This is going to be a somewhat delicate discussion today. Delicate being the key word here; could almost border on inappropriate, actually. Thus, if you’re a major prude… stop reading right this very minute!
BYE. WHO NEEDS YOU, ANYWAY?
Okay… so for the rest of you… let me begin by congratulating you on being brave enough to continue on. My kind of reader! Anyway…
It kind of began like this: I recently used the bathroom here at home. I know. Some intro, right?? In the meantime, however, several thoughts occurred to me while I was in there.
First of all, WHY DIDN’T I HAVE STOCK IN KIMBERLY CLARK?? OR PROCTOR & GAMBLE??
Man, could I have made a killing! I could also be painting the town red right now, living the life of REAL luxury. Wow. Talk about bad timing! Instead of living like a princess, however, I became a hoarder. Seriously.
You should SEE the rolls of toilet paper in my garage! You might choke from shock. But… you never will. Because not only would I be so embarrassed to show you but more importantly, you might ask if you could actually have a roll or two. UH… SORRY. NO, YOU CAN’T. I’M NOT SURE I COULD SPARE SOME OF MY 473 ROLLS. I know. I’m a shit at heart. Which is why I guess I’m being punished for not having invested in toilet paper companies to begin with. Even crappy ones… no pun intended.
I think I should add, btw, that EVERYone who knows me, knows I’ve visited more bathrooms than there are stars in the sky. I’ve embraced gas station ladies’ rooms so many times I could never count. Which not only makes me a bathroom aficionado, but certainly an expert in toilet paper quality, too. Which brings me to second of all:
See those rolls up above in the picture?? That is the actual photo advertised by the company from whom I ordered the toilet paper. It was during the hard core midst of paper shortages all over the country (don’t even ask to see my paper towel stock) and I was tickled pink to get them. WHAT?? 96 ROLLS?? COUNT ME IN! SERIOUSLY. 96! Afterall, my fear of having no paper supply borders on my fear of contracting the covid virus itself. Now mind you, this is as good a time as any to remind you there really IS only one toilet tissue product you should be using and I trust you know it well. I am a total pro at this, so if you don’t, then let me enlighten you:Don't even consider any other. THIS is the one! Well okay. Go for the Ultra Strong, if you must, but you shouldn't.
Have you ever used a public restroom? Then bingo. YOU KNOW THE QUALITY OF TOILET PAPER I’M TALKING ABOUT, HERE. It is totally not for HOME USE! It’s for DESPERATE USE, ONLY. Oh God. I was soooo screwed. So… my solution??
EASY. Save the Charim for MY bathroom and use the bullshit ones for my GUEST bathroom! During a pandemic, why the hell waste my favorite for my sensitive little ass when I can easily pass the inferior ones off on everyone else! Nice planning, right?? I AM sort of kind, however. Whenever a guest uses the bathroom, I DO let them know: OH, BTW… I HAVE SUBSTANDARD TISSUE IN THERE. JUST SAYING. See? I’m not ALL bad. However... there is one little glitch going on here.
UH... GUESS WHO USES THE GUEST BATHROOM MORE THAN ANYONE ELSE ON THE PLANET?? Can you even believe it?? I've got 3 bathrooms here and wouldn't you know it. THE GUEST ONE IS THE ONE CLOSEST TO EVERYTHING I DO IN THE HOUSE! Cook. Watch TV. Use my desktop. Hang in the family room. Let my dog out in the backyard. EVERYthing. Talk about f'ing myself over. I can't beLIEVE I'M the one who wound up using so much of this tissue when it was supposed to be everyone ELSE. It's like I'm in a public restroom 12 times a day! Geez. Regardless...
In closing, all I can add is the fact that YES. There is, without a doubt, a huge difference in toilet paper!! You like scratchy, coarse tissue? Boom. Go for the commercial kind. But, if like me, you like smooth and soft? Well… as I've mentioned before... there’s only one choice on earth.
CONSIDER THIS POST A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT, BTW! You’re welcome.