Wednesday, December 2, 2020

POLITICAL TALK

Several years ago, I came up with an idea of how I would moderate a political talk show. I may have touched upon it a bit back then, but these days, I’m taking it way more seriously. Especially given how absolutely dreadful the current moderators are, no matter what channel nor what show you watch. THEY TOTALLY SUCK. Why you ask??

Easy. Because each and every one of them NEVER press the guests to actually answer the question! The moderators give the guests a total platform to lie, spin or ignore answering altogether. Hence MY show would be called:

ANSWER THE QUESTION!

The basic premise is that I ask the question. I then… surprise, surprise…. would expect guests to actually… ANSWER IT! I would NOT allow them to spin their bullshit or evade the question or just make up crap. And my twist on why I’d be a perfect host on an honest show?

If and when they DON’T simply answer the question, boom. THEIR MIC IS TURNED OFF. F you. You’re here to answer whatever I ask and if you don’t, sorry. You’re screwed. (and yes… mic IS the accepted spelling)

What a concept. I ask. You give a truthful answer.

Thus, when they don’t… I would then alert the lying pundit their mic has been shut off because they are not adhering to the rules. But... given I am a benevolent hostess afterall… if they would like one last chance, then okay. They may get it. BUT…

If they choose to once again evade the specific question, then this time, not only is their mic cut off, but so is the camera. BINGO. YOU’RE DONE. I HAD YOU HERE TO ANSWER POLITICALLY BASED QUESTIONS FOR OUR VIEWERS BUT SINCE YOU DECIDED TO MERELY LIE AND FORGET ABOUT ANSWERING HONESTLY, THEN TO HELL WITH YOU. YOU’RE SO OUTTA HERE. BYE! Go do your spinning on some other show.

Whammo. I move on to my next guest, reminding them of what happened to the last one and that they are not there to simply hear themselves speak. I can’t beLIEVE how current shows fall into the non-answer answer trap over and over again. IT’S INFURIATING to me. Seriously. Every truth has been deemed FAKE NEWS and for it continue is an offense to everyone!

Granted… it could be hard to find folks willing to be on ANSWER THE QUESTION! but that’s where my producers come in. Gather the names of reliable political people who understand what it means to give accurate information to the public and BOOK THEM! For once in our lives… I want to view a show where we don’t allow spin and don’t allow promoting the agenda of the guests. It’s MY job to set the agenda. Not theirs.

Can you even imagine what a turn around this could be for our country? You turn on your TV... maybe I’ll come on right after Rachel Maddow… and bring REAL answers to our citizens! I am so damn tired of what we get from our government leadership… oops… I mean the Republicans…  and I bet the rest of my countrymen are pissed, as well. Oh man. I also bet Sean Hannity would be shaking in his boots once I get guests with integrity and courage to speak the truth.

WHAT? THERE IS A POLITICAL TALK SHOW WHERE THEY ACTUALLY TALK?? AND… EDUCATE EVERYONE WITHOUT FALSE AND MISLEADING INFORMATION? BECAUSE IF NOT, THEIR MIKE IS CUT OFF?? Wow. Sean wouldn’t even beLIEVE there could be such ethical conversation going on! Oh… I’ll be pressing for truth, alright. Maybe I’ll even win an Emmy for creating such a novel idea in political talk.

Another idea I have talked about in the past is one that I KNOW people will flip their lids about, but I don’t care. Yes… I know it’s radical and totally illegal, but I sort of think our current political life warrants it. My voting idea? Hang on to your hats, folks:

I would LOVE to mandate that any voter who has not graduated  high school with at least a C- average uh… automatically becomes ineligible to vote! DON’T YELL AT ME. I know… it’s VERY prejudicial but I don’t care.

WE SIMPLY CANNOT CONTINUE HAVING IDIOTS VOTING WHEREBY WE ARE THEN STUCK WITH VILE, DESTUCTIVE LEADERSHIP IN AMERICA.

Hmmm… do I need to even remind you of the 2016 election? When idiots came out in droves, thinking the guy who couldn’t even pass an 8th grade Civics class should lo and behold suddenly become President? THOSE voters actually thought his priority would be the welfare of our country! He would protect all citizens in everyway possible! There is no way 50% of those voters graduated with a 1.5 or above. Let alone a 4.0 Don’t even get me started on their acceptance into college. I want clear thinking, educated voters to elect my President. Not cult seeking knuckleheads. 

Now... got get me wrong. I'm not saying higher education is for everyone or that it is required for being an intelligent minded person. But whoa. There were too damn many voters who simply went along with the rally mentality, believing every damn lie they were told by their incompetent Mad King D.T. Nor am I saying voting Republican is an automatic sign of stupidity although it does give me a moments pause. But to vote for his RE-ELECTION??? Geez... where’s Tim Russet when I need him most?

So there you have it. ANSWER THE QUESTION! The first talk show where political figures have honest, moral, and ethical answers to my questions. And who hopefully… will encourage voters to educate themselves fully about each candidate. If not… then who needs them? CUT THE MIC.

Really. It that too much to ask? Answer the question, please.


Saturday, November 28, 2020

MY PERSONAL TOP TEN LIST

 


If I actually had something to say, I suspect this entry would be way better. But the fact of the matter is: I have absolutely nothing of any interest to ANYone about which to write. In fact, the only reason I sat down here at the computer is to calm down while I await my guests for Thanksgiving dinner. Which is interesting only because this is the first time in about 15 years that I have even made Thanksgiving dinner.

Normally I take about a dozen of my favorite people to the country club for their FANtastic buffet dinner and believe you me…. I WISHED I WERE THERE RIGHT NOW. But of course I can’t be. First of all, there is no way I am going to do major indoor dining due to the pandemic. Second of all, they can no longer even offer a buffet style meal… again, due to the pandemic. You have no idea how crushed I am about this. Buffets are my all time favorite way to dine since I totally love having a mere taste of everything… not just one actual entree’. Of course the mere tastes totally could wind up feeding a family of 4 in no time. Plus… I can’t even go to the quarterly seafood buffet because that too, has gone down the drain because of covid and THAT was totally my all time favorite.  

Anyway… my table is set, very low key table scaping I might add, but it looks pretty enough. My food is in the over, my hors d'oeuvres are out and my champagne is ready to be opened. All in all, I think dinner is going to be pretty delicious. YAY THANKSGIVING.

To also help to calm my pre dinner nerves, I directed Alexa to play Fats Domino so I can hear him throughout my entire house. This delights me to no end. Naturally, I’m going to have to tone down the music considerably once everyone is here. Something like the Rolling Stones, maybe?? Now THERE’S dinner music if ever there was. 

