Sunday, August 31, 2014
EVERYBODY LOVES LINDA
It's totally true that many, many people DO love me... but I'm like a mere drop in the bucket. You wanna know who they REALLY really love?? They apparently love Raymond! Big time, too!
Including my Mother, btw. It was one of her favorite sitcoms and everytime I was with her while she was watching this show, I used to think: Jesus. Talk about way too much damn noise and commotion in this deal. Trust me... Raymond's entire household is none too quiet, in the least. Sorta like REAL home-lives where there are parents, three kids and especially, major busybody grandparents who just happen to live directly across the street! Don't ask.
In the meantime, I can't believe it for get this: I've yet again turned into my Mother! What the hell is happening to me, anyway??
I think it began with the fact I can no longer watch late night talk shows anymore given I am so old, I have no clue who is who. I also realized I could no longer watch even Stewart or Corbert since THEIR shows made me just too damn wired before bedtime. Which is why I had to then begin doing reruns of old sitcoms, most of which I now already know by heart. Which brings me to:
EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND. A sitcom which I began watching a few weeks ago. Which then happened to recently escalate since my back is giving me medical issues which btw, aren't over yet. Hence I was in bed a lot the past 10 days, let's say. The next thing I know, in no time at all, this Raymond show caught my eye and I must say... it was making me chuckle QUITE a bit. It became the perfect bullshit to watch while in bed for hour after hour. So...
Given I rarely watch regular broadcast TV, I decided to stock up by recording all the showings of this particular sitcom so I'd have plenty to view while resting my back. Plenty?? Let me rephrase. I mean HORDES. For within a couple of days of recording this TV show, I looked at my playlist today and WHOA. I NOW HAVE 41 NEW RAYMOND SHOWS YET TO WATCH! How the hell did I accumulate SO DAMN MANY IN SO SHORT A TIME?? It's beyond crazy.
And oh yeah. All I can think of is that the cast from this TV show is making ZILLIONS AND ZILLIONS OF DOLLARS, for I swear to God... I never SAW so many reruns being played in a weeks' time. I'm totally jealous of them too, btw. I wanna make that kind of money, damnit.
Anyway... thanks to these hordes of playbacks, I have now been able to laugh aplenty while being indoors this week. Yes, there is still crazy ass noise and shenanigans going on in the show, but overall I do have to say: I'm totally loving the story lines! Much like my Mother did. This show has been THE perfect company for me. I mean seriously... I'll bet I've watched a good 10 per day and by the next morning... boom. Another five has been recorded. Well, sorta.
I love the dynamics of Ray and his TV wife, Debra. I get a kick out of Ray's totally intrusive Mother who puts her two cents into EVERYthing. Plus... she SO makes it obvious that her favorite kid is Raymond, much to the chagrin of his older brother. I am not into the Father too much but no matter. I am SO getting a real laugh out of these shows is all I can say. I've become addicted in one short week!
Which reminds me: it's a good thing I have this Raymond diversion because I am sorry to say that in spite of my being a complete News and/or Political junkie, I don't think I can watch the nightly 6:30 evening news any longer. It's become THE MOST DEPRESSING SHOW ON TELEVISION, EVER. I mean it.
Have you SEEN the news in the past three years?? NOTHING but horrible disasters, horrible weather reports, horrible terrorism, horrible Congressman, horrible finances, horrible crimes, horrible EVERYthing. It's making me utterly sick to my stomach!! Christ. WTF is going ON in the world lately??
Man. Am I ever glad I'll be kicking the bucket in the next 10 years or whatever. I'll be checking out JUST in time, believe you me. Even in his new book coming out next month, all about New World Order, Henry Kissinger basically tells us we're doomed. As in: "The concept of order that has underpinned the modern era is in crisis." Are you kidding me? Just what I need to hear. NO WONDER my f-ing back is all stressed out. It's the fall of the Roman Empire all over again!
Which is why I'm glad I'll have the next decade to simply finish watching all the Raymond reruns. First... it'll take me that long to see all the episodes and second... at least I'll be laughing my sweet little ass off. To hell with the Huffington Post. To hell with the nightly news shows. To hell with political nonsense. I just don't think I have the stomach for ANY of it anymore.
