SO PICTURE THIS...

Pretend you woke up one morning and your house was pretty much in decent order. Then imagine you got involved with a project. Which then grew into another two or three projects, all the while having different work stations all over the place with your materials basically laid out in several rooms of the house.

Which THEN means you have to imagine nothing short of what looked kinda like a cyclone hit your house. And... throw in the fact that you're still in your nightgown at two in the afternoon, never having yet even brushed your teeth. THEN PICTURE...

Uh oh... your doorbell ringing. COMPANY'S HERE! OMG... that is so what happened to me a few weeks ago. And it was totally embarrassing.

I got a call from Barbara saying she and Laura were on their way over, to which of course I said great. I neglected to tell them the house and I were a wreck, although I did mention I was busy painting a picture. Turns out I threw the picture and the paints out altogether but that's a whole other story.

In the meantime, I do have to say that my company didn't complain once about the cyclone having made a direct hit into my house. Maybe that's because we were all pretty hungry and had to first figure out SOMEthing to fill our faces. My refrigerator btw, while normally quite well stocked, was sadly pretty disappointing on this particular day. Anyway, I have to give my company credit for containing their probable shock. On the other hand...

As if the cyclone wasn't enough already, next thing you know... we were all sitting in my family room, talking about my furniture layout,  trying to figure out a totally new and probably much better configuration. Don't ask.

I have had a dilemma with the configuration of my family room for years. I never USED to have a problem, but then bingo. Three years ago I bought this totally Granny looking sort of contemporary sofa, along with two recliners which I happen to love but arranging all three into a modern looking family room is so never going to happen. And... the furniture was quite a chunk of change too, so 1.) the furniture is here to stay and 2.) it's pretty much not the look I love at all.

In fact, I remember prepping my kid when first he was here to see it by saying aloud... OMG. JUST LETTING YOU KNOW THE FAMILY ROOM NOW COMPLETELY SUCKS. Then, once he saw the new furniture for himself... the very first words out of his mouth were: WHOA. WE CAN NEVER HAVE A PARTY HERE EVER AGAIN, I SEE. Apparently he too got the vibe of the crappy new look. On the other hand, he DID tell me to never let him sit on the new sofa given once seated, you never again want to ever get up. It's WAY too comfortable! Which of course is why I even bought it in the first place. Soooooooo...

In an attempt to switch things up a bit, next thing you know... Barbara and Laura came up with a placement scheme and bingo. Definitely a game Claudia would have loved playing, but she wasn't here. Anyway... we were moving furniture all over the place. Plus, bringing stuff in from the garage, the deck, etc. etc. Enter: more of a cyclone. We THOUGHT it would all look great and had high hopes for the new layout but... ummm... come to find out... in my opinion, it sucked even more. Besides, Barbara isn't all that crazy about the colorful rug I have in the room.

So whammo. Time to move everything BACK to it's original place. Which of course we did, with the final thought being: Guess what. Call Stacey, the interior designer, and have HER give me a heads' up on how to improve things in my family room.

Which I guess is now next on my List of Things To Do. Although I do have to admit I am pretty sure the only thing Stacey can possibly suggest is: UH... GET ALL NEW FURNITURE. Which of course I COULD do but I won't. Turns out the stupid little microfiber covered recliners are even more comfy than the couch. And, deep down inside I really do believe that the REAL problem is the fact the recliners and the sofa are not in proportional balance. Which means:

I'd rather keep the recliners, get a much more stream lined looking couch and THEN rearrange everything. And then naturally... finally sell the Granny Couch. Which I decided I shall sell as brand new given 1.) it absolutely LOOKS brand new and 2.) I never even ever removed the actual manufacturer's ticket. I couldn't. I could tell the moment it was delivered this was eventually definitely going to have to find a brand new home. Hopefully one that would be willing to ante up big bucks for it too, just like I did.    


