Friday, October 30, 2020

WELL... HERE WE GO...


 So is everyone holding onto their hats? Everyone is gathering their poisons of choice? Everyone is rounding up their supply of comfort food? God knows I am. And, have been for 4 miserable years.

This time 4 years ago I was feeling pretty damn good. Polls told me I should. Friends told me I should. Political pundits told me I should. THEY ALL FUCKING LIED. Talk about fool me once.

THIS time however, I’m totally prepared for THE biggest scam on earth, should Trump win yet again. What have I done to prepare? Easy.

I’ve gone through my entire wardrobe to decide what to take when I move out of the country, should it come to that. And, it absolutely CAN come to that. I’m also grabbing a boatload of cash so I can comfortably settle into some nice little apartment somewhere in the world where English is spoken. Boom. Clothing and cash. Who needs more? Of course you should only SEE the amount of clothes with which I travel. Rest assured I don’t pack lightly. Nor do I run from dictators lightly. 

For 4 years I have had to see Trump’s face and hear his voice on every medium known to man until I want to vomit. Seriously. You know how they say there should always be just a little mystery going down when first you meet someone? Just to keep their interest piqued a bit? Yeah. Well guess what. Trump never got that memo. He has no idea whatsoever what it’s like to hold back a bit. Instead, he slams you over and over and over again with not only his face and name all OVER the planet, but also, with his bullshit whether it be on TV, at a rally, tweeting on his phone (you just KNOW he has no clue how to use a real computer) and everywhere in between. 

Which is why I am trying to remain calm. Trying being the operative word. I was a MESS before the first debate and was even more of a mess while attempting to watch it. Ever since then, I’ve come back to earth just a little but boy am I ever ready to hit the looney bin if the election results keep him in office. 

Part of my calming therapy for every national Presidential election, is to have a dinner party on the night of the ballot counting. I need plenty of people around to keep me grounded. It used to be that I couldn’t care for whom my guests voted just as long as we got to enjoy good food and happy laughter before we went home and settled into our favorite chair to await the news. NOW however? You voted for Trump?? You so aren’t on my guest list. Nor will you probably be ever again. Of course the dinner guest list had to be cut way back this year because of the pandemic, but it will still work out fine.

Which brings me to the picture up above. See that table setting? IT’S FOR TUESDAY NIGHT. Yet another election night dinner! Just getting the table ready was helping me to relax. As I’ve mentioned many times before, I normally like to set the table a week ahead of time, but today I switched things up and did it only 5 days ahead. SEE? I AM CALM, AFTERALL. Besides, I’m nothing if not organized. Anyway…

Because I’m basically a lazy shit, I didn’t even give much thought about buying some sort of patriotic items for my table scaping. Again… being so calm, I just decided to go with flow and wing it. PROUD OF ME? Since when I do merely go with the flow when disaster could be right around the corner? In the meantime…

I got all finished laying out the table and then I thought: OOPS. NOW what the hell am I going to do to make this look like an election night dinner? I have nothing red, white or blue, whatsoever! Uh oh. This so can’t be good. I was already thinking I had better run to my desktop and open Amazon and begin ordering SOMEthing that might work. Instead…I went to my entertaining cupboard and lo and behold what do I see on the middle shelf?

YIPPEE –KI -AY ! I SEE 3 BAGS OF SILK ROSE PETALS - the kind you’d throw on the aisle preceding a bride, let’s say- AND WHADDYA KNOW. ONE BAG IS RED. ONE IS BLUE. AND ONE IS WHITE! Already I’m seeing signs of a Democratic victory. Oh man. If only. Then, exactly how long you think it took for me grab each bag of petals and sprinkle them all over my table top? Think: seconds. Not that it stopped me from buying a couple of tall colored foiled sprays from Amazon, mind you. Those should arrive on Sunday, so I’ll see whether or not it’ll work out, but still… I’ll have options. YAY TABLE SCAPING.

Now for the menu. I’m thinking of a hot dog and bean casserole, macaroni and cheese, a beef tenderloin, and a broccoli and pasta salad of sorts. Oh yeah. Then I’ll grab a bag of Ruffles and make some potato chip dip for an appetizer. Sounds American enough, right? I have a friend who already ordered an Oreo pie for dessert which I’ll serve with ice cream and check, check… check, check check. DONE.

Now THIS menu should care of my anxieties, alright. Any one of these items btw, will totally carry me through my munchies as I watch the broadcasters on TV eventually tell me whether I’ll be on cloud nine or ready to jump in front of a bus. All I know is…

If all these stupid Republican idiots re-elect Trump THAT’S IT. THE UNITED STATES AND ALL ITS INGENIOUS CONSTIUTIONAL GOVERNMENT IS GONE FOREVER. They will have put in office yet again, a despicable tyrant to dismantle all that our brilliant forefathers created and I shan’t take it lying down, that’s for sure. GOT MEDS, WILL TRAVEL. My ancestors already escaped one autocrat; now I have to, as well??? Oh shit. Indeed it will be hell on earth.

And I won’t need to prepare and enjoy another evening of an election night dinner ever again. Instead, I’ll be serving a Meal of Consolation for all time thereafter. Jeez. I'm soooo screwed.

     

Thursday, October 29, 2020

HALLOWEEN 2020

 


See that costume up above?? I cannot TELL you how much I love it. Oh man… talk about blingy. I particularly love the boa wrapped around my neck. And yes… this is me! So up my alley. And, it’s about TIME I got to wear this.

