BLACK IS THE BEST REVENGE

I'm sure most women have one fantastic black dress in their wardrobe. If not... they absolutely should. Man... this one little item can carry you to a zillion places for a zillion reasons. Anywhere from a quiet little cocktail party at home to a major dinner party at the White House. Not to mention all the events in between. Mine can actually be dressed up or dressed down and can go to not only dinner parties but also to a happy matinee or even a sad funeral. In fact, I have about 5 black dresses and I wear them all. I totally love them.

Apparently Princess Diana had a little black dress that she loved as well. Granted HERS was pretty damn  formal and frankly there is no way whatsoever she could dress this one down. THIS one was strictly for fancy schmancy. It's drop dead gorgeous and I don't even want to tell you when she wore this number up above because to me... anyone who doesn't already know where, must be living under a rock. A big rock, too. Boy... did Diana ever pull out all stops that night.

NO WONDER THE MEDIA CALLED IT THE "REVENGE DRESS".

And man were they ever right on target. This is definitely one of the alltime best revenge dresses EVER. Diana deserves a fucking medal. Why? Because basically.... while Diana had had this dress for a long time, she never wore it until THE night she needed it most.The night she was seeking total revenge. As in: THE night Charles went on TV and publicly admitted to his entire empire he was having an affair. With Camilla, of course. You'd have thought THAT would have been the headline of the century, right?

But oh no... not so fast. Timed with absolute precision, while Charlie was busy confessing to the entire world he had been cheating on Diana for years... that was practically the exact moment Diana donned this dress for the first time, to attend a Vanity Fair party. THAT my friend was the headline the next morning. And whoa did she ever look spectacular in it. This was SO an F YOU CHARLES sort of dress!! I was in crazy ass glory for Diana that night.

Mainly because once again... Charlie was upstaged by this glamorous, stunning woman. Something that Charles HATED. Always. YEA DIANA. YOU GO GIRL. Granted. I totally get it that many many people have affairs and fall in love, etc. etc. BUT... I have heard of NO one who was ever in the throes of all this deceit the night right smack before his wedding to a new bride. Let alone while on their honeymoon, as well!! Is he out of his fucking MIND?? Man. He couldn't even wait til the marriage was at least on the rocks or something?? He just had to jump right smack into it all during the engagement?? F YOU CHARLES AND I WASN'T EVEN THE ONE MARRYING YOU.

Anyway... Charles makes me sick to my stomach for pulling such crap on Diana, thus I can't even waste time talking about him. Instead... I hail Diana for sticking it to him, but good. The entire world went NUTS when they saw her in this black dress and I was filled with sheer delight for her. I'm telling you... the right dress for the right moment for the right reason... bingo. You score a home run IMMEDIATELY. Talk about waving you right on into home base.

Which reminds me... there are some other dresses I also totally love. A couple of these, you have already seen, btw. I mean... you SHOULD have already seen. Again... show stoppers. Stunning. Home runs. Right dress for the right reactions. I also threw in a couple you may not recognize but knock my socks off as well.  

Now... if only I had a body and/or if I were totally famous boom. I'd buy these in a heart beat. Hoping to then of course make some dashing, tall, handsome man's heart REALLY start to beat.

MAIN FOCUS

Care to guess what Marlene Dietrich, Doris Day, Lucille Ball and Carol Burnett... just to name a few.. have in common? Basically it all boils down to: at some point in their lives they decided to do their photos in SOFT FOCUS. To sorta hide the fact they were aging, had imperfections or whatever. 

These women never considered a soft lens when they were young. They didn't need to. But when they became MY age? Oh man... they so turned soft. So to speak.

In the meantime... get this. MY TIME TOO, HAS COME. Seriously. Soft focus is definitely the way to go with this recent photo of me! Check it out up there and see for yourself. I'm telling you... I do believe it makes a major difference. EEEKS. Yet another reason proving I'm no longer a spring chicken. On the other hand... I totally love this concept.

First of all... I am ALWAYS on a perpetual quest to have a really pretty picture taken of myself. And the reason the quest is always ongoing is quite simple: I have yet to ever actually have had one taken. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. There are plenty of so called decent enough snapshots of me to be found but not necessarily a fantastically beautiful one. Second of all however... until I do, I am now so sticking with this soft focusing bit for SURE. It's definitely a fanTAStic temporary solution to the aging process. Third of all, I always say... until the day comes that I begin to look like Nicole Kidman... I'll simply have to continue on my personal photo journey. And believe me. I have no visions of grandeur here. I totally know I'll never be a Nicole lookalike. Ever. Damnit.

