Sunday, July 29, 2018

INDEED... IT HAPPENED


Dedicated to: Gail, who through a stroke of luck, happened  upon my blog and had such kind words to send my way. So happy you accidently discovered Living As Linda. And… had a chuckle or two while visiting.

So low and behold the big day has indeed now come and gone. The day I turned 70 years old.

Turns out it was a wonderful day, as was the big celebration a few days before. Am so telling you… a sure way to overcome the shock of becoming way old is to totally have a bunch of your favorite folks at a happy bash and bingo. Next thing you know, the disturbing realization of being much closer to The End is suddenly soothed by celebrating with family and friends.

For believe you me… turning 70 is a milestone, for sure. Besides, who even knows whether or not I’ll even be around for 75 so what the hell. Celebrate now. Serioulsy… know just how many people never even SEE 70?? I have too many friends who didn’t and don’t even get me started on celebrities, etc. who not only kicked the bucket before hand but more importantly… suffered from ill health. Uh… apparently my addiction to Diet Coke and a high carb diet has paid off pretty well up to this point. From here on in, who the hell cares whether or not I hold out to 75. Life has been pretty damn good to me and I’ve enjoyed the ride, plenty. Thus shed no tears if I happen to meet my Maker before 75. I’ve lived what I affectionately call a “lifetime” already, thank goodness. So what could be bad?


Besides… becoming 80??? OMG. I don’t even want to think of my physical condition by then. For I see no glory whatsoever in not knowing what the hell day it is or not being able to drive or God forbid… being in pain. Nor is there any glory in living beyond the monies one may have to support a somewhat comfy life style. No bucks, no life, is the way I see it. Anyway…


Sure enough, I had a great party. There were about 44 of us gathered for a great evening of excellent food, excellent rock and roll, bebopping on the dance floor and naturally… enjoying some outstanding birthday cake. The weather was delightful after days and days of rain and plans for having coffee and cake out on the veranda, amongst the stunning NC mountains, worked out perfectly fine. Yippee. My guests and I had fun, for sure.

Oh yeah… in case you don’t know exactly what 70 looks like in 2018… boom. There you have it in the picture up above. Thanks btw, to the photographer, Nick, whom I hired to make sure the momentous occasion was captured for posterity. Yes… I know. Jane Fonda looked about 40 at her 70th birthday party, but basically SHE is a freak of nature. Not to mention: stunning. I on the other hand am neither but who gives a shit. Which reminds me... you've checked out Christie Brinkley lately?? SO not fair. Oh well.

All in all I have about 175 pictures and I must admit, everyone in them look like they had a terrific time. The tables and centerpieces all looked pretty festive and thus I was able to capture just the vibe for which I was hoping. It was simple: fun and feast.  Bingo. Mission accomplished.

And just to assure we got off to the right start, btw, I had guests being served champagne as they entered the party. My take is: no sense being bummed when you can so easily be buzzed. Kinda like: why take chances your shindig is a flop.

I must admit… I would have loved to have had my brother and parents at my party. They would never have believed that I was so happy to celebrate this occasion. Nor that I am so happy here in my beloved little town, let alone how glad I am to have my sister and sister in law living here, as well.

So basically, the bottom line is: YAY BIRTHDAYS! For all of you who can celebrate in a big way or small… celebrate indeed! Life is to be enjoyed and while they say it’s the little things in life that count, believe you me, bigger, happy bashes totally don’t hurt in the least.

Now of course, I’m off to begin my pre-prep for a colonoscopy I am having this week. The actual prep begins tomorrow. Don’t ask. Yet another sign of being 70. Not a great sign mind you, but a sign nonetheless. Speaking of which: Dear God. Please don’t let me shrink one iota this coming year. I could almost handle the colonoscopy better than I might a short stature.








Sunday, May 13, 2018

PURGING


No. I’m not bulimic. Though at times I totally think it’s an optimal way to keep my weight in check. Instead, as I’ve mentioned before, I’m in the throes of purging a zillion household items.

It all began about two months ago, knowing my 70th birthday was just around the corner. For some reason, THIS birthday, more than any other, has affected me far more than I’d have ever imagined. I mean seriously… it hit me that when you hit 70, you have totally entered into old age. When you hit 80, you’re CERtainly looking towards the other side of the grass. Anyway…

The major reaction to my birthday this year is to completely rid myself of 50% of everything in my house. I have SO many things I no longer need nor use. From my beautiful fancy china, to jewelry, to lingerie, to crystal wine glasses, to vases, to books, to DVDs, to linens, to almost any and every thing. I’ve got so much stunning crap, you’d never believe it. But stunning or not... the time has come to purge with a vengeance.

I started with my closet. And… I'm not even close to emptying it. There are 3 pretty decent sized closets in my house, my personal walk in closet definitely being the largest. Which actually is why I fell in love with house in the first place. I’ve also got 2 smaller closets and another 2 even smaller. In the meantime, I’ve already carted off 6 huge bags of stuff I’m  finally ready to part with and as we speak… I have 4 more bags sitting on my bedroom floor ready to head on out next week. I’m way far off from completing this task, too, considering the 10 bags I’ve filled is only from ONE side of my closet. Eeks.

Plus… I haven’t even tackled my drawers, the linen closet nor the other two closets of clothes, either. I’m telling you… this is a project that could take me well into my 71st birthday! But that’s okay because I truly have to say… it’s a fanTAStic feeling to be cleansing myself of all this beautiful, adored shit. You’d almost think I’d be so sad to rid myself of so many things I’ve enjoyed for so many years but actually… its like lifting so much weight off my shoulders. Talk about conspicous consumption!

Oh yeah… and I’ve got to eventually get to the garage, too. THAT will be like 4 projects rolled into one. It’s just that the time has come for all my crap to find a new home. To I hope, a really nice home. Actually, my kid should be really happy I’m doing all this because 1.) he probably doesn’t want any of these treasures, valuable or not and 2.) whatever I don’t get rid of now… he’ll have to do when I kick the bucket! Oh… get this… I even seriously considered getting rid of my house and downsizing! Then of course, I came to my senses. Although I did check out several condos, but I’m so not ready for that YET.

