Saturday, February 20, 2021

FRUIT AND DAIRY


I try to be careful in terms of what I eat. Well… at least for the month leading up to my testing for sugar levels, that is. THAT month, I am VERY careful about my food intake given I am not into any doctors yelling at me for not maintaining good health. The two months prior to testing however, I pretty much eat whatever the hell I want, throwing all caution to the wind. I totally have this scam down to a science, btw. Two months, eat crap. One month eat salads and protein. Boom. Sugar testing numbers come out perfect. With that, I do have to say, I eat a lot of fruit and… some dairy.

Which is why the picture up above is PERFECT for my scam diet. Fruit, check. Dairy, check. YAY STRAWBERRY CHEESECAKE! I cannot even reMEMber the last I ate this sensually delicious treat. But believe me, I’ve recently made up for it, but plenty. It began a week ago, when I went to the grocery store because HALLELUJAH! my son was coming to spend several days with me. I totally wanted to stock up on all his favorites. Isn’t that what EVERY Mother is supposed to do? Bingo. I did.

While in the grocery store, given it was just before Valentine’s Day, there was this whole big display of all kinds of goodies for the holiday. Naturally all the baked goods were either red and white, or pink and white.  However… there was only ONE item, and one item only, that caught my eye. THAT CHEESECAKE YOU SEE ABOVE. OMG... the strawberries were the size of tennis balls and the cheesecake was screaming my name, yelling: BUY ME. BUY ME. It needn’t have screamed however… I was on board to buy it in seconds flat.

And man… am I glad I did. It’s a total favorite of mine… and my son’s. So there was never a discussion in my mind whatsoever what I was serving for dessert that evening. Of course, he’s lucky he arrived when he did for you have NO idea what sort of restraint I had to use, to not dive right smack into the cheesecake just after mere hours of my bringing it home. Can you blame me? Just LOOK at it. Talk about something calling my name over and over again.

Okay. So basically… dinner was over and YIPPEE. I cut a small slice for him and then for myself. TO DIE FOR is all I can say about it’s taste. Hence… it was so worth the wait! The Gods of All Cheesecakes smiled down upon the both of us that night. And the days after, too.

For it goes without saying that everyday after that I slowly, deliberately, meticulously, began to eat away at this cake… one bite at time. I COULDN’T HELP IT! I was an addict in no time flat. And then, the next thing you know: two days later, my son opened the refrigerator and said: WHOA. YOU’VE  BEEN DOING SOME JOB ON THIS, ALRIGHT! Damn right I did. I told you... I WAS ADDICTED. And SOMEthing, I don’t know what, was taking over my body and made me have a bite for breakfast, a bite after dinner, a bite before bedtime, and a bite any damn time I felt like it.

And then, you know what? THE GODS OF ALL CHEESECAKES PUNISHED ME. AND PUNISHED ME BADLY.

For… on the morning my son was leaving… I was about to take one tiny bite just for good measure, and GUESS WHAT?? 

THE WHOLE DAMN CAKE FELL RIGHT SMACK ONTO THE FLOOR!! The entire damn thing!!

I was literally frozen with fright, if you must know the truth. And my kid must have recognized it IMMEDIATLY for in seconds flat, he bent down, started scraping all the cake back onto the plate, even asking me if he should throw out the huge strawberries that fell five inches away from the everything. HELL NO, DON’T THROW THEM OUT. This cake is going no where but right smack back onto that plate, as if nothing EVER happened at all. Including the rolling strawberries!

Don’t even fucking ask. It was a disaster! Yet not so much a disaster that I didn’t resurrect this prize of a cheesecake and made certain I had the chance to be sure every last bite of it could STILL get into my belly with no trouble at all. I was NOT going to let that cake die under any circumstances whatsoever. And… I didn’t.


I am happy to report that ever damn bite of the cheesecake, having been on the floor or not, eventually was eaten by piggy little me. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?? A grown woman eating cake from the floor?? AM I OUT OF MY MIND? Well… clearly, the answer is yes. After all, there are people STARVING in this world and I refused to waste one damn bit of it. Granted… it took another 3 days to polish off this fruit and dairy mix, BUT I DID IT! In record time, too. I so deserve gold medal. 

In the end btw... I can not TELL you how happy I was when this cheesecake was finally GONE! KAPUT! EATEN! FINISHED! Whew. My addiction was finally over, thank God. I could even once again, look in the mirror, feeling no more remorse whatsoever, over what a degenerate I obviously am. Meaning: my happiest day was when I bought the cake and then again, when I threw out the cake. I’m telling you… seriously… I was SICK OF LOOKING AT IT, ALREADY. Well… until the very last bite that I had left of it, anyway. 

So… a couple of lessons here: 1.) fruit and dairy are indeed excellent sources of nutrition 2.) disasters do in fact happen 3.) things also eventually get better 4.) old ladies with an otherwise high amount of dignity can in fact easily, in no time at all, become a low life… and a major disgusting gluttonous degenerate. Yay me!

I A O J  

Monday, February 1, 2021

JOBS I MIGHT LIKE

I never really liked working outside of the home. I never even liked working INside the home. I am basically pretty much a lazy ass kind of woman. In fact, my favorite part of the work force is hiring people. More to the point... hiring people to work for ME.

I’ve pretty much perfected that deal, too. It all started when I was first married at the age of 23, living in a two bedroom apartment. I was a stay at home bride and my job was probably nothing more than joining others for going shopping and having lunch. Oh, I did the laundry, the grocery store, and the cooking, but I totally did not do toilets, vacuuming, and dusting. THAT I left for my housekeeper to do.

It wasn’t until I was about 25 that I began working outside the home. I had graduated college with a degree in teaching and I went for an interview in an upscale private school and bingo. I got the job teaching third and fourth graders. That job lasted about 20 years.

In my second year of teaching, I remember sitting on a bench during recess with Nina, a teacher who would immediately become one of my all time favorite BFF… and telling her that if every cent of my salary went to paying my househelp, I wouldn’t mind one damn bit. After all, I loved teaching these children, and I loved where I was working but more… I loved coming home to a house that was spic and span. A house I DIDN’T HAVE TO CLEAN, MYSELF.

If I remember correctly, Clara, my housekeeper at the time, came to clean twice a week. Which is kind of crazy now that I think of it, given there was only my husband and I living in this apartment… and probably the messiest part of our lifestyle was clearing the joints and ashes off the cocktail table in our little living room every evening. We had friends over almost every night for dinner and/or getting high, so actually that job wasn’t always as easy as you’d think. In any case…

After a couple of years as newlyweds, we moved into a brand new 5 bedroom home where naturally, we used only the master bedroom and bath. It had a beautiful pool and backed up to a wonderful canal that happened to lend itself nicely to growing LOTS AND LOTS of our own weed, but that’s a whole different story for another day. More importantly… Clara still came to clean twice a week. Uh… until my husband kind of stole her away after we had divorced. The piece of shit. 

Mattered not however since lickety split I found Claudia B. who was with me until forever. Even when I eventually had live in help for when the children came along. Marie was my first live in whose main job was to basically entertain the kids when I was too lazy to do so. She also cleaned up after dinner and babysat so my husband and I could go out with friends and have a jolly ole time whenever the mood struck. 

By this time, I was taking a break from teaching, btw. Eventually, I went back to the classroom, but I also eventually had Marie, Lorena, Luz, Lynn, Tisha, Delinda, Pat, and some other women whose names I can’t even remember, who were either my personal assistant or live in help with the kids. Of course Claudia B. was still around, so I was totally still able to hang out with my friends at the drop of a hat, if I wanted. Which all points to the fact that, as I said, my favorite part of the job force is: HIRING PEOPLE. People to help ME.

