Sunday, April 18, 2021

FIRST CLASS MAIL

Granted… pretty much everything in today’s world is done by email. Which I do have to say is a MAJOR thorn in my side. I am soooo sick of email, I can’t tell you. I have email from friends going back weeks and weeks yet I just can’t bring myself to reply. Mainly because by the time I’m finished deleting all the junk mail and all the unwanted advertisements, I’m way too spent to even THINK about I really SHOULD be reading. 

Plus… I have to spend hordes of time unsubscribing to all this bullshit junk mail, yet often times, to no avail. In fact, I have one friend who merely looks at one website and boom. Next thing you know, they’ve got zillions of OTHER sites sending them email, messages, whatever. It’s like the links grow and grow within minutes. Of course, some of the mail they get is totally worth checking out, if for nothing else, because sometimes it turns out to contain racy content, which as you know, is so up my alley. Kind of.

Case in point: suppose you search some upscale after bath body lotion for instance. Next thing you know you’re getting ads for sexual lubricants and from there you’re getting ads for sexual toys and then from THERE all of a sudden... you’re receiving info on blowup dolls. Man. Talk about a huge jump from one topic to the other but FAST. It’s like totally easy to make yourself become a degenerate in no time flat.

Then again… as I said… checking out these crazy ass sites could easily keep me busy for half a day, should I be so inclined. Especially if it’s graphic photo ads for mens’ sexy underwear, for instance. Luckily however… I myself seldom get any of these kinds of emails or ads, so I needn’t worry about wasting too much time on questionable advertisements. I don’t even want to KNOW what could show up in my email were I to ever visit porn sites for instance. HERE’S A HOT ONE… SEND HER EVERYTHING YOU’VE GOT. SHE’S CHECKING OUT EVERYTHING WE SEND HER AND SOON ENOUGH, SHE’LL BE ONE OF US, JUST YOU WAIT AND SEE. LET’S HERE IT FOR OLD LADIES WHO SURF THE WEB! Just what I need.

Which brings me right smack back to first class snail mail. Yes, I totally get loads of junk mail, but at least it’s all about cleaning your gutters, or having hearing tests, or what’s on sale at Ace Hardware. Better yet… I can toss them out in half a second and boom. They are gone from my life for ever. And speaking of mail… my mailbox outside is cleared everyday without anything ever having to wait until I accumulate zillions of mail like what goes on in my email inbox. Basically… snail mail is WAY easier to control. YAY FREE STANDING MAILBOXES. Yay Alan, too, who happens to be my fantastic mailman, but that’s another story altogether.

In the meantime, in my neighborhood, we are required to all have the same black mail box so everything looks tidy and pretty to help maintain our image of impressive conformity, I guess. And… replacing one of these is a chunk of money, btw. I almost had to do it once when a friend backed out of my driveway and cut the turn way too soon. Oh yeah… and get this… one time a few years ago, a committee of sorts came down all the streets, painting and refreshing and straightening all the mailboxes so they’d all look brand new. I definitely loved that mainly because it wasn’t ME doing the work for everyone else. I know. I'm a real giver. I’m telling you though… it was HUGE job and must have taken these volunteers weeks to get everyone’s done. 

So apparently… home mailboxes are a big deal to folks. In other neighborhoods, for instance, some people even make their OWN mailboxes and posts. Some are very creative and some are very pretty. Some you can even tell that a lot of work went into their creations. Like the one up above, actually. Which is what I REALLY want to tell you about.

See how nicely the homeowner worked to treat the wooden post for his mailbox? And how he built it so it would house his specially selected box just perfectly? And see how nicely the hardware looks on the post? Yeah. Well, guess what.

IT DOESN’T LOOK THAT ANYMORE! Now it looks like this!! ALL BEAT UP AND LAYING ON THE GROUND, ALONG WITH THE SPECIAL NEWSPAPER BOX THAT SAT RIGHT SMACK NEXT TO IT. NOW… IT LOOKS LIKE A TOTAL FUCKING MESS!! 

