Saturday, March 14, 2020

AN IMPOSSIBILITY


I happen to love hot dogs which is crazy since I would NEVER have chosen hot dogs over hamburgers until I was about 65 years old. Maybe a little sooner. In fact what I REALLY adored was a Burger King Whopper. Apparently my tastes run the gamut from crappy to gourmet. I love a Whopper with Cheese as much as I love eating a filet mignon, prime rib with a bone, or of course lobster. Seriously. I always threaten my friends that my next birthday party is going to be at Burger King.

Don’t get me wrong, however. If you suggest we go for a Big Mac or a Wendy’s Double with Cheese (and of course, a Frosty) I will dance with delight. I am a target audience for these fast food hamburger poisons. Don’t even get me started on the french fries. EXCELLENT.

In the meantime, this evening was the first time ever I tried something different at Burger King. No… I’d never get a salad with chicken or something. Or any other salad they offer. Instead… tonight I was at BK specifically for their IMPOSSIBLE WHOPPER that everyone has talked about for so long. I was told you could never tell that the burger part was not meat.

Guess what? The Impossible Whopper test result? THE MOST DELICIOUS THING I’VE EVER TASTED! Sooo good and true to it’s claim, you’d never know you were eating a plant based burger. I was thrilled with every bite. Especially since I figured I was eating something way less poisonous to your body than a regular Whopper. Uh… not so fast, however.

There ARE fewer calories, granted. But only 30 less. There are NOT fewer carbs, unfortunately. In fact, there are more, which means the Whopper has millions of carbs and the Impossible Whopper has millions plus 11. WHAT A SCAM. Unless of course you’re vegan and just don’t want to eat meat. I was sooo hoping I was going to be eating a Whopper with WAY less carbs so I could enjoy it guilt free. Turns out it's impossible, alright. 

Looking at the nutritional information of the two burgers and boom, you are screwed with both. Man, what a disappointment. I was so hoping I could eat this Impossible Whopper for a meal everyday, like Jared did with his subs from Subway, and yippee. I’d be healthy and skinny in no time. Totally never going to happen. While the meat and the meatless burger may be okay on it’s own, add the bread, mayo, etc. etc., and bingo. The calories will kill you with either one… 660 calories vs. 630. I guess if that’s the ONLY thing you eat each day, you’d be okay. But… what about the fries and milk shake? Oops. Factor that in and calories probably go WAY, WAY up. 

Which basically means: either choice is like pouring poison down your throat. Yes, DELICIOUS poison, but still. Poison, nevertheless. Thus in the end, I think I’m much better off with having a hot dog. Damnit. The funny thing is…

For the past six months I’ve been very careful about how many carbs are in the foods I eat. Hence, my sugar levels have come way down (my doctor is tickled pink) plus I’ve lost maybe 8 or 9 pounds. So I basically still don’t see Burger King on my list of places to eat. Total bummer. For according to my calculations, that is one restaurant one can only visit about once a year. Although.. I will say the Imp. Whop. is huuge so  one can easily make this a two meal kind of deal. On the other hand…

If like Jared, I eat only two Impossible Whoppers a day I’m thinking that brings my calorie count up to just over 1200 calories. That’s pretty good, right? Hmmm… maybe this could work, after all. Of course by the 3rd day you’d probably want to hurl, in need of a fresh salad or fresh fruit or a fresh fish fillet or SOMEthing. Besides, regardless of the calories, both burger choices have more carbs in one, than we’re supposed to have in an entire day. Whammo. The underlying flaw in this impossible diet. 

BTW… Do they even still give out those stupid little crown hats?? I guess I should have asked for one tonight when I was there. Especially since I won’t be able to go back there for almost another 12 months. But believe you me... I SO am looking forward to this time next year for this is DEFintely the most delicious tasting burger EVER.




From Memory!
 (from the 60s) There's a Burger King close to you, try a Whopper order two, best burger buy for miles around... broiled, not fried... how does that sound?? Burger Kinnng...

(1974) Hold the pickles, hold the lettuce, special orders won't upset us, all we ask is that you let us serve it yourrrr way. Have it your way....Have it your way... at Burger King!

Monday, March 9, 2020

THE ART OF PROLONGING


Okie dokie. I basically have nothing to say. Instead, I’m merely procrastinating my having to do the wash. I can not beLIEVE how accomplished I’ve become at putting things off for a later time. Seriously. I lived my entire life living embracing the motto: never put off for tomorrow what you can do today. That applied to every facet of my life whether it be personal, social or professional.

Now, however?? Oh man. I can now put off just making an important phone call for days. I mean, exactly how damn lazy can one lady be?? You should only SEE what my inbox looks like in email. Today I finally answered a friend who I’ve been meaning to reply to for a month! In the meantime...

My close girlfriend is forever putting a load of wash into the machine. Bingo. One load, and all the laundry is done. Me? I let the laundry pile up way high and bingo. I then have to do at least 2 loads at a time. Sometimes 3, if I have linens. Which is why btw, I basically have  50 pairs of panties… so  I can be SURE I have plenty before I am actually FORced to get my ass in gear and do the wash. You’d think I was living in the 1800s before electric washers and dryers were invented and laundering WAS a major chore. Seriously. Just how hard IS it to put in a load, right? My Mother would be appalled, I bet.

Couple procrastination AND laziness and boom. You have me. Actually, I think it became a hold over from my husband. He was the King of Postponing although it really never rubbed off on me until I turned about 60 years old. As it happens, some say delaying tactics can be a sign of depression, but neither of us really ever had issues with depression. So for me, I’m going to hang my hat on my new-found laziness issue which also was never a part of my personality until later in life. Trust me… the day I totally retired, I have never set my alarm clock ever again, unless it's absolutely necessary.

I am now sooo jealous of people who get things done lickety split. Even when I cook dinner, it’s enough just for me to prep the food and actually cook it. But having to then load the dishwasher afterwards AND have to wash the pots and pans? Talk about work. I so have no guilt if I get to them several hours later when the 11:00 news comes on… let  alone, soak them overnight. When I was younger, I ALWAYS cleaned the kitchen spic and span after dinner just so I wouldn’t see anything needing cleaning when I woke up the next morning. Uh… apparently I have no problem with it nowadays which is crazy because my other motto is: cleanliness is next to Godliness.