It’s been in my closet for about 6 years. I bought it for Monica and David’s annual Halloween party... a party that I loved going to each and every year. Wait. Time out. Let me go back a bit.

The picture below is from when I went as a Grande Dame in 2012. All jeweled up, like some fancy society lady. Best of all… talk about easy! I went to my closet, gathered my fascinator, my fur sweater and a couple of my most extravagant looking jewels and bingo. I put them on all at once. NOW do I look like Alva Vanderbilt of Newport? Or Mrs. Astor of New York? Granted… THEY were too much of a true lady to throw everything on all at one time, but my thinking is: go big or go home. Got it? Flaunt it! Which is why I’d probably be thrown out of Caroline Astor’s list of Four Hundred (a topic I’ll address at a later time) lickety split, due to my ostentatious approach to dressing up. But who cares. I’d have been just as happy to hang with other aristocratic, elite losers on the list of 401. Uh… maybe.

Now THIS picture below was from a year later when my costume was even easier. I put on a pretty black outfit and just threw on this mask. Talk about dressing with ease. I happen to still have a boatload of these half masks that you simply put on and WHOA. Do YOU ever look different!! Sometimes even freaky. Best of all… absolutely no one knows who the fuck you are. It sometimes borders on disturbing, actually. And, btw… I totally like costumes that will not impinge on my eating ability whatsoever. Forget mingling with the guests. BRING ON THE DINNER. And trust me… Monica can cook!

Okay… so this brings me to Halloween 2020. FINALLY. I GET TO WEAR THE WITCH'S HAT WITH ALL ITS SPARKLE AND BLING! Talk about a match made in heaven.

First I bought the hat. I was sooo intrigued by it’s glittering look. Then I looked around the same store and whammo. I noticed the mask. Check, check. And THEN I saw the boa and next thing you know… my costume is complete! Check, Check, CHECK. I was all ready for Monica and David’s party! Uh… except I wasn’t.

Turns out… if you can believe this… THE PARTY WAS CANCELLED THAT DAY! WHAT?? I CAN’T WEAR MY FAVORITE COSTUME? IS THIS A JOKE? Sadly, it wasn’t. However, the cancellation was totally the right call. I can’t remember: either there was heavy snow in the forecast for that night… or maybe just major thunderstorms. Some weather event, anyway. Whatever. It didn’t matter. There was no way anyone was going out that evening. Hence… for 6 years this has sat in my closet. UNTIL NOW that is.

I am going to an early Halloween dinner at a friend’s home tonight and care to guess what I’m wearing?? Bingo. My witch’s hat! And all its trimmings! Thank God I never threw it out in all these years. It’s going to look excellent. Especially since this could very well be the last time I’ll ever get to don this incredible attire. If anyone ever asks you what it means to be all faputzed… SHOW THEM THAT PHOTO. It captures the meaning exactly.

In fact, just a couple of days ago, someone asked me if I had my costume ready. DAMN RIGHT I DO! was my reply. She then told me she always looks forward to seeing whatever it is that I'll be wearing... and I trust this year will definitely not disappoint. But again… who cares? I’LL love it and that’s all that matters, right? I know. It’s apparently all about me, after all. I may even have to work on that, now that I think about it.

HELLO? DR. SHRINK? I THINK I MIGHT HAVE AN ISSUE I MAY NEED TO ADDRESS. OH?? IT’S PERFECTLY OKAY BEING A NARCISSIST? THANKS! KIND OF JUST WHAT I WAS THINKING. I APPRECIATE YOUR HELP. I’LL CALL YOU BACK AFTER THE ELECTION WHEN IN ALL PROBABILITY I’LL WANT TO JUMP OFF A CLIFF AFTER SLITITNG MY WRISTS. TALK YOU THEN.

Oh and btw… this year, Trick or Treaters coming to my door in THEIR costumes? Will be a total waste of time. First of all… their costumes will suck compared to mine and second of all… there is no way in hell I’m opening my door to hand out candy to complete strangers wanting to infect me with Covid 19. Oh I’m happy to celebrate this holiday. But I just don't want to die for it. Third of all… I’ll get to eat the candy MYSELF! Yay sugar overload.

POSTSCRIPT: Are you kidding me?? You will never believe this! Sitting down? I just found out: THE PARTY TONIGHT HAD TO BE CANCELLED! Again?? This costume is jinxed?? Oh man. We had VERY bad weather last night and power went out, trees were downed, etc. On the other hand... it'll be a go for tomorrow night, instead! I hope. 

DEAR HALLOWEEN GODS: PLEASE DON'T SCREW UP THIS DINNER DEAL AND THEREFORE PLEASE LET ME FINALLY WEAR MY WITCH'S HAT. I'VE BEEN PRETTY PATIENT SO FAR BUT THINGS COULD TOTALLY TURN BADLY IF I MISS MY CHANCE. AGAIN. Amen.


HGTV

Decorate. Buy. Build. Sell. Renovate. Take you pick. You’ll find a LOT of these sorts of television shows on TV. And… I’ve been a sucker for them all. Beginning in the early 1990s with a show called ROOM BY ROOM with two kind of geeky hosts. I’d NEVER hire them to do my home. Then there was a show called DESIGN ON A DIME. Also hosted by geeks. Seriously. Even I could have decorated better. Their decorating abilities bordered on that of a 10th Grade Modern Design Nerd Final Exam Project. Hell. Give ME the bucks. Boom. I’ll give you a FAR better looking room than those guys. 

