NOTICE ANYTHING??

Testing. Testing. Can you see me now? Testing. Testing. Uh... NOTICE ANYTHING DIFFERENT?? 

As in: it's summer time! As in: it's time to bring in some new color! Bingo. Mission accomplished.

LIKE MY NEW GLASSES?? Granted... every day of my life some stranger comes up to me and raves about my tortoise shell frames but these? I totally love them as much as the other ones!

It was about a month ago after having lunch next door to the optician's office, that I walked in and browsed around for a bit. Next thing you know I saw these red frames. Not like Sally Jesse thank God, but instead kinda like a translucent sort of happy red color. The minute I saw them I decided: Hey. Wait a minute. Maybe it's time I switch things up a bit with some color for the summer season. Which means in no time at all, I'm speaking to the optician, getting prices, getting the manufacturer, etc. etc.

Turns out the guy tells me this particular frame cost $280. So naturally, since these were to be sort of a fun pair, I took a second to ponder the cost and said: I'll tell you what. First let me see if I can find these online (which I bet the optician does too) and maybe I can order them at a lower price.

Uh... talk about good thinking on my part. Oh I found them alright... for almost half the price no less! Of course the cost of my lenses brought the summer look right smack way up to the top again but hey. There IS a cost for looking spiffy this summer, right? So boom. I got the frames sent to the house, brought them back to the optician, got my prescription put in and boom. There you have it...

My new glasses! I'm so telling you... they are happiest looking pair of glasses I've had in a long time! I particularly like pretending that they maybe even cast a nice rosy color on my cheeks even though I'm pretty sure they don't. But it doesn't matter. I love the look, regardless.

Oh yeah... you like the dopey pretend flamenco look I'm sporting there with the flower in my mouth? Like I'm ready to dance the tango or something? Yeah, well that's not happening anytime soon but it does make me chuckle, I have to admit.

In the meantime, get a load of this... my new alltime favorite love song! Whoa. I've been under a rock or something?? I went NUTS when I first heard it the other day... FINALLY. A LOVE SONG THAT GOES WAY ON TOP OF MY A LIST. I mean seriously. What could be a better way of capturing the sentiment AND has you dancing all over the place! Talk about killing two birds with one stone. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=02lXLiFsRtE 

Then of course when you get back together... you get to dance to another one of my alltime favorites... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SGyOaCXr8Lw 

$1000 and COUNTING

Jesus... this little pet is SOME investment, alright. You have no idea. At the moment I'm just this shy from reaching a cost of... ahem... $1000 for Ollie. Hell.. that's a trip to Europe and back for me! It's totally crazy.

First off the bat was the adoption fee itself. Then of course came all the hordes of pet paraphernalia for the house and the dog. Next came the grooming cost. Next thing you know I'm paying the vet for a checkup and for heartworm and/or flea meds. Just yesterday was the pet insurance payment for a year. And... oh yeah. Throw in the cost of the microchip, too. Then next Thursday comes - boom. The cost for a dog trainer since get this... 

OLLIE HAS SEPARATION ANXIETY!! As in: a friggin' emotional disorder! IS THIS A JOKE???

Can you fucking believe this? Trust me... I was ready to down one Ativan for me AND one to the dog. Don't even ask. We're talking WAY more money than I ever wanted to put into this but hell. Now I'm like at the point of NO RETURN. Talk about unbelievable. In the meantime... 

Turns out Ollie apparently suffered from this diagnosis with his previous owner too. Geez. If it wasn't such a crazy ass kind of canine disorder, it'd almost be funny. Except... I'm NOT laughing. So the deal is:

While I'm at home, Ollie is indeed THE most perfect pet you could ever imagine. But the MINute I leave the house?? WHAMMO. ANXIETY KICKS IN AND OLLIE GOES NUTS. Well, kinda. He doesn't go nuts. He just GOES... RIGHT SMACK ON MY CREAM COLORED CARPETING no less. This whole thing kicks in just seconds after I pull out of the garage I suspect whereby 1-2-3 Ollie escapes from the puppy gate I put up for him. The SECOND, TALLER puppy gate, I might add since he apparently just climbed up and out of my original one. 

It's been like a major comedy of errors everytime I leave my house. I mean it... I OWN A DOG WHO CAN PULL OFF HEISTS??? Totally comical but SO not chuckling, here. It basically all boils down to this: every time I come home from somewhere, in no time at all, I'm cleaning up poop the pup obviously plopped. And you just KNOW this is sooooooo not up my alley! Ergo: my need for Miriam, the dog trainer. This unacceptable separation anxiety has GOT to stop!

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I know... give him treats. Give him toys. Give him his bed. Let him see through the gate so he won't be claustrophobic. Give him. Give him. Give him. My God. The dog is almost like my REAL kid. All I know is that pretty soon, if all this doesn't get rectified and FAST... oh I'll be giving Ollie something, alright. The BOOT. I truly am trying to work all this out but man, it's CRAZY. Oh yeah... I even have a friend who's already offered to take Ollie in case things REALLY go south. However I'm not even going there yet. Keyword: yet.

