Wednesday, January 20, 2021

TATERS


Not that I WANT to… but I think I could probably survive were I to live in Russia. Besides, my body type probably resembles that of the hearty looking Russian peasant women so I would definitely fit in. More importantly however, I could probably be okay living there for one reason and one reason ONLY. Naturally, that reason… what a surprise… is because of their food!

Bear in mind… most Russian international foods I have never seen, let alone eaten. I don’t even know how to pronounce most of the dishes of Russia which totally means I have never ever cooked them. Nor have I ever eaten in a restaurant that features Russian food. There even ARE such places here? I have no clue. Uh… except the Russian Tea Room in NYC.

Now THERE’S a fantastic place to eat! The menu selections make my mouth water just reading the choices of entrees or appetizers or whatever. I’m not too sure about their desserts, though. On the other hand, if they have baked pastries with lots of dark chocolate in it, then I’m totally good to go. In the meantime…

I happen to love borscht. It’s a famous traditional food of Russia and is basically a soup made from red beets which could be served either hot or cold. I remember my Mother making it while I was growing up. I don’t think my brother or sister were too crazy about borscht, but my Dad and I loved it. It was always served cold, with delicious sour cream spooned into it and man, was it ever a delight for your taste buds. Besides… the pinkish color was a big draw for me. You go to Russia? Boom. You’ll eat PLENTY of borscht. Just forego the added sprig of dill if you ask me. 

Another thing you’ll eat plenty of… at least I know I would… is beef stroganoff. It’s a big deal in Russia and while many counties around the world have their own ways to prepare it, the Russian recipe is my favorite. In fact, the dish was apparently named after Count Stroganov who was totally from the upper class and supposedly, his French Chef created this for the Count, with strips of  sliced meat because the poor guy was getting old, thus his teeth were no longer up to snuff. I love eating this Russian dish and man. It's pretty easy to make. So up my alley.

To make beef stroganoff, you simply mix a good cut of meat, all sliced up and then browned, into a couple of cans of mushroom soup, sautéed onions and mushrooms and of course you add sour cream into the mix. Oh yeah… you throw in a bit of white wine and I’m so telling you, you’ll be in Russian heaven. THEN… you serve all this over wide noodles and wow. SO DAMN GOOD! Talk about a hearty meal. The flavors are incredible. I love this dish and in particular, I love the noodles! Thus… so far, my tummy is pretty happy in Russia. 

Of course the politics of the country would be a major draw back for me so I would totally need their food to counter balance my misery of living in the city, in a one bedroom apartment with all kinds of hidden bugs listening to my every conversation with a family of seven. Besides... living under a dictatorship is not my first choice for a fantastic life style. Or... 

I could maybe be living out in the country side, probably not even having indoor bathroom facilities, which could also make think twice about taking up residence in Russia. Not to mention I’d probably have to herd a team of oxen up the lanes and byways all day long. In BELOW FREEZING  TEMPERATURES no less. For six months of the year I might add. Yes, summers are probably about 45 degrees which tells me, now that I think about it: maybe I’d love the weather there, after all! Well… as long as I’m wearing my full length mink coat, that is. But I digress… 

It turns out I also love herring, caviar and vodka. MORE Russian staples. I’d have to cream the herring however, and I would totally need a great appetizer upon which I’d put the caviar. I'd also need a great tasting juice to mix into the vodka so I'm not flat on my ass within minutes. Which makes me wonder if peasants have easy access to these epicurean delights. 

I’m thinking that when you’re living in Siberia let's say, money is pretty tight. Uh oh. I am already beginning to smell complications for my gourmet tastes. But... people DO choose to live in Siberia in spite of the rough and tough life style it offers. It's kind of amazing when you think about it. HI HONEY. I WAS THINKING WE MIGHT CONSIDER MOVING TO HARSHEST PLACE ON EARTH TO BUY A HOUSE AND RAISE THE KIDS. THE BEARS ALWAYS ROAMING THE STREETS CAN'T BE THAT MUCH OF A PROBLEM, RIGHT?? Can you even imagine? The up side, I suspect, is that at least you'll always have nice, rosy cheeks! Probably streaked by bear claws, I bet. But whatever. Anyway…

The REAL reason I think I could gastronomically survive in Russia is… ready for this??… the fact that one of all time favorite foods is POTATOES! The country is a HUGE producer of potatoes and I have yet to meet a potato that I haven’t loved. Just put one over a simple fire pit and cook it plain and bingo. I’m going to enjoy it like no tomorrow. A little butter or sour cream can't hurt, either. Russians boil potatoes. Or they fry them. Or they bake them. Or they even roast them. They do ALL SORTS of preparations for potatoes. Man. Sautee' some in a pan with onions and mushrooms and yowzers. You've got a meal fit for a king. And I would consume any of these preparations HAPPILY! Even if they were the main entrée, too. Which is why you see the picture above.

Turns out, this was my dinner the other night. And frankly… I loved this meal! Apparently I bought a bag of Russet Red potatoes recently and next thing I know… I had WAY too many. Hence my meal of potatoes only. Which I would have also done, if need be, with the Yukon Gold variety as well. These two types are by far the most delicious tasting potatoes ever AND can be used to make anything you want with them. The interiors are soft and fluffy tasting, cook quickly, and make one of the best comfort side dishes ever. Of course my meal this particular time was not a side dish. It was THE dish. And basically, I had no complaints whatsoever.

Which is why I decided I could probably survive pretty well in Russia. Even as a peasant woman although don’t get me wrong. I’d still love to be one of the elite, but if for some reason I wasn’t… I would still find a way to remain a Potato Cuisine Chubbette which only means: I'd fit right in with the other stocky looking women, owning an entire wardrobe of colorful babushkas. I’m just blessed that way, I guess. 

I do have to admit however, there ARE some STUNNING looking women in Russia who often become hot, sexy models. Plus... let's not forget the many mail order brides that probably find then themselves immigrating to developed countries, to men who wind up not being at all what they had bargained for. So not a good move, unfortunately.

In any case…. my meal of potatoes was delicious. I cooked them with a bit of olive oil and spiced them with salt, garlic powder and seasoning and was pretty damn happy with the outcome. I only ate about an eighth of this meal, but it also made for an excellent snack later in the evening. Kind of like: who needs popcorn? You’ve got potato bites, instead! Which I totally assume lots and lots of Russians enjoy daily.

Oh yeah… I almost forgot. Russian blintzes are spectacular, also! Yet with all this said... I am so staying right smack where I am. I'll forget about living in Russia and instead I'll merely cook my favorite Russian dishes right here in my convenient, comfortable kitchen. After all... my grandparents weren't all that crazy about the shtetls and pogroms. 

THAT is a whole other story for another day.

K!

Monday, January 18, 2021

TOMMY BOY


There have been a lot of boys in my life when I was raising my family thus I was in the world of sports way more often than I ever wanted. We had season tickets to all the major sports games and thankfully I was spared from ever having to take my son to pro wrestling when he was a nine or ten year old, and heavy into it. Luckily my husband was in charge of that. 

And by the way… let me state right off the bat - no pun intended - that the biggest scam of them all is Little League. You ever watch 5 and 6 year olds trying to hit a ball way into center field? Totally never going to happen, let alone ever be caught... and it was nothing short of torture when I had to sit at these games because the children had no clue what the hell they were doing thus making each game go on for hours and hours. I’m not even sure the kids themselves enjoyed it. IT WAS HOT out there!

Soccer was certainly more tolerable but again, I hated having to go to my kids’ games for that too. Besides, the games were at 9:00 or 10:00 in the morning and I was SO not up for doing games at that hour of the day on a Saturday. My husband was the coach for my children for years and years and my job was bringing the snacks. Me? I’d have been happy to bring cupcakes or doughnuts but nooooo… it had to be HEALTHY snacks like fruit or something or the other parents would have had my head on a serving platter. Trust me. The kids would have much preferred Pop Tarts.

I also hated going to the big arena every year for our season tickets to basketball games. First of all… there are like 1000 games played per season and at each of them, I felt like I was watching a ping  pong match given my head was turning first left and then right and then left again and of course, right again. Up the court, down the court. Up the court and down the court. Jesus. It was nuts. But of course the concession stands on the other hand, my favorite part of being a fan, were totally delicious. 