Now don’t get me wrong. I was a hands on kind of a Mother, a fantastic home manager, a wonderful wife and a great employer. Obviously however, I was also apparently a lady heavy into personal leisure. Who skillfully delegated responsibilities, I might add. Now is that so bad?? Uh… not really. I deliberately and meticulously oversaw each and every person who ever worked in my home. Even Teresa and Bonnie who work with me today. You know... now that I think of it… I’d probably be a perfect Human Resource Manager! I’m excellent at sizing up home employees. Anyway…

Given that if I HAD to join the nine to fivers at this point in my life, I’d first have to shoot myself. BUT there are some jobs I think I’d really love. Of course my favorite job is one I totally can’t discuss here, if you catch my drift… but it matters not. For there are a few that I actually can, so with that in mind:

One job I think I’d like of course… would be writing. Except I’d have to be pretty strict with my boss and let him and/or her know that I will only write what I want, in the manner I want, and only when I want. With absolutely no changes to my written word. THAT ought to impress them right off the bat, right?

WHAT? YOU’RE GOIN TO GIVE ME ORDERS AS TO WHAT THE TOPIC SHOULD BE? OR WHEN THE FINISHED PIECE IS DUE? OR RE-WRITE MY PEARLS OF WISDOM IN SOME OTHER FASHION? UMM… I’M SORRY BUT I SEE WE HAVE A PROBLEM BEFORE I EVEN BEGIN, MR./MRS. BOSS. APPARENTLY IT LOOKS LIKE I THINK I’LL PASS. THANKS ANYWAY. I'LL TOTALLY HAVE TO FREELANCE. Talk about easy come, easy go.

I’d probably even like editing. For while I am the first to admit I make grammatical errors up the kazoo, I often can’t BELIEVE the misspellings or sentence misconstruction I see in all kinds of things I read! The big difference is, however: those folks are getting PAID to be professional. I’m merely killing time here at my home computer. Which kind of means: I can make as many errors as I want. But when professional writers have horrible sentence structure or can’t spell correctly and have borderline poor language skills, then trust me. I am pretty damn quick to pick up on writing mistakes 1-2-3. Well… except for when I’m doing my OWN writing. I know. It’s funny how that seems to play out. I can miss my mistake all the time. But YOUR mistake? Boom. I can spot it in a heartbeat.

Another job I think I would love is to go around the city and telling women: UH… TIME OUT. WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING? HAVE YOU NO MIRROR? DO YOU NOT SEE YOUR HAIR CUT? OR OUTFIT? OR SHOES? OR MAKEUP?? Man, could I ever set them straight in 2 seconds flat. True… I don’t claim to be a stylist for Vogue in any way, but Jesus. I see women walking around all the time with no fashion sense at ALL.

In fact, I was talking to a friend the other night about people I know who are SO off base when it comes to fashion, that it’s mind boggling. DO YOU NOT CHECK YOURSELF BEFORE YOU WALK OUT THE DOOR? I mean, come on. Seriously. Having good taste absolutely does not cost a cent. Polish up your look SOMEhow, okay? Obviously, I would probably get punched in the face over and over, but the public at large would probably thank me profusely.

Your city needs a professional Fashion Police? Boom. Your search is over. I’m your man! And I would be pretty damn good, too. For instance… here’s a tip: every single woman should totally be wearing a beautiful gold, delicate ankle bracelet at all times. Unless of course… you never go for a pedicure and your feet look like some animal’s, prancing around in the wild all day. In which case, you have WAY bigger problems than getting a pedicure. Besides, men love women who are attentive to their personal grooming. And, yes… you’re welcome for this little tidbit of advice, btw.  

Another job I would love, is being a food tester. Not the kind that has to detect poisonous ingredients, mind you. I have no interest in culinary death. The kind I’m talking about has to do with determining whether or not a meal is fantastically outstanding. Now, THIS IS A JOB THAT IS TOTALLY UP MY ALLEY! Anything from fast food to lobster thermidor. Can you even imagine?

HOW WAS WORK TODAY, HONEY? EXCELLENT, THANKS. I HAD TO SPEND AN ENTIRE DAY TASTE TESTING LOBSTER BISQUE, GOAT CHEESE WITH CAVIAR ON GOURMET MULTI GRAIN CRACKERS, PRIME RIB ON A BONE WITH LARGE FRESH GREEN BEAN TEMPURA AND OH YEAH… LOBSTER AND SCALLOP DUMPLINGS. Jesus. I would SO be first on the job, and the last to leave every day. 

I’d also be just as dedicated to my work if I were needed to taste test hotdogs or cheeseburgers. Or pancakes and Belgian waffles. Or any meal you want! I’ll be Johnny on the spot, alright. I would never taste heart or brains, however. I’d totally have to put that on my application.

The last job I think I could happily handle would be is that of an assistant to a milliner. I love women’s hats. Granted, I would have no clue whatsoever how to make one, but I would certainly be thrilled to be the main assistant to Stephen Jones let’s say, a top hat designer in the world of haute couture. Actually… maybe I would be better as a hat model. 

My head is small, believe it or not, so I always have to shop in the little girl’s department when I need a hat to fit properly. And btw... I’ve never worn a baseball cap in my entire life, in case anyone is interested. That's not a hat, but I shan't get bogged down with that discussion now. In any case, we’ve all seen plenty of hats on women who go to the Kentucky Derby or Ascot in England, who look absolutely RIDICULOUS in the hats they choose. Talk about Halloween costumes. A way far different look than the one you see in the picture above. THAT hat is one right up there with those you'd call absolutely stunning. Put it on Audrey Hepburn and bingo. You've the #1 look ever. Anyway...

The flow of the lines of this hat is simply beautiful. The size of the brim is remarkable. Of course the color of the black is outstanding. Granted... the brim is being held down by the model but when it's not, it is a stunning shape. Too bad I can't see what it would like were the brim folded back from her face a bit, but it matters not. And... speaking of model. Did the photographer not pick THE most elegant look with the exact perfect color of red for her lips and nails?? Man. The color is sooo spot on for an astoundingly elegant look. Oh yeah... while the model has WAY too much Botox going on in her lower lip, the nail color is the exact one I normally wear on my birthday each year. And... in case you give a shit, I ALWAYS wear white a white outfit on my birthday given it's my favorite color. 

Were I lucky enough to own this hat, btw, I would totally practice with a strand of small pearls all around the band of the hat. Or maybe a 1.5 inched width ribbon to match the model's red. Even a diamond pin just a bit offset to the left might work. All I know is, this is a smashing look even on it's own.



One of my own favorite hats btw, is one my husband bought me years and years ago…  a big brimmed straw hat kind of like the one Hillary Clinton wore to her husband’s inauguration 1993. Except hers was made of a of deep blue velvet, but she does wear brimmed straw hats a lot. And speaking of Hillary…

Yes, brilliant. Yes, experienced. Yes, formidable. BUT HER FASHION SENSE? Omg… it’s HORRIBLE. Only when on the campaign trail, when she has a stylist on hand at all times does she ever look somewhat decent. When left on her own? Don’t even ask. You’ve seen her lately? Man, does she ever need me policing her wardrobe and makeup. Plus… her hair style is abominable. And always has been. 

Anyway… that sort of wraps up my choice of jobs. I’m into anything not too taxing. Anything not requiring a long work day. Anything that pays big bucks. And anything that lets ME take charge of all that’s going on. Thus.. if you happen to know of any openings meeting these requirements, totally let me know. I promise to deliver. 

GYADHI  

Tuesday, January 26, 2021

SHOOT ME UP, PLEASE

Talk about it doesn’t take much to amuse me. But in this case… IT’S A BIG DEAL, IF EVER THERE WAS! I am so psyched about it and well I should be. Guess what happens on Friday.

I GET MY FIRST DOSE OF THE COVID-19 VACCINE!

I can’t even believe it! Especially since soooo many people I know have already gotten theirs. No wonder. They are 75. I’m only 72. BUT… YAY. The Health Dept. here lowered the age requirement and IMMEDIATLY I got on the phone and began calling the listed numbers for an appointment.

And calling. And calling. And calling. Don’t ask. The first day they were taking those under 75, I got on the phone and redialed the number over and over and over again. What a suprise: WE CAN’T TAKE YOUR CALL RIGHT NOW. PLEASE TRY AGAIN LATER. Oh, I tried alright.

