I TRIED... I REALLY DID

I was so hoping I would be able to forgo my even bringing this to anyone's attention, but I can't help it. It's just way too extraordinary a tidbit for me to pass on it.

What is it I'm talking about?? Get this... John Hamm, the guy from MAD MEN is driving everyone on the set CRAZY with his uh... his umm... well, his package to be exact. Apparently it's way too distracting thus they've gently asked him to please consider wearing underwear and there is now a whole big hoopla going on about it. ME?? OH PLEASE. You just KNOW that given that sort of info, I would SO mandate that he absolutely NEVER wear undies. 

Which apparently he rarely does. Uh... take a gander at that photo up above. THE WORLD HAS GONE CRAZY OVER THIS SHOT. Actually, me too. Now THAT'S a guy I could easily learn to love. Maybe. BTW... this is just how the press printed this picture for all the world to see. As in: just in case you missed it, they needed to zoom in. Which I must say, completely makes me roar with laughter. Kinda makes you think... is NOTHING private anymore? Uh... thankfully, not. 

I know... I know. I am way too overboard with this picture and with the entire topic altogether but as I said... I just can't help it. By the way... this picture was taken while John out on the streets with his girlfriend, who I so have to imagine is smiling up a storm each evening. Just saying.  

On the other hand, maybe she'd be happier with Jonah Falcon. Although if so then she'd sorta be bordering on the unacceptable. Turns out Jonah has a distinction of sorts. HE is known for presently having the... oh shall we say... the grandest package currently walking the planet?? So grand in fact that it's way not even sexy if you ask me. John however... major sexy. Oh yeah... in case you missed Jonah... here's a kinda shot of HIS claim to fame.

Whoa. Talk about freaky. SUGGESTION TO JONAH: Do away with the spandex, please.

All I can say is that it's too bad my mother isn't alive anymore. I'd LOVE to show her these two pictures. She'd laugh right out loud. Which brings me to why I'm posting them here in the first place. If I can't show my mother, then at least I can show YOU. In fact, what I'd REALLY love to do is show an idiot guy I once dated... then he'd know for sure why I had to give him the heave ho. He was neither a shower nor a grower. Thus... his being in the least bit sexy wasn't even up for consideration. But yeah... I know. That would be cruel. Why damage the guy for life.   

So for all you MAD MEN junkies out there... just know that indeed John's got the junk, alright. Which only points to: No wonder the ratings are so high.    

ROCK ME

It kills me that I could easily be the one and only person of those with whom I hang out, that has any clue whatsoever of some of the hit rock songs of the past three years, let alone of the past five. Plus... were I to mention many a band name in said time span I bet they wouldn't know that either. Which I decided can probably only mean one thing: uh... I'm way cool??

I happen to be reading Carole King's autobiography at the moment and HER music I can only PRAY my friends know. Actually, they really do, I am very sure. If not of course... then naturally, I'd have to completely rethink my friendship with all of them. But whatever.

On the other hand, were I to mention OneRepublic for instance you can SO bet they'd say: HUH? WHO?? NEVER HEARD OF THEM. Which would be a big mistake on their part, by the way. Case in point: this particular song is absolutely fantastic. I think I've mentioned it here before but if not... take a moment and please listen to it. In fact, even if I DID mention it before, go ahead and listen to it once again. Totally a hit in the Linda School of Hard Rock department. Click here to hear. Will get you up and dancing in no time flat.

In the meantime, it's a real shame that so many my age are so behind the times in terms of great rock music. Granted... Rap is no where on my radar. Nor is punk rock or heavy metal. Oh yeah. Hip hop is also no where in sight. That said... there are still many absolutely fantastic tunes that are going by the wayside for those 65 and over simply because they are no longer listening to the younger generation of musical hits. Which is way too bad given I hear new songs all the time that totally knock my ever lovin' socks off. And believe me...  they are a far cry from Carole King.

I could almost kinda get it however. For instance, when I was 25 years younger... I woke up every morning to get dressed for work and ALWAYS had the TV tuned into either The Today Show or Good Morning America. Both of which I now despise. Jesus... all that jabbering and perkiness so early in the morning drives me NUTS. Everyone is just too damn happy and alert and noisy for that hour of the day. I'm telling you... they so must be on speed. Besides, they just barely touch upon the REAL news any longer. Which is why I listened to those shows in the first place way back when. Nowadays?? Geez. I'd almost prefer going with Sesame Street. Regardless... 

I gotta suppose that one of the reasons my oldie goldie friends are no longer into rock could be that their kids are grown and out of the house. But hey... mine are too. Or maybe they just don't want to get up anymore and dance all over the city when a great song comes on. Or maybe they're too old to even remember the words to songs any longer. I can't say exactly WHY my age group has given up on great new music but I do have to imagine it's a major shame.

Granted, we ALL used to know every word to every song and to this day we still DO. But hell... the songs we remember by heart are all from the 50's, 60s and probably 70s. After that? Oops. Not even possible. Me on the other hand? Man... I may not be able to sing a LOT of songs from Generation X, but certainly FAR more than almost all of my friends. I mean really. I can sing practically every song from Madonna, The Police, Bob Seger and Bruce Springsteen. And I'm not talking just the Top Ten Hits, either. And once we get into the 90s, btw... don't ask.

I do have to admit alot of rock lost me once the year 2000 kicked in but at least I TRY. Which I'm not sure most my age even do. Besides, I am pretty sure Queen is my favorite rock band yet I wonder how many of my friends could even name three of their tunes. Now... don't get me wrong. I am in NO way whatsoever an expert in the rock genre by a far cry. And for SURE my memory is pretty much fried at 65... but still. That doesn't mean I've given up on rock altogether. Afterall, I DO have an iPod so that accounts for SOMEthing, doesn't it??

Except... yikes. I forgot. Now that I think about it, my iPod is LOADED with tons the Oldies. Which probably then means: Uh oh. So much for my still being way cool, afterall.

GOLD STRIKE

I am totally in love with my latest purchase. The minute I saw it on Home Shopping Network I knew I would love it and sure enough... it's even better than I thought it would be.

I absolutely hate advertisements while watching TV so I basically never watch them. Instead, whenever one comes on air, I always flip the channel over to either QVC or HSN. Kinda like: why NOT treat yourself to something great during a commercial break? It can totally enhance your viewing pleasure if you ask me. So a couple weeks ago, a commercial came on thus bingo. I switched on over to HSN. And what do I see but the full length mirror in the picture up above. Except guess what. Turns out... IT'S WAY MORE THAN A MIRROR. Which you can see in the picture right below here. You so won't believe it.