I could go on and on about all the sports games I found myself attending and then throw in the many that I needed to host in my own home and whammo. I had to be Mrs. Sportswoman of the Year all of a sudden. This was when Mohammed Ali was big so fight night was a major big deal. Then came Mike Tyson, when boom. The fight was over even before it began because he was knocking out opponents left and right, within seconds. By the time I even brought out the fancy schmancy foodstuffs from the kitchen, I not only missed the first round but basically, I’d miss the entire fight.

Two items of note, btw…. 1.) Howard Cosell was by far my all time favorite announcer! I loved watching this man like no tomorrow. Talk about articulate! Talk about knowing his business! Talk about drawing you right into the game with his blow by blow descriptions of the action! OMG. I could watch and/or listen to the man for EVER. I even enjoyed his ever popular toupee. If you were too young to have seen Howard and Ali together, then you missed something special, alright! Oh yeah. Bob Costas is my second favorite, in case you're interested. 2.) My son even earned a championship ring when Jimmy Johnson coached the Miami Hurricanes, by virtue of his being the ball boy for the team. Bingo. The was part of the team! The ring was HUGE, too. Almost bigger than my kid’s hand. Anyway…

Football was big in my house. I even remember my son playing in high school and as a 9th grader, he was put right smack onto the varsity team, lined up against the BIGGEST 12TH GRADE FOOTBALL PLAYERS I EVER SAW IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!! I immediately had to direct my kid to drop to the ground within SECONDS once the ball was hiked, so as to spare his life from these bulldozers. Of course, he never obeyed. He played defensive end for four years and each and every year, there was ALWAYS a trip to the emergency room for one reason or another. With a stop at poisonous Taco Bell because I felt so badly for him. In any case…

Football is my favorite sport to watch. Night games were my favorite for attending in person. And watching a great quarterback throw a perfect pass, only to be perfectly caught by a receiver thrills me to no end. In my late 20s Don Shula and the Miami Dolphins captured not only the entire city for years and years, but captured my heart as well. It was just so damn exciting and of course I knew all the team members by heart. Uh… just don’t ask me to name them all NOW, of course. My 72 year old brain is way past that. Which brings me to tonight…

Just like I did last week, I watched Tom Brady play again tonight, bringing wins to his team both weeks. Now HERE is a quarterback, if ever there was! Talk about a magnificent athlete! He brings a whole new meaning to poetry in motion. And F all you fanatical fans out there who expect me to know all the team members’ names or their statistics or even their positions. I am old thus I just watch the game. I even have a friend who totally delights in betting each week on all the games which basically means: you never quite know exactly what mood he may be in on Monday morning.

Regardless… I just can’t get over Brady! You know how you just HAVE to marvel at Michael Jordan playing?? Well… the exact same thing goes for Tom Brady. His passing arm is amazing. His athletic ability is a sheer joy to watch as he is looking for a receiver. And when he completes the pass?? Lordy. Talk about job well done! Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I don’t know all the technicalities of the game but I get the gist of it and it’s rules absolutely perfectly fine. I would be the perfect date to bring to a game. I do have to admit, btw, I think the camera men are out of this world. They all deserve major pay raises given they show us absolutely astounding shots of each play which makes it all the better for idiots like me. In the meantime…

Tom Brady’s statistics are to be envied by any quarterback you can name. No wonder. He has thrown the most passing touchdowns of all time. Boy, would I ever love to see his passing arm. Can you even imagine the strength this guy must have?? I don’t know what to tell you. I just find this guy utterly amazing. Sorry Dan Marino. Or Peyton Manning. Or Fran Tarkenton. Or Joe Namath who, by the way, is SO not attractive in spite of his posing in Playgirl. Tommy Boy outdoes you in every way, if you ask me.

Of course no one would EVER ask me to opine on football quarterbacks. I know nothing about them, but I do know a winning athlete when I see one. And believe me… I’d love nothing better than to see each and every one of them in the locker room in a heartbeat. No matter WHAT sport they’re in. Because I do have admit.. .Tom Brady is damn good looking, alright! His smile alone moves him right up to the top of the list. Don’t believe me? Check THIS out:

The chiseled face doesn’t hurt either. Man. Has he ever got it all. Not bad for being 43!! How he is even playing at this age is incredible. Talk about 40 being the new 25! Which naturally has to make me wonder: WILL HE MAKE TO THE SUPERBOWL THIS YEAR?? Oh God. I so hope so!

I A T


Friday, January 15, 2021

MY LIFE IN PHOTOS

I’ve written often about how I go nowhere without my camera. Even today, I still have my little digital camera in my purse at all times. True, I never use it anymore, but I feel absolutely naked without it. Why don’t I ever use it? Easy. I got my first Pixel 2XL phone a few years ago and boom. Goodbye digital and hello cellphone. So now both cameras are with me everywhere I go. But the Pixel camera is way better.

And it’s a good thing, too for you just never know what the heck you’re going to see while out and about. Like the time I was driving behind a car and for the first time ever, I saw hanging from its back fender, TRUCK NUTZ. Why ANYone would ever want these is beyond me, and I do have to say I was aghast when I saw them. So much so that bingo. I took out my camera while waiting at a stop light and next thing you know, I snapped a picture. And… I posted a whole story about them here on my blog several years ago. It was nothing short of crazy! What is not so crazy… are these pictures I’m going to show you below, a bit of what my life in photos for 2021 has been like so far. Uh… you’re welcome.

Unlike the truck nutz… I am going to  go way to the other end of the spectrum… for I had a MAJOR happy surprise last week. I was sitting at my desktop, happily working away on something and I look up and see from the window in front of me an Amazon truck pulling into my driveway to deliver a package. Yay presents! So I get up, go to the front door and open it so I can grab the present and WHAT DO I SEE  WAITING FOR ME, AT THE DOORSTEP BUT A HUGE BOX OF FLOWERS!! Omg… I couldn’t believe it! They were probably there, unbeknownst to me, for maybe a half hour BUT WHOA was I ever surprised! And totally delighted!

Which naturally meant, to hell with the present from the Amazon delivery guy… I wanted to go check out the flowers I received, instead! Oh man. They were OUTSTANDING! Don’t believe me? Check them out below…

Beautiful, right?? Took me no time at all to open the flower box and my eyes popped out with a huge smile on my face. Plus… I got the most beautiful purple crystal wind chime that was included! A DOUBLE SURPRISE. You have  no idea how much I love wind chimes. In fact, I have one right smack outside my window as we speak. So basically these treats absolutely made my day! And my week too, actually, for they are still stunning and fresh. QUICK! Whip out the camera and remember this day for ever! Which naturally I did. I am beginning to think I need this treat every month btw, but yes, I know. I totally don’t see that happening. It doesn’t matter though because this kind of surprise can last for always. Besides… I’m not into greed. Conspicuous consumption, arguable. But greed, no. Anyway…

Another absolutely amazing day was just a couple of days ago when I woke up. Still half asleep, I moseyed into the kitchen to get a drink, not even fully awake yet and I look out my kitchen windows, Boom. What do I see but THE MOST BEAUTIFUL SCENE EVER. It apparently had snowed all night long and boom. I see this!

Can you believe it? Now THAT’S what I call Mother Nature at her best. How long you think it took me to grab my camera and get THIS shot?? And… not only did I start taking pictures, but I began shooting videos as well. Oh man. It was just so magnificent, I can’t tell you. Coming from South Florida, having lived there for 55 years, I NEVER saw this, I can tell you that. And… this is exactly why I left. 4 ASTOUNDING SEASONS! Winter has totally become my favorite, btw. It has definitely surpassed autumn which had always been my No.1, but since coloration the past few years has been kind of weak, winter has moved right on up a notch. Can you blame me? Seeing snow fall is exciting in your heart and soothing in your mind. And… just so beautiful to watch, no matter your age nor your favorite season.

