Tuesday, August 20, 2019

ROCKY RACCOON???


Awww… what sweet little faces raccoons can have. Except for THIS one, that is. EEKS. Talk about vicious looking! I would totally consider THIS an animal just this side of ferocious vermin. I of course would NEVER go near a raccoon. Why would I?? They are totally creepy and their claws are ridiculously long. Plus... I would never go near one like the one up above. Talk about evil looking!

Which brings me to last Thursday when my neighbors were loading up their moving van to finally pull out of Dodge. For being mere laymen in the moving department, these folks could so be great competition for the professionals, btw. They had about 4 strong family members with heavy duty muscles helping them to load everything onto the HUGE moving van and they were about as organized as any group of workers I’ve ever seen. It was incredible and trust me… this made for fantastic entertainment, watching everyone work like clockwork.

And what gets me… after two full days of loading up two moving vans, starting very early each morning, the neighbors THEN got into the van and headed off to Dallas to their new 4000 sq. foot home with a pool. Driving about the first 4 hours before they stopped for the night. Which, to my calculations, would bring them to their hotel by about 11:00 that evening. AFTER loading everything starting at about 8:00 that morning. WHO HAS THE ENERGY TO DO THAT ALL DAY LONG AND THEN HEAD OFF FOR A ROAD TRIP TO DALLAS?? Oh man… to be young and foolish is all I can say. And btw… they aren’t so young. Both the husband and wife are over 50. I can’t even make a dinner party for 8 anymore without a 10 day window for preparations! For 12, I’d begin even sooner. Anyway…

One the final day of the move, I stopped by as I was coming home, to say goodbye to everyone. I also checked out the empty house with the wife, reminding both of us what our homes looked like the day we moved in. Oh yeah… their house hasn’t even sold yet, but given the wife reads her bible religiously, no pun intended, she has put her faith wholly in God, knowing He would surely lead them down the path to a successful sale. No offense, but God has yet to give the folks even one offer in over 2 months, nor did any amount of praying keep them from having to lower the price twice already. And, when I say pray, I mean pray. The neighbor would never consider beginning or ending her day without reading or memorizing every passage in her beloved Bible.

I need to go off on a tangent here for a second, for I am mighty intrigued that these folks are soooo heavy into God and the Holy Book. Seriously. Now don’t get me wrong… I do believe in God and I have often prayed to God. But I totally would never hand over my entire life to him, to basically allow God to make all my decisions for me. Plus, I couldn’t begin to quote a passage or verse in the Bible if you paid me. Wait. I do know the 23rd Psalm by heart, but that is about it. But the neighbors?? Man. They are soooo into their Bible that I am telling you… either one of them could be preachers or missionaries at a pulpit in a New York minute, citing every verse you’d ever want to know. And oh yeah… being almost anti-gay and adoring Trump doesn’t help me in the truly-bonding-with-them department. In any case…

As I was outside watching them load up the moving van and chit chatting with the wife, they happened to mention the big raccoon that has been on both our front lawns all day long, sunning himself and having a grand ole time just hanging around. The husband TRIED shooing him away the day before but apparently this kind of vermin seemed to love his new found home. Okay. So we said our goodbyes, and I walked back to my car, which was parked in front of their house...where naturally, the raccoon decided to settle in for a snooze. I even had to have the husband walk with me to my car so this creepy creature wouldn’t God forbid, attack me. I was even at my front door as they pulled away in the moving van, waving goodbye and wishing them good luck.

It was then that I saw the raccoon playing all over my front garden, investigating every bush and plant on my property. If HE had the money, I bet HE would have bought the house and stayed for life. Unfortunately he couldn’t, however. Why? Because… get this.

When I woke up the next morning, what should I see but two police cars parked right smack in front of my lawn. There I was at the computer, reading the morning news, looking out my window and I imMEDiately stood up from my chair and walked to my front door, opening it to ask the police what the hell was going on. GET BACK, LADY! CLOSE THE DOOR! DON’T LET YOUR DOG OUT! A RABID RACCOON IS RIGHT HERE ON YOUR FRONT LAWN AND BTW… YOU ARE GOING TO HEAR SOME GUN SHOTS!! 

Holy Shit! Are you kidding me?? Man vs. Beast right before my very eyes?? Talk about an unexpected way to begin my day!

The two policemen were ADament that I safely go in residential lock down mode while they do in the animal. EEEKS. It was crazy. So as soon as I closed the front door, I ran right smack back to the computer room and watched the entire take down. First grabbing my camera, of course.

And then… I naturally took pictures right through my screened windows so I could immortalize this moment for ever. Like when would this kind of deal ever happen again?? Uh… never, that’s when. Oh yeah… and by the way… it took two shots to kill this creature. LOUD shots, too. I even had to supply the cops with two large garbage bags to transport this animal to only God knows where.