Except: a slight glitch. Without any news organizations, how the hell am I going to find out what's the latest with Joan Rivers? Or with baby Prince George? Ooops. Maybe I need to rethink this, afterall.
Posted by Sheer Spark at 10:33 AM No comments:
Saturday, August 16, 2014
THE ROYAL BAKER
I have this theory which I've mentioned often.... why walk when I can ride? Or... why drive when I can fly? Or... why go up steps when I could use an elevator? Or basically... why do anything that would expend unnecessary energy when I could easily opt for a much lazier way to get the task done? Like when my kid was born and all these hippie-dip Mothers were pureeing their own baby food mixtures or juicing their own fruits and veggies for the kid. Me? I totally took the easy way out, figuring Gerber Baby Foods already had the entire deal all down pat. Who am I to compete with the pros??
Which is pretty much how I feel when it comes to baking. Man... baking is hard. It's way more a timed and measured science than regular cooking is, often including a huge amount of steps and ingredients which in turn then mandates your having to clean an entire kitchen when it's all over. MUCH better... to my way of thinking... is to head out to the closest upscale bakery in town and let THEM do the baking! They have the whole process DEFinitely down to a proven science and besides... their stuff is ALWAYS delicious! No muss. No fuss.
Except... a few weeks ago, when I saw something on Pinterest that totally knocked me out. It's up there in the picture... QUEEN ELIZABETH COOKIES!! Oh man... was I ever thrilled. Immediately I decided I'm going to have a whole bunch of women over, make it for a 3:00 Tea Party, serve Royal Cookies and dainty Tea Sandwiches and boom. A regal celebration!
Plus... you should SEE what these people on Pinterest do to the cookies. All KINDS of colored shiny, royal (no pun intended) frosting and decorations up the kazoo. It's amazing! These decorations too, piqued my interest but already I could see I've got a LONG way to go before I perfect THAT sort of little touch. Case in point... here's a picture of the OTHER cookie cutter I bought, but showing what OTHERS have done to spruce up the finished look.
In keeping with my theories of ease, I went to the store and naturally bought PRE-MADE cookie dough. Seriously... why the hell make a dough from scratch with all the ingredients AND letting it rise or whatever the hell you need to do first. Pre-made? I'm definitely their target audience. Oh yeah... I bought the Sugar Cookie dough and decided it would work perfectly.
Oh really?? Perfectly?? You SO have to be kidding me. What an f-ing idiot baker I am. A five year old could have done better!! Don't believe me?? Just you wait.
I rolled out the amount of dough that I thought each cookie would require (the cutter was huge) and bingo I put each Queen shaped dough onto the parchment paper, and then onto the cookie sheet. THAT part was fine. I figured I could fit six Queens per sheet. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? WANNA SEE HOW THEY TURNED OUT?? SITTING DOWN??
OMG. A royal DISASTER is how they turned out! What?? These DON'T look like the Queen?? Oh man. Don't even ask!
I can't TELL you how shocked I was to see how these cookies turned out! I had to burst out LAUGHing at the utter MESS of a shape these became! WTF HAPPENED? God only knows other than... were I teaching the five year old what shapes look like, I'd have had a GREAT LOOKING SQUARE GOING ON HERE. Sorta. Can you even believe this??? Where the hell is the QUEEN? Talk about a total melt down.
Of course the bullshit shape didn't keep me from tasting the huge cookies, but who cares. But seriously... I was STUNNED at the total flop my cookies turned out to be! Which then made me Google how to use store bought dough with cookie cutters. Apparently I should have put them in the refrigerator after they were on the cooking sheet so they could kinda get cool first or something. Yeah. I could do that next time, alright or...
I could just take the cookie cutter shapes and head right smack out to my favorite bakery and say: HERE. MAKE THESE SHAPES INTO SUGAR COOKIES PLEASE AND CHARGE ME WHATEVER THE HELL YOU'D LIKE. THANKS. Which is exactly what I think I am going to do, considering I'd still love to have a Tea Party.