Okay. So ANOTHER great day was on New Year’s Eve when I went to a spectacular luncheon at a friend’s home. There were many reasons why I loved that day, but the best part was when I helping my friend learn how to use the cartridge of weed for her vaping pen. We followed the instructions, kept trying to get it to work and we were getting nowhere but fast. We Googled instructions and even watched YouTube to see what was going wrong. THEN… ALL OF A SUDDEN… I SEE MY FRIEND COUGHING HER HEAD OFF, SURROUNDED BY CLOUDS AND CLOUDS OF SMOKE which only means… guess what. I got it to work! I BURST out laughing like crazy because we had no clue that I discovered the answer to taking a toke. It was just so great, let alone hilarious. And man, was she smashed. It was like out of the blue, bingo. The pen worked and my friend, by total accident, inhaled the hit of her entire life!  

BUT… my second favorite part of the luncheon was the after-lunch-cocktail we were served. Normally, I NEVER drink liquor and if I did, vodka would be my go to choice if there was no champagne. Never straight up, mind you, but that matters not. However… on THIS day… I had a cocktail not only made with vodka but with bourbon and Irish whiskey, too! WHOA. Maybe the most liquor I’ve had in my entire lifetime. AND, MIXED WITH CHOCOLATE SYRUP, TOO. Don’t even ask. I was buzzed like no tomorrow. Not enough though so that I couldn’t get a shot of this simply DELICIOUS drink! Take a look at it, and if ever I’m at your house, definitely have it ready for me, please. But stop me after five sips. Otherwise you could so have a houseguest on your hands for a good three days.

Looks pretty spiffy, right? And, like I said. Oh, so delicious. No wonder. The chocolate drowned out the taste of liquor perfectly! Oh yeah. I was the one to dip all the cocktail glass edges in syrup, in case you’re interested. Make this drink. Your guests will lap it up!

Now THIS photo needs no explanation. I just wrote about him the other day. He is totally a joy for my eyeballs. And a pleasure to see each time I pass by him. Which is about 50 times a day. The picture is not doing him justice, but I had to take a shot of him anyway for he is just so wonderful.

Alright. So once again, Covid is taking it’s toll on me. Remember many months ago when I wrote about the fact that this pandemic just HAD to end, and soon, given I couldn’t stop cooking? And thereby couldn’t fit another damn thing into my freezer? Uh. Guess what. IT’S HAPPENED AGAIN. And I am not proud about it, either. In fact… it is soooo embarrassing that I’m even unhappy about sharing this photo, but as per usual… anything for my readers! Totally do not judge me, please. Besides… I have completely organized the entire freezer by now… and it looks WAY more acceptable. Not necessarily more accessible mind you, but far more organized. It was feat all onto itself, I don’t mind telling you. Don’t tell anyone you saw this, btw. They’ll call me a sloppy homemaker which I am NOT. There is simply not an INCH of space for one more item. 

Now this last photo for today is a shot I took a few days ago because I looked at this pose and immediately decided it was like WHERE’S WALDO? Instead of course, it was more like: WHERE’S ZEBULON? Bingo. In his bed, which apparently matches his body EXACTLY! I couldn’t believe it! If I had WANTED a bed to perfectly match him, I could never have found one. But one look at this and man, I almost had to say HEY! WHICH PART IS WHICH? WHAT’S GOIN ON HERE? WHERE’S MY DOG? Who as a matter of fact, is THE most perfect dog you’d ever want to meet. Well… other than the fact that for some reason, right out of the blue, lately he apparently now loves to pee right smack on the right hand corner of my bed skirt. What? My decent enough sized backyard is no longer good enough for him? Wow. Talk about spoiled. Regardless… get a load of this pict.

An adorable little dog, right? You could so eat him up! And, just so you know, if  Zebulon decides to keep up with this peeing bit by my bed corner, all applications for finding him a new home will be accepted via this blog. Maybe. I just may have to keep him after all, since you won’t know exactly what he’s trying to tell you the way I do. Nor will you know what he likes and doesn’t like. Most importantly, you won’t know that he would never run away when someone enters the house because he’s way too nosey to not check out the incoming company. BUT if you open the front door when they leave? Uh… he runs like a bat out of hell and the next thing you know… he’s busy roaming the entire neighborhood for a good half hour! With NO WAY WHATSOVER of catching up with him. The closer one gets to him… the faster he runs the other direction. Talk about a pain in the ass. But a great subject for a picture nonetheless. 

So there you have it. My first shots for 2021. There will be zillions more to come as the year passes so stay tuned. More importantly… you too, should be taking pictures! There is a better way to document one’s life? Uh… no. 

Oh wait… I lied. There IS one more picture I want to share once again. I wrote all about him many years ago.This is maybe my ALL TIME FAVORITE EVER. The EXACT reason to always have a camera at hand. Talk about THE funniest shot I’ve ever seen! And sadly, not one I took. But who cares. Although I would LOVE to thank the photographer profusely whoever it was. THEY WERE BLIND TO WHAT THE CAMERA WAS CATCHING?? Think: apparently!


Can you beLIEVE what you're seeing here?? Does this not make you absolutely laugh right smack out loud?? I bet I've had this snapshot for 15 years and I would not part with it EVER. How could I? You're feeling blue one day? No problem. Take one look at this guy, oblivious to everything, and the next thing you know, all your cares fly away in a second. 

Saturday, January 9, 2021

I LOVE HIM

At least I think I do. I haven’t lived with him long enough yet, to know for sure. But I kind of think I really do! And no wonder…. he’s fantastic!

Turns out I needed to find some sort of artwork I could love to hang above my ugly family room couch. The couch about which I’ve often written. So I had to decide first what kind of “subject” I would like this artwork to be. I could have gone with an idea of nature but that was not rocking my boat in the least. I could have also gone with some sort of modern art, which is my preference but again, it wasn’t necessarily giving me a thrill.

What DOES give me a thrill, however are the Laughing Buddhas I have in each room of my house. THOSE make me smile every time I look at one of them. I like the idea of their bringing happiness into my home, not to mention the abundance, good luck and good fortune they represent. Simply put… each Laughing Buddha brings love and joy into my home. Who WOULDN'T like that?? Soooo….

Once I decided what my subject was going to be for above my couch, I went online and Googled Laughing Buddha images. Bingo. Zillions came up and I must have spent about an hour or two going through each shot trying to find the one I loved most. UP COMES THE ONE YOU SEE ABOVE. He struck a chord with me right off the bat. Plus… he was gold in color! While my all time favorite color is white, gold is pretty much the only metal I’ll ever wear in my jewelry, so it was like a match made in heaven. Plus… he was LARGE.

Next thing you know, I downloaded the image, tweaked it some in Paint Shop Pro and then boom. I uploaded it to an online service that creates said image onto a canvas print for a wall hanging. Talk about easy. The pricing is totally reasonable enough, so basically if this doesn’t work out as well as I hope, then no big deal. I can find a replacement lickety split. But I’m not so sure I will need to. Yippee.

It’s kind of interesting about Laughing Buddhas, actually. They all have a different significance depending upon whether they are standing or sitting, for instance. They also mean something different if they are holding a specific item and even in which direction you place him. Like the one above, for instance. See his beads? They represent “pearls of wisdom” which, given you read my blog, you already know… I am FULL of such pearls! Or... full of shit. Take your pick. Anyway… 

You should not ever put Buddha on the floor which is why the one I have in my bedroom, is sitting on a base that I put underneath him, on the floor, facing my bed. I kind of like knowing a Buddha is bringing me happiness for a uh… happy encounter, let’s say. What? Not EVERYbody does that? Well, let me tell you… they should! For he’s proven his worth many a time. In any case…

NEVER put one in a bathroom. Supposedly the best place to sit him is facing a main door, btw. And… his placement should be at least 30 inches high. Which now that I think of it… maybe I better go measure the one in my bedroom again. He and his base may be a bit under. Uh oh. 

Regardless, a Laughing Buddha should definitely be revered. Granted… I can’t say I reVERE my Laughing Buddhas, but I certainly get major joy looking at each of them. I would like to tell you which of mine is my favorite, but I’m not sure I can. Sort of like you can’t say which of your children is your favorite. Well…unless of course, one of them is a constant pain in the ass and always brings major aggravation. In which case, love that child with all your heart, but definitely move that kid to the back of the line.

I do love the Laughing Buddha in my dining room, however. He is kind of elegant maybe, hence why he sits on my side serving table. Which of course I never use for serving. Instead I have other pretty crap I like looking at, so who has room for food?