Isn't this outrageous? It's like the best present EVER. The entire deal is like a God send considering NOW I finally no longer have to keep my everyday/night jewelry in 15 different places. IT'S ALL RIGHT SMACK THERE by merely opening the mirror! So ingenious if you ask me. Better yet... so CONVENIENT. It's like killing three birds with one stone, actually. 1.) You get your full length mirror. 2.) You have most of your jewels in one place and 3.) You have a smaller mirror inside so you can actually see what the jewels will look like on you before you make your final decision. Oh man... this is so up my alley.

I hung this bit on the wall in like two seconds flat earlier this morning and then told Claudia to high tail over here to check it out. Major success. In fact, we met Barbara for lunch afterwards and she too high tailed over here only to wind up buying one herSELF once she got home. I am just so in love this that it's unbelievable.

As you can see I have plenty of jewelry from which to choose each day. And... I do wear each and every piece. Even the pieces I totally forgot I even HAD til I placed everything inside this fantastic invention. I think my alltime favorite area of this elongated jewelry box is the area that holds about 60 rings. How did they KNOW I needed so much space for all of them? Plus, it holds 50 pairs of earrings. And... many of my necklaces, watches, bracelets, etc. How much do I love THAT?

Oh yeah... according to the experts... there is yet another benefit. Supposedly the thieves who come to rob me aren't going to realize my jewels are even hidden in this mirror! But trust me... I am SO not counting on that. For if they DO realize it... boom. I'm totally screwed. MAN WOULD THEY EVER STRIKE GOLD. Literally, I might add. But whatever. I'll just keep my fingers crossed that my home security system will keep undesirables out of my house altogether.

In the meantime I highly recommend that all you ladies out there go and order this immediately. The frame color comes in several choices although I do have to say according to the Linda School of Interior Design... MY color choice is by far the best. And now that I think of it... there is one feature that was never mentioned, which is probably the best one yet. Once you get all your jewels all lined up in this mirror... you can't HELP but realize:

OMG. The last thing I'll ever need ever again is... TO BUY MORE JEWELRY! Well, unless of course the piece is just so fantastic you simply can't live without it. 

31 ON 31

Could you just eat this kid UP?? Trust me... I did. And plenty. He was just so delcious, you can't even imagine. I kissed him all day and all night since serioulsy... just LOOK at those cheeks. The softest you ever saw in your whole life. Oh man... I don't even know what to say. 

Other than later this week... on the 31st... my sweet little baby will turn 31. I totally love that. Although I must say he was far from little when he was born. He weighed almost ten pounds and back in those days that was SOMEthing. In fact... he wouldn't even fit for a natural delivery, thus I had to have a caesarian section to bring this child into the world. Which meant not only was I in a hospital for the first time in my entire life, but I had to have my very first surgery ever, too. Don't ask.

In the meantime, I had never really planned on having any children. I was pretty damn content with the idea of being a selfish bitch for the rest of my life thereby not having to deal with the trials and tribulations of raising a kid. Let alone the cost it would entail. Come to find out however... lo and behold 1.) I apparently had no clue how to use a diaphragm and 2.) this child is surely one of my alltime favorite people in the whole wide world.

I've raved about him plenty in the past, so doing so again is basically a re-peat. In fact, I just got off the phone with him because we've been having this running conversation whereby he keeps telling me how I have nothing to worry about financially as I age, given he will certainly be there to contribute to my monetary needs when I grow old and feeble. Which is why it suddenly occurred to me WHOA NELLIE. He has absolutely NO CLUE WHATSOEVER how much it would cost a month for my being eventually housed and cared for in a beautiful living facility of sorts.

Thus I had to ask him just what he thought such a cost WOULD be. Wanna know his answer?? Uh... he figures about $5000 per year. MY POINT EXACTLY.

His reality of such costs are WAY outta sync with the real world. Which kinda means: Man, am I ever screwed, but good. I also had to remind him his eventual wife will one day say: ARE YOU KIDDING?? THERE IS NO WAY WE'RE ANTE-ING UP THAT KIND OF MONEY TO CARE FOR YOUR MOTHER! He of course claims this lady of the future would never adopt such a position in the first place but again... he has no clue whatsoever what stance daughter in laws can take when it comes to money. For mother in laws, no less.

In the meantime, 31 years ago I was WAY pregnant. In fact, I'm just now getting to the point where I'm thinking maybe I never WILL rid myself of the baby weight I gained, afterall. Which was a LOT I might add. So not only should I thank my kid for making me have to have surgery but also for the ever popular, ever memorialized stretch marks. Oh man... don't even get me started.

I will say that while my son sorta liked to rule the roost from the get go, thus causing me to stand my ground 24/7, he is indeed one hell of a kid. I totally love hanging out with him although I did offer to fly down to be at his birthday dinner with all his friends only to basically be told: Thanks but no thanks. On the other hand... don't believe everything he says. He really DOES love me dearly and finds me absolutely fantastic company. No wonder. He totally has me wrapped right smack around his finger. Besides he really WOULD love having me at his birthday dinner; he just doesn't know it yet.

The funny thing is that I was thinking the other day: when I kick the bucket I think I want my son to read a couple of my favorite entries from this blog so that all the mourners could have good chuckle before I'm lowered into the ground for ever and ever. In contention for the top five entries under consideration would have to be the $698k  white coat story. Another other one would have to be about the day he was flying here and wound up sleeping right smack through the departure time. Geez. What an idiot. As far as my BEST time with kid? Hmm... who could pick just one?

But I do absolutely adore when he speaks with a major lisp and pretends he's teaching a class in ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE. You could die laughing from listening to him. His sense of humor can be matched by no one. Well, except mine, of course, but who's counting. I also love that he remembers to call me each and every Tuesday and together, we can go over the week's run down from the Howard Stern show. I always mimic the way Howard's mother speaks and then of course, my son has to correct me on how she REALLY sounds. All I know is that yes, he can drive me absolutely crazy, but he can also make me laugh over and over and over again.

And with that... Happy Birthday to my wonderful kid. And... happy Birth Day to me given I'm the one who actually gave birth to him. Forget about how lucky I am to have him as my son. How lucky is HE to have me as his mother? Yeah. That's the ticket.

