ONE FOR TEN

So, yippee. I happened to have had a most wonderful Christmas. It was quiet compared to other years, but lots of fun with family and friends, nevertheless. The fun time was when I was out and busy, enjoying the company of everyone. The quiet time was when I had down time at home. Well… wait. It WAS quiet during those moments. 

Uh... except for the plenty of times I spent swearing at my desktop computer. THOSE times were far from quiet. Sort of like: a crazy old woman losing control of her patience and in its place cursing up a storm over and over again. Basically, the story goes like this…

The first computer I ever had was a Hewlitt Packard, I think, and it was running on Windows 3.1. I am also thinking that it was pretty user friendly, considering the times… way more so than DOS was... which was what I used when working on computers at work. Mind you... this was before AOL was even born and I had to pay $.25 for each email I sent, using the Prodigy online service. There was certainly no chat room or instant messaging. I used web browsers called Netscape and Web Crawler, which was pretty much Mickey Mouse until Internet Explorer came out.

Anyway… the point is, I was the very first of all my friends to actually use a home computer and I took to it like a fish takes to water. I bought loads of software to do all sorts of things that intrigued me; I was aMAZed as to what these programs could do. In fact, most of my original software I still use, given I bought the updated versions as they became available. It was totally terrific and I was in hog heaven. 

I eventually went from Windows 3.1 to Windows 95 to Windows 98 to Windows XP to Windows 7 and just recently, I upgraded to Windows 10. Bingo. The focus of today's blog.

Don’t even ask. IT’S CRAZY. To be frank, mastering the first few versions were tricky for me at first, but soon enough I had it all down pat. And so it went for all the versions thereafter. Until THIS new version. A version that wants to play with your head and screw up every easy option there ever was.

Windows 10 is totally playing with my educated, brilliant mind. I COULD have gone with any of the Apple operating systems, which btw, my son has begged me to do since he was about 14 years old. He’s now 37. To which I said thanks, but no thanks. I am a total fan of Windows and will remain so til the day I die.

On the other hand… this upgrade to Windows 10 is NUTS. Yes, it is a lot like the previous version but man oh man. It nevertheless has taken away so many features that were just soooo easy to navigate, and replaced them with a horde of such unnecessary complications. Key word: unnecessary. Hence the not so quiet swearing. Case in point:

File Manager in all previous versions… totally easy. Go to File Manager and scroll through c:/ and yippee. All files for anything you need to find on your harddrive pops up lickety split. NOW however?? Talk about making it a mystery that needs to be sought and searched and THEN finally found. Maybe. Granted, there may well be an easy way to figure all this out, but for someone as computer literate as I am… it’s nevertheless been kinda like a journey from hell to figure it out. Man. I am this far from wanting to scorch all those programmers over in Silicon Valley for fucking with our sensibilities. There was just no need to take perfectly working software from good to bad but for their desire to look busy for the boss. Anyway...  

My other big beef is with the Display options. Windows 10 DEFinitely doesn’t offer me the same choices. And… in trying to even implement some of the PRETTY display choices I want, you have to jump through all kinds of hoops to make it happen. It’s crazy! I have  ALWAYS customized my desktop display, including colors of toolbars, menus, scrollbars, etc. because frankly… Microsoft’s designs and colors totally suck compared to MY way which give me way better looking themes and perfectly lovely graphics. Here… take a look:

Microsoft: 

Me:  

What?? They want me to choose that ugly black and blue theme instead of something that has much prettier appeal like this one that I set up myself? Geez. Big difference, is all I can say. And... btw: I should totally be on the desktop design committee to give the user actual atTRACtive options for their computer screens. Let alone… give the user an EASY way for them to actually accomplish this. Suffice it to say there are a zillion other ways in which W10 is not what I consider a happy upgrade at all. Not to mention how the upgrade affected so many of my other programs.

For instance… I now have to get may ass in gear to pick up new stationary and/or publishing software, given my previous version won’t even work on 10. Boom. All my hordes of personal designs and creations are now gone forever. Everything from greeting cards to table place setting cards. And everything in between. Total bummer. Most important of all however….

Is the fact that the original FREE CELL and HEARTS are gone!! I can’t even believe that after 26 years of adoring these games, I now have to play these same games but created by companies other than Microsoft. AND, BELIEVE ME, THEY SUCK. Why the hell would this new Windows version do away with them?? They’re like almost more important than Word! Seriously.  Granted, I did download what is supposedly the original game but still… it’s different and I basically hate it. And, oh yeah… who or what the hell is Contana??? I have NO clue about that, for sure. Same thing for Edge. I’m not even going to try to learn about those features. As for Bing… get the hell out altogether.

Now, with all that said, I do have to admit that I tweaked this new version pretty well, so that I must say, my desktop is now, finally, pretty much to my liking. Not nearly as much as I liked Windows 7, of course, but okay…close enough.

And by the way… after all these years of staying true to Microsoft and never having even once considered iMac products… I totally deserve some sort of present from Mr. Gates and/or his associates. The entire world feasts on all of Mr. Jobs’ products. But not me. I’m totally faithful to Microsoft and Android.

Well, except for my Apple iPad, that is.. EEKS. I’m a traitor in disguise, afterall. And oh yeah… wanna guess how many times I’ve had my personal Computer Geek here to actually set up Windows 10 for me?? Let alone coming back to tweak all that I couldn’t do myself? Don’t ask. He sits down and works magic on my harddrive in no time at all. Me? I sit down and say to myself: what the fuck are they talking about? It kills me how he knows every OS know to man, inside and out. Which basically means:

To really grasp this new operating system, you kinda have to have plenty of discretionary income so you can PAY the Geek. Which I did happily, btw. Because finally… YAY. I’M NOW GOOD TO GO. Hence, I now pretty much know what I’m doing. Well, kinda. 

