IT'S ALMOST OVER!!

And no. I don't mean the women all over the world who I suspect just might be saying this to themselves right this very minute, for alas…  that is a different story altogether. Instead, I’m speaking about...

Thank God Almighty! 2020 is FINALLY coming to an end!

And not a minute too soon, if you ask me! Even if you are not the type to celebrate and paint the town red for New Year’s, you damn well should THIS year! Holy mackerel. If THIS year isn’t one for you to jump for joy at it’s end, then man. You have no celebratory blood running through your body at ALL.

Because I am so telling you. To see this year over is something that has ME dancing all over town. Of course it would nice IF I could go all over town, but obviously this pandemic is having me dance all over the house, instead. But it matters not. Just be sure you celebrate SOMEhow. Kind of like that picture above. See? I'm smiling already!

In fact… I just may need to have a WHOLE glass of champagne this year. I’m a major cheap date however because 4 sips and boom. I’m ready to take a snooze with a smile on my face. But not THIS year. Man. I just may have a toke AND a glass. Never say never. Remember: I’m from the generation of burning bras and making love not war. So… I basically need no lessons in partying hard. Throw in a Quaalude and God only KNOWS what sort of fantastic sex is on the agenda. Or… mushrooms, hashish, etc. I would NEVER have considered coke, btw. I mean seriously. How disgusting is it for a woman to have her face on the tabletop, snorting white powder up her nose. The visual of it just always grossed me out. Plus... it had to cost SOMEbody a boat load of money. In any case…

To have lived through this year AND the coronavirus has been sheer hell. Oh… not necessarily just because our President is amoral or I couldn’t dine in restaurants or could go nowhere without a mask or a whole slew of other reasons, but frankly…  my most hellish reason was actually due to my fear of being without toilet paper, paper towel and of course those 6 weeks whereby I could not buy Caffeine Free Diet Coke in a can.

Granted, I abided by all the health restrictions I was supposed to, as everyone under the age of 52 paraded all over town, while rest of the world was on a respirator. THOSE people cared less about millions of folks who were fighting for their fucking lives. Sadly, for those patients, THAT’S what I call things being OVER, alright. What a shame is all I can say. Literally, a crying shame. This was THE deadliest year in HISTORY! Which reminds me…

I needn’t mention how thrilling it will be to see the end of 2020 if for nothing else than…THE bigly-ist reason of them all… TO SEE HIM GO!! Omg. What a vile man and a wicked leader. Look up DANCING ON ONE’S GRAVE in a dictionary and boom. You’ll see his face plastered right smack on the page. With absolutely no explanation ever needed. HE’S DEAD AND  BURIED?? YIPPEE. BRING ON BRUCE AND THE E STREET BAND AND LET’S DO IT! TALK ABOUT TIME FOR DANCING IN THE DARK!

Another reason I’ll be celebrating the end of 2020 is the fact that soon enough… I’ll be able to actually celebrate IN PERSON once again! I mean Skype, Zoom and Facetime are nice enough but for family holidays? Major milestone birthdays? Graduations? Births? Weddings? Now THOSE should definitely be able to be done whereby you can actually hug and kiss rather than giving elbow bumps donning a mask. There are some folks I can’t WAIT to kiss and hold in person and you know what? As this year ends, I might even be able to do it in the next one! I mean seriously. I miss my kid like no tomorrow, for example. QUICK! GIVE ME MY VACCINE AND LET ME LIVE OUT THE REST OF MY LIFE IN THE PLEASURES OF HUMAN TOUCH ONCE AGAIN. Wow. Talk about joy. Anyway… I did get SOME gratification this year.

Granted, it was kind of a selfish indulgence on my part yet actually THAT is something I’ve totally perfected. Case in point: in the last month I upgraded three of my all time favorite items. Here… take a look at them, all in the correct order of adoration, I might add.

Yay Kindle Fire 10!

Yay Pixel 5!

Yay iPad!

In the meantime... how we even got to this place of ending a hellish year like this one is beyond examination or explanation. It will take years for authors to write about all the bullshit that went on in our government, from the highest elected official to the lowest. On every front, folks who COULD have saved our democracy… whether it be on health, security, children in cages, stimulus relief, racial injustice, decency, hunger, etc. etc… will not only have to explain why they DIDN’T save it, but also tell me what was in it for them to commit such an atrocity that they knew would take decades to repair and/or document. For in my mind… 2020… and the 4 years prior… was a time in history when America’s government lost it’s treasured soul.

Oh yeah. I now know who else will also be thrilled to see this year end… EVERYONE OF THOSE FUCKING CRIMINALS TRUMP JUST PARDONED!! Actually, I am still confused how Trump can pardon himself or his kids if they haven’t even been charged or convicted of anything. Well, yet anyway. And… the fact that Trump is about the pardon the kiddies, sort of tells me that he probably won’t resign whereby giving Pence the ability to do the pardoning for his children and himself. But… never say never.

Besides… I really don’t see it in Trump’s DNA to give up and just hand the reins over to that slimy, ass kissing Veep. MOTHER… UH… IS IT OKAY IF I HAVE LUNCH ALONE WITH A FEMALE GOVERNMENTAL OFFICIAL SO WE CAN WORK UP A GAME PLAN TO LET ME BE PRESIDENT FOR A WEEK? Jesus. What a hen pecked pussy HE is.

Okay. Okay. I get it. I’m ranting way too much and way too often. But I just can’t help it. It’s just that I can not TELL you how thrilled I am to soon be welcoming in 2021. And btw… I promise that should there be one more last post of the year… it will be chipper and hopeful to make up for all the bitching I’ve done recently. In any case… at least there was one good thing I guess I should consider.

Thank GOD I was able to have my hairdresser come to my house to give me haircuts despite our serious lockdown in spring. THAT was a huge deal for me. And actually… I was able to even weather the couple of months I had to forego my manicures and pedicures until the salons were opened once again. For remember: personal grooming is WAY high on my list of necessities. Now THAT is something I don’t EVER want to end.

Even when I’m in the Oldie Goldie Home, I want these services rendered to me. Even before I’m put in the pine box, too. Raise your hand if you’d like to volunteer to be sure that actually occurs. And thanks to anyone for offering to step up! I’ll be eternally grateful. Literally.

In the meantime, I totally have high hopes for 2021. Like being able to at long last GO TO A MOVIE THEATER ONCE AGAIN! Oh man. How I’ve missed that. And the popcorn, too. I also want to see plays again. And travel again…  although I just want the possiBILity to travel. Not necessarily go anywhere given I’m pretty much a lazy homebody. I want to dine inside a restaurant again, hopefully with an upscale buffet. I want to be able to entertain in my home without having to restrict the number of people I can invite. I want to be able to go to a grocery store without seeing empty shelves and/or price gouging.

I particularly have pretty high hopes for a normal Presidency in 2021, praying Republicans will allow Biden to govern with compassion, fairness and legality. Of course, that could be just a fantasy on my part, but I’m hoping for it nonetheless. I also have high hopes that we can once again SEE EACH OTHER’S FACES. I mean eyebrows and eyeballs are nice but who knows what the hell is beneath that mask, anyway?

All I can say is: Hallef’ingluyah 2020 is over! I wish you and everyone you love a most wonderful New Year… filled with laughter, good health and love. Most of all… be thankful for every happy thing that comes your way! 