No wonder. I'm getting old. Don't even ask. Granted... the pretty photo search of myself is WAY down on my list of items that prove I'm now 65. There apparently is far more weighty proof at hand. For instance... I basically remember nothing anymore. HUH? WHAT DID I COME IN HERE FOR?? Better yet... WAIT. WHAT WAS I JUST TELLING YOU?? Worst of all... REALLY?? WHEN DID I SAY THAT?? Or even NOW WTF DID THEY JUST TELL ME AGAIN?? I'm telling you... my mind is either filled with such garbage or I'm headed to the looney bin but fast.

Another way in which I know I'm 65 is that I accomplish way less in a day than I did in my 30s and 40s lets say. Back in those days, I could wake up at eight in the morning and go all day long filling the time with hordes of activities. NOW however? Geez. It's crazy. Three or four tasks and bingo. I'm ready for a time out. Let alone a nap. In the meantime however... it's becoming more and more clear. I'M GETTING OLD.


Although the good news is: I now see I think I can maybe fake my aging a bit thanks to the soft focusing feature in so much software. I don't even need a soft lens anymore in a camera! I want to look younger? Boom. I'll just import the picture and yippee. I'll simply soften it myself and suddenly 1-2-3. I'm years younger! Well, kinda. 

Oh yeah. Here's another pict of me from the other night also done in soft focus. Something tells me however that everyone I was with that evening had a pretty good idea I was definitely in my mid sixties. No wonder. They were looking at me BEFORE I became artifically focused. Which is too bad since try as I may... I can only fool some of the people some of the time.

OMG. AGAIN????

There is nothing more I can add to this fucking van saga which is being lived out right next door to me. One look at this and you can only iMAGine my reaction when I saw it earlier today. Don't even ASK. WFT is going ON with this car roof anyway?? First the van itself. Then the tailgate party for one. Then this. Holy shit. I may have to go throw up altogether.

MUSCLE MAN

I sorta wished I were a man. And no. I don't have penis envy. I'm perfectly thrilled with my female parts and feminine persona.

Instead... I apparently have muscle envy. Which I guess would give Freud an equal amount of reason for deep psychoanalysis but whatever. Feminism notwithstanding, I just can't believe how much easier life can be for men on all sorts of levels. But in this particular case... I'm talking life being easier for men because of their: Muscle Power. I'm totally jealous of it.

Case in point: a couple of weeks ago I had a wonderful two day a visit with Joshua. My alltime favorite step son. He's actually 8 years older than my own son and I've known Joshua since he was about 4 years old. He's now almost 40. Gulp. Anyway... their father had PLENTY of muscle strength and apparently he's passed that on to his two sons. 

Plus... I just have to add that it was pretty freaky after spending years and years staring down when speaking to these boys, I eventually found that by the time they were in their early teens... EEKS... I had to actually begin looking UP at them. It's a crazy ass switch up, let me tell you. And it definitely put a glitch into trying to reprimand a kid who now stood way taller than you and who could almost pick you up and hurl you clear cross the room if they wanted. Although in my case that so could never happen. I may have been shorter than these boys, but am pretty sure I was heavier than they. Just my luck. But regardless...

By the time the boys were teenagers... OMG did they ever have muscles! You could see their strength right smack on their arms, their muscles getting bigger and bigger thus becoming stronger and stronger. It was simply incredible. Rarely would they EVER need help in moving furniture, TVs, mirrors, etc. etc. Granted I find women smarter, often more mature and/or rational in their thinking... and many times more kind hearted. But as far as physical strength? Oh man... the men have it way over me. And probably way over you, too.

Thus you can only imagine how thrilled I am even today, whenever I can ask one of the boys to do something for me that requires muscles and bingo. 1-2-3 they're able to do the task with absolutely no trouble at all. As in several days ago, when I needed Joshua to lift my major heavy class table top out on the deck. Turns out we needed to put the rug back under the table base. I myself could never do it in a million years. Joshua on the other hand? BOOM. He lifted that table top as if he were lifting a mere toothbrush. I just couldn't get over it! And I said so for about the next 23 minutes. I was simply amazed. It was like: NEED TO LIFT A TRUCK?? SURE. I CAN DO IT. JUST STEP ASIDE PLEASE.

