Friday, December 26, 2014

THE SANTA SCAM

All day yesterday I thought about kids and Santa Claus. Specifically about kids who think Santa is real. And even MORE specifically.... about kids finding out Santa actually ISN'T a real person. I mean seriously... that can almost totally kill a tot's childhood, don't you think?

For instance... I would love to know what happens when some 6 year old is all psyched about Christmas, ready to sit on Santa's lap to list a slew of things they'd like for gifts, really getting into the holiday spirit, believing every second of the night and day that Santa is a real human being. Only to find out in school one day, when the kid sitting next to him/her in first grade let's say, opens up their mouth and suddenly boom. Ruins the innocent child for a lifetime.  

As in: WHAT?? WTF DO YOU MEAN THERE IS NO SANTA?? WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE'S ONLY MAKE BELIEVE?? WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE'S A FAKE?? WHO THE HELL TOLD YOU SUCH LYING GARBAGE? YOU'RE OUT OF YOUR FRIGGIN MIND, YOU IDIOT. 

Oh boy. This totally has got to be a parent's nightmare while calmly sitting in the carpool line, oblivious to the hell that's about to break loose as soon as their freaked out child climbs in the front seat.    

Not to mention the discussion that will go on in the lunchroom as each classmate confirms... UH... YEAH. SORRY TO BREAK IT TO YOU. SANTA IS A TOTAL LIE. IS NOT. IS SO. IS NOT. Good luck to THAT teacher is all I can say.

Somehow I find it easier for kiddies to swallow the fact the Easter Bunny is fake. Even that the Tooth Fairy is a scam. But their beloved Santa?? Man. That just seems to be to be a major bust out for children if you ask me. Who, come to find out... are usually about the age of 8 before they all pretty much have learned the truth. Uh... way too old in my opinion, but whatever. 

On the other hand, maybe it's not such a horrific rude awakening afterall. I myself don't remember how old I was when I found out Santa wasn't real. Nor who even informed me. Nor any earth shattering after effects from my learning the truth. Nor do I even remember any OTHER kid becoming devastated over the revelation. I do know however....

I ABSOLUTELY don't want to be the person to blow Santa's cover to some kid other than my own. Holy shit. Can you imagine the phone call I'd get from the parent? HOW DARE YOU TELL MY KID SANTA ISN'T REAL?? WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, ANYWAY? IN OUR HOME... SANTA IS COMPLETELY REAL, YOU CREEPY FREAK. YOU GOT THAT??

Because uh... I so could turn out to be the spoiler alert. Which begs the question...


When DO you tell the kid? Well... if it's a kid who's going to be around ME... here's a heads up Mom and Dad. Tell them by the age of five, please. Any time after that, you're uh... taking a major risk in my breaking your child's heart. How the hell would I know if your kid hasn't yet faced the music, anyway?? Besides... I have a warning to all you parents who force your children to sit on Santa's lap while they're screaming from fright. DON'T! DON'T SIT THEM UPON HIM. DO YOU NOT HAVE A CLUE AS TO WHY YOUR KID IS SOBBING WITH HORROR?? ARE YOU NOT SEEING THAT THEY'RE SCARED TO DEATH FROM THIS OVERSIZED STRANGER?? I hate sooo those parents.

What I do think is sweet however, is when there are younger siblings and the older ones inherently just know: NEVER tell the little ones they are holding on to false hope. It's like it's a universal truth: don't tell your baby brother or sister the real facts about Santa. And basically, they never do. Well... until some little spat occurs in the toy box and boom. To hit the little brat hard, they just HAVE to blurt out: 

OH YEAH. AND BTW... NOT ONLY IS ELVIS DEAD BUT ALSO: THERE IS NO SANTA CLAUS. So there. Put THAT in your pipe and smoke it! 

Oops. So much for losing your innocence. Ho Ho Ho.

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