And yes. Like everything else in life… money talks. And, money decorates. Granted you don’t HAVE to have bundles of money to create a wonderful home but you have to have SOME sort of a decent eye for decor. Which is why the two shows mentioned above were kind of losers, if you ask me. Then… enter: Christopher Lowell. Also from the ‘90s. Finally. Someone with REAL decorating know how. His ability far outweighed the others. He was much more elevated in design and know how. In fact… I once went to a personal appearance he was making in Miami and bingo. Guess who was excited as hell to see him? Man… you’d have thought I was meeting the King of England.

I’ve decided this Christopher guy was a total game changer for all other shows to follow. Which brings me to the present day shows. NOW you not only see decorating shows but also… you see all kinds of buying, selling and renovating. THESE people are good! Which is why I decided I’d be a lousy interior decorator/designer. Most of the professionals talk to their clients and find out what sort of look THEY want. Me? I’d tell them YOUR TASTE SUCKS. I DON’T REALLY CARE WHAT YOU WANT. I’M GOING TO DECORATE ACCORDING TO WHAT I WANT. AND EVEN IF I DO A HALF ASSED JOB, IT’LL BE WAY BETTER THAN IT IS NOW. Bingo. I’d be off to the races. Or… maybe I’d be sued. You never know.

In any case, I’ve been watching a lot of these home shows lately just so I can tear myself away from all the political noise I normally watch on TV. I remember when I was about 50 years old, I used to say WHEN I TURN 70 IT WILL BE TIME TO UPDATE MY HOUSE, TO LAST FOR THE REMAINDER OF MY LIFE. Paint the walls. Replace the couch. Change the window dressings, switch up the color scheme, etc. etc. 

I said this mainly because my parents, at the age of about 65, moved in to this really beautiful home in which to enjoy their golden years, and they decorated it with almost everything from their previous home. Don’t ask. Within 2 years, according to me, they needed a complete do over.

So guess what. Here I am at almost 73, living in my house for the past 13 years and the bottom line is: what you see now is pretty much what you’ll see when they cart me away to the old folks home. Indeed, I maintain my home meticulously but I’m totally not redecorating. Well… maybe if I were filthy rich, I might but I don’t see that happening any time too soon. I do have the house pressure cleaned, have all the windows professionally washed, keep the deck stained and sealed, and… about 4 years ago I even laid down wooden floors in my bedroom to match the rest of the house. WOW. What a difference! Totally beautiful.

But… as for actually re-decorating, I am sort of having second thoughts altogether. The energy? The cost? The delays? Jesus. I can't wrap my head around even thinking about it! I had to replace my dishwasher a couple of years ago and you would have thought I was putting on an addition to my house when I saw what THAT cost. Oh. I could spend that sort of money on clothing and shoes without blinking an eye, but for a bullshit dishwasher? Whoa. On the other hand, after waiting almost 2 months before I got it delivered and installed, I decided it was WELL worth it. Enough of washing by hand, already!

Regardless, the closer I get to kicking the bucket, NOW my thinking is: why waste money on re-doing things when someone else is just going to come in and replace it all? Although I must say that when I replaced my family room couch 10 years ago, I had it custom made with the exact fabric I wanted. Uh… big mistake. The couch arrived and right away I knew it was a disaster. I remember telling my son UH… GUESS WHAT. OUR HOUSE NOW LOOKS LIKE BUBBIE'S DID 45 YEARS AGO. Plus… when he came home for Thanksgiving that year, he took one look at the couch and said: WE CAN’T HAVE COMPANY OVER ANYMORE! THIS IS WAY TOO UGLY. Uh… he wasn’t wrong. However, naturally the couch is still sitting in the family room, as you can see in the pict above. So not attractive. Plus, I even have the price tag still on the back of it, so if I want to sell it, I can easily tell the people HEY. IT’S BRAND NEW! SEE THE TAG STILL ON IT? I'LL EVEN TAKE $150 OFF.

Anyway… back to TV. As I said, I totally love these sort of decorating shows. EXCEPT FOR THE ONES WHERE PEOPLE ARE BUYING NEW HOMES! It absolutely drives me NUTS because these people NEVER select the correct house they SHOULD be buying! It never fails. Instead, they wind up buying the crappiest of choices and it will never look decent nor will it fit their needs down the road. Man. They are thrilled to no end. Me? I’m ready to put a gun to my head. WTF are they thinking??? Laying out another $12k over 25 years will cost them almost nothing in the long run and yet look what they could have gotten instead! It just blows my mind that sooo many folks wind up settling for such poor selections. All of a sudden the couple's brains fall out their heads. There's always a decision for a perfect one vs. a horrible one and every damn time, they select the horrible one. THINK, YOU IDIOTS! I know... apparently, I take these shows way too personally.

I also love when they buy the fixer uppers and wind up needing an entire overhaul of the roof, the plumbing, the electrical work AND the foundation. HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF SOMETHING CALLED INSPECTIONS?? Except… DON’T EVER say a bad word about my favorites... the Property Brothers! Absolutely THE all time best in renovating and decorating. I need to become their sister. Which is kind of funny because my brother, just like my dad, built homes! Talk about IF YOU BUILD IT THEY WILL COME. 

Excellent film, by the way! 

Saturday, October 24, 2020

TIMING IS EVERYTHING

This is going to be a somewhat delicate discussion today. Delicate being the key word here; could almost border on inappropriate, actually. Thus, if you’re a major prude… stop reading right this very minute!

BYE. WHO NEEDS YOU, ANYWAY?

Okay… so for the rest of you… let me begin by congratulating you on being brave enough to continue on. My kind of reader! Anyway…

It kind of began like this: I recently used the bathroom here at home. I know. Some intro, right?? In the meantime, however, several thoughts occurred to me while I was in there.