So the bottom line is: thank you Barbara and Laura for not telling me to my face my home was a disaster. And oh yeah... by the way... the cyclone remnants were all spiffed up nice and neat once again by the time SNL started at 11:30. A time when of course no one rang my doorbell. Figures.

A NEWER BFF

Well, that didn't take long. Just yesterday I seriously thought Joann was my new best friend forever. Unfortunately I see that I now have to kick her out of the lineup altogether to make room for an even better one: Heather. Whom you can see in the picture above. And trust me... she really REALLY deserves the bump up.

Turns out my bank was trying to give me a heart attack today. Gee thanks Mr. Bank Teller. I was at the bank earlier this afternoon to make a deposit of several thousand dollars and when all was said and done, I just happened to ask the guy: OH YEAH, CAN YOU PLEASE GIVE ME MY BALANCE, BTW? Which he did. Uh... except for one slight glitch. Which basically went down like this:

When I saw the amount of my balance, I specifically asked: DOES THIS INCLUDE THE DEPOSIT I JUST NOW MADE? To which I was told YES. Which right off the bat made me panic. So I said... TIME OUT. SOMETHING'S NOT RIGHT. As in: where the hell is the $10k that's ALREADY supposed to in there?? This question apparently threw him for a loop since he basically couldn't actually give me an answer. It was sorta like: Gee. We don't know. All we DO know is that this is your total balance, including your new deposit. I even told him to get the bank manager over here since I could tell something was amiss. It was probably at this point that I became a nervous wreck, btw. With tears in my eyes no less.  

For obviously... all this naturally threw me into a huge tizzy since I could tell that about $10k was sorta unaccounted for. SOMEBODY had to have it and apparently it wasn't me. Seriously... I haven't yet lost my mind COMPLETELY. Granted, I can pretty much spend money like it's water but whoa. Give me a break. I do have SOME inkling of what monies I supposedly have at my disposal. Well, turns out... I do. Just doesn't mean that the bank does as well.

Anyway, don't ask. I decided to leave the bank and go running directly to my investment office which is sorta connected to my bank account to see if THEY can tell me what's what. To my total relief, after about 25 minutes, HEATHER HAD THE ANSWER. 

As in: the bank branch apparently lied to me for as it turns out... NO. THE BALANCE THEY GAVE ME DID NOT INCLUDE TODAY'S DEPOSIT AFTERALL. It COULDN'T have since the deposit doesn't even POST until after midnight tonight!! Oh MAN... what a total f*ck up it was on their part. And hence why Heather has now become my alltime favorite new buddy.

And... to drive home the point, I had Heather call my branch to TELL them they screwed up. And how they scared the ever lovin' shit out of me, too. Naturally that took another 20 minutes since at first the teller didn't want to deal with the mistake he made that practically put me in the loony bin. Until that is, I asked for Candace, his bank manager there. THEN Mr. Idiot Teller naturally couldn't have been more apologetic. Talk about too little too late however.


In the meantime, all's well that ends well and sometime tomorrow I need to go online and there I SHOULD be able to see my REAL balance which will include today's deposit as a mere addition to what I figure I should already have had. Thank God for small favors is all I can say. And.. thank God for Heather. 

Talk about calming down a crazy ass lady which I'm pretty sure is not REALLY in her job description. On the other hand, thanks to her... I'm back down on earth once again. Well... for now, anyway.  

MY NEW BFF

I only wished my Mother were still alive to see this. For 11 years I've been waiting and FINALLY... here in my little town JOANN FABRICS HAS ACTUALLY ARRIVED. I can not TELL you how excited I am. It's sheer heaven for me as it would have been for my Mother, too. There... you can see me up above as I entered the store for the very first time. I couldn't help it... I just HAD to document the momentous occasion for all of posterity.

To imagine I can now just zip over to Joann's without having to run into the big city is something I never saw coming. When first told that Joann, my new best friend forever, would be coming soon, I practically jumped for joy. Trust me... the OTHER crappy fabric stores I've had to frequent around here basically suck. Plus what I also love is the fact that the sales help is so damn friendly! It's like there isn't even ENOUGH they can possibly do to help you. Which is what I love about small town living in the first place.