But for now, I can dance all around the house, feeling happy as a little lark looking forward to seeing everyone. And when I say everyone, I mean: 6. That's all I'll allow in the house at a time. In fact, last weekend I had my son order a thermometer gun for me just for this occasion, so I could aim it at their forehead and test everyone's temp as they enter... just like they do in doctor's offices. I so love this toy. Oops. I mean medical equipment. In the meantime...

While I was working in the kitchen… all day, I might add, save the hour I took for a happy little nap…  I was thinking about all my favorite things in life. Notice I wasn’t thinking about  things for which I’m grateful, which would have been way more apropos, but who cares. Instead, I was thinking about what made me happy and I decided what the hell…  I might as well share my Top Ten Favs with you. Therefore, in no particular order, here are some of the items I came up with for my list:

FAV 1. Being kissed by someone who actually knows HOW to kiss. I mean the kind that envelops every one of your sensual and/or sexual senses. I needn’t go into details…but very few have had the chance to enjoy this sort of kiss because most men just don't know how to REALLY kiss. Trust me on this... I've kissed many men in my life and while some just out and out sucked, most men merely kiss adequately. However, lucky me, for I totally HAVE had a gentleman kiss me the way a woman craves and it brought me to my knees each and every damn time. Thank you He, Who Shall Remain Nameless!

FAV 2. Driving a Cadillac sedan, which is the one car I’ve driven more than any other make I’ve ever owned. In fact, I took my driving test at age 16 with a '63 Cadillac Sedan DeVille and therefore, boy! Can I ever parallel park! I downsized a few years ago, but I am fantasizing of buying one last Cadillac once I pass my drivers license renewal test in May. IF I pass. I am so praying my eye sight can read those crappy tiny little baby signs they show me. Really... I can barely see them! Talk about a rigged test. 

FAV 3. THE all time best song to dance to: CLICK HERE THIS VERY MINUTE! And... turn the volume up to 110! OMG. You have no idea how sexy this music is. The sensuality of the rolling rhythm knocks the fucking socks off my feet. Dancing to it raises my happiness level to no end. And if I played this song 100 times in a row, I'd never tire of it! Seriously. If you are dancing with me to this... I will fall in love with you immediately. Sort of. You SING THIS TO ME WHILE PLAYING THE PIANO... I will fall in love with you definitely. Forever. For you'd be my kind of guy, hands down.

FAV 4. Food. I love to eat. Everything and almost anything. Very little explanation needed here.

FAV 5. Laughing. Especially with my son. He’s got a keen sense of humor much like myself. Naturally, I laugh as much at top seasoned comedians as I do at low brow folks whose minds are in the gutter. I’m apparently an equal opportunity kinda gal. One of the funniest things my kid ever did for me btw, was a routine he made up in the car one day. It was a sort of thing whereby he pretended he was a Latino professor of English as a Second Language, but he was teaching his supposed class with not only a Spanish accent, but also with a lisp the entire time. OMG. If only you could have heard him. I nearly drove off the road. Now that I think about it, I bet he was high on weed. 

FAV 6. DEFintely my desktop. I couldn’t live without it nor without all my software programs. I’ve mastered many programs throughout the years and I don’t even know if I could choose one favorite. Wait… oh yes I can. My picture editing software. 

FAV 7. PRESENTS! I totally love getting gifts and/or money. And… if the presents are a surprise from right out of the blue, all the better. I have a whole routine going down when I open a present, btw. I close my eyes, unwrap the gift, take it out of it's packaging if there is any, and then hold up the gift right in front of me and BINGO. I OPEN MY EYES WITH MAJOR EXCITEMENT. I'm telling you... any little present does the trick.

FAV 8. Live concerts! Geez… I’ve been to so many and have loved every one of them. Talk about being easily amused. My first was when I was 14 and my brother took me to a traveling Top 40 doo-wop concert which excited me to no end. Chubby Checker doing the twist was fantastic. When Freddie Cannon sang Palisades Park I popped right up and began dancing and singing immediately! What a night for a young, impressionable girl. When I was in high school my uncle got me tickets to the Ed Sullivan show in Miami Beach and who was the headliner? The Beatles! And while I LOVED Billy Joel, Tina Turner, Rod Stewart, Cher, etc. etc,. NO one excited me more than Elton John, whom I’ve seen several times. Oh wait. I bet Elvis might come first. It’s a major toss up alright, but both lit up my night like never before. 

FAV 9. Extra large sized pieces of statement jewelry. I don’t do small, dainty looks. In my book, that's for 12 year old little girls. Which is where my top of the line faux jewelry comes in. Big and bold and boom. You’ll notice me alright. I’m the one whom people will remember and about whom someone will whisper into another's ear: Holy Shit. Did you SEE what she has on? Oh... they may imply I looked way over the top, but it just goes to show they have no fashion sense whatsoever. Life Lesson: BIGGER IS BETTER. Just ask Iris Apfel. Now THERE'S someone who knows fashion.  

FAV 10. My Google Pixel 2XL cell phone. Man. I just can't say enough about it. BEST PHONE EVER. The screen is large. The camera is the best money can buy. YOU can keep your iPhone. I'm going with this one, every time. In fact, just yesterday I called Verizon to upgrade because of Black Friday sales. I got all the info I needed and maybe today will be the day of the new purchase! Am definitely pretty psyched.

And there you have it, folks. My Personal Top Ten favorites. There may be more but there's just so much I include here. Like how much do I love GOOGLE. What an invention! I also love when my lawn is newly mowed. Or when snow is falling right smack in front of your eyeballs. Or kissing a year old baby. Oh well, ten is all I need right now. And, btw...

My next post could very well be: MY TOP TEN LIST OF 2020. You already know my Number One. HE'S GONE! Now there's something for which to give thanks.

 


Wednesday, November 25, 2020

THE CARNIVAL

 


Whoa. Did I ever have a crazy night last Sunday. It was so bizarre I can’t even believe it. Actually, I was scared!

So it was basically day 2 of the entire world beginning to once again hoard toilet paper and paper towel. Which as you know, not having PLENTY OF EACH ITEM is the biggest fear of my life. Well… next to plane turbulence, not finding a bathroom in time, rape and robbery, and driving on an interstate. And, if it happens to be raining on the interstate… then just shoot me altogether. However…

There I was on Sunday evening, doing chores around the house and then I said to myself: what the hell. It’s still only 7:30 so why not make a quick run to the grocery store and begin my own sort of paper product hoarding. Again.