On the other hand, just today I went to the garden store, bought 40 pansy plants, came home and planted them all in the six planters I have on my deck railings, then hosed down the entire deck, came in and in no time at all, hopped into the shower. Perhaps this doesn’t sound like a lot of work to YOU, but for me, this is definitely and 2 and 1/2 job, easily. Not counting the ride to the plant store. So maybe I’m not such a lazy bitch afterall, now that I think of it. For I DO get everything that needs to be taken care of done, just at a much slower rate and/or a much later date. BTW... the pansies look excellent on all the railings, as you can see up above. Yay me. 

On the other hand… given I’ve taken a nice little break here, writing all this after my shower… I’m now totally off for my treasured daily nap. I’m whipped! Which only means:

Damnit. I still have to do the laundry when I wake up.

Saturday, March 7, 2020

V IS FOR VIRUS


And venom. And vile. And vicious. All of which conjures up pretty much the way I feel about the coronavirus that’s apparently taking over the planet. If the Center for Disease Control wanted to get my attention, you can damn well be sure it did. I AM FREAKED.

Which didn’t take all that long, actually. About 10 days after learning about the virus hitting Washington state last month, I was boom. 1-2-3 online, learning about which masks we were supposed to get and then began checking out Amazon’s supply of precautionary products. I began on a Friday morning and by Saturday night I had ordered more mask varieties than you can imagine. By the beginning of this week, I was ordering all kinds of disinfection products you can possibly think of. The recommended disposal gloves arrived today.  Look up above and you can see the mere beginnings of my zillions of orders. The zinc lozenges, more Purell, remaining masks, etc. will arrive soon enough. Trust me… I am totally THE target audience for this kind of frenzy and fear. Although, THIS time it is within complete reason.

As a matter of fact, this past Monday Bonnie, my assistant, was here and announced that her 40 year old daughter, who had a bone marrow transplant for cancer three years ago, was hopping on a plane yesterday to enjoy a footloose and fancy free trip throughout Europe for a month. NOW she decides to go?? IS SHE FUCKING NUTS?? I was aghast, to say the least. Naturally, I then told Bonnie well, guess what. Don’t come to help me for several weeks after her return for I am NOT having anyone here who could knowingly possibly be compromised and then walk into my home. THAT is just batshit crazy, if you ask me.

Bonnie’s daughter is apparently as much off the rails as Trump is when it comes to this disease. For Trump too, is walking around in a fog when it comes to national expert medical advice and subsequent intelligent precautions to which all citizens should adhere. Let alone the World Health Organization’s advice. Afterall, when Lindsay Graham starts telling the President to actually pay attention to the medical scientists and doctors, you KNOW we are in trouble.

Trump’s assessment of this horrible, horrible situation is less astute than that of a 12 year old. He is in no way being honest with the public… gee, what a surprise… thus I don’t believe for one minute this virus deal will be in and out within the next month. Don’t even get me started on Trump’s suggestion that people just go to work if they must. All will be fine. HE IS OUT OF HIS FUCKING MIND and I can only pray he is smashed by the voting public come November. There are plenty of other prayers I have lined up for him, but I totally don’t want Blogger to come after me and haul me off to jail so uh… I’ll  just keep them to myself.    

All I know is: I so hope that all our families and friends… and strangers, too… never have to deal with those we love contracting this virus. It is terribly scary and possibly deadly. My son’s sole job is to treat sick folks coming into his urgent care facility and bingo. He called me Tuesday to say the very first coronavirus patient to test positive in NC is but one hour away from where he works. WAY TO MAKE A MOTHER GO OUT OF HER EVER LOVIN’ MIND. I’m a nervous wreck from EVERYthing by now. Talk about: 


Which is a big problem. I am so not calm about all this! Not even ice cream is helping, which says a lot. I hate this medical news. I hate Trump’s out and out lying about it all. I hate that the entire country is out of supplies in grocery and drug stores. Most of all, I hate what this is doing to my normally happy-go-life. Yay chocolate.       

Thursday, March 5, 2020

AN EVENING OF BLISS


Oh man… it takes so little to amuse me. Which is why those exact words should totally go on my tombstone some day. If I am anything, I am easily entertained by things or people that others would ordinarily dismiss as borderline folly.  Me, however? I fall for the preposterousness of it, all the time. Hence, I constantly laugh at and/or enjoy stupid things with little judgement or effort which obviously is nothing to necessarily brag about. That said however…

I not only amuse easily, but it takes so little to make me happy. In this particular case… a mere little food truck coming to town. Well, okay. This one was pretty big. I got a call from a friend on Friday night asking me if I wanted to go a nearby brewery the next evening because the Cousins Lobster truck was going to show up there, allowing us to then plop down a decent enough amount of bucks to dine on Maine lobster rolls, lobster bisque, etc., etc. I WAS IMMEDIATELY IN SHEER HEAVEN JUST THINKING ABOUT IT. Talk about not having to ask twice. I remember the founders of this company appearing on Shark Tank and there was no way in hell I ever imagined that one day their food truck would actually show up in my small town city. Thankfully, I was wrong with a capital W.

For, of all things I could name as my alltime favorite food, lobster is first on the list. Last summer, the first time the lobster truck was in town, I was in line with 3 other friends, waiting for one and half hours to get to give the guy my order. It was HOT and the line was LONG. However, that never deterred us for we totally had our eye on the prize. LOBSTER ROLLS. Our big mistake was going at 6:00 but whatever.

THIS time however, it was cold outside, and the truck had already been here enough times so that the delight of it all has simmered down considerably. Given I had already gone with another friend that day for a huge, deeelicious gyro for lunch at 1:30, it wasn’t until 7 that I could even think of another meal. BUT… once we got to the brewery, I was all in for my dinner treat. There weren’t nearly the amount of folks as in summer, so we landed a table 1-2-3 and bingo. Was able to walk up the truck and order immediately!

HI. I’M STARVING AND TICKLED PINK YOU ARE BACK. I’LL HAVE A CONNETICUT LOBSTER ROLL WITH EXTRA LOBSTER ON IT AND A CUP OF LOBSTER BISQUE AND A DIET COKE WITH HEAVY ICE. THANKS. Boom. My tastebuds were dancing already. 