So let's see. Already I've bought three different fabrics, two from which I've already made some summer pants. Next on my list is a pair of leggings out of this great looking slightly sparkly red fabric. All to go with tops I already have hanging in my closet. Boom. Outfits completed. Next on my list is to make slacks or leggings (haven't decided yet) out of this beautiful black fabric I saw with shiny silver circles all over it. Actually... I think I'll go with the leggings given they'll be more casual for this op-art design. Whatever.

Best of all however, is that the manager taught me how to download an app to my phone which then allows me to get immediate coupons front and center to use at check out... all for a 40% discount! Totally love that deal since a new one appears each and every day. Seriously... who could ask for more.

Naturally my biggest fear is that one day they'll God forbid decide to close up shop should there not be enough business around here. Which is exactly my mode of operandi of most things, I'm sorry to admit. It's like I can't comPLETELY adore great news since for all I know it can be taken from me in a split second. I know. I'm nuts. Anyway...

I am so tickled pink over this new store. I was the exact same way the first time the Epic Multiplex came to town too, btw. Even Krispy Kreme! Seriously... it takes just so little to amuse me. They even offer sewing classes but right off the bat I have to cross off those beginning at ten in the morning. Who the hell can ever be up and dressed at that hour? Besides, the first class teaches how to make a tote bag and trust me... that I can figure out on my own. Jeez... I'm thinking more like: please teach me Project Runway type of deals.

In the meantime, I'm definitely psyched about all this. It should certainly keep me off the streets during the heat of the summer and instead, inside my air conditioned home just sewing away, whipping up all sorts of creations. I can't believe what beautiful fabrics there are... most of which I naturally shan't be using given I'm not into creating wedding dresses and such. Besides... fitted clothing is so not up my alley. Oh yeah... I haven't even had a chance yet to hit the craft department, but I'll get there soon enough, I'm sure.


For now... I just feel as if I got to summer camp and in seconds flat, I made a new best friend. Now... if only I could learn how to use all these fancy schmancy stitch features on my machine. Now THAT would be a treat, indeed.

In closing... let me just say that yes. I decided to switch up my font color in honor of my becoming old. I figure this way, I can distinguish between those entries pre/post turning 65. Which I'm totally enjoying by the way.

THE RICH GET RICHER

Wow... I can't believe I finally have time to do some catch-up blogging. I have started several entries, but man... talk about time flying when having fun. I began writing plenty of times but then boom. Next thing you know, I was pulled away for one reason or another and by the time I got to complete an actual entry, almost a month has now gone by!   

Besides... get this.. I'M SERIOUSLY OLD NOW. Bingo... 65th birthday celebrations are down the hatch and I sorta do have to admit... I don't really feel ALL that much older. Well...other than next week when I have to have a colonoscopy. EEKS. But it's not the first time I've had one and it certainly won't be the last. 

Okay... so with that said...

I did something last weekend I haven't done in at least 25 years. Probably more. Get this... I not only went to Cherokee NC, which I love btw, but also... I actually went to Harrah's Casino to... OMG... gamble!! Which is kinda crazy since I absolutely hate losing money for no good reason at all. I mean really... how people want to simply throw money away is completely beyond me. Granted if I were filthy rich perhaps I'd feel way better about the whole gaming concept but as it happens, I am neither filthy nor rich.

On the other hand, I had a really good time. The ride there was simply beautiful. And the weather was fantastic which basically means it was a gorgeous day to actually be OUTside in the nice fresh air. But instead... I walked into this big, smoky crazy ass casino which knocked my socks off, right off the bat, since where ELSE can one go in this day and age... and smoke away to their heart's content inside a public building?? I was shocked.  