BENJAMIN

So all I can say about Benjamin is that he was born pretty much perfect. And pretty much stayed that way, too. Well, sorta. Benjamin... who everyone but me calls Ben... is Claudia's son, hence my nephew. He is four years older than MY kid, who btw, is also fantastic, but not nearly as perfect. Seriously... anything you wanted in terms of total stress free parenting, bingo. Benjamin's your kid. Even better... Benjamin always had me somewhere on his A List which only goes to show exactly how astute he is.  

Growing up, he did whatever he was asked and completely did so as I said, without causing a moment of stress and with a huge amount of success. My son, on the other hand, entered the world on day one wanting us to immediately clear the decks so he could remake every rule possible for every person possible. To this day, I'm still trying to set him straight. But whatever. Regardless... these two boys grew up as close as brothers and even today, they love each others' company tremendously.

In the meantime, Benjamin, was indeed the perfect kid. As we speak, Benjamin lives Australia with the love of his life and their two kiddies. When first he got there, he had a couple of jobs, several businesses, and then bingo. A few years ago he decided: F this. I'm going back to school to get my teaching degree and then boom. I'm going to teach. Which indeed he's now doing. 

And what fantastic job does he land lickety split? A wonderful position in a high school in Queensland where almost immediately he was asked to please teach the Baccalaureate Programs in English and/or Literature and btw... in Economics, too. I think, anyway. Can you believe it?? Well, I can. Man... talk about living under a lucky star in the world of  professional assignments. AND... what a surprise... his students are absolutely nuts about him.  

Anyway, Benjamin had originally wanted to be a writer. He even wrote a pretty good manuscript if I remember correctly. Which I guess is why teaching English is a perfect marriage for him. Which brings me to why I'm writing this entry in the first place.

I was thinking earlier today... Hey. If his students are busy reading, dissecting and discussing fine, high brow literature then why in the world shouldn't they also be reading my blog as WELL??? Seriously. I decided his class would not only get to learn something great about their instructor, but way more important: something about their instructor's aunt. As in: MAKE ME WORLD FAMOUS, PLEASE.

Yeah. Yeah. I know. I break every language rule in the book. They'll surely correct my bizarre grasp of how I choose to totally do away with proper sentence structure, correct grammar usage and naturally acceptable punctuation, capitalization and spelling rules. Which of course already makes me rethink from where my kid could have gotten the idea in the first place of making up his OWN set of rules on how everyone on the planet should live. But whatever.

More important however.... how great would it be to debunk the notion that 65 year olds are way over the hill, by having them adopt this blog as required reading? Can you imagine?? Besides... they should only KNOW that I went to college during our rock n roll revolution, our sexual revolution, our civil rights revolution, our drug revolution and God only knows what other revolution. Now THAT was a time to graduate high school, alright. Going braless was in. Waiting until marriage was out.

Which brings me to the bottom line: I think I should tell Benjamin to make me Required Reading. Indeed, I'll have to explain that YES, I KNOW I have zillions of corrections to be made in my blog entries, but those can wait til some fantastic editor and/or publisher comes along and wants to pay me huge sums of money. Until then... I'm way too lazy to go back and fill in missing words, etc. for nothing. 

Not that Benjamin will give a sh^t about making me required reading, mind you. But since when is that important? In fact, he'll be none too pleased I even wrote about him to begin with. He likes keeping way below the radar screen. Way like his Mother. Way unlike his Aunt.

In any case... get this... I'm thinking that AFTER the school year is completed, just before the last day of class, and after the students have kept up with my blog, etc. I'll then get right smack onto Skype and then FINALLY... in real time, let the students actually talk to me! After having read all my entries... trust me... they'll have a fine understanding of EXACTLY who and what I'm all about. I'll call it: YIPPEE. THE WOMAN HAS A VOICE.

Hmmm. Now... how can I bribe Benjamin to totally make me famous world wide? Therein lies the challenge. Better yet... how can I bribe him to have me TEACH at his school?? Kinda like making me a guest professor or something. Afterall... EVERYone at Benjamin's school adores him. So why wouldn't they adore his Aunt as well??

ESTATE???

"Hi Linda!!!!!
We had sooooooooooo much fun at dinner and thank you for a lovely evening!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Not only was the food wonderful, the company was delightful!  Your home and grounds are gorgeous!  Your gifts to us all were a wonderful idea plus looked great on your absolutely beautiful table! Well, I could go on and on!  Thanks so much for great fun!  And any time you'd like to get together, I would LOVE it!!  You are a very neat person who is adorable in all ways, and I super enjoy your company!  Linda, we love ya!! Sharon and Jerry"

Now THAT'S a thank you note if ever I saw one. And it's copied here exactly as it came to me, word for word. Can you believe how sweet it is?? I'm telling you... I was smiling from ear to ear. Well, in between the laughter. Exactly what line do you think I read and immediately broke out laughing?? In fact, when I spoke to Claudia I asked her the very same question. She got it in a heartbeat.

MY GROUNDS?? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I LIVE ON AN ESTATE? LIKE THE BILTMORE HOUSE OR SOMETHING?? I should only BE so lucky, trust me. Man... I was simply tickled as hell when I read that line. Not that every OTHER line wasn't true, mind you. But seriously... if anyone thinks I have "grounds" they so need to think twice. 

On the other hand, I'm assuming the grounds reference must be about the trees I have in my backyard. Trees that I planted almost as soon as I signed the deed to my house. Why the rush to plant 41 trees all up and down the perimeter of the backyard? Because the houses behind me WERE AN UTTER NIGHTMARE TO LOOK AT. Seriously.

Nevermind the privacy they would afford me, which was surely important. But WAY more important was blocking the absolutely hideous houses staring right smack into my eyesight every time I was on my deck. I mean seriously... what COULD those people be thinking? I had to block out the view of about four houses IMMEDIATELY. 

Which Anthony, the Anti Semite, did for me. Oh yeah... I had to name him that since he was by far the biggest asshole I've ever met. I curse him and his nursery to this very day but that's another story altogether. Anyway, even the color of the house paints were disgusting to look at in addition to how unattractive their house and/or decks were.