I tried on Thursday. Then Friday. Then Saturday. Then I took Sunday off, thinking it was the Lord’s Day for many in the phone bank and after all, I totally wanted to be respectful. But on Monday morning… since I was already up, awaiting the arrival of Bonnie, my personal assistant… boom. I began calling lickety split at about 10:30 in the morning.

Trying to get through for an appointment btw… is not for the meek or docile personality. Rather, you had BETTER be ready to be tested for: ABILITY TO NOT BLOW YOUR BRAINS OUT UNTIL SOMEONE ANSWERS THE PHONE. Luckily I passed such a test, for I called repeatedly for about a half hour and THEN IT HAPPENED. Hallef’inglujah! For…

You should have HEARD me when someone finally answered!!

You’d have thought God himself had picked up my call. The first thing I said to Amy was: WOW! YIPPEE YIPPEE! I AM SO GLAD TO YOUR HEAR A VOICE! I TOTALLY NEED TO GET YOU A PRESENT! I AM SOO THRILLED I’LL NOW BE ABLE TO MAKE AN APPOINTMENT FOR MY VACCINE! THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

Naturally, Amy chuckled a moment but she was just so happy to help me. I still couldn’t believe I got through on the phone lines! So… basically, once this Amy answered, in no time at all, I got my appointment and was smiling from ear to ear. THANK GOD FOR SMALL FAVORS is all I can say. I have GOT to send her a full array of cupcakes or SOMEthing! She so deserves it. Amy was so patient with all my questions, told me exactly what I needed to know, and was just so sweet during the entire call. Plus…

After we locked in MY Friday appointment… I then asked her uh… could I also make one for my sister and brother-in-law, too? WHY OF COURSE YOU CAN! Was she serious? It was that easy?? Man. Was I ever in heaven, dancing all over the place. I told Amy she SO deserved a raise! AND… get this…

Turns out… just as we were about to hang up… a thought occurred to me. Like a light bulb went off in my head. I had apparently asked from where she was working, and when she mentioned the Community Outreach Dept. of our local hospital, I said WAIT. OMG. IS THIS AMY SO AND SO?? To which she said YES! I THOUGHT I RECOGNIZED YOUR NAME!

Boom. This was the exact same Amy who was my very first bank officer when I moved here almost 20 years ago and who is simply the BEST. Adorable and bright and oh, so sweet. After having climbed up the ladder of the banking system for many years, Amy then moved on to our hospital, apparently heading up the community liaison department. What better places to know people? Your bank and your hospital, right?? Money and health are WAY up on my ladder of importance. Anyway…

By the time Bonnie arrived, I felt like I was floating on air, telling her how I gotten an appointment for my vaccine! The bill paying job we had before us suddenly became secondary to all my glee. All I needed to know was: I WASN’T GOING TO DIE, AFTERALL. Instead, I was going to be vaccinated and then pray if I ever DID contract Covid 19, at least I’ll suffer like hell in the hospital, but will probably be able to walk out weeks later to spend the rest of my life recuperating. At least I hope so, anyway.

Interestingly enough… I immediately texted my son, who is the lead Physician Assistant at an urgent care facility. He was so happy for me! And… he then called me that night SO RELIEVED I was getting the vaccine. HE of course, had gotten his a month ago given he is considered an essential front line worker.

But apparently when he learned I was going to finally be able to get MY vaccination, he was as thrilled as I was. In fact, because of his unusual concern and relief, I had to ask him:  ARE YOU HIGH? OR HAVE YOU BEEN DRINKING?? WHAT'S WITH ALL THE UNEASE? Seriously. I couldn’t help it. For while I know how much he loves me, I had just never HEARD such worry regarding ME in his voice ever before.  

Turns out… while he’s been dealing with Covid patients for 10 months now… he apparently became very affected by the recent spike in patient cases and the severity of said cases. And according to what he was seeing… he did NOT want me to suffer like so many people walking through his door. Awww… talk about a devoted, loving son! He apparently would be absolutely devastated were his Mother to kick the bucket from covid. Which only means: I totally need to send him a present. In the meantime…

He laid down a bunch of rules which he made me promise to follow until I got my vaccine and as it happens, I’ve been following all of them. Well… except the time I had to leave my house to get a haircut and then a manicure and pedicure. Other than that though, I have stayed put, quarantined in my house just like my son told me to, basically sitting on my fat ass, thinking about all things I should be doing while here at home. In any case…

I totally have to make a practice run btw, to be sure I know where the hell I need to go for this shot. Just my luck. I’m driving all over the place, panicking because I have no idea where the hell I am, afraid I’ll lose my time slot if I not in the right place at the right time. I’m way into: BE PREPARED. So doing a drive by is basically mandatory, in my book. 

All I can say is: I AM SO READY FOR THIS SHOT! Granted… shooting up is not normally my favorite activity, but in this case? Oh man. BRING IT ON. And as for the idiots who DON’T want to be vaccinated… don’t even talk to me. Or, read this blog anymore. I have no patience for people who are too dumb to protect themselves and others. More importantly to help protect ME.

The miracle of modern medicine is simply so wondrous that to imagine people would even think of bypassing this vaccine is just mind boggling to me. Not to mention they are total A-holes. Hear me now: GET VACCINATED. WEAR MASKS. AVOID CROWDS. SANITIZE. WASH YOUR HANDS. What? That is so hard to do?? 

And most importantly… Do not wait! GET YOUR VACCINATION AS SOON AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN. Our country will thank you. Besides… if it were up to me and you choose not to get your shot… then you absolutely don’t deserve medical help in any way whatsoever, should you God forbid, contract this virus. YAY HEALTH. #listentoanoldwiselady

YTB 

Wednesday, January 20, 2021

TATERS


Not that I WANT to… but I think I could probably survive were I to live in Russia. Besides, my body type probably resembles that of the hearty looking Russian peasant women so I would definitely fit in. More importantly however, I could probably be okay living there for one reason and one reason ONLY. Naturally, that reason… what a surprise… is because of their food!

Bear in mind… most Russian international foods I have never seen, let alone eaten. I don’t even know how to pronounce most of the dishes of Russia which totally means I have never ever cooked them. Nor have I ever eaten in a restaurant that features Russian food. There even ARE such places here? I have no clue. Uh… except the Russian Tea Room in NYC.

Now THERE’S a fantastic place to eat! The menu selections make my mouth water just reading the choices of entrees or appetizers or whatever. I’m not too sure about their desserts, though. On the other hand, if they have baked pastries with lots of dark chocolate in it, then I’m totally good to go. In the meantime…

I happen to love borscht. It’s a famous traditional food of Russia and is basically a soup made from red beets which could be served either hot or cold. I remember my Mother making it while I was growing up. I don’t think my brother or sister were too crazy about borscht, but my Dad and I loved it. It was always served cold, with delicious sour cream spooned into it and man, was it ever a delight for your taste buds. Besides… the pinkish color was a big draw for me. You go to Russia? Boom. You’ll eat PLENTY of borscht. Just forego the added sprig of dill if you ask me. 

Another thing you’ll eat plenty of… at least I know I would… is beef stroganoff. It’s a big deal in Russia and while many counties around the world have their own ways to prepare it, the Russian recipe is my favorite. In fact, the dish was apparently named after Count Stroganov who was totally from the upper class and supposedly, his French Chef created this for the Count, with strips of  sliced meat because the poor guy was getting old, thus his teeth were no longer up to snuff. I love eating this Russian dish and man. It's pretty easy to make. So up my alley.

To make beef stroganoff, you simply mix a good cut of meat, all sliced up and then browned, into a couple of cans of mushroom soup, sautéed onions and mushrooms and of course you add sour cream into the mix. Oh yeah… you throw in a bit of white wine and I’m so telling you, you’ll be in Russian heaven. THEN… you serve all this over wide noodles and wow. SO DAMN GOOD! Talk about a hearty meal. The flavors are incredible. I love this dish and in particular, I love the noodles! Thus… so far, my tummy is pretty happy in Russia. 