I LOVE FEASTING

Yay for Thanksgiving. I totally loved being with my friends tonight to enjoy a fabulous buffet of some of the most delicious food ever. Except  per usual, I didn’t eat turkey, which I suspect is the big draw of the night. I’m so not a fan of turkey… but all the side dishes?? Oh man. My mouth is watering all over again just thinking of the sweet potatoes, stuffing, cranberry sauce, veggies, etc. etc. I even downed some prime rib and shrimp scampi, which was amazing but I focused on the side dishes most of all. Well, that and the pies of course.

In the meantime, tonight I did something I’ve never done before. I actually wore a color I have never ever worn before in my entire life. Ever. You can see it in the picture up above. STUNNING is all I can say.

Not only do I love this tunic but it is soooo an autumn color. Again… something I would never buy for myself. Well, except for red. But yellows? Golden browns? Burnt oranges? Deep, deep olives? Marigolds? Chestnuts? Oh man…that is way on the opposite end of my favorite springy, happy looking colors of pastels. And white. And of course, black. THOSE are colors of which I have zillions. But autumn colors? None. Plain and simple. 

Until this week, that is. I had been looking at this sweater for a long time, mainly because of it’s wonderful cowl neck. I adore cowl necks… keeps my neck warm but is not fitted the way a turtle neck might be. So when I saw this sweater, not only did I love the style and cashmere feel to it, but I was amazingly also drawn to the color, imagining that it might just look kinda pretty, afterall. Even with silver hair. And guess what? I was right!

I bought this online and as soon as it arrived, I tried the sweater on and fell in love immediately. Talk about warm, too. The color was just perfect… exactly what I was hoping, a beautiful camel kind of color. Like I figure preppies up in Maine would wear. 

The funny thing is: were I to have seen this color on anyone else, I would not be drawn to it at all. In my book, there is absolutely nothing pretty about it at all. Maybe even blah. Well, until I saw this sweater, anyway. I would surely have considered it a ho-hum deal. But, apparently, in my old age, something in my head must be changing because I took to this camel look like a fish takes to water. I can assure you by the way, I will NEVER have another camel colored item in my wardrobe ever again, not even a pair of shoes. But my sweater? Lordy. I will love wearing this over and over and over again.

Oh… and get this. Apparently my friends know me well, for tonight a couple of women actually said: OMG. I never saw that color on you before! Damn right they haven’t. It’s just so crazy to me. Anyway…. I so love autumn and I so love it’s coloration. But not in my clothing. Instead, in: LEAVES ON TREES. Which reminds me…

You know how I look forward each year to the gorgeous orange and yellow leaves that I live for every fall, on my backyard maple trees? Guess what. This year? NONE. Well, hardly any. Turns out rain and wind pretty much knocked off all the leaves before they came to it’s full glory. I WAS ROBBED this season. Major bummer, too.

Which is okay, I guess because everything else about autumn is so up my alley. Especially this sweater upon which I am feasting, given that even on the coldest day of the year in South Florida, I’d never have been able to wear it. I am soooo happy to be living where there are actually four real seasons! Which naturally means: the need for four seasonal wardrobes. Ahh… what a lift for the soul every 3 months. 

And oh yeah... I hope EVERYone had a wonderful Thanksgiving with family and friends. Yay holidays!

YIKES... IT FINALLY HAPPENED

So there are zillions of ways you know you’re getting old. I don’t even need to list them, although for those of you who aren’t aware of the signs, just contact me and I can sum them all up lickety split. Upping the TV volume is totally a sign, btw.

Actually, I’ve often written about many of the signals. Case in point: the ability to  wear high heels are long gone. Additionally, I’ve often written about my love of food and in particular, my many addictions. As in: my weeks of being addicted to scallops let's say, only to then go heavy into beef, and then after that, months of pasta only, and so on and so on. It’s like my body will crave certain foods for about a 12 week run and then I move on to the next addiction. Recently however…. I’ve developed not only a brand new food addiction, but also one that signals: I. AM. OLD.

My entire life, I’ve been a meat and potatoes kind of gal. I love steak. I love ribs. I love hamburgers. I love prime rib. I love meatloaf. I love beef stew. I also love meatballs. Hence, when at a restaurant, I would NEVER order chicken. Nor would I ever order salmon, though that, I do occasionally prepare at home. And luckily… it certainly tastes spiffy enough, if I say so myself.

In the meantime… about three months ago, I decided to be way more careful about the amount of carbs I’ve been eating. I ADORE carbs. Candy, cakes, foods with plenty of sauces, anything fried, etc, etc. However, apparently carbs and sugars aren’t particularly healthy, come to find out. Yeah. Yeah. I know. The rest of the world figured this out long ago, but I was happily willing to be the last hold out. Anyway…

To help cut my carb intake, I decided to do something that I would NEVER have done, even six months ago. 

I DECIDED TO BEGIN EATING FILLET OF FISH.

Ugh. Worst of all, I began to actually ENJOY it. I can’t even believe this! Which just goes to show: I’M FUCKING OLD, FOR SURE. Of course, the fish dishes I enjoy most are never here at home. But instead, while I’m dining out at fancy schmancy restaurants. Kinda like the fish you see in the picture up above. THAT I could eat every night of the week! Looks way delicious, right?? And… while I TRY to replicate some of these fish preparations, I totally fall short. I would LOVE for some chef to come here and show me how to prepare fish the way fine restaurants do. If only my Mother were still alive. She could whip up a gourmet fish meal in a flash! Seriously. She was THE best cook you’d ever meet. Me, not so much. But… regardless… I have now officially added fillet of fish to my dinner repertoire here at home and certainly while out. 

True… I have always adored lobster, scallops and shrimp. In that order, too. And those meals I can certainly make more than edible. Somehow however, cooking a remarkable fillet of fish at home eludes me. Oh yeah… given I can down more ounces of beef than anyone I know, you can only imagine how many fish fillets I can put away at any one time, given fish is way lighter in one’s belly than a meal of heavy beef. But whatever. It’s still far less carbs.