You want to guess WHY?? Oh Jesus. I’ll tell you why, alright. BECAUSE OF ME, THAT’S WHY! I’M APPARENTLY A TOTAL MENACE TO ALL THINGS ON THE ROAD! EVEN THINGS ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD… LIKE MAILBOXES! Oh God. What an asshole I am.

All because I left my girlfriend’s house and drove around the street’s cul de sac like I’ve done a million times before AND NEXT THING YOU KNOW, I RAN RIGHT INTO THE FANCY SCHMANCY MAILBOX BELONGING TO SOMEONE I DON’T EVEN KNOW! It was horrible is all I can say.

Turns out, I pulled out my girlfriend’s driveway happy as a little lark, and went around the cul de sac alright BUT I WAS ALSO CHANGING THE SATELLITE RADIO'S CHANNEL IN MY CAR SO I COULD HEAR THE GEORGE FLLOYD TRIAL!! MY EYES WERE LITERALLY OFF THE ROAD FOR MERE SECONDS! And then of course… I heard THE most loud scrunch you ever heard, when my car immediately slammed into this mailbox and fucked up my car fender but GOOD. Don’t. Even. Ask.

Naturally, I then had to alert the homeowner who by the way, has this HUGE, LONG STEEP DRIVEWAY which I knew right off the bat, I never could walk. I totally drove my car up to the house and hopped out and rang the bell.

“HI. MY NAME IS LINDA AND I JUST DID SOMETHING HORRIBLE. I AM SOOO SORRY BUT I HAVE TO TELL YOU I JUST NOW RAN OVER YOUR BEAUTIFUL MAILBOX AND I FEEL TERRIBLE. I AM JUST SO VERY SORRY AND NEED TO KNOW WHAT YOU’D LIKE ME TO DO ABOUT IT. I THINK YOU BETTER COME TAKE A LOOK AT IT.”

Those are the exact words I used when I spoke to the sweet lady! She didn’t freak out at all and basically her come back to this news was: OH, DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT, MY HUSBAND WILL FIX IT… but I then had to say to her.. UH, NO. YOU BETTER COME SEE IT. IT DOESN’T LOOK GOOD AT ALL!

I think she was shocked but who could blame her?? I made a WRECK of her mailbox! And of the newspaper delivery box that is alongside it. Were someone to have done this to MY mailbox, I can almost promise you I’d never be as gracious as this woman, believe me. Of course… don’t think I will go unpunished however…

Can you believe this?? Have any clue what the repair costs to my car will be?? Well, actually, neither do I at the moment. But it will be PLENTY, trust me. The guy I WAS going to go to is out of commission for several weeks due to spinal surgery, so everything is kind of on hold for a moment. In fact, I try to ignore the entire thing as much as possible hoping that one day I will wake up and say to myself: OH, THAT’S NOT NEARLY AS BAD AS I ORIGINALLY THOUGHT! Uh… except it is. 

Oh man. This so isn’t good, is all I can say. I’m stuck with a major bill to replace my fender and will be without a car for God only knows how long. I’ll totally have to rent a car given I so don’t want to hop into a complete stranger and/or Uber driver’s car who, for all I know, is heavy into rape and death. Talk about taking a gamble on my own life! Oh yeah… btw, the people who own this mailbox never contacted me thus apparently they don’t hate me nor are they charging me for the placement of the box. I LOVE YOU LYNN AND HUNTER!

So much so that today I sent them a hotshit looking floral arrangement thanking them for understanding I’m now officially an old lady driver, sort of a loose cannon on the road. A kind, honest one, granted. But a threat to others nonetheless.

Which SO REMINDS ME.  Guess what else I have to do by next month.