Of course the politics of the country would be a major draw back for me so I would totally need their food to counter balance my misery of living in the city, in a one bedroom apartment with all kinds of hidden bugs listening to my every conversation with a family of seven. Besides... living under a dictatorship is not my first choice for a fantastic life style. Or... 

I could maybe be living out in the country side, probably not even having indoor bathroom facilities, which could also make think twice about taking up residence in Russia. Not to mention I’d probably have to herd a team of oxen up the lanes and byways all day long. In BELOW FREEZING  TEMPERATURES no less. For six months of the year I might add. Yes, summers are probably about 45 degrees which tells me, now that I think about it: maybe I’d love the weather there, after all! Well… as long as I’m wearing my full length mink coat, that is. But I digress… 

It turns out I also love herring, caviar and vodka. MORE Russian staples. I’d have to cream the herring however, and I would totally need a great appetizer upon which I’d put the caviar. I'd also need a great tasting juice to mix into the vodka so I'm not flat on my ass within minutes. Which makes me wonder if peasants have easy access to these epicurean delights. 

I’m thinking that when you’re living in Siberia let's say, money is pretty tight. Uh oh. I am already beginning to smell complications for my gourmet tastes. But... people DO choose to live in Siberia in spite of the rough and tough life style it offers. It's kind of amazing when you think about it. HI HONEY. I WAS THINKING WE MIGHT CONSIDER MOVING TO HARSHEST PLACE ON EARTH TO BUY A HOUSE AND RAISE THE KIDS. THE BEARS ALWAYS ROAMING THE STREETS CAN'T BE THAT MUCH OF A PROBLEM, RIGHT?? Can you even imagine? The up side, I suspect, is that at least you'll always have nice, rosy cheeks! Probably streaked by bear claws, I bet. But whatever. Anyway…

The REAL reason I think I could gastronomically survive in Russia is… ready for this??… the fact that one of all time favorite foods is POTATOES! The country is a HUGE producer of potatoes and I have yet to meet a potato that I haven’t loved. Just put one over a simple fire pit and cook it plain and bingo. I’m going to enjoy it like no tomorrow. A little butter or sour cream can't hurt, either. Russians boil potatoes. Or they fry them. Or they bake them. Or they even roast them. They do ALL SORTS of preparations for potatoes. Man. Sautee' some in a pan with onions and mushrooms and yowzers. You've got a meal fit for a king. And I would consume any of these preparations HAPPILY! Even if they were the main entrée, too. Which is why you see the picture above.

Turns out, this was my dinner the other night. And frankly… I loved this meal! Apparently I bought a bag of Russet Red potatoes recently and next thing I know… I had WAY too many. Hence my meal of potatoes only. Which I would have also done, if need be, with the Yukon Gold variety as well. These two types are by far the most delicious tasting potatoes ever AND can be used to make anything you want with them. The interiors are soft and fluffy tasting, cook quickly, and make one of the best comfort side dishes ever. Of course my meal this particular time was not a side dish. It was THE dish. And basically, I had no complaints whatsoever.

Which is why I decided I could probably survive pretty well in Russia. Even as a peasant woman although don’t get me wrong. I’d still love to be one of the elite, but if for some reason I wasn’t… I would still find a way to remain a Potato Cuisine Chubbette which only means: I'd fit right in with the other stocky looking women, owning an entire wardrobe of colorful babushkas. I’m just blessed that way, I guess. 

I do have to admit however, there ARE some STUNNING looking women in Russia who often become hot, sexy models. Plus... let's not forget the many mail order brides that probably find then themselves immigrating to developed countries, to men who wind up not being at all what they had bargained for. So not a good move, unfortunately.

In any case…. my meal of potatoes was delicious. I cooked them with a bit of olive oil and spiced them with salt, garlic powder and seasoning and was pretty damn happy with the outcome. I only ate about an eighth of this meal, but it also made for an excellent snack later in the evening. Kind of like: who needs popcorn? You’ve got potato bites, instead! Which I totally assume lots and lots of Russians enjoy daily.

Oh yeah… I almost forgot. Russian blintzes are spectacular, also! Yet with all this said... I am so staying right smack where I am. I'll forget about living in Russia and instead I'll merely cook my favorite Russian dishes right here in my convenient, comfortable kitchen. After all... my grandparents weren't all that crazy about the shtetls and pogroms. 

THAT is a whole other story for another day.

K!

Monday, January 18, 2021

TOMMY BOY


There have been a lot of boys in my life when I was raising my family thus I was in the world of sports way more often than I ever wanted. We had season tickets to all the major sports games and thankfully I was spared from ever having to take my son to pro wrestling when he was a nine or ten year old, and heavy into it. Luckily my husband was in charge of that. 

And by the way… let me state right off the bat - no pun intended - that the biggest scam of them all is Little League. You ever watch 5 and 6 year olds trying to hit a ball way into center field? Totally never going to happen, let alone ever be caught... and it was nothing short of torture when I had to sit at these games because the children had no clue what the hell they were doing thus making each game go on for hours and hours. I’m not even sure the kids themselves enjoyed it. IT WAS HOT out there!

Soccer was certainly more tolerable but again, I hated having to go to my kids’ games for that too. Besides, the games were at 9:00 or 10:00 in the morning and I was SO not up for doing games at that hour of the day on a Saturday. My husband was the coach for my children for years and years and my job was bringing the snacks. Me? I’d have been happy to bring cupcakes or doughnuts but nooooo… it had to be HEALTHY snacks like fruit or something or the other parents would have had my head on a serving platter. Trust me. The kids would have much preferred Pop Tarts.

I also hated going to the big arena every year for our season tickets to basketball games. First of all… there are like 1000 games played per season and at each of them, I felt like I was watching a ping  pong match given my head was turning first left and then right and then left again and of course, right again. Up the court, down the court. Up the court and down the court. Jesus. It was nuts. But of course the concession stands on the other hand, my favorite part of being a fan, were totally delicious. 

I could go on and on about all the sports games I found myself attending and then throw in the many that I needed to host in my own home and whammo. I had to be Mrs. Sportswoman of the Year all of a sudden. This was when Mohammed Ali was big so fight night was a major big deal. Then came Mike Tyson, when boom. The fight was over even before it began because he was knocking out opponents left and right, within seconds. By the time I even brought out the fancy schmancy foodstuffs from the kitchen, I not only missed the first round but basically, I’d miss the entire fight.

Two items of note, btw…. 1.) Howard Cosell was by far my all time favorite announcer! I loved watching this man like no tomorrow. Talk about articulate! Talk about knowing his business! Talk about drawing you right into the game with his blow by blow descriptions of the action! OMG. I could watch and/or listen to the man for EVER. I even enjoyed his ever popular toupee. If you were too young to have seen Howard and Ali together, then you missed something special, alright! Oh yeah. Bob Costas is my second favorite, in case you're interested. 2.) My son even earned a championship ring when Jimmy Johnson coached the Miami Hurricanes, by virtue of his being the ball boy for the team. Bingo. The was part of the team! The ring was HUGE, too. Almost bigger than my kid’s hand. Anyway…

Football was big in my house. I even remember my son playing in high school and as a 9th grader, he was put right smack onto the varsity team, lined up against the BIGGEST 12TH GRADE FOOTBALL PLAYERS I EVER SAW IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!! I immediately had to direct my kid to drop to the ground within SECONDS once the ball was hiked, so as to spare his life from these bulldozers. Of course, he never obeyed. He played defensive end for four years and each and every year, there was ALWAYS a trip to the emergency room for one reason or another. With a stop at poisonous Taco Bell because I felt so badly for him. In any case…

Football is my favorite sport to watch. Night games were my favorite for attending in person. And watching a great quarterback throw a perfect pass, only to be perfectly caught by a receiver thrills me to no end. In my late 20s Don Shula and the Miami Dolphins captured not only the entire city for years and years, but captured my heart as well. It was just so damn exciting and of course I knew all the team members by heart. Uh… just don’t ask me to name them all NOW, of course. My 72 year old brain is way past that. Which brings me to tonight…

Just like I did last week, I watched Tom Brady play again tonight, bringing wins to his team both weeks. Now HERE is a quarterback, if ever there was! Talk about a magnificent athlete! He brings a whole new meaning to poetry in motion. And F all you fanatical fans out there who expect me to know all the team members’ names or their statistics or even their positions. I am old thus I just watch the game. I even have a friend who totally delights in betting each week on all the games which basically means: you never quite know exactly what mood he may be in on Monday morning.