Posted by Sheer Spark at 10:18 PM No comments:
Thursday, August 14, 2014
So this is what it's like to live in the big city. You don't have to worry about public transportation. You don't have to worry about hitching a ride with someone. You don't have to worry about car payments. Plus you don't even have to worry about parking. THAT'S what I call smart.
While in Miami I was noticing all over the place cars like the one in the picture up above. Some were in traffic and some were parked on the street. Naturally at first glance, I decided that these cars were THE most definite way to make sure you get killed while driving on I-95, but then my kid told me all about it's REAL purpose. You totally won't believe it.
Turns out.. these cars, called CAR2GO... are at the disposal of anyone who has a driver's license but no car with which to use it. So... instead of your having to actually buy a car, all you have to do is walk down plenty of streets in Miami, agree to a payment of 41 cents per mile via your cellphone I think, find yourself one of these parked cars and bingo. Transportation problem solved. You now have an actual car to use for getting yourself anywhere you damn well please! It's totally easy as pie. Plus... a fantastic idea.
AND... even better... no insurance is needed. No reservation is needed. No late fees are needed. No cash is needed and best of all... gas is included!! IT'S CRAZY. Who ever HEARD of such a thing?? What you DO need however, is to find a place where you see one of these cars parked on the street and boom. You hop right in it and drive it to wherever your little heart desires. Well... after you tell the company what your preferred method of payment will be, that is.
Once you get to the place you want... you have two options. Park it so it'll be there when you finish whatever you're doing or... find a designated CAR2G0 spot on the street and park it there so the NEXT person who wants a car in the area will have access it. WHOA. What a concept! Apparently LOTS of big cities have this going on and I'm so telling you... it's ingenious.
It's also... as I said before... a sure fire way to scare the shit out of you while on the Interstate, given the car is LITTLE. Of course I would never consider driving a vehicle like this in traffic unless I was merely going to around the block or... looking for a reliable way to commit hari kari. I myself drive a full sized luxury automobile and even then I'd still never do the Interstate. So given that this CAR2GO is way more along the lines of being in a bumper car at a carnival, I'd ALMOST feel safer riding a bike. But whatever. Apparently there are plenty of people willing to chance it, thus this car lending deal is pretty popular.
What is an even BETTER idea however is that you never again have to have find change for a parking meter in Miami! WHOA. TOTALLY EXCELLENT IDEA. All my kid ever does is hold his cell phone up to a meter, let it scan something and boom. You're all paid up. Talk about the way of the future! At first I gave up saving quarters for washing machines, then I gave up saving quarters for pay phones, and NOW I can give up saving quarters for parking! Well, in big cities, anyway.
Besides... I'll bet parking meters in major metropolis' probably now only take dollar bills in today's market. IF you even need to use cash for meters anymore. Man... I'm getting old.
Posted by Sheer Spark at 9:19 PM No comments:
Sunday, August 10, 2014
Fernando is a common enough name, granted. But what isn't so common at all, is Fernando BOTERO. That's him in the picture up above.
He's my alltime favorite artist and I just marvel at his HUGE, monumental, stunning creations. For 20 years I've had this particular framed print of his that you see below, hanging above my bedroom dresser and I love it everytime I look at it. Botero is known for larger than life shaped people. I'd say this is maybe 38"x 28". Doesn't matter though, for what's way more important is that...
Botero is a wildly world famous artist, having had shows in the most prestigious of art museums world over. At first glance you might think they are sculptures or paintings of really fat people. But you would be wrong. True, Botero's works are of major full bodied, exaggerated people (and animals) but when you look at the details of his paintings you notice how delicate these people are. Case in point: the red colored finger nail tips on his women. The detailed clothing of his men and children, etc. etc. The nudes are big, but shapely and evenly proportioned. Well kinda, anyway.
Botero's sculptures have traveled to every corner of the world, often times lining the main streets of a city. The Champs Elysees in Paris for instance, all over Medellin, Colombia (from where Fernando himself hails) Park Avenue in New York and even all along Michigan Avenue in Chicago, which is where I personally saw hordes of this astounding outdoor art. It was breath taking, is all I can say.
