LAND OF THE LIVING

Yippee... I've got a whole new start in life. And I couldn't be happier. Guess what?

BONNIE'S BACK!

OMG. You can't imagine how thrilled I am that she has recovered from knee surgery. And... halle-f-ing-lujah... SHE CAN DRIVE AGAIN. And walk again. And help me again. AND BRING ME BACK TO THE LAND OF THE LIVING again. Man. I'm totally thrilled like you can't imagine.

Granted Bonnie's not yet allowed to pick up anything heavier than a phone book at the moment, but who cares. And true, she can't do my grocery shopping quite yet. But she CAN help me do all my bills once again and fight with the people on the phones once again and figure out my insurance claims once again and God only knows what ELSE once again. It's just soooo good having my assistant back. We're BOTH on cloud nine.

Particularly me. Because... get this. For MONTHS now I've needed to do a hard core cleaning of my freezer. I needed to go through it, throw out all the out of date crap, rearrange all the shelves and totally wash down all the interior. Today was the day I decided: BRING IT ON. THE TIME HAS COME. WE'RE DOING THE FREEZER.

With Bonnie sitting in a chair that I moved right smack up to the door of the freezer, we went through EVERYthing and I'd say about 45 minutes later, my freezer looked practically brand new once again. AND... I could actually SEE whatever the hell I had in it! Who KNEW I had chicken thighs hiding way in the back? Or that there was cooked and sliced pork loin, enough to feed a family of 17?? Or three containers of frozen Guacamole instead of just two. Man. You just can't iMAGine how much food I had to get rid of.

Of course I saved every single one of the 11 half eaten party cakes that I froze after entertaining in the past year. THOSE I keep since you never know WHEN my sweet tooth may kick in. Coconut cake from a past luncheon? Boom. I've got it. Chocolate fudge layer cake from my BEFORE MY FACELIFT party? Yippee. That's there, too. White cake with white butter cream icing from my last birthday party? Bingo. It's in my freezer. I'm so telling you. I can host a dessert-only party any night I want, last minute or not... for the entire block! What could be bad??

In the meantime, what REALLY matters is that Bonnie is now back in the game. My game to be exact and she couldn't be happier. God knows... I can't, either. Yes, I made it through three months doing everything myself. Yes, out of necessity, I was a normal person there for a while. But with Bonnie now back in good health... I may not necessarily be normal but man, I AM happy!! Just the way I like it.

THE MAGICAL NUMBER

I don't really HAVE a favorite number, although I used to think it was 4. Then I decided I think I like 2 better. I have no clue why I love that number but I suspect it's because it always make me think of a couple. As in: two people madly in love. I have no idea whether or not these numbers actually ever BROUGHT me good luck, but regardless... I do love 2 the best.

However, today I think maybe I should change the number to 12. Get this... I was at the nail salon today which was good since man, did I ever need a manicure! And... this is the second time in my life that I had a MAN give it to me, given my regular operator was apparently called for jury duty. The guy does a pretty decent job, I must say, but trust me.... chit chat during a manicure with a male is way different than that with a female. Like it's pretty hard talking to a man all about... what else?? MEN. 

In the meantime what I loved best about being there today was that when I went to make my NEXT appointment, for two weeks from today... it turns out that particular Wednesday falls on the 12th. Of December. In the year of 2012. Which means: OMG... my appointment is for 12-12-12!! How often does THAT HAPPEN??? I totally loved it! AND... wanna guess for what TIME I made the appointment?? Why of course. I just HAD to make it for 12 o'clock!!! Which is what you see on my appointment card up there in the pict. This is just soooo great, if you ask me.

And, if you also ask the lady standing next to me, making HER next appointment. SHE was smart however. SHE made it for 12:12 p.m!!! WHOA. I COMPLETELY LOVED THAT IDEA. Which is why I naturally tried to copy her immediately thus told the guy... WAIT. I WANT 12:12, TOO. He didn't fall for it though, I'm sorry to say. I have to show up at noon. Although the lady DID tell me to kinda forget him and show up at 12:12 anyway. I love the way this lady thinks, right?

Which now makes me imagine that since tonight's Power Ball is for something like $14 billion, maybe I should run out and play the number 12!!! Can you even IMAGINE if I were to win??? Hell... in that case, I'd begin having all my manicures at HOME. And, my biggest problem would then become... at WHICH home. For believe you me... I'd have a home here, there and everywhere.