Because seriously... other than this separation anxiety shit, Ollie is, as I've said a million times over... ABSOLUTELY PERFECT. AND ADORABLE. Thus I'm totally giving this entire deal the ole college try and I truly hope he can get past my leaving the house. Eeks. I'm a prisoner now? I mean really... I only considered Ollie in the first place, given I have a huge back yard to help meet every one of his personal toilet needs. I never even ONCE considered my CARpets having to wind up meeting those needs.


Besides... I've invested lots of money already on behalf of Ollie! Which is why I just think it's so ironic that Ollie is having toilet problems while I'm having financial problems going... where else... right smack down the toilet. Dear God: Please don't make me give Ollie some sort of doggie downers to clear up his separation problems. Better you should give them to ME. Thank you God. Amen.

For afterall... Ollie DOES have the potential of being the world's alltime most fantastic pet. Especially when, as you can see in the picture up above, he's sweetly fast asleep. 

O. M. G. READY FOR THISSSS?

Holy ba holy. You better sit down. THIS IS BIG. REAL big. As in: hell HAS supposedly frozen over. 

MEET OLLIE.

This is just the craziest thing you can ever imagine. I can't even believe it myself. SO ABSOLUTELY NOT LIKE ME since I AM basically a selfish bitch. But apparently things have changed. Unbelievably I might add. Get this...

Last Sunday I participated in something called MITZVAH DAY. A day whereby you do something nice for people. Especially strangers. However in this instance, it wasn't even a person but instead, an organization. Think: the Humane Society. I had some friends who were also participating and they were going there for a couple of hours, to sort of help out in some way. Ergo: I decided to join them. Of course within seconds of my being in the caged dog area of the place I immediately began to gag, so I had to hightail it back to main lobby likety split. But whatever.

The mitzvah we were all to do was to help walk the dogs which once I stopped wanting to throw up, was certainly easy enough. The first dog they brought me was kinda frisky if I remember correctly so boom. Enter: Ollie. Whose original name was Oreo, btw. However I knew I wouldn't be able to live with THAT name at all, so Oreo is now Ollie. Just like me, right? Screw up the dog right off the bat. Anyway...

I walked Ollie for about a half hour or more and all I can tell you is he was just absolutely ADORABLE. So damn sweet and calm and friendly. Just the kind of dog that could make someone who wasn't even looking for a pet think twice. I mean seriously... EVERYone was totally in love with him. And the more I spent time with him the more I thought: whoa. Maybe he'd like living in a pretty comfy home instead of these cages at the Humane Society. Maybe he'd like breathing fresh air most of the time and maybe he'd like scaring off potential robbers and/or rapists.

So one thing led to another and uh... guess what. I picked up Ollie this afternoon. And I am so telling you... HE'S PERFECT. I can't even believe it. He's soooo calm and gentle. Doesn't go running crazy ass all over the place. Doesn't bark when he meets strangers. Doesn't do drama. Doesn't go crazy when he sees other dogs. All of which basically points to the fact: Ollie is proving to be a PERFECT match for me! Best of all... he's totally house trained. YIPPEE. No furniture chewing either.

Before I picked Ollie up I stopped at PetSmart to get him a bed, a leash, a collar, some food and some gourmet treats. Might as well get him used to the good things in life right off the bat, right? Then I headed over to the Humane Society to get my new four legged son and brought him home to show him his new digs so he could bond. So far I think he likes it! I'm dying to ask Ollie, who is 4 years old, how his other home was, but turns out Ollie doesn't speak English all that well. He used to live with some lady who had to move to assisted living which might be sad for her, but man. I think it's pretty damn happy for me. And hopefully for Ollie too.

Bear in mind I am not an animal lover by any stretch of the imagination. On the other hand, I'm thinking Ollie will be wonderful company and of course will also not yell at me should I ever feel the need to bitch and moan and complain. He pretty much has the run of the house so far plus I've left the kitchen door open so he can go back and forth into the backyard should he want. I swear... I think this is totally going to be a win-win situation for the two of us.

Besides, he's pretty cute, huh? Because trust me... were Ollie not cute, I'd not have given him a second's thought. I almost want to say that I also think his previous owner may have had him trained for Ollie never walks in front of me. Always behind me, letting me lead the way which is just the way I like running things around here. We went out for a short little walk earlier and it was great.

In the picture Ollie looks like a small dog, which he is. BUT... oh man is he ever heavy!! I can hardly pick him up! Seriously. He weighs about 30 pounds I think and kinda like me... he totally carries alot of his weight on his bottom. UNlike me though, Ollie is all muscle. Also unlike me he is part Boston Terrier and part Chihuahua. Or so I'm told anyway.


In the meantime... I so hope this works out and frankly, I think it WILL. This has been a perfect first day for the dog and for me so basically... like I said: hell HAS frozen over. Never in a million years would I have ever thought I'd have a dog. Just goes to show... I don't know s@&t about anything anymore.

MILKING IT

Well I guess if there is going to be any one occasion for me to milk something to it's fullest, it may as be one that is in my honor. As in: my birthday! Yippee. I'm now officially another year older in my personal quest for enjoying life. And, I sort of have to say... I'm feeling great. I look decent enough. And I have had zillions of wonderful birthday wishes all day today. So all in all... what a life!