Regardless… I just can’t get over Brady! You know how you just HAVE to marvel at Michael Jordan playing?? Well… the exact same thing goes for Tom Brady. His passing arm is amazing. His athletic ability is a sheer joy to watch as he is looking for a receiver. And when he completes the pass?? Lordy. Talk about job well done! Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I don’t know all the technicalities of the game but I get the gist of it and it’s rules absolutely perfectly fine. I would be the perfect date to bring to a game. I do have to admit, btw, I think the camera men are out of this world. They all deserve major pay raises given they show us absolutely astounding shots of each play which makes it all the better for idiots like me. In the meantime…

Tom Brady’s statistics are to be envied by any quarterback you can name. No wonder. He has thrown the most passing touchdowns of all time. Boy, would I ever love to see his passing arm. Can you even imagine the strength this guy must have?? I don’t know what to tell you. I just find this guy utterly amazing. Sorry Dan Marino. Or Peyton Manning. Or Fran Tarkenton. Or Joe Namath who, by the way, is SO not attractive in spite of his posing in Playgirl. Tommy Boy outdoes you in every way, if you ask me.

Of course no one would EVER ask me to opine on football quarterbacks. I know nothing about them, but I do know a winning athlete when I see one. And believe me… I’d love nothing better than to see each and every one of them in the locker room in a heartbeat. No matter WHAT sport they’re in. Because I do have admit.. .Tom Brady is damn good looking, alright! His smile alone moves him right up to the top of the list. Don’t believe me? Check THIS out:

The chiseled face doesn’t hurt either. Man. Has he ever got it all. Not bad for being 43!! How he is even playing at this age is incredible. Talk about 40 being the new 25! Which naturally has to make me wonder: WILL HE MAKE TO THE SUPERBOWL THIS YEAR?? Oh God. I so hope so!

I A T


Friday, January 15, 2021

MY LIFE IN PHOTOS

I’ve written often about how I go nowhere without my camera. Even today, I still have my little digital camera in my purse at all times. True, I never use it anymore, but I feel absolutely naked without it. Why don’t I ever use it? Easy. I got my first Pixel 2XL phone a few years ago and boom. Goodbye digital and hello cellphone. So now both cameras are with me everywhere I go. But the Pixel camera is way better.

And it’s a good thing, too for you just never know what the heck you’re going to see while out and about. Like the time I was driving behind a car and for the first time ever, I saw hanging from its back fender, TRUCK NUTZ. Why ANYone would ever want these is beyond me, and I do have to say I was aghast when I saw them. So much so that bingo. I took out my camera while waiting at a stop light and next thing you know, I snapped a picture. And… I posted a whole story about them here on my blog several years ago. It was nothing short of crazy! What is not so crazy… are these pictures I’m going to show you below, a bit of what my life in photos for 2021 has been like so far. Uh… you’re welcome.

Unlike the truck nutz… I am going to  go way to the other end of the spectrum… for I had a MAJOR happy surprise last week. I was sitting at my desktop, happily working away on something and I look up and see from the window in front of me an Amazon truck pulling into my driveway to deliver a package. Yay presents! So I get up, go to the front door and open it so I can grab the present and WHAT DO I SEE  WAITING FOR ME, AT THE DOORSTEP BUT A HUGE BOX OF FLOWERS!! Omg… I couldn’t believe it! They were probably there, unbeknownst to me, for maybe a half hour BUT WHOA was I ever surprised! And totally delighted!

Which naturally meant, to hell with the present from the Amazon delivery guy… I wanted to go check out the flowers I received, instead! Oh man. They were OUTSTANDING! Don’t believe me? Check them out below…

Beautiful, right?? Took me no time at all to open the flower box and my eyes popped out with a huge smile on my face. Plus… I got the most beautiful purple crystal wind chime that was included! A DOUBLE SURPRISE. You have  no idea how much I love wind chimes. In fact, I have one right smack outside my window as we speak. So basically these treats absolutely made my day! And my week too, actually, for they are still stunning and fresh. QUICK! Whip out the camera and remember this day for ever! Which naturally I did. I am beginning to think I need this treat every month btw, but yes, I know. I totally don’t see that happening. It doesn’t matter though because this kind of surprise can last for always. Besides… I’m not into greed. Conspicuous consumption, arguable. But greed, no. Anyway…

Another absolutely amazing day was just a couple of days ago when I woke up. Still half asleep, I moseyed into the kitchen to get a drink, not even fully awake yet and I look out my kitchen windows, Boom. What do I see but THE MOST BEAUTIFUL SCENE EVER. It apparently had snowed all night long and boom. I see this!

Can you believe it? Now THAT’S what I call Mother Nature at her best. How long you think it took me to grab my camera and get THIS shot?? And… not only did I start taking pictures, but I began shooting videos as well. Oh man. It was just so magnificent, I can’t tell you. Coming from South Florida, having lived there for 55 years, I NEVER saw this, I can tell you that. And… this is exactly why I left. 4 ASTOUNDING SEASONS! Winter has totally become my favorite, btw. It has definitely surpassed autumn which had always been my No.1, but since coloration the past few years has been kind of weak, winter has moved right on up a notch. Can you blame me? Seeing snow fall is exciting in your heart and soothing in your mind. And… just so beautiful to watch, no matter your age nor your favorite season.

Okay. So ANOTHER great day was on New Year’s Eve when I went to a spectacular luncheon at a friend’s home. There were many reasons why I loved that day, but the best part was when I helping my friend learn how to use the cartridge of weed for her vaping pen. We followed the instructions, kept trying to get it to work and we were getting nowhere but fast. We Googled instructions and even watched YouTube to see what was going wrong. THEN… ALL OF A SUDDEN… I SEE MY FRIEND COUGHING HER HEAD OFF, SURROUNDED BY CLOUDS AND CLOUDS OF SMOKE which only means… guess what. I got it to work! I BURST out laughing like crazy because we had no clue that I discovered the answer to taking a toke. It was just so great, let alone hilarious. And man, was she smashed. It was like out of the blue, bingo. The pen worked and my friend, by total accident, inhaled the hit of her entire life!  

BUT… my second favorite part of the luncheon was the after-lunch-cocktail we were served. Normally, I NEVER drink liquor and if I did, vodka would be my go to choice if there was no champagne. Never straight up, mind you, but that matters not. However… on THIS day… I had a cocktail not only made with vodka but with bourbon and Irish whiskey, too! WHOA. Maybe the most liquor I’ve had in my entire lifetime. AND, MIXED WITH CHOCOLATE SYRUP, TOO. Don’t even ask. I was buzzed like no tomorrow. Not enough though so that I couldn’t get a shot of this simply DELICIOUS drink! Take a look at it, and if ever I’m at your house, definitely have it ready for me, please. But stop me after five sips. Otherwise you could so have a houseguest on your hands for a good three days.

Looks pretty spiffy, right? And, like I said. Oh, so delicious. No wonder. The chocolate drowned out the taste of liquor perfectly! Oh yeah. I was the one to dip all the cocktail glass edges in syrup, in case you’re interested. Make this drink. Your guests will lap it up!

Now THIS photo needs no explanation. I just wrote about him the other day. He is totally a joy for my eyeballs. And a pleasure to see each time I pass by him. Which is about 50 times a day. The picture is not doing him justice, but I had to take a shot of him anyway for he is just so wonderful.