Eating fish to the rest of the world may be no big deal. But for ME? Jesus... it's like hell hath frozen over. In all my 70 years, I'd never waste a meal on fish. But boom. I turn 71 and months later, come to find out: I'm eating a fish meal this, that and every way possible. It's like the most astounding thing to have happened to me EVER. 

So while I am now into fish, all I’m waiting for next, is the day I begin to drink not hot tea, not a hot cup of coffee, but instead… just a hot cup of PLAIN WATER. When THIS begins to happen, omg…. then I’ll not only be old… I’ll be this far from kicking the bucket altogether! Believe me… this is the drink of choice for everyone in nursing homes. Probably with a side of lemon. Which btw... is a fantastic, mandatory addition of flavor to any fish meal! Capers don't hurt, either.  
  

TO HEAVEN AND BACK

See this man in the picture??

OMG. Seeing him was one of THE freakiest yet heart warming, but still… freakiest moments of my entire life. I kind of shudder still, thinking about it, but I just couldn’t beLIEVE what happened to me about 2 weeks ago. In Denny’s restaurant, no less.

I went there with my girlfriend because we both decided we wanted breakfast for lunch and Denny’s was the only place where we knew we could get eggs, pancakes, etc. at 12:30 We ordered, we got our food, and then bingo. It happened. Right smack in my line of sight, a couple of  tables beyond, who should I see, but uh…

MY FATHER!! HIS SPITTING IMAGE. HIS EXACT CLOTHING. HIS EXACT POSTURE. AT 86 YEARS OLD! SITTING THERE, HAVING BREAKFAST, TOO!

I could NOT stop staring at him!! I TRIED looking at Betsy. I TRIED conversing with her. But… I couldn’t. I HAD to stare at my Dad, instead! To make matters worse… I then became addicted to taking pictures of him over and over again. I mean… really.

WHO THE FUCK GOES OUT TO EAT AND SEES THEIR FATHER ALIVE AND WELL, 12 YEARS AFTER HE’S PASSED AWAY?? Absolutely nobody does!

Well, nobody except me, that is. Talk about from earth to heaven and then back to earth again! Holy shit. It was NUTS. So much so that while my stomach was pretty much jumping all over the place, I just couldn’t stand it any longer. I had to finally go over and actually TALK TO MY DAD.

So lickety split, as if my feet had a mind of their own, I headed over to this stranger and proceeded to tell him how I could not stop looking at him for the past 25 minutes. I told him how he looked exactly like my Dad, how I just had to come speak to him, and how I loved seeing him. At which point, the guy sweetly took my hand and kissed it twice. I was so thrilled yet so sad seeing my Dad once again! IT WAS AMAZING. And… startling, too.

We spoke a few moments, and he introduced me to his wife, whose bright white hair reminded me of my Mom’s, but not nearly as beautiful as she was. She too, was very sweet to me, which, while my reincarnated Dad made we weepy, his wife made me smile. I was soooo happy I had gone over to speak to them both.

Of couse now, I could shoot myself altogether for not getting his name, etc. for I would LOVE to speak to Dad over and over again. I have a feeling that every Friday I had better get my ass over to Denny’s just to see more of my Dad. Downing a couple of blueberry pancakes wouldn’t hurt, either. 

All I can tell you is: I can only pray everyone in this world has a chance like I did, to see their parent just one more time. It will make you remarkably queasy for sure, but will also make you unbelievably jubilant at the same time. I can’t even explain the juxtaposition. I just know I was thrilled at this one last chance to again, see Dad one more time. 

It makes me cry, knowing how much I miss both him and my Mother. I would love their being able to see me at 71 years of age. If only. Anyway, I loved both my parents dearly and will miss them for ever and always. For now, however…

Thank you Dad for visiting me at Denny’s! I will never forget it for the rest of my life. Then again… how can I be SURE this wasn't my real Dad? Easy. Were he actually my Father... he would have totally picked up my check!    

SOOO DAMN WEARY

Thanks to the Watergate Hearings, I am a major political junkie, and have been for almost 50 years. Watching Sam Ervin was sheer constitutional majesty to me.  

Even today, I bypass every Netflix show all my friends rave about and have no clue of what they speak as they do a verbal re-run of all the latest episodes from a zillion TV shows. In fact, I am the only person I know that has never seen GAME OF THRONES, nor THIS IS US. Instead, I religiously watch, every political talk show possible, as long as it’s not on FOX. I would NEVER watch that channel given they are idiots, pawns for the President and have no interest in speaking truth.

Lately however, I have become soooo fucking weary of having to hear or see or analyse Trump and have had to work hard to cut my political addiction in half. Discussing him has totally taken a toll on my psyche, which I am glad to say has always been pretty healthy. Lately however? Oh man. I’m this short of jumping off a cliff just to spare myself watching the destruction of our magnificent Constitution… which btw, the President does DAILY. He lies, he cheats, he has zero brains and even less moral character. He's certainly not taken so much as a 9th grade Civics class. So…

What to do to substitute my political viewing? Bingo. A couple of months ago, I went to my alltime favorite… watching bullshit situation comedies. I know. Most are horrible but you can almost rest assured that I am staring at the show regardless, and probably even chuckling to myself. 

So what show have I been recording most, to ease my mental health weariness?? But of course, the BEST show ever… FRENDS. It has been a MAJOR relief in escaping the 24/7 side show of Donald J. Trump. Believe me… I watch Friends and boom. I’m happily in escape heaven.

With that in mind, I decided to record all the episodes, not knowing that apparently Friends airs 6 shows per day. Maybe even more. So basically, within a week, I had my DVR filled with a HUGE amount of episodes before you could say Jack Be Nimble. Within a month, I had hundreds of shows recorded and although I tried to see as many as I could per day, there was NO way I could ever catch up. The airings were coming at me fast and furious and unless I watched each recording for 24 hours a day, I couldn’t even begin to come close to being able to watch them all and then delete. IT WAS CRAZY.