In the meantime, you should SEE how these trees have grown. In fact, here... you can. Here are a couple of shots of the trees when they were first planted. Mind you: the picture only shows but a few of them compared to the 41 in total. But you'll get the idea. So check this out:

and                                 

Which btw, is a perfect example of why you should take pictures of everything in your entire life. What a great comparison I now have of the before/after deal. Speaking of which... you ready for this?? NOW get a load of what my trees... uh... I mean my grounds... look like TODAY. Man... some major difference, dont you think??

and

Geez. No wonder I'm in my timber glory. I am so telling you... buying these trees were the alltime best purchase I ever made. Well, after buying the house, that is. You can go naked for God sakes and NO one will even know the difference. Which believe me... I have. Well, panties anyway. TALK ABOUT PRIVACY. It's simply incredible how these trees have grown.

And just wait til later this Spring, when my hydrangeas, et al. bloom in my FRONT lawn. Whoa... totally beautiful colors. I can't wait for Sharon to see THAT part of my... um... uh... fake estate. 

DINNER FOR SIX

So that is the title of a new fun program that was implemented by an organization to which I belong. The purpose is for everyone to kinda move out of their humdrum comfort zone in terms of hanging with people they know really well, and instead, try hooking up with people they DON'T know really all that well. Broaden your social base in other words. It's a totally great idea if you ask me.

So what you do is put your name into the box for lack of a better word, and via the chairman of this program, lo and behold... groups of six people, usually couples, are drawn and bingo. You have a group of six. Everyone in that group then hosts a dinner, brunch, whatever, in the hopes of possibly learning more about each other and hence, make new friends. Again... a totally great idea if you ask me.

So the first couple of the group I'm in had a beautiful dinner in the month of February thus naturally, the theme of the evening was Valentine's Day. Absolutely beautiful tablescape. Absolutely delicious dinner. And absolutely wonderful company. You could tell immediately that the hostess put forth alot of effort and in the end it was a major hit.

Then came March. As in: MY TURN. Oh yeah... there I am in the picture up above as hostess of the evening. Wanna know why I'm smiling so happily, btw? Basically because the dinner got wonderful reviews but more importantly... because I am also sipping my almost finished fourth glass of champagne. Do I LOOK sorta tipsy? Well, probably I am. But talk about a fantastic way to enjoy a fantastic evening!

I happen to love champagne. Way more than a mere cocktail. Or a glass of wine. Even more than my beloved Diet Coke, too. So in honor of my dinner, I served champagne as our drink of choice. And, as you can see, I thoroughly enjoyed each and every glassful. Takes way little to amuse me. Anyway...

Everything about the evening was lovely. Especially since I decided to break the rules from the get go and make it Dinner for Eight by having invited an extra couple altogether. But whatever. No one cared. I started out with a beautiful table setting and ended with a parfait of three flavors of layered sherbets, drizzled with chocolate sauce and topped with sliced strawberries. In between were or'derves and then salad and then beef tenderloin and fillet of salmon as entrees. But my FAVORITE part was the party favors I had for each guest. Which btw, once I set them at each place setting, made my tablescape look even prettier.

Went down like this: While I had the menu planned a week ahead of time, I had no clue until almost the day before what I was going to do about party gifts for everyone. Then eureka. An idea struck me. Know all those spring flowers I had left over from the second run to the nursery last week? Guess what. I finally found a way to use the leftover plants!

I told Claudia to come over the day before the dinner, which she did... and which was pretty nice given she wasn't even going to BE at the dinner... and voilâ. The two of us began creating great  party favors in no time. We took six baby little blooming plants at a time, wrapped them in clear cellophane and simply tied the top of that with ribbon. Bingo. In no time flat, we had very pretty gifts for my guests to take home and plant right smack into their OWN garden. Talk about welcoming Spring, right?? You can sort of get an idea of how it looked in the picture of the partially set table below.

In the meantime, I definitely killed two birds with one stone in this deal. I got rid of alot of my leftover baby plants plus I had an instant party favor. Of course it took me three days to complete all the cleanup from the entire dinner, but time is one thing I have plenty of. Although now that I think of it... I still haven't emptied the second load of dishes from my dishwasher yet. In fact, I still haven't even opened all my hostess gifts either. Oops.

On the other hand, I did get two of THE most gushing thank you notes you ever saw, going on and on about what a great time everyone had. Who could ask for more. Besides... in April the wonderful southern belle from Louisiana who is up next will apparently be making shrimp and grits for dinner. Very southern, very delicious and very up my alley. Man, I love to eat.

WHITE TRASH

I have always claimed I have more trash in a week than any five families put together. From where it comes, I can't even tell you, but all I know is that compared to everyone else, I have more sh*t to throw out than anyone I've ever known. Which is why it was always such a problem for me when I moved here, since I could not beLIEVE the city picked up trash only ONCE A WEEK. What?? Is that a joke?? What ever happened to the TWICE a week pick up I always had when I lived in South Florida?? Seriously... I was in utter shock when I learned of my new pick up schedule in this little baby town in which I now live. 

Thus, I had to plan accordingly. As in: I had to actually ask the city for a garbage container twice the size of every one of my neighbors! THEY had little baby garbage cans. Me? I needed BIG. Which is what I finally got when I moved to my new house. Which is also why I love this picture below. As you can see, now EVERYONE has big normal sized garbage cans. Yippee. I'm apparently a trend setter, afterall.

In the meantime, I took this picture last Friday before the trash guys came around. And also before the recyclable guys, who come around about a half hour later. The green deal is for all the garbage and the blue is for all the recycling items. 

See those baby sized blue bins?? EVERYONE uses one per week. Once in a while MAYbe two. But ME?? OMG. YOU HAVE NO IDEA. The blue guy is no way NEAR the size I need. Considering I have... I swear to God... three times MORE recycling items than everyone else in the city. Which is exactly why every Thursday night I am outside piling HEAPS of my recyclables way high, one big blue plastic bag on top of another filled with my weekly crap, trying like hell to make it so they won't all topple over altogether. Man... it's a f'ing major challenge. It makes me feel like I'm building a domino house or something.

Which brings me to my doorbell. Last Friday my doorbell rang and after six years, who should it be but the recycling man. He basically said to me... "Uh... lady... how about we give you the SUPER sized recycling bin?? It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out YOU NEED ONE." To which I immediately and whole heartedly agreed. In fact I was THRILLED. Who even KNEW I had such a choice? Finally. I won't  have to fight with my recyclable bags any longer! HALLELUJAH!! It's about time I got the size I needed!