Alright. So once again, Covid is taking it’s toll on me. Remember many months ago when I wrote about the fact that this pandemic just HAD to end, and soon, given I couldn’t stop cooking? And thereby couldn’t fit another damn thing into my freezer? Uh. Guess what. IT’S HAPPENED AGAIN. And I am not proud about it, either. In fact… it is soooo embarrassing that I’m even unhappy about sharing this photo, but as per usual… anything for my readers! Totally do not judge me, please. Besides… I have completely organized the entire freezer by now… and it looks WAY more acceptable. Not necessarily more accessible mind you, but far more organized. It was feat all onto itself, I don’t mind telling you. Don’t tell anyone you saw this, btw. They’ll call me a sloppy homemaker which I am NOT. There is simply not an INCH of space for one more item. 

Now this last photo for today is a shot I took a few days ago because I looked at this pose and immediately decided it was like WHERE’S WALDO? Instead of course, it was more like: WHERE’S ZEBULON? Bingo. In his bed, which apparently matches his body EXACTLY! I couldn’t believe it! If I had WANTED a bed to perfectly match him, I could never have found one. But one look at this and man, I almost had to say HEY! WHICH PART IS WHICH? WHAT’S GOIN ON HERE? WHERE’S MY DOG? Who as a matter of fact, is THE most perfect dog you’d ever want to meet. Well… other than the fact that for some reason, right out of the blue, lately he apparently now loves to pee right smack on the right hand corner of my bed skirt. What? My decent enough sized backyard is no longer good enough for him? Wow. Talk about spoiled. Regardless… get a load of this pict.

An adorable little dog, right? You could so eat him up! And, just so you know, if  Zebulon decides to keep up with this peeing bit by my bed corner, all applications for finding him a new home will be accepted via this blog. Maybe. I just may have to keep him after all, since you won’t know exactly what he’s trying to tell you the way I do. Nor will you know what he likes and doesn’t like. Most importantly, you won’t know that he would never run away when someone enters the house because he’s way too nosey to not check out the incoming company. BUT if you open the front door when they leave? Uh… he runs like a bat out of hell and the next thing you know… he’s busy roaming the entire neighborhood for a good half hour! With NO WAY WHATSOVER of catching up with him. The closer one gets to him… the faster he runs the other direction. Talk about a pain in the ass. But a great subject for a picture nonetheless. 

So there you have it. My first shots for 2021. There will be zillions more to come as the year passes so stay tuned. More importantly… you too, should be taking pictures! There is a better way to document one’s life? Uh… no. 

Oh wait… I lied. There IS one more picture I want to share once again. I wrote all about him many years ago.This is maybe my ALL TIME FAVORITE EVER. The EXACT reason to always have a camera at hand. Talk about THE funniest shot I’ve ever seen! And sadly, not one I took. But who cares. Although I would LOVE to thank the photographer profusely whoever it was. THEY WERE BLIND TO WHAT THE CAMERA WAS CATCHING?? Think: apparently!


Can you beLIEVE what you're seeing here?? Does this not make you absolutely laugh right smack out loud?? I bet I've had this snapshot for 15 years and I would not part with it EVER. How could I? You're feeling blue one day? No problem. Take one look at this guy, oblivious to everything, and the next thing you know, all your cares fly away in a second. 

Saturday, January 9, 2021

I LOVE HIM

At least I think I do. I haven’t lived with him long enough yet, to know for sure. But I kind of think I really do! And no wonder…. he’s fantastic!

Turns out I needed to find some sort of artwork I could love to hang above my ugly family room couch. The couch about which I’ve often written. So I had to decide first what kind of “subject” I would like this artwork to be. I could have gone with an idea of nature but that was not rocking my boat in the least. I could have also gone with some sort of modern art, which is my preference but again, it wasn’t necessarily giving me a thrill.

What DOES give me a thrill, however are the Laughing Buddhas I have in each room of my house. THOSE make me smile every time I look at one of them. I like the idea of their bringing happiness into my home, not to mention the abundance, good luck and good fortune they represent. Simply put… each Laughing Buddha brings love and joy into my home. Who WOULDN'T like that?? Soooo….

Once I decided what my subject was going to be for above my couch, I went online and Googled Laughing Buddha images. Bingo. Zillions came up and I must have spent about an hour or two going through each shot trying to find the one I loved most. UP COMES THE ONE YOU SEE ABOVE. He struck a chord with me right off the bat. Plus… he was gold in color! While my all time favorite color is white, gold is pretty much the only metal I’ll ever wear in my jewelry, so it was like a match made in heaven. Plus… he was LARGE.

Next thing you know, I downloaded the image, tweaked it some in Paint Shop Pro and then boom. I uploaded it to an online service that creates said image onto a canvas print for a wall hanging. Talk about easy. The pricing is totally reasonable enough, so basically if this doesn’t work out as well as I hope, then no big deal. I can find a replacement lickety split. But I’m not so sure I will need to. Yippee.

It’s kind of interesting about Laughing Buddhas, actually. They all have a different significance depending upon whether they are standing or sitting, for instance. They also mean something different if they are holding a specific item and even in which direction you place him. Like the one above, for instance. See his beads? They represent “pearls of wisdom” which, given you read my blog, you already know… I am FULL of such pearls! Or... full of shit. Take your pick. Anyway… 

You should not ever put Buddha on the floor which is why the one I have in my bedroom, is sitting on a base that I put underneath him, on the floor, facing my bed. I kind of like knowing a Buddha is bringing me happiness for a uh… happy encounter, let’s say. What? Not EVERYbody does that? Well, let me tell you… they should! For he’s proven his worth many a time. In any case…

NEVER put one in a bathroom. Supposedly the best place to sit him is facing a main door, btw. And… his placement should be at least 30 inches high. Which now that I think of it… maybe I better go measure the one in my bedroom again. He and his base may be a bit under. Uh oh. 

Regardless, a Laughing Buddha should definitely be revered. Granted… I can’t say I reVERE my Laughing Buddhas, but I certainly get major joy looking at each of them. I would like to tell you which of mine is my favorite, but I’m not sure I can. Sort of like you can’t say which of your children is your favorite. Well…unless of course, one of them is a constant pain in the ass and always brings major aggravation. In which case, love that child with all your heart, but definitely move that kid to the back of the line.

I do love the Laughing Buddha in my dining room, however. He is kind of elegant maybe, hence why he sits on my side serving table. Which of course I never use for serving. Instead I have other pretty crap I like looking at, so who has room for food?

While the laughing expressions thrill me to no end, their bald heads and pot bellies are a big delight for me, too. Sort of like all men my age are, actually. A 75 year old gentleman with abs like a 35 year old? Please. Get real. And… this is important… if that gentleman can’t make me smile and laugh several times a day? Out he goes! No questions asked. Who needs him then? What you DO need however…

Is a Laughing Buddha in your home! Small or large doesn’t matter. I can almost guarantee he can make you happy each time you see him. As do the bowl of Italian Murano glass cherries I have in my family room. AnOTHER reason to be happy given… life IS but a bowl of cherries! 

Whoa... no wonder I'm rarely depressed.

Thursday, January 7, 2021

THE CHEAPIE ROUTE

 


So I cheaped out this week. Very unlike me btw, but the draw was just too strong this time. And you know what? I totally think it’s going to work out perfectly fine!

Everything started with my sister in law who was telling me that she recently went to Sam’s Club… a Costco type place, here…  and that she decided to try the optical department there for her new glasses. And as it happened, she was tickled pink because when she walked in, lo and behold who should the optician turn out to be?? CARMEN. The exact same Carmen who used to work in South Florida at the very pricey optical office, where she used get her glasses made years ago! For big bucks, too.

It was like a homecoming that thrilled my sister in law to no end. Turns out Carmen told her that buying glasses and lenses at Sam’s Club was totally excellent, they used top of the line best labs and lens cutters that she’d find anywhere and was WAY CHEAPER than any place she could go. So BINGO. She decided it was worth giving Sam’s a try! And she did. And Carmen was right. Her glasses were fantastic for WAY less money! 