In fact, there's been several segments on TV the past couple of days talking all about the idiots who win these huge lotteries only to then end their lives altogether or get sent to jail or spend it on the most outrageously ridiculous things possible or... just show sheer stupidity in one way or another in spending the loot. Not me, however. Me?? First thing I'm going to do is call my accountant lickety split to set up revocable trust funds for every person I ever loved. And you can bet your bottom dollar...

I'm definitely making that call at 12 o'clock midnight.

I'M IN LOVE

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's great having your kid home. It's ALWAYS excellent seeing him again. 

Yet even better, he helps to get alot of things done that I alone can't necessarily do. But man... what was REALLY great was the solid for me the other day.

Turns out I was able to upgrade my phone for a mere few hundred dollars instead of many hundreds, given my contract was up for renewal. And, I wanted to get a phone that had superb battery life. Since my kid is an Apple guy through and through, he of course always wants me to do an iPhone. But I tried that once. Bingo. I had to return it like two weeks later given the Android's screen was much bigger. My eyesight has a problem, so my son was happy to help me figure out which NEW phone I should get. Trust me, we checked out a slew of them. 

After uh... about three hours in the Verizon store, I walked out a happy woman. I LOVE MY NEW PHONE. Seriously. It's a 4G Droid Razr Maxx HD and I'm so  telling you... I could almost swear it's faster than my desktop. It's soooo great. I'm like on cloud nine over this deal. And major in love. Best of all, the battery life is unbelievable!

Plus... I can't beLIEVE how patient my son was in the phone store, either. I mean.... waiting for the waitress to bring our drinks? He could go nuts. But hanging with the phone guy? Hell, take your time. No need to rush. 

In the meantime, my kid did all the finagling for me and even stood with the guy the entire time the phone was being all set up. I myself was major antsy so I went outside to take a break during the hours we spent there. Hmmmm.... about four breaks, if you really want to know. I basically said: HERE'S MY CREDIT CARD. JUST GET IT DONE, PLEASE. I'M GOING OUTSIDE. THANKS!

Bingo. He obeyed me. By the time I walked back in from my last break, yippee. My phone was ready to roll. I in turn was ready to play and begin downloading all the apps I can't live without. Like Huffington Post, Checkers, QVC, Fat Booth, HBO GO, etc. etc. I am telling you... the downloads took mere SECONDS. I was totally stunned. AND... THE SCREEN?? OMG... the HD is amazingly fantastic. Check out the picture I took with it while in the store! Not bad, right?? AND... GET THIS.

No sooner had we installed Skype than OMG... my nephew from Australia called us! WE SKYPED IN PICTURE PERFECT HD on this phone and none of us could get over it. The two boys grew up as close as brothers so they were both happy as little larks. I was thrilled for them AND for me. No wonder. I NOW HAVE MIRACLE PHONE.

So if I were you, talk to Santa. Beg him to please drop this phone down your chimney ASAP. You'll never regret it. Then of course... once he does... HEY, THIS IS CRAZY. BUT HERE'S MY NUMBER. SO CALL ME MAYBE.

TRUTHS

I used to be so smart. About lots of things. But especially about romantic love which for some reason I've been thinking about a lot today. And, all about falling in love, too. I'm pretty much a sucker for every angle of it. 

I've had plenty of practice with all this for indeed I've truly been happily in love a several times in my day. And for that I feel really blessed. But only once... did I REALLY ever fall deeply, madly, crazy ass in love.

Which is why it strikes me as so odd that even to this very day, and apparently not being as smart as I once was... I ache still for the loss the of that one genuine deep love that apparently was never meant to be. What's even odder is I sometimes forget all about the two absolute truths I discovered several years ago regarding love.

One: You'll never have to guess whether or not he's way interested in you. You'll always know it. Because basically... he'll make SURE you know it. 

Two: You'll never have to wonder whether or not he's fallen out of love with you. You'll always know that as well. Because THAT he'll make even plainer than truth number One.  

So it's pretty strange that while intellectually I accept that the single true love of my life will of course never be lived out, emotionally I have never yet been able to totally shake the feeling of disappointment he and I are kaput. That's nuts, right? In fact, they say that time supposedly time heals all wounds, yet I'm kinda thinking... bulls%$^. Especially now since at my age, my days are pretty much numbered. Thus, the countdown to time healing me is, as I see it, becoming shorter and shorter. That SO can't be good.