Lastly... and maybe this is the most important thought of this entire post... my heart breaks for anyone who lost someone they loved due to Covid 19. It is a tragedy at best and an agony at worst. In spite of the heroic efforts of every health care worker, this pandemic has taken far too many loved ones and if you have suffered from such a loss... I pray you find peace in your heart... eventually being able to hold dear their memory without ache. 

May 2021 be a relief for us all.   

...𝅘𝅥𝅯 I CAN SEE CLEARLY NOW 𝅘𝅥𝅯...

♪ I can see all obstacles in my way ♪… literally! Man. I can’t TELL you what high hopes I have for my possible new eyesight. THANK GOD FOR SMALL FAVORS is all I can say.

Granted… it hasn’t occurred yet, but believe you me, I’m so looking forward to this! Talk about a crazy ass story. To begin with… I have been going to the same optometrist for almost 20 years. And I loved him. Plus… he loved having me as a patient for trust me… I was like none other he ever had.

For example, how many other refined women get into his examining chair and as soon as he turns off the lights to read the eye chart across the room, has to say:

WELL… I LOVE THE TOP LINE BEST BUT, SHIT. I HAVE NO CLUE WHAT THE FUCK ANY OF THOSE OTHER LETTERS SAY! THIS IS A JOKE, RIGHT?

Immediately the doctor would burst out laughing which was crazy, for I on the other hand, would sometimes totally be teary eyed. No wonder. Everyone ELSE can read the letters lickety split but because of some bizarre eye disease I have, I CAN’T.

And yes… I know. It may SOUND like I am not refined, but believe me, I am. Well, when I need to be, anyway. But when I can’t see what the rest of the world can, well then, my inner instincts come out in no time at all. Like when I have to say:

WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN THE WORST THAT COULD HAPPEN IS I CAN’T DRIVE AT NIGHT! OF COURSE I HAVE TO! WHAT IF I NEED TO MAKE AN EMERGENCY ICE CREAM RUN TO THE GROCERY STORE AT 9:00 AT NIGHT? EEKS.

At which point, yet again, this sweet innocent southern gentleman bursts out laughing. Oh yeah… he also liked to see me in the hallway and and say: UH OH. HERE COMES TROUBLE. But he always said it with love and a smile on his face. Seriously. I loved this doctor. In the meantime…

His partner bought him out and then boom. The partner turned around and sold his soul to a big corporation to now run the office under the umbrella of a horrible company, making the optometry practice blow up in the face of all the patients. It was awful and eventually my beloved doctor eased his way out altogether by simply retiring. Basically not only did my doctor leave, but so too, did half his patients. Talk about easy come, easy go.

Every six months I also see a retinal specialist, and if HE ever retires, I’ll shoot myself altogether for I love this doctor as much as I loved my optometrist. I even asked him on my last visit… NOW who do I see for my eyeglass prescriptions? Answer: anyone in town will do a great job. Which basically meant I had to sort of spin the globe and point my finger anywhere on it for it to stop and bingo. That would be my new optometrist. Anyway…

I didn’t wind up spinning a globe. Instead, I asked friends, I asked opticians, I even Googled doctors near me to suggest a new doctor and lo and behold… I found one whom no one seemed to have ever mentioned. But… I totally think I've struck gold! YAY EYEBALLS.

Thank God, given I forgot to mention… I’ve been on an ocular mission for months. A mission that has had my stomach in KNOTS for the last year, no less. The mission, you ask??

TO PASS MY NEXT EYE TEST IN MAY AT THE DEPT. OF MOTOR VEHICLES!

I mean it. The last time I renewed my driver’s license, I had to take an eye test. You look through this gizmo of sorts and then you’re supposed to read what I guess are road signs. Small glitch, however. The signs are about as big as half an ant. WHO THE HELL CAN SEE THESE SIGNS, ANYWAY?? Well… apparently all of YOU can, but not me. It’s nuts. I struggle, I guess, and then… I just wind up praying I pass. Which actually I did 8 years ago. NOW however?? Oh man. It’s going to be a MAJOR challenge come May. ENTER: NEW OPTOMETRIST.

I found a doctor I thought I would try and made an appointment. I knew nothing about her nor about her office. First person I see when I walk in however, is Deena… who used to work at my OLD optometrist’s office. Yippee. It was like a home coming! As I said before… both patients AND staff apparently left in droves. Anyway, I laid it right smack on the line for this new doctor immediately.

She walked into the examining room and I told her my story: the old doctor and his office became an organizational nightmare… had to leave… have an eye disease the name of which I can’t even pronounce… feels like sight is declining in distance… can’t even read the small print on my big TV screen… suspect a new prescription is needed for both regular AND computer glasses… can’t see the baby little signs at DMV eye test… and most importantly, totally have to see by May when renewal comes up for driver’s license! I also threw in our possible need to bribe the tester should things become iffy with him or her. They are my obvious life line to driving my car, thus life as I know it, could totally wind up resting solely on this one doofhead. DEAR GOD. PLEASE LET THESE TESTERS EITHER PASS ME OR AT THE VERY LEAST, ACCEPT MY BRIBE. AMEN.

Turns out however… drum roll… this new doctor is my new gem! Well… so far, anyway. She was so patient with me. She had all kinds of diagnostic machines I had never ever seen before. Like what you see in that pretty disgusting picture of me up above. I was so stunned at this machine that I just HAD to take a shot of it! I had NEVER had this sort of machine figure out exactly how to precisely measure a lens for me. I was totally impressed! I know. I must have been living in a cave all these years. And man, was she thorough! I felt like I was in eyeball doctor heaven! HALLEF’INGLUJAH!  

The BEST news however is… the doctor told me that according to my eye chart test results... I was totally going to pass my driver’s test!! YIPPEE. I CAN ACTUALLY KEEP ON DRIVING!! Famous last words of course, but regardless…  this means: THANK THE LORD! I can still run out for Diet Coke, Fritos or ice cream any time, day or night!! Whew. What music THAT was to my ears!

Of course that also means I have to probably read the pamphlet and actually KNOW the answers to questions on a written test, should I need to take it. Which is crazy altogether. How do I know what I’m supposed to do if my car begins to skid to the right because of ice on the road? Or what to do if an airplane lands right smack next to me while on a highway? Basically… in either case it won’t matter because I’ll be horrified, frantic and basically screaming my ass off, anyway. And I could almost bet THAT won’t be a multiple choice answer in the driving manual. In any case…

Yay. I have my new prescription, but I haven’t yet decided where to go for getting the new lenses made. I could have the optometrist’s office do the three pairs for me, but even with my own frames, I’m still looking at a MIGHTY hefty investment. Or… I could go to an optician and have them do my lenses but again… a pretty penny. OR… I could go to one of these big box stores my friends rave about and have THEM fill my prescription for a much much lower cost. Man. Talk about a dilemma given just last April I had all three glasses made with lenses that already cost an arm and a leg. 

If all else fails however, my dream fantasy could possibly come back into play. Yes, an evening cook is my first fantasy but my second is totally hiring a chauffeur! Kind of like an Uber driver, but way more professional. It kind of gives me the creeps hopping into an Uber car with a total stranger that possibly shoots up each night or is still drunk from the night before. ENTER: HOKE. 