Ok. So given I had a new prescription for my glasses that I had had made just about 9 months ago, I decided I would cheap out and head over to Sam’s for MY new lenses. Boom. I made an appointment with Carmen, who as it turns out, has more happy energy than any 12 people I know put together. Right off the bat, she said to me that I’ve obviously got a Manhattan vibe given I was dressed in all black, wearing my red frames and statement jewelry and supposedly had an exceptional personality. Wow. Talk about an astute saleswoman, alright. She even made me twirl all around for Karen, the other optician who I guess was to supposed to soak me all in. Man. It was like Carmen was thrilled to FINALLY see someone who came from a big city as opposed to the mountain folk whom we normally see all the time around here. But in any case… 

Carmen was patient, professional and reassuring that indeed she can have my lenses made so I could then see everything in the world perfectly fine. Lenses for all 4 pairs of glasses, I might add. 2 pairs for everyday wear, 1 for sunglasses and 1 pair for my computer glasses. All of which would normally come to a couple thousand of dollars anywhere else. Carmen’s price however? $700 for the entire kit and caboodle! Wow. I was pretty damn psyched about all this, I do have to say. YAY CARMEN. She obviously knows her business like no tomorrow. 

Or... maybe she merely spotted a sucker for it all the moment I walked in. Which of course is the first lesson in being a great retailer. For believe you me... I fit that description to a T. And to prove it, I wound up falling for the brand new Kate Spade frames that I'll now use for my computer glasses. I tried them on and bingo. Carmen, Karen and I were totally elated. In the meantime…

Other than meeting Carmen and getting her professional help at a great cost, I must admit that my FAVorite part of this whole experience was actually a much better one. My hot dog! For I would NEVER go to Sam’s Club… to which I hadn’t been in almost a year… and not go up to their “café” of sorts to order a hot dog. They have THE best tasting ones I’ve ever had. And I’m kind of a pro at this, if you must know. I don’t know who makes it (I almost want to say Nathan’s) but man, is it ever delicious. Actually, critics say Costo’s hotdog is much better but in my town, I have only one choice of a big box store so I happily roll with the punches.

Anyway… I hadn’t eaten all day long thus I was starved! So while Carmen was busy for about 20 minutes getting my prescriptions all written up for the four glasses, I moseyed on over to Sam’s Cafe, got in line, and placed my order. My problem however was: should I stick to the ever popular hot dog OR… do I want to step out of the box for once and maybe get a slice of pizza instead? Hmmm. It was a major dilemma, let me tell you. What the heck should I order? Because I just have to say… there were loads of people who had apparently pre-ordered a whole pizza and man! Did it ever smell delicious! Talk about Pavlov’s dog at his best.

Ok. So by the time it was my turn… I walked up to the counter and said to the lady UH… YOU KNOW WHAT? I'D LIKE A HOT DOG PLEASE AND NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT, I’LL EVEN TAKE A SLICE OF PEPPERONI PIZZA TOO, WITH A SMALL DIET COKE! THANKS! Wow. Talk about solving a problem with no second thoughts whatsoever. When in doubt… order it all! And boy am I glad I did! For while I downed the hot dog in sheer delight while waiting for Carmen to finish… later, when I got home and took a bite of the pizza, I was in heaven! Was it the BEST dough I ever tasted? Uh, no. But… was it absolutely, unexpectedly, perfectly and deliciously acceptable? DAMN RIGHT IT WAS. And once it was in my tummy… my insides knew no difference whatsoever. I love when I made the right decision! Oh yeah… get this...

The total cost for me was $3.79! Which btw, was less than the sign said it would be, but I think maybe it was because I didn't get the pizza combo. Of course, were it $13.79, I wouldn’t have given a damn. I STILL would have happily paid for it. And… the slice of pizza could easily have been cut in 4ths. IT WAS HUGE. Exactly the way I like my... uh… portions. Yeah, that’s the ticket. Portions.

In the meantime… I am so counting down the days until my glasses are ready. They are going to be fantastic and I am going to be glowing. That’s IF the prescription is correct to begin with. It usually takes me two times to have my eyes tested, just to be sure they test equally on both days, but I’m going out on a limb this time and I am assuming the doctor and I got it right the first time around. Boy. What an optimist I am.

I am also going to try to hit Sam’s Club way more often from here on in. I forgot about all the kinds of foods they carry that I love. Case in point: Chicken Cordon Bleu and Shrimp Scampi! Which I WOULD have gotten while I was there for my visit with Carmen but I swear… there is NOT ONE INCH of space in my freezer to fit one more bit of food whatsoever. Seriously. It’s so damn embarrassing, it's ridiculous. Thus… I had better eat up a boat load of entrées from my freezer in the next 8 days and FAST.

For in 8 days I am hoping to have the best damn eyeglass lenses one could ever want. YAY EYESIGHT. YAY CHEAPO GLASSES. YAY CARMEN. Most importantly... YAY ME.

Friday, January 1, 2021

SO... IT'S FINALLY HERE

 

I can’t even believe it. I’ve waited 12 months for this day to arrive… a brand new year! And to be sure I was not dreaming that 2020 was over, I stayed up and watched the ball drop in Times Square. Sure enough, I lived long enough to usher in 2021. What a freakin' relief if ever there was.

Every year btw… my all time favorite part of seeing the ball drop is the music afterwards. First is always AULD LANG SYNE. Then comes NEW YORK, NEW YORK. To which I sing each and every word btw. Then usually comes AMERICA THE BEAUTIFUL and finally WHAT A WONDERFUL WORLD. Man. What a playlist if ever there was. Actually, I sing to ALL the songs and love every minute of it. Oh yeah… I just loved that Times Square was somewhat filled with front line and essential workers. Boy… did THEY ever help NYC this past year.

Of course this year, was the weirdest celebration ever for me. I did go to a fantastic New Year’s Luncheon with 4 other friends. It was soooo delicious I can’t even tell you. But you can see me above, loving every bite of ceviche with shrimp on a flat taco shell. OMG. I could eat this every day. Of course we started with hors d'oeuvres and champagne so right off the bat I was in heaven.

What was weird however, was that I was at home for the rest of the evening. There was no restaurant any of us wanted to go to for indoor dining. There were no celebrations at night given we had all celebrated Christmas Eve so no one was up for doing New Year’s Eve this year. I only heard two fireworks going off. Thus if it weren’t for the ball drop I wouldn’t even had known a celebration was going on.

Well… except for the fabulous phone calls, messages and texts I got. The calls were great, btw. Hearing from my kid was probably the best but the others were excellent because several were from friends miles and miles away. And we all had the same feeling… 2021 WAS FINALLY HERE! And naturally… we are all crossing our fingers that the in the next 20 days THE IDIOT will not destroy our country further. Talk about a holy terror. Hold on to your hats, folks. God only know what’s in store in the next few weeks.

Regardless… I am thrilled I survived this pandemic so far and am looking forward to a MUCH happier year this time around, on so many levels. I hope the same goes for everyone reading this post. Think: VACCINE. May all of us get it and quickly, so we can finally end this nightmare already. I know. I know. I have to be patient but if I am able to have it by spring or summer I’ll be forever grateful. Yay senior citizens. Yay underlying conditions. Yay thin needles. Yay creating a merry little life once again. Trust me… I have high hopes for lots of things. 

Case in point: I WANT TO GO TO A MOVIE THEATER. Yes, it’s open here in my city, but with rising covid cases, who the hell is going to chance being inside, having no clue how safe the other movie goers might be. Just what I need. Sitting there, downing my beloved popcorn only to test positive 10 days later. Many of us have TALKED about going but we came to our senses immediately. Of course I have other high hopes but again, I will just have to be patient and wait it out. Damnit. In the meantime…

May all of you be able to find lots of joy in 2021! I pray your lives are filled with good health, lots of laughter and is shared with someone you love like no tomorrow. You’ve got those three things?? Boom. You’re off to an incredible start! Yay happiness!