When he isn't exhibiting an entire collection let's say, Botero's art pieces are ALL OVER THE PLACE in famous museums, buildings or parks throughout the world. Anyway... why am I telling you all this?? BECAUSE YOU'LL NEVER BELIEVE THIS...
When in Miami recently, my son and I spent a couple of days in the downtown Art District and while we were moseying down one of it's streets, WHAT SHOULD WE F'ING SEE BUT AN ENTIRE EXHIBIT OF BOTERO'S STATUTES!!! We both freaked with utter delight!!
HOW THE HELL DID THEY KNOW I WAS IN TOWN AND WOULD LOVE SEEING THESE?? Not only were there about ten statutes all lined up outside one of the galleries, but INSIDE were hordes of smaller sculptures... all so exquisite and all so amazing. I can't even tell you how much I thought I had died and gone to heaven. THANK YOU GARY NADER GALLERY FOR THIS MOST BEAUTIFUL EXHIBIT EVER!!
This whole unexpected delight was totally a major highlight of my trip to the City Crapola. Such a delight in fact, that I am happy to show you some shots I took of some of the artwork I enjoyed that day. Most of the pictures can't possibly do justice to the works, nor can you appreciate the size of the pieces. Case in point: the red high heel is larger than I am!
Regardless... in spite of all the artwork I saw, I can only promise you at one thing. If ever you're walking down a street or in a museum and you happen upon a gigantic, beautiful sculpture made of bronze (I think) and you go WHOA. HOLY MOTHER F... bingo. You'll know in a heartbeat, you're viewing art by Fernando Botero. There's just nothing like him.
Oh yeah...hard as it is for me to believe... some of you may not recognize these two folks... so let me just say: Coco Chanel and Karl Lagerfeld, who took over as chief designer for Chanel in 1983. See Coco's logo on each of these? The paintings were BIG and beautiful.
Lastly... for those of you who, like me, can't get enough... click on this link and check out other Botero works: They're simply fantastic. YIPPEE. MORE BOTERO!
Posted by Sheer Spark at 5:54 PM No comments:
Thursday, August 7, 2014
I WENT. I CONQUERED. I LOVED IT.
Well. Well. Well. Ain't this a kick in the ass. My kid graduated! Post graduate degree, I might add. I am sooooo damn happy for him, I can't even tell you. I just spent a fantastic week with him and it was simply wonderful. Particularly the Pinning Ceremony where my son finally became CERTIFIED. Not certifiable, mind you. Certified. BIG DIFFERENCE. As in: a Certified Physician Assistant!
I can't believe it but once again, I ventured down to Miami in the thick of summer. I could go on and on all about THAT but who has the time? In the meantime, I had great fun being with my son and I felt great pride for his accomplishment. Naturally I felt equal happiness of course, for the fact he's finally on his own, financially. But... whatever.
Granted, I was ready to slit my wrists over the length of the ceremony given there were only 47 slots for this program, but once it was over it was time to celebrate. I hosted a dinner for 12 of us that night and I was thrilled. The next evening was a quieter dinner with just 4 people. Plus I got to see my kid with his sister and brother all together once again. It's been years since we've all hooked up in once place at the same time for a totally happy reason. Anyway...
I also spent a particularly couple of fantastic days with my son taking me to the amazingly built up Art District of Miami which I definitely have to blog about at another time. I got to see friends and family. I got to actually shop in Nordstroms. And yippee... I got to eat real bagels, lox and cream cheese, hot pastrami and superb dinners. The only thing I didn't get to down, was a hard core slice of cherry cheese cake but seriously. Who had the room?? In the meantime...
As soon as I arrived, my son and I went straight to the uniform store to pick up his monogramed white coat which by the way, reminds me. He chose ME to have the honor of putting the coat on him during the ceremony and you can only iMAGine the smile on my face. See the coat up above? See the C after the PA? Yay. It means: Physician Assistant Certified! Which in turn means: this coat is longer in length than his other white coat which has an S, signifying: Student. Basically only the officials can wear the longer coats.