First of all, WHY DIDN’T I HAVE STOCK IN KIMBERLY CLARK?? OR PROCTOR & GAMBLE??

Man, could I have made a killing! I could also be painting the town red right now, living the life of REAL luxury. Wow. Talk about bad timing! Instead of living like a princess, however, I became a hoarder. Seriously.

You should SEE the rolls of toilet paper in my garage! You might choke from shock. But… you never will. Because not only would I be so embarrassed to show you but more importantly, you might ask if you could actually have a roll or two. UH… SORRY. NO, YOU CAN’T. I’M NOT SURE I COULD SPARE SOME OF MY 473 ROLLS. I know. I’m a shit at heart. Which is why I guess I’m being punished for not having invested in toilet paper companies to begin with. Even crappy ones… no pun intended.

I think I should add, btw, that EVERYone who knows me, knows I’ve visited more bathrooms than there are stars in the sky. I’ve embraced gas station ladies’ rooms so many times I could never count. Which not only makes me a bathroom aficionado, but certainly an expert in toilet paper quality, too. Which brings me to second of all:

See those rolls up above in the picture?? That is the actual photo advertised by the company from whom I ordered the toilet paper. It was during the hard core midst of paper shortages all over the country (don’t even ask to see my paper towel stock) and I was tickled pink to get them. WHAT?? 96 ROLLS?? COUNT ME IN! SERIOUSLY. 96! Afterall, my fear of having no paper supply borders on my fear of contracting the covid virus itself. Now mind you, this is as good a time as any to remind you there really IS only one toilet tissue product you should be using and I trust you know it well. I am a total pro at this, so if you don’t, then let me enlighten you:

Don't even consider any other. THIS is the one! Well okay. Go for the Ultra Strong, if you must, but you shouldn't.

Now… third of all…. and the reason for this post… is that when I ordered these 96 rolls… NO ONE TOLD ME NOT ONLY WAS IT COMMERCIAL GRADE BUT ALSO… IT WAS ONLY ONE PLY!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? YOU SUCKERED ME IN WHILE IN MY MOST NEEDY MOMENT?? DAMNIT! WTF AM I GOING TO DO WITH ALL THESE SUBPAR ITEMS, ANYWAY??? I NEED TO SUE YOU FOR FALSE ADVERTISING??? Another way to make a killing, btw.

Have you ever used a public restroom? Then bingo. YOU KNOW THE QUALITY OF TOILET PAPER I’M TALKING ABOUT, HERE. It is totally not for HOME USE! It’s for DESPERATE USE, ONLY. Oh God. I was soooo screwed. So… my solution??

EASY. Save the Charim for MY bathroom and use the bullshit ones for my GUEST bathroom! During a pandemic, why the hell waste my favorite for my sensitive little ass when I can easily pass the inferior ones off on everyone else! Nice planning, right?? I AM sort of kind, however. Whenever a guest uses the bathroom, I DO let them know: OH, BTW… I HAVE SUBSTANDARD TISSUE IN THERE. JUST SAYING. See? I’m not ALL bad. However... there is one little glitch going on here.

UH... GUESS WHO USES THE GUEST BATHROOM MORE THAN ANYONE ELSE ON THE PLANET?? Can you even believe it?? I've got 3 bathrooms here and wouldn't you know it. THE GUEST ONE IS THE ONE CLOSEST TO EVERYTHING I DO IN THE HOUSE! Cook. Watch TV. Use my desktop. Hang in the family room. Let my dog out in the backyard. EVERYthing. Talk about f'ing myself over. I can't beLIEVE I'M the one who wound up using so much of this tissue when it was supposed to be everyone ELSE. It's like I'm in a public restroom 12 times a day! Geez. Regardless...  

In closing, all I can add is the fact that YES. There is, without a doubt, a huge difference in toilet paper!! You like scratchy, coarse tissue? Boom. Go for the commercial kind. But, if like me, you like smooth and soft? Well… as I've mentioned before... there’s only one choice on earth.

CONSIDER THIS POST A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT, BTW! You’re welcome. 

SURPRISE!!

I love surprises! Happy ones, that is. I am so not into surprise phone calls about something horrible that has happened to someone I love. Like the time my kid called me to say he was in the hospital and was diagnosed with a blood clot in his calf. And a couple more small ones in his lung. WHAT? ARE YOU F’ING KIDDING ME?? ARE YOU OKAY? TELL ME EXACTLY WHAT THE DOCTORS SAID! I’M FLYING DOWN TOMOROW!

THOSE kind of surprises I can totally live without. But surprise parties for ME, let’s say?? Surprise phone calls?? Surprise gifts?? Surprise visits from people I’m crazy about?? Man. THOSE surprises are way up my alley. I love anything that makes me happy or makes me smile or even makes me cry from heartfelt delight.

And guess what? I had perfectly wonderful surprise last week!

It began with a phone call from my sister in law, who btw, I have known since I was 12 years old, given she began dating my brother while they were in high school. Both of them have been soooo good to me throughout the years not to mention loyal, supportive, generous, and loving. Even when my heart broke at the loss of my brother, my sister in law never failed to stay by my side when I needed a confident, an ally or just someone who would listen and offer advice. Now, whether or not I took her advice is another story, but for today, it doesn’t matter. Both were two of my biggest P.R. fans. Anyway…

Given the stress for everyone during this pandemic, a surprise can be mighty welcome. And mine went down like this:

I got a phone call from my sister  in law asking me “what’s a good day for me to bring lunch to you?” Uh… I’m free almost ANY day. Already I'm excited. And before you know it, boom. We set up a date. I was then told she was going to bring everything… there was nothing I had to do but have a pot of water boiling and a pan on the stove. And of course, a hungry stomach which is so not a stretch for me. Geez. Talk about easy. Thus I complied with a smile on my face, having no idea what sort of surprise was in store for me, as if it even mattered. YAY FOOD. YAY SOMEONE MAKING IT FOR ME. YAY SISTER IN LAW.