And so here we go. Let’s live and create outstanding memories once again. God knows I’m going to try!  


Monday, December 28, 2020

IT'S ALMOST OVER!!


And no. I don't mean the women all over the world who I suspect just might be saying this to themselves right this very minute, for alas…  that is a different story altogether. Instead, I’m speaking about...

Thank God Almighty! 2020 is FINALLY coming to an end!

And not a minute too soon, if you ask me! Even if you are not the type to celebrate and paint the town red for New Year’s, you damn well should THIS year! Holy mackerel. If THIS year isn’t one for you to jump for joy at it’s end, then man. You have no celebratory blood running through your body at ALL.

Because I am so telling you. To see this year over is something that has ME dancing all over town. Of course it would nice IF I could go all over town, but obviously this pandemic is having me dance all over the house, instead. But it matters not. Just be sure you celebrate SOMEhow. Kind of like that picture above. See? I'm smiling already!

In fact… I just may need to have a WHOLE glass of champagne this year. I’m a major cheap date however because 4 sips and boom. I’m ready to take a snooze with a smile on my face. But not THIS year. Man. I just may have a toke AND a glass. Never say never. Remember: I’m from the generation of burning bras and making love not war. So… I basically need no lessons in partying hard. Throw in a Quaalude and God only KNOWS what sort of fantastic sex is on the agenda. Or… mushrooms, hashish, etc. I would NEVER have considered coke, btw. I mean seriously. How disgusting is it for a woman to have her face on the tabletop, snorting white powder up her nose. The visual of it just always grossed me out. Plus... it had to cost SOMEbody a boat load of money. In any case…

To have lived through this year AND the coronavirus has been sheer hell. Oh… not necessarily just because our President is amoral or I couldn’t dine in restaurants or could go nowhere without a mask or a whole slew of other reasons, but frankly…  my most hellish reason was actually due to my fear of being without toilet paper, paper towel and of course those 6 weeks whereby I could not buy Caffeine Free Diet Coke in a can.

Granted, I abided by all the health restrictions I was supposed to, as everyone under the age of 52 paraded all over town, while rest of the world was on a respirator. THOSE people cared less about millions of folks who were fighting for their fucking lives. Sadly, for those patients, THAT’S what I call things being OVER, alright. What a shame is all I can say. Literally, a crying shame. This was THE deadliest year in HISTORY! Which reminds me…

I needn’t mention how thrilling it will be to see the end of 2020 if for nothing else than…THE bigly-ist reason of them all… TO SEE HIM GO!! Omg. What a vile man and a wicked leader. Look up DANCING ON ONE’S GRAVE in a dictionary and boom. You’ll see his face plastered right smack on the page. With absolutely no explanation ever needed. HE’S DEAD AND  BURIED?? YIPPEE. BRING ON BRUCE AND THE E STREET BAND AND LET’S DO IT! TALK ABOUT TIME FOR DANCING IN THE DARK!

Another reason I’ll be celebrating the end of 2020 is the fact that soon enough… I’ll be able to actually celebrate IN PERSON once again! I mean Skype, Zoom and Facetime are nice enough but for family holidays? Major milestone birthdays? Graduations? Births? Weddings? Now THOSE should definitely be able to be done whereby you can actually hug and kiss rather than giving elbow bumps donning a mask. There are some folks I can’t WAIT to kiss and hold in person and you know what? As this year ends, I might even be able to do it in the next one! I mean seriously. I miss my kid like no tomorrow, for example. QUICK! GIVE ME MY VACCINE AND LET ME LIVE OUT THE REST OF MY LIFE IN THE PLEASURES OF HUMAN TOUCH ONCE AGAIN. Wow. Talk about joy. Anyway… I did get SOME gratification this year.

Granted, it was kind of a selfish indulgence on my part yet actually THAT is something I’ve totally perfected. Case in point: in the last month I upgraded three of my all time favorite items. Here… take a look at them, all in the correct order of adoration, I might add.


Yay Kindle Fire 10!

Yay Pixel 5!


Yay iPad!

In the meantime... how we even got to this place of ending a hellish year like this one is beyond examination or explanation. It will take years for authors to write about all the bullshit that went on in our government, from the highest elected official to the lowest. On every front, folks who COULD have saved our democracy… whether it be on health, security, children in cages, stimulus relief, racial injustice, decency, hunger, etc. etc… will not only have to explain why they DIDN’T save it, but also tell me what was in it for them to commit such an atrocity that they knew would take decades to repair and/or document. For in my mind… 2020… and the 4 years prior… was a time in history when America’s government lost it’s treasured soul.

Oh yeah. I now know who else will also be thrilled to see this year end… EVERYONE OF THOSE FUCKING CRIMINALS TRUMP JUST PARDONED!! Actually, I am still confused how Trump can pardon himself or his kids if they haven’t even been charged or convicted of anything. Well, yet anyway. And… the fact that Trump is about the pardon the kiddies, sort of tells me that he probably won’t resign whereby giving Pence the ability to do the pardoning for his children and himself. But… never say never.

Besides… I really don’t see it in Trump’s DNA to give up and just hand the reins over to that slimy, ass kissing Veep. MOTHER… UH… IS IT OKAY IF I HAVE LUNCH ALONE WITH A FEMALE GOVERNMENTAL OFFICIAL SO WE CAN WORK UP A GAME PLAN TO LET ME BE PRESIDENT FOR A WEEK? Jesus. What a hen pecked pussy HE is.

Okay. Okay. I get it. I’m ranting way too much and way too often. But I just can’t help it. It’s just that I can not TELL you how thrilled I am to soon be welcoming in 2021. And btw… I promise that should there be one more last post of the year… it will be chipper and hopeful to make up for all the bitching I’ve done recently. In any case… at least there was one good thing I guess I should consider.

Thank GOD I was able to have my hairdresser come to my house to give me haircuts despite our serious lockdown in spring. THAT was a huge deal for me. And actually… I was able to even weather the couple of months I had to forego my manicures and pedicures until the salons were opened once again. For remember: personal grooming is WAY high on my list of necessities. Now THAT is something I don’t EVER want to end.

Even when I’m in the Oldie Goldie Home, I want these services rendered to me. Even before I’m put in the pine box, too. Raise your hand if you’d like to volunteer to be sure that actually occurs. And thanks to anyone for offering to step up! I’ll be eternally grateful. Literally.

In the meantime, I totally have high hopes for 2021. Like being able to at long last GO TO A MOVIE THEATER ONCE AGAIN! Oh man. How I’ve missed that. And the popcorn, too. I also want to see plays again. And travel again…  although I just want the possiBILity to travel. Not necessarily go anywhere given I’m pretty much a lazy homebody. I want to dine inside a restaurant again, hopefully with an upscale buffet. I want to be able to entertain in my home without having to restrict the number of people I can invite. I want to be able to go to a grocery store without seeing empty shelves and/or price gouging.

I particularly have pretty high hopes for a normal Presidency in 2021, praying Republicans will allow Biden to govern with compassion, fairness and legality. Of course, that could be just a fantasy on my part, but I’m hoping for it nonetheless. I also have high hopes that we can once again SEE EACH OTHER’S FACES. I mean eyebrows and eyeballs are nice but who knows what the hell is beneath that mask, anyway?

All I can say is: Hallef’ingluyah 2020 is over! I wish you and everyone you love a most wonderful New Year… filled with laughter, good health and love. Most of all… be thankful for every happy thing that comes your way! 

Lastly... and maybe this is the most important thought of this entire post... my heart breaks for anyone who lost someone they loved due to Covid 19. It is a tragedy at best and an agony at worst. In spite of the heroic efforts of every health care worker, this pandemic has taken far too many loved ones and if you have suffered from such a loss... I pray you find peace in your heart... eventually being able to hold dear their memory without ache. 

May 2021 be a relief for us all.