Saturday, April 19, 2014


Okay... so yeah, I know. I look pretty crappy here in my bullshit nightgown with no bra, but that's not what we're going to focus on at the moment. Instead, we're going zero in on the necklace. The necklace that gives my son peace of mind that maybe I won't be found dead, lying on the floor somewhere in my house for hours and hours.

Hopefully, I'll be lying on the floor for only mere moments since THIS necklace is my survival technique of sorts. Actually it's the little black button in the middle of it that may save my life. 

It all started about six months ago maybe when my kid was home for the weekend. We decided maybe it would be a good idea to get one of those alert devices so as to hopefully cut my death chances in half. Also, so I won't be one of those people who've fallen and then can never get up. That's where this cheapo looking piece of jewelry comes in.

It's really kinda cool, actually. Well, since I switched up the alert WATCH to the alert NECKLACE, that is. Anyway... first we searched the web to try to figure out which company would offer the best service for the best cost. It was pretty easy to narrow it down and boom. Next thing you know, about an hour later the monitor and necklace were in the mail and on it's way to me. Of course I waited a few months til the next time my kid was home before we actually set it all up and then tested the deal. But sure enough... it worked. Yippee. Maybe I won't die afterall. So basically here's how it works...

I can be in any room of the house, have a medical emergency and then push the button in the middle of the necklace. Bingo. That's when monitor supposedly kicks in and calls the main station for me, who then calls me back to see if they can hear my voice. If so, then I tell the people what sort of emergency I may have. If they can't hear my voice however, then quick! they send help. Well... if they don't screw up, that is.

It' kinda like a no brainer and as far as I can tell, there is only one possible glitch. That being... my inability to actually hear like I used to. What I mean is: should I fall let's say somewhere in the family room then bingo. I can hear the person on the monitor perfectly fine. But the farther I get from the monitor the less I can hear, which means when the person is yelling to me LINDA. LINDA. ARE YOU DEAD??... I may or may not be, depending if I'm like in my bathroom with my Kindle blaring. In this scenario... my earballs definitely have to struggle to hear whoever is on the phone. Which means I could be kicking the bucket altogether. OR it means: I just can't hear over the Kindle, TV or whatever.

But luckily I still won't die. Why?? Because if they get no response from me since I may not hear what the fuck they're saying... GOOD NEWS. They'll send out an ambulance lickety split! It's kinda like a win-win situation.

Naturally you're supposed to test the system periodically but so far I never have. Maybe to test the battery or something. But testing aside... I do wear this charmless necklace almost every night when I go to sleep. Of course you're supposed to wear it ALL THE TIME when you're home alone, but I just figured my impending death will most likely happen after I take my nightly shower. Besides... talk about unattractive jewelry. Who the hell wants to wear THAT so damn often. 

As opposed to the other little necklace you also see in the pict. That necklace is one I never take off and wear everyday of my life, under my clothing. It's basically what they call a "gratitude necklace" and it's two symbols are to supposedly remind me of how grateful I am for the life I have, given I am "in need of nothing". Which is pretty arguable now that I think of it, but still... I so love it. In the meantime, if the gratitude necklace doesn't kick in, then let's just hope the alert necklace will. Either way... I'm definitely covered. 

Well... except for one of the incredibly stunning necklaces I wear every day on the outside of my clothing. Case in point: as we speak, I'm wearing a beautiful 46" long necklace of huge grey pearls and baby black balls which I made few weeks ago. Looks amazing over by sparkly black sweater!

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