Sooo… finally I caved. With hundreds of episodes filling up my entire DVR daily, I held my breath and… gulp… deleted all my unseen  recordings. Boom. ALL OF FRIENDS WAS GONE FOREVER. Well… until the next day, that is. Before I knew it, WHOA. My DVR was once  again getting out of control with all the accumulating shows, all over again! Meaning: that within days, I had hordes of recordings I had still yet to view. Talk about the remedy becoming worse than the problem. So fucking crazy.

Which is too bad, because once Trump, let alone Guilliani, got airtime with the whole Ukraine quid pro quo deal, I needed comedic refuge more than  ever! This is like an endless circle of Trump vs. Friends. And… Trump is totally losing; well that is, until of course I get to actually view his impeachment which btw, will tickle me to no end! Regardless of the fact I already know there will be no conviction in the Senate. I don't care. Just envisioning the White House freaking out day in and day out, is satisfaction enough for me right now. 

Plus sadly, Trump is  becoming more and more crooked with each passing day. As is every Republican in Congress, which makes me wholly discouraged. Watching our entire Constitution, a document of sheer sanctity, become shredded by our President and our Republican Representatives and Senators, is just so depressing. And oh, so wearisome.

Thus… thank you Monica, Ross, Phoebe, Chandler, Rachel and Joey from the bottom of my heart! You are totally helping me to maintain my already shaken sanity. And… screw you to anyone who votes for Trump in the 2020 election. You should all rot in Hell for ever and ever. On the other hand… the way things look nowadays… Trump could even be gone by then! If only. Oh yeah…

And btw… don’t even contact me next week. I will be glued to what else… the House Impeachment Hearings!! I will love every second of it, believe me. Well… except having to watch Jim Jordan that is, who makes me want to vomit altogether. By the time each day’s testimonies and then the analysis airings each evening are over, I’ll need an episode or two of FRIENDS for SURE. 

After all… that’s what friends are for, right??  

ROCKY RACCOON???

Awww… what sweet little faces raccoons can have. Except for THIS one, that is. EEKS. Talk about vicious looking! I would totally consider THIS an animal just this side of ferocious vermin. I of course would NEVER go near a raccoon. Why would I?? They are totally creepy and their claws are ridiculously long. Plus... I would never go near one like the one up above. Talk about evil looking!

Which brings me to last Thursday when my neighbors were loading up their moving van to finally pull out of Dodge. For being mere laymen in the moving department, these folks could so be great competition for the professionals, btw. They had about 4 strong family members with heavy duty muscles helping them to load everything onto the HUGE moving van and they were about as organized as any group of workers I’ve ever seen. It was incredible and trust me… this made for fantastic entertainment, watching everyone work like clockwork.

And what gets me… after two full days of loading up two moving vans, starting very early each morning, the neighbors THEN got into the van and headed off to Dallas to their new 4000 sq. foot home with a pool. Driving about the first 4 hours before they stopped for the night. Which, to my calculations, would bring them to their hotel by about 11:00 that evening. AFTER loading everything starting at about 8:00 that morning. WHO HAS THE ENERGY TO DO THAT ALL DAY LONG AND THEN HEAD OFF FOR A ROAD TRIP TO DALLAS?? Oh man… to be young and foolish is all I can say. And btw… they aren’t so young. Both the husband and wife are over 50. I can’t even make a dinner party for 8 anymore without a 10 day window for preparations! For 12, I’d begin even sooner. Anyway…

One the final day of the move, I stopped by as I was coming home, to say goodbye to everyone. I also checked out the empty house with the wife, reminding both of us what our homes looked like the day we moved in. Oh yeah… their house hasn’t even sold yet, but given the wife reads her bible religiously, no pun intended, she has put her faith wholly in God, knowing He would surely lead them down the path to a successful sale. No offense, but God has yet to give the folks even one offer in over 2 months, nor did any amount of praying keep them from having to lower the price twice already. And, when I say pray, I mean pray. The neighbor would never consider beginning or ending her day without reading or memorizing every passage in her beloved Bible.

I need to go off on a tangent here for a second, for I am mighty intrigued that these folks are soooo heavy into God and the Holy Book. Seriously. Now don’t get me wrong… I do believe in God and I have often prayed to God. But I totally would never hand over my entire life to him, to basically allow God to make all my decisions for me. Plus, I couldn’t begin to quote a passage or verse in the Bible if you paid me. Wait. I do know the 23rd Psalm by heart, but that is about it. But the neighbors?? Man. They are soooo into their Bible that I am telling you… either one of them could be preachers or missionaries at a pulpit in a New York minute, citing every verse you’d ever want to know. And oh yeah… being almost anti-gay and adoring Trump doesn’t help me in the truly-bonding-with-them department. In any case…

As I was outside watching them load up the moving van and chit chatting with the wife, they happened to mention the big raccoon that has been on both our front lawns all day long, sunning himself and having a grand ole time just hanging around. The husband TRIED shooing him away the day before but apparently this kind of vermin seemed to love his new found home. Okay. So we said our goodbyes, and I walked back to my car, which was parked in front of their house...where naturally, the raccoon decided to settle in for a snooze. I even had to have the husband walk with me to my car so this creepy creature wouldn’t God forbid, attack me. I was even at my front door as they pulled away in the moving van, waving goodbye and wishing them good luck.

It was then that I saw the raccoon playing all over my front garden, investigating every bush and plant on my property. If HE had the money, I bet HE would have bought the house and stayed for life. Unfortunately he couldn’t, however. Why? Because… get this.

When I woke up the next morning, what should I see but two police cars parked right smack in front of my lawn. There I was at the computer, reading the morning news, looking out my window and I imMEDiately stood up from my chair and walked to my front door, opening it to ask the police what the hell was going on. GET BACK, LADY! CLOSE THE DOOR! DON’T LET YOUR DOG OUT! A RABID RACCOON IS RIGHT HERE ON YOUR FRONT LAWN AND BTW… YOU ARE GOING TO HEAR SOME GUN SHOTS!! 

Holy Shit! Are you kidding me?? Man vs. Beast right before my very eyes?? Talk about an unexpected way to begin my day!