When first I walked in I must say I was like SO visually confused. It was crazy. There were all SORTS of lights, sounds, people, machines, and if that wasn't enough, the lay out of the huge place was nuts. A total maze. There were ZILLIONS of things to take in, not the least of which... all the card tables where folks were betting chips up the kazoo. Seriously.... I bet it took me a good half hour just to acclimate myself to the place. I felt like I was Ziggy Stardust in Fantasyland or something. My senior citizen senses were pretty much trying to take it all in as if I were in psychedelic heaven. Not that I haven't tried psilocybin mushrooms way back in the day. But whatever.

In the meantime, when I first got settled down, I set my betting limit at no more than a total of $200.00. But as I got more into the scene itself, I decided: TIME OUT. AM I NUTS?? I WILL JUST THROW 200 BUCKS RIGHT OUT THE DAMN WINDOW FOR NO GOOD REASON WHATSOEVER?? Which is when I then decided the best casino game for ME to play was the $1.00 slot machines. That was WAY more up my alley. Although it did take me another half hour just to figure out how to PLAY the slots! THERE WERE ZILLIONS OF MACHINES, ALL OF WHICH WERE COMPLETELY DIFFERENT IN RULES. Naturally, I had no clue what the hell I was doing. But...

Soon enough, I caught on. And soon enough I became a one armed bandit although nowadays you don't even have to pull the lever. Instead, you just push a button which makes your chances of losing hordes of money go even faster. It took me no time at ALL btw, to see just how addictive this game can be!! I was totally happy sitting there pushing the button over and over and over and over. Until that is, I saw that I was $45 up from the original 20 I put in. It was at that point that I basically said to myself:

HMMM... I CAN EITHER WALK AWAY NOW WITH A SAFE $45 OR I CAN STAY HERE AND LOSE $75. I took the former.

I know... I'm such a wuss. Exactly the kind of player gambling casinos never want in their establishments. My friend Max on the other hand, played hours of Three Card Poker and then walked away $500 richer! Which supposedly is sorta a slow day compared to lots of other days. Hence why I say... talk about the rich getting richer. Go figure. I totally wished it were MY mantra but no such luck. Anyway... 

The bottom line is this: I would definitely go back to Harrah's, maybe even be willing to lose a couple of bucks. But... when I do return... I am SO checking out Downtown Cherokee where for SURE you can dump money in all the crappy touristy trap shops that I totally love. It was one of my favorite parts about going to camp in Western NC for six years, actually. 


Besides... since when is an authentic pair of white leather Cherokee Indian moccasins with beautiful beading a complete waste of money? Oh man... I so have to get another pair one of these days. 

MOTHER'S DAY

So what a great day this has turned out to be. Well... other than not being able to see my kid, but that will come soon enough. What I did get to see however, was the most stunning day ever.

I knew it would be great the moment I woke up. Get this... the temp was 50 degrees! As we speak, it's in the 30s but earlier this afternoon the wind was blowing and the sun was bright and I just can't get OVER this glorious weather in the middle of May. Better yet...

Today I went to a Mother's Day fancy schmancy brunch that was delicious. Afterwards... sitting out on the fantastic patio, staring at the gorgeous mountains was simply nothing short of amazing. Seriously... some part of nature has struck me so, every day this entire season.  

In addition to all this... I not only got beautiful flowers from my son, but also got to speak to him earlier today. Ahhhh... life is sweet. I even wore one of my own Mother's bracelets today, which I love doing since that way, she can be with me on special occasions. Oh yeah... I was even able to squeeze in a great 1 and 1/2 hour nap today, too. Always a bonus.

NOW I get to get ready for the next major event of the month. My birthday, of course. YIPPEE. A week from today... 65! I am so looking forward to THAT. I get to kick it off btw, with a special luncheon in my honor on Thursday... where I'm pretty much looking forward to a delicious birthday cake with butter cream icing. My definite favorite. Not discounting of course the fact I'll be with some of my favorite people. In the meantime, all I can say is...