I looked like hell, but I was totally counting on everyone being at home watching 60 Minutes, thus I decided I’d be safe from people looking at me as if I was one of those creepy folks you see in Walmart photos. God forbid. Turns out however, it didn’t even matter. Want to guess why? 

I’ll TELL you why. As it happened, I put the dog in his bed, I grabbed my purse, set the alarm system, walked out the door, hopped into the car, pressed the start button and THEN….

THE CARNIVAL BEGAN! ALL OF A SUDDEN EVERY LIGHT INSIDE AND OUTSIDE THE CAR BEGAN BLINKING QUICKLY, NOISES FROM THE DASHBOARD WERE BEEPING ALL OVER THE PLACE, EVERY ICON WAS BLAZING INFO AND NOTHING BUT NOTHING WOULD STOP ANY OF THE CRAZINESS GOING ON! Holy shit.

WTF IS HAPPENING???

Seriously. I thought I was in some sort of a glittering ride at a carnival and there was no way whatsoever to get off. So to speak. Oh man. Never in my 56 years of driving have I ever experienced such auto confusion and mal-functioning. I was DIZZY from just sitting in the driver’s seat. And… it went on and on and on. Frankly, I was beginning to think the car was going to EXLODE right there in the garage. Oh my God. It was beyond belief. 

Okay. So at this point I am trying to think straight without fainting altogether. I immediately grabbed my cell phone and began videotaping what was happening and sent it to my son. HELP. WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE WITH THE CAR?? No response. He was still at work, damnit. Soooo… next thing I do is send the video to a friend of mine with the same message. I was totally frantic, trust me.

My friend right away said WANT ME TO COME OVER?? To which I said… YES. YES. YES. RIGHT THIS VERY MINUTE. PLEASE. MY WORLD IS GOING KAFLUEY AS WE SPEAK. AND… IF I AM IN FLAMES WHEN YOU GET HERE, CALL EVERYONE I KNOW AND TELL THEM I WILL MISS THEM. FAMILY ONLY, GRAVESIDE FUNERAL. SEE YOU IN A SEC. THANKS!!!

Sure enough within 6 minutes my friend arrives and then HE sees what’s going on. Naturally, he’s calm and cool, asks for the key fob, and the owner’s manual and sits in the car. I told him to search the index for: WHEN CAR IS WORKING ON IT’S OWN, ACTING CRAZY AND IS THIS FAR FROM EXPLOSION. Unfortunately, there was no such word match in the manual listings. Anyway….

Okay. The car’s computer was taking over and the battery EVENTUALLY just begins to die a slow death which of course ends the carnival activity. LIGHTS OUT, FOLKS. NOTHING MORE TO SEE HERE. MOVE ON. PARTY’S OVER.

There goes the car. There goes my toilet paper. There goes my innocent evening outing. Well… except that my friend then said: HOP IN MY CAR. I HAVE TO GO TO THE GROCERY STORE ANYWAY, SO I’LL TAKE YOU AND BRING YOU BACK. Of course I then said to him… BTW. I’M BUYING TWO PACKS OF TOILET TISSUE FOR ME AND TWO FOR YOU, BUT YOU’RE NOT KEEPING YOURS. YOU’RE GIVING THEM TO ME SINCE YOU ONLY NEED IT 50% OF THE TIME. ME? I NEED IT 100%.

Which brings me to the next morning. 

Whew. By then, I’m behaving like a sane person once again. YAY ME. I called the dealer, spoke to my favorite guy in the service dept. and told him my story to which he said not to worry, was probably due to a dead battery making a mess of the computer system. Then I called AAA and they came over, jump started me and before you could say holy ba holy I was pulling into the dealer’s service lane. I could go on an on, but the details don’t matter much. What DOES matter is the next part of this fiasco.

So now… it’s about a 1:30 and I still hadn’t eaten. I could tell my blood sugar was going to drop so I asked Zac, the service guy: uh, while you’re working on the car, is there anywhere I could go to grab a sandwich? I’m starved! Zac points to a street light right up the street,.. not TOO far and tells me there is Burger King right there. I contemplate the walk and figure okay. I can totally do it. Maybe. Would be good exercise, in any case. So off I go.

RIGHT SMACK INTO A SARAHA WIND STORM, I MIGHT ADD. OMG. THE TEMPERATURE IS LIKE 4O DEGREES AND GUSTS ARE LIKE 22 MPH AND I’M TRUDGING ALONG TO A F’ING BURGER KING.

Don’t even ask. I can’t believe I made it there, but I did. I was the only one in the place and I made a snap decision to order: a whopper with cheese (cut in half), french fries, a small chocolate shake and a diet coke. HEY, DON’T JUDGE ME. I’VE JUST HAD A NIGHT FROM HELL, THEN A DAY FILLED WITH STRESS, AND... AN EXPEDITION THROUGH THE SAHARA WINDS. I totally deserve a boatload of hard core junk food to soothe my sweet, sensitive, delicate soul. Uh… mission accomplished.

Okay. I get my order and begin with the allowed 5 spoonful bites of the thick shake and decide that’s all I really need to quench the ice cream beast in me. I move on into my fries, already feeling the day will be fine. I’ve eaten about a third of my Whopper and what do I see but a couple… about 30, with no masks… ordering a huge amount of food and… who could SO be one of those people I was talking about in Walmart snapshots at 3:00 in the morning. Plus, they both are a bit... opps, I mean a lot... unkempt for my taste, and their figures tell me they eat at this place 5 days a week. Then… when they sit down to their smorgasbord…  

MY RADAR GOES OFF. I have to get the hell out of this place immediately!

Which I do. I begin packing up my burger and fries, put the lid on my Diet Coke, throw out the basically full cup of chocolate shake and high tail it out of there within seconds. I could SO catch covid from this couple. Which worked out just as well actually, given my immediate stomach ache from all this junk would probably kick right in on my way back to the dealer. Which only means:

I’D BE IN THE  MIDDLE OF A WIND STORM ALL OVER AGAIN, IN A HUGE PLOT OF OPEN LAND RIGHT OFF A BUSY STREET AND THERE WOULD BE NO BATHEROOM IN SIGHT, EVER! Talk about shoot me now. In any case….

You would think my story ends here. But not really.