I took a zillion pictures and one of these days I'll upload them to a web album. Oh yeah... one of the shots will be that of a hand made, hand decorated card made by one of the hotel agents, Katrine, who was tickled pink that I had returned for yet another visit. IT WAS SO GREAT walking into the room and finding this welcome treat on my bed!
I also took a zillion pictures of... get this!... an art exhibit that we just happened upon of my alltime favorite artist, Fernando Botero!! It was an unbelievable surprise for me which is a whole other blog altogether. Talk about timing is everything.
For now all I can say is the Physician Assistant program in no easy feat in the least. Only 50 candidates out of hundreds were selected to participate. Thus, I particularly loved all the shots that were up on the jumbo screen of the students during the entire two year program. Especially the ones of MY KID!
Oh yeah... I totally hated the shot of him working with a cadaver given I have always made him obey my law of NEVER viewing anyone who's already kicked the bucket. I did love however, seeing picts of his team winning the big national PA Conference jeopardy type bowl in Boston last March. A team trip which I'm happy to say, my son organized given he had been elected as the school representative to the American Academy of PAs.
In closing... I am SO happy I was able to share my child's success but I can SO tell you just as I told him: it'll be a LONG f'ing time before I ever see Miami again. Oh man... that city is now just way too intense for me. On the other hand... Thank you God for all the pride I felt for my son. Now... please let him pass the state exam and then help him find a JOB. Thank you God. Amen.
Posted by Sheer Spark at 10:04 PM No comments:
"I AM NOT A CROOK"
I assume everyone is familiar with this quote. At least I hope so for if not, then you've been living in a cave and it's time you came out. Or at least become educated. Anyway...
This quote was stated by Richard Nixon while in the throes of the Watergate hearings... which by the way I watched live, from gavel to gavel. It was by far the most riveting show I had ever seen in my life and I couldn't bear to miss a minute of it. For me... Bill and Monica were NOTHING compared to this. Besides... who doesn't love sex? In the meantime...
Apparently Nixon was WAY crooked when he uttered this sentence. And he was horribly anti-semitic. And he was bigoted. And he was most of all... A LIAR. Don't even ask. There is nothing in the world that I can think of to admire about this man in any way whatsoever. I felt this while he was President and I still feel so today. Now... all my feelings have been totally confirmed. How so you may ask???
Because last night, I was riveted once again as I watched an HBO special: NIXON ON NIXON. PLEASE DO NOT MISS THIS. We get to see Nixon talking in his own words during all his days' work, with all the tape transcriptions shown on screen. Basically: visual and audio.
Hopefully you already know that come to find out, Nixon had a hidden tape recorder in the Oval Office, thus lo and behold everything we ever needed to know about his shenanigans were saved for posterity. All the tapes have finally been released in total and man o man are THEY ever priceless. Let alone a fantastic way to document not only his crookedness but also his hatred.
Hatred for the Press, hatred for the Jews, hatred for the protesters of the Viet Nam war, hatred for all religions other than his own, hatred for almost every God damn thing possible. Plus, as I mentioned... he LIED. About everything, if you ask me. You should HEAR Nixon's slurs. It's so damn deplorable.
When I saw the footage of what was going on in North Viet Nam, I was stunned. Mainly because Nixon was totally more interested in his own political gain rather than interested in the fighting men who were carrying out his orders. It's heartbreaking... especially if you know anyone who actually fought in that war. He absolutely lied about the Peace Talks and it infuriates me to no end.
I love history and I love politics. But whoa. THIS documentary marries the two in the most insulting, frightening way possible. Thank God all the tapes have now been released for they show without a doubt how deserving Nixon was in being the first and only President to have resigned from office.
The only other President to even come close to how disturbing Nixon was, is naturally... George W. Bush. And believe me... were HE to have had tapes recording his each and every word, he too would be shown as reprehensible as I've always thought.
Bottom line: congratulations John Dean. F.Y. Dick Nixon. Sympathies Julie and Trisha.
Posted by Sheer Spark at 7:14 PM No comments:
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