Next thing I know, the day of my surprise lunch arrives and sure enough my sister in law shows up with a package of goodies in her hand. And, we head right smack into the kitchen. Oh wait… a little background here…

Katz’s delicatessen in NY is my all time favorite deli! The first time I was there, I was 12 years old and my parents had taken me during my very first trip to Manhattan. While there was plenty to see and do in the city, the most MEMORABLE part of the trip for me was eating a hot pastrami sandwich at Katz’s. F the Empire State Building. The hell with Elllis Island. Big deal about Broadway shows. But FOOD?? Now THAT can easily be first on my list for ANY city to which I travel. And Manhattan did not disappoint. I totally loved it. Which brings me to my recent surprise.

We were in my kitchen, I closed my eyes while my sister in law unpacked her package and bingo. Next thing you know… I open my eyes and what do I see? A complete array of fixings for a hard core hot pastrami sandwich lunch from Katz’s! OMG. I was THRILLED. I was hungry. And I was ready to chomp down the most fantastic lunch I’ve had in a LONG time! Think: excitement and mouth watering.

Apparently what happened was, for her birthday last month, my sister in law received a food basket from her children and yes… the food basket was right smack from Katz’s!! Hallef'ingluyah! You can see it in the photo up above. EXCELLENT GIFT, RIGHT?? Like who wouldn’t love THAT sort of a gift? Plus… it came with corned beef AND pastrami, although pastrami with a lot of fat on it is the ONLY way to go, if you ask me. Trust me… I’ve eaten enough fabulous food in my lifetime to know all about this. Soooo…

We get all the goodies laid out, pop the packaged pastrami into the pot of boiling water to get it hot and within minutes my sister law is putting together the sandwich of a lifetime. The meat, the cheese, the pickles, the EVERYthing is ready to be assembled. I was like the little kid watching every move their mother made so they could then lick the bowl after she mixed the cake batter! Except I’m 72 and was just as excited.  

Well… do I even need to tell you how delicious this surprise tasted?? Think: OUTSTANDING. That’s all I can say. Just the sort of pick me up I totally needed to get my mind off the election for a happy couple of hours. Man. Was I ever a happy lady. Given I've been such a wreck over the upcoming election, lunch was almost as good as downing an Ativan. Keyword: almost. 

In the meantime… and this is totally true…  while you would think what I loved best about all this was the scrumptious food, I do have to admit even better than that, actually… was the fact my sister in law KNEW I would love this treat and made a hard core effort to share it with me!! For if the truth be known… while the rest of the world has a bucket list of sky diving out of an airplane or climbing a huge mountain or visiting the Taj Mahal, MY bucket list pretty much has one item on it.

EATING MY WAY THROUGH MANHATTAN.

Deli’s, pizza, astounding hamburgers, Chinatown, Russian Tea Room, Jean-Georges, Little Italy, ALL of it. Ohhh Lordy… if only.


Monday, October 19, 2020

DINING DELIGHT


Most of my readers know I love food. And usually, it can be anything from the crappiest junk food from a fast food restaurant to a fine dining experience at a high end establishment. I basically enjoy eating almost anything that’s put before me. My stomach is happy with pretty much any kind of food and my taste buds apparently are not all that discriminating. 

Well… wait. Let me clarify. Yes. I’ll eat most any food on the planet but I would never ever eat lima beans, black eyed peas, beef jerky, tongue or sweetbread… or any delicacies with insects, felines, etc. Yech. I get nauseous just thinking about those kind of items. But everything ELSE?? Oh man. I’m pretty much good to go.

Further… I have written often about my ALL TIME FAVORITE food on earth. You should all know it by now.

LOBSTER!

Not only is it delicious, but it is also such a sensual, epicurean delight. A close second btw, would be either a prime rib bone, a hot pastrami sandwich and/or french fries. But lobster always has been and always will be my No.1.

Which brings me to the picture up above. See that entrĂ©e? Guess why I’m so thrilled about it. Easy. I’M EATING LOBSTER. Oh Lordy, was I ever in 7th heaven. An entire pound of just lobster meat! It was a totally memorable evening.

Oh… not because I was able to dine on lobster, although as you can see… I was smiling from ear to ear. More importantly however, what made this such a memorable evening was…

IT WAS THE LAST NIGHT OF INSIDE DINING BEFORE ALL RESTAURANTS WERE CLOSED DUE TO THE PANDEMIC! Who the hell knew restaurants would be closed from then on??? Oh jeez. “Say it ain’t so, Joe”.

But unfortunately… it totally was so. (impressed I even know about Shoeless Joe Jackson, btw??) Anyway… I had no clue whatsoever that this would turn out to be my Last Supper. Believe me… had I known, I would have totally ordered 4 of these entrees and brought them home to eat for the next 2 weeks. Which really means: for the next 48 hours.