The best wish of course was from my son. Although I do have to admit he DID call at 8:00 a.m. WHAT? DOES HE NOT KNOW ME?? However, I can't really gripe since he was apparently just minutes away from scrubbing up for assisting in some cardiac surgical procedure. Bless his heart. Uh... no pun intended. Then of course came all the Facebook posts, text messages, emails, ecards, snail mails, some great presents and... a stunning flower arrangement that was at my front door when I got home this afternoon. Man. You'd almost think that I was totally loved! Which I must say... I AM. Lucky me.

As you can see... I included one of my favorite cards up above there because when I opened it I simply burst out laughing! What a great card for me! Seriously... my birthday IS a big F-ing deal and I'm thrilled that Hallmark realizes it, too. Obviously so does the person who sent to me. GREAT CALL on the card selection, don't you think?

In fact, it's such a big deal that indeed, I have several happy times all lined up for celebrating. I had a great afternoon lunch today and I went out for an even better Japanese dinner tonight. I even have another celebration dinner lined up for Wednesday night and then two MORE items lined up for whenever I can fit them in later in the week. I know... it's crazy. But then again, I only turn 66 once for God only knows if I'll ever reach 67. So my theory is: milk it for all I can, while I can. Bingo. Mission accomplished.

One thought struck me this morning while I was dressing, btw. I was thinking... wow. I'm the oldest living child my parents ever had. It sort of startled me and as I always say... my parents would FLIP if they knew I was still kicking around, living life so happily and feeling so blessed after 66 years. They of course lived into their mid 80s but I'm totally not sure I'll ever see that. Either literally OR figuratively. Oh yeah... I almost forgot:

The first thing I did after speaking to my kid this morning was check my bedside thermometer. WHAT A PERFECT DAY! TEMP WAS 47 DEGREES when I woke up! The second thing I did, before I opened my email this morning, was to naturally check out my horoscope. I figured I might as well first find out what the hell sort of day my birthday would be like before I got the ball rolling. There was nothing particularly earth shattering on that front, so after reading email, the third thing I did was to go to my closet to choose the same sort of clothing I wear on EVery one of my birthdays: FIND AN ALL WHITE OUTFIT. White is my absolute favorite color so I like wearing it each year, and in no time at all, boom. Outfit was selected. Am still wearing it now, as we speak, btw... in case anyone's interested.

The fourth thing I did today was answer all the incoming calls which I just have to mention... after my son calling, who should be next?? LUZ!! MY ALLTIME FAVORITE PERSONAL ASSISTANT FROM 15 YEARS AGO!! Luz calls every year and a birthday wouldn't be the same if I didn't hear from her. So yay. My day was off to a very happy start. And the good news... it ended just as happy as it began.


All I can say is: I am sooo very blessed to have so many wonderful loved ones in my life. Especially those who help celebrate my birthday with me. Maybe THAT'S the reason it's such a big F-ing deal every year. For it gives me a chance to be reminded of just how damn lucky I really am. Or... on the other hand... 

Maybe it's such a big deal because I SO love having my very own birthday cake! White cake with white icing. Yeah. That's the ticket. Now I know for SURE it's my birthday! Bottom line? Thank you to everyone who helped bring a smile to my face today and who send such sweet wishes my way every day. After all... according to the Linda School of Happy Events... my birthday is ALways major big deal. 

  

BEHIND THE SCENES

Totally not like me... setting my alarm clock for 7:00 on a Saturday morning. Well unless I have a plane to catch let's say. However on last Saturday I was flying no where.

Instead I headed out to get all the flowers ready for a wedding that Larry, my pretend boss, was doing for a 10:00 church service. After having worked lonnnng hours last week in prepping all the boutonnieres, corsages, a whole damn bunch of cotillion wristlets, Mother's Day orders, etc. my job on Saturday was to get to church, bringing along the bridal party flowers and the groomsmen's boutonnieres, making sure everything was pinned on correctly and that basically... everyone was good to go for the wedding vows. Bingo. Mission accomplished.

After that I was to then head over to the country club where Larry and his team of muscle men were setting up the all the pedestals, floral arrangements, table center pieces, etc. AND... setting up the fantastic cake display. Which naturally was my favorite part of the day. All this had to be done while the actual wedding ceremony was taking place since the post wedding brunch was to begin at around 11:30 or so. Again... bingo. Mission accomplished.

Which meant when I walked into the dining room where the wedding party was to be all I could think to myself was: Oh man. Just BEAUTIFUL! Seriously... you should have SEEN this room. Talk about having an exquisite reception. The flowers were STUNNING so I immediately whipped out my camera and began shooting away. Not to be confused with the REAL photographer for the event mind you, but more so for Larry to be able to use for suggestions to other perspective brides. I totally loved this part. SO up my alley. Which is why I had this picture taken of me behind the scenes, DYING to chomp right down on one of about 125 cupcakes! They were BEAUTIFUL. As you can see up there in the picture where we captured the moment for all of posterity.

The very top tier is holding the bride and groom's wedding cake. Then the rest of the tiers were holding a bunch of the cupcakes, with all the rest being laid out on the table. Chocolate, vanilla and strawberry. I am telling you, not only were the cakes absolutely beautiful but I am SURE they were the most delicious thing I almost, but obviously couldn't, have tasted. No wonder btw... they were all baked by one of THE best bakeries in town. Trust me. It took all the restraint I could muster not to run back to the kitchen and beg for an extra cupcake, should they have had one.

