FIRST CLASS MAIL

Granted… pretty much everything in today’s world is done by email. Which I do have to say is a MAJOR thorn in my side. I am soooo sick of email, I can’t tell you. I have email from friends going back weeks and weeks yet I just can’t bring myself to reply. Mainly because by the time I’m finished deleting all the junk mail and all the unwanted advertisements, I’m way too spent to even THINK about I really SHOULD be reading. 

Plus… I have to spend hordes of time unsubscribing to all this bullshit junk mail, yet often times, to no avail. In fact, I have one friend who merely looks at one website and boom. Next thing you know, they’ve got zillions of OTHER sites sending them email, messages, whatever. It’s like the links grow and grow within minutes. Of course, some of the mail they get is totally worth checking out, if for nothing else, because sometimes it turns out to contain racy content, which as you know, is so up my alley. Kind of.

Case in point: suppose you search some upscale after bath body lotion for instance. Next thing you know you’re getting ads for sexual lubricants and from there you’re getting ads for sexual toys and then from THERE all of a sudden... you’re receiving info on blowup dolls. Man. Talk about a huge jump from one topic to the other but FAST. It’s like totally easy to make yourself become a degenerate in no time flat.

Then again… as I said… checking out these crazy ass sites could easily keep me busy for half a day, should I be so inclined. Especially if it’s graphic photo ads for mens’ sexy underwear, for instance. Luckily however… I myself seldom get any of these kinds of emails or ads, so I needn’t worry about wasting too much time on questionable advertisements. I don’t even want to KNOW what could show up in my email were I to ever visit porn sites for instance. HERE’S A HOT ONE… SEND HER EVERYTHING YOU’VE GOT. SHE’S CHECKING OUT EVERYTHING WE SEND HER AND SOON ENOUGH, SHE’LL BE ONE OF US, JUST YOU WAIT AND SEE. LET’S HERE IT FOR OLD LADIES WHO SURF THE WEB! Just what I need.

Which brings me right smack back to first class snail mail. Yes, I totally get loads of junk mail, but at least it’s all about cleaning your gutters, or having hearing tests, or what’s on sale at Ace Hardware. Better yet… I can toss them out in half a second and boom. They are gone from my life for ever. And speaking of mail… my mailbox outside is cleared everyday without anything ever having to wait until I accumulate zillions of mail like what goes on in my email inbox. Basically… snail mail is WAY easier to control. YAY FREE STANDING MAILBOXES. Yay Alan, too, who happens to be my fantastic mailman, but that’s another story altogether.

In the meantime, in my neighborhood, we are required to all have the same black mail box so everything looks tidy and pretty to help maintain our image of impressive conformity, I guess. And… replacing one of these is a chunk of money, btw. I almost had to do it once when a friend backed out of my driveway and cut the turn way too soon. Oh yeah… and get this… one time a few years ago, a committee of sorts came down all the streets, painting and refreshing and straightening all the mailboxes so they’d all look brand new. I definitely loved that mainly because it wasn’t ME doing the work for everyone else. I know. I'm a real giver. I’m telling you though… it was HUGE job and must have taken these volunteers weeks to get everyone’s done. 

So apparently… home mailboxes are a big deal to folks. In other neighborhoods, for instance, some people even make their OWN mailboxes and posts. Some are very creative and some are very pretty. Some you can even tell that a lot of work went into their creations. Like the one up above, actually. Which is what I REALLY want to tell you about.

See how nicely the homeowner worked to treat the wooden post for his mailbox? And how he built it so it would house his specially selected box just perfectly? And see how nicely the hardware looks on the post? Yeah. Well, guess what.

IT DOESN’T LOOK THAT ANYMORE! Now it looks like this!! ALL BEAT UP AND LAYING ON THE GROUND, ALONG WITH THE SPECIAL NEWSPAPER BOX THAT SAT RIGHT SMACK NEXT TO IT. NOW… IT LOOKS LIKE A TOTAL FUCKING MESS!! 

You want to guess WHY?? Oh Jesus. I’ll tell you why, alright. BECAUSE OF ME, THAT’S WHY! I’M APPARENTLY A TOTAL MENACE TO ALL THINGS ON THE ROAD! EVEN THINGS ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD… LIKE MAILBOXES! Oh God. What an asshole I am.