The guy who drove Miss Daisy all around town. Now THAT is a guy I’d trust in a heartbeat! With HIM... I wouldn't even need to run a background check. And yes, unlike Daisy... I would CERtainly let him stop for a bathroom break! Besides, I'd probably have to join him. 

THIS IS ME...

This is me. This is me during the pandemic. This is me withering away. This is me freaking out about it, too. Well... wait a minute. Let's not get carried away. Only KIND of withering. In any case...

It’s VERY rare that pictures are taken of me whereby you see my entire body. Trust me… I normally run like a bat out of hell to be sure my entire body is NOT captured. 

However… the other day my sister, Claudia, was here and she did take such a picture! EEKS. Why?? Because basically she, like me, has been somewhat mystified at what appears to be my body withering away. Remember: only kind of. Through no help of my own, I might add.  And… she tells me all about it almost every damn day. So much so that I need to tell her over and over again… ENOUGH ALREADY. Seriously… until she kept commenting to me about it, I didn’t even think about it all that much. Granted, in her eyes there isn’t all that much about me of which she doesn’t rave, but still. This is like nuts. I merely thought maybe it was my imagination, to tell you the truth. But whoa. Claudia is like obsessed about it. I think she may be jealous, which actually, she ALso tells me everyday.

OH YEAH… TIME OUT. This is an interesting  side note:

So when Claudia came to my door… I opened it after I heard the door bell and boom. She thrusts this large candy cane shaped deal filled with mini Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups … which is a total favorite of mine… in front of me and says: THIS IS FROM YOUR BOYFRIEND! REALLY. HE SAID “BOYFRIEND" THREE TIMES! I looked at her kind of pretty damn astonished because 1.) This could naturally, have come from any number of men crazy about me and 2.) I had no clue whatsoever who the heck would be labeling himself as my boyfriend! All I could say to her was: What the hell are you TALKING about?? Turns out however… my “boyfriend” is the wonderful retired guy next door, who btw, just happened to have ALSO brought me flowers on Thanksgiving! Man… I can’t WAIT for Christmas for God only knows what I might possibly get then, but you can be sure I totally hope it’s pricey and bling-y. Then Valentine’s Day?? Geez. Maybe I should alert him now that I don’t normally do milk chocolate… dark only. On the other hand, he should know already, I'd NEVER have a boyfriend who voted for Trump but whatever. Regardless… I digress. Back to Claudia and my full body shot.   

I do have to admit it IS kind of bizarre. I don’t even know what’s happening but for some reason, I am losing weight. In fact, I'd have to say that since a year ago, I bet I've lost close to 10 lbs. Which COULD mean I am pretty sick with some horrible disease that just hasn’t been diagnosed yet. Although according to all my doctors, I’m in excellent health, so go figure. No pun intended. And actually, I haven’t felt much like eating this past week, but I suspect that is just temporary given I’ve been feeling a tad unlike my normal chipper self. Which is also weird. Normally, I’d be downing all kinds of food if I’m feeling out of sorts, but okay. I guess this is the way God wants it.

On the other hand… I am guessing that maybe the real reason for my weight loss the past 9 months is perhaps because I’m not able to dine out like I loved to do before this pandemic. Who knew there would be a GOOD reason this virus came about? Lunch time would probably be my meal of choice to indulge in high calorie foods, but sadly… I’ve had to forgo dining out for lunch AND for dinner. Damnit.

However… regardless of the reason… “there’s something strange in the neighborhood” and I totally can’t call Ghostbusters. Yet still… “there’s something weird and it don’t look good” and again… I can’t call Ghostbusters. WTF is going on with me, anyway?? You should see how much of my wardrobe needs altering for it to fit correctly! In fact... given I'm pretty lazy... I may just have to ditch it all and donate it to a women’s shelter. YAY. MY MAIN CLOSET WILL SUDDENLY BECOME EVEN MORE ROOMY AND EVEN MORE EASILY ACCESSIBLE. Now THERE'S a bonus if ever there was. Besides… even with the donation, I’ll still have a wardrobe enough to clothe 4 women in all kinds of get ups.  

Granted, most people would love to be in my position. In fact I know people who have GAINED weight, being inside for all these months. But apparently, not me. Now look… I’m not complaining, but I AM a little perplexed about it all. You should have seen me during Thanksgiving, for instance. While I ate no turkey, I totally downed all the other dishes, including a serving of pecan AND pumpkin pie. No… I didn’t finish either slice which btw is also a crazy thing. I’d normally finish off both desserts with sheer delight. Uh… not any more. Which I’m beginning to think is yet another sign pointing to my getting older or being horribly sick.

For my entire life, I have had the appetite of 3 people put together. Uh… and usually, my figure showed it. Oops… I mean my physique. But now?? At this age? OMG. You should see my sagging body. Uh… God forbid. Which is why I say withering not wilting. Big difference. Anyway…

I’ve always said: I am THE target audience for clothing manufacturers. Case in point: let’s say you invited me to your house for dinner. I’ll totally be dressed spiffy enough. But then…  let’s say you served pigs in a blanket for appetizers. Now most people will take maybe two and call it a day. ME? Geez… I’LL TAKE FIVE OF THOSE, PLEASE. THEY’RE MY ALL TIME FAVORITE! THANKS. And bingo. Down the hatch they’d go with a smile on my face.

I just wished I knew what the hell was going on inside. Have you any idea how hard it is to take in every piece of clothing you own?? And the funny thing is… I would never want a love interest to be withering away like this and become all skin and bones. (not that that’s ever going to happen to ME) I’m into husky and burly. In fact, I have a friend who says he weighed 115 pounds when he married. WHAT?? ISN’T THAT WHAT A 13 YEAR OLD WEIGHS? Like at his Bar Mitzvah, maybe? Talk about where’s the beef! Luckily however, I’ll never have to worry about that given I’M never going to see 115 pounds ever again. Uh… I hope. For if so, call the funeral home immediately. That would be the ONLY reason for me to ever weigh that crazy amount.

Now, I will say that for over a year, I have decided to be very careful about my carb intake. But that doesn’t mean I don’t do ANY carbs, heaven forbid. For instance, I could never live without my daily bite of Hershey’s Dark Chocolate XL candy bar. Granted, I literally only take one bite per day but still. It’s enough to kill the craving. Regardless…

Feast your eyeballs on the one and probably only time you’ll ever see a full length photo of me. I don’t flaunt my body EVER. My clothing, okay. But never my body. When the day comes that I look like Nicole Kidman however… who probably DOES weigh less than 115 lbs… well, that’s another story altogether. THEN?? Why then… I’ll not only flaunt my body, but I’ll happily even do it nude! Man, she’s gorgeous. The damn bitch.

WAY TOO GRAPHIC

 

I happen to be a pretty squeamish kind of a lady. Even when I was pretty young, I could tell right off the bat, that gore and fear and death and horror, whether it be on the big screen or in real life, is SO not for me. Roller coaster rides? Shoot me now. Rosemary’s Baby? I’d rather be dead. I also don’t even watch films where aliens land and then take over people’s minds and bodies. That I even got through Jurassic Park in a theater is a sheer miracle, altogether.

Plus… I would NEVER look at anyone who has passed away. Nor would I ever allow my kid to do so. Which was a real stretch given he totally had to deal with corpses when in hospitals, studying to become a Physician’s Assistant. DID YOU TELL THEM YOUR MOTHER WOULDN’T ALLOW IT? AND THAT YOU’RE NOT TO, GOD FORBID, EVER TOUCH ONE? So much for following my instructions.