Okay. So that was all done. A few hours later in the afternoon, it was then time to break down the flower displays after the party. Which is when Larry asked the two guys and myself if anyone could drive a stick shift. No said Nick. No said Charles, YES SAID LINDA. Granted it's been 35 years since I've driven one, but who's counting. Which meant I WAS THE ONE who had to drive Larry's new little boxy coupie kind of car to go help retrieve all the items. ARE YOU KIDDING ME??

Oh man.... I soooo wished you could have seen me trudging along the streets here shifting into one gear after another, having NO CLUE WHATSOEVER where the AC button was, where the radio button was and once it began drizzling, where the windshield wiper button was! IT WAS CRAZY. However, not so crazy that I couldn't deliver the goods so whammo. I drove and met the boys and together we got everything loaded. BTW... how far away from returning to the flower shop you think I was before I FINALLY found the windshield wiper switch?? Think: ONE BLOCK. Geez.


In the meantime, the wedding was great, the reception was beautiful, the reviews of all the flowers were exciting AND... the car got back to Larry all in one piece. Oh yeah... last point. By 10:30 that night I was in bed, totally exhausted, fast asleep and all ready for the prep work this week for the NEXT wedding. Which is tomorrow, should anyone give a damn. 

WHAT THE HELL??

If you're a little old lady, the church going type who rarely swears and never goes down on your man then... uh... don't ever go to see Miley Cyrus in concert. You'd choke on her shenanigans. I of course am far from a church going lady but even I had to take a second look at the props she recently had on stage one night in London.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? GIVING A BLOW JOB DURING YOUR CONCERT IS ACCEPTABLE NOWADAYS? ON A BLOW UP DOLL, NO LESS?? Holy shit.

I totally wished my brother were still alive btw, to see what the hell has happened to music lately. He wouldn't believe it. Although I'm pretty sure he happily do a double take, much like I did when I saw this particular shot. I'm telling you... this girl has gone WAY too far if you ask me. Besides. I hate her guts ever since she completely ruined Robin Thicke's time on stage at the MTV Awards last year with that stupid f'ing foam finger and her equally disgusting tongue routine. Oh yeah... I'd also love for Bob to now see that performers are way into wearing only bras and g-strings on TV. But whatever.

Apparently that MTV performance was nothing however compared to the night Miley was in London. And mind you... this was only one prop of many that Miley used on stage that evening. She was also kinda humping a HUGE blow up of a male member, if you catch my drift. I mean seriously. We all get it. As George Michael likes to remind us: SEX IS NATURAL. SEX IS FUN. SEX IS BEST WHEN IT'S ONE ON ONE.

And I'm definitely in George's corner on this BUT MILEY? Man oh man. She SO needs to get a grip on what's sexy and what isn't. Beyonce sexy?? Definitely. Miley sexy? I'd rather throw up. Although I must admit... she does get an A in the twerking department but that doesn't even count anymore.

Regardless... when I saw this picture I totally had to blog about it. Not because I love it, but more because she's taken things way too far if you ask me. I mean... who IS her target audience anyway?? I guess it must be 14 year olds although I don't really think 14 year old teeny boppers need to be hit with all this fellatio bullshit. Nor with any freakishly horrible looking tongue hanging out, ready to lick anything on the planet, right smack in plain sight. Maybe the clergy is right... SOME things do need to be sheltered in the privacy of one's own home. Like Miley's entire existence for example. So far it's looking like the idiot Justin Bieber has finally met his match.

Now don't get me wrong. I am FAR from a prude, so that's not really an issue for me. I love suggestive. I love sexy. I love tease. But Miley has got it so terribly wrong that I feel badly for the teens who worship her. It's like she's proudly promoting the notion that THE FILTHIEST SLUT IMAGE POSSIBLE IS SUDDENLY QUEEN FOR THE DAY or something. Which is crazy since according to the Linda School of Turn On's, sex and seduction and music has wholly been lost on Miley. There are ZILLIONS of women who promote sexy soooooo much better than this Cyrus blow up crap.


Talk about a Wrecking Ball. And no... I don't mean Miley's #1 hit from... what a surprise... her Bangerz Album. I mean Miley herself. 

LIFE LINE

Husbands? Boyfriends? Kids? Friends? Relatives? Please. If I really really had to, I guess I could do without one or two of these. Although I obviously wouldn't want to. 

However... what I absolutely CAN'T do without is: house help and/or my personal assistant. Bonnie and Teresa definitely move to the top of my A list for I swear to God, THEY are the ones who keep me grounded and give order to what you could basically call my pretty ordinary life. I'd be f'ing lost without the two of them.

Seriously. I'd rather starve than not spend money on those who help me run my life and home. They are my life line, for sure. Mind you... I am always the absolute responsible leader for everything, knowing exactly what is going on and what needs to be taken care of but without help in organizing my household?? I'd be VERY unhappy.