Suffice it to say I made it back to the dealership (used the ladies’ room there, of course) got a new battery at no cost and put my exhausted body back into my car to head home. NOW MY MIND IS THINKING. Hmmm… I’m passing two grocery stores on the way home. WHY NOT JUST HOARD PAPER PRODUCTS ONCE AGAIN WHILE I’M OUT AND ABOUT ANYWAY?? Decision made. Two stops later…

Mission accomplished. I’ve got my car working fine again and I’ve got  4 packs of Charmin toilet paper and 4 rolls of Bounty paper towels! Oh Jesus. I AM becoming one of the blue haired old ladies who cause trouble when out in public. JUST LET ME HAVE MY PAPER GOODS, GOD DAMNIT! I PROMISE. AFTERWARDS, I’LL BEHAVE LIKE A POLITE, WELL BRED LADY LICKETY SPLIT.

So... NOW is the end of my story. Carnival, check. Car, check. Lunch, check. Paper hoarding, check. Thus... all’s well that ends well which in fact, it did.

Just a note all you juniors out there btw… living as a senior citizen is no easy feat. I’m perfect living proof… so be sweet to people like me. For your turn will come before you even know it. You’ll have no clue what current music is on the charts anymore. You’ll never be able to find anything you just had in your hand. You will swear at every techie device known to man because you’ll have no idea of all the ins and outs of how it works. You'll totally forget names of people you’ve worked with for years. You will pee 14 times a day. And... your kids will be WAY smarter than you.

Talk about a carnival in your head, alright.

.

 


Sunday, November 22, 2020

POSITIVELY CRAZY

I just don’t get it. But the Trump family gets it in spades.

Uh… exactly what is it they get? Oh man. They test positive and sure enough, at one time or another, they're allll contracting covid 19! And tons of their co-workers, too. 

Trump, Melania. Barron. Don Jr. Jr’s girlfriend. Mark Meadows. Senators galore. Kellyanne. Lewandowski. Hope Hicks. Secret Service employees. And on and on. What I can't figure out is...

WHY AREN’T AT LEAST ONE THEM DEAD ALREADY?? 

Or in a hospital. Or on a ventilator. Or having SOMETHING seriously and/or dangerously horrible affecting their health? Honestly. I don't get it. Man. Are THEY ever beating the odds! 

Granted… Trump was in Walter Reed… but bingo. 3 days later he’s out, feeling spiffy as hell. Everyone else is basically quarantining and just sitting at home, waiting a week and then boom. They too, are out of the house as if nothing on the entire planet is killing people like flies. WHY ARE ALL THE TRUMPS ABLE TO FEND OFF THIS VIRUS, ANYWAY?? Are they supernatural or something? How the fuck are they still functioning? ALL of them.

Seriously. Not even one out ten people in the White House, where the virus is kind of bringing down all the staff day in and day out, is in the hospital. Okay. Chris Christie was, but still. This deadly disease is like a mere common cold to all the rest of them. It’s just such a major mystery to me and a mystery I don’t think anyone will ever be able to solve to my satisfaction.

Believe me… I am SCARED AS HELL I might contract this deal. I’d be dead in a week. Trump and his cronies however? A little headache and next thing you know they are back at the office spreading it to everyone around the White House, yet never is even one of them really, REALLY sick. It simply defies my imagination.  

They wear no masks. The hang out in groups of hundreds and even when the Trumps spread the disease to everyone they know… even THOSE PEOPLE don’t wind up in intensive care. Are they all taking hydroxychloroquine and it’s working??? They are dinking Clorox?  Man. Have I ever got to get an appointment with their doctors. SOMETHING’S working for the hordes of people around Trump, keeping them all alive.

I, of course would never make it. I contract covid? Boom. I’m not breathing and the next thing you know, I’m reminding my kid in which drawer my Will and Trust can be found. Because believe you me, there is no way I’m coming out of it. My anxiety about even having covid in the FIRST place, would do me in. Besides… it’s practically winter and each year between now and spring, I always have some sort of respiratory situation pop up. Normally an inhaler takes care of it licktety split but during this pandemic? Oh man. Get me into the ICU immediately.

Oh yeah… even Andrew, Giuliani's son, tested positive!! How much you want to bet he’ll be in the house in a couple of days and then bingo. He too, is back out on the streets. Whatever magical water the Trumps are drinking to snap them right back to perfect health is the water I want! I’m sure it will be shared with Andrew, too, btw. Talk about the benefits of knowing people in high places. Oh yeah… speaking of Giuliani…

How much do I love that Rudy was oozing hair dye all down his face during his news conference?? Whoa. Was THAT ever hilarious. I can’t even imagine who his hairdresser must be. Some sources claim it wasn’t from his hair but instead, from his sideburns which were dyed to match his hair color but it doesn’t make any difference to me. WhomEVER it was should be fired immediately. Boy did he ever look like a friggin fool. Right smack in front of the entire world, no less. THANK YOU RUDY FOR ONE THE ALL TIME FUNNIEST PHOTOS EVER. Does NO one on his team pull him aside and say UH… SIR. YOU LOOK LIKE A COMPLETE ASSHOLE RIGHT NOW, SO COULD YOU STEP OVER TO THE SIDELINE FOR A SECOND? WE TOTALLY NEED TO WIPE YOU DOWN. Happily enough, everyone just let him keep going as all of us watched him begin to almost turn into a vampire of sorts. THANK YOU TEAM RUDY.   

And btw… how is it HE hasn’t contracted covid?? Rudy is all OVER the place inside the White House. I just can’t get over it. In the meantime, had Ivanka tested positive, Trump would be apoplectic. But Don Jr.? Hey… no big deal. In fact, just last night a friend and I were mocking the disgusting way Trump practically drools over his daughter with sheer lust in his eyes. Both Ivana and Melania totally have major competition going on there.

I can only hope the lot of them are carted off to jail or forced to pay zillions in fines for all their criminal financial activities. Actually that family had better NOT quarantine for Thanksgiving this year. Because NEXT year they could so be in the big house. If only. Besides… why miss out on another opportunity for community spread throughout the entire family all at one meal? That sort of practice is way up their alley.

And speaking of  Thanksgiving…  what am I most thankful for this year?? TAKE ONE GUESS. For indeed, there is just one and only one answer: 'F’ING TRUMP IS OUT ON HIS ASS. And yes… I am forever grateful for my kid, my loved ones, my health, yada yada yada. But even that can’t override my glee at seeing Donald FIRED. You can be sure January 20th can't come fast enough for me.

And with that... Happy Thanksgiving to everyone. May you enjoy the holiday with loved ones, whether via phone, zoom or gulp… in person. Most importantly... I hope none of you or your loved ones test positive. Ever. Even if you DO figure out how the Trumps just breeze through this disease. For trust me... I bet YOU won't. And... as long as we're betting here... who out there thinks Trump was just faking his sickness after all? Never say never.

