Sunday, April 27, 2014


You can't imagine how many times a little girl might hear this happy suggestion up there in the title, when playing with another little girl. I had a Barbie at some point and of course I had little girlfriends. However I must also admit I myself rarely invited a friend to play Barbie since I never really got into the Barbie Doll craze all that much in the first place. Even when Ken came onto the scene, it was a non event for me.

In reality I never got all much into playing with dolls of ANY kind. Crayons and bike riding, yes. Hopscotch definitely. But Barbies? Man... I bet that held my attention for all of 15 minutes at a clip. I never collected lots of doll clothes either. I don't know what was wrong with me but I just never felt much like sitting on the floor, bouncing a doll all over the place pretending she was a princess off to the ball. Too bad I don't have my 1950's Barbie anymore btw, given I am pretty sure that mine would probably have brought in some mighty nice bucks nowadays.


Okay. So I wasn't a Barbie freak. But just take a look at the "other" Barbie up there in the picture... although I'm sure many of you have already seen it. It's kinda like an updated version to match the 21st century. Now THAT Barbie I can relate to! Hers is a figure that pretty much resembled what I looked like as an 8 year old. As round as I was tall. Although I can almost promise you my mother would have never bought such a doll for me since she'd never want to actually promote my life long battle of carrying an 20 extra pounds. Just what she needed. TWO chubbettes in the family.

But then again... for little girls today who are as chubby as I was? Man... they must be thrilled to have a Barbie lookalike such as this. Not that I'm even sure they're on the toy store shelves, but still. Besides... according to all the current statistics, Barbie's measurements are like impossible for any human woman to even begin to mimic. The chubby Barbie on the other hand... bingo. Many a little girl can identify.  

The funny thing is that while I spent SO much of my youth trying to have a "figure" it was when I turned 40 that I decided once and for all FUCK IT. I wasn't born with a hot body and I'm never going to have a hot body. Unless of course for the times when I would down amphetamines for 3 months straight. Which I did and whose fantastic effects lasted maybe just another 3 months. Thus.... I completely called it quits in the dieting department and haven't looked back since. Now I'm not saying I purposely TRIED to put on weight, but I simply decided that I'm not going to waste time and energy any longer in starving myself to have a look that wasn't me in the first place.

Also... don't get me wrong. I totally try to eat healthy... french fries being my down fall... but if I put on an extra 3 pounds I don't go crazy in working to take them right off within days. Eventually I get back to my normal weight and I'm happy as a lark once again. Seriously. Women my age who STILL count every single calorie that goes into their mouth are nuts if you ask me. In my mind... eating whatever the hell makes you happy is an absolute right of passage at this point. I DO try to exercise properly mind you, but again... if it means fanatical work outs, then forget it. I'll totally stay chubby.

Which brings me back to the two Barbies. The glamorous one and the realistic one. If you fall into the glamorous category then lucky you and you're probably a major bitch. If you're more like me though, and fall into the realistic one then yippee. Call me up and maybe I'll suggest "let's play Barbies". For trust me... I'll have plenty of goodies on the side table to keep us and our dolls perfectly happy. 


EVERY damn time I see this picture I laugh right out loud. I mean... really?? This speaks well for the store?? I can only imagine that you too, can spot the problem in a heartbeat... much like I did. Jesus. Talk about crazy.

So here's the deal. I had to go to Pier One a few weeks ago to pick up some large sized items. Which naturally meant I had to drive around to the back of the store to meet the salesperson at their delivery/pick up door. Which I did.

As SOON as I got there and had my car in position for the loading, I noticed a problem imMEDiately. You do see it, right??


Which is why as soon as I saw it and way before I rang the button there on the wall, I grabbed my camera and snapped this picture. That way I'd have no problem bitching to the home office should I encounter any trouble from the help, if you catch my drift. I was just so damn SHOCKED when I saw this. And... the bottle's EMPTY. Which of course I have imagine can only mean one thing: SOMEone in the store is plenty drunk. And I guess... SOMEone inside is making a major mess in sales for the day. Can you imagine??

When I rang the bell to have my items loaded in the car, I can't even remember whether or not I even told the salesperson about their slight problem sitting there against the wall. For which I'm pretty sorry about, for now THAT would have been one hell of a conversation, alright. Regardless... the fact that someone had even left such evidence way out in the open just makes me giggle like you can't imagine. And... makes me very uneasy. I'm what? Dealing with drunks while shopping?? Holy shit. On the other hand... NO WONDER all the sales help in Pier One are so very accommodating!