While the laughing expressions thrill me to no end, their bald heads and pot bellies are a big delight for me, too. Sort of like all men my age are, actually. A 75 year old gentleman with abs like a 35 year old? Please. Get real. And… this is important… if that gentleman can’t make me smile and laugh several times a day? Out he goes! No questions asked. Who needs him then? What you DO need however…

Is a Laughing Buddha in your home! Small or large doesn’t matter. I can almost guarantee he can make you happy each time you see him. As do the bowl of Italian Murano glass cherries I have in my family room. AnOTHER reason to be happy given… life IS but a bowl of cherries! 

Whoa... no wonder I'm rarely depressed.

Thursday, January 7, 2021

THE CHEAPIE ROUTE

 


So I cheaped out this week. Very unlike me btw, but the draw was just too strong this time. And you know what? I totally think it’s going to work out perfectly fine!

Everything started with my sister in law who was telling me that she recently went to Sam’s Club… a Costco type place, here…  and that she decided to try the optical department there for her new glasses. And as it happened, she was tickled pink because when she walked in, lo and behold who should the optician turn out to be?? CARMEN. The exact same Carmen who used to work in South Florida at the very pricey optical office, where she used get her glasses made years ago! For big bucks, too.

It was like a homecoming that thrilled my sister in law to no end. Turns out Carmen told her that buying glasses and lenses at Sam’s Club was totally excellent, they used top of the line best labs and lens cutters that she’d find anywhere and was WAY CHEAPER than any place she could go. So BINGO. She decided it was worth giving Sam’s a try! And she did. And Carmen was right. Her glasses were fantastic for WAY less money! 

Ok. So given I had a new prescription for my glasses that I had had made just about 9 months ago, I decided I would cheap out and head over to Sam’s for MY new lenses. Boom. I made an appointment with Carmen, who as it turns out, has more happy energy than any 12 people I know put together. Right off the bat, she said to me that I’ve obviously got a Manhattan vibe given I was dressed in all black, wearing my red frames and statement jewelry and supposedly had an exceptional personality. Wow. Talk about an astute saleswoman, alright. She even made me twirl all around for Karen, the other optician who I guess was to supposed to soak me all in. Man. It was like Carmen was thrilled to FINALLY see someone who came from a big city as opposed to the mountain folk whom we normally see all the time around here. But in any case… 

Carmen was patient, professional and reassuring that indeed she can have my lenses made so I could then see everything in the world perfectly fine. Lenses for all 4 pairs of glasses, I might add. 2 pairs for everyday wear, 1 for sunglasses and 1 pair for my computer glasses. All of which would normally come to a couple thousand of dollars anywhere else. Carmen’s price however? $700 for the entire kit and caboodle! Wow. I was pretty damn psyched about all this, I do have to say. YAY CARMEN. She obviously knows her business like no tomorrow. 

Or... maybe she merely spotted a sucker for it all the moment I walked in. Which of course is the first lesson in being a great retailer. For believe you me... I fit that description to a T. And to prove it, I wound up falling for the brand new Kate Spade frames that I'll now use for my computer glasses. I tried them on and bingo. Carmen, Karen and I were totally elated. In the meantime…

Other than meeting Carmen and getting her professional help at a great cost, I must admit that my FAVorite part of this whole experience was actually a much better one. My hot dog! For I would NEVER go to Sam’s Club… to which I hadn’t been in almost a year… and not go up to their “café” of sorts to order a hot dog. They have THE best tasting ones I’ve ever had. And I’m kind of a pro at this, if you must know. I don’t know who makes it (I almost want to say Nathan’s) but man, is it ever delicious. Actually, critics say Costo’s hotdog is much better but in my town, I have only one choice of a big box store so I happily roll with the punches.

Anyway… I hadn’t eaten all day long thus I was starved! So while Carmen was busy for about 20 minutes getting my prescriptions all written up for the four glasses, I moseyed on over to Sam’s Cafe, got in line, and placed my order. My problem however was: should I stick to the ever popular hot dog OR… do I want to step out of the box for once and maybe get a slice of pizza instead? Hmmm. It was a major dilemma, let me tell you. What the heck should I order? Because I just have to say… there were loads of people who had apparently pre-ordered a whole pizza and man! Did it ever smell delicious! Talk about Pavlov’s dog at his best.

Ok. So by the time it was my turn… I walked up to the counter and said to the lady UH… YOU KNOW WHAT? I'D LIKE A HOT DOG PLEASE AND NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT, I’LL EVEN TAKE A SLICE OF PEPPERONI PIZZA TOO, WITH A SMALL DIET COKE! THANKS! Wow. Talk about solving a problem with no second thoughts whatsoever. When in doubt… order it all! And boy am I glad I did! For while I downed the hot dog in sheer delight while waiting for Carmen to finish… later, when I got home and took a bite of the pizza, I was in heaven! Was it the BEST dough I ever tasted? Uh, no. But… was it absolutely, unexpectedly, perfectly and deliciously acceptable? DAMN RIGHT IT WAS. And once it was in my tummy… my insides knew no difference whatsoever. I love when I made the right decision! Oh yeah… get this...

The total cost for me was $3.79! Which btw, was less than the sign said it would be, but I think maybe it was because I didn't get the pizza combo. Of course, were it $13.79, I wouldn’t have given a damn. I STILL would have happily paid for it. And… the slice of pizza could easily have been cut in 4ths. IT WAS HUGE. Exactly the way I like my... uh… portions. Yeah, that’s the ticket. Portions.

In the meantime… I am so counting down the days until my glasses are ready. They are going to be fantastic and I am going to be glowing. That’s IF the prescription is correct to begin with. It usually takes me two times to have my eyes tested, just to be sure they test equally on both days, but I’m going out on a limb this time and I am assuming the doctor and I got it right the first time around. Boy. What an optimist I am.

I am also going to try to hit Sam’s Club way more often from here on in. I forgot about all the kinds of foods they carry that I love. Case in point: Chicken Cordon Bleu and Shrimp Scampi! Which I WOULD have gotten while I was there for my visit with Carmen but I swear… there is NOT ONE INCH of space in my freezer to fit one more bit of food whatsoever. Seriously. It’s so damn embarrassing, it's ridiculous. Thus… I had better eat up a boat load of entrées from my freezer in the next 8 days and FAST.

For in 8 days I am hoping to have the best damn eyeglass lenses one could ever want. YAY EYESIGHT. YAY CHEAPO GLASSES. YAY CARMEN. Most importantly... YAY ME.

Friday, January 1, 2021

SO... IT'S FINALLY HERE

 

I can’t even believe it. I’ve waited 12 months for this day to arrive… a brand new year! And to be sure I was not dreaming that 2020 was over, I stayed up and watched the ball drop in Times Square. Sure enough, I lived long enough to usher in 2021. What a freakin' relief if ever there was.

Every year btw… my all time favorite part of seeing the ball drop is the music afterwards. First is always AULD LANG SYNE. Then comes NEW YORK, NEW YORK. To which I sing each and every word btw. Then usually comes AMERICA THE BEAUTIFUL and finally WHAT A WONDERFUL WORLD. Man. What a playlist if ever there was. Actually, I sing to ALL the songs and love every minute of it. Oh yeah… I just loved that Times Square was somewhat filled with front line and essential workers. Boy… did THEY ever help NYC this past year.

Of course this year, was the weirdest celebration ever for me. I did go to a fantastic New Year’s Luncheon with 4 other friends. It was soooo delicious I can’t even tell you. But you can see me above, loving every bite of ceviche with shrimp on a flat taco shell. OMG. I could eat this every day. Of course we started with hors d'oeuvres and champagne so right off the bat I was in heaven.

What was weird however, was that I was at home for the rest of the evening. There was no restaurant any of us wanted to go to for indoor dining. There were no celebrations at night given we had all celebrated Christmas Eve so no one was up for doing New Year’s Eve this year. I only heard two fireworks going off. Thus if it weren’t for the ball drop I wouldn’t even had known a celebration was going on.

Well… except for the fabulous phone calls, messages and texts I got. The calls were great, btw. Hearing from my kid was probably the best but the others were excellent because several were from friends miles and miles away. And we all had the same feeling… 2021 WAS FINALLY HERE! And naturally… we are all crossing our fingers that the in the next 20 days THE IDIOT will not destroy our country further. Talk about a holy terror. Hold on to your hats, folks. God only know what’s in store in the next few weeks.

