Friday, May 26, 2017


Oh my God. I can’t even tell you how utterly disGUSTed I was earlier today. I totally wanted to throw up and believe you me… were I all alone in the house I certainly would have.

I had just awoken from a very long nap… didn’t sleep well last night but whatever… and I immediately walked into the kitchen to naturally grab a Diet Coke and begin marinating some chicken breasts. Thereupon I sorta noticed a huge something on my kitchen counter but really didn’t give it all that much notice given I was REALLY looking at the defrosted chicken next to my sink. And right then… in walks my kid.

VERY nonchalantly, with my back to him and to this humongous “thing” I happened to basically say… HEY. WHAT’S THE DEAL WITH THAT THING ON THE COUNTER. Bingo. I went crazy. His reply to me?? Sitting down??



IT’S NOT A BIG DEAL! I’M JUST DEFROSTING IT. AND BESIDES… THERE’S ALSO ONE IN THE REFRIGERATOR. At that little tidbit, I wanted to puke on him, on me, on the bone, and on my kitchen floor. Holy shit. Turns out… I don’t do well with dead body parts the size of Montana. Or Rhode Island. I don’t care WHAT the size. Soooo disgusting!

Next question from me of course was: WHY? My kid had a pretty good answer, I must admit, but still. I was totally SICKENED by all this! And oh yeah… I made him cover it all up with aluminum foil IMMEDIATELY so I didn’t have to view any part of this crapola. Turns out… given his job of assisting in orthopedic surgies, he wanted to “practice” his skill at doing sutures and apparently… practicing on bones of dead pigs is an excellent way of doing it. F’ING KILL ME NOW. Seriously… I can’t even TELL you how nauseated I was by this entire incident.

Who the hell brings this kind of thing home anyway?? To MY home no less! I am telling you… I was this shy from running to grab an Ativan so my heart would stop pounding. I mean it… I don’t even look at my own X-ray’s when at the doctor’s. It’s HIS job to view them. Not mine. Anyway...

Tomorrow my next question to my kid has GOT to be: WAIT. ARE YOU TELLING ME YOU’RE GOING TO BE CUTTING THIS LEG BONE IN HALF SO YOU CAN THEN PRACTICE DOING THE SUTURES??? IN MY KITCHEN??  Oh man… how much you want to bet THAT is never going to happen??

Just reliving this little story is making me sick all over again. I’d LIKE to say I’ve seen my last time of ever eating steak bones or even pork ribs, but sad to say… I doubt that will ever happen. Unless of course I just stick with the steak bone but frankly… THIS bone I had on my counter? Was totally close to being the size of a cow’s leg.

Monday, May 15, 2017


So last night I was playing around with some face apps on my phone. Or maybe it was with my iPad. I can't remember. In any case, I downloaded an app and then lo and behold you could do a bunch of things to make your face look like someone else's. CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS?? I am now Melania Trump!!! I am telling you... I can not stop LAUGHING!! I think this is the most hilarious thing I've ever seen. Can you even imagine??? 

Apparently the app takes your face and after you do some playing around with sizing and placement, I guess it transposes it onto another face you have in your photos and bingo. You look like that picture! Case in point: these are basically my ears, my earrings, my chin, my teeth, my cheeks, etc. etc. but then after some aligning, they added Melania on top of me. The app even finagled with my glasses. SO GREAT.

Frankly I never found Melania to be so damn beautiful as Donald seems to think. I hate her pasty expression... it never seems to change no matter how many photos you see of her. I guess I would opt for her figure for sure but to imagine that her husband might have to touch my body makes my skin crawl. On the other hand... I bet they're not having all that much sex anymore anyway so okay. I'll force myself to live in opulence if need be. Or not. Even that trade off could be a total turn off now that I think of it.

I still love this app, however.

In the meantime... EEEKS. THIS IS THE WEEK. Once again I have a birthday (thank God) and while I am thrilled to have been on this earth for 69 years what REALLY freaks me out is that NEXT year I will be 70!! Uh... God willing. Yet willing or not... 70 IS OLD AS SHIT and for the first time in my life I can see already that I will have a pretty difficult time with an age number. For in the end, it only points to one thing... my days here on Earth are shrinking by the minute.