It’s just too bad I’m so lazy for were I to have a garage sale, I could rake in plenty! But even that is too overwhelming for me to even think about. Just tagging the items could take me weeks. Remember: I’m old now.

I’m basically way into the less is more mode right now and as I said… I’m pretty happy about it. My goal is to make my house look much like it did a week after I moved into it. Something here. Something there. Minimal accessories. Whoever said purging isn't healthy needs to think again. For me... it's cleansing as hell.   




Wednesday, May 2, 2018

AM SUCH A LAZY ASS

I know. It’s been AGES since I’ve added to this blog of mine... which many of you call fantastic, btw... and part of the delay has been due to my being so damn busy. Which is totally true; yet an even bigger part of it has been due to my simply being so damn lazy. So lazy in fact, that this is actually the very first entry I’ve added since the end of 2017. So much has been going on that frankly, I don’t even know where to start… let alone what I can even remember. The thought of creating all the posts I wish to upload is so overwhelming to me that… uh… I’m just way too lazy to even attempt it. Therefore…

I’m beginning to think that maybe the best way for me to catch up and remind myself of what I’ve been up to for the past six months is to merely do it by way of pictures. Now THERE’S a lazy-ass way of doing things, if ever there was. Of course I’m going to have to go check which picts I have and hopefully come up with a few that will bring us all up to date in the Land of Linda.

Naturally… the first item to note will be THE big event of 2018. And, no. I don’t mean Michael Cohen heading to the Big House, which of course I pray he will eventually share with the guy who’s now in the White House. Nor do I mean the wedding of Harry and Meghan which is a huge event if ever there was. 

No. I mean, instead, MY TURNING 70 YEARS OLD IN JUST OVER TWO WEEKS FROM NOW!! 

To me, this is THE major wonder of all that may happen in the coming year. I am just so floored over this, I can’t even tell you. Oh yeah… and as a side note… Harry’s marriage happens to occur on my very birthday but trust me, it goes without saying, MY event is way more monumental! Therefore…

I am going to start my picture blog with a shot of my birthday invitation. I loved every minute of creating it… and btw, you’d have thought I was creating the invite to Royal Wedding, but whatever. I eventually came up with something I liked and for all of you who didn’t get one specifically, it's a shame, for I must say, the evening is going to be totally excellent. Besides, like for all major events, I had to have SOME sort of a cut off point.



Granted… I could totally write an entire entry for any one of these photos but as I said, I’m too damn lazy. Anyway, up next is a shot for a friend of mine who decided to become a vegetarian. She even uploads a bunch of videos in which she tests vegan packaged snacks, in real time. Some are apparently pretty decent in the taste department while others totally suck. In her honor, I myself tried a vegetarian dinner one night and I must say it was deLICious. No wonder. Look what I made.



Speaking of food… I don’t know where I was but from the photo, I apparently had ordered breakfast. A damn good breakfast, I might add. Uh… and pretty filling. Again, no wonder. Check out my order which  is pretty much true to form although I must admit I never finish the entire meal. Well, except for this morning. Wow. Some hungry man meal, if ever there was.



So I was in Florida a couple of months ago and had a fantastic time. Most people take photos of all the activites they do and all the people they were with. Not me. I had to shoot a pair of boots I saw in Nordstrom’s which are way up my alley. Uh… minus the pricing. I’m thinking they were around $500 – $600 but now they’re on sale, priced at $300, so never say never. Except: unless I move to Hollywood, I think we’re safe to say never.



This photo is maybe my alltime favorite. I was still in Florida at the time and it’s of a man named Abe who soon became my buddy while I was out on the hotel’s patio, off the pool area. I was totally intrigued by him IMMEDIATELY. Namely because he never put his teeth into his mouth unless he was leaving the hotel. Soon enough he started chatting me up while on the patio each day and don’t ask what I learned about this 90 year old man! After being there for five days, I learned PLENTY. Including the fact he loved every outfit I had worn each day. Huh? He’s sizing up my clothing rather than checking out all the hot young ladies in their string bikinis?? Shows how off his thinking is as he gets really old. Oh yeah… his wife kicked the bucket a couple of years ago, so his daughter wanted him to check out some senior living facilities. You can now see why. He spent hours napping, which actually, is right up my alley. I can't beLIEVE how much this photo... which he had no clue I took... makes me laugh!



So one day recently I decided to make some eggs. I cracked three, thinking I’ll go with an omelet. I was STUNNED to find that I instead, was having five! I couldn’t believe it. Two of the eggs I cracked actually had twins! There were two with double yokes and frankly, I almost cringed at the thought of eating them. On the other hand, I was starved, so I lived on the edge and scrambled them anyway. Like what the hell are the odds of this ever happening??? 3 to 5 maybe???



This may be my favorite photo of all, one which I think I may actually have to frame. I was in Atlanta for a long weekend recently, and we were on the 18th floor. Which in turn gave me excellent views from the huge balcony off the bedroom. What I was most struck with was the building across the way, which was made of glass windows that were sort of all lined up, but catty-cornered to each other. So that basically, each corner was touching the one next to it but at an almost 45 degree angle. Granted, I was far from being able to check it out for size and/or degree verification, but the reflection from these windows, of all the buildings around it, gave it a fanTAStic, amazing architectural design. It totally blew my mind. I zoomed my lens way in, and bingo, this is what I was able to capture! I so deserve a photography award.



Ever go out to dinner, hoping you’ll be safe and sound from any criminal activity? Yeah, well I do too, which is why I was a little startled when I was dining at a downtown restaurant recently and lo and behold what do I see as soon as I walk in? A GANGSTER POINTING HIS GUN!! Seriously. Naturally, I fell in love with him immediately thus had to pose with this guy who I’ll just call Johnny the Thug. I also had to imagine, btw, this is SO not what I call great customer relations, but wtf. I took a picture with him nonetheless. I mean really… in this day and age, and especially my being so anti gun, talk about politically incorrect. A crazy photo op however, right??