I think of my Mother every single day. Mother's Day or not. She taught me so much of what I know and I'll always be so, so grateful. Besides, I have her calves and ankles and they ARE basically the best parts of my body, actually. I also have her flat ass, which unfortunately is not my best body part in the least. But you know the drill... you win some, you lose some. Actually, up above, you see a picture of my Mother holding me when I was but months old. Kinda like me holding my own kid, down below. Along with a shot of my Mother with Claudia and I. And in case you're wondering... I'm the one in the big girl panties.

For now however, Happy Mother's Day to everyone... whether you're an actual mother or not. For in my book, every woman has done some mothering at some point in her life. She's mothered either a relative, a friend and surely a husband if ever she's had one. I mean seriously, men CAN be major babies at times, right?

Therefore... regardless of who it is you've nurtured, loved or cared for... enjoy the day, ladies. God knows I have!

LASTLY... ALL SPRUCED UP

Wow. After 6 days of 24/7 rain FINALLY today there is some blue sky! Although I will admit I LOVE grey, rainy skies as long as I'm indoors, relaxing and happily busy doing all my little projects. Plus, I don't even need a jacket today since I think the temps are in the mid 60s as we speak.

So what has all this rain done to all of nature outside my very own home? Get a load of the picture up above. THAT'LL tell you what's going on with nature. EVERYTHING'S GROWING LIKE WILD FIRE. Which actually, is Mother Nature at her best. Given the fact that Spring is here AND it's been raining everyday, all the buds on every tree, bush and flower are bursting out like crazy. But the buds I love most are the ones in the tree up there.

This tree is a Blue Spruce Pine I planted right smack in front of my bedroom window five years ago. I can't get OVER how many buds there are on this tree! When first planted, you had to look way down my window to see it's top. It was maybe four feet below the window sill. The entire purpose of planting it there, btw, was so that I would be able to make sure that the neighbors bathroom window, directly across from my bedroom window would be totally covered. Thus allowing ME to then be totally UNcovered in my bedroom, anytime I wanted, with complete privacy. It's amazing to me that now, after five years... guess what... NO ONE CAN SEE IN AT ALL! Yippee. Talk about mission accomplished. Which leads me to: how'd all this privacy happen, anyway?? Easy.

See all those buds on the tips of the tree branches?? Every year more and more grew and every year more and more of my window became covered. These baby buds absolutely amaze me. I see them once a year, right about now, and the next thing I know... boom... my tree gets taller and wider and my privacy becomes all the greater. So that NOW... what a delight. I don't have into see the neighbor's window and for sure, they can't see into mine. The way these buds just pop up after Winter is astounding. And... look at how MANY there are.

Even better is that I got this tree for free! For one of my birthdays several years ago, about 10 of my girlfriends got together and bought a gift certificate for me from GROWING CONCERN... a nursery here in town. I was THRILLED with the gift and marched my ass on down to the place, with the exact intent of buying myself a tree instead of plants, bushes, etc. Especially since I KNEW I wanted one right by my bedroom. Bingo. Half hour later the tree was bought, the plans were made for it to be planted and bingo. All I had to do was to sit tight for a few years and voila'. Privacy abounds.

I can't tell you how much I love this. And oh yeah... get a load of the picture below. This is exactly what I saw when I opened my front door this morning. SO fantastic. I TOLD Spring was bursting out all over! Man, I'm so loving this.

AND NOW... FOR THE FRONT LAWN

I've been pretty busy lately focusing on the stunning flowers on my back deck, which believe me... they deserve... but now... oh man, you should see what's about to explode on my FRONT lawn. The two big bushes up above without any blooms are a couple of my several hydrangeas and just WAIT til they flower. OMG. There's nothing like it. Anyway...