Oh wait... one last thing. WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO GIVING THANKSGIVING IT'S PROPER DUE, ANYWAY??? The holiday hasn't even yet ARRIVED but all over the city, Xmas lights are all lit up like there's no tomorrow! Seriously... people are just jumping right smack over Thursday's celebration and moving right into Santa Claus and all his reindeer? Man. Talk about a major scam for Tom Turkey. Want proof?

Here... take a look below for a shot of my neighbor's house across the street. It's nuts. They're already all decked out! Plus... every year they are this close to becoming another Disney World with all their lights and decorations. Believe me, this is just day one of what they'll put up later in the week. See the window just above the front door? That's where their sparkly, all lit up snowman goes each year. And basically it stays there until Valentine's day. Just wait until the blow up reindeer, sleigh, etc. come out. Boy. Talk about not being able to wait until 2020 is over. 

On the other hand... who can even blame them?  


    

Saturday, November 14, 2020

I'M KIND OF FAMOUS...

Many people think that maybe I'm a talented sort of a gal and they wouldn't be all that wrong. Of course my best talent is one which I could never discuss but never you mind. That's a discussion reserved for a precious few.

I’m often told, shocking as it may seem, that I’ve got artistic talent, writing talent, even comical talent. Even as a teacher for 20 years, my principal thought I had a wonderful talent for instilling confidence in young children. Talk about fooling some of the people some of the time!

The fact is… I’m NOT really all that talented in the least. Instead, what I am, is a very calculated risk taker. I’ll try anything that I’m comfortable with… barring anything dealing with physical danger that is... and if it flops, then so be it. Case in point: would I ever do ziplining?? HELL NO. But… would I paint ceramics? Absolutely. And, I’ve done so. Didn’t EVERYone in the late 90s?? I’ve also sold many knitted scarves for $125 a clip when my cost was a measly $8 for yarn, and trust me. They were BEAUTIFUL. I created designs others found simply outstanding. Fuck macramé. These were far more superior than those hanging baskets crap. 

In the meantime, one of my all time very favorite things to do is photography. I took my first class in the early 80s at a local art museum in Miami. Turns out it was taught by someone with whom I went to high school, btw. Now SHE was an artist! My sister and I went each week and learned about taking and developing photographs. I even once won an award in a show sponsored by one of the largest department stores in the city. It was a shot of my 2 step children… about 2 and 5… sitting on a window sill in their pajamas leaning in to give each other a kiss. Man, I loved that picture.

Anyway, I took a couple of 6 week courses at the museum and then naturally decided THAT’S IT. THAT’S ALL THE CLASSES I NEED. I’M NOW PRACTICALLY A PROFESSIONAL SO THANKS FOR THE LESSONS BUT I’M READY TO MOVE ON. BYE! Besides… I totally hate black and white photography, which is a death sentence for anyone wanting to pursue this area of art. Me? I want color and I want bold.

Plus… I had a fancy schmancy camera, way before the days of digital cameras I might add, with all the attachments and lenses. I had to set the aperture, the exposure, the distance, the lighting, God knows what. I had to buy rolls and rolls of film and then run it up to the local camera store to have it all developed. My darkroom days were OVER. Therefore… how much did I love the point and shoot digital cameras of the early 2000s! The all time BEST camera ever, btw, is now… sitting down??… my CELL PHONE CAMERA! Which is why it’s the only model I’ll EVER buy. That bullshit that Annie Leibovitz goes in for is so not my style. Fast, easy, upload is totally my avenue of choice. Take a picture? Boom. Send it to the cloud. Download it to my desktop application. Saved forever. Done, done, done and done.

Actually my greatest joy is editing my pictures. I could spend HOURS and HOURS passing time with my editing software, enhancing photos and languishing in sheer pleasure. I try to do this daily and the longer it takes, the happier I am. You hate the person standing next to you in a picture? Bingo. I can remove them from the shot in no time. I can even replace them with someone else altogether. The color of someone’s shirt is way off? Whammo. All of a sudden you now have a true navy and bright white. Which brings me to…

My other love… painting. And by that I mean: a total kindergarten level of painting. Seriously. I’ll put my work up against ANY five year old any time you want! Even then, I might not even come out ahead. But… that doesn’t detract me in the least. I hate the painting? No problem. DITCH IT. Easy as that. Or, just paint over it. Most of my paintings I actually hate. OTHERS like them, but I know way better that they suck. So, with all this in mind ENTER: my artistic fame.

Turns out that Panama City in Florida had an art show recently and I was asked by a friend to enter my work. When first they asked, I said WHAT? ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR F’ING MIND?? THERE IS NO WAY WHATSOEVER MY WORK SHOULD BE SEEN BY STRANGERS! IT’S TOTALLY MICKEY MOUSE CALLIBER. They disagreed. Besides, it was part of a comeback for the city, given it’s now been 2 years since Hurricane Michael destroyed the entire town. Bottom line: Okay. I relented and agreed to upload my kindergarten level work. Which was a feat all onto itself, I don’t mind telling you. Don’t ask. Here is what WAS so cool about it, though.

The show was the largest projection art in the Southeast, entitled: PUBLIC EYE SOAR. Due to covid, I guess… the 2 day show was at night and all the artwork was projected onto huge walls allowing zillions of cars to drive right smack though the grounds, enjoying all KINDS of artwork! While I was in no way going to travel down to Florida to see the art show in person, I would have loved to, believe me. I had to name my entries, which I did, LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL, and of course my own name was listed on programs each car was given. The show was a huge success and I was happy to be a part of it. YAY FAME.

So are you ready? Want a clue as to what sort of art work I submitted? And that they displayed on the walls? Okay then. Get comfy and grab a drink. THEN, if you wish, you can totally offer me $100,000 for any piece you desire. Oh man. IF ONLY! Enjoy. And oh yeah... please don't laugh. 







































Friday, November 13, 2020

I BROKE THE LAW


Well… not the REAL law, but still… the law of most senior citizens whereby they use their brains, always wear a mask, stay very close to home as much as possible and most importantly…. DO NOT DINE INSIDE A RESTAURANT. I mean really. I look at these a**holes all OVER the country who are out and about, carrying on as if there is no pandemic and of course, infecting as many people as they possibly can as if they were getting paid for it. WHAT TOTAL IDIOTS.