I adore this next photo! Man… I simply HAD to laugh right out loud! So the deal is… Zebulon had gone outside to play in the backyard, which he does a zillion times a day, given he has free access to come and go as he pleases. This time however, apparently he went out just after my lawn had been mowed and voila'! I took one look at him when he came back in and grabbed my camera immediately!  Can you blame me?? He is just so adorable, you can't believe it. This is hilarious. Just LOOK at his paws!



Speaking of outside… SPRING IS HERE. Want proof?? Here. Take a look at the flowers you can see when walking downtown. Stunning! Unfortunately this flower remains in bloom for maybe two weeks?? Which is too bad, for it only means one thing: summer is here soon; a season I HATE.



And last but not least… ME AT 70! Also, me with the beginning of permanent wrinkles. EEKS. So not attractive but it is what it is. In the meantime I am, for the first time ever, having a mild meltdown at how old I am! It's amazing to me that I'm so freaked about beginning my 70s, mainly because I can not even IMAGINE reaching my 80s. Also because, you are officially OLD when you are in your 7th decade. I'm even beginning to purge all my worldly goods, unless they are absolutely exceptionally important to me. Even my treasured private biographical library of every member of the British Monarchy, starting with Queen Victoria, is on it's way out the door. Not to mention the purging of my closet, jewelry, DVDs, knick knacks, etc. etc.


  
So there you have it… my life from the past six months in a kind of photographic capsule. Now… if only it won’t take me another six months before I get back into the blogging groove, I’ll be a happy woman. More importantly YOU’LL be a happy reader. Unless of course this lazy ass way of life becomes a permanent life style for me, which is so probable, indeed! YEA! MY BIRTHDAY IS JUST AROUND THE CORNER. Gulp.









Friday, November 24, 2017

THE CLEAN PLATE CLUB


See that picture up there? It’s what I feed Zebulon… my most adorable Havanese dog who frankly…  is good enough to eat , no pun intended. Who knew he’d turn out to be the cutest animal on earth??

Next week he will be a year old and I am so telling you. He is like THE perfect dog. Well.. except on the days he is a bastard dog but that’s only because he’s now old enough to begin“marking” his territory around the house and it will totally be the death of me. But whatever…

Zebulon is so beautiful, so happy, so smart, has such soft fur and is lucky as shit to have such a comfy home in which to live. Let alone to have such a wonderful lady of the house to care for him. Uh… that would be me, btw. What I love best about Zebulon is that he is on a perfect sleep schedule whereby he will sleep in his crate until I wake up… about 10:00 a.m. let’s say. I mean, seriously. This is WAY better than when my own kid was a baby! Plus… whenever I nap, I make the annoucement TIME FOR A NAP and boom. He heads to his crate and naps too.


In the meantime… this dog enjoys THE best meals on the planet. I mean it. He totally eats better than I do. And… he gulps down his meals in seconds flat, given it is as close to gourmet as he’s ever going to get. I’m actually borderline jealous.

For the first 8 months of his life, Zebulon ate some brand or other of really healthy dry dog food. And, he was pretty much thriving. Then about several weeks ago, I happened to pick up a couple of packs of some connoction of wet dog food made by Rachel Rae who by the way… I should only be so lucky as to have her cook for ME rather than for Zebulon. The dog food she makes is like major cuisine and the first time he tasted her food line, Zebulon went nuts with delight! Plus, theres no soy, wheat, corn, etc. etc. thus is supposedly major healthy for him.

It took mere minutes for Zebulon to down his entire food bowl and I was SHOCKED at the excitement this animal felt over his new food. Talk about night and day. He went from really enjoying his meals to: OMG. I’M IN DEFINITE DOG HEAVEN WITH EACH AND EVERY BITE OF THIS NEW DOG FOOD THE LADY OF THE HOUSE IS SERVING ME!

As well he should be! When you open a package of Rachel’s dog food, you can actually SEE that it’s made from real people-like food. Case in point: last night was Rustic Duck night and I was this far from wanting to heat it up for mySELF Seriously… the duck, brown rice and peas looked amazingly scrupmtious.  Way better than the stupid salad I was about to down. And oh yeah… I swear… Zebulon has definitely put on some pounds since beginning this cuisine! About 4 pounds I think and now I’m this far from putting him on a diet! Can you even imagine??

So the lineup basically is: chicken pot pie, beef stew, duck, lamb stew, and a couple of other fantastic choices. All have veggies in them, too. In each of the choices you see all real food and very little gravy thus you can tell right off the bat Zebulon is not being scammed by some company trying to put just a mouthful of beef in a boatload of gravy. I’m telling you… it’s real food! So basically… my dog’s life went from blessed to down right out of this world FABULOUS. Never once, btw, has he ever left a drop in his bowl.

I do have to also say… my sweet Zebulon is by far the most wonderful pet and I NEVER leave a pet store without buying him 4 new toys. I can’t help it. I see the displays and just KNOW he’d love chomping away on them. I even bought some cheapie outdoor play equipment for him, his favorite being this LONG nylon tunnel through which he loves to run a hundred mile per hour. It’s hilarious to watch. Anyway…

In closing, I readily admit I am filled with a huge amount of envy that my dog has a personal high profile chef making his meals and I DON’T! A chef is something I’ve always wanted, for sure. Well, that and a Lady in Waiting. I’m way into personal service and apparently so is Zebulon. His plate is always as clean as a whistle and basically so is mine. Except he’s eating gourmet and uh… I’m not.







Monday, November 6, 2017

ANOTHER SENIOR MOMENT

It was over a year ago that I wrote about my unhappy discovery that I apparently shrunk in height. I was at the doctor’s and much to my chagrin they ALways make me get on the scale, afterwhich they then take my height measurement.

Yes, I had lost weight, but believe me, that did nothing to make me smile about my height being an inch shorter. I remember well how I was TOTally freaked that day. Talk about getting old but FAST. It definitely startled my psyche, proving once again I’m a bona fide senior citizen. EEEKS.