Which is totally true, btw. You've shopped in this store before? I've been there plenty over the years and I can honestly tell you... there is almost NOTHING the people there won't do to make you a happy customer. It's a total pleasure when shopping there. Of course now I know why. What I REALLY should have done is run right out to a liquor store and REPLACED the bottle with a brand new full one. Only to then see... how long it would take for it to become empty again! Just the thought of it makes me laugh.

In the meantime, all my items got loaded into the car perfectly fine so I have no reason whatsoever to complain. Nor do I have anyone I need to turn in to the higher ups. However... should I ever FIND the person who has taken to the bottle so openly, I will definitely make sure I get them to write up my sales ticket. I swear... in addition to their wishes to make my shopping such a happy experience, I bet they will also definitely give me the best pricing possible. Talk about win/win.

Friday, April 25, 2014


So I have a friend who decided to make the big move a few months ago... he opened his own flower shop! I was really psyched for him and for his Grand Opening he asked me to take pictures of all the festivities. And trust me... there were festivities, alright. Way better than I could have ever imagined.

I had not seen the shop until the day of the opening and when first I walked in I was totally blown away. I swear... I thought I was in Manhattan or something. The shop was SO STUNNING I couldn't believe it. I fell in love with it immediately. There is simply nothing like it here, in our little baby town in Western North Carolina.

First of all, the shop is decorated just so beautifully. Kinda like Paris meets elegant rustic mountain living. There are lots of home accessories but most of all, the flower selections are to die for. And as for my friend's floral arrangements?? Don't even ask. THE most stunning colors and varieties you've ever seen. Which naturally means the store's opening was a huge success. And... the pictures came out GREAT if I say so myself. Plus... the food?? OMG. I downed some of the most delicious foods ever that day. So up my alley. Oh yeah... there's a picture of me up above there, taken at the party. Nice flowers, right?? My friend brings a whole new meaning to: GORGEOUS. You should have SEEN what he created for Valentine's Day and Easter! In the meantime...

A couple of weeks after the opening, my friend then asked me to please do him a huge favor for a wedding he was doing two days later. The favor was easy as pie... to please sew the seams to six long table runners that he would then use on some black pillars at the event. I naturally said I'd be happy to help so I then quickly figured out the easiest way to tackle this and bingo. The job was done.

The whole time I was working on the runners, I kept thinking about how exciting it must be to be a part of such happy occasions since as you know... weddings are by far my favorite celebrations. Therefore, when I brought the finished items to him, I told my friend I'd be happy to help any time he needed an extra pair of hands. For seriously... what could be better than working amongst beautiful flowers for beautiful occasions. Boom. I've been helping out ever since.

The entire set up is PERFECT for me. I don't have to be there at any special time. I don't have switch up play time with my friends and most of all, I don't even have to miss my happy nap time if I don't want. I mean seriously... what could be better for me? So... for the past several weeks, I've been going into the flower shop for a few hours a day and have been learning just what great planning, projects, etc. goes into being a florist. A FANTASTIC florist I might add. I totally love when the customers come in and hear them rave about how absolutely magnificent the work is. And get this... I even swiped some credit cards for their purchases! Well... wait a minute. Let me rephrase: I've even helped to complete their credit card orders. Whew. Big difference. Anyway...

I've also been able to help out on some of the display preparations for the store even though granted... any 10 year old could definitely do what I did. It's not like anyone would EVER confuse my contributions with my friend's creations, but who's counting. I've also helped to edit the website which will be up and running by next week I believe.

The bottom line is: I'm actually having a great time lending a helping hand. It kills plenty of time for me in the afternoons and I'm getting a chance to see a master at work. Plus, I get to go help with setting up the arrangements for events although I do have say... Mother's Day weekend there is a huge affair coming up and uh... I may be out of town for it. I know... just when I may REALLY be needed, I bail. But so be it.

For now... all I can say is it's simply a totally wonderful way to help someone out and enjoy a part of my day as well. Plus... the Spring flowers now are just so stunning, it takes my breath away. The community here has embraced this new store so enthusiastically and for that, I'm so thrilled. Oh yeah... I Googled LILIES the other night. Have any clue how many varieties there are?? Oh man... don't even ask. I will ask this however:

How'd YOU like to receive an arrangement like THIS one?? Outstanding, right?? Didn't I tell you??

Thursday, April 24, 2014


My Mother used to be sooo fascinated with genes. It was always amazing to her that they could be so strong in people, from one generation to another. Case in point... supposedly I have my Father's nose. I was told ever since I was baby, that I looked just like my Dad but in particular, that I have his nose. And believe it or not... I almost have to say that my son ALso happens to sorta have my nose. Ergo: the nose genes apparently have indeed flowed from one generation to the next. What's also freaky is that my brother's daughter was always told that she looked exactly like my sister! It was nuts... at times people thought maybe Claudia and Laura were sisters. Which is good, for Claudia and I look absolutely nothing alike. But whatever.