Granted, I once mistakenly called the police on Teresa one winter morning about 4 years ago, but that's only because I thought a burglar had broken into my house and disarmed my alarm and was robbing me blind. Turns out of course it was Teresa merrily going about her business, cleaning my kitchen, when the police shined a light onto her. That's a whole other story, however. I even blogged about it way back when for I'm totally telling you... it was one of my alltime scariest moments ever. Jesus. What an idiot I was that morning. Anyway...

What I haven't blogged about... until now... is Bonnie. That's her you see up in the picture. Bonnie is the last in a line up of about 5 different personal assistants I've had in the past 20 years. And I've adored them all. There is no way I could have lived a life of calm and serenity without a one of them. Apparently... left on my own, I'm a friggin' mental mess. Even to this day, Luz calls me on my birthday every year.

For years and years I naturally managed my entire household on my own. When it was hardest, too. When all the kids were still young, when my hubby was first beginning his practice, when I even had live in help for five years, let's say. I took care of EVERYthing basically on my own. Kinda. Even when I was still working part time. Then one day my girlfriend Beth said to me: OMG. I'M SO THRILLED. I HIRED A PERSONAL ASSISTANT WHO COMES IN ONCE A WEEK AND WHO DOES EVERYTHING I HATE AND... I'VE NEVER BEEN HAPPIER.  

That's all I had to hear. What?? NO MORE HAVING TO RUN ERRANDS? NO MORE HAVING TO ISSUE CHECKS EACH MONTH? NO MORE HAVING TO DO MY GROCERY SHOPPING? NO MORE HAVING TO TALK TO INSURANCE COMPANIES?? NO MORE HAVING TO RESOLVE BILLING ISSUES WITH ANY COMPANY?? Totally count me in!

Which is how I started with Lorena, worked up to Luz, Delinda, Pat and now arriving at Bonnie. Man. I finally found heaven here on Earth. Bonnie is absolutely perfect for me. She does all the bullshit I hate on the phone, she does what I need regarding errands and best of all, she totally calms me down when I get crazed. She once left me a wonderful note, like a loving Mother would do, telling me to relax and enjoy the day after I became NUTS from AT&T one day. She is like my personal PMS specialist. Of course NOW there is no longer a PM deal going on, but trust me... it's effects can apparently still be brought to the surface every now and then, regardless. Whatever.

All I can tell you is that Bonnie is one of the sweetest, most patient people you'd ever meet. She has this notion in her head that if anything ever happened to her, I'd be able to manage just fine, which is SO not true. For believe you me, if God forbid anything ever happened to Bonnie, I'd be lost. Of course I DID have to carry on alone for four months when Bonnie had partial knee replacements a couple years ago but I guarantee you... I was counting the DAYS until her return. Seriously. When the day comes that Bonnie says to me OH YEAH. JUST WANT TO TELL YOU I'M MOVING you can bet your sweet ass that I'll have to slit my wrists imMEDiately. Same thing for Teresa, now that I think of it.


For I must admit... I can handle plenty of adversity when needed. And, indeed I have. But when it comes to maintaining balance in my personal life, I SO need the grounded help Bonnie offers. Left to own resources, heaven only KNOWS in what state I'd find myself. DEAR GOD: PLEASE DON'T EVER MAKE ME HAVE TO LOSE TERESA OR BONNIE. IF SO... I JUST MAY BE SEEING YOU WAY SOONER THAN I THOUGHT. THANK YOU GOD. AMEN.  

MINT JULEP, ANYONE?

So guess where I was last Saturday. Uh... about 6:00 in the evening, let's say. Need a hint? Think: women's hats. Give up? 

I was at a KENTUCKY DERBY PARTY, of course! 

Which naturally meant: a festival of hats. Actually, the only rival I can think of where hats take center stage is probably: on Easter.  

Unfortunately you can't see my entire hat here, but no big deal. It wasn't anything to necessarily to write home about although it was perfectly acceptable and maybe even sorta pretty. Regardless... what I love about the picture up above is how the shot is framed. You know... with just the rim of the hat showing. Something about it just knocks me out.

What I loved even more  however, is... as we walked up to the entrance of the party, boom. A lady was there handing out champagne!! Now THAT'S what I call a fantastic way to begin a party, alright. In the meantime, I'm going to guess that there were what? Maybe a couple hundred people there? Well... maybe not that many but whatever. In the meantime, I'm thinking that then, half of the folks were women and pretty much all of them had on their own hats. Which makes me wonder... if there were almost a hundred hats... why wasn't there at least ONE that absolutely just took my breath away??? Why no out and out to die for's? I don't get it. For the truth be told... I don't remember even one hat simply screaming: TOTALLY FABULOUS. Including my own, I might add.

But it all matters not. For it happened to be a pretty happy party anyway, beginning of course with watching the Derby itself. We all had a chance to wager our bets, but I decided... Hey. If I can't win at bingo, why the hell would I imagine I'd win at the Kentucky Derby? Although way before the betting was closed, the guy next to me DID tell me the number five horse was going to win. SHIT. IT DID WIN! Which means I could have easily gone to wager on it and then come home with some nice bucks in my purse. Talk about the story of my life. Anyway...

After the race was run, then yippee. Time for dinner. Which as you know, takes very little to please me. But I will admit the tenderloin was pretty damn good and the desserts were pretty damn tasty. As it happens, btw... I never did taste the mint juleps but that's only because it's made with bourbon and never in my life could I ever down bourbon. I did have some other icy type concoction however... made with vodka maybe??... and it was totally delicious.  