And, I’ve CERTAINLY told my son he’s not allowed to see ME when I kick the bucket. In my mind, that is something no child should ever have to have planted in their memory for the rest of their life. Better he, just like I did with my own parents, should remember his mother when I was laughing, vibrant and healthy. HERE. TAKE THIS 16x20 PICTURE OF ME AND PLACE IT SOMEWHERE VERY PROMINENTLY IN YOUR HOME. Boom. Happy memories. Of course, I’m sure a 5x7 would be much more his speed. In any case…

I also don’t look inside my own body. As in X-rays, let’s say. Why the hell would I want to see that? That’s the doctor’s job and the reason for which he’s paid. Changing my own bandages after major surgery? FUCK NO. Again, that’s something for which I pay my attending home nurse to do. Which btw, even it means you don’t eat for three months, is still worth the cost.

So with all that in mind… what REALLY freaks me out like nothing else, is the fact I am FORCED to see that HUGE graphic of the big red horned looking coronavirus OVER AND OVER AND OVER again, every damn place I look! Newspapers, online articles, television, ads, EVERYwhere. It is sooo gross, I just can’t tell you. Why are they making me LOOK at that hideous picture?? Isn’t that the job of the scientists in a laboratory staring down in to their high powered microscopes?? I want to throw up every time I see it and I IMMEDIATELY look away, practically gagging. Anything seen under a microscope and then blown up to the size a building is ugly! Omg. I get the chills just thinking about it! 

Kind of like I never look at that disgusting ad for foot fungus medicine on someone’s GRUESOME big toe! Are they crazy? They think this is an appealing sight to include in an ad? TELL ME ABOUT THE PRODUCT. DON’T SHOW ME THE ACTUAL GHASTLY LOOKING DISEASE AND/OR EVEN A CARTOON LIKE GRAPIC! Jesus. I don’t even want to see pink Pepto Bismol going down someone’s throat, coating their disgusting stomach, either. THESE ADVERTISMENTS ARE SIMPLY NAUSEATING which of course is exactly what Pepto Bismol treats in the first place! I so have to attend one of the advertising meetings where people are pitching this garbage to their clients. I’d tell them right away: HEY! HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH YOU ARE MAKING PEOPLE SICK TO THEIR STOMACH JUST LOOKING AT THE WAY YOU’RE PRESENTING THE PRODUCT?? Man. Get to a new agency this minute!

Sadly however, no one ever asks my opinion. But boy, would I ever like to set them straight. I don’t want to see cancer cells. I don’t want see psoriasis. I don’t want to see viruses. I don’t want to see people turning blue in a hospital bed while doctors are trying to resuscitate them. I don’t want to see ANYTHING that’s inside or outside the body that’s going to make me hurl my dinner. Which btw, you just KNOW is their prime time for wanting to reach their target audience.    

Just my luck, btw… for peyronies disease, they show me fruits and vegetables. But now THAT’S something however, where seeing the real thing would totally get my attention in a freakin’ minute! Well, unless it’s REALLY bizarre looking. Hell I’ll even check out an explicit ad showing me how medicine for E.D works. I know. I can see already which specialty I’d be considering were I in Medical School, but whatever.    

Turns out however… apparently the disgusting medical ads are there for an actual reason. Not just to merely make me feel repulsed. But instead... because supposedly, the more realistically revolting the ad, the more fear it instills in people about the disease. Jesus. Now that’s SOME take on promoting medicine and science to the public, alright. Put the fear of God into people and bingo. They will buy into the seriousness of the disease and hence the treatment which in turn, lines the pockets of pharmaceutical companies up the kazoo. Some set up, right? Which brings me right smack back to: if advertisers are selling a product for a brain disorder let’s say… DON’T SHOW ME A SHOT OF THE ACTUAL BRAIN DETERIORATION. I’ll fucking jump off the roof if I saw THAT.

So I guess it’s safe to say I would not make a particularly good nurse. Or doctor. I can’t even look at the ads, let alone the patient. Coming full circle then, to the nasty looking horned coronavirus picture. I get it. It’s a deadly disease. It’s killing our entire population. BUT PLEASE DON’T MAKE ME LOOK AT IT! I’ll wear a mask. I’ll socially distance myself. I simply don’t need a microscopic shot of it blown up 10 billion times the actual size to appreciate the severity of it!

And oh yeah… if you think I’d be a horrible nurse, you have any idea what sort of lab partner I was in 10th grade Biology when we had to DISSECT A FROG???? Think: again, horrible but 15 times over. Naturally I would have no part of it. My job then became the transcriber.

Way more up my alley!   

POLITICAL TALK

Several years ago, I came up with an idea of how I would moderate a political talk show. I may have touched upon it a bit back then, but these days, I’m taking it way more seriously. Especially given how absolutely dreadful the current moderators are, no matter what channel nor what show you watch. THEY TOTALLY SUCK. Why you ask??

Easy. Because each and every one of them NEVER press the guests to actually answer the question! The moderators give the guests a total platform to lie, spin or ignore answering altogether. Hence MY show would be called:

ANSWER THE QUESTION!

The basic premise is that I ask the question. I then… surprise, surprise…. would expect guests to actually… ANSWER IT! I would NOT allow them to spin their bullshit or evade the question or just make up crap. And my twist on why I’d be a perfect host on an honest show?

If and when they DON’T simply answer the question, boom. THEIR MIC IS TURNED OFF. F you. You’re here to answer whatever I ask and if you don’t, sorry. You’re screwed. (and yes… mic IS the accepted spelling)

What a concept. I ask. You give a truthful answer.

Thus, when they don’t… I would then alert the lying pundit their mic has been shut off because they are not adhering to the rules. But... given I am a benevolent hostess afterall… if they would like one last chance, then okay. They may get it. BUT…

If they choose to once again evade the specific question, then this time, not only is their mic cut off, but so is the camera. BINGO. YOU’RE DONE. I HAD YOU HERE TO ANSWER POLITICALLY BASED QUESTIONS FOR OUR VIEWERS BUT SINCE YOU DECIDED TO MERELY LIE AND FORGET ABOUT ANSWERING HONESTLY, THEN TO HELL WITH YOU. YOU’RE SO OUTTA HERE. BYE! Go do your spinning on some other show.

Whammo. I move on to my next guest, reminding them of what happened to the last one and that they are not there to simply hear themselves speak. I can’t beLIEVE how current shows fall into the non-answer answer trap over and over again. IT’S INFURIATING to me. Seriously. Every truth has been deemed FAKE NEWS and for it continue is an offense to everyone!

Granted… it could be hard to find folks willing to be on ANSWER THE QUESTION! but that’s where my producers come in. Gather the names of reliable political people who understand what it means to give accurate information to the public and BOOK THEM! For once in our lives… I want to view a show where we don’t allow spin and don’t allow promoting the agenda of the guests. It’s MY job to set the agenda. Not theirs.

Can you even imagine what a turn around this could be for our country? You turn on your TV... maybe I’ll come on right after Rachel Maddow… and bring REAL answers to our citizens! I am so damn tired of what we get from our government leadership… oops… I mean the Republicans…  and I bet the rest of my countrymen are pissed, as well. Oh man. I also bet Sean Hannity would be shaking in his boots once I get guests with integrity and courage to speak the truth.