In the meantime, I was at fancy party a few months ago and up above you can see a picture that was taken of me while there. Yes, I was having a fantastic time and in fact I was having SUCH a great time that I even decided to drink a glass or two of wine. Something I RAREly do. But what the hell... I figured it'd be fun to shake things up a bit. 

However... neither the party nor the wine nor the fun is what conjured up any party memories when first I saw this photo. What DID strike me more than anything ELSE was: OMG. MY HANDS LOOK EXACTLY LIKE MY MOTHER'S!! Honestly. It just totally blows my mind. I have legs like my Mother too, but in this picture it's the hands that startles me. I never ever before would have thought such a clone of Mom's hands would one day become mine.

My take is: age is probably what's responsible for this identical lookalike deal. For when I was young, my hands looked very much like that of a young, happy go lucky sort of woman. But now that my hands... fingers in particular... have begun to be those of an almost 66 year old woman, bingo. MOM ALL OVER AGAIN! It's crazy. And btw... up until the year before my Mother passed away, she had a manicure every week of her adult life. ME, TOO. But eventually, apparently even with manicures, both our skin began to age, both our knuckles began to look older and probably some arthritis even began to affect our bone structure in our fingers. I just think this is SO damn amazing. I would kill to still have my Mom around now so I could actually show her the freakish resemblance.

Besides, my Mom would probably be tickled pink that I got all dolled up for this party. For she too, loved getting all dressed up for happy times. And of course for flirting with hilarious men. Even though now that I think of it... Mom ALSO had a completely flat ass, JUST LIKE MINE. Damnit. Now there's a case alright where genetics did NOT work in my favor. Because in this instance, with the genes of "no ass" going on, who the hell can possibly look good in... uh... a pair of hot rockin', sexy jeans??? Oh man... in my next life I SO pray I have a tight, shapely, round looking ass! And of course, a tiny waist. Oh yeah. And a hard rock belly, too. 

Tuesday, April 22, 2014


How much do I love this sentiment?? Isn't the concept just PERFECT for me?? You can't imagine how thrilled I was when first I saw it. FINALLY. SOMEONE GETS IT. For trust me... if ever there a woman who would love living in an opulent palace with my knight in shining armor, let alone ruling some fantastic realm, it would so be me. DEAR GOD: IN MY NEXT LIFE PLEASE LET ME HAVE SEVERAL WONDERFUL LADIES IN WAITING WHOSE WISH IS BUT MY COMMAND. THANK YOU, GOD. AMEN.

On the other hand in THIS life, I can merely dream. I can also swoon. As in: swooning over the most adorable royal baby ever. I am telling you... I just can't WAIT til Prince George is a couple years older, walking and talking. Am I the only one btw, who thinks he looks exactly like Queen Elizabeth did as an infant? It's uncanny if you ask me. But... I digress.

Getting back to my dentist. The craziest thing was going on with what apparently were problems with my salivary gland a few weeks ago. I spent about a month with my dentist sending me to one doctor who sent me to another who ordered a CT SCAN only to be sent to a final doctor who told me my salivary gland seemed to be clogged and therefore created this disturbing baby bump in my neck. Happily the scan told us the node was benign thus began his pretty easy directions for helping it to subside somewhat in size.

It's still there, but that's probably because of the 5 directives the doctor told me to do, I decided to do only the 2 easiest ones. But who's counting. Oh wait... I did happily suck on the sugar free lemon drops he told me to get and I must say... they were the most DELICIOUS medicine I've ever been prescribed. Regardless, I do have to point out however that... I know, surprising... neither my dentist nor the neck surgeon mentioned the fact I absolutely deserve to be wearing a regal crown. Man. Talk about not knowing their patient, at ALL.

As it happens however, who needs them since I DO have several crowns, not counting the couple I probably have in my mouth. For instance, every year my sister in law buys me a crown pin. I also have a few home accessories with crowns on them. Plus I have a couple actual beautiful diamond like tiaras to wear on my head. That's the good news. 

The bad news is I can hardly think of one event to which I could ever actually wear any of them other than on Halloween, let's say. Unfortunately the English royal court has yet to issue me an invitation to any of their get togethers. Which is totally a shame since I've got my jewels already all lined up for such an event should the invite ever arrive. But whatever.

In the meantime, I so have to get this picture up above framed and hung in my house sometime soon. It makes me smile every damn time I look at it. Of course I'll have to redo the colors in it since purple and pink are not quite what I'm going for in the home decor department. Plus I'm not 12 years old anymore. And even then, purple was never ever a color with which I bonded too well. I DID bond with the queen concept right smack off the bat... just not with her regal purple.