Okay. So the first leg of a possible Triple Derby has been run. And I have to admit I have ALways loved watching these particular races. Especially when watching the owners go nuts seeing the chances of their own horses winning, going higher and higher as they round the final part of the track. Talk about an adrenalin rush.

For now... I just have to wait until the Preakness and then the Belmont Stakes are run. If all this turns out to actually have a Triple Crown winner then... YIPPEE. I'LL BE SO DAMN THRILLED. Not to mention: shocked. I mean seriously... I was out of my mind watching Secretariat. 

Oh yeah... in case you're interested... the year I was born, Citation won all three races, too.

LET'S PLAY BARBIES

You can't imagine how many times a little girl might hear this happy suggestion up there in the title, when playing with another little girl. I had a Barbie at some point and of course I had little girlfriends. However I must also admit I myself rarely invited a friend to play Barbie since I never really got into the Barbie Doll craze all that much in the first place. Even when Ken came onto the scene, it was a non event for me.

In reality I never got all much into playing with dolls of ANY kind. Crayons and bike riding, yes. Hopscotch definitely. But Barbies? Man... I bet that held my attention for all of 15 minutes at a clip. I never collected lots of doll clothes either. I don't know what was wrong with me but I just never felt much like sitting on the floor, bouncing a doll all over the place pretending she was a princess off to the ball. Too bad I don't have my 1950's Barbie anymore btw, given I am pretty sure that mine would probably have brought in some mighty nice bucks nowadays.

ON THE OTHER HAND...

Okay. So I wasn't a Barbie freak. But just take a look at the "other" Barbie up there in the picture... although I'm sure many of you have already seen it. It's kinda like an updated version to match the 21st century. Now THAT Barbie I can relate to! Hers is a figure that pretty much resembled what I looked like as an 8 year old. As round as I was tall. Although I can almost promise you my mother would have never bought such a doll for me since she'd never want to actually promote my life long battle of carrying an 20 extra pounds. Just what she needed. TWO chubbettes in the family.

But then again... for little girls today who are as chubby as I was? Man... they must be thrilled to have a Barbie lookalike such as this. Not that I'm even sure they're on the toy store shelves, but still. Besides... according to all the current statistics, Barbie's measurements are like impossible for any human woman to even begin to mimic. The chubby Barbie on the other hand... bingo. Many a little girl can identify.  

The funny thing is that while I spent SO much of my youth trying to have a "figure" it was when I turned 40 that I decided once and for all FUCK IT. I wasn't born with a hot body and I'm never going to have a hot body. Unless of course for the times when I would down amphetamines for 3 months straight. Which I did and whose fantastic effects lasted maybe just another 3 months. Thus.... I completely called it quits in the dieting department and haven't looked back since. Now I'm not saying I purposely TRIED to put on weight, but I simply decided that I'm not going to waste time and energy any longer in starving myself to have a look that wasn't me in the first place.

Also... don't get me wrong. I totally try to eat healthy... french fries being my down fall... but if I put on an extra 3 pounds I don't go crazy in working to take them right off within days. Eventually I get back to my normal weight and I'm happy as a lark once again. Seriously. Women my age who STILL count every single calorie that goes into their mouth are nuts if you ask me. In my mind... eating whatever the hell makes you happy is an absolute right of passage at this point. I DO try to exercise properly mind you, but again... if it means fanatical work outs, then forget it. I'll totally stay chubby.


Which brings me back to the two Barbies. The glamorous one and the realistic one. If you fall into the glamorous category then lucky you and you're probably a major bitch. If you're more like me though, and fall into the realistic one then yippee. Call me up and maybe I'll suggest "let's play Barbies". For trust me... I'll have plenty of goodies on the side table to keep us and our dolls perfectly happy. 

SPOT THE PROBLEM

EVERY damn time I see this picture I laugh right out loud. I mean... really?? This speaks well for the store?? I can only imagine that you too, can spot the problem in a heartbeat... much like I did. Jesus. Talk about crazy.

So here's the deal. I had to go to Pier One a few weeks ago to pick up some large sized items. Which naturally meant I had to drive around to the back of the store to meet the salesperson at their delivery/pick up door. Which I did.

As SOON as I got there and had my car in position for the loading, I noticed a problem imMEDiately. You do see it, right??

WHAT?? AN EMPTY LIQUOR BOTTLE RIGHT SMACK OUTSIDE THEIR DOOR?? THIS IS WHAT YOU CALL A COFFEE BREAK NOWADAYS?? You so have to be kidding me!

Which is why as soon as I saw it and way before I rang the button there on the wall, I grabbed my camera and snapped this picture. That way I'd have no problem bitching to the home office should I encounter any trouble from the help, if you catch my drift. I was just so damn SHOCKED when I saw this. And... the bottle's EMPTY. Which of course I have imagine can only mean one thing: SOMEone in the store is plenty drunk. And I guess... SOMEone inside is making a major mess in sales for the day. Can you imagine??