Not only that... but were I to ever take the shovel to dig a BIG hole in the ground to plant my two potted hydrangea plants, it could have easily taken me weeks. Plus I'd be sporting a massive back pain like you couldn't believe. But Josh?? Man... he got that deep, big hole dug in no time, with as much ease as if he were scooping ice cream. I'm not saying he might have not perspired some, but still... his muscles allowed him to do these tasks lickety split. No huffing. No puffing. No panting. No swearing. No problems.

Ergo: my muscle envy. Geez... now that I think about it... I SHOULD have had Joshua help me move my bedroom dresser while he was here. I just BET that behind there somewhere is my favorite big black ring that I totally love and haven't found for over a year now. Or maybe it's behind the head of my bed whose mattress by the way is so heavy it once literally knocked me over onto the floor and broke my glasses. For my kids? Would have been easy as pie to flip a mattress. For me?? It bordered on life threatening.

So my bottom line take on all this is basically that no matter HOW many Wheaties I eat... there is absolutely no way I'd ever have the kind of muscles that men do. Not even my core training would help. Especially given I can work out with only the mere 8 pound weights I use. 10 pounds in each hand? OMG. I'd be a basket case altogether. Which leads me to conclude: Yes. Compared to men I may be way more emotional. Way more sensitive. Way more girly.


And apparently... way more of a weakling. 

ABOUT FACE

Believe me... I'm all in favor of improving one's face as one grows older. I did it myself actually and man, am I ever thrilled I took the plunge. The improvement has been remarkable, indeed. Notice I said improvement. Not: a totally different looking face altogether. And not a face that in fact even looks worse then when you started. Aren't you supposed to be able to at least reCOGnize the person when all is said and done?? Uh... I'm voting: yes. 

Which is why I'm utterly stunned at the new look on John Kerry's face. WTF? He should SO get his money back from his doctors. They ruined him! Seriously. See that picture of John up above? That's what he's SUPPOSED to look like. But after God only knows what procedures he's had done, he looks nothing like that at ALL anymore. EEKS. Actually, I frankly smell: law suit. Just saying.

My take is his doctors might have done a facelift alright, but even more, they also did Botox?? Restylane?? Juvederm?? Oh man... the list could go on and on. All I know is that whatever they did, John Kerry looks HORRIBLE. Not that he was any gem to begin with but whoa. What's he's sporting NOW is pretty much unacceptable, if you ask me. Here: check out his results and YOU tell me if you think this qualifies as "improvement". God knows I don't.

I of course had to listen to John during the entire congressional hearing about Syria yet I can only give you a lackluster overview of what he said. Why?? Because I was TRANSFIXED on his new face, that's why! OMG. I can't even imagine what the Senators must have been thinking to themselves while questioning this completely new looking Mr. Secretary. Chuck Hagel? Good. HE looks like himself. John Kerry?? HELP. WHERE IS HE? This so can't be him.

Except it was. Which doesn't bode well for his doctors, if you ask me. They appear to be the kind I'd personally run from. Have they never heard of the word ... uh... NATURAL?? Apparently not.

On the other hand, it appears that for now, John's questioning and subsequent House vote is all for naught given WWIII is temporarily on the back burner. Thank God. Seriously... this chemical warfare garbage pretty much can't be good if it is to continue. Which btw... has me in a dilemma, for sure. GOING TO WAR AGAIN?? Geez... I am way too war weary to even think about it. Although I'm also too weary to think of what might happen if we DON'T tackle this situation SOMEhow. Honest to God... the folks in the Mid East are out of their ever loving MINDS at this point. I just don't what to think anymore. Thus... I won't.


Instead I'm thinking that in just a little while Joshua will be here for a couple of days! YIPPEE. It's going to be great and I can't wait. It's also going to be great since I KNOW he at least will be sporting his REAL face... so unlike our freaky looking Secretary of State.  

PARTY OF ONE

Oh my God. Here I go again and I can not believe it. IT JUST GOT WORSE.