Yes, I've been pretty lucky to have had a really wonderful life on every level you can think of. I don't even have anything on my Bucket List that I simply COULDn't live without. Instead what REALLY upsets me is... get this... all the fantastic food I will never again get to eat!! THAT I will miss almost more than anything. I know. It's totally sick of me to think this way but I can't help it. No more lobster?? No more chocolate?? No more prime rib?? NO MORE FRENCH FRIES?? Oh God... say it ain't so. Man... no doughnuts. No pasta. No hot dogs. No Greek salad with a gyro? Who the hell wants to do away with THAT? Unless of course a major feast awaits all of us once we get to Heaven. If only. In the meantime...

Here is a picture of what I actually look like at 69. 

I know. Far from Melania but as I say each year... things could be worse, I guess. Yeah, I'm not 16 anymore nor 29 and not even 45. But other than my damaged belly and droopy breasts I guess I can learn to live with my appearance. Uh... what choice do I have anyway? Trust me... I've seen plenty of other 69 year olds and I wouldn't trade places with them in a million years. The best part about being my age however is the fact I got here with no major freaky health problems at all!! Hallefuckingluyah. For that I am tremendously grateful!!

Perhaps as a birthday present, Trump is pretty much getting closer to being ousted. Now THAT would be a gift like none other. As I listened to MSNBC all night tonight it appears this man is definitely fucked and I can not tell you how much I am enjoying watching him and his White House spiral out of control. Granted... Melania may not be getting off on it but you so can be SURE I am. 

In closing here a picture of me in what I imagine I would look like Victorian days. I love this shot! Especially since I would have loved to have known Queen Victoria. She's by far my favorite queen. Man. How much fun am I having with this deal! Can keep me busy for days. 

Freaky... right??

Tuesday, May 9, 2017


Man... am I ever happy I can flee this crazy ass country any damn time the Republicans drive me out of my ever lovin' mind. Which could totally be any day now. Just what enables me to flee so easily?? YIPPEE. MY NEW PASSPORT!! I can't TELL you how thrilled I am to have it.

I've had a current passport ever since I was 16 years old. Well... except for the last couple of years, anyway. I kinda let time slip away from me and boom. Next thing you know, mine expired. I think they are good for 10 years and you should only SEE what my picture looked like 10 years ago. Talk about wanting to throw up. Besides.... nowadays they won't even let you wear glasses in your photo.

When I was 16... wait... maybe 17 but whatever, I went to Europe for the very first time. It was 2 month trip for about 25 high school girls from all over the country, whose parents were kind enough to ante up the monies for a major first class vacation. I was naturally too old by then to go to summer camp so all I know is my sister came home one day, told my parents she wanted to go on this tour with her close friend Sue and next thing you know, my bags were packed as well. Could totally have been one of THE most fabulous trips I ever took. Luxury all the way and you know how I love being treated like royalty!

Oh yeah... my other favorite trip was when I went to Mexico for 2 months via my university's partnership with Universidad de las America in a city called Puebla. The total opposite of luxury but equally fantastic nevertheless. No wonder. My two best friends... Mike and Tom... and I were stoned the entire time on Mexico's amazing pot. But that's another story altogether.

Suffice it to say that most people have their passport ready at all times given you just never know when you want to take off for some foreign vacation spot. Or... to escape brutal dicators, even. In my current situation I'm beginning to think I may someday need to not only get the hell out of Trump's regime but now... even more importantly... need to get out just to find decent medical coverage! I mean... really? 

Pregnancy is now a pre-existing condition?? Are you f'ing kidding me? I don't care WHAT friends have told me... our country is now officially becoming the total piece of s*** I always said it would be, the day Trump was elected. Even France butched up and voted in favor of decency. My God. I still can't believe Donald refused to shake Angela Merkel's hand. Anyway...

As you can tell from the picture above, I am enjoying the freeing possibility that if I decide to leave the U.S. until we elect someone who actually believes in decency and honor rather than corruption and out and out lying to me, I totally can. Leaving the country for a mere vacation btw, is pretty much out of the question given I am so not into airport/airplane terrorism. Mandatory bolting on the other hand, is pretty much my reason of choice.

And speaking of travel... the next item on my list is to hit the TSA Pre Check agency so that I can become amongst the lucky fliers who can then bypass the horrible lines at airport security boarding checkpoints. It's really kinda cool. You go to the agency, enroll in the program and bingo. You can then fly right smack past the hundreds of other passengers waiting in VERY LONG LINES to get through security. I SO HATE those lines! In the meantime....