All because I left my girlfriend’s house and drove around the street’s cul de sac like I’ve done a million times before AND NEXT THING YOU KNOW, I RAN RIGHT INTO THE FANCY SCHMANCY MAILBOX BELONGING TO SOMEONE I DON’T EVEN KNOW! It was horrible is all I can say.

Turns out, I pulled out my girlfriend’s driveway happy as a little lark, and went around the cul de sac alright BUT I WAS ALSO CHANGING THE SATELLITE RADIO'S CHANNEL IN MY CAR SO I COULD HEAR THE GEORGE FLLOYD TRIAL!! MY EYES WERE LITERALLY OFF THE ROAD FOR MERE SECONDS! And then of course… I heard THE most loud scrunch you ever heard, when my car immediately slammed into this mailbox and fucked up my car fender but GOOD. Don’t. Even. Ask.

Naturally, I then had to alert the homeowner who by the way, has this HUGE, LONG STEEP DRIVEWAY which I knew right off the bat, I never could walk. I totally drove my car up to the house and hopped out and rang the bell.

“HI. MY NAME IS LINDA AND I JUST DID SOMETHING HORRIBLE. I AM SOOO SORRY BUT I HAVE TO TELL YOU I JUST NOW RAN OVER YOUR BEAUTIFUL MAILBOX AND I FEEL TERRIBLE. I AM JUST SO VERY SORRY AND NEED TO KNOW WHAT YOU’D LIKE ME TO DO ABOUT IT. I THINK YOU BETTER COME TAKE A LOOK AT IT.”

Those are the exact words I used when I spoke to the sweet lady! She didn’t freak out at all and basically her come back to this news was: OH, DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT, MY HUSBAND WILL FIX IT… but I then had to say to her.. UH, NO. YOU BETTER COME SEE IT. IT DOESN’T LOOK GOOD AT ALL!

I think she was shocked but who could blame her?? I made a WRECK of her mailbox! And of the newspaper delivery box that is alongside it. Were someone to have done this to MY mailbox, I can almost promise you I’d never be as gracious as this woman, believe me. Of course… don’t think I will go unpunished however…

Can you believe this?? Have any clue what the repair costs to my car will be?? Well, actually, neither do I at the moment. But it will be PLENTY, trust me. The guy I WAS going to go to is out of commission for several weeks due to spinal surgery, so everything is kind of on hold for a moment. In fact, I try to ignore the entire thing as much as possible hoping that one day I will wake up and say to myself: OH, THAT’S NOT NEARLY AS BAD AS I ORIGINALLY THOUGHT! Uh… except it is. 

Oh man. This so isn’t good, is all I can say. I’m stuck with a major bill to replace my fender and will be without a car for God only knows how long. I’ll totally have to rent a car given I so don’t want to hop into a complete stranger and/or Uber driver’s car who, for all I know, is heavy into rape and death. Talk about taking a gamble on my own life! Oh yeah… btw, the people who own this mailbox never contacted me thus apparently they don’t hate me nor are they charging me for the placement of the box. I LOVE YOU LYNN AND HUNTER!

So much so that today I sent them a hotshit looking floral arrangement thanking them for understanding I’m now officially an old lady driver, sort of a loose cannon on the road. A kind, honest one, granted. But a threat to others nonetheless.

Which SO REMINDS ME.  Guess what else I have to do by next month.

I HAVE TO TAKE AND PASS THE VISION AND ROAD SIGN PART OF THE DRIVER’S TEST TO RENEW MY DRIVER’S LICENSE!! I’ve been in a panic over this renewal since 8 years ago, when I last took one. PLUS… get this… apparently my renewal can only be for 5 years since I’m over 66 years old!! Talk about age discrimination! I HATE THIS. Man. Am I ever going to have to load up on Ativan before I head on over there. Even as I write this, my heart is pounding from anxiety. I NEVER had feelings of not passing a test in high school OR college… but DRIVING TESTS FOR ROAD SIGNS AND EYEBALLS?? Boom. I’m totally a fucked up disaster.

Much like the mailbox and my car.