AFTER THE SHOWER

It’s been a loooong time since I’ve taken an actual bath. When I was a young girl, yes… I took a bath every single night of my life. But somewhere along the line, I switched up to taking a shower every night, instead. I was maybe in junior high school when the change occurred? Who even remembers? And… who the hell even knows when I began wearing a bathrobe after a shower, altogether. Although I think I was pretty old before I stopped merely wrapping a towel around myself when stepping out of the shower. Besides, I always found bathrobes so bulky and heavy and cumbersome but whatever.

Then I turned about 55 and bingo. I couldn’t dare step out from a shower without first grabbing a robe to keep myself warm as the cold air from the bathroom hit me in face and body like an artic freeze. Ever since then, I wouldn’t DREAM of not having my bathrobe right smack there within reach, to put on before I even opened the shower door to exit. The cold air was totally not good after finishing a soothing, nice, hot shower. Besides… why frighten the hell out of anyone in the bathroom lest they be there should I step out nude. Trust me. It’s a scary sight, indeed. In the meantime…

15 years ago I found the bathrobe of my dreams. It was not only white and the perfect weight, but most importantly, it was a button down! I would NEVER use a robe that merely ties around the waist. Nor would I ever use a robe that requires you to first step into it and then have to zip it up. I’m totally a button up kinda girl. And all these years later… the time had finally come to buy a new one.

Which is why it took more than 10 purchases to FINALLY find the right replacement for my 15 year old, beloved getup. I wanted my new robe to be by the same manufacturer. I wanted it to be absorbent but light weight. I wanted it to be button down. And, I wanted it to be somewhat pretty enough. White would have been perfect, but uh… no such luck. Anyway…

I began my search at my local bullshit department store. I say bullshit because I live in a little town thus the major dept. store here is basically just a notch or two up from let’s say: the Dollar General store. Well… okay. Maybe I’m exaggerating a bit, but still… not all THAT much. Anyway… I walked in, found a pretty pale blue in a 1X that would sort of work despite the fact that I really wanted an XL. I kind of figured, just how bad could the next up size be for a robe, anyway? Uh… turns out, apparently alot. In the meantime, I bought it, came home, tried it on and boom. The sizing was crazy! It totally fit like a 5X… if they even make such a size. Wait. I guess they do, especially for people the size of Lizzo. But I am NOT Lizzo, so this sizing was absolutely unacceptable. Bingo. I returned it. Meaning:

Okay. I then had to begin my online search to find just what I  wanted.  As I said: a robe made by the company I wanted, light colored, button down, short length, long sleeves, light weight and decent enough looking. YAY. I FOUND SEVERAL. And on several sites too, ranging from the actual company itself, to Ebay… and everything in between. The end of search was in totally within my sight. Except not so fast.

Oh, I got them delivered, alright. I got 10 in all. Why so many??? Because get this… once again, all were ordered in an XL but also once again… all but 3 were incorrectly sized! Jesus… I was getting robes every other f'ing day until they were coming out my ears! Talk about easy come, easy go. It was NUTS. I so need to march right smack on down to the parent company and ask: WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON  HERE, ANYWAY??? I need to order 10 robes before I can get 3 robes that actually fit according to size?? They’re out of their minds.

Okay. Good enough, I selected the three, which I’ve decided will absolutely last until I kick the bucket altogether and boom. I’ll never need a new robe ever again. Not even when I have to move to the Oldie Goldie Nursing Home. I’ll be the fucking bell of the ball while I’m there.

But until I move there… I’m not the kind of person who comes home, undresses and puts on a house dress or a robe. Granted, I take off my bra within seconds of walking in the door, but that’s about it. Which I guess is why my bathrobe can easily last me 15 years. Each night I brush my teeth. I take a shower. I slip into my robe afterwards. I dry my hair. I take off the robe. I put on my body lotion. I put on my nightgown. YIPPEE. I’M READY FOR BED.

Ready for the big reveal, btw?? FINALLY. 3 bathrobes for the rest of my life! I’ll never had to buy another one EVER. One is hanging on my shower door. Two are hanging in my closet for future years. Thank God I’m not going through THIS again. Best part?? THEY ALL FIT EXACTLY LIKE THEY SHOULD!