The same magic rain that fell on the back deck apparently also fell on the front yard, for all the gorgeous blooms are about ready to pop. The greenery has all returned from after over 5 months of winter type weather and the entire city is just all abloom right now. Including my front lawn which is just now getting it's groove on. There... you can see a picture of it up above. Unfortunately what you can't yet see are all the hydrangea blooms which won't pop out for about another month, but like I said... when they do??? OMG. THAT'S WHEN I FLIP OUT.

The hydrangeas are my favorites for they are BIG and COLORFUL and stay on the plant til almost Autumn. I have white, purple, blue and deep pinks and during the summer you can't IMAGINE how busy I will be snipping off the flower heads to put in my vases all around the house. Even the pink rhododendrons are beginning to bloom and when those whole plants are in bloom it looks amazing. I must have about six or seven hydrangeas, which right now have all gotten their leaves back but damn... it'll be just a couple weeks at least until their flowering begins popping out like corn. In the meantime...

I still can't believe how far all these plants have come in the past six years. I remember well how SMALL everything was when first planted. Now??? Lordy... the front of the house is just so happy looking every time I pull into my driveway. Not only can I see the two gardens... each on opposite sides of the front door... but the colors are astounding. Actually, all this raving about the front yard gardens is also astounding since I am SO not a gardener in the least. I keep it nice and simple... I turn on the spigot, I pick up the hose... boom... I water the flowering plants. I don't even bother with the rest of them. True... every so often I use liquid food for these lovelies, but even that too, I use with an attached hose. Talk about lazy. 

So as I see it... all the greenery is very much coming back after winter. As of yet though... while the azaleas and pansies are out in color, the hydrangeas, the rhodies, the lilies and the roses are apparently going to make me wait it out. Of course the cause for said wait COULD be that here we are, the third day of May and still the temps haven't risen above a daytime high of 64 degrees. How much do I love THAT?? Oh man... you have no idea. As a matter of fact, when I went out tonight, it was 53... I had to wear a coat!! Not my heavy winter one, mind you, but still... a coat!!!

Exactly why I moved here in the first place!! Which, btw, was the best decision I ever made. Oh yeah... here's a picture of the other garden... on the other side of my front lawn. 

Here there are three hydrangeas bushes and two rhododendron waiting to break out. I can't even believe all this greenery is BACK. Thank God. I can not tell you how I simply love the changes of each season... now THIS is a way to brighten your soul if ever there was. 

ISN'T HE BEAUTIFUL???

OMG... I so love this newest find for my Laughing Buddha Collection. Isn't he just stunning?? I was thrilled when I came across him... whom btw, I've named Sumo Tu. I had to. Turns out I THINK I already named either the one in my bedroom or the one in my kitchen dining area Sumo but I can't remember. So boom. This new one has to be Sumo Tu. I decided to rename the other guy Sumo Won. Man... I just wished I could think of the name I gave to the others, but I have no clue. Whatever. In the meantime Sazen, whom I bought a few years ago, is my favorite Buddah but he no longer lives here thus so much for HIS picture.

As it happens, I now have five Laughing Buddhas in my house. One in the five rooms in which I spend most of my time. I adore each and every one of them. Down below you can see a picture of each of them. I love the guy with his hands up in the air since he was my first. Then I found the red one who lives in my family room to greet everyone who comes through my front door. The sleeping baby on the elephant?? Oh man... HE lives on my bedroom dresser so I can happily stare at him all day long. The guy lying on his belly with his head resting in his hands? HE is fantastic and lives on my kitchen side table. As for the three on the ground, they live outside by the steps leading up to my front door.

The best thing about each of my Buddhas are their expressions. Each one has a very different personality. Sumo Tu happens to be the most regal given the detail in his robe. Plus, you should see the BACK of him. The robe is equally detailed with one shoulder covered and the other exposed. I'm so telling you... all of them are fantastic. Granted the three that are kept outdoors are becoming obviously weathered but I'm kinda liking the look. They had started out somewhat metallic looking but maybe one of these days I'll spruce them up. Keyword: maybe.