The two policemen were ADament that I safely go into residential lock down mode while they do in the animal. EEEKS. It was crazy. So as soon as I closed the front door, I ran right smack back to the computer room and watched the entire take down. First grabbing my camera, of course.

And then… I naturally took pictures right through my screened windows so I could immortalize this moment for ever. Like when would this kind of deal ever happen again?? Uh… never, that’s when. Oh yeah… and by the way… it took two shots to kill this creature. LOUD shots, too. I even had to supply the cops with two large garbage bags to transport this animal to only God knows where.

I am so telling you. This event was totally freaky and unsettling to me. Down below btw, you'll see some of the pictures I took of this crazy ass scene. I particularly love the expression on the policeman who did the actual shooting because in his face, you could see he was pretty nervous about having to face this creature. Were it a bear, which is not unusual to see around here, he would have fainted altogether. 

So... I am basically raccoon free now, ridding myself from a crazy attack and possible death. Thank the Lord. Which btw... is something my neighbors verbalize aLOT. Afterall... God IS their major guidance for all things in life. Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord.  

1. First sign of trouble

2. Sizing up the problem 

3. OMG. Ready. Aim. Fire!

Getting rid of the evidence

         

KEEP ON TRUCKIN'

I don’t get it. Everywhere I look outside my computer room’s front window, I see nothing but black pick up trucks. It’s been this way for years, beginning with my next door neighbor who first started parking his orange van in the driveway.

His Volkswagon van from the 60s. And, not just painted orange and white, but a major tribute to the Clemson football team which the guy idolizes. He’s 50, btw. Way past his college day years. You knew right off the bat the van was a tribute to Clemson because the whole damn thing was covered in Clemson logos… tigers, big paws, curtains, championship stickers… don’t ask. The fucking van looks like a monstrosity. Thank GOD he, after 5 years, finally either sold it or moved it somewhere else. I was thrilled to say the least.

Next thing I know, the same year the monstrosity was moved, boom. In it’s place comes a big black truck that belonged to his son while the kid was in college. I hate the truck as much as I did the van. Apparently the kid graduated college so now the neighbor decided to keep the truck for himself for another 5 years. Granted… the truck was shiny and all but seriously. Since when do I live in a used truck lot?? Better the guy should have parked his white Lexus outside.

On the other hand… the family has decided to move! Yay me. I’ll never have to see these ugly vehicles ever again. Except… I do. So get this…

I’ve been having a raging war inside my head, now with the guy ACROSS the street from me instead of next to me! About a year ago, HE decided to… sitting down??… park HIS black truck right smack on the street! Is this a joke?? Now I’m staring at yet another black truck everytime I look out the window?? It’s driving me nuts to say the least. We do NOT allow onstreet parking in my neighborhood! Well, except for this guy, apparently.

Turns out we all have two car garages plus ample parking in our nice sized driveways. The guy accross the street can’t use any of this however, given 1.) his garage is filled to the gills with what looks like a baby catamarand and all kinds of gargage junk 2.) his adult daughter moved back home with her now 3 year old baby and car and 3.) the wife has a car, so that means the two of them need to park in the driveway. Which means the neighbor now needs the street for his ugly black truck. It’s totally ridiculous.

So… since I’m on the Board of Directors for my Homeowner’s Association I finally decided to air my grievances to the President. I explained not only does a truck on the street totally ruin the look of our otherwise stunning neighborhood but more importantly, it poses a possible danger, given one now needs to drive AROUND the truck to continue on the street. Which at night means: it makes it tricky for not smashing head on to an oncoming vehicle. 

I also explained that I do not want to create any bad blood with this rule breaking neighbor, and would appreciate it if he, as President, would please address the issue FOR me. Mr. Prez said SURE. I’LL TALK TO HIM ABOUT IT. Yay resolution.

Except not so fast. I first mentioned the problem to the dopey looking President in February, let’s say and I’ve mentioned it to him several times since. And, I mean several. Plus, I’ve asked him to please let me know how the conversation went down, what the result was, etc. Uh… no such luck. I’ve heard nothing. No wonder. The guy hasn’t yet HAD a conversation with the neighbor. This is so hard?? It takes 6 months to accomplish this?? Fuck them both.

At this point, I’m ready to shoot the truck owner AND the President. I am totally getting no where… and fast. You can’t iMAGine how frustrated I am. Thus… I guess I’ll never get help nor rid the problem. So basically… I took matters into my own hands.

I quit the Board of Directors. That’ll teach ‘em!

I decided why the hell should I continue to work on this Board if I can’t even get deserved help in ridding myself of this stupid truck. Let them find some other sucker to take my place. Besides… when I accepted this position, I was told it was for a 2 year stint. Naturally, true to form, I then immediately began the monthly countdown to the end of my tenure, so looking forward to the completion of my Board service. THEN all of a sudden, a couple of months ago, when service was supposedly over, boom. I’m told: No. Not 2 years. THREE! Which now makes the President not only a schmuck, but a liar, too. (uh… sound familiar, btw??) Regardless…

Two days ago I emailed the President and made up some floosey excuse of why I needed to resign, hoping he’d understand and thanking the Board for all the effort they put into keeping our neighborhood as wonderful as it is. Two can play at this lying game, right? I have to admit I loved every second of this resignation. And oh yeah... after months of getting no info whatsoever about this truck bullshit, how long you think it took for me to hear from the Prez??

Boom. Next day.

Now, all of a sudden he finally tells me how he’s TRIED calling Mr. Black Truck, but his calls haven’t been returned. THEN GUESS WHAT?? WALK ON OVER TO HIS HOUSE AND KINDLY EXPLAIN THE SITUATION! OR EMAIL THE GUY. OR SOMEthing! What an asshole. Actually… now that I think about it… I am TOTALLY going to miss the goodies the wife puts out for us to munch on during our meetings. Of course, I’m pretty much the only one out of four, who downs most of the treats, but who’s counting. Two weeks ago she served homemade chocolate cupcakes with chocolate frosting and they were mighty tasty, if I say so myself. I'm going to miss the delicious cheese and crackers, too. Anyway…

Mr. Head of the Board emails me that he’s sorry to see me go but he understands, which basically means he fell for my completely crazy ass fake reason. And as I said… it was in his last paragraph that he threw in the bit of trying to reach Mr. Black Truck. Which is probably a lie, too, but at this point who cares.

