two women, I knew I'd need a picture of them. So last week I pulled out my camera and went running over to their table to grab a shot. "Huh? Why in the world do you want to take a picture of us?" I quickly made up some excuse so this entry could be a surprise to them; an excuse I can't even remember now, but am pretty sure it was lame as hell. In the meantime, boom. There you have it, up above. Delores is in white. Mary Ann is in blue. Don't they look like the kindest sort of people you'd ever see? And, they're funny. Bingo. My kind of women.

So here's to sisters. I can't wait for them to read this blog entry and be totally shocked they made the cut. HI MARY ANN AND DELORES. WILL PROBABLY SEE YOU AT LUNCH NEXT THURSDAY. HOPE ALL IS HAPPY AND WILL GRILL YOU ON THIS ENTRY AFTER OF COURSE, I'VE HIT THE BUFFET. BYE FOR NOW.

And speaking of the buffet... totally my alltime favorite place for lunch.   


Thursday, November 12, 2015


For those of you who feel a little lonely, adore the good ole days, want to be in touch with zillions of people or just like being inundated with 7000 emails a week, I have the perfect solution for you. Go to the web site for your 50th high school reunion and bingo. You'll never again have to worry about connecting with others. Oh my God. It's crazy!

I graduated high school in 1966. I know. I'm old. But regardless... I was in a graduating class with over 1000 kids. And those were only the seniors. Although at the time, I do have to say: I never felt lost in a crowd of maybe 3000. Obviously I didn't know every student, but somehow I never felt overwhelmed. Back then I probably recognized everyone I passed walking down the school hallways every day, but naturally now, I have no clue who half the people on the class list are. On the other hand.. the other 500 people are names I sort of recognize and then of course... there are the many people who I totally recognize and/or knew personally. That's the best part, btw. Reconnecting with those who were in your particular crowd.

From the pictures many of us have uploaded, I do have to say that the women seem much more recognizable to me than the men. And many of the pictures totally look like people I've never seen before in my entire life. At that point I have to check out the names attached to the shots, and sometimes even then they look like total strangers. No wonder. It's 50 years later! Talk about a total lifetime ago.

The most shocking part is the IN MEMORY section where you see all my classmates who have passed away. In a list of about 100, two were very close to me until the day they died. Several others were merely those with whom I was friendly in school. It's just totally freaky going down the name list, noting they are gone forever. It makes you feel so grateful that you're still around, still feeling pretty decent, still looking relatively damn good given our age and still able to enjoy life regardless of whether or not you're attending the reunion. Anyway...

I do get a kick out of seeing what so many of us look like 50 years later. It totally brings back memories of all the girls for instance, with whom I was friends since I was in first grade. I  played with so many of them, spent the nights with them, bicycled to their houses and even remember their siblings and parents. Whether or not they necessarily remember ME, I have no clue but it matters not for in reality, I had a perfectly wonderful childhood and youth.

To imagine that 50 years have gone by since high school can be somewhat startling. I must have lived two more lives since then. I graduated college. I married twice. I raised children. I taught. I went through the sex, drugs and rock and roll phase. And then... bingo. Next thing you know, I'm a retired old lady. Meaning I'm totally into the last years of my life. I have no major terminal illness, thank God, but trust me. At this point things only go down hill no matter what state of health you're in. Oh. And by the way...

If you think attending a reunion is inexpensive, think again. I believe the all the festivities run at least $200, if not more. And that doesn't even include hotel, transportation, etc. Hmmm... which means do I want to actually lay out a minimum of $600 see all these people? Regardless, as I said in the beginning, what REALLY blows my mind above all else are the zillions of emails you get for this event.

The first week was pretty interesting. It kind of took you back in time and started you thinking all about your high school days. Which were pretty wonderful for me, I'm happy to say. Even week two of all these emails was kinda fun. But NOW?? Six months later?? Oh my God. Don't even ask. Plus... we still have six months yet to go! This constant contact so takes over your entire inbox. Plus, there's a whole Facebook page so basically... if ever you need to relive your high school experiences because the first time around sucked, then you're so in luck.

You have a perfectly fine chance to relive it all over again with the possibility of making it way better. I do have admit however, that I get a real kick out of viewing all the pictures of everyone. There are so many that look almost the same but then again, there are PLENty who look nothing like themselves at the age of 18. Me, for instance. Here you see me at 17. And then you see me at 67. Big difference, right?

When I think back to high school, I pretty much have only happy memories. Of course it didn't hurt that I met the first love of my life with whom I went steady for about a year and half. In high school terms that's like what? 9 years maybe? Man, were we in love. If you could see the love letters, cards, etc. you'd totally flip. Oh yeah... and by the way, I graduated high school a virgin, no less. I had no clue you could even do otherwise. Naturally I perfected all the other aspects of sexual young love, but still... apparently going to college as a virgin was the only choice of which I knew. In any case... 

Not only did I find my first love in high school, but I also found Linda, my very dearest girlfriend for the rest of my life. In fact, we decided to go to college together and bingo. We were roommates. We were at each other's Sweet Sixteen luncheons, weddings, family gatherings, religious celebrations, etc. etc. Until finally.... absolutely brokenhearted... I gave a eulogy at Linda's funeral several years ago. She was the most wonderful friend ever. Anyway...

Believe it or not... I have no clue yet whether or not I'll attend my reunion. One part of me says yes, the other part says who the hell cares? I'll tell you one thing however... if they keep up this daily delivery of hordes of emails, I just may have to shoot myself way before next April in which case problem solved. 

In the meantime, if you were not able to attend my high school I feel major sorry for you. It was a fantastic school in a fantastic city, with fantastic students. Life was happy and easy 50 years ago and the biggest problem was making sure you could find a parking place given so many of us had our own cars. Well, that and being sure you aced your pop quizzes. Which reminds me... my favorite classes in high school were Spanish 2, 3 and 4. Trust me... by the time I graduated I was this far from being totally bi-lingual.