It’s been a loooong time since I’ve taken an actual bath. When I was a young girl, yes… I took a bath every single night of my life. But somewhere along the line, I switched up to taking a shower every night, instead. I was maybe in junior high school when the change occurred? Who even remembers? And… who the hell even knows when I began wearing a bathrobe after a shower, altogether. Although I think I was pretty old before I stopped merely wrapping a towel around myself when stepping out of the shower. Besides, I always found bathrobes so bulky and heavy and cumbersome but whatever.
Then I turned about 55 and bingo. I couldn’t dare step out from a shower without first grabbing a robe to keep myself warm as the cold air from the bathroom hit me in face and body like an artic freeze. Ever since then, I wouldn’t DREAM of not having my bathrobe right smack there within reach, to put on before I even opened the shower door to exit. The cold air was totally not good after finishing a soothing, nice, hot shower. Besides… why frighten the hell out of anyone in the bathroom lest they be there should I step out nude. Trust me. It’s a scary sight, indeed. In the meantime…
15 years ago I found the bathrobe of my dreams. It was not only white and the perfect weight, but most importantly, it was a button down! I would NEVER use a robe that merely ties around the waist. Nor would I ever use a robe that requires you to first step into it and then have to zip it up. I’m totally a button up kinda girl. And all these years later… the time had finally come to buy a new one.
Which is why it took more than 10 purchases to FINALLY find the right replacement for my 15 year old, beloved getup. I wanted my new robe to be by the same manufacturer. I wanted it to be absorbent but light weight. I wanted it to be button down. And, I wanted it to be somewhat pretty enough. White would have been perfect, but uh… no such luck. Anyway…
I began my search at my local bullshit department store. I say bullshit because I live in a little town thus the major dept. store here is basically just a notch or two up from let’s say: the Dollar General store. Well… okay. Maybe I’m exaggerating a bit, but still… not all THAT much. Anyway… I walked in, found a pretty pale blue in a 1X that would sort of work despite the fact that I really wanted an XL. I kind of figured, just how bad could the next up size be for a robe, anyway? Uh… turns out, apparently alot. In the meantime, I bought it, came home, tried it on and boom. The sizing was crazy! It totally fit like a 5X… if they even make such a size. Wait. I guess they do, especially for people the size of Lizzo. But I am NOT Lizzo, so this sizing was absolutely unacceptable. Bingo. I returned it. Meaning:
Okay. I then had to begin my online search to find just what I wanted. As I said: a robe made by the company I wanted, light colored, button down, short length, long sleeves, light weight and decent enough looking. YAY. I FOUND SEVERAL. And on several sites too, ranging from the actual company itself, to Ebay… and everything in between. The end of search was in totally within my sight. Except not so fast.
Oh, I got them delivered, alright. I got 10 in all. Why so many??? Because get this… once again, all were ordered in an XL but also once again… all but 3 were incorrectly sized! Jesus… I was getting robes every other f'ing day until they were coming out my ears! Talk about easy come, easy go. It was NUTS. I so need to march right smack on down to the parent company and ask: WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE, ANYWAY??? I need to order 10 robes before I can get 3 robes that actually fit according to size?? They’re out of their minds.
Okay. Good enough, I selected the three, which I’ve decided will absolutely last until I kick the bucket altogether and boom. I’ll never need a new robe ever again. Not even when I have to move to the Oldie Goldie Nursing Home. I’ll be the fucking bell of the ball while I’m there.
But until I move there… I’m not the kind of person who comes home, undresses and puts on a house dress or a robe. Granted, I take off my bra within seconds of walking in the door, but that’s about it. Which I guess is why my bathrobe can easily last me 15 years. Each night I brush my teeth. I take a shower. I slip into my robe afterwards. I dry my hair. I take off the robe. I put on my body lotion. I put on my nightgown. YIPPEE. I’M READY FOR BED.
Ready for the big reveal, btw?? FINALLY. 3 bathrobes for the rest of my life! I’ll never had to buy another one EVER. One is hanging on my shower door. Two are hanging in my closet for future years. Thank God I’m not going through THIS again. Best part?? THEY ALL FIT EXACTLY LIKE THEY SHOULD!