So now... you wanna see what MY recycling bin looks like compared to everyone else's? Trust me... it's embarrassing. But BOY do I need it. So far, it's only Tuesday and alREADY I have four huge blue bags filled with stuff that is to be recycled. Here... check out this shot.

Can you beLIEVE the difference?? Oh man... as I write, I can't even stop laughing. And while I should feel totally ashamed, I in fact am jumping for joy. THIS IS SOOOO MUCH EASIER NOW that I almost feel like this is the best present I've ever received. What the hell TOOK them so long, anyway? 

Of course my big challenge now, since I no longer have to build a domino house each week, is to figure out: why the hell doesn't EVERYone have as much crap as I do?? Do they not KNOW what is recyclable and what isn't?? Actually in my book, EVERYthing is recyclable. Well, except for food, that is. In my blue plastic bag, I put all paper products, all canned containers, all plastic containers, all glass containers, all metals, etc. etc. Oh btw... I do have to admit I never rinse out any of the containers, but whatever. They're lucky I do this in the first place. Let them sue me. 

Oh yeah... which they once almost did, too. In fact, the ONLY reason I began recycling to begin with was because I got a letter saying: "Uh...lady. Either begin recycling or guess what. We're charging you an extra $10 a month." So naturally, I called them and basically said: Wait. You're going to charge me $10 for having to make LESS pick ups for me? WTF is THAT all about??

Well apparently it's all about being Eco friendly I guess. Which is too bad since I DEFINITELY subscribe to George Carlin's theory on recycling. Have no clue what his theory is?? Then you have GOT to see this. It's a view I adopted YEARS ago. Naturally... while I was high.  GEORGE'S HILARIOUS THEORY

KEEP THOSE CARDS COMING

Are you kidding me?? This is a postcard I received a few weeks ago. Notice anything weird about it?? Well, other than the part where I smeared up my address all to hell. 

Uh... want to know who sent me this card?

Well, SO DO I!! What the hell is THIS all about anyway?? I get a postcard, addressed to me, stamped, mailed, postmarked and yet... absolutely NO MESSAGE WRITTEN ON IT WHATSOEVER. Forget about the niceties that could have been written to me.. what about WHO THE F SENT IT?? Can you even believe it??? Oh man.. talk about someone wanting me to fade into the background but good.

The front of the postcard had a lovely picture of beach, ocean, waves and sand. Obviously someone was on vacation. Or... they might even live there for all I know. On the other hand, I know of NO one who lives in St. Simons Georgia and I certainly can't tell you who has been visiting there recently. To say I was totally stymied when I grabbed this from my mailbox is an understatement. I can't rule out the fact either, that the person just might want me to walk into the ocean and simply drown myself altogether. Kinda like: A suggestion?? A death threat?? EEKS.

I do know this: The next time someone invites me to their beach house I'm SO going to think twice about accepting. No sense my going on vacation under false pretenses, if you catch my drift. In which case...

If you see no postings here for a few months, consider me gone. And then... please call the police. Since I'm pretty sure I won't be sending any postcards.  

ENGLISH GARDEN WANNABE

I swear to God... last Friday morning, the day before we were to set our clocks forward an hour, the birds automatically KNEW that Spring was here! I woke up totally stunned... all because I woke up to their totally BEAUTIFUL CHIRPING AND TWEETING SOUNDS after MONTHS of sheer silence. It was just so uncanny! How did THEY know it's time to get ready for Spring?? Man... talk about knowing your job description!

In the meantime, I LOVE waking up to the sound of birds and I get to do it all Spring and all Summer. Which I might point out was a YEAR ago already. Thus it's about TIME these birds came back if I say so myself.

As it happens I'm having about 8 to 10 people here for a fancy schmancy sit down dinner next week. It's supposed to be for six, but I changed the rules; that I'll have tell you about at some other time. For now however, all I know is that I love when I have dinner parties for it SO gets me up off my ass and gets me way into a major sprucing up mode. My house is normally pretty much okay in the clean department, but I had a LOT of work to do with my dreary winter leftovers on my outside deck. And especially the planters! What a job. I can't even believe it. By the time I finished with the finale to it all, whereby I hosed down all the dirt, the leaves, the furniture, etc. etc. I felt like I prepped the entire city for God sakes.

I not only had all my deck planters to fill, but also the two bigger ones sitting at my front door, as well. You'll see pictures of the finished product at the end of all this but let me just tell you... it took me three long days to complete everything. AND... while the temps were in the low 50s, all of a sudden, the day I go to begin this project, the BLUSTERY WINDS DECIDED TO KICK IN but good. Thus I was then working with temps in the mid 40s! You should have SEEN my gardening outfit. I looked pretty much like an Eskimo planting Spring flowers. A major visual oxymoron if ever there was. Oh yeah... on the first two days, there was also light rain falling. But whatever.

In the meantime, I decided that this year, I wanted to shake things up a bit, thus I wanted to add alot more variety of flowers so it would give the illusion kinda like that of an English garden. I find English gardens just sooo damn beautiful. In the end I just gotta say... I feel I sort of actually in fact, accomplished my mission pretty damn well. But you can judge for yourself further down. However... bear in mind that if you DON'T agree with me... then boom. You have no clue wtf you're talking about. Me? I decided I get to be the only judge whose opinion matters in this particular case but so be it.

Oh yeah... I guess I don't have to tell you that I was WAY bushed when I got into bed each night. This was no easy job if you ask me. Especially since I filled planters all OVER the place on the outside deck. I also have zillions of flowers left over that never even made it into the pots... which is crazy since I DID have to make a second run to the nursery since the first run wasn't enough. Duh. I missed my calculation balance completely I see. Anyway...

Here's my favorite part however: After I was back and forth from the plant store, to get all my favorite plants, I THEN decided I'm going to do the additional plants in each pot the major EASY way. As in: head over to Michael's, buy some faux fakes and then plant some of THOSE flowers right smack into the same pots, right along side nature's own. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT??

I created a friggin' masterpiece here! With only half the pieces, no less. WHAT A GENIUS I AM. And trust me... unless you put your nose smack dab into the pot, there is no way you'd ever know its not ALL real. Well, sorta. All I can tell you is: WHOA. I TOTALLY LOVE THIS FLORAL SCAM I'VE PERFECTED. I can't WAIT til my dinner guests arrive and then hear them oooh and ahhhh over my amazing green thumb! Seriously. That alone will set the mood for my fabulous menu.