WHAT? THERE IS A POLITICAL TALK SHOW WHERE THEY ACTUALLY TALK?? AND… EDUCATE EVERYONE WITHOUT FALSE AND MISLEADING INFORMATION? BECAUSE IF NOT, THEIR MIKE IS CUT OFF?? Wow. Sean wouldn’t even beLIEVE there could be such ethical conversation going on! Oh… I’ll be pressing for truth, alright. Maybe I’ll even win an Emmy for creating such a novel idea in political talk.

Another idea I have talked about in the past is one that I KNOW people will flip their lids about, but I don’t care. Yes… I know it’s radical and totally illegal, but I sort of think our current political life warrants it. My voting idea? Hang on to your hats, folks:

I would LOVE to mandate that any voter who has not graduated  high school with at least a C- average uh… automatically becomes ineligible to vote! DON’T YELL AT ME. I know… it’s VERY prejudicial but I don’t care.

WE SIMPLY CANNOT CONTINUE HAVING IDIOTS VOTING WHEREBY WE ARE THEN STUCK WITH VILE, DESTUCTIVE LEADERSHIP IN AMERICA.

Hmmm… do I need to even remind you of the 2016 election? When idiots came out in droves, thinking the guy who couldn’t even pass an 8th grade Civics class should lo and behold suddenly become President? THOSE voters actually thought his priority would be the welfare of our country! He would protect all citizens in everyway possible! There is no way 50% of those voters graduated with a 1.5 or above. Let alone a 4.0 Don’t even get me started on their acceptance into college. I want clear thinking, educated voters to elect my President. Not cult seeking knuckleheads. 

Now... got get me wrong. I'm not saying higher education is for everyone or that it is required for being an intelligent minded person. But whoa. There were too damn many voters who simply went along with the rally mentality, believing every damn lie they were told by their incompetent Mad King D.T. Nor am I saying voting Republican is an automatic sign of stupidity although it does give me a moments pause. But to vote for his RE-ELECTION??? Geez... where’s Tim Russet when I need him most?

So there you have it. ANSWER THE QUESTION! The first talk show where political figures have honest, moral, and ethical answers to my questions. And who hopefully… will encourage voters to educate themselves fully about each candidate. If not… then who needs them? CUT THE MIC.

Really. It that too much to ask? Answer the question, please.

MY PERSONAL TOP TEN LIST

 

If I actually had something to say, I suspect this entry would be way better. But the fact of the matter is: I have absolutely nothing of any interest to ANYone about which to write. In fact, the only reason I sat down here at the computer is to calm down while I await my guests for Thanksgiving dinner. Which is interesting only because this is the first time in about 15 years that I have even made Thanksgiving dinner.

Normally I take about a dozen of my favorite people to the country club for their FANtastic buffet dinner and believe you me…. I WISHED I WERE THERE RIGHT NOW. But of course I can’t be. First of all, there is no way I am going to do major indoor dining due to the pandemic. Second of all, they can no longer even offer a buffet style meal… again, due to the pandemic. You have no idea how crushed I am about this. Buffets are my all time favorite way to dine since I totally love having a mere taste of everything… not just one actual entree’. Of course the mere tastes totally could wind up feeding a family of 4 in no time. Plus… I can’t even go to the quarterly seafood buffet because that too, has gone down the drain because of covid and THAT was totally my all time favorite.  

Anyway… my table is set, very low key table scaping I might add, but it looks pretty enough. My food is in the over, my hors d'oeuvres are out and my champagne is ready to be opened. All in all, I think dinner is going to be pretty delicious. YAY THANKSGIVING.

To also help to calm my pre dinner nerves, I directed Alexa to play Fats Domino so I can hear him throughout my entire house. This delights me to no end. Naturally, I’m going to have to tone down the music considerably once everyone is here. Something like the Rolling Stones, maybe?? Now THERE’S dinner music if ever there was. 

But for now, I can dance all around the house, feeling happy as a little lark looking forward to seeing everyone. And when I say everyone, I mean: 6. That's all I'll allow in the house at a time. In fact, last weekend I had my son order a thermometer gun for me just for this occasion, so I could aim it at their forehead and test everyone's temp as they enter... just like they do in doctor's offices. I so love this toy. Oops. I mean medical equipment. In the meantime...

While I was working in the kitchen… all day, I might add, save the hour I took for a happy little nap…  I was thinking about all my favorite things in life. Notice I wasn’t thinking about  things for which I’m grateful, which would have been way more apropos, but who cares. Instead, I was thinking about what made me happy and I decided what the hell…  I might as well share my Top Ten Favs with you. Therefore, in no particular order, here are some of the items I came up with for my list:

FAV 1. Being kissed by someone who actually knows HOW to kiss. I mean the kind that envelops every one of your sensual and/or sexual senses. I needn’t go into details…but very few have had the chance to enjoy this sort of kiss because most men just don't know how to REALLY kiss. Trust me on this... I've kissed many men in my life and while some just out and out sucked, most men merely kiss adequately. However, lucky me, for I totally HAVE had a gentleman kiss me the way a woman craves and it brought me to my knees each and every damn time. Thank you He, Who Shall Remain Nameless!

FAV 2. Driving a Cadillac sedan, which is the one car I’ve driven more than any other make I’ve ever owned. In fact, I took my driving test at age 16 with a '63 Cadillac Sedan DeVille and therefore, boy! Can I ever parallel park! I downsized a few years ago, but I am fantasizing of buying one last Cadillac once I pass my drivers license renewal test in May. IF I pass. I am so praying my eye sight can read those crappy tiny little baby signs they show me. Really... I can barely see them! Talk about a rigged test. 

FAV 3. THE all time best song to dance to: CLICK HERE THIS VERY MINUTE! And... turn the volume up to 110! OMG. You have no idea how sexy this music is. The sensuality of the rolling rhythm knocks the fucking socks off my feet. Dancing to it raises my happiness level to no end. And if I played this song 100 times in a row, I'd never tire of it! Seriously. If you are dancing with me to this... I will fall in love with you immediately. Sort of. You SING THIS TO ME WHILE PLAYING THE PIANO... I will fall in love with you definitely. Forever. For you'd be my kind of guy, hands down.

FAV 4. Food. I love to eat. Everything and almost anything. Very little explanation needed here.

FAV 5. Laughing. Especially with my son. He’s got a keen sense of humor much like myself. Naturally, I laugh as much at top seasoned comedians as I do at low brow folks whose minds are in the gutter. I’m apparently an equal opportunity kinda gal. One of the funniest things my kid ever did for me btw, was a routine he made up in the car one day. It was a sort of thing whereby he pretended he was a Latino professor of English as a Second Language, but he was teaching his supposed class with not only a Spanish accent, but also with a lisp the entire time. OMG. If only you could have heard him. I nearly drove off the road. Now that I think about it, I bet he was high on weed. 

FAV 6. DEFintely my desktop. I couldn’t live without it nor without all my software programs. I’ve mastered many programs throughout the years and I don’t even know if I could choose one favorite. Wait… oh yes I can. My picture editing software. 