First I bitched about having my next door neighbor's disgusting van parked in his driveway every damn day of the year and NOW I'm ready to slit my wrists altogether. As if the van wasn't enough I JUST ABOUT FREAKED last Sunday when I saw THIS. I mean THAT. That up there in the picture up above. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? Now he's added A TAILGATE TENT?? Shit... this is getting major ridiculous.

I can't TELL you what an eye sore this is! I HATE IT. And I hate the guy who's doing this, too. I like the wife though, but whatever. In the meantime...

Turns out the guy's son has just begun college. Care to guess which one?? Time's up. CLEMSON, OF COURSE. Although I must tell you all this adulation to Clemson began decades ago when the first of three generations began attending the school. Apparently celebrating this school is first on their list of reasons to party hearty. Man... talk about obsessing on the mundane. Trust me... the van is this guy's dearest possession of all time. And now... so is the tent. 

I just WISHED I could walk up the the neighbor and tell him... GET RID OF THIS PIECE OF CRAP. It's totally unattractive. It's juvenile. And it's ruining my view of what happens to be an otherwise stunning neighborhood. In fact... the people on the OTHER side of his house are in the midst of selling their home. Were it me.... I'd tell my neighbor: YOUR BULLSHIT VAN IS KEEPING ME FROM MAKING A SALE. MOVE THIS EYESORE IMMEDIATELY! Of course I have no clue whatsoever what effect the van being parked in the driveway actually has had in sales, but it can't possibly be GOOD. 

You know how people hire hit men to do in folks they no longer want them around? I would HAPPILY pay someone in a minute to come and either key the entire van, blow out the entire engine or even shoot holes all through this monstrosity. Well... okay. Bullet holes are a bit much, but if someone ELSE ordered it, I'd be tap dancing all around the block but good. As for the tailgating tent... WHAT THE HELL IS HE THINKING?? And btw... don't think for one minute that I didn't notice the tent is set up with just one chair. Gives a whole new meaning to: PARTY OF ONE alright.  


In the meantime, I guess I'd be pretty damn happy with Clemson just having a total losing season this year. That ought to freak the neighbor out, for sure. Except already... they're two for two. Damnit. 

A TOWN CRIER

It's a few minutes after five as I begin writing this entry. Not the time I'd normally be doing it, btw. And, the only reason I AM doing it now is because I'm totally bummed with MSNBC. I just can't believe how they've completely screwed me and I'm so not happy about it.

As it happens, I pretty much have a great time line for my days. I get up none too early, I usually catch lunch with a friend, I do whatever errands I might need, go to Dr. appointments maybe, perhaps do some shopping, or do chores around the house, etc. etc. And... I get this all done so that by the end of the day... about five o'clock... I can unwind some while listening to the Chris Matthews Show at five o'clock. This pattern has worked beautifully for YEARS especially given that I can then easily move right into the six o'clock local news and bingo. I'm then all ready for the six thirty national news. It basically works like a charm for a news junkie like myself.

Well... it DID anyway. Now?? Now I'm so pissed I can't believe it. Wanna guess why?? Get this. MSNBC decided to take my favorite news anchor and all of an effin' sudden move Chris to the SEVEN O'CLOCK time slot!!! AbsoLUTELY screwing up my day altogether. I can't even believe it. WHAT?? MY FIVE O'CLOCK STARTING TIME FOR NEWS IS GONE? CHRIS MATTHEWS IS NO LONGER MY LEAD IN TO ENDING THE DAY?? And... if THAT'S not enough, who do they put in his place?? THIS JERK WHO I HATE, ED SCHULTZ. Oh man... so not my favorite guy at all. I can't stand anchors who shout into the camera exactly like Rev. Al Sharpton does, btw. ANOTHER guy I refuse to listen to. My take always is: Al thinks he's still giving sermons to seniors who can no longer hear, sitting way in the back of a church or something. I totally hate him and am STUNNED MSNBC would even hire this guy. Besides... he's not even bright.

Anyway, all this switch up began yesterday and I am telling you: I am so lost with what to do during the time I'm SUPPOSED to be catching up on five o'clock national political news. I'm like a child lost in the woods. I can't do Wolf Blitzer on CNN. I can't do local TV that early. I can't do sitcom reruns. And... I apparently can't do anything but want to slit my wrists altogether. Bottom Line: I don't know WHAT to do until seven when Chris comes on.