Regardless… I am thrilled I survived this pandemic so far and am looking forward to a MUCH happier year this time around, on so many levels. I hope the same goes for everyone reading this post. Think: VACCINE. May all of us get it and quickly, so we can finally end this nightmare already. I know. I know. I have to be patient but if I am able to have it by spring or summer I’ll be forever grateful. Yay senior citizens. Yay underlying conditions. Yay thin needles. Yay creating a merry little life once again. Trust me… I have high hopes for lots of things. 

Case in point: I WANT TO GO TO A MOVIE THEATER. Yes, it’s open here in my city, but with rising covid cases, who the hell is going to chance being inside, having no clue how safe the other movie goers might be. Just what I need. Sitting there, downing my beloved popcorn only to test positive 10 days later. Many of us have TALKED about going but we came to our senses immediately. Of course I have other high hopes but again, I will just have to be patient and wait it out. Damnit. In the meantime…

May all of you be able to find lots of joy in 2021! I pray your lives are filled with good health, lots of laughter and is shared with someone you love like no tomorrow. You’ve got those three things?? Boom. You’re off to an incredible start! Yay happiness!

And so here we go. Let’s live and create outstanding memories once again. God knows I’m going to try!  


Monday, December 28, 2020

IT'S ALMOST OVER!!


And no. I don't mean the women all over the world who I suspect just might be saying this to themselves right this very minute, for alas…  that is a different story altogether. Instead, I’m speaking about...

Thank God Almighty! 2020 is FINALLY coming to an end!

And not a minute too soon, if you ask me! Even if you are not the type to celebrate and paint the town red for New Year’s, you damn well should THIS year! Holy mackerel. If THIS year isn’t one for you to jump for joy at it’s end, then man. You have no celebratory blood running through your body at ALL.

Because I am so telling you. To see this year over is something that has ME dancing all over town. Of course it would nice IF I could go all over town, but obviously this pandemic is having me dance all over the house, instead. But it matters not. Just be sure you celebrate SOMEhow. Kind of like that picture above. See? I'm smiling already!

In fact… I just may need to have a WHOLE glass of champagne this year. I’m a major cheap date however because 4 sips and boom. I’m ready to take a snooze with a smile on my face. But not THIS year. Man. I just may have a toke AND a glass. Never say never. Remember: I’m from the generation of burning bras and making love not war. So… I basically need no lessons in partying hard. Throw in a Quaalude and God only KNOWS what sort of fantastic sex is on the agenda. Or… mushrooms, hashish, etc. I would NEVER have considered coke, btw. I mean seriously. How disgusting is it for a woman to have her face on the tabletop, snorting white powder up her nose. The visual of it just always grossed me out. Plus... it had to cost SOMEbody a boat load of money. In any case…

To have lived through this year AND the coronavirus has been sheer hell. Oh… not necessarily just because our President is amoral or I couldn’t dine in restaurants or could go nowhere without a mask or a whole slew of other reasons, but frankly…  my most hellish reason was actually due to my fear of being without toilet paper, paper towel and of course those 6 weeks whereby I could not buy Caffeine Free Diet Coke in a can.

Granted, I abided by all the health restrictions I was supposed to, as everyone under the age of 52 paraded all over town, while rest of the world was on a respirator. THOSE people cared less about millions of folks who were fighting for their fucking lives. Sadly, for those patients, THAT’S what I call things being OVER, alright. What a shame is all I can say. Literally, a crying shame. This was THE deadliest year in HISTORY! Which reminds me…

I needn’t mention how thrilling it will be to see the end of 2020 if for nothing else than…THE bigly-ist reason of them all… TO SEE HIM GO!! Omg. What a vile man and a wicked leader. Look up DANCING ON ONE’S GRAVE in a dictionary and boom. You’ll see his face plastered right smack on the page. With absolutely no explanation ever needed. HE’S DEAD AND  BURIED?? YIPPEE. BRING ON BRUCE AND THE E STREET BAND AND LET’S DO IT! TALK ABOUT TIME FOR DANCING IN THE DARK!

Another reason I’ll be celebrating the end of 2020 is the fact that soon enough… I’ll be able to actually celebrate IN PERSON once again! I mean Skype, Zoom and Facetime are nice enough but for family holidays? Major milestone birthdays? Graduations? Births? Weddings? Now THOSE should definitely be able to be done whereby you can actually hug and kiss rather than giving elbow bumps donning a mask. There are some folks I can’t WAIT to kiss and hold in person and you know what? As this year ends, I might even be able to do it in the next one! I mean seriously. I miss my kid like no tomorrow, for example. QUICK! GIVE ME MY VACCINE AND LET ME LIVE OUT THE REST OF MY LIFE IN THE PLEASURES OF HUMAN TOUCH ONCE AGAIN. Wow. Talk about joy. Anyway… I did get SOME gratification this year.

Granted, it was kind of a selfish indulgence on my part yet actually THAT is something I’ve totally perfected. Case in point: in the last month I upgraded three of my all time favorite items. Here… take a look at them, all in the correct order of adoration, I might add.


Yay Kindle Fire 10!

Yay Pixel 5!


Yay iPad!

In the meantime... how we even got to this place of ending a hellish year like this one is beyond examination or explanation. It will take years for authors to write about all the bullshit that went on in our government, from the highest elected official to the lowest. On every front, folks who COULD have saved our democracy… whether it be on health, security, children in cages, stimulus relief, racial injustice, decency, hunger, etc. etc… will not only have to explain why they DIDN’T save it, but also tell me what was in it for them to commit such an atrocity that they knew would take decades to repair and/or document. For in my mind… 2020… and the 4 years prior… was a time in history when America’s government lost it’s treasured soul.

Oh yeah. I now know who else will also be thrilled to see this year end… EVERYONE OF THOSE FUCKING CRIMINALS TRUMP JUST PARDONED!! Actually, I am still confused how Trump can pardon himself or his kids if they haven’t even been charged or convicted of anything. Well, yet anyway. And… the fact that Trump is about the pardon the kiddies, sort of tells me that he probably won’t resign whereby giving Pence the ability to do the pardoning for his children and himself. But… never say never.

Besides… I really don’t see it in Trump’s DNA to give up and just hand the reins over to that slimy, ass kissing Veep. MOTHER… UH… IS IT OKAY IF I HAVE LUNCH ALONE WITH A FEMALE GOVERNMENTAL OFFICIAL SO WE CAN WORK UP A GAME PLAN TO LET ME BE PRESIDENT FOR A WEEK? Jesus. What a hen pecked pussy HE is.

Okay. Okay. I get it. I’m ranting way too much and way too often. But I just can’t help it. It’s just that I can not TELL you how thrilled I am to soon be welcoming in 2021. And btw… I promise that should there be one more last post of the year… it will be chipper and hopeful to make up for all the bitching I’ve done recently. In any case… at least there was one good thing I guess I should consider.

Thank GOD I was able to have my hairdresser come to my house to give me haircuts despite our serious lockdown in spring. THAT was a huge deal for me. And actually… I was able to even weather the couple of months I had to forego my manicures and pedicures until the salons were opened once again. For remember: personal grooming is WAY high on my list of necessities. Now THAT is something I don’t EVER want to end.

Even when I’m in the Oldie Goldie Home, I want these services rendered to me. Even before I’m put in the pine box, too. Raise your hand if you’d like to volunteer to be sure that actually occurs. And thanks to anyone for offering to step up! I’ll be eternally grateful. Literally.

In the meantime, I totally have high hopes for 2021. Like being able to at long last GO TO A MOVIE THEATER ONCE AGAIN! Oh man. How I’ve missed that. And the popcorn, too. I also want to see plays again. And travel again…  although I just want the possiBILity to travel. Not necessarily go anywhere given I’m pretty much a lazy homebody. I want to dine inside a restaurant again, hopefully with an upscale buffet. I want to be able to entertain in my home without having to restrict the number of people I can invite. I want to be able to go to a grocery store without seeing empty shelves and/or price gouging.

I particularly have pretty high hopes for a normal Presidency in 2021, praying Republicans will allow Biden to govern with compassion, fairness and legality. Of course, that could be just a fantasy on my part, but I’m hoping for it nonetheless. I also have high hopes that we can once again SEE EACH OTHER’S FACES. I mean eyebrows and eyeballs are nice but who knows what the hell is beneath that mask, anyway?