Uh.. guess what. I broke the Law of Pandemics and became one of those idiots this week. I couldn’t help it! 8 damn months of spending so much time at home and I was ready to shoot myself. Granted… several months ago I began hanging with friends outdoors, and also dining outdoors. I even began hanging out with a small group of friends both in their homes and mine. BUT… I have been very discriminating and pretty damn careful.

Of course the ironic thing is: pre-pandemic I hated going out to do errands, leave my house all day long, continually meeting up with friends in all sorts of happy venues for all sorts of happy reasons. Then boom. The pandemic hits and all of a sudden, I can't get out of here fast enough. Go figure. I AM abiding by my beloved rule however, which means I still try to manage my time so that I'm out only between the hours of noon and three. By three, I’m totally ready to get back home for my daily afternoon nap. WHAT? COMPROMISE MY BEAUTY SLEEP? HOW ELSE CAN AN OLD LADY CONTINUE TO LOOK SOMEWHAT HALF DECENT? Besides, by that time I've already been up for a good five hours thus am so ready for a recharge. Anyway…

Back to my criminal activity. Prior to March I bet I dined out 4 times a week... lunch and/or dinner. Since March however, that schedule has been cut WAY back given even I see the value of not dying due to food. And, as I said, I’ve done outside dining only. Enter: illegal behavior. 

I caved. A few days ago I went to lunch and actually dined INside a restaurant! I am sooo ashamed I did this… but uh… I could easily do it again. Mind you, this did not occur without my first giving it great thought. I mulled it over and over in my head for weeks and decided the ONLY place I would consider being inside is the luncheon dining room at the country club which just happens to have opened last week. I haven’t even gone to the main dining room for a fancy schmancy dinner since lock down. Besides… no one would join me anyway, given they are pretty much into staying alive. I HAVE picked up curb side dinners once in a while, but still. Never dined indoors. Soooo….

Okay. I thought things over and felt pretty confident I could do lunch at the country club. They are totally on top of doing everything they can to keep the restaurant safe. Who needs lawsuits, right? All waitstaff are masked, all tables and eating utensils are cleaned over and over, and of course, seating is properly distanced. And most importantly, the monthly newsletters have never once mentioned a member contracting covid from dining in their club. WHAT? THEY COULD POSSIBLY OMIT SUCH INFO?? REALLY?? Oops. I think I’ll just go with: what I don’t know won’t hurt me. Which is exactly why I never went through my son’s drawers or closets when he was in high school. Why find something and ruin my day by having a heart attack right smack on the spot. Plus... I just happened to have spoken to my pharmacist that morning and asked him if HE had lunch at the club yet. His answer: I WENT JUST THIS WEEK! Whoa. Now there's an endorsement if ever I heard.

So bingo…I was out doing all sorts of errands one day this week and decided TODAY’S THE DAY. I’LL TAKE THE PLUNGE AND RISK MY LIFE FOR A CHEESEBURGER AND FRENCH FRIES! Which on it’s own is not an entirely bad way to go. No wonder. Take a look at my order! Sheer heaven, to be sure.

Btw… this could have easily been one my other favorites: a BLT or fried fish sandwich or maybe even a cobb salad, for times when I want to “watch calories”.  Which is pretty rare given I could watch what I’m eating when at home. Out? I totally go with whatever I’m not cooking myself. Anyway… TALK ABOUT MISSION ACCOMPLISHED. Sooooo delicious!! And… a huge portion, too. Here... this is the after shot. YIPPEE. ENOUGH FOR DINNER, AS WELL. Naturally, the fries were the first to go.

Man. What a greeting I got from everyone, too! I felt like I was back in high school seeing everyone after a summer vacation. Apparently they were THRILLED I decided to break the law! Naturally, my first question was: AM I GOING TO DIE BECAUSE I’M EATING HERE??? Both Melissa and Jasmin promised me there was no problem at all. Famous last words, right? Besides most of the staff are probably in their late 30s so what the fuck do they know? They’re probably running around hanging out in bars all night long during their free time. BUT… if they tell me I’m okay, then alright. I’ll kind of believe them.

I should also mention that since March I’ve probably lost about 6 pounds. Who wouldn’t given I’m usually cooking for myself. BUT… I can already see that’s probably not going to last too long if I continue to become an outlaw. On the other hand… I just now heard on TV that things are not going well at all as we enter the next few months. Which only means: I so better rethink my dining indoors, after all.

That’s the bad news. The good news is maybe I’ll become svelte, wearing black lycra body suits by losing even more weight. Who knows? I could become the hottest damn old lady one could ever envision! Of course the keyword here is: could. Which translates into: absolutely never going to happen. Damnit. Jeeze... looks like I'm back to my kitchen after all. 

Sunday, November 8, 2020

GOOD RIDDANCE


OMG. What can one even say other than thank God the poisoning of our nation is over. It’s been the most horrible four years for democracy I’ve seen in my lifetime and I pray it never ever occurs again. What Trump has done to this nation is unfathomable given he was on the verge of bringing it to it’s knees, thereby almost ensuring we could never recover. While many, many Americans still have no intelligence nor decency, as proven by their voting for Trump yet again, at least NOW we have a chance for reclaiming our country. Already you can hear the relief in my voice.

I cannot TELL you what the past five days have been like for me. I was scared shitless, I don’t mind saying. Which reminds me: GET RID OF THE POLLSTERS ALTOGETHER. They have no damn clue of what they speak. First I could breathe. Then I needed an Ativan. Then I had a glimmer of hope. Then I needed an Ativan all over again. It was up, down, up, down and that is SO not good for my 72 year old nerves. YOU’RE TRYING TO DRIVE ME CRAZY? WELL… GUESS WHAT. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED! I can’t even believe I weathered this storm. My emotional tossing and turning was way worse than I imagine any tornado could have caused. Well, almost worse, anyway. Just suffice it to say I was a wreck. Now however, I am pretty much grounded once again. Talk about thank God for small favors.

The last happy evening I had was on election night, when I had my quadrennial dinner party. It was absolutely DELICIOUS (my favorite was the garlic bread and Oreo Chocolate Pie) and the leftovers totally fed me for the next three days. I was in pretty high spirits… figuratively and literally. We all had a rollicking good time, practically sure the asshole was going to be booted out. Of course, as I mentioned, the next four days were about to send me to the funny farm, but all’s well that ends well.

