Wednesday, May 1, 2013


Man... I am a sheer wreck today. And totally depressed. I can't even believe it. What a way to start off my infamous birthday month. Here's how it all went down:

All of a sudden, I decided that rather than wait out the entire month of May, I'll first go meet my friends for lunch and THEN I'll mosey on down to the Division of Motor Vehicles place and take the ROAD SIGNS TEST for renewing my driver's license.

I have had the two sheets of signs... one REGULATORY and one WARNING... on my kitchen counter for a month already, so I could practice should the mood ever strike me. And also, so I could be sure to maintain my nerves and fright over the whole deal for as long as I possibly could. Which IS my favorite mode of operandi in the first place. For some reason, I just KNEW I was going to f*ck up on the test and not be able to pass. Of course everyone ELSE said to me... DON'T WORRY. IT'S EASY... but I just had a bad feeling about it all. Turns out we were both right.  

Get this: I did in fact decide to take a chance that there'd be no lines and I went to take my test today. Besides, this way... should I fail, I'd have plenty of time to retake it. So bingo... I walked into the DMV and lucky me... I WAS THE FIRST ONE CALLED after about a mere five minute wait. The guy handed me the practice card of all the signs which he told me to hurry up and learn since they'd be calling me real quickly.

Sure enough, after just a minute of skimming the card, I was called in by Kimbraugh, a nice lady who btw, in a few weeks will be retiring after 30 years. Which is way too bad since I SO wanted her to be there when I take my test once again in 8 years. In the meantime, I told Kimbraugh right off the bat I was really nervous... and she told me it's no big deal. I should just relax. So I believed her. Come to find out... I haven't relaxed YET.

Anyway... Kimbraugh tells me to look into this machine of sorts and read all the signs. Which I did. I told her I had no clue what the blank round yellow circle meant, which come to find out was: a railroad crossing. Oops. That was the easy part, however. After doing all the signs, THEN Kimbraugh throws me a curve ball and whammo. That's where my troubles began. Now I had to look into this machine once again and then read these ridiculously teeny tiny sized LETTERS AND NUMBERS.

NONE of which I could even read btw, given my eye disease whereby I have gradual sight deterioration with each passing day. Therefore I WAS NOW A FREAKIN' MESS. Because THIS test is the one that tests your distance eyesight, which has been the bane of existence for the past 6 years. Don't even ask. I am at the eye specialist every six months to see how the retinal vascular disease is progressing. But that's a whole story onto itself.

In the meantime... Kimbraugh  then tells me to read the bottom line of these minuscule letters, Line Four. NEVER HAPPENING. I couldn't see shit thus told her no thanks. I wanted instead, to please read the top line, the one with the much BIGGER letters even though those were no walk in the park either. Uh... sadly, she declined my offer. Damnit.

Instead, I had to begin trying to read Line Three. Don't ask. I swear to God... I could hardly make anything out, but I kept on trying; squinting, moving my head a little from side to side, etc. etc. You can't even IMAGine how I was struggling to see these baby characters. My heart was pounding but plenty by this point. I am SURE I got WAY too many wrong and Kimbraugh could have easily failed me, thus  I seriously think she must have taken major pity on me because in the end... guess what?? I PASSED!!

Barely though, if you ask me. The numbers btw, were no easier for me. I am telling you... these letters and numbers were TINY. As it is, I don't drive on out of town big interstates anymore given... what a surprise... I can't read the signs up above until I'm like right smack on top of them. But here in my baby little city?? HERE I can see the streets, cars, etc. perfectly. By memory, if nothing else. So I've decided the bottom line here is several things:

1. Instead of being thrilled I surprisingly passed, I am a total mess thinking of 2020 when I'll have to take this test yet again.
2. I am hoping that come about four years from now, when it's time for my cataract surgery, my eye sight will improve. Although I know already it won't.
3. I'll probably have to lie and simply drive without a license after my next test since that I KNOW I'll fail.
4. I'll have to ante up bucks and hire a chauffeur.
5. I'll be totally depressed for the next eight years.

In none of these scenarios do I find a happy ending, I might add. I am SO screwed and I know it. UNLESS... as I've already told my doctors... they write me a note saying to the NCDMV: Don't worry. This lady will be perfectly fine on the roads around town. Big deal if she can't see names of the streets or stores or whatever... she CAN see the cars, people, yellow lines and traffic lights.

To me that's all that should count, anyway. It's just the DISTANCE stuff I can't see. Which I'm sorry to say... the DMV is pretty big on. Oh yeah... Kimbraugh also told me that to pass the driving test, you need to have a minimum of 20/50 vision. Which is exactly what I have NOW. Can you imagine what I'll have in 8 years?? Plus... I think she said you should be able to see all these signs from at least something like 26 feet away. Which on this test machine... mimicing real life distance... was definitely a stretch for my eyeballs.

THEREFORE... OH MAN. JUST SHOOT ME NOW, PLEASE. I have been so damn crestfallen ever since I came home from the whole experience that you wanna guess what I did about an hour ago?? I DOWNED SIX CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES LICKETY SPLIT!! True, they certainly helped to calm me down somewhat, but I could have SO easily eaten an entire dozen were I not so afraid of the sugar content. Besides... you have any idea how many I'm going to need to eat by 2020 to ease my depression?? Don't ask.

In the meantime, I don't even know what to say. Plus, I don't even know who to bribe, should the time ever come. All I CAN say is: this totally sucks. Talk about where is Morgan Freeman when I need him?? Oh yeah... there WAS one good thing to all this, btw...

The picture on my new license is FAR better than on my old one. Some comfort, huh?

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