On the other hand... any love story, any movie about love and/or any love song... trust me... I'm already way into it. It completely knocks my socks off. I've read them all, seen them all and sung them all. Which is why I'm still very much a romantic at heart. I believe in love. I trust in love. I'd even lie for love.

I can't really tell you which book, song or movie is my all time favorite since to be honest, I adore so damn many of them, you wouldn't believe it. I've even cried over some too. And... of course laughed. 

WHEN HARRY MET SALLY was sheer genius in the hilarity department, but oh man... did Harry ever love Sally when he went to chase her down at the New Year's Eve party. Totally up my alley. And seriously... my eyes still well up everytime I see the last scene of YOU'VE GOT MAIL only because both Tom Hanks and I just KNEW ShopGirl was the authentic love of his life. And, those aren't even the classics, either. Oh yeah... go listen to Roberta Flack one day sing FIRST TIME EVER I SAW YOUR FACE and boom. You'll know what loving means to HER, alright. 

I have a theory btw. In my book... if you pass up on your one genuine love, you then probably pass up on life, too. For, to me... that's exactly WHY God gave us emotions in the first place: TO FALL MAD PASSIONATELY IN LOVE. Which btw, IS the strongest emotion in the human species. Second probably being the painful loss you feel when your said love slips away. Which naturally is why Valentine's Day is such a success. A MAJOR success I might add. Besides, you're SUPPOSED to live happily ever after. 

I sort of have to smile when I think about my own personal zest for life and love. Cause when you have zest, you always have a chance for falling in love all over again. Living on memories is great when let's say your parents pass away. When it comes to romance and passion however, it's all about moving forward and being guided by the truest joy known to man. And to woman. 

Which only means maybe it IS time for me to stop pining away for all that which has since passed. Afterall, truth can only set me free. As in: One and Two. 

Yippee. Maybe I'm not so dumb afterall.

OH SO THANKFUL

I'm pretty damn thankful this entire weekend. No wonder. MY KID IS HOME. How much do I love that?? It's just so great when he is around. Even though as we speak... he's taking a time out, screwing up our entire dinner schedule by sitting and watching the Florida/Florida State game in spite of the fact he told me ten minutes ago... OKAY. LET'S MOVE IT. Naturally, I got ready to do so, bundling myself all up given it's 39 degrees outside, only to find out... uh... he's rescheduling the departure time altogether since Florida just scored. Duh... I finally got the message and had to get all de-bundled.

Still... it's fantastic having him here, though. We had a simply delicious Thanksgiving Dinner with 12 of us gathering together and man, was I psyched about the stuffing that I had been looking forward to days before. I don't know what got into me... I was like CRAVING the stuffing this year. Anyway, I ate that and all the other goodies and let me tell you there were goodies gaLORE. I was in feast heaven.

Yesterday my kid and I spent what? Like three hours maybe at the Verizon store?? But it was totally worth it since... Yippee. Thanks to my kid's excellent knowledge of all things techie, I got a fanTAStic new HD phone and I absolutely love it. After dinner tonight, apparently I'm also getting an external hard drive. Naturally, not for me... but for him. However, who cares. I love seeing my kid happy. Which btw, he is right this minute given ANOTHER touch down just occured.

Anyway... we were outside a bit ago, staring at the GREAT job he did in hanging our Xmas lights earlier today. As of three years ago, I never in my entire life, had Xmas lights outside my house. Boom. My son, out of the clear blue sky, then decided one Thanksgiving, he's beginning a whole new tradition. BINGO. HE'S HANGING A BUNCH OF LIGHTS. He does a damn good job, too, I must say. Both of us btw, want to shoot the people across the street, since every year they seem to up the ante by going all out with THEIR lights. You have no idea. Today they added a whole new deal with these two beautiful huge lit potted plants on the sides of the front door. AND they even string lights all up the walkway to the front door. SO NOT FAIR.

Oh yeah... we also had to make a stop this weekend at Piggy's... our favorite ice cream hang out. Since when does he love mint chocolate chip, anyway?? I couldn't even eat my own sundae damnit... was still too full from Thanksgiving dinner AND the lunch that we had yesterday at my favorite sandwich shop. 

OMG... THEY JUST SCORED AGAIN. Don't ask what's doing with the cheering that's going on in the family room. Even I had to go check it out.  