I am so telling you. This event was totally freaky and unsettling to me. Down below btw, you'll see some of the pictures I took of this crazy ass scene. I particularly love the expression on the policeman who did the actual shooting because in his face, you could see he was pretty nervous about having to face this creature. Were it a bear, which is not unusual to see around here, he would have fainted altogether. 

So... I am basically raccoon free now, ridding myself from a crazy attack and possible death. Thank the Lord. Which btw... is something my neighbors verbalize aLOT. Afterall... God IS their major guidance for all things in life. Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord.  


1. First sign of trouble



2. Sizing up the problem 


3. OMG. Ready. Aim. Fire!



Getting rid of the evidence




         

Friday, August 9, 2019

KEEP ON TRUCKIN'


I don’t get it. Everywhere I look outside my computer room’s front window, I see nothing but black pick up trucks. It’s been this way for years, beginning with my next door neighbor who first started parking his orange van in the driveway.

His Volkswagon van from the 60s. And, not just painted orange and white, but a major tribute to the Clemson football team which the guy idolizes. He’s 50, btw. Way past his college day years. You knew right off the bat the van was a tribute to Clemson because the whole damn thing was covered in Clemson logos… tigers, big paws, curtains, championship stickers… don’t ask. The fucking van looks like a monstrosity. Thank GOD he, after 5 years, finally either sold it or moved it somewhere else. I was thrilled to say the least.

Next thing I know, the same year the monstrosity was moved, boom. In it’s place comes a big black truck that belonged to his son while the kid was in college. I hate the truck as much as I did the van. Apparently the kid graduated college so now the neighbor decided to keep the truck for himself for another 5 years. Granted… the truck was shiny and all but seriously. Since when do I live in a used truck lot?? Better the guy should have parked his white Lexus outside.

On the other hand… the family has decided to move! Yay me. I’ll never have to see these ugly vehicles ever again. Except… I do. So get this…

I’ve been having a raging war inside my head, now with the guy ACROSS the street from me instead of next to me! About a year ago, HE decided to… sitting down??… park HIS black truck right smack on the street! Is this a joke?? Now I’m staring at yet another black truck everytime I look out the window?? It’s driving me nuts to say the least. We do NOT allow onstreet parking in my neighborhood! Well, except for this guy, apparently.

Turns out we all have two car garages plus ample parking in our nice sized driveways. The guy accross the street can’t use any of this however, given 1.) his garage is filled to the gills with what looks like a baby catamarand and all kinds of gargage junk 2.) his adult daughter moved back home with her now 3 year old baby and car and 3.) the wife has a car, so that means the two of them need to park in the driveway. Which means the neighbor now needs the street for his ugly black truck. It’s totally ridiculous.

So… since I’m on the Board of Directors for my Homeowner’s Association I finally decided to air my grievances to the President. I explained not only does a truck on the street totally ruin the look of our otherwise stunning neighborhood but more importantly, it poses a possible danger, given one now needs to drive AROUND the truck to continue on the street. Which at night means: it makes it tricky for not smashing head on to an oncoming vehicle. 

I also explained that I do not want to create any bad blood with this rule breaking neighbor, and would appreciate it if he, as President, would please address the issue FOR me. Mr. Prez said SURE. I’LL TALK TO HIM ABOUT IT. Yay resolution.

Except not so fast. I first mentioned the problem to the dopey looking President in February, let’s say and I’ve mentioned it to him several times since. And, I mean several. Plus, I’ve asked him to please let me know how the conversation went down, what the result was, etc. Uh… no such luck. I’ve heard nothing. No wonder. The guy hasn’t yet HAD a conversation with the neighbor. This is so hard?? It takes 6 months to accomplish this?? Fuck them both.

At this point, I’m ready to shoot the truck owner AND the President. I am totally getting no where… and fast. You can’t iMAGine how frustrated I am. Thus… I guess I’ll never get help nor rid the problem. So basically… I took matters into my own hands.

I quit the Board of Directors. That’ll teach ‘em!

I decided why the hell should I continue to work on this Board if I can’t even get deserved help in ridding myself of this stupid truck. Let them find some other sucker to take my place. Besides… when I accepted this position, I was told it was for a 2 year stint. Naturally, true to form, I then immediately began the monthly countdown to the end of my tenure, so looking forward to the completion of my Board service. THEN all of a sudden, a couple of months ago, when service was supposedly over, boom. I’m told: No. Not 2 years. THREE! Which now makes the President not only a schmuck, but a liar, too. (uh… sound familiar, btw??) Regardless…

Two days ago I emailed the President and made up some floosey excuse of why I needed to resign, hoping he’d understand and thanking the Board for all the effort they put into keeping our neighborhood as wonderful as it is. Two can play at this lying game, right? I have to admit I loved every second of this resignation. And oh yeah... after months of getting no info whatsoever about this truck bullshit, how long you think it took for me to hear from the Prez??

Boom. Next day.