TOTALLY DELICIOUS. Plus, next to us at the table were two wonderful young ladies, in their 30s, who entertained me to no end. All four of us had a great time chatting away while eating and drinking. Everyone but me was drinking beer, but I’m too addicted to my Diet Coke chemicals to ever down anything but. Anyway…

Just as if my friend and I were not in our 70s, these two young ladies conversed with us as if we were sitting in a college quadrangle having a hilarious conversation. By the time we left, I already knew that one of the women was dating a man 17 years her senior and she never uses protection while doing the deed. To which of course I had to step in read her the riot act of such stupidity. Don’t ask. I turned into a fanatical mother right on the spot. I can't tell you what this lady's job is, but her sex life? Whammo. I'm fully in the know. Go figure. I also wound up with the cell number of the other young lady in case my son ever wanted to give her a call. I’m so telling you… these girls were the best entertainment I could have asked for.

In the end, it was an evening of sheer bliss for me. Lobster. Friends. Laughter. Live music. Who could ask for more? Well, one thing I could ask for is that the one woman USE CONDOMS, if nothing else. What single lady in this day and age goes out with a guy for five years and just wings it?? Maybe I should have asked if she was Catholic, but I almost want to say that even the Church today, now signs off on contraception. Maybe not, but it turns out 98% of their female flock do. Trust me… the minute she tells the boyfriend whom she adores that she’s pregnant, ten to one he so will say: uh... thanks, but no thanks, I’m outta here. 

So much for amusement.

Saturday, February 29, 2020

DINING IN

I normally try to eat as many meals out as possible. And, I must say that I pretty much have succeeded in this department. Case in point: I ate dinner out maybe 3 times this week so far and I’ve probably eaten lunch out at least 4. This is probably a pretty normal schedule. I have lots of friends, so seeing just one or several, whether for fine dining or just grabbing a bite to eat, works out for all of us. Especially since they probably hate cooking as much as I do. Although for me… it’s not so much cooking that I don’t like. It’s the cleaning up afterwards that I hate.

Which is why it was so unusual a few weeks back that within a 10 day period, I hosted 3 dinner parties here at home. The last time that happened within such a short time period must have been when I was around 38 years old, I’ll bet. Back then, I could easily have whipped up dinner for 10 within a mere 24 hour notice. Nowadays?? Oh man. I’d totally need a 14 day time table. What was so easy for me when I was young could easily become overwhelming for me now that I’m old. Hence the stretched out preparation timeline. Anyway…

The first dinner party I had those weeks ago was for 10 friends. My planning basically follows the same pattern: Figure out my guest list and then do the inviting, 2 weeks ahead of time. Figure out my menu 10 days ahead of time. Set the table 5 days ahead of time. Grocery shop 4 days ahead of time. And then do the early food prep a day ahead of time. All in the  hopes of being able to breeze through the day of the evening of dinner. After of course, first waking up the morning of the big day in a mild panic mode. Bear in mind however, given the 3 dinners in 10 days, things were a hell of alot tougher getting all lined up at my favored slower pace. Plus... the table decor and place settings totally became less and less remarkable by the last evening. Which only means: Sorry Third-Round Dinner Guests... you sort of got cheated out of major impressive tablescaping, but so be it. 

Now, I will admit that for the first dinner, I did have kitchen help which puts a whole new light on things, for when I hire help… I’m the happiest of campers! Not only does having help make a big difference in serving, but more importantly… THEY do the cleaning, not me. What a deal. It was when I was in my late 20s that a good friend of mine taught me: HIRE IS NOT A FOUR LETTER WORD. Talk about words of wisdom! Whether it be kitchen help, house help or personal help... bingo. I'm committed. 

The next two dinner parties were for a lesser amount of guests, but to be sure… not necessarily easier in the cooking department. Case in point, for the second dinner, I made baked salmon stuffed with fresh cooked spinach mixed first in cream cheese and parmesan cheese. Man. Talk about delicious. I probably served salad and some sort of roasted potatoes, too. Excellent meal, if I say so myself. In the meantime...

By the time of the third dinner deal?? I so went easy for THAT meal, alright. The first two I really wanted to make delicious and special. The last one however? I was just thrilled to be able to throw something on the table and say: HERE. EAT. Well… wait. Okay, maybe not that crude, but almost. THIS time around I was pretty much into the Effortless Route. As in: I called Publix, asked them to whip up about 16 fresh pieces of fried chicken tenders (outstanding, btw) bought some frozen corn, a huge can of baked beans and then finally, some coleslaw . Boom. 1, 2, 3… done. I may have gone big on dessert as in: hot fudge sundaes. Whatever it was though, it was plenty easy.

Luckily, all three parties were excellent. Also lucky was the fact the last set of guests never knew what I served the first two guests for they would, rightly so, feel way scammed. On the other hand, they too, loved their meal and as the saying goes: a belly full is a belly full.

So since then?? NO DINNERS GUESTS AT ALL. Whew. I’ve let either them or a restaurant cook for ME. And btw... tonight? COUSINS LOBSTER TRUCK! Am soooo psyched! For lobster IS by far, my most favorite food. This will be my second visit to this truck, which comes to town every so often and bingo. I'm right there in line with the hordes of others. Yay food!   

Tuesday, February 25, 2020

SECOND HAND ROSE

So I pretty much love getting gifts. And I especially love getting gifts from my kid. And I do have say… he’s normally pretty good at selecting them for me. Which is not a whole hell of a stretch given I am totally into letting him know exactly what I want. Case in point… he knows just what perfume I wear and just where to buy it. Boom. I get what I love.