All I can say is: Hallef’ingluyah 2020 is over! I wish you and everyone you love a most wonderful New Year… filled with laughter, good health and love. Most of all… be thankful for every happy thing that comes your way! 

Lastly... and maybe this is the most important thought of this entire post... my heart breaks for anyone who lost someone they loved due to Covid 19. It is a tragedy at best and an agony at worst. In spite of the heroic efforts of every health care worker, this pandemic has taken far too many loved ones and if you have suffered from such a loss... I pray you find peace in your heart... eventually being able to hold dear their memory without ache. 

May 2021 be a relief for us all.   

Sunday, December 20, 2020

...𝅘𝅥𝅯 I CAN SEE CLEARLY NOW 𝅘𝅥𝅯...

I can see all obstacles in my way literally! Man. I can’t TELL you what high hopes I have for my possible new eyesight. THANK GOD FOR SMALL FAVORS is all I can say.

Granted… it hasn’t occurred yet, but believe you me, I’m so looking forward to this! Talk about a crazy ass story. To begin with… I have been going to the same optometrist for almost 20 years. And I loved him. Plus… he loved having me as a patient for trust me… I was like none other he ever had.

For example, how many other refined women get into his examining chair and as soon as he turns off the lights to read the eye chart across the room, has to say:

WELL… I LOVE THE TOP LINE BEST BUT, SHIT. I HAVE NO CLUE WHAT THE FUCK ANY OF THOSE OTHER LETTERS SAY! THIS IS A JOKE, RIGHT?

Immediately the doctor would burst out laughing which was crazy, for I on the other hand, would sometimes totally be teary eyed. No wonder. Everyone ELSE can read the letters lickety split but because of some bizarre eye disease I have, I CAN’T.

And yes… I know. It may SOUND like I am not refined, but believe me, I am. Well, when I need to be, anyway. But when I can’t see what the rest of the world can, well then, my inner instincts come out in no time at all. Like when I have to say:

WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN THE WORST THAT COULD HAPPEN IS I CAN’T DRIVE AT NIGHT! OF COURSE I HAVE TO! WHAT IF I NEED TO MAKE AN EMERGENCY ICE CREAM RUN TO THE GROCERY STORE AT 9:00 AT NIGHT? EEKS.

At which point, yet again, this sweet innocent southern gentleman bursts out laughing. Oh yeah… he also liked to see me in the hallway and and say: UH OH. HERE COMES TROUBLE. But he always said it with love and a smile on his face. Seriously. I loved this doctor. In the meantime…

His partner bought him out and then boom. The partner turned around and sold his soul to a big corporation to now run the office under the umbrella of a horrible company, making the optometry practice blow up in the face of all the patients. It was awful and eventually my beloved doctor eased his way out altogether by simply retiring. Basically not only did my doctor leave, but so too, did half his patients. Talk about easy come, easy go.

Every six months I also see a retinal specialist, and if HE ever retires, I’ll shoot myself altogether for I love this doctor as much as I loved my optometrist. I even asked him on my last visit… NOW who do I see for my eyeglass prescriptions? Answer: anyone in town will do a great job. Which basically meant I had to sort of spin the globe and point my finger anywhere on it for it to stop and bingo. That would be my new optometrist. Anyway…

I didn’t wind up spinning a globe. Instead, I asked friends, I asked opticians, I even Googled doctors near me to suggest a new doctor and lo and behold… I found one whom no one seemed to have ever mentioned. But… I totally think I've struck gold! YAY EYEBALLS.

Thank God, given I forgot to mention… I’ve been on an ocular mission for months. A mission that has had my stomach in KNOTS for the last year, no less. The mission, you ask??

TO PASS MY NEXT EYE TEST IN MAY AT THE DEPT. OF MOTOR VEHICLES!

I mean it. The last time I renewed my driver’s license, I had to take an eye test. You look through this gizmo of sorts and then you’re supposed to read what I guess are road signs. Small glitch, however. The signs are about as big as half an ant. WHO THE HELL CAN SEE THESE SIGNS, ANYWAY?? Well… apparently all of YOU can, but not me. It’s nuts. I struggle, I guess, and then… I just wind up praying I pass. Which actually I did 8 years ago. NOW however?? Oh man. It’s going to be a MAJOR challenge come May. ENTER: NEW OPTOMETRIST.

I found a doctor I thought I would try and made an appointment. I knew nothing about her nor about her office. First person I see when I walk in however, is Deena… who used to work at my OLD optometrist’s office. Yippee. It was like a home coming! As I said before… both patients AND staff apparently left in droves. Anyway, I laid it right smack on the line for this new doctor immediately.

She walked into the examining room and I told her my story: the old doctor and his office became an organizational nightmare… had to leave… have an eye disease the name of which I can’t even pronounce… feels like sight is declining in distance… can’t even read the small print on my big TV screen… suspect a new prescription is needed for both regular AND computer glasses… can’t see the baby little signs at DMV eye test… and most importantly, totally have to see by May when renewal comes up for driver’s license! I also threw in our possible need to bribe the tester should things become iffy with him or her. They are my obvious life line to driving my car, thus life as I know it, could totally wind up resting solely on this one doofhead. DEAR GOD. PLEASE LET THESE TESTERS EITHER PASS ME OR AT THE VERY LEAST, ACCEPT MY BRIBE. AMEN.

Turns out however… drum roll… this new doctor is my new gem! Well… so far, anyway. She was so patient with me. She had all kinds of diagnostic machines I had never ever seen before. Like what you see in that pretty disgusting picture of me up above. I was so stunned at this machine that I just HAD to take a shot of it! I had NEVER had this sort of machine figure out exactly how to precisely measure a lens for me. I was totally impressed! I know. I must have been living in a cave all these years. And man, was she thorough! I felt like I was in eyeball doctor heaven! HALLEF’INGLUJAH!  

The BEST news however is… the doctor told me that according to my eye chart test results... I was totally going to pass my driver’s test!! YIPPEE. I CAN ACTUALLY KEEP ON DRIVING!! Famous last words of course, but regardless…  this means: THANK THE LORD! I can still run out for Diet Coke, Fritos or ice cream any time, day or night!! Whew. What music THAT was to my ears!

Of course that also means I have to probably read the pamphlet and actually KNOW the answers to questions on a written test, should I need to take it. Which is crazy altogether. How do I know what I’m supposed to do if my car begins to skid to the right because of ice on the road? Or what to do if an airplane lands right smack next to me while on a highway? Basically… in either case it won’t matter because I’ll be horrified, frantic and basically screaming my ass off, anyway. And I could almost bet THAT won’t be a multiple choice answer in the driving manual. In any case…

Yay. I have my new prescription, but I haven’t yet decided where to go for getting the new lenses made. I could have the optometrist’s office do the three pairs for me, but even with my own frames, I’m still looking at a MIGHTY hefty investment. Or… I could go to an optician and have them do my lenses but again… a pretty penny. OR… I could go to one of these big box stores my friends rave about and have THEM fill my prescription for a much much lower cost. Man. Talk about a dilemma given just last April I had all three glasses made with lenses that already cost an arm and a leg. 

If all else fails however, my dream fantasy could possibly come back into play. Yes, an evening cook is my first fantasy but my second is totally hiring a chauffeur! Kind of like an Uber driver, but way more professional. It kind of gives me the creeps hopping into an Uber car with a total stranger that possibly shoots up each night or is still drunk from the night before. ENTER: HOKE. 

The guy who drove Miss Daisy all around town. Now THAT is a guy I’d trust in a heartbeat! With HIM... I wouldn't even need to run a background check. And yes, unlike Daisy... I would CERtainly let him stop for a bathroom break! Besides, I'd probably have to join him. 

Saturday, December 12, 2020

THIS IS ME...

This is me. This is me during the pandemic. This is me withering away. This is me freaking out about it, too. Well... wait a minute. Let's not get carried away. Only KIND of withering. In any case...

It’s VERY rare that pictures are taken of me whereby you see my entire body. Trust me… I normally run like a bat out of hell to be sure my entire body is NOT captured. 