The other happy thing, btw, is that during the very first debate, I began knitting. I decided it was a great way to not only begin using up some of  my 362 skeins of yarn, but it also served to keep me somewhat sane. I began with a pink color and here we are… the night the election was called for Biden… and boom. Want to guess how many cowl neck scarves I’m made so far? Think: EIGHT! That’s right. 8 scarves, several of which I’ve already worn. Here… take a look. I even began a brand new one just this evening given busy hands are happy hands. 

In the meantime… I am just so grateful for all the ballot counters who worked tirelessly to bring home the win for the Democrats. I don’t even know if they got paid, but regardless… they deserve $100,000 a year, for the rest of their life, just for putting in so many hours for such a good cause. And you know what? If by chance they had to cheat on the vote count to be sure Biden came out on top, then kudos to them. I could care less how we won. Am just glad we DID win. Actually… glad is not even the right word. Exhilarated would be better. THRILLED BEYOND FUCKING BELIEF would be best.

Which of course brings me to Trump, may he rest in hell. How does he get covid btw, and three days later is out running to rally after rally all OVER the damn place, anyway?? I’m pretty damn healthy and can’t even run three errands a day without collapsing. What sort of amphetamine is HE on? Now THAT is something I could use! I think my greatest excitement will come when I finally hear that Melania is kicking him out on his ass, much like the country has done. She’s a fool if she doesn’t. I’m also hoping that somewhere in her prenup, it says if she sticks by him while President, then she gets an extra $10,000,000 in the settlement. Unfortunately for her, he doesn't HAVE it, but it matters not at the moment.

Of course an even greater excitement for me… will be when the courts for the Southern District of New York begin hauling Trump in so he can hopefully spend the rest of his life in jail. Yeah… where’s Roy Cohn when Donald REALLY needs a lawyer? Okay. Granted. He’s dead, thus I pray Giuliani is the attorney of choice. Then for SURE Trump will be headed to the slammer. Wait. Maybe Rudy himself will be headed there as well. Talk about wishful thinking! In any case…

WELCOME BACK TO THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA! LAND OF THE FREE AND HOME OF THE BRAVE.

The world leaders have been calling Biden all day long congratulating him and THANKING HIM FOR RESCUING PEOPLE ALL OVER THE GLOBE ONCE AGAIN.  Oh, indeed. It’s a glorious thing to know that Trump, his idiot sidekick Pence, Barr, Javanka, Mark Meadows, the dumb blonde Kayleigh, the other dumb blonde Kellyanne… the other other dumb blonde DeVos… ALL OF THEM… are out of our government for GOOD. Where btw, has Ben Carson been the past four years?? Has he done ANYthing?? Jesus. He looks dead, even while living. Good riddance to them ALL.

In fact, I’d rehire Colonel Vindman at double his salary, including back pay, in a heartbeat. Lastly... get a load of this!


AIN'T THAT THE TRUTH! THANK YOU RUTH! IN GOD WE TRUST.




  


 

Friday, October 30, 2020

WELL... HERE WE GO...


 So is everyone holding onto their hats? Everyone is gathering their poisons of choice? Everyone is rounding up their supply of comfort food? God knows I am. And, have been for 4 miserable years.

This time 4 years ago I was feeling pretty damn good. Polls told me I should. Friends told me I should. Political pundits told me I should. THEY ALL FUCKING LIED. Talk about fool me once.

THIS time however, I’m totally prepared for THE biggest scam on earth, should Trump win yet again. What have I done to prepare? Easy.

I’ve gone through my entire wardrobe to decide what to take when I move out of the country, should it come to that. And, it absolutely CAN come to that. I’m also grabbing a boatload of cash so I can comfortably settle into some nice little apartment somewhere in the world where English is spoken. Boom. Clothing and cash. Who needs more? Of course you should only SEE the amount of clothes with which I travel. Rest assured I don’t pack lightly. Nor do I run from dictators lightly. 

For 4 years I have had to see Trump’s face and hear his voice on every medium known to man until I want to vomit. Seriously. You know how they say there should always be just a little mystery going down when first you meet someone? Just to keep their interest piqued a bit? Yeah. Well guess what. Trump never got that memo. He has no idea whatsoever what it’s like to hold back a bit. Instead, he slams you over and over and over again with not only his face and name all OVER the planet, but also, with his bullshit whether it be on TV, at a rally, tweeting on his phone (you just KNOW he has no clue how to use a real computer) and everywhere in between. 

Which is why I am trying to remain calm. Trying being the operative word. I was a MESS before the first debate and was even more of a mess while attempting to watch it. Ever since then, I’ve come back to earth just a little but boy am I ever ready to hit the looney bin if the election results keep him in office. 

Part of my calming therapy for every national Presidential election, is to have a dinner party on the night of the ballot counting. I need plenty of people around to keep me grounded. It used to be that I couldn’t care for whom my guests voted just as long as we got to enjoy good food and happy laughter before we went home and settled into our favorite chair to await the news. NOW however? You voted for Trump?? You so aren’t on my guest list. Nor will you probably be ever again. Of course the dinner guest list had to be cut way back this year because of the pandemic, but it will still work out fine.

Which brings me to the picture up above. See that table setting? IT’S FOR TUESDAY NIGHT. Yet another election night dinner! Just getting the table ready was helping me to relax. As I’ve mentioned many times before, I normally like to set the table a week ahead of time, but today I switched things up and did it only 5 days ahead. SEE? I AM CALM, AFTERALL. Besides, I’m nothing if not organized. Anyway…

Because I’m basically a lazy shit, I didn’t even give much thought about buying some sort of patriotic items for my table scaping. Again… being so calm, I just decided to go with flow and wing it. PROUD OF ME? Since when I do merely go with the flow when disaster could be right around the corner? In the meantime…

I got all finished laying out the table and then I thought: OOPS. NOW what the hell am I going to do to make this look like an election night dinner? I have nothing red, white or blue, whatsoever! Uh oh. This so can’t be good. I was already thinking I had better run to my desktop and open Amazon and begin ordering SOMEthing that might work. Instead…I went to my entertaining cupboard and lo and behold what do I see on the middle shelf?

YIPPEE –KI -AY ! I SEE 3 BAGS OF SILK ROSE PETALS - the kind you’d throw on the aisle preceding a bride, let’s say- AND WHADDYA KNOW. ONE BAG IS RED. ONE IS BLUE. AND ONE IS WHITE! Already I’m seeing signs of a Democratic victory. Oh man. If only. Then, exactly how long you think it took for me grab each bag of petals and sprinkle them all over my table top? Think: seconds. Not that it stopped me from buying a couple of tall colored foiled sprays from Amazon, mind you. Those should arrive on Sunday, so I’ll see whether or not it’ll work out, but still… I’ll have options. YAY TABLE SCAPING.