But then… there are times he completely surprises me. Like when he first sent me… one of my favorites… a dozen Shari’s Chocolate Dipped Berries. I had never tasted them before he began sending them, but man. Once you taste them, you are in love for life. Sooo delicious. And one year, he even threw in a cheesecake with it and that too, was outstanding. I am a major sucker for gifts that are foods, btw. Even when I was teaching for 20 years, the alltime best holiday presents were that which was something delicious to munch on. Anyway…

I don’t remember how many years ago my son sent me my first gold dipped rose… one that lasts forever. It stood about a foot tall and it was totally beautiful. I was pretty surprised and I really loved it. And then, on different occasions thereafter, I kept receiving another to add to my collection. You can see all of them up there in the pict. And oh yeah… after I got the gold rose, I told my son that pretty much rounds up the collection for me since seriously… just how many can you have, anyway?  I guess some people collect up to a dozen or two, but for me, that’s way too many. I do have to say, btw that the gold one is by far my favorite color. I also love the fact that this year, he threw in not only the stand but also a packet of rose scented beads, too. Whatta kid, right?

In the meantime, I keep this in my family room and every time I look at it, I have to smile. It not only looks so pretty on the table, but too, what a great way to think of my thoughtful kid. Who, I might add, I get to see in the next couple of weeks. YIPPEE. YIPPEE. Btw... it's kind of amazing how these flowers are made and if you click on this link, you can see a brief video of how it’s done. CREATE THE ROSE

In any event, these pretty roses are also serving another purpose for me. Sitting down? They are totally keeping me from slitting my wrists over the Senate’s recent bullshit trial to convict and oust Trump. If EVER there was a person who needs to be kicked out of office, it’s our President! I could write an entire 50 entries on this topic alone, so don’t even get me started. I can not BElieve that he will be re-elected, hence, he could well be the last President I ever see before I kick the bucket. For those of you out there who outlive me, FIND ANOTHER COUNTRY IMMEDIATELY! Regardless…

The other purpose these stunning roses serve is to keep me happy during the winter, when my actual real rose bushes are waiting to bloom in spring. Which reminds me…. whereas I always said that autumn was by far my alltime favorite season… I changed my mind two years ago. It’s now WINTER! I can’t help it… the cold temps are completely doable plus, you get to see snow. Some years we get a decent amount but recently, it’s been easy come, easy go in the snowfall amount. And… get this… when first I moved to NC, I flipped out at the first snow flurry I’d see, afraid to even pull out of my driveway. Now however?? Don’t ask.

Last week, we had a beautiful snowfall but while it covered all the trees and ground, it never stuck to the streets. Bingo. I hopped in my car, picked up my girlfriend, went to vote, grabbed some lunch, stopped at Publix, ran over to visit another friend, dropped my girlfriend off at home and then went to get gas. I’M A DEFINITE PRO, NOW. Well, kinda. But once I see the streets begin to accumulate flakes, whammo. I stay put, for sure.

That said, all I know is… winter or no, I still have beautiful flowers to keep me smiling, all thanks to my kid. Of course if he sent me a couple of pounds of fatty hot pastrami with a loaf of real rye bread, I’d be in MAJOR HEAVEN. Hmmm… I think I’ll send him the link to New York's Katz’s Delicatessen tomorrow. Or wait… maybe I’ll just order it myself. My mouth is watering already.





Saturday, January 18, 2020

AFTER THE SHOWER

It’s been a loooong time since I’ve taken an actual bath. When I was a young girl, yes… I took a bath every single night of my life. But somewhere along the line, I switched up to taking a shower every night, instead. I was maybe in junior high school when the change occurred? Who even remembers? And… who the hell even knows when I began wearing a bathrobe after a shower, altogether. Although I think I was pretty old before I stopped merely wrapping a towel around myself when stepping out of the shower. Besides, I always found bathrobes so bulky and heavy and cumbersome but whatever.

Then I turned about 55 and bingo. I couldn’t dare step out from a shower without first grabbing a robe to keep myself warm as the cold air from the bathroom hit me in face and body like an artic freeze. Ever since then, I wouldn’t DREAM of not having my bathrobe right smack there within reach, to put on before I even opened the shower door to exit. The cold air was totally not good after finishing a soothing, nice, hot shower. Besides… why frighten the hell out of anyone in the bathroom lest they be there should I step out nude. Trust me. It’s a scary sight, indeed. In the meantime…

15 years ago I found the bathrobe of my dreams. It was not only white and the perfect weight, but most importantly, it was a button down! I would NEVER use a robe that merely ties around the waist. Nor would I ever use a robe that requires you to first step into it and then have to zip it up. I’m totally a button up kinda girl. And all these years later… the time had finally come to buy a new one.

Which is why it took more than 10 purchases to FINALLY find the right replacement for my 15 year old, beloved getup. I wanted my new robe to be by the same manufacturer. I wanted it to be absorbent but light weight. I wanted it to be button down. And, I wanted it to be somewhat pretty enough. White would have been perfect, but uh… no such luck. Anyway…

I began my search at my local bullshit department store. I say bullshit because I live in a little town thus the major dept. store here is basically just a notch or two up from let’s say: the Dollar General store. Well… okay. Maybe I’m exaggerating a bit, but still… not all THAT much. Anyway… I walked in, found a pretty pale blue in a 1X that would sort of work despite the fact that I really wanted an XL. I kind of figured, just how bad could the next up size be for a robe, anyway? Uh… turns out, apparently alot. In the meantime, I bought it, came home, tried it on and boom. The sizing was crazy! It totally fit like a 5X… if they even make such a size. Wait. I guess they do, especially for people the size of Lizzo. But I am NOT Lizzo, so this sizing was absolutely unacceptable. Bingo. I returned it. Meaning:

Okay. I then had to begin my online search to find just what I  wanted.  As I said: a robe made by the company I wanted, light colored, button down, short length, long sleeves, light weight and decent enough looking. YAY. I FOUND SEVERAL. And on several sites too, ranging from the actual company itself, to Ebay… and everything in between. The end of search was in totally within my sight. Except not so fast.

Oh, I got them delivered, alright. I got 10 in all. Why so many??? Because get this… once again, all were ordered in an XL but also once again… all but 3 were incorrectly sized! Jesus… I was getting robes every other f'ing day until they were coming out my ears! Talk about easy come, easy go. It was NUTS. I so need to march right smack on down to the parent company and ask: WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON  HERE, ANYWAY??? I need to order 10 robes before I can get 3 robes that actually fit according to size?? They’re out of their minds.

Okay. Good enough, I selected the three, which I’ve decided will absolutely last until I kick the bucket altogether and boom. I’ll never need a new robe ever again. Not even when I have to move to the Oldie Goldie Nursing Home. I’ll be the fucking bell of the ball while I’m there.