Now, all of a sudden he finally tells me how he’s TRIED calling Mr. Black Truck, but his calls haven’t been returned. THEN GUESS WHAT?? WALK ON OVER TO HIS HOUSE AND KINDLY EXPLAIN THE SITUATION! OR EMAIL THE GUY. OR SOMEthing! What an asshole. Actually… now that I think about it… I am TOTALLY going to miss the goodies the wife puts out for us to munch on during our meetings. Of course, I’m pretty much the only one out of four, who downs most of the treats, but who’s counting. Two weeks ago she served homemade chocolate cupcakes with chocolate frosting and they were mighty tasty, if I say so myself. I'm going to miss the delicious cheese and crackers, too. Anyway…

Mr. Head of the Board emails me that he’s sorry to see me go but he understands, which basically means he fell for my completely crazy ass fake reason. And as I said… it was in his last paragraph that he threw in the bit of trying to reach Mr. Black Truck. Which is probably a lie, too, but at this point who cares.

Via my resignation, I’ve definitely claimed a personal victory in my war between these two folks. A victory that probably is going to come back to bite me in the ass sometime but still… a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do. Or… a woman.

3 HOURS DOWN THE DRAIN


Man… talk about 3 hours of my life I’ll totally never get back.  Plus… I’m so mentally whipped from it all, that it’s nuts. That’s the bad news. The good news is: my new cordless phone system is now in place. Holy ba holy is all I can say.

It all started about 6 months ago - maybe longer. The hand sets to my main cordless phone base all began to sort of have a life of it’s own. As in: in the middle of a conversation, boom. A crazy ass LOUD buzzing noise would occur, rendering the inability to continue conversing with whomever was on the line with me. For the other person, there was a dead silence yet for me I head this loud noise. At first it was just momentarily but then, as time went by, it became longer and longer. Like maybe for 45 seconds, which in phone language is pretty long.

I lived with this bullshit for a long time but FINALLY I broke down the other night and logged onto Amazon to order a new Panasonic Cordless Phone System with five satellite hand sets. I may have even written about this maybe 6 or 7 years ago, when I had to replace the system the first time around. In any case…

I am NOT that person who, like so many, have ditched their land lines in favor of carrying their cell phones around the house 24/7. I find that a totally ridiculous option given I can almost promise you that 1.) the cell phone will be in another room completely and 2.) I’ll never know what hell room it would be in, anyway. Thus… racing all over the house is so not my cup of tea.

Enter: the 5 cordless phones and bases. For ME, this is definitely the trick set up. Hence, I have a landline in my kitchen, computer room, family room, bedroom and sewing room. Best of all, I never misplace a phone nor ever have to chase one down. Complete bliss for a lazy ass like myself. Anyway…

The new phones arrived today and like I’ve done twice before in the past, I happily opened the package to begin the charge and then program the phones for all the options I love. I began with the main hand set and things basically went along pretty well. Until I got to the option of naming each of the handsets to show up on the display panel. Which is kinda important, so that I know which handset goes in which room. Case in point: the phone for my bedroom reads: MASTER BDR. It’s a totally easy procedure. Well, supposedly, anyway.

Par for the course, NO where on the setup options did I find how to actually name the individual handsets, which is an option of MAJOR importance to me. At one point, I even began to panic a bit, imagining there might not even BE that option on these new phones. So okay. I finally caved and tried calling Panasonic support. Don’t even ask. Like so many other big company support services, speaking to customer support, it and of itself, was an insane circus. Oh yeah. And btw… of COURSE I had no interest in thumbing through the manual to find the answer, since as I’ve mentioned before… I am too damn lazy. I’d much rather have some guy in India take 2 hours to tell me what to do. But whatever. 

Thus… given the support insanity, I just hung up and decided to live with things as is for the time being. I was just too spent to proceed for the moment and went to sit down in the family room and began to gather up all the packing garbage to put it in the phone box and make my floor look half way decent again. Lo and behold I came across the owner’s manual and casually flipped through it only to land right smack on the page I needed for naming handsets!! Talk about miracle of miracles. I was delighted way beyond belief!! Best of all… after  reading the very easy directions, bingo. MY PHONES WERE NAMED AND ALL OPTIONS WERE THEN COMPLETED. After a mere 3 hours, mind you but by then, who cared. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED. Seriously. The relief I felt was indescribable.   

Oh yeah… a good 30 minutes at least, were spent on merely creating my answer machine greeting. You’d have thought I was the CEO of the Panasonic Corporation itself and needed THE perfect greeting or something. Naturally, I finally just settled on the most boring of all greetings: HI. I CAN’T GET TO THE PHONE. PLEASE LEAVE A MESSAGE. THANKS.  I know. I know. Entirely mundane but who cares.

So for now, despite the 3 lost hours, I think I’m back on the grid. Hopefully… without the piercing buzz on the phone line. Thank you Alexander Graham Bell! And... thanks too, for all the ingenious telephone technology thereafter.