Thank GOD 2019 is over and done. Yes, in many ways it’s been a wonderful year for me personally, but still… several friends of mine passed away. Others had major health struggles. And naturally, I had to see fucking Trump 24/7 on every communication platform known to man.
So with that in mind, you can well imagine my eagerness to usher in the new year. I actually had a great celebration to welcome in 2020 but I must admit... for the first time in 60 years, I absolutely could NOT stay up to watch the ball drop in Times Square!! I was just soooo damn tired, thus I wound up recording it… although believe me. It is totally not the same as viewing it live. Man. What a loser I am. Anyway…
We had plans to see my alltime favorite… LITTLE WOMEN and then go grab dinner. Needless to say, I LOVED the movie, including my beloved Diet Coke and popcorn. But when it was time for dinner, we kinda decided to forgo the trendy restaurants, where we knew it would be busy, the food probably not up to par, and the service on the crappy side. Instead we decided on a bullshit restaurant… O’Charley’s which is decent enough for lunch, but for dinner, who knows. Well, it turns out the entire city knows. We pulled into the parking lot and the place was SLAMMED. Seriously. I was in shock. We then took one look at the hordes of people waiting for tables and boom. Hightailed it out there but FAST. Wanna know where we wound up?? Sitting down??
Omg. Can you even imagine?? Our NYE dinner was in the largest breakfast franchise known to man! Although I will tell you right off the bat… the chocolate milkshake and fries were EXCELLENT. Some crazy ass fancy meal, let me tell you. On the other hand…
I wasn’t all that shook up because the next day, New Year’s Day, I was going to a fantastic buffet brunch at a local hotel/restaurant so I knew my thirst for fine dining was sure to be satisfied. And, indeed it was. But THE best part of the meal was when I was leaving the table. You will never believe this.
So it turns out all of us were having a wonderful, happy time, eating and talking about a zillion of things. And, while we certainly were not LOUD, the tables were close enough so that if you wanted to hear our discussion, I guess you certainly could. Apparently that’s what the couple next to us did. Especially the husband. Turns out he was listening to us with gusto, including our conversation about our hatred for Trump and McConnel. (hopefully there was even some talk of blow jobs during the meal, but I can’t even remember) If only. Anyway…
The man listening totally was not into a Democratic state of mind. How do I know this?? Listen up.
I was the last to actually leave the table when the meal was over. Everyone else was already in the lobby but I was still at the table, putting on my coat and grabbing my purse. Then, as I began to step away, the man, I mean geezer, says loudly to his wife…
I HOPE THEY GET REALLY HORRIBLE YEAST INFECTIONS!!!!
Do you fucking beLIEVE this??? I could do nothing but begin to laugh RIGHT OUT LOUD for I NEVER before heard ANYone ever come up with this kind of a curse on people!! EVER. Okay. So if you want to call us assholes, go ahead. You want to tell us to go fuck ourselves, sure. BUT TO WANT TO CURSE PEOPLE WITH YEAST INFECTIONS?? Are you kidding me??? I was floored and at the same time laughing so hard at him, I couldn’t believe it. I mean, really. Is he nuts?? Naturally… the wife immediately said: HAROLD STOP THAT! To which he replied…
I WONDER WHAT COLLEGE THEY WENT TO! To which I answered, as I turned around while walking away: HARVARD! And then I just kept on walking. When I reached my friends and relayed the story to them in between my laughter… THEY WERE STUNNED. I was still laughing so hard, I could hardly get the story out, but when I did, THEY WERE SIMPY AGHAST to say the least. I mean… who DOES that?? WHO??
Needless to say, I have retold this story a zillion times already and when I told it to my breakfast club yesterday of about 10 women, they too either laughed right smack out loud or showed the same shock my friends from brunch showed. Actually, they all did both. Can you believe this is how my first encounter of the New Year beGAN?? So typical for living in the Land of Linda. It all makes me chuckle up a storm everytime I think of it. I just can't get OVER this idiot! If ever there was a story I could retell over and over and over, this would surely be IT.
And with that… HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE. And of course, am crossing my fingers everyone I know and love is totally infection free this year!