 In the meantime, I figure that anyone in my house is going to filled with laughter and good times given all the great aura I'm providing. Sort of like: excellent karma is hanging out all over the place. Which naturally is a GOOD thing. I almost feel as if a robber should ever enter my house... Sure. Go ahead. Steal my big TVs and whatever jewelry you want BUT PLEASSSSSSE DON'T STEAL MY BUDDHAS! I really do love them dearly.

So how did I even find Sumo Tu this afternoon?? Get this... for the past couple of weeks, I've been getting ALL kinds of birthday cards from my local stores, offering me discounts to please come in and spend lots of money. Boy do THEY ever have me pegged. Anyway, I got a card from the store where Sumo Tu was and as soon as I walked in, I asked: YOU HAVE ANY BUDDHAS?? Turns out this new one came in just YESTERDAY. I took one look at him and said: BINGO. DONE. I WANT HIM. So I bought him... with a 15% discount, btw. Who could ask for more??

Well maybe me, since I DO need to decide where to now place Sumo Tu. He deserves a place of prominence for SURE. I just can't figure out where quite yet. I mean... I'd hate to kick any of the others out of their place, but man, this is going to be mighty tricky. Plus... I don't want any of them to look tacky by way of overloading any one room. Hmmmmm. This can be a challenge alright, I can see already. And... I am very particular how they are angled in each room. Talk about anal, I know. Case in point:

The wooden guy is facing my bed so that wonderful lovemaking will always take place. Reddie is facing so as to greet guests when they walk in the house and so he can then see us when in the family room. The one with his face in his hands faces me specifically so he can see me as I work in my kitchen. The baby sleeping on the elephant faces my into my entire bedroom. All in all... I'm surrounded with happy serenity wherever I may be.

Anyway... yippee for me. I have the alltime best Laughing Buddhas ever and thanks to my birthday card discount, I have yet another. I totally feel their happy spirit all around me. The only belly I rub btw is the red one. Whenever I REALLY want a wish to come true I run right to Reddie, rub his belly as I make my wish and I'm so telling you... 98% of the time, IT WORKS! And if you ever come to my house, you can rub his belly too! Even better... you'll get to see ALL of my Laughing Buddhas. Here's a quick glance of what they all look like. Trust me... they are all extraordinarily special.

MAY DAY! MAY DAY!

Man... I am a sheer wreck today. And totally depressed. I can't even believe it. What a way to start off my infamous birthday month. Here's how it all went down:

All of a sudden, I decided that rather than wait out the entire month of May, I'll first go meet my friends for lunch and THEN I'll mosey on down to the Division of Motor Vehicles place and take the ROAD SIGNS TEST for renewing my driver's license.

I have had the two sheets of signs... one REGULATORY and one WARNING... on my kitchen counter for a month already, so I could practice should the mood ever strike me. And also, so I could be sure to maintain my nerves and fright over the whole deal for as long as I possibly could. Which IS my favorite mode of operandi in the first place. For some reason, I just KNEW I was going to f*ck up on the test and not be able to pass. Of course everyone ELSE said to me... DON'T WORRY. IT'S EASY... but I just had a bad feeling about it all. Turns out we were both right.  

Get this: I did in fact decide to take a chance that there'd be no lines and I went to take my test today. Besides, this way... should I fail, I'd have plenty of time to retake it. So bingo... I walked into the DMV and lucky me... I WAS THE FIRST ONE CALLED after about a mere five minute wait. The guy handed me the practice card of all the signs which he told me to hurry up and learn since they'd be calling me real quickly.

Sure enough, after just a minute of skimming the card, I was called in by Kimbraugh, a nice lady who btw, in a few weeks will be retiring after 30 years. Which is way too bad since I SO wanted her to be there when I take my test once again in 8 years. In the meantime, I told Kimbraugh right off the bat I was really nervous... and she told me it's no big deal. I should just relax. So I believed her. Come to find out... I haven't relaxed YET.