But until I move there… I’m not the kind of person who comes home, undresses and puts on a house dress or a robe. Granted, I take off my bra within seconds of walking in the door, but that’s about it. Which I guess is why my bathrobe can easily last me 15 years. Each night I brush my teeth. I take a shower. I slip into my robe afterwards. I dry my hair. I take off the robe. I put on my body lotion. I put on my nightgown. YIPPEE. I’M READY FOR BED.

Ready for the big reveal, btw?? FINALLY. 3 bathrobes for the rest of my life! I’ll never had to buy another one EVER. One is hanging on my shower door. Two are hanging in my closet for future years. Thank God I’m not going through THIS again. Best part?? THEY ALL FIT EXACTLY LIKE THEY SHOULD!











Sunday, January 5, 2020

2020


Thank GOD 2019 is over and done. Yes, in many ways it’s been a wonderful year for me personally, but still…  several friends of mine passed away. Others had major health struggles. And naturally, I had to see fucking Trump 24/7 on every communication platform known to man.

So with that in mind, you can well imagine my eagerness to usher in the new year. I actually had a great celebration to welcome in 2020 but I must admit... for the first time in 60 years, I absolutely could NOT stay up to watch the ball drop in Times Square!! I was just soooo damn tired, thus I wound up recording it… although believe me. It is totally not the same as viewing it live. Man. What a loser I am. Anyway…

We had plans to see my alltime favorite… LITTLE WOMEN and then go grab dinner. Needless to say, I LOVED the movie, including my beloved Diet Coke and popcorn. But when it was time for dinner, we kinda decided to forgo the trendy restaurants, where we knew it would be busy, the food probably not up to par, and the service on the crappy side. Instead we decided on a bullshit restaurant… O’Charley’s which is decent enough for lunch, but for dinner, who knows. Well, it turns out the entire city knows. We pulled into the parking lot and the place was SLAMMED. Seriously. I was in shock. We then took one look at the hordes of people waiting for tables and boom. Hightailed it out there but FAST. Wanna know where we wound up?? Sitting down??

DENNY’S!

Omg. Can you even imagine?? Our NYE dinner was in the largest breakfast franchise known to man! Although I will tell you right off the bat… the chocolate milkshake and fries were EXCELLENT. Some crazy ass fancy meal, let me tell you. On the other hand…

I wasn’t all that shook up because the next day, New Year’s Day, I was going to a fantastic buffet brunch at a local hotel/restaurant so I knew my thirst for fine dining was sure to be satisfied. And, indeed it was. But THE best part of the meal was when I was leaving the table. You will never believe this.

So it turns out all of us were having a wonderful, happy time, eating and talking about a zillion of things. And, while we certainly were not LOUD, the tables were close enough so that if you wanted to hear our discussion, I guess you certainly could. Apparently that’s what the couple next to us did. Especially the husband. Turns out he was listening to us with gusto, including our conversation about our hatred for Trump and McConnel. (hopefully there was even some talk of blow jobs during the meal, but I can’t even remember) If only. Anyway…

The man listening totally was not into a Democratic state of mind. How do I know this?? Listen up.

I was the last to actually leave the table when the meal was over. Everyone else was already in the lobby but I was still at the table, putting on my coat and grabbing my purse. Then, as I began to step away, the man, I mean geezer,  says loudly to his wife…

I HOPE THEY GET REALLY HORRIBLE YEAST INFECTIONS!!!!

Do you fucking beLIEVE this??? I could do nothing but begin to laugh RIGHT OUT LOUD for I NEVER before heard ANYone ever come up with this kind of a curse on people!! EVER. Okay. So if you want to call us assholes, go ahead. You want to tell us to go fuck ourselves, sure. BUT TO WANT TO CURSE PEOPLE WITH YEAST INFECTIONS?? Are you kidding me??? I was floored and at the same time laughing so hard at him, I couldn’t believe it. I mean, really. Is he nuts?? Naturally… the wife immediately said: HAROLD STOP THAT! To which he replied…

I WONDER WHAT COLLEGE THEY WENT TO! To which I answered, as I turned around while walking away: HARVARD! And then I just kept on walking. When I reached my friends and relayed the story to them in between my laughter… THEY WERE STUNNED. I was still laughing so hard, I could hardly get the story out, but when I did, THEY WERE SIMPY AGHAST to say the least. I mean… who DOES that?? WHO??


Needless to say, I have retold this story a zillion times already and when I told it to my breakfast club yesterday of about 10 women, they too either laughed right smack out loud or showed the same shock my friends from brunch showed. Actually, they all did both. Can you believe this is how my first encounter of the New Year beGAN?? So typical for living in the Land of Linda. It all makes me chuckle up a storm everytime I think of it. I just can't get OVER this idiot! If ever there was a story I could retell over and over and over, this would surely be IT.  

And with that… HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE. And of course, am crossing my fingers everyone I know and love is totally infection free this year! 

Sunday, December 29, 2019

ONE FOR TEN

So, yippee. I happened to have had a most wonderful Christmas. It was quiet compared to other years, but lots of fun with family and friends, nevertheless. The fun time was when I was out and busy, enjoying the company of everyone. The quiet time was when I had down time at home. Well… wait. It WAS quiet during those moments. 

Uh... except for the plenty of times I spent swearing at my desktop computer. THOSE times were far from quiet. Sort of like: a crazy old woman losing control of her patience and in its place cursing up a storm over and over again. Basically, the story goes like this…

The first computer I ever had was a Hewlitt Packard, I think, and it was running on Windows 3.1. I am also thinking that it was pretty user friendly, considering the times… way more so than DOS was... which was what I used when working on computers at work. Mind you... this was before AOL was even born and I had to pay $.25 for each email I sent, using the Prodigy online service. There was certainly no chat room or instant messaging. I used web browsers called Netscape and Web Crawler, which was pretty much Mickey Mouse until Internet Explorer came out.

Anyway… the point is, I was the very first of all my friends to actually use a home computer and I took to it like a fish takes to water. I bought loads of software to do all sorts of things that intrigued me; I was aMAZed as to what these programs could do. In fact, most of my original software I still use, given I bought the updated versions as they became available. It was totally terrific and I was in hog heaven. 