Now for the menu. I’m thinking of a hot dog and bean casserole, macaroni and cheese, a beef tenderloin, and a broccoli and pasta salad of sorts. Oh yeah. Then I’ll grab a bag of Ruffles and make some potato chip dip for an appetizer. Sounds American enough, right? I have a friend who already ordered an Oreo pie for dessert which I’ll serve with ice cream and check, check… check, check check. DONE.

Now THIS menu should care of my anxieties, alright. Any one of these items btw, will totally carry me through my munchies as I watch the broadcasters on TV eventually tell me whether I’ll be on cloud nine or ready to jump in front of a bus. All I know is…

If all these stupid Republican idiots re-elect Trump THAT’S IT. THE UNITED STATES AND ALL ITS INGENIOUS CONSTIUTIONAL GOVERNMENT IS GONE FOREVER. They will have put in office yet again, a despicable tyrant to dismantle all that our brilliant forefathers created and I shan’t take it lying down, that’s for sure. GOT MEDS, WILL TRAVEL. My ancestors already escaped one autocrat; now I have to, as well??? Oh shit. Indeed it will be hell on earth.

And I won’t need to prepare and enjoy another evening of an election night dinner ever again. Instead, I’ll be serving a Meal of Consolation for all time thereafter. Jeez. I'm soooo screwed.

     

Thursday, October 29, 2020

HALLOWEEN 2020

 


See that costume up above?? I cannot TELL you how much I love it. Oh man… talk about blingy. I particularly love the boa wrapped around my neck. And yes… this is me! So up my alley. And, it’s about TIME I got to wear this.

It’s been in my closet for about 6 years. I bought it for Monica and David’s annual Halloween party... a party that I loved going to each and every year. Wait. Time out. Let me go back a bit.

The picture below is from when I went as a Grande Dame in 2012. All jeweled up, like some fancy society lady. Best of all… talk about easy! I went to my closet, gathered my fascinator, my fur sweater and a couple of my most extravagant looking jewels and bingo. I put them on all at once. NOW do I look like Alva Vanderbilt of Newport? Or Mrs. Astor of New York? Granted… THEY were too much of a true lady to throw everything on all at one time, but my thinking is: go big or go home. Got it? Flaunt it! Which is why I’d probably be thrown out of Caroline Astor’s list of Four Hundred (a topic I’ll address at a later time) lickety split, due to my ostentatious approach to dressing up. But who cares. I’d have been just as happy to hang with other aristocratic, elite losers on the list of 401. Uh… maybe.

Now THIS picture below was from a year later when my costume was even easier. I put on a pretty black outfit and just threw on this mask. Talk about dressing with ease. I happen to still have a boatload of these half masks that you simply put on and WHOA. Do YOU ever look different!! Sometimes even freaky. Best of all… absolutely no one knows who the fuck you are. It sometimes borders on disturbing, actually. And, btw… I totally like costumes that will not impinge on my eating ability whatsoever. Forget mingling with the guests. BRING ON THE DINNER. And trust me… Monica can cook!

Okay… so this brings me to Halloween 2020. FINALLY. I GET TO WEAR THE WITCH'S HAT WITH ALL ITS SPARKLE AND BLING! Talk about a match made in heaven.

First I bought the hat. I was sooo intrigued by it’s glittering look. Then I looked around the same store and whammo. I noticed the mask. Check, check. And THEN I saw the boa and next thing you know… my costume is complete! Check, Check, CHECK. I was all ready for Monica and David’s party! Uh… except I wasn’t.

Turns out… if you can believe this… THE PARTY WAS CANCELLED THAT DAY! WHAT?? I CAN’T WEAR MY FAVORITE COSTUME? IS THIS A JOKE? Sadly, it wasn’t. However, the cancellation was totally the right call. I can’t remember: either there was heavy snow in the forecast for that night… or maybe just major thunderstorms. Some weather event, anyway. Whatever. It didn’t matter. There was no way anyone was going out that evening. Hence… for 6 years this has sat in my closet. UNTIL NOW that is.

I am going to an early Halloween dinner at a friend’s home tonight and care to guess what I’m wearing?? Bingo. My witch’s hat! And all its trimmings! Thank God I never threw it out in all these years. It’s going to look excellent. Especially since this could very well be the last time I’ll ever get to don this incredible attire. If anyone ever asks you what it means to be all faputzed… SHOW THEM THAT PHOTO. It captures the meaning exactly.

In fact, just a couple of days ago, someone asked me if I had my costume ready. DAMN RIGHT I DO! was my reply. She then told me she always looks forward to seeing whatever it is that I'll be wearing... and I trust this year will definitely not disappoint. But again… who cares? I’LL love it and that’s all that matters, right? I know. It’s apparently all about me, after all. I may even have to work on that, now that I think about it.

HELLO? DR. SHRINK? I THINK I MIGHT HAVE AN ISSUE I MAY NEED TO ADDRESS. OH?? IT’S PERFECTLY OKAY BEING A NARCISSIST? THANKS! KIND OF JUST WHAT I WAS THINKING. I APPRECIATE YOUR HELP. I’LL CALL YOU BACK AFTER THE ELECTION WHEN IN ALL PROBABILITY I’LL WANT TO JUMP OFF A CLIFF AFTER SLITITNG MY WRISTS. TALK YOU THEN.

Oh and btw… this year, Trick or Treaters coming to my door in THEIR costumes? Will be a total waste of time. First of all… their costumes will suck compared to mine and second of all… there is no way in hell I’m opening my door to hand out candy to complete strangers wanting to infect me with Covid 19. Oh I’m happy to celebrate this holiday. But I just don't want to die for it. Third of all… I’ll get to eat the candy MYSELF! Yay sugar overload.

POSTSCRIPT: Are you kidding me?? You will never believe this! Sitting down? I just found out: THE PARTY TONIGHT HAD TO BE CANCELLED! Again?? This costume is jinxed?? Oh man. We had VERY bad weather last night and power went out, trees were downed, etc. On the other hand... it'll be a go for tomorrow night, instead! I hope. 

DEAR HALLOWEEN GODS: PLEASE DON'T SCREW UP THIS DINNER DEAL AND THEREFORE PLEASE LET ME FINALLY WEAR MY WITCH'S HAT. I'VE BEEN PRETTY PATIENT SO FAR BUT THINGS COULD TOTALLY TURN BADLY IF I MISS MY CHANCE. AGAIN. Amen.