Besides... if I'm going out to dinner, I won't even BE home to catch the show. How will I know which Republican to hate? Or who's next in asking for a revote to rescind Obama Care? Better yet... how will I know what stupid assholey thing Ted Cruz is spouting today? My news intake is supposed to be FINished by seven. Not beginning. Geez. I so hate all this. By the time the 2016 elections come, I'll be ready to shoot myself altogether. 

All this kinda reminds me when my alltime favorite perfume at the time... Anne Klein II... was completely taken off the market without any notice at ALL. Thursday I could walk up to a department store counter, buy the beautifully scented perfume and smell delightful within moments. On Friday however?? NEVER AGAIN to be seen at counters, ever. I WAS IN UTTER SHOCK FOR MONTHS. Which is probably when I moved right on into Opium by Yves St. Laurent. Granted it cost 4x the amount of money, but frankly I still wear it to this day and totally love it, still. Anyway... that's not the point.

The point NOW is... I am simply astounded that MSNBC would make such a horrible blunder as to go through with this scheduling switch up. IT SUCKS. Much like Ed Shultz. I wouldn't watch this guy if you paid me. Soooo...


Now I'm at a complete loss of how to bring my day to an end. It's times like these, btw, that I only WISHED I were into martinis or crazy ass hard liquors. At least then, I'd be able to wind down like other people do. Get plastered, munch on nuts and chips and sink into a recliner for hours and hours of watching TV for the entire evening. Instead... I now have to actually find something LEGITIMATE to do at five o'clock as in heaven forbid... go to the gym and get on the treadmill. All I know is I see now that I'm giving a whole new meaning to the Town Crier. Oh I'm crying alright... just not all around the town. Instead... in my very own living room. Beginning at five.

NEED FIBER??

Oh man... what an idiot I am. As it happens, last night the evening just got away from me although where the time went, I really don't know. Nor does it even matter. What DOES matter is that I definitely learned a life lesson. A lesson about fiber, that is. And not the textile kind of fiber, either. I'm talking the kind that can rip your stomach to pieces in just one unsuspecting meal. Which is basically what happened to me. Don't even ask.

I can't even remember exactly what time it was, but all of a sudden, about 10:00 lets say, I realized I hadn't had dinner. Bingo. I was STARVING. Thus... I immediately sort of combed through my refrigerator for something great to eat and lo and behold what should I find but YIPPEE... my alltime favorite. Left over black beans. I had a dinner party recently and I probably made enough for 10-12, so God only knows how much was stored in the leftover container. Which basically meant: I could help myself to as many beans as I possibly wanted, to put all over the rice I had just made. And, I did. Ergo: after heating the black beans in the microwave and topping the rice, I had a fantastic meal to devour and adore.

On the other hand... apparently I've got big eyes when I'm starved because I just kept heaping and heaping the beans right smack on top of the rice until I basically had a portion big enough to probably feed any family of four. Next thing you know however... I sat down and downed the entire plate totally happy and completely full.

AND THEN IT BEGAN.

Oh. My. God. Do THEY ever know what they're talking about when they say beans make you pop all over the place. It was crazzzzzy. POP. POP. POP POP POP. I seriously thought my entire insides were going to explode! And.... if that wasn't enough, a couple of hours later when I did my yoga session... Holy Baholy. You have no idea. Let's just say that apparently yoga practice serves to expel every ounce of extra air and/or beans within your entire body. For a LIFETIME I'm guessing. I was in Black Beans Hell.

Jesus. I just don't know what to say. Other then... get this. I was also up THREE TIMES during the night to go to the bathroom! And even today... my stomach was churning way more than I wanted. All I could think of was that surgical procedure I had seven years ago for bowel re-sectioning. Can you even imagine?? Of course I didn't let any of this stand too much in my way tonight as I downed champagne and delicious cake at a celebration I attended. Although trust me. I bet I"ll pay for it later. In the meantime...


All I can tell you is that if you happen to need any sort of pretend colonoscopy prep, boy do I ever have a meal for you to consider. As for fiber being the secret to good digestive health... I now see there are two sides to the story. Eat a normal portion? Bingo. You're fine. Eat a mother load portion? Uh... good luck with THAT. And oh yeah... try to stay away from people for at least 12 hours. 

So now?? Now all I can do is pray I'll be fine in a couple of days so I can hopefully eat black beans all OVER AGAIN. I so totally love them. Pop or no pop.