When I rang the bell to have my items loaded in the car, I can't even remember whether or not I even told the salesperson about their slight problem sitting there against the wall. For which I'm pretty sorry about, for now THAT would have been one hell of a conversation, alright. Regardless... the fact that someone had even left such evidence way out in the open just makes me giggle like you can't imagine. And... makes me very uneasy. I'm what? Dealing with drunks while shopping?? Holy shit. On the other hand... NO WONDER all the sales help in Pier One are so very accommodating!

Which is totally true, btw. You've shopped in this store before? I've been there plenty over the years and I can honestly tell you... there is almost NOTHING the people there won't do to make you a happy customer. It's a total pleasure when shopping there. Of course now I know why. What I REALLY should have done is run right out to a liquor store and REPLACED the bottle with a brand new full one. Only to then see... how long it would take for it to become empty again! Just the thought of it makes me laugh.


In the meantime, all my items got loaded into the car perfectly fine so I have no reason whatsoever to complain. Nor do I have anyone I need to turn in to the higher ups. However... should I ever FIND the person who has taken to the bottle so openly, I will definitely make sure I get them to write up my sales ticket. I swear... in addition to their wishes to make my shopping such a happy experience, I bet they will also definitely give me the best pricing possible. Talk about win/win.

THE GLORY OF SPRING

So I have a friend who decided to make the big move a few months ago... he opened his own flower shop! I was really psyched for him and for his Grand Opening he asked me to take pictures of all the festivities. And trust me... there were festivities, alright. Way better than I could have ever imagined.

I had not seen the shop until the day of the opening and when first I walked in I was totally blown away. I swear... I thought I was in Manhattan or something. The shop was SO STUNNING I couldn't believe it. I fell in love with it immediately. There is simply nothing like it here, in our little baby town in Western North Carolina.

First of all, the shop is decorated just so beautifully. Kinda like Paris meets elegant rustic mountain living. There are lots of home accessories but most of all, the flower selections are to die for. And as for my friend's floral arrangements?? Don't even ask. THE most stunning colors and varieties you've ever seen. Which naturally means the store's opening was a huge success. And... the pictures came out GREAT if I say so myself. Plus... the food?? OMG. I downed some of the most delicious foods ever that day. So up my alley. Oh yeah... there's a picture of me up above there, taken at the party. Nice flowers, right?? My friend brings a whole new meaning to: GORGEOUS. You should have SEEN what he created for Valentine's Day and Easter! In the meantime...

A couple of weeks after the opening, my friend then asked me to please do him a huge favor for a wedding he was doing two days later. The favor was easy as pie... to please sew the seams to six long table runners that he would then use on some black pillars at the event. I naturally said I'd be happy to help so I then quickly figured out the easiest way to tackle this and bingo. The job was done.

The whole time I was working on the runners, I kept thinking about how exciting it must be to be a part of such happy occasions since as you know... weddings are by far my favorite celebrations. Therefore, when I brought the finished items to him, I told my friend I'd be happy to help any time he needed an extra pair of hands. For seriously... what could be better than working amongst beautiful flowers for beautiful occasions. Boom. I've been helping out ever since.

The entire set up is PERFECT for me. I don't have to be there at any special time. I don't have switch up play time with my friends and most of all, I don't even have to miss my happy nap time if I don't want. I mean seriously... what could be better for me? So... for the past several weeks, I've been going into the flower shop for a few hours a day and have been learning just what great planning, projects, etc. goes into being a florist. A FANTASTIC florist I might add. I totally love when the customers come in and hear them rave about how absolutely magnificent the work is. And get this... I even swiped some credit cards for their purchases! Well... wait a minute. Let me rephrase: I've even helped to complete their credit card orders. Whew. Big difference. Anyway...

I've also been able to help out on some of the display preparations for the store even though granted... any 10 year old could definitely do what I did. It's not like anyone would EVER confuse my contributions with my friend's creations, but who's counting. I've also helped to edit the website which will be up and running by next week I believe.

The bottom line is: I'm actually having a great time lending a helping hand. It kills plenty of time for me in the afternoons and I'm getting a chance to see a master at work. Plus, I get to go help with setting up the arrangements for events although I do have say... Mother's Day weekend there is a huge affair coming up and uh... I may be out of town for it. I know... just when I may REALLY be needed, I bail. But so be it.


For now... all I can say is it's simply a totally wonderful way to help someone out and enjoy a part of my day as well. Plus... the Spring flowers now are just so stunning, it takes my breath away. The community here has embraced this new store so enthusiastically and for that, I'm so thrilled. Oh yeah... I Googled LILIES the other night. Have any clue how many varieties there are?? Oh man... don't even ask. I will ask this however:

How'd YOU like to receive an arrangement like THIS one?? Outstanding, right?? Didn't I tell you??

GENETICS

My Mother used to be sooo fascinated with genes. It was always amazing to her that they could be so strong in people, from one generation to another. Case in point... supposedly I have my Father's nose. I was told ever since I was baby, that I looked just like my Dad but in particular, that I have his nose. And believe it or not... I almost have to say that my son ALso happens to sorta have my nose. Ergo: the nose genes apparently have indeed flowed from one generation to the next. What's also freaky is that my brother's daughter was always told that she looked exactly like my sister! It was nuts... at times people thought maybe Claudia and Laura were sisters. Which is good, for Claudia and I look absolutely nothing alike. But whatever.