However… the other day my sister, Claudia, was here and she did take such a picture! EEKS. Why?? Because basically she, like me, has been somewhat mystified at what appears to be my body withering away. Remember: only kind of. Through no help of my own, I might add.  And… she tells me all about it almost every damn day. So much so that I need to tell her over and over again… ENOUGH ALREADY. Seriously… until she kept commenting to me about it, I didn’t even think about it all that much. Granted, in her eyes there isn’t all that much about me of which she doesn’t rave, but still. This is like nuts. I merely thought maybe it was my imagination, to tell you the truth. But whoa. Claudia is like obsessed about it. I think she may be jealous, which actually, she ALso tells me everyday.

OH YEAH… TIME OUT. This is an interesting  side note:

So when Claudia came to my door… I opened it after I heard the door bell and boom. She thrusts this large candy cane shaped deal filled with mini Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups … which is a total favorite of mine… in front of me and says: THIS IS FROM YOUR BOYFRIEND! REALLY. HE SAID “BOYFRIEND" THREE TIMES! I looked at her kind of pretty damn astonished because 1.) This could naturally, have come from any number of men crazy about me and 2.) I had no clue whatsoever who the heck would be labeling himself as my boyfriend! All I could say to her was: What the hell are you TALKING about?? Turns out however… my “boyfriend” is the wonderful retired guy next door, who btw, just happened to have ALSO brought me flowers on Thanksgiving! Man… I can’t WAIT for Christmas for God only knows what I might possibly get then, but you can be sure I totally hope it’s pricey and bling-y. Then Valentine’s Day?? Geez. Maybe I should alert him now that I don’t normally do milk chocolate… dark only. On the other hand, he should know already, I'd NEVER have a boyfriend who voted for Trump but whatever. Regardless… I digress. Back to Claudia and my full body shot.   

I do have to admit it IS kind of bizarre. I don’t even know what’s happening but for some reason, I am losing weight. In fact, I'd have to say that since a year ago, I bet I've lost close to 10 lbs. Which COULD mean I am pretty sick with some horrible disease that just hasn’t been diagnosed yet. Although according to all my doctors, I’m in excellent health, so go figure. No pun intended. And actually, I haven’t felt much like eating this past week, but I suspect that is just temporary given I’ve been feeling a tad unlike my normal chipper self. Which is also weird. Normally, I’d be downing all kinds of food if I’m feeling out of sorts, but okay. I guess this is the way God wants it.

On the other hand… I am guessing that maybe the real reason for my weight loss the past 9 months is perhaps because I’m not able to dine out like I loved to do before this pandemic. Who knew there would be a GOOD reason this virus came about? Lunch time would probably be my meal of choice to indulge in high calorie foods, but sadly… I’ve had to forgo dining out for lunch AND for dinner. Damnit.

However… regardless of the reason… “there’s something strange in the neighborhood” and I totally can’t call Ghostbusters. Yet still… “there’s something weird and it don’t look good” and again… I can’t call Ghostbusters. WTF is going on with me, anyway?? You should see how much of my wardrobe needs altering for it to fit correctly! In fact... given I'm pretty lazy... I may just have to ditch it all and donate it to a women’s shelter. YAY. MY MAIN CLOSET WILL SUDDENLY BECOME EVEN MORE ROOMY AND EVEN MORE EASILY ACCESSIBLE. Now THERE'S a bonus if ever there was. Besides… even with the donation, I’ll still have a wardrobe enough to clothe 4 women in all kinds of get ups.  

Granted, most people would love to be in my position. In fact I know people who have GAINED weight, being inside for all these months. But apparently, not me. Now look… I’m not complaining, but I AM a little perplexed about it all. You should have seen me during Thanksgiving, for instance. While I ate no turkey, I totally downed all the other dishes, including a serving of pecan AND pumpkin pie. No… I didn’t finish either slice which btw is also a crazy thing. I’d normally finish off both desserts with sheer delight. Uh… not any more. Which I’m beginning to think is yet another sign pointing to my getting older or being horribly sick.

For my entire life, I have had the appetite of 3 people put together. Uh… and usually, my figure showed it. Oops… I mean my physique. But now?? At this age? OMG. You should see my sagging body. Uh… God forbid. Which is why I say withering not wilting. Big difference. Anyway…

I’ve always said: I am THE target audience for clothing manufacturers. Case in point: let’s say you invited me to your house for dinner. I’ll totally be dressed spiffy enough. But then…  let’s say you served pigs in a blanket for appetizers. Now most people will take maybe two and call it a day. ME? Geez… I’LL TAKE FIVE OF THOSE, PLEASE. THEY’RE MY ALL TIME FAVORITE! THANKS. And bingo. Down the hatch they’d go with a smile on my face.

I just wished I knew what the hell was going on inside. Have you any idea how hard it is to take in every piece of clothing you own?? And the funny thing is… I would never want a love interest to be withering away like this and become all skin and bones. (not that that’s ever going to happen to ME) I’m into husky and burly. In fact, I have a friend who says he weighed 115 pounds when he married. WHAT?? ISN’T THAT WHAT A 13 YEAR OLD WEIGHS? Like at his Bar Mitzvah, maybe? Talk about where’s the beef! Luckily however, I’ll never have to worry about that given I’M never going to see 115 pounds ever again. Uh… I hope. For if so, call the funeral home immediately. That would be the ONLY reason for me to ever weigh that crazy amount.

Now, I will say that for over a year, I have decided to be very careful about my carb intake. But that doesn’t mean I don’t do ANY carbs, heaven forbid. For instance, I could never live without my daily bite of Hershey’s Dark Chocolate XL candy bar. Granted, I literally only take one bite per day but still. It’s enough to kill the craving. Regardless…

Feast your eyeballs on the one and probably only time you’ll ever see a full length photo of me. I don’t flaunt my body EVER. My clothing, okay. But never my body. When the day comes that I look like Nicole Kidman however… who probably DOES weigh less than 115 lbs… well, that’s another story altogether. THEN?? Why then… I’ll not only flaunt my body, but I’ll happily even do it nude! Man, she’s gorgeous. The damn bitch.


Friday, December 4, 2020

WAY TOO GRAPHIC

 

I happen to be a pretty squeamish kind of a lady. Even when I was pretty young, I could tell right off the bat, that gore and fear and death and horror, whether it be on the big screen or in real life, is SO not for me. Roller coaster rides? Shoot me now. Rosemary’s Baby? I’d rather be dead. I also don’t even watch films where aliens land and then take over people’s minds and bodies. That I even got through Jurassic Park in a theater is a sheer miracle, altogether.

Plus… I would NEVER look at anyone who has passed away. Nor would I ever allow my kid to do so. Which was a real stretch given he totally had to deal with corpses when in hospitals, studying to become a Physician’s Assistant. DID YOU TELL THEM YOUR MOTHER WOULDN’T ALLOW IT? AND THAT YOU’RE NOT TO, GOD FORBID, EVER TOUCH ONE? So much for following my instructions.

And, I’ve CERTAINLY told my son he’s not allowed to see ME when I kick the bucket. In my mind, that is something no child should ever have to have planted in their memory for the rest of their life. Better he, just like I did with my own parents, should remember his mother when I was laughing, vibrant and healthy. HERE. TAKE THIS 16x20 PICTURE OF ME AND PLACE IT SOMEWHERE VERY PROMINENTLY IN YOUR HOME. Boom. Happy memories. Of course, I’m sure a 5x7 would be much more his speed. In any case…

I also don’t look inside my own body. As in X-rays, let’s say. Why the hell would I want to see that? That’s the doctor’s job and the reason for which he’s paid. Changing my own bandages after major surgery? FUCK NO. Again, that’s something for which I pay my attending home nurse to do. Which btw, even it means you don’t eat for three months, is still worth the cost.

So with all that in mind… what REALLY freaks me out like nothing else, is the fact I am FORCED to see that HUGE graphic of the big red horned looking coronavirus OVER AND OVER AND OVER again, every damn place I look! Newspapers, online articles, television, ads, EVERYwhere. It is sooo gross, I just can’t tell you. Why are they making me LOOK at that hideous picture?? Isn’t that the job of the scientists in a laboratory staring down in to their high powered microscopes?? I want to throw up every time I see it and I IMMEDIATELY look away, practically gagging. Anything seen under a microscope and then blown up to the size a building is ugly! Omg. I get the chills just thinking about it! 