I HAVE TO TAKE AND PASS THE VISION AND ROAD SIGN PART OF THE DRIVER’S TEST TO RENEW MY DRIVER’S LICENSE!! I’ve been in a panic over this renewal since 8 years ago, when I last took one. PLUS… get this… apparently my renewal can only be for 5 years since I’m over 66 years old!! Talk about age discrimination! I HATE THIS. Man. Am I ever going to have to load up on Ativan before I head on over there. Even as I write this, my heart is pounding from anxiety. I NEVER had feelings of not passing a test in high school OR college… but DRIVING TESTS FOR ROAD SIGNS AND EYEBALLS?? Boom. I’m totally a fucked up disaster.

Much like the mailbox and my car.


Tuesday, April 13, 2021

ROCK STAR

I’ve often said that in my next life I pray I will have a waistline. I also pray I’ll have a flat belly. And oh yeah… a hot looking ass, too. A natural red head wouldn’t go amiss, either. Lastly, I would LOVE to have a great singing voice. I guess when I was young, I could  MAYbe sing on key, but not really.

In fact, when my parents took me to college as a freshman, I remember my Dad seeing a sign in the University Center, it's student union building, inviting students to join the Glee Club on campus and then telling me... to sign up imMEDiately! Can you even imagine? I am so telling you. One audition and the club would throw me out on my fat ass in seconds flat. With MY voice? Please. So never going to happen.

Granted, before I became old, I could sing the words to every song ever recorded from 1949 on. Teresa Brewer, Patti Paige, Ray Charles, Frankie Laine, Sarah Vaughan, Frankie Valli, The Four Tops, Janis Joplin...etc. etc. Of course, even then, Fats Domino was my favorite. Well… until Elvis came along in the early 50s, that is. One look at him and bingo. He easily moved into #1 on my A List. But to imagine I actually HAD a voice was another thing altogether. So much for my singing career.

But guess what. Thanks to my niece, Laura, I now CAN be a singer, after all! Talk about a dream come true! I can’t even believe it. HOW did I become a rock star? Oh man… a sheer miracle is how. And you too, can become one also if you so desire. Right smack in your own living room if you want! Hallelujah. Is this the best idea or WHAT?? So the deal is…

There I was one day recently, having a perfectly wonderful day. And, it got even more wonderful because I got a text from Laura telling me that Amazon delivered a package for me. Now THAT’S music to my ears, alright. A PRESENT! One I didn’t even have to pay for myself! Xmas in April, if ever there was! So how long you think it took me to race to my front door? Uh… seconds.

So I grab the box, I sit down in my family room, I open it and I was stunned. THE most beautiful microphone you ever saw! A very high tech one too, btw, which only meant I had no clue at first what the hell it was all about. BUT… I still had to put it on my mantle regardless, given it was SO up my alley. Honestly... the microphone couldn't look any more beautiful than say a FabergĂ© egg. Well... except for the fact one is worth less than $40 maybe, and the other is worth about 40 MILLION... but who's counting. I briefly read the directions and decided this was way above my head thus needed to wait until I had time to really concentrate on what it was all about. The microphone sat there for about 5 days, maybe.

THEN… the time had come. Finally one evening, I figured it was time to check out this stunning microphone and see what was going on with it. OMG. YOU HAVE NO IDEA. I became a famous rock star within MINutes!

Turns out this microphone is also a portable home karaoke machine. I mean really… what could be more fun?? A major recording studio right at my fingertips! Seriously. You have several buttons that will do all kinds of things. To set it up however, you have to sync it to your cellphone or iPad Bluetooth. Then... you go to either a playlist of yours or to YouTube and bingo. You choose a song and START SINGING. LYRICS AND ALL! I could be Tina Turner or a back up to Elton John in no time at all! Shit… I fell in love with this immediately!!

I then Facetimed Laura and began singing with Tina right off the bat so she could see how her Aunt Linda was the instant musical star of the stage. Naturally, I was a hit. I then had to sing for my son, so I Facetimed him, too. He LOVED having a rock star for a Mother and laughed with sheer pride during my entire rendition. Then of course, I repeated my performance for anyone I could possibly think of. Why hold back? I had major fans within minutes. 