I eventually went from Windows 3.1 to Windows 95 to Windows 98 to Windows XP to Windows 7 and just recently, I upgraded to Windows 10. Bingo. The focus of today's blog.

Don’t even ask. IT’S CRAZY. To be frank, mastering the first few versions were tricky for me at first, but soon enough I had it all down pat. And so it went for all the versions thereafter. Until THIS new version. A version that wants to play with your head and screw up every easy option there ever was.

Windows 10 is totally playing with my educated, brilliant mind. I COULD have gone with any of the Apple operating systems, which btw, my son has begged me to do since he was about 14 years old. He’s now 37. To which I said thanks, but no thanks. I am a total fan of Windows and will remain so til the day I die.

On the other hand… this upgrade to Windows 10 is NUTS. Yes, it is a lot like the previous version but man oh man. It nevertheless has taken away so many features that were just soooo easy to navigate, and replaced them with a horde of such unnecessary complications. Key word: unnecessary. Hence the not so quiet swearing. Case in point:

File Manager in all previous versions… totally easy. Go to File Manager and scroll through c:/ and yippee. All files for anything you need to find on your harddrive pops up lickety split. NOW however?? Talk about making it a mystery that needs to be sought and searched and THEN finally found. Maybe. Granted, there may well be an easy way to figure all this out, but for someone as computer literate as I am… it’s nevertheless been kinda like a journey from hell to figure it out. Man. I am this far from wanting to scorch all those programmers over in Silicon Valley for fucking with our sensibilities. There was just no need to take perfectly working software from good to bad but for their desire to look busy for the boss. Anyway...  

My other big beef is with the Display options. Windows 10 DEFinitely doesn’t offer me the same choices. And… in trying to even implement some of the PRETTY display choices I want, you have to jump through all kinds of hoops to make it happen. It’s crazy! I have  ALWAYS customized my desktop display, including colors of toolbars, menus, scrollbars, etc. because frankly… Microsoft’s designs and colors totally suck compared to MY way which give me way better looking themes and perfectly lovely graphics. Here… take a look:


Microsoft: 




Me:  


What?? They want me to choose that ugly black and blue theme instead of something that has much prettier appeal like this one that I set up myself? Geez. Big difference, is all I can say. And... btw: I should totally be on the desktop design committee to give the user actual atTRACtive options for their computer screens. Let alone… give the user an EASY way for them to actually accomplish this. Suffice it to say there are a zillion other ways in which W10 is not what I consider a happy upgrade at all. Not to mention how the upgrade affected so many of my other programs.

For instance… I now have to get may ass in gear to pick up new stationary and/or publishing software, given my previous version won’t even work on 10. Boom. All my hordes of personal designs and creations are now gone forever. Everything from greeting cards to table place setting cards. And everything in between. Total bummer. Most important of all however….

Is the fact that the original FREE CELL and HEARTS are gone!! I can’t even believe that after 26 years of adoring these games, I now have to play these same games but created by companies other than Microsoft. AND, BELIEVE ME, THEY SUCK. Why the hell would this new Windows version do away with them?? They’re like almost more important than Word! Seriously.  Granted, I did download what is supposedly the original game but still… it’s different and I basically hate it. And, oh yeah… who or what the hell is Contana??? I have NO clue about that, for sure. Same thing for Edge. I’m not even going to try to learn about those features. As for Bing… get the hell out altogether.

Now, with all that said, I do have to admit that I tweaked this new version pretty well, so that I must say, my desktop is now, finally, pretty much to my liking. Not nearly as much as I liked Windows 7, of course, but okay…close enough.

And by the way… after all these years of staying true to Microsoft and never having even once considered iMac products… I totally deserve some sort of present from Mr. Gates and/or his associates. The entire world feasts on all of Mr. Jobs’ products. But not me. I’m totally faithful to Microsoft and Android.

Well, except for my Apple iPad, that is.. EEKS. I’m a traitor in disguise, afterall. And oh yeah… wanna guess how many times I’ve had my personal Computer Geek here to actually set up Windows 10 for me?? Let alone coming back to tweak all that I couldn’t do myself? Don’t ask. He sits down and works magic on my harddrive in no time at all. Me? I sit down and say to myself: what the fuck are they talking about? It kills me how he knows every OS know to man, inside and out. Which basically means:

To really grasp this new operating system, you kinda have to have plenty of discretionary income so you can PAY the Geek. Which I did happily, btw. Because finally… YAY. I’M NOW GOOD TO GO. Hence, I now pretty much know what I’m doing. Well, kinda. 

Friday, November 29, 2019

I LOVE FEASTING

Yay for Thanksgiving. I totally loved being with my friends tonight to enjoy a fabulous buffet of some of the most delicious food ever. Except  per usual, I didn’t eat turkey, which I suspect is the big draw of the night. I’m so not a fan of turkey… but all the side dishes?? Oh man. My mouth is watering all over again just thinking of the sweet potatoes, stuffing, cranberry sauce, veggies, etc. etc. I even downed some prime rib and shrimp scampi, which was amazing but I focused on the side dishes most of all. Well, that and the pies of course.

In the meantime, tonight I did something I’ve never done before. I actually wore a color I have never ever worn before in my entire life. Ever. You can see it in the picture up above. STUNNING is all I can say.

Not only do I love this tunic but it is soooo an autumn color. Again… something I would never buy for myself. Well, except for red. But yellows? Golden browns? Burnt oranges? Deep, deep olives? Marigolds? Chestnuts? Oh man…that is way on the opposite end of my favorite springy, happy looking colors of pastels. And white. And of course, black. THOSE are colors of which I have zillions. But autumn colors? None. Plain and simple. 

Until this week, that is. I had been looking at this sweater for a long time, mainly because of it’s wonderful cowl neck. I adore cowl necks… keeps my neck warm but is not fitted the way a turtle neck might be. So when I saw this sweater, not only did I love the style and cashmere feel to it, but I was amazingly also drawn to the color, imagining that it might just look kinda pretty, afterall. Even with silver hair. And guess what? I was right!

