Saturday, April 25, 2015


Or perhaps is standing? Or bending, even? Or moving in any capacity whatsoEVER? If such is the case then guess what? I'm so screwed. Because ever since last Saturday (a week already!) I've basically been in such pain, it's simply ridiculous. Something in my body has gone WAY out of whack. Which basically means that in spite of two doctor visits, several doses of muscle relaxants and God knows what else... I'm not only pretty much home bound and immobile, but also... still in crazy ass pain. 

I don't even  know where to go from here but I better come up with Game Plan C pretty damn quick or else I might be left with nothing else, other than just plain doing myself in. Even the heating pad which gave me some definite relief is now out the window since get this... I now have myself a first degree burn from having applied it way to hot and way too often. Don't ask. I've now got this huge 3 inch blister way on the top of my ass and it's totally not a laughing matter any more, in the LEAST. 

It sort of began last Saturday night I think, when I was doing alot of prep work for a beautiful English Tea Party I had here on Sunday. Everything looked stunning and was pretty much ready to go by Sunday morning. Which is when I woke up and  began to make hordes of lovely tea sandwiches. Definitely the last time I'm doing THAT, btw. Anyway, while standing at my kitchen counter, next thing I know, I'm in MAJor pain with every move my entire body ever made. Seriously. My lower back pain, coupled with spine bones actually cracking everytime I moved or turned, coupled with huge pain in my thighs, all of which rendered me practically immobile. Which was a problem given my guests were to arrive two hours later. But arrive they did.

And yes, the party was great but I was in sheer physical agony the entire time. One look at my face and you couldn't miss the discomfort I was enduring although trust me.... I made no secret of my suffering in the first place. I COULD HARDLY WALK. In fact, by the time 95% of the party was over, I just caved and told everyone... sorry folks. I'm f'ing going to bed. I can't bear it anymore. Sweet dreams!

And off I went. I slept a good two whole hours, too! When I finally woke up, I certainly wasn't tired anymore but I also wasn't feeling all that much better either; which is why you can imagine how THRILLED I was to walk out of my bedroom only to find my entire kitchen had been cleaned and straightened! Ahhhh... the beauty of friends. You have no idea how happy I was because were it left to me alone, it'd have taken until Thursday until I'd have been able to tackle it all. Maybe. As it is... my poor laundry basket is pleading to be washed SOMEtime in the near future.

Anyway... for three more days I endured the constant torment of my body and decided walking, standing, twisting, bending, etc, is kinda important. So I finally went to the doctor on Wednesday. Hallef'inglujah. Besides... I couldn't stand the crunching sound every bone in my back was making all day long. My personal diagnosis was: Polio, but without the paralysis. Although I wouldn't have been surprised had that been next on my list of maladies. Although the doctor's diagnosis was no better given she had no clue why all this was happening. 

She did give me some supposedly major muscle relaxants but I gotta tell you... the relief is only minimal. Which is why next week I'm supposed to make an appointment with a bone and joint doctor, who will take Xrays and hopefully give me some sort of idea when I'll be mobile once again. Is this nuts or what?? One day I'm in tip top shape. Next day I can't move without wanting to scream. Just so damn bizarre, if you ask me. 

It's kinda funny because one day last week I was obligated to bring dinner to a friend who was in a physical therapy facility for several months and as soon as one of the nurses saw me walking in, she asked if I needed a wheel chair. I was like one of the patients! I of course told her no thank you, I'd be fine but believe you me, I'd have LOVED being wheeled into my friend's room. Whatever.

For now however... I just want to be able bend over. Or to stand straight without pain. Or be rid of the burning ache in my lower back. Basically.... just to be mobile. On the other hand... it goes without saying there IS indeed a silver lining to all this. I feel absolutely, perfectly FINE while merely lying in bed, watching TV. Wouldn't you so know it. Which reminds me...

Thank you God for having Shark Tank, Bruce Jenner and Bill Maher on, all in one night. You totally saved me.

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