In the meantime, I am just so thankful for soooo many things but I'd have to say... at the top of my list is my kid. I'd kill to have him living back home once again but a.) he'd throw up at the idea and b.) I'd have to stock all 17 of his favorite salad dressings in my refrigerator once again. So not going to happen.

THE KING

Well... this was a pretty spiffy week, if you ask me, which included, amongst other things... my TV debut with my plastic surgeon. I SO can't wait until 12/20 when my brief... but should have been WAY longer... segment will air on our local TV station. The entire deal was amazing. In fact, when I first walked into the station itself, I walked up to the receptionist and said: HI. I'M THE BRAND NEW ANCHORWOMAN. WHERE SHALL I REPORT?? To which of course the lady laughed with a smile saying basically: YEAH, RIGHT. The entire incident made ME laugh right out loud.

I got a major tour of the station, saw lots the TV personalities in a briefing room of sorts and then naturally began to panic that I'd forget all the things I needed to say on air. Oh yeah...due to technical difficulties, literally, we had to tape the segment twice; but that merely helped to ease my nerves so actually... it was to my major benefit.

In the meantime, I've also had company the past few days this week and had a great time. We celebrated their 65th birthday and we did it in style, alright. We even got to see LINCOLN which was sorta new given I can't even REMEMBER the last time I got out of a movie at midnight. Talk about feeling like you're in your 20s once again! However....

The real star of our celebration was probably last night. No wonder. We went to see THE KING. Kind of anyway. We went to a cover concert of Elvis Presley and do I even need to TELL you what a fabulous time I had? Holy Baholy. Probably my ALLTIME FAVORITE rock and roll, ever. There's a picture of the singing star of the night up above, at the beginning of this entry. Nice, right?? 

The guy who did the concert was not trying to BE Elvis. He was merely SINGING Elvis. And boy did HE ever do an astounding job! The theater was going nuts with delight. His voice was spectacular and the band was INcredible! All within like what?? 30 feet in front of me, maybe?? Oh man... talk about being in sheer heaven. Having front row center seats didn't hurt, either. It was kinda like a theater in the almost round, but I did get to stare at the stunning guy singing throughout the entire show.

When first we sat down, I noted right off the bat, a BEAUTIFUL woman, about 40 maybe... sitting in the first seat of the front row to my right... and pegged her as the girlfriend of the pretend Elvis. Man. WHAT a couple they made. 

I thought I would DIE when he pulled her up to the mike to sing DON'T as she stared into his eyes and glowed in his words. I would have too. Now THERE is a song that I'd kill to have the love of my life sing to me. And... when he sang AMAZING GRACE I thought I HAD died and gone to heaven. SUSPICIOUS MINDS, BURNING LOVE and I CAN'T STOP LOVING YOU also threw me straight up to the stars. LOVE ME put me right up in the stratosphere altogether.   

Anyway, I just can't begin to tell you how out of my mind I was during this entire performance. It was nothing short of magnificent. And mind you, I HAVE seen Elvis live, when he was at the Hollywood Sportatorium back in the 70's. I was just so happy spending the evening hearing some of my very very favorite music. 

Okay... so the guy sang his heart out and ended the show about two hours later. I wished I could tell you what song he ended with, but I simply can't. With good reason, too. Because... get THIS:

By the time the last song came around, the crowd was pretty much rocking. Including me, for sure. THEN... out of the clear blue sky... I look up and WHOA NELLIE. Right before me is the GIRLFRIEND! The singer's girlfriend!! And what does she do, but, whammo... PULL ME RIGHT SMACK INTO THE CENTER OF THE DANCE FLOOR WHERE SHE IMMEDIATELY BEGINS DANCING WITH ME ALL OVER THE PLACE. I'm telling you... I almost could have switched teams RIGHT THEN AND THERE. Well, not really, but she WAS hot. All I could think was: 

OH. MY. GOD.

It was crazzzzy. She and I were having the time of our lives. Needless to say... the first thing I ask her above the loud music is: HOW LONG YOU TWO BEEN THIS MADLY IN LOVE??? She tells me: four years!! Has GOT to be the best f'ing four years of her LIFE. And... she was a GREAT dance partner, too, btw. Can you IMAGINE?? Which reminds me...