Regardless… I have not eaten inside a restaurant since. And that was almost 8 months ago. Have any idea how all this is killing my social life?? Not to mention my adoration of gastric pleasure? Even more… have any idea how much I LOVE HAVING PEOPLE COOK FOR ME? Think: ALOT. Which means: I have had to cook for myself more in the last 7 months than I have in the last 7 years, I’ll bet. And I don't mean just tuna sandwiches or cups of soup. I mean: REAL entrees! 

I hate grocery shopping, and even more, I hate cleaning up afterwards! Having someone serve me and then just letting me walk away with a full belly, is maybe the most self indulgent thing I can imagine. Seriously. I’m heavy into extravagance and I make no apologies for it.

WNTD: COOK. 5:00 pm TO 7:00 pm 4 DAYS A WEEK. WHITE GLOVE SERVICE NOT REQUIRED.

If only. Growing up, our housekeeper was always around for dinner prep and little did I know then what a fantastic concept that entire deal was! And… by the time my sister and I hit our teens, WE were the ones who cleared the table, loaded the dishwasher, etc. What? Child labor??

Which kind of reminds me of the time my mother told us we were to begin making our own beds each morning. Without missing a beat, my sweet, somewhat reserved little sister, with a scowl on her face, said:

UH, NO. Y0U HAVE SOMEONE MAKING YOUR BED! She’s  going to make ours, too. End of discussion.

Hence, I never once made a bed while living in my parents’ home EVER. Nor did I ever do a load of wash, btw. Yay my sister! Kind of a ballsy thing to say to my Mother but guess what? IT WORKED. Yay house help. Okay. So getting back to restaurants…

Finally… about a couple of months ago I began dining outside for lunch. I think the first restaurant I went to was a Japanese establishment. Oh Lordy… it was DELICIOUS and, a bit thrilling that I could once again have someone cook for me without my ever having to lift a finger, let alone without my having to do clean up afterwards. I was like a kid in Disneyland.

YES PLEASE. I’LL HAVE THE SCALLOPS WITH A TEMPURA VEGETABLE PLATTER AND A SIDE OF CHICKEN FRIED RICE. THANK YOU!

Boom. 10 minutes later THE most delicious meal was set before me. Who could ask for more?? I felt, for about an hour and a half, that things were back to normal! YIPPEE. Since then, I’ve been to a Mexican restaurant, a magnificent cocktail party with finger foods galore, a terrific sandwich shop, etc. and in between, I’ve done a lobster dinner take out from the country club a few times. Oh… and Chinese take out, too. It seems like I might be getting back on track once again. Only one glitch:

Winter’s on its way! Already it’s too cold to eat outdoors in the evening. And pretty soon, daytime dining will be a stretch, also. EEKS. Thus… there goes my dining outside for several months. WHAT? I’M BACK TO COOKING FOR MYSELF ONCE AGAIN? Oh man. I so hate that. WNTD: COOK AND LIVE IN HOUSE HELP.    

Thursday, October 15, 2020

YAY! THEY'RE BACK!

 

Wow. Am I ever happy!! I can’t even believe what a great birthday gift I gave to myself several months ago and am I ever thrilled I did!

I mean it. I’ve been missing this so much and finally, in honor of quarantining, and of course not being able to have a party… I bit the bullet and I did it. Again.

I BOUGHT MYSELF MY ALL TIME FAVORITE RED EYEGLASS FRAMES! For the second time, I might add. Boom. Another $1000 down the drain but I don’t care. I have missed my other pair for YEARS.

As it happened, about 7 years ago, when I bought my first pair, I was headed out to a fancy schmancy party one November evening. I was all dolled up and decided that maybe the red frames were a bit too causal thus I switched out to my tortoise shell pair, which was the exact same frame, but only a tiny bit less casual looking. Maybe.

Uh… only one problem.

That switch out was the last time I ever saw my red frames ever again.  Don’t ask. I was heartsick.

I went through my entire house, every room, every drawer, every coat pocket, every anything. And… I did it hordes of times. Nothing. Gone. Kaput. Goodbye red frames for ever and ever. Plus… I had my housekeeper, my sister and then again a close friend of mine come over and comb my entire house, offering a reward to anyone who found my glasses. A damn nice reward, too. None of us could find a thing. Ever.

The first year I was just plain stymied when I couldn’t find my frames. The second year I was just plain stymied AND sad. By the third year, I just plain stymied, sad then merely in acceptance of it all. WHERE THE HELL DID MY FRAMES GO, ANYWAY??? THEY HAD LEGS?? THEY SIMPLY WALKED OUT OF MY HOME?? Shit. I can’t wait til I kick the bucket so that when my house is ready to be sold THEN, finally, SOMEone is going to find them! The worst part of course, is that I’ll never be able to learn where they were found!

So 7 years later, here I am.. quarantined. FOR MONTHS ALREADY. I still am, kind of. I even missed having my birthday celebration last May and THAT alone was a heartbreaker. Which only meant: TIME FOR RETAIL THERAPY AND BUY MYSELF SOMETHING EXTRA SPECIAL! I’m a total pro at this sort of project, btw.

Bingo. While in the opticians office one day in April, I made a decision. REPLACE THE RED FRAMES, DAMNIT. Cost or no cost. I deserved some thing fantastic that I loved and wanted! Well, that didn’t take long. Next thing you know, I was thrilled with the gift I gave to myself.

You can see them in the picture up above! My glasses and I are finally, a team, once again! YAY ME. Of course the optician was probably even happier than I. No wonder. I had just bought 2 new pairs of lenses and frames a week earlier. How much you want to bet my order on those alone went right smack into his mortgage payments for the next two months. Needless to say… I haven’t taken them off since. Remember when Tom Cruise said to Renee Zwellweger "YOU COMPLETE ME"?? Well guess what? I know how exactly how he felt! Well… sort of. I’m not a total idiot, but then again, not far from it, either.