FAV 7. PRESENTS! I totally love getting gifts and/or money. And… if the presents are a surprise from right out of the blue, all the better. I have a whole routine going down when I open a present, btw. I close my eyes, unwrap the gift, take it out of it's packaging if there is any, and then hold up the gift right in front of me and BINGO. I OPEN MY EYES WITH MAJOR EXCITEMENT. I'm telling you... any little present does the trick.

FAV 8. Live concerts! Geez… I’ve been to so many and have loved every one of them. Talk about being easily amused. My first was when I was 14 and my brother took me to a traveling Top 40 doo-wop concert which excited me to no end. Chubby Checker doing the twist was fantastic. When Freddie Cannon sang Palisades Park I popped right up and began dancing and singing immediately! What a night for a young, impressionable girl. When I was in high school my uncle got me tickets to the Ed Sullivan show in Miami Beach and who was the headliner? The Beatles! And while I LOVED Billy Joel, Tina Turner, Rod Stewart, Cher, etc. etc,. NO one excited me more than Elton John, whom I’ve seen several times. Oh wait. I bet Elvis might come first. It’s a major toss up alright, but both lit up my night like never before. 

FAV 9. Extra large sized pieces of statement jewelry. I don’t do small, dainty looks. In my book, that's for 12 year old little girls. Which is where my top of the line faux jewelry comes in. Big and bold and boom. You’ll notice me alright. I’m the one whom people will remember and about whom someone will whisper into another's ear: Holy Shit. Did you SEE what she has on? Oh... they may imply I looked way over the top, but it just goes to show they have no fashion sense whatsoever. Life Lesson: BIGGER IS BETTER. Just ask Iris Apfel. Now THERE'S someone who knows fashion.  

FAV 10. My Google Pixel 2XL cell phone. Man. I just can't say enough about it. BEST PHONE EVER. The screen is large. The camera is the best money can buy. YOU can keep your iPhone. I'm going with this one, every time. In fact, just yesterday I called Verizon to upgrade because of Black Friday sales. I got all the info I needed and maybe today will be the day of the new purchase! Am definitely pretty psyched.

And there you have it, folks. My Personal Top Ten favorites. There may be more but there's just so much I include here. Like how much do I love GOOGLE. What an invention! I also love when my lawn is newly mowed. Or when snow is falling right smack in front of your eyeballs. Or kissing a year old baby. Oh well, ten is all I need right now. And, btw...

My next post could very well be: MY TOP TEN LIST OF 2020. You already know my Number One. HE'S GONE! Now there's something for which to give thanks.

 

THE CARNIVAL

 

Whoa. Did I ever have a crazy night last Sunday. It was so bizarre I can’t even believe it. Actually, I was scared!

So it was basically day 2 of the entire world beginning to once again hoard toilet paper and paper towel. Which as you know, not having PLENTY OF EACH ITEM is the biggest fear of my life. Well… next to plane turbulence, not finding a bathroom in time, rape and robbery, and driving on an interstate. And, if it happens to be raining on the interstate… then just shoot me altogether. However…

There I was on Sunday evening, doing chores around the house and then I said to myself: what the hell. It’s still only 7:30 so why not make a quick run to the grocery store and begin my own sort of paper product hoarding. Again.

I looked like hell, but I was totally counting on everyone being at home watching 60 Minutes, thus I decided I’d be safe from people looking at me as if I was one of those creepy folks you see in Walmart photos. God forbid. Turns out however, it didn’t even matter. Want to guess why? 

I’ll TELL you why. As it happened, I put the dog in his bed, I grabbed my purse, set the alarm system, walked out the door, hopped into the car, pressed the start button and THEN….

THE CARNIVAL BEGAN! ALL OF A SUDDEN EVERY LIGHT INSIDE AND OUTSIDE THE CAR BEGAN BLINKING QUICKLY, NOISES FROM THE DASHBOARD WERE BEEPING ALL OVER THE PLACE, EVERY ICON WAS BLAZING INFO AND NOTHING BUT NOTHING WOULD STOP ANY OF THE CRAZINESS GOING ON! Holy shit.

WTF IS HAPPENING???

Seriously. I thought I was in some sort of a glittering ride at a carnival and there was no way whatsoever to get off. So to speak. Oh man. Never in my 56 years of driving have I ever experienced such auto confusion and mal-functioning. I was DIZZY from just sitting in the driver’s seat. And… it went on and on and on. Frankly, I was beginning to think the car was going to EXLODE right there in the garage. Oh my God. It was beyond belief. 

Okay. So at this point I am trying to think straight without fainting altogether. I immediately grabbed my cell phone and began videotaping what was happening and sent it to my son. HELP. WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE WITH THE CAR?? No response. He was still at work, damnit. Soooo… next thing I do is send the video to a friend of mine with the same message. I was totally frantic, trust me.

My friend right away said WANT ME TO COME OVER?? To which I said… YES. YES. YES. RIGHT THIS VERY MINUTE. PLEASE. MY WORLD IS GOING KAFLUEY AS WE SPEAK. AND… IF I AM IN FLAMES WHEN YOU GET HERE, CALL EVERYONE I KNOW AND TELL THEM I WILL MISS THEM. FAMILY ONLY, GRAVESIDE FUNERAL. SEE YOU IN A SEC. THANKS!!!

Sure enough within 6 minutes my friend arrives and then HE sees what’s going on. Naturally, he’s calm and cool, asks for the key fob, and the owner’s manual and sits in the car. I told him to search the index for: WHEN CAR IS WORKING ON IT’S OWN, ACTING CRAZY AND IS THIS FAR FROM EXPLOSION. Unfortunately, there was no such word match in the manual listings. Anyway….

Okay. The car’s computer was taking over and the battery EVENTUALLY just begins to die a slow death which of course ends the carnival activity. LIGHTS OUT, FOLKS. NOTHING MORE TO SEE HERE. MOVE ON. PARTY’S OVER.

There goes the car. There goes my toilet paper. There goes my innocent evening outing. Well… except that my friend then said: HOP IN MY CAR. I HAVE TO GO TO THE GROCERY STORE ANYWAY, SO I’LL TAKE YOU AND BRING YOU BACK. Of course I then said to him… BTW. I’M BUYING TWO PACKS OF TOILET TISSUE FOR ME AND TWO FOR YOU, BUT YOU’RE NOT KEEPING YOURS. YOU’RE GIVING THEM TO ME SINCE YOU ONLY NEED IT 50% OF THE TIME. ME? I NEED IT 100%.

Which brings me to the next morning. 

Whew. By then, I’m behaving like a sane person once again. YAY ME. I called the dealer, spoke to my favorite guy in the service dept. and told him my story to which he said not to worry, was probably due to a dead battery making a mess of the computer system. Then I called AAA and they came over, jump started me and before you could say holy ba holy I was pulling into the dealer’s service lane. I could go on an on, but the details don’t matter much. What DOES matter is the next part of this fiasco.

So now… it’s about a 1:30 and I still hadn’t eaten. I could tell my blood sugar was going to drop so I asked Zac, the service guy: uh, while you’re working on the car, is there anywhere I could go to grab a sandwich? I’m starved! Zac points to a street light right up the street,.. not TOO far and tells me there is Burger King right there. I contemplate the walk and figure okay. I can totally do it. Maybe. Would be good exercise, in any case. So off I go.