Of course I'll never once MENtion the fake out bit. Why should I?? I'll be too busy receiving all kinds of compliments for my SUCH pretty Spring flowered potted plants! Instead... I'll smile very coyly just like a perfect lady and simply say WHY, THANK YOU. I'M SO GLAD YOU LOVE THEM. I DO, TOO.

And now... drum roll please... here are some shots from the Linda School of Final Floral Faux's. For your viewing pleasure of course. And remember... if you think they suck... then you leave me no choice but to... uh... reply with: OH YEAH? WELL YOU SUCK, TOO. I know. I'm strict with authentic reviews on my fake endeavors. In the meantime... YIPPEE... Spring is here!

BACK TO THE DRESS

So the other day I was talking about one of the most beautiful wedding gowns I had ever seen. One which I would have loved to have worn at my OWN wedding. In the meantime, I had mentioned the neckline etc. etc. on the gown and it got me to thinking: where WAS a picture of me at Claudia's wedding? I only ever remember seeing just one, which was in my Mother's bedroom. She and Dad had a beautiful pink marbled fireplace in their room and upon its mantle is where was where it sat.

So last night I began going through the pictures I had collected from their house and no where could I find this particular photo of me. Thus boom. I got on the phone with Claudia and asked: Where the hell IS that photo, anyway? And, for that matter, where is ANY shot of me at your wedding? Enter: her beloved wedding photo album. Which she brought over today and through which we happily perused.

As it happens Claudia had this very 70's artsy type photographer take her wedding pictures, and therefore all the photos were glued to hard, gold edged stiff pages which were then bound into a leather book type deal. Not the kind where you'd merely slide a photo into a sleeve, like mine was. Which meant... good luck trying to scan pictures from her album. Plus... the colors in her pictures were either very faded from age or the shots were not all that saturated with the original colors in the first place.

So that brought us to scanning our favorite shots and then playing with every imaging program that is on my computer. Yippee. We were able to bring SOME photos back to life, afterall. Well, Kinda. They STILL aren't the correct original coloring but it's the closest we could get. Case in point: I remember the print on my dress being WAY more bold and colorful. Here, it appears way too pastel looking if you ask me. And, I am SURE Claudia's stunning bouquet was my brighter in color depth. Plus, Bob's suit was a very elegant looking navy blue. But whatever.

In the meantime, up above you see two shots of my Matron of Honor dress. Which was kinda funny in the sense that had Claudia basically said to me way back then: GO OUT AND BUY ANY DRESS YOU WANT. Gee. Consider it done. Thanks! And... naturally, I did. When I saw this ready to wear dress somewhere I fell in love with it immediately. Actually, I fell in love with the NECKline immediately. Anyway, after I brought the dress home, boom. Those were the colors around which Claudia and the florist created her beautiful bouquet. 

What kills me btw, is how bland I find my MOTHER'S dress. Huh? She was a stunning woman with stunning clothing and even more stunning major pricey diamond jewelry. Jewelry which Dad had several times even taken her to New York so she'd be able to choose from simply exquisite pieces. Talk about a lucky woman, right?. But... I digress.

I then said to Claudia when we were going through the album: HEY. WHAT'S WITH MOM!! TALK ABOUT A BLAND DRESS! PLUS... WHY SUCH PUNY LOOKING JEWELRY??? WHAT THE F WAS SHE THINKING?? I just couldn't believe it! Mom was like me, actually... loved flash. Of course HER flash was understated and elegant. Mine is much more the in your face, glitzy as shit kind... but who's counting? In fact, Claudia and I both were astounded that she and Mom had on such measly looking jewels! Uh... apparently so did I, as well.  

Also... what gets Claudia is how she TOTALLY can't get over how very little makeup she's wearing! Her face looks almost like that of nun! WAY too down played in the makeup department. Afterall... her blue eyes ARE her claim to fame and she loves accentuating that with eye makeup. WHAT?? BARELY DETECTABLE MASCARA?? Not to mention some hint of blue shadow? What gives, anyway?? SO not like my sister. I'm thinking however, maybe the photos just are too old and have, as I said, faded too much over the years. But regardless... in the end... Claudia was a beaming bride and looked gorgeous that day. As of course, so did my neckline.

In the meantime, check me out in the picture below if you REALLY want to see what my dress and/or neckline looked like. Yeah... I know. Enough about Claudia already. Me? I was busy dancing my little heart out with my husband, having a fantastic evening in her honor. Oh yeah... in case anyone's interested... in these pictures, Claudia was 26, so I am 16 months older. And Bob was five years older than I. Man we were young way back then. Where HAVE the years gone?? I can't wait to one day upload a shot of Claudia and myself side by side while in an old folks home. A totally scary thought, actually.

In closing... Bob: Claudia and I miss you more than you can even imagine.

  

PASS THE HANDKERCHIEF, PLEASE

I love weddings. I love wedding gowns. And I particularly love watching the bride come down the aisle, sparkling in her moment of a lifetime. Oh man... what an emotional sight. Which course is when I ALways begin to tear up. Brides are just so beautiful, it simply takes my breath away. Regardless of how much you may or may not even like the bitch. In which case... if you do not... then don't even waste your time going in the first place.

But I must say that to me... it's absolutely THE one day when it IS, whether or not the bride and groom ever call it quits later on down the road, the happiest day in the bride's life. If she isn't totally BEAMing when she comes down the aisle, then she basically has no business whatsoever marrying the guy at all. That said... EVERY girl dreams of a wonderful husband, and a beautiful wedding and certainly... an absolutely knockout dress.

I'm not saying the wedding has to even be a fancy schmancy one either, although trust me... in my book... fancy and festive is WAY better. But whatever. No matter what the dress or the formality of the affair, every bride wants her wedding dress to be nothing short of a stunner on that day. It could be a simple suit or it could be a jaw dropper... doesn't matter. Major thought goes into the selection, regardless.

And to me??? See that wedding dress up there?? To me... AN ABSOLUTE JAW DROPPER. PERIOD. I find it sooo beautiful, I can't even stand it. The lines are just so classic. So styled. So alluring. So simple. So breathtaking. So feminine. So I WISHED IT WERE MY WEDDING DRESS! I came across it earlier online today and was floored. Can you blame me? Oh man... I so love this wedding gown. 