Which only means: forget about home being where the heart is. Better home should become your new karaoke studio! You’ll be a hit with everyone who enters your home, forever. Let alone any home you ever go to visit. Remember: this studio is portable! Stuff the mic in your purse, go somewhere, turn your phone on and boom. You’re now the entertainer of the year. And your friends can be one, too. Well… IF you let them try it out that is... but I’m not really sure I want to share my stardom quite yet.

In fact, Laura was telling me she was singing all over the place when she recently hosted a brunch at her house. Apparently she was entertaining everyone up the kazoo until one guest asked if they could try it out. SURE… HERE… TAKE IT AND SING A SONG! Uh… big mistake. Turns out the guest had a voice like you wouldn’t believe! Which is why I’m totally thinking twice before handing over my mic to anyone else. I know. But I hate competition so why even invite it. Meanwhile… the bottom line to all this??

GO BUY ONE OF THESE TOYS FOR ANYONE YOU LOVE. Oops. I mean one of these state of the art karaoke and/or recording enterprises. You will totally have the time of your life pretending you have record contracts with every music producer known to man. You want to be Aretha Franklin? No problem. You love Rod Stewart? Boom. You’re his back up singer. Country music? The blues? Doo Wop? IT DOESN’T MATTER. YOU’RE ALL OF THESE IN THE BLINK OF AN EYE! It’s totally amazing.

So… thank you Laura for giving me the chance to rock out any time my little heart desires. “You’re simply the best… better than all the rest”! I so wish Grandma could see me singing Engelbert Humperdinck’s RELEASE ME. She’d love it… it was totally her favorite!

Now… if only someone could give me that ass and waistline! But apparently I have to wait until my next life for that. Damnit. 

YES

Monday, April 12, 2021

13 YEARS LATER

So I’ve been living in my house for 13 and a half years now. And, I’d like to be able to live here 13 and a half more. I love my home. I love my location. I love my neighborhood. And oh yeah… I particularly love that I have no mortgage payments. Yay me.

On the other hand, I did not love the fact that the time had come. It was finally time for me to take a look around and see I needed to definitely spruce the house up a bit, in honor of a spring cleaning type of deal. Except… I began late this past winter, but who’s counting. But, the time for some sprucing up was in fact here and thanks to Amazon, I’ve had the pleasure of spending plenty of bucks in doing so. Kind of. I decided to keep my budget as much on the down low as possible, but still… everything costs money, in the end, right? In the meantime…

I began with my bedroom, being I love my bed and even more… I love to sleep. Plus, beginning with that room was kind of easy. Back in January I hopped onto Amazon, and immediately ordered new curtains, new comforter, new table covering, new towels, new duvet cover, and everything else new that one would  possibly need in the way of fabric. I didn’t switch up colors however, given white is my all time favorite color so naturally, I just stayed with it. I know. Most people use spring cleaning as a way to take advantage of switching out colors for everything, but not me. I stayed with what I love best. Hence, things are all still white. I know… boring. But, I’m absolutely happy with all that I ordered so who cares what others do. Amazon is pretty happy with me also btw, since if it’s monetary profit they’re into. then they pretty much should be smiling by now. And I totally think they are. Then again… so am I.

I even ordered new outdoor patio chairs for the deck, online. I had no clue how they would feel once I sat in them, but I wasn’t even going for comfort as much as for a somewhat decent appearance. I know… nice hostess, right? Besides… as Billy Crystal taught us all decades ago… it’s always more important to look good than to feel good. Additionally, I put my kid right to work when he was here for a recent visit home. I had him paint the base of the deck dining table to freshen that up a bit. I also had him do plenty of other manly jobs around the house, which is also a bonus for having him around. Like getting up on a ladder and cleaning my ceiling fan blades for example. Oh yeah… he also got way up on the ladder and replaced the light bulbs in my bedroom tray ceiling. My list for him was made weeks before his arrival so it pretty much boiled down to… YAY CHILD LABOR. A major perk to parenting, btw.

