Thursday, May 28, 2020

COVID TEST

Oh man. I totally hate when you start off with one problem and bingo. The next thing you know, you’re involved in a much bigger one.

It started off with my feeling like crap for several weeks with what I thought was a sinus infection. It took WEEKS to get that entire problem resolved. I had to speak to my doctors online, they had to TRY to figure out what was actually going on, I had to try several different antibiotics and finally, I had to be seen in person before yippee. The whole sinus deal eventually got all better. That’s the good news.

The bad news is that once my ENT doctor’s office finally re-opened, and I was seen in person, bingo. My doctor told me: uh… you seem to have another problem here btw… nothing to do with your sinuses. I DO?? WHOA. THIS CAN’T BE GOOD.

And apparently, it’s not. Turns out I have a small non cancerous growth on my uvula at the back of my throat which needs to be removed. Talk about wanting to jump out of the examining chair lickety split. WTF??

Of course I immediately then wanted to know: OKAY. BUT WHAT IF I DO NOTHING GIVEN I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW IT WAS THERE TO BEGIN WITH?? Hmmm… I was told it will grow bigger and eventually could become a gagging problem for me. UH, WHAT??? HOW LONG MIGHT THAT TAKE?

Basically, nothing the doctor was telling me was good news. My thinking was: if it takes a long time to become bigger, then maybe I’ll have just kicked the bucket altogether by the time I have to deal with the gagging growth dilemma. The doctor’s thinking basically was: don’t bank on your kicking the bucket scenario.  

Thus, within minutes, his assistant was in the room, setting up a surgical appointment, giving me all the info I needed and of course, setting up a Covid test for about a week before the procedure. PLEASE TELL ME I’M DREAMING.

Sadly of course, I wasn’t. But okay. A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do. Damnit. And therefore, I left the office with all this info, expecting a call from the hospital itself to give me even more instructions. Don’t ask. It was at this point, after taking 3 pages of notes from this phone conversation, that I thanked the lady, hung up and quickly decided: TIME OUT. THIS IS WAY TOO SHORT A TIME FOR ME TO WRAP MY HEAD AROUND ALL THIS BULLSHIT AND THEREFORE, NO. I’M NOT DOING THIS IMMEDIATELY. INSTEAD, I’M POSTPONING THIS SURGERY FOR AT LEAST A COUPLE OF WEEKS.

Which is exactly what I did. My nerves calmed down within seconds.

Finally, a couple of weeks later, I was in a much better place to deal with all this, and therefore, rescheduled this entire deal. Which only means: at 6:00 a.m. next week, I need to show up for this surgery. FUCK. I SOOO know this is going to hurt!!

Which by the way, I totally addressed with the doctor. UH… TELL ME THE TRUTH. EXACTLY HOW MUCH PAIN AM I GOING TO BE IN AND FOR HOW LONG AFTERWARDS?? Answer: yes, there will be discomfort but not really too much. EASY FOR HIM TO SAY. Personally, I don’t buy the discomfort line, but whatever. I so see pain rather than discomfort in my future, which was kinda confirmed when he wrote a script for post-op Percocet. Gulp. 

In the meantime, my bigger problem for the moment was having the virus swab test done, which scared me but plenty. For, I remember listening to Trump saying it was not a particularly pleasant test and how they go way up your nose, etc. etc. As if his Presidency alone doesn’t scare me enough, hearing him say this put me over the edge. But regardless…

I, in fact, went for the nose swab. ALERT: THE TEST IS NOT BAD, AT ALL! Per usual, the President was totally lying. What a surprise, right?? I was even tempted to  take a baby Ativan before being tested, but I butched up and did it without any meds at all. Yay me. Of course if the test comes back positive tomorrow, I’ll slit my wrist. Both of them. Besides… how would I even know if it comes back with a false negative. SHOOT ME NOW.

In the meantime, I am totally freaked about this little surgery next Tuesday. The hospital folks even told me today I should have someone with me at home for the first night. UH… WHAT?? WHY?? WHAT DO YOU KNOW THAT I DON’T?? So like I said… this so can’t be good. I am trying to remain calm, eating as little chocolate and other junk foods as possible, and just counting down the days before I go under the knife. During a pandemic, no less.

Bottom line: 1. Cross your fingers I don’t die. 2. Pray I am not in pain afterwards. 3. Promise me I come out of this virus-free. 4. Hope my insurance pays most of the cost.