This is all pretty ironic given I love nothing better than staying put right here in my sweet little home town for ever and ever. Which is the total dilemma I have regarding my fleeing The Donald. I'm thinking maybe I'll hold out for impeachment, but that is so never going to happen. The congressional Republicans would NEVER consider doing this, trust me. As for those who voted for him btw... go to hell is my mantra to them. Anyway...

EVERYone should have a valid passport, flee or no flee. Besides... even if you are on a pleasure cruise departing from an American port, you so could find yourself unable to disembark on daytime stopovers in Canada, Jamaica, Mexico, etc. etc. Not to mention that should you ever find yourself at an American Embassy for help, the first thing they'll ask to see is your passport. In any case... renewing my passport has been on list of THINGS TO DO for a loooong time and yippee, yippee. I can now check this off my list. Meaning:

Anyone who might invite me to their destination wedding is someone to whom I can now say: I'll be there!! Well... as long as it's within a 30 mile radius of my house, that is. All other destinations are totally up for grabs nowadays. Ahhh... if only I were still young and foolish. And of course... unafraid of being brutally killed.   

Monday, May 8, 2017


Celllll -a-brate good times... come on! Thank you Kool and the Gang, btw, for that happy little tune. Which actually is a wonderful way to begin a fun party with friends and family. Which is exactly what I did a few weeks ago in honor of my kid.

As you may know, I am over the moon that my son left Miami last August and decided to live in a place where life is soooo much better for one's soul, ease of life and yes, even your pocketbook. I should know. I've been living here for 15 years now and believe you me, I've never looked back. But to have imagined my kid too, would one day be here, puts me way over the moon. The delight I have in knowing I can see him any damn time I want is totally fantastic. Not to mention my no longer having to hop an airplane, go through security and visit the warmest city on the planet to visit him.

What is even more fantastic however is: a couple of months ago,he has passed his NC Board Exam for Physician Assistant and yippee, yippee. He's now about to begin working for a major sports medicine/orthopedic surgical office about 20 minutes away from my house! OMG. How lucky could I possibly be for such a happy turn of events! Who knew he'd kiss my much hated Florida goodbye and wind up in my beloved Smokey Mountains? Talk about making a great decision! Besides... his having hospital privileges and the ability to write scripts is totally excellent music to my ears. 

In the meantime... we recently decided to celebrate this new job with fun and feast by hosting a Sunday brunch. My alltime favorite brunch, btw. It's almost like: which am I more excited about? My son's new position or enjoying an exceptional buffet of scrumptious food. There was 22 of us in total and I do have to say we all had a fabulous time. We had a private room which was pretty interesting since the night before, when my kid and I went to set up the place cards and party favors, we could see right off the bat the table arrangement had to be switched up lickety split. The original arrangement was not working for us at all, but soon enough we had it straightened out and bingo. We got to work on placing the favors at each table setting.

Speaking of which I so loved what I did for the favors. It was nothing fancy at all and so something a second grader could easily do but what the gave one a clue as to what the celebration was kinda all about. Uh... in case a guest was an idiot and didn't know already. Besides, I was way too lazy to go all out do some remarkable tablescaping but I totally think that's just a result of my old age. Further... the country club had flowers, etc. to spruce up the table so things looked perfectly festive enough. That being said... 

First of all, I bought these baby little plastic cup holders with covers which I filled with orange Reece's Pieces and printed out a great small card to attach to each one saying: Take two and call me in the morning. I even put an Rx logo on it and frankly, if I say so myself... it put us all in the mood to have fun. 

The next thing I did was take plastic syringe shooters like the ones up above in the picture, and instead of filling it with liquor, like you're supposed to, I filled them with red licorice. Boom. You got the feeling of blood being drawn. I also made place cards and all of it was totally neat. Wait. Stop the clock. Who needs to tell you about it? I actually have a picture of all this! Duh. What an idiot I am. Here... check this out to get an idea.

In the meantime.... I have to say that all of us had quite a lovely time. My kid gave a short little speech thanking some people who were of significance, I gave a short little speech and all in all, we basically honored the happy P.A. to our excellent little city. What could be bad, right? Besides... I love enjoying happy times with happy people that I care about. Even more, I'm happy my kid got an excellent position with an surprisingly excellent salary! Who says money can't buy happiness??

I'm guessing btw, that my next celebration will be for ME... my birthday! I totally love my birthday and I do know that I want to keep it sweet and simple. Which should be easy given a friend of mine said they want to do a dinner party for me to which I naturally said: COUNT ME IN! Talk about no muss no fuss. 

Yippee. May is here!!