RIGHT SMACK INTO A SARAHA WIND STORM, I MIGHT ADD. OMG. THE TEMPERATURE IS LIKE 4O DEGREES AND GUSTS ARE LIKE 22 MPH AND I’M TRUDGING ALONG TO A F’ING BURGER KING.

Don’t even ask. I can’t believe I made it there, but I did. I was the only one in the place and I made a snap decision to order: a whopper with cheese (cut in half), french fries, a small chocolate shake and a diet coke. HEY, DON’T JUDGE ME. I’VE JUST HAD A NIGHT FROM HELL, THEN A DAY FILLED WITH STRESS, AND... AN EXPEDITION THROUGH THE SAHARA WINDS. I totally deserve a boatload of hard core junk food to soothe my sweet, sensitive, delicate soul. Uh… mission accomplished.

Okay. I get my order and begin with the allowed 5 spoonful bites of the thick shake and decide that’s all I really need to quench the ice cream beast in me. I move on into my fries, already feeling the day will be fine. I’ve eaten about a third of my Whopper and what do I see but a couple… about 30, with no masks… ordering a huge amount of food and… who could SO be one of those people I was talking about in Walmart snapshots at 3:00 in the morning. Plus, they both are a bit... opps, I mean a lot... unkempt for my taste, and their figures tell me they eat at this place 5 days a week. Then… when they sit down to their smorgasbord…  

MY RADAR GOES OFF. I have to get the hell out of this place immediately!

Which I do. I begin packing up my burger and fries, put the lid on my Diet Coke, throw out the basically full cup of chocolate shake and high tail it out of there within seconds. I could SO catch covid from this couple. Which worked out just as well actually, given my immediate stomach ache from all this junk would probably kick right in on my way back to the dealer. Which only means:

I’D BE IN THE  MIDDLE OF A WIND STORM ALL OVER AGAIN, IN A HUGE PLOT OF OPEN LAND RIGHT OFF A BUSY STREET AND THERE WOULD BE NO BATHEROOM IN SIGHT, EVER! Talk about shoot me now. In any case….

You would think my story ends here. But not really.

Suffice it to say I made it back to the dealership (used the ladies’ room there, of course) got a new battery at no cost and put my exhausted body back into my car to head home. NOW MY MIND IS THINKING. Hmmm… I’m passing two grocery stores on the way home. WHY NOT JUST HOARD PAPER PRODUCTS ONCE AGAIN WHILE I’M OUT AND ABOUT ANYWAY?? Decision made. Two stops later…

Mission accomplished. I’ve got my car working fine again and I’ve got  4 packs of Charmin toilet paper and 4 rolls of Bounty paper towels! Oh Jesus. I AM becoming one of the blue haired old ladies who cause trouble when out in public. JUST LET ME HAVE MY PAPER GOODS, GOD DAMNIT! I PROMISE. AFTERWARDS, I’LL BEHAVE LIKE A POLITE, WELL BRED LADY LICKETY SPLIT.

So... NOW is the end of my story. Carnival, check. Car, check. Lunch, check. Paper hoarding, check. Thus... all’s well that ends well which in fact, it did.

Just a note all you juniors out there btw… living as a senior citizen is no easy feat. I’m perfect living proof… so be sweet to people like me. For your turn will come before you even know it. You’ll have no clue what current music is on the charts anymore. You’ll never be able to find anything you just had in your hand. You will swear at every techie device known to man because you’ll have no idea of all the ins and outs of how it works. You'll totally forget names of people you’ve worked with for years. You will pee 14 times a day. And... your kids will be WAY smarter than you.

Talk about a carnival in your head, alright.

.

 

POSITIVELY CRAZY

I just don’t get it. But the Trump family gets it in spades.

Uh… exactly what is it they get? Oh man. They test positive and sure enough, at one time or another, they're allll contracting covid 19! And tons of their co-workers, too. 

Trump, Melania. Barron. Don Jr. Jr’s girlfriend. Mark Meadows. Senators galore. Kellyanne. Lewandowski. Hope Hicks. Secret Service employees. And on and on. What I can't figure out is...

WHY AREN’T AT LEAST ONE THEM DEAD ALREADY?? 

Or in a hospital. Or on a ventilator. Or having SOMETHING seriously and/or dangerously horrible affecting their health? Honestly. I don't get it. Man. Are THEY ever beating the odds! 

Granted… Trump was in Walter Reed… but bingo. 3 days later he’s out, feeling spiffy as hell. Everyone else is basically quarantining and just sitting at home, waiting a week and then boom. They too, are out of the house as if nothing on the entire planet is killing people like flies. WHY ARE ALL THE TRUMPS ABLE TO FEND OFF THIS VIRUS, ANYWAY?? Are they supernatural or something? How the fuck are they still functioning? ALL of them.

Seriously. Not even one out ten people in the White House, where the virus is kind of bringing down all the staff day in and day out, is in the hospital. Okay. Chris Christie was, but still. This deadly disease is like a mere common cold to all the rest of them. It’s just such a major mystery to me and a mystery I don’t think anyone will ever be able to solve to my satisfaction.

Believe me… I am SCARED AS HELL I might contract this deal. I’d be dead in a week. Trump and his cronies however? A little headache and next thing you know they are back at the office spreading it to everyone around the White House, yet never is even one of them really, REALLY sick. It simply defies my imagination.  

They wear no masks. The hang out in groups of hundreds and even when the Trumps spread the disease to everyone they know… even THOSE PEOPLE don’t wind up in intensive care. Are they all taking hydroxychloroquine and it’s working??? They are dinking Clorox?  Man. Have I ever got to get an appointment with their doctors. SOMETHING’S working for the hordes of people around Trump, keeping them all alive.

I, of course would never make it. I contract covid? Boom. I’m not breathing and the next thing you know, I’m reminding my kid in which drawer my Will and Trust can be found. Because believe you me, there is no way I’m coming out of it. My anxiety about even having covid in the FIRST place, would do me in. Besides… it’s practically winter and each year between now and spring, I always have some sort of respiratory situation pop up. Normally an inhaler takes care of it licktety split but during this pandemic? Oh man. Get me into the ICU immediately.

Oh yeah… even Andrew, Giuliani's son, tested positive!! How much you want to bet he’ll be in the house in a couple of days and then bingo. He too, is back out on the streets. Whatever magical water the Trumps are drinking to snap them right back to perfect health is the water I want! I’m sure it will be shared with Andrew, too, btw. Talk about the benefits of knowing people in high places. Oh yeah… speaking of Giuliani…

How much do I love that Rudy was oozing hair dye all down his face during his news conference?? Whoa. Was THAT ever hilarious. I can’t even imagine who his hairdresser must be. Some sources claim it wasn’t from his hair but instead, from his sideburns which were dyed to match his hair color but it doesn’t make any difference to me. WhomEVER it was should be fired immediately. Boy did he ever look like a friggin fool. Right smack in front of the entire world, no less. THANK YOU RUDY FOR ONE THE ALL TIME FUNNIEST PHOTOS EVER. Does NO one on his team pull him aside and say UH… SIR. YOU LOOK LIKE A COMPLETE ASSHOLE RIGHT NOW, SO COULD YOU STEP OVER TO THE SIDELINE FOR A SECOND? WE TOTALLY NEED TO WIPE YOU DOWN. Happily enough, everyone just let him keep going as all of us watched him begin to almost turn into a vampire of sorts. THANK YOU TEAM RUDY.   