This is the second time in about a year that some stranger and/or actor has come and pulled me right onto the dance floor with them. The other time was when I went to see THE BUDDY HOLLY STORY and the Big Bopper grabbed my hand and HE TOO started dancing all over the aisle with me.

So I'm sorta thinking there's a lesson in all this. First... go listen to some fanTAStic rock and roll. Second... get front row seats, I guess. THEN...sit back and wait. Who knows? Maybe YOU too will rock your ass off while you're dancing all around the room to some of the best music EVER.

Better yet... go with ME. We could BOTH be singing and dancing to our hearts' content. Now... THAT'S what I call living!

FOOTNOTE: For you know who. Just LISTEN to the quality of his clear, deep, OH SO S E X Y voice on this soundtrack. Kill me now. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ppm-eFrv0e0

SUNDAY = SHOPPING

So as I've mentioned before I've pretty much declared Sunday as the day I head out to the grocery store. Maybe Saturday, but not normally. Anyway, it is still becoming a real eye opener for me.

Case in point: had Bonnie ever come home telling me they no longer carry caffeine free Diet Coke I would NEVER in a million years have believed her. It's like IMPOSSIBLE that such a product is no longer to be found in this particular store. But, sure enough... THAT'S WHAT'S HAPPENED. For three weeks straight now, I've marched myself to the Diet Coke aisle and holy baholy... IT'S NO LONGER BEING STOCKED. WTF??

I can't even believe it. To ME that's like saying: SORRY. WE'RE NO LONG CARRYING PAPER TOWELS. What can these people possibly be thinking?? And, to find out... you can be SURE I've spoken to every Ass't. Manager, Manager, stock people, cashier, etc. in the store. Yada yada yada. They all give me some song and dance, but the bottom line is: no more caffeine free Diet Coke. It's gone forever I guess.

Which is pretty disturbing news, if you ask me. I have been a COKE fan for the past 40 years. I snorted it once in my life in fact, in my early 20s maybe, but gave that up lickety split. On the other hand, I do love to drink it. Diet Coke has been my chemical of choice and about 5 years ago I became a devoted fan of the CAFFEINE FREE Diet Coke. Now, they are FORCING me to switch teams and move on over to Diet Pepsi. Thank God I still get THAT sans caffeine.

Granted I COULD go to some other grocery store and get the Diet Coke but what a hassle that would be. It's enough I even get to my closest grocer as is. Drive an extra 9 minutes out of my way?? So not happening. Besides...

How else could I have possibly seen the guy in the parking lot who could barely stand, walking with his walker VERY SLOWLY and hop right smack into his way beat up crappy looking truck... TO DRIVE OFF!! I couldn't believe my eyes. This old geezer can hardly walk, but he's able to operate a moving vehicle?? Almost borders on Al Pacino, playing the blind guy driving the Ferrari in Scent of a Woman. But whatever.

On the other hand, I WAS able to discover that this store sells lobster tails and some great looking prime rib roasts which I'll need for my out of town company next weekend. Who knew?? I'd definitely trade in the caffeine free for THOSE goodies in a heart beat.

JUST DESSERTS

I so love poetic justice. Kinda like: getting what one deserves. Which is funny, now that I think about it... given that just within the past couple of months, I have actually had a situation whereby this entire concept came into play perfectly for me. 

Unfortunately, I had a little personal soap opera going on for a while but lo and behold... what'd ya know. I not only came out of all the crapola, but came out on top too! Yippee. Thus I pretty much feel totally vindicated and happy that once again, poetic justice shone down upon me. Trust me... doesn't happen often enough, if you ask me 

In the meantime, forget about poetic justice. Tonight I'm talking it's counterpart, so to speak. As in: just desserts. LITERALLY. Because get this. I'm soon headed out to possibly my alltime favorite kind of party... DESSERTS ONLY!

Oh man... already my mouth is salivating just trying to imagine what will be on the serving tables. I can almost promise you that I will bypass the puny little vanilla cookies, should there be any, and move right smack over to the decadent chocolate cakes and brownies. And, cheesecake and lemon pie. And, God only knows what else. Mentally I'm almost daring the hostess to serve me something that will knock my freakin' socks right off.

I'm thinking that I'm supposed to have actually eaten dinner first, before I show up at this party. But sorry Charlie. The desserts are damn well going to BE my dinner. Kinda like: key lime pie can be my salad. Chocolate layer cake with butter cream icing can be my entree and oh, I don't know... maybe chocolate covered date nut squares can my veggie?? THEN for dessert... I should only BE so lucky as to find cherry cheesecake! A huge, way oversized, fancy schmancy cup cake perhaps??