I bought this online and as soon as it arrived, I tried the sweater on and fell in love immediately. Talk about warm, too. The color was just perfect… exactly what I was hoping, a beautiful camel kind of color. Like I figure preppies up in Maine would wear. 

The funny thing is: were I to have seen this color on anyone else, I would not be drawn to it at all. In my book, there is absolutely nothing pretty about it at all. Maybe even blah. Well, until I saw this sweater, anyway. I would surely have considered it a ho-hum deal. But, apparently, in my old age, something in my head must be changing because I took to this camel look like a fish takes to water. I can assure you by the way, I will NEVER have another camel colored item in my wardrobe ever again, not even a pair of shoes. But my sweater? Lordy. I will love wearing this over and over and over again.

Oh… and get this. Apparently my friends know me well, for tonight a couple of women actually said: OMG. I never saw that color on you before! Damn right they haven’t. It’s just so crazy to me. Anyway…. I so love autumn and I so love it’s coloration. But not in my clothing. Instead, in: LEAVES ON TREES. Which reminds me…

You know how I look forward each year to the gorgeous orange and yellow leaves that I live for every fall, on my backyard maple trees? Guess what. This year? NONE. Well, hardly any. Turns out rain and wind pretty much knocked off all the leaves before they came to it’s full glory. I WAS ROBBED this season. Major bummer, too.

Which is okay, I guess because everything else about autumn is so up my alley. Especially this sweater upon which I am feasting, given that even on the coldest day of the year in South Florida, I’d never have been able to wear it. I am soooo happy to be living where there are actually four real seasons! Which naturally means: the need for four seasonal wardrobes. Ahh… what a lift for the soul every 3 months. 

And oh yeah... I hope EVERYone had a wonderful Thanksgiving with family and friends. Yay holidays!


Sunday, November 17, 2019

YIKES... IT FINALLY HAPPENED



So there are zillions of ways you know you’re getting old. I don’t even need to list them, although for those of you who aren’t aware of the signs, just contact me and I can sum them all up lickety split. Upping the TV volume is totally a sign, btw.

Actually, I’ve often written about many of the signals. Case in point: the ability to  wear high heels are long gone. Additionally, I’ve often written about my love of food and in particular, my many addictions. As in: my weeks of being addicted to scallops let's say, only to then go heavy into beef, and then after that, months of pasta only, and so on and so on. It’s like my body will crave certain foods for about a 12 week run and then I move on to the next addiction. Recently however…. I’ve developed not only a brand new food addiction, but also one that signals: I. AM. OLD.

My entire life, I’ve been a meat and potatoes kind of gal. I love steak. I love ribs. I love hamburgers. I love prime rib. I love meatloaf. I love beef stew. I also love meatballs. Hence, when at a restaurant, I would NEVER order chicken. Nor would I ever order salmon, though that, I do occasionally prepare at home. And luckily… it certainly tastes spiffy enough, if I say so myself.

In the meantime… about three months ago, I decided to be way more careful about the amount of carbs I’ve been eating. I ADORE carbs. Candy, cakes, foods with plenty of sauces, anything fried, etc, etc. However, apparently carbs and sugars aren’t particularly healthy, come to find out. Yeah. Yeah. I know. The rest of the world figured this out long ago, but I was happily willing to be the last hold out. Anyway…

To help cut my carb intake, I decided to do something that I would NEVER have done, even six months ago. 

I DECIDED TO BEGIN EATING FILLET OF FISH.

Ugh. Worst of all, I began to actually ENJOY it. I can’t even believe this! Which just goes to show: I’M FUCKING OLD, FOR SURE. Of course, the fish dishes I enjoy most are never here at home. But instead, while I’m dining out at fancy schmancy restaurants. Kinda like the fish you see in the picture up above. THAT I could eat every night of the week! Looks way delicious, right?? And… while I TRY to replicate some of these fish preparations, I totally fall short. I would LOVE for some chef to come here and show me how to prepare fish the way fine restaurants do. If only my Mother were still alive. She could whip up a gourmet fish meal in a flash! Seriously. She was THE best cook you’d ever meet. Me, not so much. But… regardless… I have now officially added fillet of fish to my dinner repertoire here at home and certainly while out. 

True… I have always adored lobster, scallops and shrimp. In that order, too. And those meals I can certainly make more than edible. Somehow however, cooking a remarkable fillet of fish at home eludes me. Oh yeah… given I can down more ounces of beef than anyone I know, you can only imagine how many fish fillets I can put away at any one time, given fish is way lighter in one’s belly than a meal of heavy beef. But whatever. It’s still far less carbs.

Eating fish to the rest of the world may be no big deal. But for ME? Jesus... it's like hell hath frozen over. In all my 70 years, I'd never waste a meal on fish. But boom. I turn 71 and months later, come to find out: I'm eating a fish meal this, that and every way possible. It's like the most astounding thing to have happened to me EVER. 

So while I am now into fish, all I’m waiting for next, is the day I begin to drink not hot tea, not a hot cup of coffee, but instead… just a hot cup of PLAIN WATER. When THIS begins to happen, omg…. then I’ll not only be old… I’ll be this far from kicking the bucket altogether! Believe me… this is the drink of choice for everyone in nursing homes. Probably with a side of lemon. Which btw... is a fantastic, mandatory addition of flavor to any fish meal! Capers don't hurt, either.  
  

Saturday, November 9, 2019

TO HEAVEN AND BACK


See this man in the picture??

OMG. Seeing him was one of THE freakiest yet heart warming, but still… freakiest moments of my entire life. I kind of shudder still, thinking about it, but I just couldn’t beLIEVE what happened to me about 2 weeks ago. In Denny’s restaurant, no less.

I went there with my girlfriend because we both decided we wanted breakfast for lunch and Denny’s was the only place where we knew we could get eggs, pancakes, etc. at 12:30 We ordered, we got our food, and then bingo. It happened. Right smack in my line of sight, a couple of  tables beyond, who should I see, but uh…

MY FATHER!! HIS SPITTING IMAGE. HIS EXACT CLOTHING. HIS EXACT POSTURE. AT 86 YEARS OLD! SITTING THERE, HAVING BREAKFAST, TOO!