Kind of like I never look at that disgusting ad for foot fungus medicine on someone’s GRUESOME big toe! Are they crazy? They think this is an appealing sight to include in an ad? TELL ME ABOUT THE PRODUCT. DON’T SHOW ME THE ACTUAL GHASTLY LOOKING DISEASE AND/OR EVEN A CARTOON LIKE GRAPIC! Jesus. I don’t even want to see pink Pepto Bismol going down someone’s throat, coating their disgusting stomach, either. THESE ADVERTISMENTS ARE SIMPLY NAUSEATING which of course is exactly what Pepto Bismol treats in the first place! I so have to attend one of the advertising meetings where people are pitching this garbage to their clients. I’d tell them right away: HEY! HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH YOU ARE MAKING PEOPLE SICK TO THEIR STOMACH JUST LOOKING AT THE WAY YOU’RE PRESENTING THE PRODUCT?? Man. Get to a new agency this minute!

Sadly however, no one ever asks my opinion. But boy, would I ever like to set them straight. I don’t want to see cancer cells. I don’t want see psoriasis. I don’t want to see viruses. I don’t want to see people turning blue in a hospital bed while doctors are trying to resuscitate them. I don’t want to see ANYTHING that’s inside or outside the body that’s going to make me hurl my dinner. Which btw, you just KNOW is their prime time for wanting to reach their target audience.    

Just my luck, btw… for peyronies disease, they show me fruits and vegetables. But now THAT’S something however, where seeing the real thing would totally get my attention in a freakin’ minute! Well, unless it’s REALLY bizarre looking. Hell I’ll even check out an explicit ad showing me how medicine for E.D works. I know. I can see already which specialty I’d be considering were I in Medical School, but whatever.    

Turns out however… apparently the disgusting medical ads are there for an actual reason. Not just to merely make me feel repulsed. But instead... because supposedly, the more realistically revolting the ad, the more fear it instills in people about the disease. Jesus. Now that’s SOME take on promoting medicine and science to the public, alright. Put the fear of God into people and bingo. They will buy into the seriousness of the disease and hence the treatment which in turn, lines the pockets of pharmaceutical companies up the kazoo. Some set up, right? Which brings me right smack back to: if advertisers are selling a product for a brain disorder let’s say… DON’T SHOW ME A SHOT OF THE ACTUAL BRAIN DETERIORATION. I’ll fucking jump off the roof if I saw THAT.

So I guess it’s safe to say I would not make a particularly good nurse. Or doctor. I can’t even look at the ads, let alone the patient. Coming full circle then, to the nasty looking horned coronavirus picture. I get it. It’s a deadly disease. It’s killing our entire population. BUT PLEASE DON’T MAKE ME LOOK AT IT! I’ll wear a mask. I’ll socially distance myself. I simply don’t need a microscopic shot of it blown up 10 billion times the actual size to appreciate the severity of it!

And oh yeah… if you think I’d be a horrible nurse, you have any idea what sort of lab partner I was in 10th grade Biology when we had to DISSECT A FROG???? Think: again, horrible but 15 times over. Naturally I would have no part of it. My job then became the transcriber.

Way more up my alley!   

Wednesday, December 2, 2020

POLITICAL TALK

Several years ago, I came up with an idea of how I would moderate a political talk show. I may have touched upon it a bit back then, but these days, I’m taking it way more seriously. Especially given how absolutely dreadful the current moderators are, no matter what channel nor what show you watch. THEY TOTALLY SUCK. Why you ask??

Easy. Because each and every one of them NEVER press the guests to actually answer the question! The moderators give the guests a total platform to lie, spin or ignore answering altogether. Hence MY show would be called:

ANSWER THE QUESTION!

The basic premise is that I ask the question. I then… surprise, surprise…. would expect guests to actually… ANSWER IT! I would NOT allow them to spin their bullshit or evade the question or just make up crap. And my twist on why I’d be a perfect host on an honest show?

If and when they DON’T simply answer the question, boom. THEIR MIC IS TURNED OFF. F you. You’re here to answer whatever I ask and if you don’t, sorry. You’re screwed. (and yes… mic IS the accepted spelling)

What a concept. I ask. You give a truthful answer.

Thus, when they don’t… I would then alert the lying pundit their mic has been shut off because they are not adhering to the rules. But... given I am a benevolent hostess afterall… if they would like one last chance, then okay. They may get it. BUT…

If they choose to once again evade the specific question, then this time, not only is their mic cut off, but so is the camera. BINGO. YOU’RE DONE. I HAD YOU HERE TO ANSWER POLITICALLY BASED QUESTIONS FOR OUR VIEWERS BUT SINCE YOU DECIDED TO MERELY LIE AND FORGET ABOUT ANSWERING HONESTLY, THEN TO HELL WITH YOU. YOU’RE SO OUTTA HERE. BYE! Go do your spinning on some other show.

Whammo. I move on to my next guest, reminding them of what happened to the last one and that they are not there to simply hear themselves speak. I can’t beLIEVE how current shows fall into the non-answer answer trap over and over again. IT’S INFURIATING to me. Seriously. Every truth has been deemed FAKE NEWS and for it continue is an offense to everyone!

Granted… it could be hard to find folks willing to be on ANSWER THE QUESTION! but that’s where my producers come in. Gather the names of reliable political people who understand what it means to give accurate information to the public and BOOK THEM! For once in our lives… I want to view a show where we don’t allow spin and don’t allow promoting the agenda of the guests. It’s MY job to set the agenda. Not theirs.

Can you even imagine what a turn around this could be for our country? You turn on your TV... maybe I’ll come on right after Rachel Maddow… and bring REAL answers to our citizens! I am so damn tired of what we get from our government leadership… oops… I mean the Republicans…  and I bet the rest of my countrymen are pissed, as well. Oh man. I also bet Sean Hannity would be shaking in his boots once I get guests with integrity and courage to speak the truth.

WHAT? THERE IS A POLITICAL TALK SHOW WHERE THEY ACTUALLY TALK?? AND… EDUCATE EVERYONE WITHOUT FALSE AND MISLEADING INFORMATION? BECAUSE IF NOT, THEIR MIKE IS CUT OFF?? Wow. Sean wouldn’t even beLIEVE there could be such ethical conversation going on! Oh… I’ll be pressing for truth, alright. Maybe I’ll even win an Emmy for creating such a novel idea in political talk.

Another idea I have talked about in the past is one that I KNOW people will flip their lids about, but I don’t care. Yes… I know it’s radical and totally illegal, but I sort of think our current political life warrants it. My voting idea? Hang on to your hats, folks:

I would LOVE to mandate that any voter who has not graduated  high school with at least a C- average uh… automatically becomes ineligible to vote! DON’T YELL AT ME. I know… it’s VERY prejudicial but I don’t care.

WE SIMPLY CANNOT CONTINUE HAVING IDIOTS VOTING WHEREBY WE ARE THEN STUCK WITH VILE, DESTUCTIVE LEADERSHIP IN AMERICA.

Hmmm… do I need to even remind you of the 2016 election? When idiots came out in droves, thinking the guy who couldn’t even pass an 8th grade Civics class should lo and behold suddenly become President? THOSE voters actually thought his priority would be the welfare of our country! He would protect all citizens in everyway possible! There is no way 50% of those voters graduated with a 1.5 or above. Let alone a 4.0 Don’t even get me started on their acceptance into college. I want clear thinking, educated voters to elect my President. Not cult seeking knuckleheads. 

Now... got get me wrong. I'm not saying higher education is for everyone or that it is required for being an intelligent minded person. But whoa. There were too damn many voters who simply went along with the rally mentality, believing every damn lie they were told by their incompetent Mad King D.T. Nor am I saying voting Republican is an automatic sign of stupidity although it does give me a moments pause. But to vote for his RE-ELECTION??? Geez... where’s Tim Russet when I need him most?

So there you have it. ANSWER THE QUESTION! The first talk show where political figures have honest, moral, and ethical answers to my questions. And who hopefully… will encourage voters to educate themselves fully about each candidate. If not… then who needs them? CUT THE MIC.

Really. It that too much to ask? Answer the question, please.