And btw… how is it HE hasn’t contracted covid?? Rudy is all OVER the place inside the White House. I just can’t get over it. In the meantime, had Ivanka tested positive, Trump would be apoplectic. But Don Jr.? Hey… no big deal. In fact, just last night a friend and I were mocking the disgusting way Trump practically drools over his daughter with sheer lust in his eyes. Both Ivana and Melania totally have major competition going on there.

I can only hope the lot of them are carted off to jail or forced to pay zillions in fines for all their criminal financial activities. Actually that family had better NOT quarantine for Thanksgiving this year. Because NEXT year they could so be in the big house. If only. Besides… why miss out on another opportunity for community spread throughout the entire family all at one meal? That sort of practice is way up their alley.

And speaking of  Thanksgiving…  what am I most thankful for this year?? TAKE ONE GUESS. For indeed, there is just one and only one answer: 'F’ING TRUMP IS OUT ON HIS ASS. And yes… I am forever grateful for my kid, my loved ones, my health, yada yada yada. But even that can’t override my glee at seeing Donald FIRED. You can be sure January 20th can't come fast enough for me.

And with that... Happy Thanksgiving to everyone. May you enjoy the holiday with loved ones, whether via phone, zoom or gulp… in person. Most importantly... I hope none of you or your loved ones test positive. Ever. Even if you DO figure out how the Trumps just breeze through this disease. For trust me... I bet YOU won't. And... as long as we're betting here... who out there thinks Trump was just faking his sickness after all? Never say never.

Oh wait... one last thing. WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO GIVING THANKSGIVING IT'S PROPER DUE, ANYWAY??? The holiday hasn't even yet ARRIVED but all over the city, Xmas lights are all lit up like there's no tomorrow! Seriously... people are just jumping right smack over Thursday's celebration and moving right into Santa Claus and all his reindeer? Man. Talk about a major scam for Tom Turkey. Want proof?

Here... take a look below for a shot of my neighbor's house across the street. It's nuts. They're already all decked out! Plus... every year they are this close to becoming another Disney World with all their lights and decorations. Believe me, this is just day one of what they'll put up later in the week. See the window just above the front door? That's where their sparkly, all lit up snowman goes each year. And basically it stays there until Valentine's day. Just wait until the blow up reindeer, sleigh, etc. come out. Boy. Talk about not being able to wait until 2020 is over. 

On the other hand... who can even blame them?  

    

I'M KIND OF FAMOUS...

Many people think that maybe I'm a talented sort of a gal and they wouldn't be all that wrong. Of course my best talent is one which I could never discuss but never you mind. That's a discussion reserved for a precious few.

I’m often told, shocking as it may seem, that I’ve got artistic talent, writing talent, even comical talent. Even as a teacher for 20 years, my principal thought I had a wonderful talent for instilling confidence in young children. Talk about fooling some of the people some of the time!

The fact is… I’m NOT really all that talented in the least. Instead, what I am, is a very calculated risk taker. I’ll try anything that I’m comfortable with… barring anything dealing with physical danger that is... and if it flops, then so be it. Case in point: would I ever do ziplining?? HELL NO. But… would I paint ceramics? Absolutely. And, I’ve done so. Didn’t EVERYone in the late 90s?? I’ve also sold many knitted scarves for $125 a clip when my cost was a measly $8 for yarn, and trust me. They were BEAUTIFUL. I created designs others found simply outstanding. Fuck macramé. These were far more superior than those hanging baskets crap. 

In the meantime, one of my all time very favorite things to do is photography. I took my first class in the early 80s at a local art museum in Miami. Turns out it was taught by someone with whom I went to high school, btw. Now SHE was an artist! My sister and I went each week and learned about taking and developing photographs. I even once won an award in a show sponsored by one of the largest department stores in the city. It was a shot of my 2 step children… about 2 and 5… sitting on a window sill in their pajamas leaning in to give each other a kiss. Man, I loved that picture.

Anyway, I took a couple of 6 week courses at the museum and then naturally decided THAT’S IT. THAT’S ALL THE CLASSES I NEED. I’M NOW PRACTICALLY A PROFESSIONAL SO THANKS FOR THE LESSONS BUT I’M READY TO MOVE ON. BYE! Besides… I totally hate black and white photography, which is a death sentence for anyone wanting to pursue this area of art. Me? I want color and I want bold.

Plus… I had a fancy schmancy camera, way before the days of digital cameras I might add, with all the attachments and lenses. I had to set the aperture, the exposure, the distance, the lighting, God knows what. I had to buy rolls and rolls of film and then run it up to the local camera store to have it all developed. My darkroom days were OVER. Therefore… how much did I love the point and shoot digital cameras of the early 2000s! The all time BEST camera ever, btw, is now… sitting down??… my CELL PHONE CAMERA! Which is why it’s the only model I’ll EVER buy. That bullshit that Annie Leibovitz goes in for is so not my style. Fast, easy, upload is totally my avenue of choice. Take a picture? Boom. Send it to the cloud. Download it to my desktop application. Saved forever. Done, done, done and done.

Actually my greatest joy is editing my pictures. I could spend HOURS and HOURS passing time with my editing software, enhancing photos and languishing in sheer pleasure. I try to do this daily and the longer it takes, the happier I am. You hate the person standing next to you in a picture? Bingo. I can remove them from the shot in no time. I can even replace them with someone else altogether. The color of someone’s shirt is way off? Whammo. All of a sudden you now have a true navy and bright white. Which brings me to…

My other love… painting. And by that I mean: a total kindergarten level of painting. Seriously. I’ll put my work up against ANY five year old any time you want! Even then, I might not even come out ahead. But… that doesn’t detract me in the least. I hate the painting? No problem. DITCH IT. Easy as that. Or, just paint over it. Most of my paintings I actually hate. OTHERS like them, but I know way better that they suck. So, with all this in mind ENTER: my artistic fame.

Turns out that Panama City in Florida had an art show recently and I was asked by a friend to enter my work. When first they asked, I said WHAT? ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR F’ING MIND?? THERE IS NO WAY WHATSOEVER MY WORK SHOULD BE SEEN BY STRANGERS! IT’S TOTALLY MICKEY MOUSE CALLIBER. They disagreed. Besides, it was part of a comeback for the city, given it’s now been 2 years since Hurricane Michael destroyed the entire town. Bottom line: Okay. I relented and agreed to upload my kindergarten level work. Which was a feat all onto itself, I don’t mind telling you. Don’t ask. Here is what WAS so cool about it, though.

The show was the largest projection art in the Southeast, entitled: PUBLIC EYE SOAR. Due to covid, I guess… the 2 day show was at night and all the artwork was projected onto huge walls allowing zillions of cars to drive right smack though the grounds, enjoying all KINDS of artwork! While I was in no way going to travel down to Florida to see the art show in person, I would have loved to, believe me. I had to name my entries, which I did, LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL, and of course my own name was listed on programs each car was given. The show was a huge success and I was happy to be a part of it. YAY FAME.

So are you ready? Want a clue as to what sort of art work I submitted? And that they displayed on the walls? Okay then. Get comfy and grab a drink. THEN, if you wish, you can totally offer me $100,000 for any piece you desire. Oh man. IF ONLY! Enjoy. And oh yeah... please don't laugh.