See that costume up above?? I cannot TELL you how much I love it. Oh man… talk about blingy. I particularly love the boa wrapped around my neck. And yes… this is me! So up my alley. And, it’s about TIME I got to wear this.
It’s been in my closet for about 6 years. I bought it for Monica and David’s annual Halloween party... a party that I loved going to each and every year. Wait. Time out. Let me go back a bit.
The picture below is from when I went as a Grande Dame in 2012. All jeweled up, like some fancy society lady. Best of all… talk about easy! I went to my closet, gathered my fascinator, my fur sweater and a couple of my most extravagant looking jewels and bingo. I put them on all at once. NOW do I look like Alva Vanderbilt of Newport? Or Mrs. Astor of New York? Granted… THEY were too much of a true lady to throw everything on all at one time, but my thinking is: go big or go home. Got it? Flaunt it! Which is why I’d probably be thrown out of Caroline Astor’s list of Four Hundred (a topic I’ll address at a later time) lickety split, due to my ostentatious approach to dressing up. But who cares. I’d have been just as happy to hang with other aristocratic, elite losers on the list of 401. Uh… maybe.
Now THIS picture below was from a year later when my costume was even easier. I put on a pretty black outfit and just threw on this mask. Talk about dressing with ease. I happen to still have a boatload of these half masks that you simply put on and WHOA. Do YOU ever look different!! Sometimes even freaky. Best of all… absolutely no one knows who the fuck you are. It sometimes borders on disturbing, actually. And, btw… I totally like costumes that will not impinge on my eating ability whatsoever. Forget mingling with the guests. BRING ON THE DINNER. And trust me… Monica can cook!
Okay… so this brings me to Halloween 2020. FINALLY. I GET TO WEAR THE WITCH'S HAT WITH ALL ITS SPARKLE AND BLING! Talk about a match made in heaven.
First I bought the hat. I was sooo intrigued by it’s glittering look. Then I looked around the same store and whammo. I noticed the mask. Check, check. And THEN I saw the boa and next thing you know… my costume is complete! Check, Check, CHECK. I was all ready for Monica and David’s party! Uh… except I wasn’t.
Turns out… if you can believe this… THE PARTY WAS CANCELLED THAT DAY! WHAT?? I CAN’T WEAR MY FAVORITE COSTUME? IS THIS A JOKE? Sadly, it wasn’t. However, the cancellation was totally the right call. I can’t remember: either there was heavy snow in the forecast for that night… or maybe just major thunderstorms. Some weather event, anyway. Whatever. It didn’t matter. There was no way anyone was going out that evening. Hence… for 6 years this has sat in my closet. UNTIL NOW that is.
I am going to an early Halloween dinner at a friend’s home tonight and care to guess what I’m wearing?? Bingo. My witch’s hat! And all its trimmings! Thank God I never threw it out in all these years. It’s going to look excellent. Especially since this could very well be the last time I’ll ever get to don this incredible attire. If anyone ever asks you what it means to be all faputzed… SHOW THEM THAT PHOTO. It captures the meaning exactly.
In fact, just a couple of days ago, someone asked me if I had my costume ready. DAMN RIGHT I DO! was my reply. She then told me she always looks forward to seeing whatever it is that I'll be wearing... and I trust this year will definitely not disappoint. But again… who cares? I’LL love it and that’s all that matters, right? I know. It’s apparently all about me, after all. I may even have to work on that, now that I think about it.
HELLO? DR. SHRINK? I THINK I MIGHT HAVE AN ISSUE I MAY NEED TO ADDRESS. OH?? IT’S PERFECTLY OKAY BEING A NARCISSIST? THANKS! KIND OF JUST WHAT I WAS THINKING. I APPRECIATE YOUR HELP. I’LL CALL YOU BACK AFTER THE ELECTION WHEN IN ALL PROBABILITY I’LL WANT TO JUMP OFF A CLIFF AFTER SLITITNG MY WRISTS. TALK YOU THEN.
Oh and btw… this year, Trick or Treaters coming to my door in THEIR costumes? Will be a total waste of time. First of all… their costumes will suck compared to mine and second of all… there is no way in hell I’m opening my door to hand out candy to complete strangers wanting to infect me with Covid 19. Oh I’m happy to celebrate this holiday. But I just don't want to die for it. Third of all… I’ll get to eat the candy MYSELF! Yay sugar overload.
POSTSCRIPT: Are you kidding me?? You will never believe this! Sitting down? I just found out: THE PARTY TONIGHT HAD TO BE CANCELLED! Again?? This costume is jinxed?? Oh man. We had VERY bad weather last night and power went out, trees were downed, etc. On the other hand... it'll be a go for tomorrow night, instead! I hope.
DEAR HALLOWEEN GODS: PLEASE DON'T SCREW UP THIS DINNER DEAL AND THEREFORE PLEASE LET ME FINALLY WEAR MY WITCH'S HAT. I'VE BEEN PRETTY PATIENT SO FAR BUT THINGS COULD TOTALLY TURN BADLY IF I MISS MY CHANCE. AGAIN. Amen.