Well guess what. IT HAPPENED AGAIN.

Only this time, it occured while I was in the shoe department of Stein Mart. And… I was as heartsick upon my discovery as I was during the original height discovery. Man. My years are SO so numbered. Regardlless…

There I was, happily browsing Stein Mart, finally making my way to the shoe department. I had to. They were having a sale whereby you could buy one pair of shoes and get 50% off any other pair; an offer I usually don’t fall for, btw. I find it retail offensive given they are basically trying to scam you into spending even more money than you really intended. But whatever.

Turns out this time however, I really DID find two pairs of shoes I wanted so basically, it wound up being a good thing afterall. What wasn’t so good was…

In both cases I selected my normal shoe size. I tried them on and then walked around a moment to test things out. It was then that I thought to myself… hmmm… these are a bit roomy, so I think maybe I should go down a size. Boom I tried on one size smaller and again… a bit too roomy. At this point, I didn’t think too much about it given different manufactures often have different fits. Finally I found a size that fit perfectly. A full size smaller, I might add.

It was when I got to the SECond pair of shoes, and found them ALso too roomy that I began to  become very unsettled. Then it hit me.

OMG. IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN. I’M SHRINKING. I’M BECOMING WAY TOO OLD. SIGNALS ARE COMING AT ME FROM ALL OVER THE PLACE! NOW EVEN MY FEET ARE BECOMING OLD LADY-ISH!!

I am just so shocked at all the signs pointing to my being a full fledged senior citizen. Not even that, actually. A full fledged old lady with only mere years left on the planet! OMG. This is just so disheartening.

Okay. So at 40 I needed glasses. At 50 I needed a list for almost everything. At 60 I needed blood pressure medicine. Now at 70??? I’m fucking losing inches!!  Not to mention the sagging breasts, bullshit thighs, forgetting what I was looking for… and everything in between. Oh man. This is so not a pretty picture.

I will say however, that in spite of my horror, a good thing did come out of it all. I DID wind up with two pairs of beautiful shoes. Granted... shoes way smaller than I've ever worn since high school. Here… check it out for yourself. I happen to love both and they are way comfortable, too. The second pair are not usually my favorite, with the scallops and all, but as it happens… on the foot, it looks really pretty.


Oh yeah… I think I’ll order these online, too. Totally stunning. Afterall, in my book, no one can ever have too many black shoes. Especially not in my closet. 


In closing, I do have to say that a really good thing occurred last week. I had a mammogram and bone density exam and I am thrilled that my bones are pretty much in as good a shape as they were 10 years ago. Apparently, in SPIte of my shrinkage. I guess I can live with all this, certainly because thank GOD my health at large seems to be holding it’s own and is in kinda tip top shape. So far, anyway. BUT….


If too many other things begin to happen as I approach 70, I’ll so not be happy. It’s when I can’t drive anymore, hear anymore or walk any more… THAT’S when I will be closer and closer to considering my planned little end of life cocktail. On the other hand… I’ll have really spiffy looking shoes to wear when headed over to the other side. Which is more important than you might think.

Sunday, November 5, 2017

BEING TALENTED


They say that all of us are born with talents. Some spectacular. Some way, way less so. I totally fall into the second category.

Some people THINK I have talent, but that’s so not true. MAYbe I'm gifted in an area or two, but frankly, what it probably all boils down to is: I just have  chutzpa. I atTEMPT to do great masterpieces, but trust me. Nothing ever comes close. 

Granted... people often tell me that some of my projects are pretty damn outstanding, but in reality, they’re not. It’s just that I at least try. If it works, excellent. If not… no big deal. I throw it out. But even my best results are nothing more than below average.

I will admit however: some of my knitting projects are pretty damn good. Only occasionally, some of my paintings are okay. My photography is probably better than most of my other projects. Even this blog is nothing more than stupid chit chat. Turns out I can create ideas, but executing them isn’t all that remarkable. On the other hand…

I will say I have a DEFinite talent for being able to nap almost anytime, anywhere. This is  probably my favorite accomplishment for there ARE people who say they can NEVer sleep during the day. I so feel sorry for them. An hour’s nap is nature’s best all time luxury, if you ask me.

My other definite talent… are you sitting down??…  is that I can literally eat a 16 ounce steak without even batting an eyelash!  I know, It’s nothing to brag about but, seriously… it’s something I can do that most people can’t and I USUALLY don’t feel all that full afterwards. Talk about being a committed carnivore! And a gifted one at that.

Yet eating a pound of meat is exactly what I did tonight. Not all that long ago, either. And... the kicker is: if you asked me to go take a walk all around the neighborhood moments after I finished, I could probably do it with no problem at all. If I had had a pound of pasta however, I’d be a basket case. If I had even a small amount of ice cream… I’d have to bypass the walk altogether for in no time, I’d have to hit the ladies’ room. Regardless…

I do have to say that I LOVE a good steak. I always have. My sister for instance, served her family chicken 6 nights out of 7. I served mine SOME sort of meat. I never served them fish. Although could I have been able to afford it, I’d have made Florida lobster tails every meal of the day, every day of the week. Case in point…

When my Mother was diagnosed with cancer at the age of 83, I distinctly remember bringing her home from the doctor’s, telling my Dad about the office visit and then on the way home… stopping at my local seafood market and buying 3 pounds of lobster tails just to ease my ache. Which naturally, once I got home, I downed EASILY. But whatever.

I guess boasting about my tremendous appetite isn’t neccessarily a good thing. But it IS an amazing talent of mine, so I might as well own it. And oh yeah…

Those fancy schmancy restaurants where they serve you an entree’ that is so small, it really belongs on a mere salad plate?? I totally hate that. The chefs are definitely trying to pass off a child’s portion as haute cuisine and I resent them for doing so. Besides… I love a Whopper with cheese just as much as I love Beef Wellington. Anyway…

Of the many times my friends and/or family may have seen me down a huge portion of steak or even seen me take a nap at the drop of a hat, never once did any of them tell me how tremendously gifted I am. But what do they know? For rest assured… I consider these two items right smack on the top five of my list of true talents. Unfortunately, I can’t tell you the other three.