So the bottom line to all this?? Whomever came with these fine words of wisdom, I do have to say a major thank you! The idea that someone totally gets how I surely deserve a crown is SO spot on. Uh... not to be confused with the ones my dentist already put on my teeth many years ago. 

Saturday, April 19, 2014


Okay... so yeah, I know. I look pretty crappy here in my bullshit nightgown with no bra, but that's not what we're going to focus on at the moment. Instead, we're going zero in on the necklace. The necklace that gives my son peace of mind that maybe I won't be found dead, lying on the floor somewhere in my house for hours and hours.

Hopefully, I'll be lying on the floor for only mere moments since THIS necklace is my survival technique of sorts. Actually it's the little black button in the middle of it that may save my life. 

It all started about six months ago maybe when my kid was home for the weekend. We decided maybe it would be a good idea to get one of those alert devices so as to hopefully cut my death chances in half. Also, so I won't be one of those people who've fallen and then can never get up. That's where this cheapo looking piece of jewelry comes in.

It's really kinda cool, actually. Well, since I switched up the alert WATCH to the alert NECKLACE, that is. Anyway... first we searched the web to try to figure out which company would offer the best service for the best cost. It was pretty easy to narrow it down and boom. Next thing you know, about an hour later the monitor and necklace were in the mail and on it's way to me. Of course I waited a few months til the next time my kid was home before we actually set it all up and then tested the deal. But sure enough... it worked. Yippee. Maybe I won't die afterall. So basically here's how it works...

I can be in any room of the house, have a medical emergency and then push the button in the middle of the necklace. Bingo. That's when monitor supposedly kicks in and calls the main station for me, who then calls me back to see if they can hear my voice. If so, then I tell the people what sort of emergency I may have. If they can't hear my voice however, then quick! they send help. Well... if they don't screw up, that is.

It' kinda like a no brainer and as far as I can tell, there is only one possible glitch. That being... my inability to actually hear like I used to. What I mean is: should I fall let's say somewhere in the family room then bingo. I can hear the person on the monitor perfectly fine. But the farther I get from the monitor the less I can hear, which means when the person is yelling to me LINDA. LINDA. ARE YOU DEAD??... I may or may not be, depending if I'm like in my bathroom with my Kindle blaring. In this scenario... my earballs definitely have to struggle to hear whoever is on the phone. Which means I could be kicking the bucket altogether. OR it means: I just can't hear over the Kindle, TV or whatever.

But luckily I still won't die. Why?? Because if they get no response from me since I may not hear what the fuck they're saying... GOOD NEWS. They'll send out an ambulance lickety split! It's kinda like a win-win situation.

Naturally you're supposed to test the system periodically but so far I never have. Maybe to test the battery or something. But testing aside... I do wear this charmless necklace almost every night when I go to sleep. Of course you're supposed to wear it ALL THE TIME when you're home alone, but I just figured my impending death will most likely happen after I take my nightly shower. Besides... talk about unattractive jewelry. Who the hell wants to wear THAT so damn often. 

As opposed to the other little necklace you also see in the pict. That necklace is one I never take off and wear everyday of my life, under my clothing. It's basically what they call a "gratitude necklace" and it's two symbols are to supposedly remind me of how grateful I am for the life I have, given I am "in need of nothing". Which is pretty arguable now that I think of it, but still... I so love it. In the meantime, if the gratitude necklace doesn't kick in, then let's just hope the alert necklace will. Either way... I'm definitely covered. 

Well... except for one of the incredibly stunning necklaces I wear every day on the outside of my clothing. Case in point: as we speak, I'm wearing a beautiful 46" long necklace of huge grey pearls and baby black balls which I made few weeks ago. Looks amazing over by sparkly black sweater!

Monday, April 14, 2014


Just had to blog this title since I totally love the date and wanted to have something for posterity to remember it by. 4 is one of my two alltime favorite numbers and boom. Today's date has it all. My first favorite number, btw, is 2. Which only means... come 2/2/22,I had better high tail it over to my closest lottery dispenser. If only. On the other hand... I said 4 and 2 are my FAVORITE numbers. Not necessarily my LUCKY ones. Anyway... 

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I know. I haven't been doing alot of blogging lately and several of you have been getting on my case about it. I've been either so damn lazy or so damn busy. Take your pick. I will say this however... all in the Land of Linda has been mighty spiffy and for that, I am ever so grateful. As soon as I can, I shall be posting the entries that are still in the draft mode and bingo. I'll once again be sharing all the stupid little tidbits of my life.

Yippee. I remembered to call my accountant today to ask for an extension. Whew.