SIDE NOTE: As it happens btw, this is the exact neckline I wore as Matron of Honor in my sister's wedding who btw... to this day... claims I stole a bit of thunder by appearing "prettier than the bride" so to speak. Although, it's a total lie, since Claudia really was simply gorgeous on her wedding day. I even wore my hair kinda like this model, back in those days. On the other hand, I DID look outstanding but that doesn't even matter. Instead...

The designer of this dress up above is Jesus Perio and according to the Linda School of Bridal Design, he deserves the alltime best award of sheer distinction. Just LOOK at that softly ruffled neck!! More importantly, get a load of that amazing, glorious FABRIC! Not to mention the drape of the fabric. Or the neckline itself. My alltime FAVORITE neckline, in fact. Just so sexy yet so understated. In fact, shoulders are one feature that I find so very sexy, appealing and youthful, no matter what a woman's age. Unless of course you're a chubbette with fat, fleshy upper arms which then means you have to go for the straight across, off both shoulders look, instead. 

Then again... if the entire design of the rest of the dress totally sucks, then this and/or any neckline will blow the entire look altogether. Anyway, if you're into wedding gowns and want to to see others from Jesus... then please click on this link. They are to die for. Seriously... I could gaze at wedding gowns all day long, imagining a wonderful bride coming down the aisle with hopes of a love that lasts forever, smiling like there's no tomorrow at her nervous groom, and just radiating complete happiness on her special day. 

And, oh yeah. When I DO go to such weddings, where as I said, I always cry... I am not into bringing mere Kleenex in my purse, either. Instead, I am way more into bringing a lovely white handkerchief for those emotional tears. Afterall, NO ceremony is ever as beautiful as a wedding. Thus, by having a special handkerchief...in my own small way... boom. I am involved in tears of celebration, joy and delight. Well, until that is, I get to the reception where I then get to lay odds on whether or not the marriage will actually last.  

MY FAVORITE WORKBENCH

I can be pretty mainstream alot of the time. But then again, I can also think way outside the box at other times. Probably today falls into the latter category. Case in point: most people like to use their garage benches for all kinds of home improvement projects. Not me, however. MY favorite workbench?? ALWAYS somewhere inside the house.

I cut fabric on my dining room table. I do all my painting projects whether it be on furniture or canvas, in my family room. I like to assemble things while probably sitting atop my bed watching TV. And I usually do my electrical type work in my kitchen. Take this new project I'm working on, for example. You can see my set up there in the picture above. Also known as: my favorite workbench. 

The other day I bought these FANTASTIC over the railing planters that I'll use in a couple of weeks to plant my new Spring flowers for my outside deck. Up to now, I've always used floor pots and/or table top pots to house all the flowers. But THESE new planters are so amazing that I had to buy 8 of them to line all along my deck railings. Once the flowers begin to grow, it will be stunning, believe you me. Especially when they begin to grow over the side edges of planters. I totally can't wait. It's actually ingenious the way these deals have been built but that's another story altogether.

In the meantime, I decided the planters needed extra drainage holes thus enter: my cordless drill. Which I totally love, btw. As soon as it was all powered up, I started using it to create a couple of extra holes in the bottom of each planter. AND per usual, I did all the work... sitting down??... UPON MY BEAUTIFUL KITCHEN GRANITE COUNTER TOP! Uh... as opposed to where MOST people would be working which would be in their garage area. Most notably, a wooden work bench. I know, I know... I took a BIG risk here but seriously. Working in the house is always so much more convenient for me.

In any case, in projects such as this, I naturally have to consider the OOPS FACTOR; kinda like: BE MIGHTY DAMN CAREFUL LINDA NOT TO DRILL INTO THE GRANITE. Yikes. Can you even imagine?? So far however, I have to say I've always been pretty lucky since I really do try to plan so as to have the least amount of OOPS as possible. On the other hand, trust me... I've had plenty of times when I've had to fix screw ups whenever my pre-planning didn't quite work out as I had hoped. But I'm pretty brave overall, so as a whole, I'd have to say nothing major has ever occurred in about 40 years of doing iffy projects. Thank God for small favors, right?

In the meantime, I got all set up to begin the drilling and OMG... the drill doesn't even beGIN to make so much as a DENT into the planter material. No penetration whatsoEVER! So to speak. I mean like: NOTHING. WTF?? How can that possibly BE???? I was absolutely mystified. This drill bit should be FLYING right through. Turns out I was a total idiot and Alan was a total genius. Get this...

About a half hour after I began my drilling attempt it was time to head out to a fabulous lunch to which I had been invited. I knew Alan was going to be there, but this was the very time I had ever met him. There were a bunch of us there and we all had a lovely time chit chatting, eating, relaxing and laughing. Naturally at some point, I mentioned this crazy ass mystery of mine whereby I couldn't beLIEVE my drill bit wasn't going through the bottom of my planters. ALL OF A SUDDEN Alan said to me: I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT THE PROBLEM IS. You do I said?? I do he replied. And guess what?? HE DID!! I can not TELL you how thrilled I was at his sheer brilliance. And... within minutes of my getting home, I followed Alan's advice and HE WAS ABSOLUTELY RIGHT ON TARGET!!!

Wanna know how I was screwing up?? Take a guess. Okay... times up. Listen to this... I neglected to reverse the drill bit the last time I used it so that it was now screwing OUT instead of IN!! Whoa. WHAT A FREAKIN' IDIOT I AM! I'm telling you... Alan was way up my alley BEFORE he turned genius but NOW?? Oh Lordy, afterwards I'm like gaga over him. True, it wasn't necessarily rocket science, but still. Bottom line to all this???

YIPPEE. YIPPEE. I'VE NOW GOT ALL THE DRAINAGE HOLES ONE COULD POSSIBLY WANT in each of my terrific planters! Talk about taking so little to make me happy. I am in sheer heaven is all I can say. And... once the flowers are ready to live their new home?? Oh man... I'll so be in my glory. Oh yeah. And btw... my counter top? STILL IN ABSOLUTELY PERFECT CONDITION! Thus: Thank you God, Buddha, Allah, Yahweh, Adonai and anyone else up there looking down upon me for not letting me ruin my beautiful granite. Definitely keep it up. Amen.

THE POPE WEARS PRADA

I have admit right from the start I know basically nothing about Catholicism, Cardinals, and probably even the Pope. Well other than what I read or see on the news. However what I DO know is that I'm pretty impressed with what I just learned earlier this week. That being: THE POPE WEARS PRADA.