Via my resignation, I’ve definitely claimed a personal victory in my war between these two folks. A victory that probably is going to come back to bite me in the ass sometime but still… a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do. Or… a woman.

3 HOURS DOWN THE DRAIN

Man… talk about 3 hours of my life I’ll totally never get back.  Plus… I’m so mentally whipped from it all, that it’s nuts. That’s the bad news. The good news is: my new cordless phone system is now in place. Holy ba holy is all I can say.

It all started about 6 months ago - maybe longer. The hand sets to my main cordless phone base all began to sort of have a life of it’s own. As in: in the middle of a conversation, boom. A crazy ass LOUD buzzing noise would occur, rendering the inability to continue conversing with whomever was on the line with me. For the other person, there was a dead silence yet for me I heard this loud noise. At first it was just momentarily but then, as time went by, it became longer and longer. Like maybe for 45 seconds, which in phone language is pretty long.

I lived with this bullshit for a long time but FINALLY I broke down the other night and logged onto Amazon to order a new Panasonic Cordless Phone System with five satellite hand sets. I may have even written about this maybe 6 or 7 years ago, when I had to replace the system the first time around. In any case…

I am NOT that person who, like so many, have ditched their land lines in favor of carrying their cell phones around the house 24/7. I find that a totally ridiculous option given I can almost promise you that 1.) the cell phone will be in another room completely and 2.) I’ll never know what hell room it would be in, anyway. Thus… racing all over the house is so not my cup of tea.

Enter: the 5 cordless phones and bases. For ME, this is definitely the trick set up. Hence, I have a landline in my kitchen, computer room, family room, bedroom and sewing room. Best of all, I never misplace a phone nor ever have to chase one down. Complete bliss for a lazy ass like myself. Anyway…

The new phones arrived today and like I’ve done twice before in the past, I happily opened the package to begin the charge and then program the phones for all the options I love. I began with the main hand set and things basically went along pretty well. Until I got to the option of naming each of the handsets to show up on the display panel. Which is kinda important, so that I know which handset goes in which room. Case in point: the phone for my bedroom reads: MASTER BDR. It’s a totally easy procedure. Well, supposedly, anyway.

Par for the course, NO where on the setup options did I find how to actually name the individual handsets, which is an option of MAJOR importance to me. At one point, I even began to panic a bit, imagining there might not even BE that option on these new phones. So okay. I finally caved and tried calling Panasonic support. Don’t even ask. Like so many other big company support services, speaking to customer support, it and of itself, was an insane circus. Oh yeah. And btw… of COURSE I had no interest in thumbing through the manual to find the answer, since as I’ve mentioned before… I am too damn lazy. I’d much rather have some guy in India take 2 hours to tell me what to do. But whatever. 

Thus… given the support insanity, I just hung up and decided to live with things as is for the time being. I was just too spent to proceed for the moment and went to sit down in the family room and began to gather up all the packing garbage to put it in the phone box and make my floor look half way decent again. Lo and behold I came across the owner’s manual and casually flipped through it only to land right smack on the page I needed for naming handsets!! Talk about miracle of miracles. I was delighted way beyond belief!! Best of all… after  reading the very easy directions, bingo. MY PHONES WERE NAMED AND ALL OPTIONS WERE THEN COMPLETED. After a mere 3 hours, mind you but by then, who cared. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED. Seriously. The relief I felt was indescribable.   

Oh yeah… a good 30 minutes at least, were spent on merely creating my answer machine greeting. You’d have thought I was the CEO of the Panasonic Corporation itself and needed THE perfect greeting or something. Naturally, I finally just settled on the most boring of all greetings: HI. I CAN’T GET TO THE PHONE. PLEASE LEAVE A MESSAGE. THANKS.  I know. I know. Entirely mundane but who cares.

So for now, despite the 3 lost hours, I think I’m back on the grid. Hopefully… without the piercing buzz on the phone line. Thank you Alexander Graham Bell! And... thanks too, for all the ingenious telephone technology thereafter.  

INTERVENTION??

I am totally beginning to think that I must need some sort of intervention, given my most recent addiction. Or, at the very least, maybe a recovery program. HELLO. MY NAME IS LINDA AND I AM AN ADDICT. HI LINDA. WELCOME.

To what am I addicted, you may ask? Easy. To a movie. My latest alltime favorite movie ever. About the life of my alltime favorite rock star.

Freddie Mercury.

OMG. Bohemian Rhapsody is a film for which I had been waiting an entire year before it’s release. I just could not believe this movie was actually being made, paying tribute the THE most fantastic rock performer ever. In my mind, Freddie’s talent is unparalleled. Plain and simple. And trust me… I’ve heard and seen plenty of rock stars in my day.

Naturally I saw the film on opening day and then… this is where the addiction begins… three more times afterward! In the theater that is. Then, several months later… moving on in to the Academy Awards time frame…  I could rent the film on Directv, which you can be sure I did.

Oh, the glory of it all. The music! The acting! The story! The entire experience thrilled me beyond belief. This is about the time I was beginning to worry myself. I never understood the Star Trek groupies, for instance. I mean seriously. Just how many times can a person SEE Star Trek let alone relish in it?? Have these people no life whatsoever?? Well guess what…

While the question still mystifies me, I am beginning to understand, but in a minuscule way. For after all… Trekkies are kinda nuts and obviously, I’m not. Yet, my addiction still stands and I own it proudly. 