I could NOT stop staring at him!! I TRIED looking at Betsy. I TRIED conversing with her. But… I couldn’t. I HAD to stare at my Dad, instead! To make matters worse… I then became addicted to taking pictures of him over and over again. I mean… really.

WHO THE FUCK GOES OUT TO EAT AND SEES THEIR FATHER ALIVE AND WELL, 12 YEARS AFTER HE’S PASSED AWAY?? Absolutely nobody does!

Well, nobody except me, that is. Talk about from earth to heaven and then back to earth again! Holy shit. It was NUTS. So much so that while my stomach was pretty much jumping all over the place, I just couldn’t stand it any longer. I had to finally go over and actually TALK TO MY DAD.

So lickety split, as if my feet had a mind of their own, I headed over to this stranger and proceeded to tell him how I could not stop looking at him for the past 25 minutes. I told him how he looked exactly like my Dad, how I just had to come speak to him, and how I loved seeing him. At which point, the guy sweetly took my hand and kissed it twice. I was so thrilled yet so sad seeing my Dad once again! IT WAS AMAZING. And… startling, too.

We spoke a few moments, and he introduced me to his wife, whose bright white hair reminded me of my Mom’s, but not nearly as beautiful as she was. She too, was very sweet to me, which, while my reincarnated Dad made we weepy, his wife made me smile. I was soooo happy I had gone over to speak to them both.

Of couse now, I could shoot myself altogether for not getting his name, etc. for I would LOVE to speak to Dad over and over again. I have a feeling that every Friday I had better get my ass over to Denny’s just to see more of my Dad. Downing a couple of blueberry pancakes wouldn’t hurt, either. 

All I can tell you is: I can only pray everyone in this world has a chance like I did, to see their parent just one more time. It will make you remarkably queasy for sure, but will also make you unbelievably jubilant at the same time. I can’t even explain the juxtaposition. I just know I was thrilled at this one last chance to again, see Dad one more time. 

It makes me cry, knowing how much I miss both him and my Mother. I would love their being able to see me at 71 years of age. If only. Anyway, I loved both my parents dearly and will miss them for ever and always. For now, however…

Thank you Dad for visiting me at Denny’s! I will never forget it for the rest of my life. Then again… how can I be SURE this wasn't my real Dad? Easy. Were he actually my Father... he would have totally picked up my check!    

Friday, November 8, 2019

SOOO DAMN WEARY


Thanks to the Watergate Hearings, I am a major political junkie, and have been for almost 50 years. Watching Sam Ervin was sheer constitutional majesty to me.  

Even today, I bypass every Netflix show all my friends rave about and have no clue of what they speak as they do a verbal re-run of all the latest episodes from a zillion TV shows. In fact, I am the only person I know that has never seen GAME OF THRONES, nor THIS IS US. Instead, I religiously watch, every political talk show possible, as long as it’s not on FOX. I would NEVER watch that channel given they are idiots, pawns for the President and have no interest in speaking truth.

Lately however, I have become soooo fucking weary of having to hear or see or analyse Trump and have had to work hard to cut my political addiction in half. Discussing him has totally taken a toll on my psyche, which I am glad to say has always been pretty healthy. Lately however? Oh man. I’m this short of jumping off a cliff just to spare myself watching the destruction of our magnificent Constitution… which btw, the President does DAILY. He lies, He cheats, he has zero brains and even less moral character. He's certainly not taken so much as a 9th grade Civics class. So…

What to do to substitute my political viewing? Bingo. A couple of months ago, I went to my alltime favorite… watching bullshit situation comedies. I know. Most are horrible but you can almost rest assured that I am staring at the show regardless, and probably even chuckling to myself. 

So what show have I been recording most, to ease my mental health weariness?? But of course, the BEST show ever… FRENDS. It has been a MAJOR relief in escaping the 24/7 side show of Donald J. Trump. Believe me… I watch Friends and boom. I’m happily in escape heaven.

With that in mind, I decided to record all the episodes, not knowing that apparently Friends airs 6 shows per day. Maybe even more. So basically, within a week, I had my DVR filled with a HUGE amount of episodes before you could say Jack Be Nimble. Within a month, I had hundreds of shows recorded and although I tried to see as many as I could per day, there was NO way I could ever catch up. The airings were coming at me fast and furious and unless I watched each recording for 24 hours a day, I couldn’t even begin to come close to being able to watch them all and then delete. IT WAS CRAZY.

Sooo… finally I caved. With hundreds of episodes filling up my entire DVR daily, I held my breath and… gulp… deleted all my unseen  recordings. Boom. ALL OF FRIENDS WAS GONE FOREVER. Well… until the next day, that is. Before I knew it, WHOA. My DVR was once  again getting out of control with all the accumulating shows, all over again! Meaning: that within days, I had hordes of recordings I had still yet to view. Talk about the remedy becoming worse than the problem. So fucking crazy.

Which is too bad, because once Trump, let alone Guilliani, got airtime with the whole Ukraine quid pro quo deal, I needed comedic refuge more than  ever! This is like an endless circle of Trump vs. Friends. And… Trump is totally losing; well that is, until of course I get to actually view his impeachment which btw, will tickle me to no end! Regardless of the fact I already know there will be no conviction in the Senate. I don't care. Just envisioning the White House freaking out day in and day out, is satisfaction enough for me right now. 

Plus sadly, Trump is  becoming more and more crooked with each passing day. As is every Republican in Congress, which makes me wholly discouraged. Watching our entire Constitution, a document of sheer sanctity, become shredded by our President and our Republican Representatives and Senators, is just so depressing. And oh, so wearisome.

Thus… thank you Monica, Ross, Phoebe, Chandler, Rachel and Joey from the bottom of my heart! You are totally helping me to maintain my already shaken sanity. And… screw you to anyone who votes for Trump in the 2020 election. You should all rot in Hell for ever and ever. On the other hand… the way things look nowadays… Trump could even be gone by then! If only. Oh yeah…

And btw… don’t even contact me next week. I will be glued to what else… the House Impeachment Hearings!! I will love every second of it, believe me. Well… except having to watch Jim Jordan that is, who makes me want to vomit altogether. By the time each day’s testimonies and then the analysis airings each evening are over, I’ll need an episode or two of FRIENDS for SURE. 

After all… that’s what friends are for, right??