Anyway... Kimbraugh tells me to look into this machine of sorts and read all the signs. Which I did. I told her I had no clue what the blank round yellow circle meant, which come to find out was: a railroad crossing. Oops. That was the easy part, however. After doing all the signs, THEN Kimbraugh throws me a curve ball and whammo. That's where my troubles began. Now I had to look into this machine once again and then read these ridiculously teeny tiny sized LETTERS AND NUMBERS.

NONE of which I could even read btw, given my eye disease whereby I have gradual sight deterioration with each passing day. Therefore I WAS NOW A FREAKIN' MESS. Because THIS test is the one that tests your distance eyesight, which has been the bane of existence for the past 6 years. Don't even ask. I am at the eye specialist every six months to see how the retinal vascular disease is progressing. But that's a whole story onto itself.

In the meantime... Kimbraugh  then tells me to read the bottom line of these minuscule letters, Line Four. NEVER HAPPENING. I couldn't see shit thus told her no thanks. I wanted instead, to please read the top line, the one with the much BIGGER letters even though those were no walk in the park either. Uh... sadly, she declined my offer. Damnit.

Instead, I had to begin trying to read Line Three. Don't ask. I swear to God... I could hardly make anything out, but I kept on trying; squinting, moving my head a little from side to side, etc. etc. You can't even IMAGine how I was struggling to see these baby characters. My heart was pounding but plenty by this point. I am SURE I got WAY too many wrong and Kimbraugh could have easily failed me, thus  I seriously think she must have taken major pity on me because in the end... guess what?? I PASSED!!

Barely though, if you ask me. The numbers btw, were no easier for me. I am telling you... these letters and numbers were TINY. As it is, I don't drive on out of town big interstates anymore given... what a surprise... I can't read the signs up above until I'm like right smack on top of them. But here in my baby little city?? HERE I can see the streets, cars, etc. perfectly. By memory, if nothing else. So I've decided the bottom line here is several things:

1. Instead of being thrilled I surprisingly passed, I am a total mess thinking of 2020 when I'll have to take this test yet again.
2. I am hoping that come about four years from now, when it's time for my cataract surgery, my eye sight will improve. Although I know already it won't.
3. I'll probably have to lie and simply drive without a license after my next test since that I KNOW I'll fail.
4. I'll have to ante up bucks and hire a chauffeur.
5. I'll be totally depressed for the next eight years.

In none of these scenarios do I find a happy ending, I might add. I am SO screwed and I know it. UNLESS... as I've already told my doctors... they write me a note saying to the NCDMV: Don't worry. This lady will be perfectly fine on the roads around town. Big deal if she can't see names of the streets or stores or whatever... she CAN see the cars, people, yellow lines and traffic lights.

To me that's all that should count, anyway. It's just the DISTANCE stuff I can't see. Which I'm sorry to say... the DMV is pretty big on. Oh yeah... Kimbraugh also told me that to pass the driving test, you need to have a minimum of 20/50 vision. Which is exactly what I have NOW. Can you imagine what I'll have in 8 years?? Plus... I think she said you should be able to see all these signs from at least something like 26 feet away. Which on this test machine... mimicing real life distance... was definitely a stretch for my eyeballs.

THEREFORE... OH MAN. JUST SHOOT ME NOW, PLEASE. I have been so damn crestfallen ever since I came home from the whole experience that you wanna guess what I did about an hour ago?? I DOWNED SIX CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES LICKETY SPLIT!! True, they certainly helped to calm me down somewhat, but I could have SO easily eaten an entire dozen were I not so afraid of the sugar content. Besides... you have any idea how many I'm going to need to eat by 2020 to ease my depression?? Don't ask.

In the meantime, I don't even know what to say. Plus, I don't even know who to bribe, should the time ever come. All I CAN say is: this totally sucks. Talk about where is Morgan Freeman when I need him?? Oh yeah... there WAS one good thing to all this, btw...

The picture on my new license is FAR better than on my old one. Some comfort, huh?