It was the first weekend in July that I had to admit to a Higher Power I had a problem. For during that weekend and the following days in July too, Bohemian Rhapsody was on HBO. In fact, it was showing throughout the entire month, but the weekend showtimes worked best for me. All day long on Saturdays, for example, the movie was playing on all different HBO channels. So basically… it’s kinda not my fault. How can you NOT watch it, over and over and over? So… watch I did, as I was puttering all through the house, doing my different chores. Sometimes I literally sat in my recliner just to watch. I simply couldn’t turn on another channel and instead… listened to the fabulous music, happy as a little lark, time and time again. Ergo: my addiction problem.

Now I do have to say that I ALmost think maybe I’ve gotten my fill by now. Although last night I got in bed and just happened to check to see if it was playing. I hit pay dirt! Yippee. Sure enough, one of the channels was playing the film yet again, so although I came in during the middle of the movie, I still stayed up til past midnight to watch ONCE AGAIN. I swear… I think I’m this far from having to call a sponsor to help see me through all this. 

I have also watched several DVDs about Freddie so I know alot about his life, way beyond BR. I’ve also read some biographies. Needless to say I’ve watched plenty of videos on YouTube to see Queen perform live. My favorite is the one which shows Freddie and Montserrat Caballé, singing the operatic BARCELONA. It was tottttally the highlight of his life to be able to sing with his alltime favorite soprano. This STILL gives me chills everytime I watch it: Yay Freddie!. Anyway…

I also naturally adore Queen’s Live Aid performance which btw… I watched live in 1985. My other fav is The Great Pretender: Yay 1950s!. All these videos merely play into my addiction to watching Freddie perform but… as I said…

I think I may finally be getting myself under control, here. Thank God. As for any NEW rock groups in this day and age… I have no clue who they may be nor what they may sing. I couldn’t even name one if you paid me. But… I could almost promise you… they can’t possibly hold a candle to my revered Freddie.

PRIME

It could be argued that I’m sorta still in the prime of my life. I particularly love prime steaks and I love lots of prime time TV shows, too. But MOST OF ALL… I love Amazon Prime!

It is by far one of THE best inventions ever. Seriously. Ever.

To me… anyone who isn’t a prime member by now, totally has to maybe be… well, let’s see. How can I say this kindly? Uh… maybe be a loser of sorts?? I mean, really. It’s like they are still living in the past century or something… although I will admit the whole Prime deal was launched in 2005 so okay. Perhaps just a partial loser. And btw… for those of you doing a school report, Amazon itself came into being in 1994 so you’re welcome for the info. And btw… I myself have been an Amazon customer since 1998.

Frankly, I am not even sure I can live without Amazon. My first Kindle was purchased in 2007 and I paid major bucks for it, but it was soooo worth it. In fact, again for those doing school reports, the first Kindles were sold out in 5 and 1/2 hours and took another five months to restock it. Now THAT’S what I call a retail winner.

Nor can I live without Amazon Prime. I click a button and it arrives at my doorstep in 48 hours?? What the hell can possibly be BETER? Nothing! That’s what. I use Prime for everything from toilet tissue to vitamins. I love never having to go to a store for non perishables. Like dog food, lets say. Or personal hygiene products. Or my favorite lip stick. Or gift wrap items. Or linens. Or ANYthing. Not to mention, techie toys.

Additionally... I ADORE my Echo Dot. I have two of them, actually, and use it almost everyday. Goodbye alarm clock. Goodbye cooking timers. Goodbye radios. Goodbye home weather stations. Goodbye LOTS of things. The best part? Listening to Sirrius satellite TV stations! Plus… Alexa is a pretty kind lady. She’ll tell you to have a nice day if you say Good Morning to her. Or Sweet Dreams if you say Good Night. Okay… those last two make me laugh right out loud but still… she’s a really kind person. What?? Alexa isn’t real?? Talk about living in the Age of the Jetsons. Oh yeah… I love when she gives me phone numbers although using a phone book is something I stopped using years and years ago. Oh and get this…

Amazon's Prime Day sales begin tomorrow!  All KINDS  of Amazon Deals for Prime Members are being provided. As if 2 day shipping isn’t enough, right? Already I purchased  four items for my dog from their Early Day offers and guess what. Boom. The  items are sitting here in the house, before Prime Day even begins. Man. What a set up, is all I can say. 

And yes, I get it that Amazon has driven plenty of stores and companies out of  business. And yes, Jeff Bezos probably breaks every privacy law known to man but… would I give up my Amazon account or Prime Membership??? Absolutely not. I’m not only hooked. I’m grateful, too.

For a lazy ass lady like myself, this concept of online shopping is sooo up my alley. I’m just totally sorry I won’t be around to see what OTHER fantastic technical ideas are coming down the pike. Unfortunately I’ll be on the other side of grass in what? About 10 more years? Which means: I’ll miss seeing some even GREATER inventions. Damnit.

Of course, I’ll also miss seeing Prince William become King which trust me… breaks my heart but PLENTY.


   

OCD

I think I may have written something about this before but I then figured, if I can’t remember, then I suspect you can’t either. So with that in mind…

It wasn’t until I was about 60… 11 years ago now… that I began to develop crazy ass behaviors that I’d not had before. Case in point… when I turned 60, boom. All of a sudden I became spooked by other people’s germs. Seriously. I would NEVER take a grocery cart today without first wiping it down with those fantastic little sterile wipes they offer us at the cart stands. Actually, it could possibly be THE most perfect invention ever. Before I was 60, no problem. I’d touch every cart in the store if I wanted… all without sterilizing the handles. TODAY however?? No way.

At 60, I also began my first entry into the world of OCD. Like… after my housekeeper leaves my house when she is finished cleaning, if there is even one item not placed exactly as I had it on a table for instance, it takes me no time at all to put it back, facing it in it’s original position. Like my Mother’s photograph, let’s say. I need her frame to be facing at a very specific angle and if when cleaning, my housekeeper puts it in a DIFferent direction, then I have to correct it the moment I see it.