I know... I know. The best part of the party SHOULD be enjoying all the other couple dozen guests and mingling and chit chatting with them. All of which I will in fact be doing... but for ME?? The main draw is definitely going to be: just the desserts. Now... if they happen to serve champagne along side all this?? WHOA. A NIGHT IN SHEER HEAVEN.

Indeed, I will miss the host and hostess who are returning to Florida for the winter. And, I'll be really thrilled when they return once again next Spring. But... for NOW?? All I can say is THANK YOU LINDA AND PERRY for this absolutely wonderful Good Bye Evening. Maybe upon your return you can consider a LobsterFest?? Now THAT would be sweet.

I'M GONNA BE FAMOUS!

Oh man... I can't even believe this. FINALLY. My 15 minutes of fame is apparently on the horizon! Well, okay. More like 15 seconds, but who's counting. Matters not for it's going to be great, regardless.

So last night, out of the blue I got an email from my plastic surgeon. Whom I love dearly and for whom I would do almost anything. So when he described his proposition to me, I WAS ON BOARD WITHIN A HEART BEAT. Get this...

Dr. Harley is going to do a couple of very brief interviews on our local TV station. I of course already told him they need to be way longer, but whatever. In the meantime, the first interview will be all about his Biltmore Lift procedure which basically takes crappy looking people like me and then recreates them into the most shockingly improved, almost very pretty faces you ever saw. I'm living proof, as you well know.

So... the proposition Dr. Harley had for me was: if he does the first interview by himself, would I be interested in doing the second interview WITH him?? OMG. CAN YOU EVEN IMAGINE MY REPLY?? SIGN ME UP. IMMEDIATELY!! This is soooo up my alley.

Apparently I must be the most DRASTICALLY improved face in his practice, for believe me... there are zillions of other people he could have considered. However, Dr. Harley felt I would fit the bill just fine since he finds my personality just the right fit for TV. Let alone for promoting his genius like work. Which believe me, I shall do with sheer PLEASURE. I've raved about this guy ever since my very first consultation.

Anyway... all I know is that a week from Friday, I shall join him at the TV station, sit down and give a three minute interview reiterating all my accolades of the doctor and his procedure... from the patient's point of view. Which I figure should be pretty easy. I'll merely look into the camera, put on a smile and simply say:

HEY... YOU'VE GOT A CRAPOLA LOOKING FACE?? NO PROBLEM. CALL DR. HARLEY IMMEDIATELY AND LET HIM MAKE YOU STUNNING. I DID AND I'VE BEEN ON CLOUD NINE EVER SINCE. NO PAIN. NO PROBLEMS. NO REASON TO WAIT. Boom. Done. That just about covers all the bases, don't you think?

I'm pretty psyched about all this, I must say. I'll probably need heavy meds to calm my nerves, but who cares. I'm with a doctor! Who by the way, I can only pray doesn't hog my air time. HE can be on TV any damn time he wants. I on the other hand, get only a one shot deal.

Besides, I have yet to see my face plastered on every billboard in the city, so I can't really count on THAT venue for my becoming famous. Instead, I'll have to depend upon my local TV station to do the trick. And, yes... I've notified every human being I've ever spoken to, to be on the lookout for this infamous interview. What a life, huh??

IS THIS NORMAL??

So today I was pretty busy. Busy doing something I have been wanting to do for for over two years. As in: Go through my closet. Particularly... go through my black pants and my solid black tops, to weed out the undesirables, so to speak. Thus making things way less cramped.

For years... I have basically color coded my entire closet. Which by the way... I should also mention was one of three main reasons I bought my house in the first place. For the first time in many years, I now have a closet that actually fits all my clothing, which I will admit... is a wardrobe that could easily clothe at least 5 women beautifully. THUS I WAS THRILLED WHEN I SAW THE CLOSET SIZE. It measures 14 feet long and 6 feet wide. You'd think it would be large enough to house all my clothing, right?? Yeah... well guess what... NOT NECESSARILY.

There is about 12 feet of double rods on each side of the closet, double shelving above each rod, about 4 feet of shelving behind the door and then... I had additional shelving built, up against the back wall. Don't even ask.