Well... except for the one whereby I can babble on and on and on about absolutely nothing of import. Now THAT'S a talent alright. I could NEVER do a 1000 piece puzzle. Nor could I even create a drop dead fantastic Halloween costume. But... eat three times more than most women? Boom. That I have down pat.



Monday, October 23, 2017

STAYIN' ALIVE


Given I’ll be 70 years old in about 7 months, I figured it would behoove me to do SOMEthing in the name of health and fitness. Boom. To help me stay alive, I broke down and joined Planet Fitness about 6 months ago.

It’s acually a pretty popular place.  A kinda cool place, too. Naturally I would never consider getting up early in the morning when the hordes of other people go, given I’m still in bed, snoozing and probably in the throes of some sort of a dream. Instead…

I like going anywhere between 5 and 7 in the evening let’s say, when yes, there are lots of people, but it’s not overwhelming at all. Which works out pretty well because this place is HUGE.

With zillions of all kinds of work out machines, I might add. I mean ZILLIONS. Plus… there are alot of different work out areas depending on what type of workout you want.  Weights, muscle building circuits, ellipicals, treadmills, etc. etc.

Me… I take the lazy way out. I find a perfect little spot tucked away in one of the side areas and lay my yoga mat down for about a 40 minute stretching session. Then I go on the treadmill for about 20 more minutes. Plus… I love never having to miss out on my addiction to political news shows since there are hordes of TVs at most workout stations. I pop on my earphones… catch the latest updates and discussions and bingo. I’m excercising up the kazoo while also feeding my need to know.

It’s also kinda neat because after your workout, if you fell for the higher priced membership, which naturally I did, you can go to the special relaxation rooms. As in: a water massage bed, a tanning room, a massage chair, etc. Plus… it’s open 24 hours a day which is a major bonus for me. Of course I totally miss  out on the Pizza Mondays and Bagel Tuesdays since that is served pretty much before noon but whatever. In the meantime…

For a couple of weeks this past summer I went with my out of town guest to Planet Fitness, who by the way, gets to accompany me for free use of the gym as often as we’d like. It’s a pretty good set up, actually. Totally like 2 for the price of 1. In the meantime… of all the excellent features this gym offers what REALLY stunned my friend most of all was: uh… the picture up above. THE KEY BOARD. Not for the computer but rather… car keys. Locker keys. House keys. ANY kind of keys.

The bottom of this board is about 3 1/2 feet up from the floor and is huge. It probably goes up another 2 feet to the top. Which means: it’s also a definite haven for anyone wanting to steal your car. Or enter your house. Or whatever. 

Except for one thing:  NO ONE EVER EVER EVER DOES.

In fact my set of keys are right up there… right at the inner bend of the middle finger. I don’t know… I guess I have about 4 keys and 3 grocery store scanning cards on my ring. ANYone could have access to my entire life. Except: they apparently could care less about me or my keys.

Talk about trusting your neighbors!!! Granted… it’s a major gamble, sort of like a theft just waiting to happen, but in my little town? Man… if I can’t trust my fellow workout folks here, then I can’t trust them anywhere. My friend was aMAZed at my trust. And eveyone else’s trust, too! They were simply astonished that every car in the gigantic parking lot wasn’t being driven away, one by one, by the minute!

And yes. I do have to admit it’s pretty stunning to me too, that crime at this place is basically non-existent. Well… I don’t know for SURE, but it’s definitely pretty safe compared to large ass cities. But to my friend?? Whoa. They thought this trust in each others’ key rings was by far the most astounding occurrence since Americans landed on the moon! For this sort of decency would NEVer occur in their home city.

Which of course why I so love where I live. Drop a wallet somewhere? Boom. You’ve got an 89% chance that you’ll get a call from someone saying HEY. GUESS WHAT? I FOUND YOUR WALLET IN A PARKING LOT! I should know… it totally happened to me. In the meantime… working out at a gym is always a good thing. Working out in a gym where you can trust strangers? That’s a BETter thing.  




Thursday, October 19, 2017

ABSOLUTELY THRILLING


Oh man. I’m such a sucker for events like this and I was totally into all of it. Naturally… I’m speaking about viewing the recent eclipse.

Granted... I am writing about this a few months later but whatever. I just have had one of the busiest few months this past summer thus finding time to write was a major challenge. Which makes it a good thing that I'm not being paid by some boss for my output, for I would have been fired years ago, believe me. In any case...

As luck would have it… I live in a city that was able to see the eclipse at 99.79% totality and okay, it didn’t get comPLETEly pitch black, but whoa, the sky did get reallllly kinda eerie looking. Kinda like a hurricane was going to make landfall right smack on top of me within mere minutes. It was pretty mind blowing and had I seen this in my 20s or 30s, when I was hard core stoned, whoa. It would have been all out freaky! I had several friends btw, who traveled a couple of hours away to see 100% totality and frankly, they sort of wasted their time if you ask me. Plus… they had to leave really early and the traffic coming home was often a jam packed problem. Regardless….

I stayed here in my beloved city and decided I had a great bird’s eye view of everything. At 1 o’clock 3 of went to the country club for lunch where the huge windows look down upon the golf course. At about 2 o’clock the wait staff pretty much began getting excited because they’d run out every few minutes to see what was doing up in the sky and would come back in totally psyched. Which of course was our cue to get up and go check it out for ourselves.

OMG. THE FIRST TIME I LOOKED UP AND SAW THE MOON BEGINNING TO COVER THE SUN I WAS STUNNED AT THE MAGNIFICENCE OF WHAT WAS HAPPENING. 

It was amazing to say the least! What shocked me even more was the fact the moon was so black and the sun was so ORANGE. I will never forget my first glimpse of it, is all I can say. It gave me a huge sense of sheer awe.

After the initial sighting we came back in to finish more of lunch and then we’d hop back up every few minutes. Finally…. at about 2:20 we went outside for good, given the totality of the eclipse was but minutes away. Several more people began congregating together and all of us were in the same state of amazement. I even shared my sun blocking glasses with a couple of dweebs who never bought any to begin with. I mean seriously... 