Oh man. This type of deal can go and on in my house for all kinds of things. My eye has to have THE  exact spatial relationship and direction in which I originally placed an item. And, if you think this is an easy behavior to maintain, trust me. It’s not. On the other hand…

I’m not really too too crazy with my OCD. I mean… there are people who are WAYYY into all kinds of bullshit compulsions but luckily I’m not one of those. I don’t go check locked doors over and over again before I leave the house or anything like that. Granted… I won’t put up with men who come to my home and leave the toilet seat up but actually, I suspect that that disorder is covered by my germ phobia, so I’m kinda good to go.  Regardless…

My latest OCD problem??? You will never believe this! It began about 2 months ago and frankly, it’s become a major pain in the ass! Yet now, it’s officially and permanently ingrained in my OCD list of crazy ass everyday funtioning. Want to know what it is?? Sitting down???

As of about 8 weeks ago… I now HAVE to set the volume of my TV on even numbers ONLY! Seriously! IT’S NUTS! Watching a progam set on a volume number of 35?? Absolutely not! It now has to be set at either 34 or 36. Can you even IMAGINE?? Where the fuck did this new behavior even COME from?? For my entire life, I was able to set the volume, happily I might add, at 29 with no problem. Two months ago however?? Jesus. It has to be set at 30. Or 28.

I HAVE by the way, TRIED to do odd numbers, but something in me just won’t allow it. I know. I’M READY FOR THE FUNNY FARM and I’m not particularly pleased about it, either. If someone else had told me they just HAD to do this crazy volume control deal, I’d tell them to check into an institution immediately, But since it’s me, I just tell myself: Hey… do what you have to do and deal with it. End of funny farm worries. Oh yeah. And btw... what's with this every channel having a different volume level altogether?? No wonder I'm going nuts.

Which reminds me. Is the whole country having to go without Directv's CBS at the moment?? It's blacked out all over?? I can't believe I'll have to forego CBS Sunday Morning yet anOTHER week! It's maybe the finest show on the airwaves and bingo. It's gone! 

For which maybe I should be happy. At least there is one show for which I don't have to worry about volume numbers. The only problem is: I'm not happy. BRING BACK CBS, please! My addiction to Sunday Morning needs feeding.  

URGENT CARE

Not in a lonnnng time have I been as shocked as I was earlier today. It was just so crazy that even now… hours later… I simply can’t get over the conversation I had with my son. I was floored, to say the least.

I’m always thrilled to hear his voice, so naturally, when he calls me, I am tickled pink to hear from him. Especially since he recently moved to a new job opportunity in another city, for a nice pay hike and in a position he is loving.

My son became a Certified Physician Assistant several years ago and for the past few years, he had been working at an orthopedic surgical office; seeing patients, being on call, making rounds each morning and assisting in surgery for legs, hips, etc. He needed to also submit very detailed reports for each of his patients, and during football season, he then had the additional responsibility of being at the local highschool games each Friday night in case there were injuries on the field. Bottom line: a LOT of work and very few hours for down time. Plus… he was on a salary thus, he could never earn overtime for lots of what he did. Anyway….

A couple of months ago, he was eager to move on. His first choice was to work in the Emergency Room but there were no openings at the moment so instead he began looking into Urgent Care possibilities. Bingo. He found a position that offered considerably more money, far less paperwork and MUCH better hours. That’s the good news. The bad news is… it was 4 hours away from me. Regardless… 

My son has been there about a month now, and everytime I hear his voice, he sounds happier than I’ve heard him in a long time. Basically… he is thrilled. I am pretty sad. Then again… when your kid is feeling so damn good, who can complain, right? Okay. So….

When we were talking today, he was telling me all about work, how he’s currently the main medical guy in the place, how the patients are, etc. etc. I then happened to ask him a question and it was at that moment I became stunned beyond belief! Off the cuff, I just happened to have asked what sort of ailments do the patients have, anyway.

OMG. He answers me by saying that for instance: in past couple of weeks, he had to do 3 internal exams on women who had discomfort, infections, problems, whatever.

WHAT?? MY KID IS NOW A  F’KING GYNECOLOGIST??? SINCE WHEN DID THAT EVEN HAPPEN??? HOW DOES HE EVEN KNOW HOW TO DO INTERNAL EXAMS?? I could hardly beLIEVE what I was hearing.

You should have HEARD me after that announcement! SERIOUSLY. I piled on question after question, alright! My first question was: WAIT. ARE YOU TELLING ME YOU INSERT A  SPECULUM INTO WOMEN FOR AN EXAM?? To which he answers OF COURSE. To which I immediatlely said: HOW DO EVEN KNOW HOW TO DO THIS?? To which he said: I learned in P.A. School. By now, my head is spinning. I asked a hundred other questions about this, and he willingly answered them all, one by one. Throat exams. Okay. Body rashes. Okay. Nail fungus. Okay. Sinus infections. Okay. Prescribe drugs. Okay. Even vertigo. Okay. BUT INTERNAL EXAMS??? What the hell??  

I just can’t get over it. Sometimes I laugh at this newfound information. Sometimes I calmly process this info. But mostly… I FLIP OUT. It’s soooo not what I was expecting his having to do at urgent care. Man. Talk about being naive. I mean really. I would NEVER in a million years have figured he'd have to be THIS invasive with women but then again, I guess if she is in major discomfort and she can't get in right away to see a GYN then boom. My kid needs to help her out. And btw... I didn't even want to get into what he may need to do to help MEN in a critical situation. Don't ask. Oh... plus, he was telling me about how he has to deal with STDs the patients may have! Lordy, lordy, lordy. I can't even. In the meantime though…

My son is just so happy with his new job. He was telling me that this new position is exactly why he went to P.A. school. To be a part of medicine. Versus what orthopedics is about: which is more about bones and physiology. Hence, he is just sooo glad he made this move. And, I must admit… while I miss him alot, I’m am pretty damn proud of him.

Oh yeah. Not only does he love his hours, and salary hike, but he also loves his just built, brand new 2 bedroom loft! Now, that’s a bonus alright.