Yet in spite of this wonderful space just how long you think it took me to fill it with all my clothes, accessories, shoes, handbags, hats, jewelry, nightgowns, etc. etc.?? And, that's not even counting my COATS which I keep in the hall closet. Oh man... I'm totally out of my mind. BUT... I'm also well dressed. So go figure. In the meantime, I have combed through the closet several times in the past six years, TRYing to shed all the unneeded apparel.

Lotta good that did me. BUT TODAY... today's task was to go through the 53 black tops I have. I already went through the 34 pairs of black pants. Unfortunately, when all that was said and done... I was able to discard only about 4. The tops on the other hand... whole other story. 

I LOVE MY BLACK TOPS. You can see them up above, all hanging on a garment rack which I rolled into my bedroom so I could REALLY carefully consider each. STAY OR GO?? I was able to get rid of about 15 tops, maybe. AND THESE aren't even the 10 black tunic tops I have hanging on the other side of the closet!! Nor does this include the 15 black PRINT tops I have, either. ALL HELL IS BREAKING LOOSE IN MY CLOSET. So... back to my original question: IS THIS NORMAL???

Don't answer. I already know. F*$# NO THIS ISN'T NORMAL.

But, it does make it pretty easy to dress for any occasion and to pull an outfit together 1-2-3. And to look pretty damn decent every time I walk out the door. Thank GOD my mother isn't here to see this.

Mainly because these shirts in the picture above are only the BLACK ONES. Doesn't even account for the WHITES, REDS, PINKS, BLUES, YELLOWS, GREENS, and BROWNS... all of which are next in the color coded line of hangers. Oh man... I am soooo outta my mind. I know... it's major crazy ass... but I can't help it. I'm almost sure my Mother would tell me I'm way over the edge in terms of a needed wardrobe. My explanation however would be:

But Mom... I need light weight, heavy weight, dressy, casual, fancy fabric, everyday fabric, long sleeved, 3/4 length sleeve, round neck, vee neck, waist length, hip length... you name it, I need it. And uh... apparently I've got it.

So yippee. I AM making headway. Sorta. Which now only means: in a few weeks from now, I better then go through the OTHER two closets I have in the other bedrooms. Man... I SO have got to get these surplus garments to a woman's shelter lickety split. Or... buy a new house. Talk about separation anxiety.

YESTERDAY I WAS OLD...

Today I'm fat. I SO LOVE THIS! These apps keep me so busy and so hysterical that it's crazy. Can you beLIEVE this pict?? It's like I gained 300 pounds overnight!!

Oh man... I so wished they'd make more apps like this. Actually today I downloaded a new one...  the UGLY APP... so I suspect that pict will be showing up any day now. Can you even imagine what a combination of old AND fat would look like?? OMG... I'm laughing my ass off as we speak.

I know. I know. Most people are downloading the weather, news, movie, whatever apps, but ME? I'm way into the funny and freaky looking ones. Speaking of which, I sent the picture of the old me to my kid... his reply was that he hates these deals. WHAT?? ARE YOU KIDDING?? HOW COULD ANYONE HATE THEM?? They keep me happily occupied way more than I'm  embarrassed to admit.

Now... if only I were high while doing all these. Then I'D really be rolling on the floor. Although I'm tickled plenty as is, believe me. A few years ago, I did a deal on Facebook that showed what I looked like as a high school graduate in about 10 different decades. IT WAS FANTASTIC. They were CRAZY looking. You can only imagine what THOSE picts were like. Me as a graduate in 1950?? 1970?? 2000?? Etc. Etc. You should SEE those hairdo's they put on me.

So all I can say is... for now.... I apparently have to go on a diet pretty quickly and lose my 300 pounds. Mainly because I SO don't want to have to pay for two seats on an airplane. Which they DO make you do if you're obese, btw. Speaking of which... a long time ago I wrote a blog entry about the laugh of a lifetime that I had when I was with my sister at a doctor's visit. The doctor had the NERVE to look at my body mass ratio deal and actually DEEM me obese!! WE BURST OUT LAUGHING given yes... I'm a bit chubby. Okay. I'll buy into that. But OBESE?? Absolutely no way whatsoever.

When THAT happens, I'll be the first to upload a shot of me as a WalMart shopper, I promise. Now THOSE pictures are just plain f-ing freaky! What ARE they thinking when they leave the house, anyway??