Who lives in a city where 99% of the sun was going to be covered at 2:40 in the afternoon and doesn’t even buy eclipse glasses? Losers, that's who. Jeez. In fact, up above you can see the exact glasses I wore, which for now seems to have worked pretty well given a.) so far, I'm not blind and b.) I got from mine optometrist, in the first place. Anyway…


It was totally one of the most exciting days of my life, no pun intended. Man… Mother Nature is a miracle, indeed. For those of you who missed this event btw, I feel badly for you which means you have to now wait until 2024 for the next eclipse to come across the U.S. And then, you'll have to plant yourself somewhere between Maine and Texas. But trust me... it will oh so worth it! 

Monday, August 7, 2017

WARDROBE MALFUNCTION

So before I even get started let me just say I am THRILLED my dreaded summer of heat has been passing along pretty quickly. I couldn’t be happier. I totally think that having had company for two weeks in July definitely helped and bingo. Here I am with only about 5 weeks left before I move right on into the beginnings of autumn. My most beloved season of them all.

Just what I’ve been doing since I last posted I really can’t say but I have indeed been busy, happy and feeling excellent. Besides… like I’ve mentioned before… this Life Calculator deal that I saw online tells me I supposedly have only 6 more summers to go before I kick the bucket so I guess I better suck up as much joy as I possibly can no matter what the season or festivity. I only pray I live long enough to see that Trump doesn’t bring our country to ruins altogether but that’s a story for another day. In the meantime…

I had a pretty startling experience today. It all began with my having taken some cooked ribs out of the freezer this morning imagining they would make a perfectly fine dinner for tonight. Then I went about my lovely day, naturally coming home and eventually taking my alltime favorite… a nap.

For some reason when I woke up however, I totally had a hankering for Garlic Chicken from my local Chinese takeout which I like to frequent at least once a week. I know. Somehow I’ve developed a taste for this bullshit place but regardless 1.) I don’t have to cook and 2.) I’ve become addicted to it. Whatever.

The problem began when I went to go pick up the order. I still had on the clothes I wore all day, minus my bra which absolutely comes off within minutes of my ever coming home. I pretty much stay dressed all day long, until I take my evening shower, but my bra? THAT comes off imMEDiately. And usually stays off unless I ever have to go out once again.

Which was my major dilemma tonight. Did I REALLY have to put it back on just to run out to this Chinese dump where I’ll probably see no one I know? Could I sort of fake it… kinda like run right in, pick up the food and run right back out again? I chose the latter. I figured WTF. I’d forget about the bra.

Until I looked in the mirror, that is. 

Oh man. So freakin’ disgusting. I had on an opaque white cotton tunic t-shirt, one you definitely could not see through. Thus that wasn’t the problem. Rather the problem was that see through or not…. you could SO see that my breasts were just this shy of touching my knees. Saggy would not even beGIN to describe this horrifying fashion look. Even I was aghast at viewing myself.

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON WITH ME, ANYWAY?? I so don’t think this is normal aging. MAJOR wardrobe malfunction going on! Okay… pert and perky days are well behind me but seriously. THIS saggy?? I don’t think even one friend of mine is looking like I do at this age. Probably not even my Mother when she was 84!

Which basically made me turn right smack around, walk into my bedroom, put my bra back on, and then check out the difference. OMG. Talk about night and day. Within moments my breasts went from looking like 110 years old to oh... about 50, I guess. No WONDER bra manufacturers charge so much. They SO deserve the big bucks.

Which basically makes me feel as if I am completely pulling a scam on the entire world. With bra on? You’d almost think my breasts were decent enough. With bra off? You’d want to throw up altogether. 

Which is why up above, I’m including a pict of my actual bra but certainly not on my actual body. I wear only black unless I’m wearing a sheer white shirt and I only wear this plunge style. Gives nice cleavage, btw, don’t you think. Anyway…

I’m thinking the public at large should pretty much thank me for coming to my senses and donning this upper body shapeware everyday. Of course...now… it’s the LOWer body shapeware that needs a major workover. One which I suspect only a plastic surgeon can correct. If only.

In closing, I absoultely have to thank Mary Phelps Jacob, who in 1914 apparently had the first patent on today's modern bras in the United States. Without her I'd be scaring anyone who ever looked my way. I'm only so sad she couldn't be around today to see just how far her idea for uplifting women has come. On the other hand... I bet she'd flip fucking out at how far women's panties have come! Who knew G string undies would soar in everyday popularity? And oh yeah. Don't even get me started on waxing.    

Wednesday, July 19, 2017

UNPAID WHORE


Okay... first of all, I can not beLIEVE how long it's been since I've had chance to write. Man, have I been busy. I actually have about five entries started, but never had time to finish any one of them before boom. Something ELSE of note popped into my head and next thing you know... days and days go by before I in fact, upload an actual, completed entry. Talk about time flying when having fun.

Second of all, today however.... something happened that I decided I needed to write about and actually finish! Turns out I learned that apparently I'm... sitting down??... A NO GOOD UNPAID WHORE. Whoa. Shocking right?? THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT, TOO. I WAS SIMPLY FLABBERGASTED to say the least. But...

According to Dr. Laura that's exactly what I am. WTF?? 

So let's start at the beginning. Many years ago, while driving in the car, I used to listen to this conceited, judgmental, sick thinking lady until one day I had finally had ENOUGH of her bullshit advice. I mean geez... she was soooo cruel, so inflexible, so arrogant and just so full of herself. 

Which means you can only IMAGINE how totally thrilled I was in 1998 when naked pictures of her were splashed all over the Internet. I was in my total glory. Here... in case you happened to miss the entire event... check this out although I warn you now: 1. They are explicit and 2. MAYbe they're picts of someone else although the word on the street is that it's truly her. Graphic Nude Dr. Laura  

Besides... her degree in psychoanalysis, psychiatry, counseling, etc. is totally non existent. Get this... she has instead a Ph.D in physiology and btw, claims to have grown up in the most dysfunctional, unloving home known to man.