Plus... you should have HEARD all who know me when they once again saw these frames. YOU FOUND THEM!! I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU!! WHERE WERE THEY?? Which only meant: I had to go into a whole song and dance about treating myself to this birthday present. Apparently I wasn't the only one who missed them. And I do have to say... everyone was as happy for me as I was.  

So the lesson here for all us?? If you are over 70, like me (holy shit… 73 next May) GO DO OR BUY WHATEVER YOU LOVE. And do it now! Who the hell knows how many days we have left here on this earth?? At least go out knowing you love what you have and have what you love.

Hopefully we'll all be smiling when we get to heaven. I know now, I will. Especially if they have doughnuts and french fries galore.

Check this out... me, happy again!


 


Saturday, October 10, 2020

A PERSONAL CRISIS



The distress I feel for how our country is suffering right now is incalculable. I can NOT believe the destruction of our cherished government during the Trump administration and how it’s caused such hatred between everyone… including me. You vote for Trump? Uh… guess what. I hate you. I know, I know. I’m not suppose to hate the person; just their vote. That’s all well and good for fair minded folks. Of which I’m apparently not one. Oh, I can be fair, but I’m totally not an idiot. Thus, I consider anyone who votes for Trump, as immoral and indecent as he is. Bottom line: our country is in a major crisis, alright! However…

My PERSONAL crisis is every bit just as distressing. If not more so, since after all, it IS about me. And let’s face it… while I’m as compassionate and loving as anyone you’ll ever meet… when it hits this close to home, then yes. I’m forced to have to say: uh… to hell with you and let’s focus on me, okay???

It all began a couple of months ago whereby I went to three separate grocery stores to stock up on my all time favorite and beloved… Caffeine Free Diet Coke. I may have even written about this before given I am happily addicted to this drink of choice and have been, for 50 years. So much for all those rats that kick the bucket from ingesting too much saccharine or aspartame. If I’m any proof, then apparently you CAN buck the system, for here I am at 72, absolutely cancer free. Well, so far, anyway. Soooo…

You can well imagine my horror when I was recently told that there is an aluminum shortage, thus Caffeine Free Diet Coke in a can is no longer being produced!!

WHAT?? WHAT THE HELL IS THAT ALL ABOUT??? WHO STOPS CANNING SUCH A MUCH NEEDED STAPLE OF LIFE?? Forget toilet paper. GIVE ME CANS OF CAFFEINE FREE, PLEASE!! Cans being the key word, here, but more about that later.

Okay. So when I saw that grocery stores no longer carried such an item, lickety split I went to Amazon and ordered 4 trays of cans, 35 cans in each tray. Which means I paid $180 for 140 cans. EEEKS. I know. I’m out of my mind. But… I did so with pretty much a huge smile on my face nevertheless, knowing I’d soon receive my poison of choice. THANK GOD FOR SMALL FAVORS.

For afterall… yes, I COULD have bought Caffeine Free in plastic bottles in any store in town, but plastic is nothing I’d EVER normally consider. It doesn’t get cold enough. It doesn’t get cold fast enough. And it certainly doesn’t stay cold long enough. Believe me… there’s a REASON beer doesn’t come in plastic bottles! In the meantime…

This is where my beaming smile becomes a major frown. Yay. My order arrives. The UPS guy had to drag all these cans into my foyer because there is NO way I could have possibly moved 140 cans since they are SO DAMN HEAVY I’d have been in the hospital, in traction, for months! Seriously. I would have needed a fork lift. Anyway, the guy brings everything inside for me and I’m sooo glad to have my drink of choice once again back in my refrigerator. Talk about a Red Letter Day.

Uh… not so fast, however. Sitting down??

THEY F’ING SENT ME THE WRONG ITEMS!!

Turns out, the cans were regular, normal, caffeinated Diet Coke! Not caffeine free!! Can you beLIEVE it? SHIT. It was like being in college and you and he are in the throes of heavy foreplay only to realize you don’t have a condom! A MAJOR let down to say the least. In the meantime…

The cans WITH caffeine, I could have gotten in ANY grocery store in town!! I needed them withOUT caffeine. Oh man. I was so screwed, don’t even ask. Which only then meant: war with Amazon. Well… wait a minute… not necessarily with Amazon. Instead… with its 3rd party fulfillment and shipment company.

THEY were the ones who were nuts, because when I was directed by Amazon to contact the company directly, and spoke to the employee, a woman named Renee, she told me… are you ready for this???… well, yes. We sent you the wrong items and we sort of lied because we don’t actually HAVE the items you ordered, but if you would like to return everything, we will do it BUT… we will charge you $40 for the return.

WHAT??? IS SHE CRAZY?? HER COMPANY FIRST F’s ME OVER BY SENDING THE WRONG ORDER AND THEN MAKES ME PAY $40 TO SHIP IT BACK??? WHAT THE HELL PLANET IS SHE ON, ANYWAY?? Naturally, I’m seething at this point which is not all that difficult to imagine for those who know me. So much for patience being a virtue.

Sooooo…. After a lot of back and forth, I finally told Renee, in not so many words, to hell with you. I’ll settle this with Amazon. Which I totally did although admittedly, it took me four days and five people to accomplish this feat. Turns out that the fifth person I spoke to was FINALLY a lovely lady with brains, located in South Africa. I told her my story and she read through my entire file and bingo. I got my full refund!! Hallelf’inglujah. AND was told: forget having to return the Diet Cokes. Go ahead and keep it and just donate them to someone or some place and we’ll just call it a day. YAY ME. YAY SOUTH AFRICA. YAY AMAZON. Talk about mission accomplished.