How fantastic is THAT? Seriously... those red leather shoes you see on him?? Boom. Hand made for him by Prada itself. In fact, I would kill to know how much he has to ante up for those shoes. Can you imagine?? I'm going with: easily $350.00. Probably $500.00 though. Plus... I can't help but think: add a huge amount of red sea beads or sequins to them and the Pope could EASILY rival Dorothy's ruby red slippers. Talk about a fashion war.

In the meantime I also have to admit I am wrestling with exactly what IS the hard core real reason the Pope is resigning? I mean it... Granted, he's old and not in the best of health maybe, but they're ALL old when they reach the end of their natural papacy. I even studied Benedict XVI really closely when he delivered his last speech yesterday and if you ask me... which of course no one has... he doesn't look all THAT incapable of continuing his duties. Besides, I thought it was sorta inherent that the Pope stick to being the leader of all Catholics until God actually takes him back into the heavenly Kingdom. But whatever. 

I still don't peg his health being all that much of a problem. Especially since he's got what? A zillion aides right smack by his side every minute of the day? What I DO peg the Pope for... I know, get ready for blasphemy here... is that: I truly believe his resignation is way more about the sexual abuse issues going on in the Catholic Church than any health reason. True, I may be reaching a bit here but I can't help it. I just find things so damn fishy. And... as for the sexual abuse deal... don't even get me started.

Basically, I am stunned there even IS a Catholic following at this point altogether. For years it has struck me as totally weird that my Catholic friends are so f'ing forgiving and/or naive about what the priests have been doing in terms of sexual abuse and/or pleasure. AND what really gets my goat is how the church is SO anti gay when in fact you don't have to be a rocket scientist to KNOW half of the leaders have been personally involved in SOME sort of homosexual activity themselves. Yeah, I know... I'll be sent straight to hell for such a conviction but too bad.  

Naturally I have no PROOF of these numbers but hell... the cover up goes way way deep if you ask me. It's not that I give a damn whether or not Catholic leaders may or not be gay but rather... don't then turn around and call your parishioners sinners should they too be gay. The height of hypocrisy if ever there was.

On the other hand, just for these reasons, I am not surprised in the LEAST that the Pope is heavy into red Prada. Got knows I AM. Actually I almost feel kinda badly he has to give up his shoes but not ALL that badly. Because indeed, the Pope will continue to wear Prada alright. Not red, mind you, but supposedly Prada nevertheless. Well that plus a pair of brown leather loafers given to him while he was in Mexico.

DID SHE OR DIDN'T SHE??

Now THAT'S the $64,000 question given I have no clue whether or not Amber actually got my pretty important fax about my medical insurance... and I'm so dying to know the answer. I'm going to have to wait until tomorrow I guess, but man... what an ordeal I went through to get it to her. Don't ask.

It went down like this: I spoke with Amber yesterday and she walked me through exactly how to fill out the information on my policy renewal which will be in effect for a mere month. I'm telling you... no wonder I love her so much. Anyway, when we got it all completed, I told Amber I'd fax the papers to her and bingo. We hung up the phone. Then today... I got home about four and figured I better get this fax sent out immediately. Which I began to do.

I dialed the number, pressed the start button and things seemed to work perfectly fine until boom. The other shared line on the phone began ringing (it was Claudia) and all of a sudden DEAD. The fax machine just plain died. Forever. Never to work again. No more continuation of the fax going through. No more phone line connection. No more display on the baby sized screen. NO MORE NOTHING. Even though I never even answered the other line when I saw Claudia calling! 

Which then meant... WTF HAPPENED??? Claudia broke my fax machine?? She now owes me one?? Which btw, I'll get to in a minute. All I do know is all of a sudden I now needed to get on my hands and knees, checking all sorts of connections trying like hell to get the fax machine to please come back to life. But forget it. Wasn't going to happen. Nothing was going to work. Apparently ever again. Granted, the machine IS about 8 years old I guess, but still. Before Claudia calls: the fax is going through perfectly fine. After Claudia calls: the fax is broken forever.  

Thus it took me all of fifteen minutes to decide this fax bit is a done deal. I now need to get a new one, like it or not. So... okay. I make peace with that and grabbed my purse and coat and $300 cash since I had no clue how much a new one would even cost and boom. I headed out the door to Staples. I walked in, asked for the Master of All Things Fax and began telling the master guy of my woes.

Apparently just as with light bulbs and everything else techie one minute it works and the next minute it doesn't. Kinda like: Sorry, lady... sh*t happens. So then of course we walked straight to the Facsimile Aisle. I described the kind I wanted: EASY to operate, not a big business machine type deal, and with as few features as possible to screw me up altogether. Enter: BROTHER PERSONAL PLAIN PAPER FAX MACHINE. I totally loved it. There it is up in the picture. And get this: it was HALF the size of my original one with a cost of only $69.00! Just absolutely perfect for all my needs. Oh yeah... I did cheap out however and declined the extended warranty for a measly $14.00 but whatever.

Before you could count 1-2-3 I was out the door, driving back home when who should call on my cell phone but Claudia. HI, HOW ARE YOU she says. PISSED I tell her. And then, I naturally go right smack into my story of her breaking my machine. And, how I think she should pay for my new one. Even recalling the conversation as we speak, makes me laugh right out loud. Kinda like she did when I told her to ante up. As I said earlier... my theory was: Hey... it worked fine before you called. It died immediately DURING your call. So YOU do the math.

Obviously she didn't buy into my theory, damnit, but I did tell her that tomorrow she has to high tail it over here so she can read the instructions about advanced settings out loud to me while I carry them out. It's like a two person process, I decided. THAT she agreed to do, thank God.

Okay. So I got home, set up the machine enough to fax the papers to Amber BUT one slight glitch. I never got a verification print out sheet when the task was completed. Which is why I now wonder: DID Amber get the fax or did she NOT?? Oh man... talk about my head being ready to explode! That's the bad news. The GOOD news however is:

When I went to pay for this whole deal I suddenly remembered: WAIT. I HAVE STAPLES GIFT CARDS IN MY WALLET!!! IT COST ME ALMOST NOTHING TO PAY FOR THIS NEW MACHINE!! YIPPEE!! On the other hand, don't tell that to Claudia. I'm still going to try to get her ante up. But yeah... I know, I know; she'll never fall for it. Afterall, she DOES have a brain. Damnit.