Wednesday, March 27, 2013

31 ON 31

Could you just eat this kid UP?? Trust me... I did. And plenty. He was just so delcious, you can't even imagine. I kissed him all day and all night since serioulsy... just LOOK at those cheeks. The softest you ever saw in your whole life. Oh man... I don't even know what to say. 

Other than later this week... on the 31st... my sweet little baby will turn 31. I totally love that. Although I must say he was far from little when he was born. He weighed almost ten pounds and back in those days that was SOMEthing. In fact... he wouldn't even fit for a natural delivery, thus I had to have a caesarian section to bring this child into the world. Which meant not only was I in a hospital for the first time in my entire life, but I had to have my very first surgery ever, too. Don't ask.

In the meantime, I had never really planned on having any children. I was pretty damn content with the idea of being a selfish bitch for the rest of my life thereby not having to deal with the trials and tribulations of raising a kid. Let alone the cost it would entail. Come to find out however... lo and behold 1.) I apparently had no clue how to use a diaphragm and 2.) this child is surely one of my alltime favorite people in the whole wide world.

I've raved about him plenty in the past, so doing so again is basically a re-peat. In fact, I just got off the phone with him because we've been having this running conversation whereby he keeps telling me how I have nothing to worry about financially as I age, given he will certainly be there to contribute to my monetary needs when I grow old and feeble. Which is why it suddenly occurred to me WHOA NELLIE. He has absolutely NO CLUE WHATSOEVER how much it would cost a month for my being eventually housed and cared for in a beautiful living facility of sorts.

Thus I had to ask him just what he thought such a cost WOULD be. Wanna know his answer?? Uh... he figures about $5000 per year. MY POINT EXACTLY.

His reality of such costs are WAY outta sync with the real world. Which kinda means: Man, am I ever screwed, but good. I also had to remind him his eventual wife will one day say: ARE YOU KIDDING?? THERE IS NO WAY WE'RE ANTE-ING UP THAT KIND OF MONEY TO CARE FOR YOUR MOTHER! He of course claims this lady of the future would never adopt such a position in the first place but again... he has no clue whatsoever what stance daughter in laws can take when it comes to money. For mother in laws, no less.

In the meantime, 31 years ago I was WAY pregnant. In fact, I'm just now getting to the point where I'm thinking maybe I never WILL rid myself of the baby weight I gained, afterall. Which was a LOT I might add. So not only should I thank my kid for making me have to have surgery but also for the ever popular, ever memorialized stretch marks. Oh man... don't even get me started.

I will say that while my son sorta liked to rule the roost from the get go, thus causing me to stand my ground 24/7, he is indeed one hell of a kid. I totally love hanging out with him although I did offer to fly down to be at his birthday dinner with all his friends only to basically be told: Thanks but no thanks. On the other hand... don't believe everything he says. He really DOES love me dearly and finds me absolutely fantastic company. No wonder. He totally has me wrapped right smack around his finger. Besides he really WOULD love having me at his birthday dinner; he just doesn't know it yet.

The funny thing is that I was thinking the other day: when I kick the bucket I think I want my son to read a couple of my favorite entries from this blog so that all the mourners could have good chuckle before I'm lowered into the ground for ever and ever. In contention for the top five entries under consideration would have to be the $698k  white coat story. Another other one would have to be about the day he was flying here and wound up sleeping right smack through the departure time. Geez. What an idiot. As far as my BEST time with kid? Hmm... who could pick just one?

But I do absolutely adore when he speaks with a major lisp and pretends he's teaching a class in ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE. You could die laughing from listening to him. His sense of humor can be matched by no one. Well, except mine, of course, but who's counting. I also love that he remembers to call me each and every Tuesday and together, we can go over the week's run down from the Howard Stern show. I always mimic the way Howard's mother speaks and then of course, my son has to correct me on how she REALLY sounds. All I know is that yes, he can drive me absolutely crazy, but he can also make me laugh over and over and over again.

And with that... Happy Birthday to my wonderful kid. And... happy Birth Day to me given I'm the one who actually gave birth to him. Forget about how lucky I am to have him as my son. How lucky is HE to have me as his mother? Yeah. That's the ticket.

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