Which is why you just gotta love Amazon. Oh. And btw, if don’t have Amazon Prime then YOU’RE nuts. While I always thought Google was the best invention known to man, a close second is definitely A.P. I could give up almost anything I have, but my Prime Membership??? Oh man. NEVER. Oh yeah… the last parting piece of information Ms. South Africa gave me was: be VERY careful about ordering from third party distributors. NOW she tells me.

In the meantime, you have any idea how badly I am ready to try this all over again?? I know. I’m a glutton for punishment for I am dying to try placing yet ANOTHER order for Caffeine Free, in the hopes that MAYBE some company can come through for me. Granted, I can’t help but think: will I never learn but seriously. I’d totally would love to try once again. Remember: there’s a personal crisis going on, here! I HATE THE PLASTIC BOTTLES. I will however, call Amazon first, and let THEM figure out whether or not I’m able to get the correct product.

Besides, I’m nothing if not persistent. Or… a fool.  Trust me. It could go either way.

Monday, October 5, 2020

WHAT? ME WORRY?



I don’t get it… the rest of the world is walking around as if nothing much is going on, basically whistling, happy as a little lark. ME?? Oh man. I’m like a wreck. And no, it’s not from my quarantining for six months, given I’m pretty happy staying at home and entertaining myself with bullshit. Besides, I’m out enough… a couple of times a week with friends, etc. … but I’ve got jussst enough laziness in me to stick around the house for several days at a time, busying myself with absolutely nothing of importance. Anyway… the reason I’m such a wreck, kinda, is:

HOLY SHIT. WHAT IF HE’S ELECTED AGAIN??? 

Am I the only one in the country freaking out because of this possibility?? Is EVERYone on the planet nuts?? Can’t they see that sheer horror can take place if he, who shall not be named, has another 4 years?? I can’t beLIEVE millions aren’t downing anti anxiety pills by the f’ing boatload. Honestly… you should have SEEN me the day of the first debate. I was nervous all day long and by 45 mins. into watching it and I was ready to explode. I had to turn the whole damn thing OFF. Seriously. It totally screwed with my nerves. My personality is such I’m rarely depressed, but man, can I ever be the poster girl for fear and/or anxiety. And who, more than he, can possibly be a bigger cause for a thumping heartbeat??

I also can not believe all the folks in my beloved democratic country are going to very possibly vote this bastard back into office yet again. WHAT ARE THEY THINKING?? They are in love with autocracy? They love the destruction of our separation of powers? They love immoral, unlawful behavior? They love personality disorders? Or…

Do we just have a country whereby the voters are just plain fucking stupid? Uh… apparently we do. Don’t even get me started on the reality of OTHER dictatorial leaders meddling in our election. Which of course leads me right smack into…

I’m pretty damn happy, God forgive me, that he’s tested positive! Everyone else is bemoaning the fact the leader of our country is sick, in the hospital, and maybe critically ill. Me?? I’m like tap dancing all OVER the place. I kind of consider his having come down with this horrible illness as a major shot in the arm to possibly bringing us all back to a sense of normalcy. And decency. And btw… talk about total pay back! Did you SEE him traipsing out in the car yesterday, waving at all his supporters while most doctors are flipping out at such a stunt?? That was SO not in his medical orders directive. I’m no doctor, but trust me. Even I know that when a COVID patient is hospitalized, they are to STAY in the hospital. Jesus… is there no end to his egotistical choices of behavior? 

How can ANYone feel sorry for our President when he felt no empathy whatsoever for the citizens of our country... or in leading us to a healthier, smarter path of recovery... when they were dying by the hundreds of thousands?? What the hell is so HARD about directing everyone to simply WEAR A DAMN MASK?? Sure. No one loves wearing one, but shit, we are in the midst of a major pandemic! Consequently…

Here we are, with many governmental leaders testing positive as well! It’s crazy, I tell you. Crazy. Celebrations. Nominations. Congregations. NO MASKS, NO DISTANCING. Were it me, I’d sue the lot of them for compromising my personal health because they chose not to listen to science, let alone to their own scientific health experts! I’m telling you… this man totally thinks he alone "can fix it" and he alone is a sort of God. Man oh man. What a sick individual. No pun intended.

Okay. So I could go on and on with this ranting and raving. It’s sort of in my DNA. However… in this instance, I have REASON to rant and/or rave. I’m totally AFRAID of this election. It could be the turning point for our whole society and I am tired of Republican voters imagining he is deserving of another term. I’m also on pins and needles, which now could be for weeks and weeks, until I know whether or not Biden has won. Which basically means: uh, yes. I’m kinda a wreck. Shouldn't EVERYone be??

I so wished I could be like all the others I know, who are living with their nerves pretty much intact. They are concerned indeed, but they are also pretty grounded during these next several weeks until November. I am so jealous of their ability to be calm and just wait it all out. NOT ME. I like to worry and freak out until I know all will be well once again. Kind of like when your child or loved is sick and you are fraught with distress, but instead, need to be emotionally strong and just get through it. Bottom line:

Yes. I am calm and deliberate and controlled during a crisis. BUT WHEN ALL HELL IS BREAKING LOOSE?? HOLY BA HOLY BATMAN. I can totally border on anxiety, fear and apprehension.

I know. I’m special that way.