So with credentials like this, you can imagine my shock over a caller she was speaking with today. Oh yeah... indeed, I did flip over to her station during some commercial on another station... after YEARS of not listening to her. But whatever. Turns out the caller today was about 25 years old, not in school, not working, was jilted by her boyfriend and bingo. Is also pregnant.

I won't get into the details of the caller's problem but suffice it to say there was a family battle over what do do about this predicament. As in: abortion vs. adoption vs. keeping the kid. The caller wants to keep it. The family wants her to abort it and Dr. Laura insists the absolute only acceptable option is adoption. Unless of course you want to be considered an immoral murderer for the rest of your life and live in purgatory for ever and ever. Which is totally Dr. Laura's stance.

It was basically at this point that the good doctor claimed the girl and ANYone who ever had sex outside of marriage is nothing more than a filthy, rotten, "unpaid whore" who absolutely cheapens the sexual experience let alone the sanctity of marriage. 

NO WONDER I HATE THIS WOMAN. She's not only turned the Roe vs. Wade victory back 40 years, but her thinking has also totally removed any advances ever made in a woman's ability to made her own decision about her own body. Jesus... the whole thing makes me sick to my stomach.

But not as sick as making ME feel like an unpaid whore. WHO THE F IS THIS BITCH TO HAVE THE AUDACITY TO LABEL ME AS A WHORE?? I am stunned, to say the least.  For truth be told... NEWS FLASH... I myself have indeed had sexual encounters... more than once in my life I might add... as a single woman with no interest whatsoever in marrying the guy. Thus I am telling you right now: despite Dr. Asshole, I AM NO WHORE IN ANY WAY WHATSOEVER. In fact, I've never regretted any of my encounters and get this... even married two. Plus... any sexual experience I've had with ANY gentleman has been happy, warm, consenting and thankfully, pretty damn pleasurable.

To imagine that Dr. Bullshit can get on public airwaves and spew such judgment upon all women no matter what the circumstance, including wanting to enjoy a sexual relationship with someone you may never marry, is way more indecent in my book than actually having said relationship. Granted being an out and out slut is nothing to which one should aspire. Nor is sleeping around with people about whom you don't give a shit. 

But seriously. You're in love with someone? You're even really really really in like with someone? Then hell... why NOT enjoy a wonderful sexual relationship that holds joy and meaning? If you're adult and feel sex is something you want to share with someone important and you use dependable protection then geez... give me a break. GO AHEAD. GET LAID.

And... if you DO elect to enjoy sexual relationships mark my words: you are NOT necessarily "an unpaid whore." Rather... you're probably way in love with someone with whom you want to share fantastic intimacy. Which only begs my response to Dr. Laura's horrible labeling of many many women: UH... GO F YOURSELF, LAURA. 

Sunday, June 18, 2017

MADAM PRESIDENT


A crazy thing is going on. It happened when about a month ago… maybe less… some guy came to my front door telling me he is from my Homeowners Ass. and is looking for a few people willing to place their name on the ballot for the Board of Directors to replace those whose terms are expiring.

He asked me if I was willing to be a part of this and I must say he was pretty persuasive. So I thought a moment and realized I AM the laziest person in the world but maybe I COULD offer up some time to be a participant on this Board. Afer all… what else do I do, anyway? Apparently they only meet once every 3 months, I think, so decided what the hell. Okay. Put me down to run for Secretary. With the caveat being:

KEEP LOOKING FOR SOMEONE ELSE WHO WOULD DO THIS INSTEAD OF ME. If absolutely no one else would, then okay. I’ll help out. BUT… KEEP LOOKING!!

Ballots were mailed out to all the residents about two weeks later and sure enough my name was listed to possibly vote me into some office. Bear in mind, btw, I know almost NO ONE in my development. If I had to guess… I know about 18 people MAYBE of about let’s say 125. It may be higher but I totally don’t know.

In the meantime… last week I got an email CONGRATULATING ME ON GETTING THE MOST VOTES OF ANYONE. What?? Who the hell even KNOWS me?? Which got me to thinking: Am I now f’ing President of this assocition by virture of the most votes?? EEEKS. SAY IT AIN’T SO. I DEFintely am not going to be President!! I am NOT going to be answering calls and emails from everyone who has a complaint or wants me do something on their behalf! Because I’ll tell you right now… I will totally tell them… DO WHATEVER THE HECK YOU WANT. I BASCIALLY DON’T GIVE A SHIT. Just don’t call me again.

I know… nice way of leading this group, right?

All I know is that I had better be Secretary rather than President! Which might be hard to know given the annual meeting is next Saturday morning at get this… 9:00 in the morning!! At the local library no less. Are you kidding me? I DON’T EVEN KNOW IF I CAN BE UP THAT EARLY!! I am supposed to be turning over for my last hour of sleep at that time! Up, dressed, in attendance by 9?? I’m sooo not feeling it. 

Thus I absolutely do NOT want to go. Which is pretty funny because can you even imagine? If by some stroke of unhappy luck, it turns out I AM President, I am not sure at all that the folks will be thrilled with my absence. My way I guess of protesting this stupid election. Who would even vote for me, anyway? Granted… I can be a pretty unforgettable woman but seriously. Why even vote for me in the first place?? Oh man. This is so not good.

Besides… even if I do get to be Secretary, I wil immediately tell the board I don’t do meetings before 11:30, anyway. Actually 7:00 p.m. would be even better. I am NOT doing early morning get togethers for bullshit. Regardless…

I guess the suspense ends next Saturday. Gulp. I just may be the very first Board member to resign almost imMEDiately after being elected. Man. I must have been out of my mind the day that guy rang my doorbell. Much like I’ll be WAY out of my mind if I find out I’m President. Besides… I can only handle one idiot Commander in Chief at a time. 