So basically this all meant… I did whatever it was I COULD do. For everything else, I used my favorite 4 letter word. No, not that one, although it IS a favorite of mine. Instead, my other favorite 4 letter word: HIRE. Which only means I then moved right smack into the things I couldn’t do. Uh… like hanging new window treatments in my computer room let’s say and painting several rooms in the house. Case in point: I’ve got like at least a 15 foot ceiling in my family room thus in no time at all, I figured my standing on a little step stool to paint THAT would get me no where but fast. Enter: workmen. YAY PROFESSIONALS.



In fact, as we speak… I have the carpet/upholstery people here cleaning the sofa I’ve always hated, the recliners I so love, the dining room chairs which I’ve had for YEARS AND YEARS and lastly, the carpet in the other two bedrooms of the house. A few years ago I had new hardwood flooring installed in the master bedroom to match the rest of the house but I totally cheaped out when it came to the bedrooms in which I don’t sleep. NOTHING BUT THE BEST FOR ME! For others however? Uh… not so much. Talk about “let them eat cake”. Regardless…

I made no dramatic changes to the house at all. But I DID clean it all. Sort of. And I’m pretty happy with everything I did so far. Oops. I mean everything all the people I hired did. Big difference. Besides... as far as I know, not one single piece of my jewelry was stolen. A huge plus, right? Oh yeah. You know those stimulus checks we all received, btw? Doesn’t even come close to covering all of my spring cleaning costs I’ve incurred thus far. I’m so not complaining, however.

THANK YOU UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT FOR BEING SO GENEROUS TO ME AFTER ALL THE TAXES I’VE PAID DURING MY LIFETIME, ALTHOUGH YOU SHOULD ALSO KNOW… I’M PRETTY MUCH DEVASTED WATCHING YOUR REPUBLICAN CONGRESSMEN/WOMEN DESTROY THE LAWS AND VALUES OF OUR SACRED NATION. Just saying. Regards to Mitch McConnell and Matt Gaetz, btw.

I don’t want to jinx myself, but any day now I am totally expecting my washer/dryer to die on me after 13 years. Already, a couple of years ago, I had to replace my ice dispenser as well as my dishwasher. Plus… the one burner on my glass stove top that I use almost ALL the time, is totally not operating correctly. I’ve perfected how to compensate for cooking on it however, but if YOU came in and tried to cook something… uh, good luck. You’ll burn your food in a second flat since that particular burner now likes one setting only: HIGH. In the meantime…

So far, I do have to say, I’m totally happy enough with the results of everything either I’ve done or had others do. I have been trying like hell by the way, to find outdoor cushions for the new chairs on the deck and apparently no where on the entire planet are there any that I like. Anything I’ve viewed online suck. So, as much as I don’t want to, guess who the new seamstress will be to make them herself. Don’t ask. I want bright, happy colors but apparently cushion suppliers around the world are into major drabby looking patterns and hues. Not only that… I am STUNNED at the cost these people are touting lately. Granted, THEIR finished product looks absolutely professional while mine will look only somewhat decent. Maybe. But hopefully, it  will do the trick, regardless. I guess time will tell. Oh yeah… speaking of time…

Care to guess how much time it is taking me to get everything BACK in place now that all the  workmen have completed their jobs? Think: way more than you’d imagine! No wonder. I’m pretty lazy. Plus… I had to move SO many items out of the way to begin with, so little by little… very little, actually… I am putting things back in place. I’m also throwing a lot of things out altogether, during this process. Besides, at my age, one totally can’t declutter enough, if you ask me. You should only SEE how many picture frames I’m ditching while on this quest. My thinking is: in a month’s time I should totally be back in tip top shape. Maybe.

Bottom line: Yay spring cleaning. I can only hope I’m finished by summer. Even by next winter will work.

VOTE YOUR FAV: YFFY. AND YES... I ALREADY KNOW YOURS. LOL