MY WEEK

Sunday: Woke up feeling pretty hungry so decided to make breakfast. Went to refrigerator and found just enough eggs for a delicious omelet. Added cheese, onions, tomatoes and mushrooms. Looked incredibly mouth watering. Came time to flip omelet… which I’ve done a zillion times before. Did the flip and boom. Entire omelet landed on the floor! Next time I’m totally going to Denny’s.

Monday: So after rainy day after rainy day it was time for the lawn man to finally arrive. He did so. I asked him about the several circular brown spots on my backyard lawn. Turns out it’s caused by Zebulon’s urine!! OMG. Am I eventually not going to have any green lawn left at ALL?? Actually it doesn’t much matter. The dog loves making on my floors as much as he does on the grass. It’s totally 50/50… he could care less where he goes. Bottom line: I’m so screwed.

Tuesday: Had to go to the bone and joint doctor because hard core of pain. Turns out... from having to literally climb up into my bed, my right knee cap is kinda compromised. IT HURTS. ALOT. Don’t need any procedure YET but already I’m smelling: SOMEthing having to be done somewhere down the road. Dear God… PLEASE don’t ever let me have to have a knee replacement. Shoot me now. I am so not a candidate for physical therapy which is mandatory for recovery. Am way too lazy.

Wednesday: Went to the skilled nursing home place to visit Bonnie who hasn’t been here in over 3 months. She had foot surgery caused from a staph infection and her recovery is still a far way off. Am barely hanging on in doing all my chores alone. Which reminds me… if ever I DO have to have a knee replacement I will NEVER go to a skilled therapy nursing place. Feeble old people in wheel chairs all over the corridors who have no clue which way is up.  Depressing as shit. Even the lovely dining room and ice cream shoppe offer no draw. 

Thursday: Yay. Went to the last of my birthday celebrations at my favorite Japanese resturant. Ordered a fantastic meal which I downed with sheer pleasure. Finished half of it then and brought the rest home. Finished the leftovers by 1:00 a.m. There simply are times when leftovers can be totally as mouth watering delicious as the first time around.

Friday: Woke up and sadly, found that Trump was still President. WTF is WITH this man? Does NO Republican care about his constant lying? Have ALL ethics and integrity left the Congressmen? Apparently. F these people. I hate them. Was devastated to hear about the baseball practice. For about 6 hours there was total unity in Congress. Talk about easy come easy go. Oh yeah... went to see WONDER WOMAN and loved every second of it. Who knew?? Also loved the popcorn.

Saturday: Woke up with horrible urinary infection. Won’t go into details, for which you should thank me. Started meds immediately since I didn’t want to miss a luncheon I had planned to attend. Made it to the luncheon although I felt totally crappy. But not so crappy that I’d miss my manicure appointment afterwards. Decided if I was going to kick the bucket, might as well have fine looking nails.

Sunday: Made reservations for brunch at the country club. No need to repeat last Sunday’s omelet fiasco. Excellent call on my part.    

Friday, May 26, 2017

I CAN'T EVEN

Oh my God. I can’t even tell you how utterly disGUSTed I was earlier today. I totally wanted to throw up and believe you me… were I all alone in the house I certainly would have.

I had just awoken from a very long nap… didn’t sleep well last night but whatever… and I immediately walked into the kitchen to naturally grab a Diet Coke and begin marinating some chicken breasts. Thereupon I sorta noticed a huge something on my kitchen counter but really didn’t give it all that much notice given I was REALLY looking at the defrosted chicken next to my sink. And right then… in walks my kid.

VERY nonchalantly, with my back to him and to this humongous “thing” I happened to basically say… HEY. WHAT’S THE DEAL WITH THAT THING ON THE COUNTER. Bingo. I went crazy. His reply to me?? Sitting down??

IT WAS A HUGE, HUGE, HUGE DEAD PIG’S LEG BONE!!! AS IN: ABOUT 25 INCHES LONG AND ABOUT 10 INCHES IN CIRCUMFERENCE. FROM WHAT LOOKED LIKE TO BE A 150 POUND PIG!!

Oh my GOD. I went beserk. WHAT?? WHAT THE HELL IS THIS DISGUSTING THING DOING ON MY KITCHEN COUNTER? LET ALONE IN MY HOUSE?? GET RID OF THAT IMMEDIATELY!! I DON’T WANT TO EVER SEE THAT F’ING THING EVER AGAIN. To which he happened to then say:

IT’S NOT A BIG DEAL! I’M JUST DEFROSTING IT. AND BESIDES… THERE’S ALSO ONE IN THE REFRIGERATOR. At that little tidbit, I wanted to puke on him, on me, on the bone, and on my kitchen floor. Holy shit. Turns out… I don’t do well with dead body parts the size of Montana. Or Rhode Island. I don’t care WHAT the size. Soooo disgusting!

Next question from me of course was: WHY? My kid had a pretty good answer, I must admit, but still. I was totally SICKENED by all this! And oh yeah… I made him cover it all up with aluminum foil IMMEDIATELY so I didn’t have to view any part of this crapola. Turns out… given his job of assisting in orthopedic surgies, he wanted to “practice” his skill at doing sutures and apparently… practicing on bones of dead pigs is an excellent way of doing it. F’ING KILL ME NOW. Seriously… I can’t even TELL you how nauseated I was by this entire incident.

Who the hell brings this kind of thing home anyway?? To MY home no less! I am telling you… I was this shy from running to grab an Ativan so my heart would stop pounding. I mean it… I don’t even look at my own X-ray’s when at the doctor’s. It’s HIS job to view them. Not mine. Anyway...

Tomorrow my next question to my kid has GOT to be: WAIT. ARE YOU TELLING ME YOU’RE GOING TO BE CUTTING THIS LEG BONE IN HALF SO YOU CAN THEN PRACTICE DOING THE SUTURES??? IN MY KITCHEN??  Oh man… how much you want to bet THAT is never going to happen??

Just reliving this little story is making me sick all over again. I’d LIKE to say I’ve seen my last time of ever eating steak bones or even pork ribs, but sad to say… I doubt that will ever happen. Unless of course I just stick with the steak bone but frankly… THIS bone I had on my counter? Was totally close to being the size of a cow’s leg.