In the meantime, I was at fancy party a few months ago and up above you can see a picture that was taken of me while there. Yes, I was having a fantastic time and in fact I was having SUCH a great time that I even decided to drink a glass or two of wine. Something I RAREly do. But what the hell... I figured it'd be fun to shake things up a bit. 

However... neither the party nor the wine nor the fun is what conjured up any party memories when first I saw this photo. What DID strike me more than anything ELSE was: OMG. MY HANDS LOOK EXACTLY LIKE MY MOTHER'S!! Honestly. It just totally blows my mind. I have legs like my Mother too, but in this picture it's the hands that startles me. I never ever before would have thought such a clone of Mom's hands would one day become mine.

My take is: age is probably what's responsible for this identical lookalike deal. For when I was young, my hands looked very much like that of a young, happy go lucky sort of woman. But now that my hands... fingers in particular... have begun to be those of an almost 66 year old woman, bingo. MOM ALL OVER AGAIN! It's crazy. And btw... up until the year before my Mother passed away, she had a manicure every week of her adult life. ME, TOO. But eventually, apparently even with manicures, both our skin began to age, both our knuckles began to look older and probably some arthritis even began to affect our bone structure in our fingers. I just think this is SO damn amazing. I would kill to still have my Mom around now so I could actually show her the freakish resemblance.


Besides, my Mom would probably be tickled pink that I got all dolled up for this party. For she too, loved getting all dressed up for happy times. And of course for flirting with hilarious men. Even though now that I think of it... Mom ALSO had a completely flat ass, JUST LIKE MINE. Damnit. Now there's a case alright where genetics did NOT work in my favor. Because in this instance, with the genes of "no ass" going on, who the hell can possibly look good in... uh... a pair of hot rockin', sexy jeans??? Oh man... in my next life I SO pray I have a tight, shapely, round looking ass! And of course, a tiny waist. Oh yeah. And a hard rock belly, too. 

CROWN VS CROWN

How much do I love this sentiment?? Isn't the concept just PERFECT for me?? You can't imagine how thrilled I was when first I saw it. FINALLY. SOMEONE GETS IT. For trust me... if ever there a woman who would love living in an opulent palace with my knight in shining armor, let alone ruling some fantastic realm, it would so be me. DEAR GOD: IN MY NEXT LIFE PLEASE LET ME HAVE SEVERAL WONDERFUL LADIES IN WAITING WHOSE WISH IS BUT MY COMMAND. THANK YOU, GOD. AMEN.

On the other hand in THIS life, I can merely dream. I can also swoon. As in: swooning over the most adorable royal baby ever. I am telling you... I just can't WAIT til Prince George is a couple years older, walking and talking. Am I the only one btw, who thinks he looks exactly like Queen Elizabeth did as an infant? It's uncanny if you ask me. But... I digress.

Getting back to my dentist. The craziest thing was going on with what apparently were problems with my salivary gland a few weeks ago. I spent about a month with my dentist sending me to one doctor who sent me to another who ordered a CT SCAN only to be sent to a final doctor who told me my salivary gland seemed to be clogged and therefore created this disturbing baby bump in my neck. Happily the scan told us the node was benign thus began his pretty easy directions for helping it to subside somewhat in size.

It's still there, but that's probably because of the 5 directives the doctor told me to do, I decided to do only the 2 easiest ones. But who's counting. Oh wait... I did happily suck on the sugar free lemon drops he told me to get and I must say... they were the most DELICIOUS medicine I've ever been prescribed. Regardless, I do have to point out however that... I know, surprising... neither my dentist nor the neck surgeon mentioned the fact I absolutely deserve to be wearing a regal crown. Man. Talk about not knowing their patient, at ALL.

As it happens however, who needs them since I DO have several crowns, not counting the couple I probably have in my mouth. For instance, every year my sister in law buys me a crown pin. I also have a few home accessories with crowns on them. Plus I have a couple actual beautiful diamond like tiaras to wear on my head. That's the good news. 

The bad news is I can hardly think of one event to which I could ever actually wear any of them other than on Halloween, let's say. Unfortunately the English royal court has yet to issue me an invitation to any of their get togethers. Which is totally a shame since I've got my jewels already all lined up for such an event should the invite ever arrive. But whatever.

In the meantime, I so have to get this picture up above framed and hung in my house sometime soon. It makes me smile every damn time I look at it. Of course I'll have to redo the colors in it since purple and pink are not quite what I'm going for in the home decor department. Plus I'm not 12 years old anymore. And even then, purple was never ever a color with which I bonded too well. I DID bond with the queen concept right smack off the bat... just not with her regal purple.


So the bottom line to all this?? Whomever came with these fine words of wisdom, I do have to say a major thank you! The idea that someone totally gets how I surely deserve a crown is SO spot on. Uh... not to be confused with the ones my dentist already put on my teeth many years ago. 

SOS

Okay... so yeah, I know. I look pretty crappy here in my bullshit nightgown with no bra, but that's not what we're going to focus on at the moment. Instead, we're going zero in on the necklace. The necklace that gives my son peace of mind that maybe I won't be found dead, lying on the floor somewhere in my house for hours and hours.

Hopefully, I'll be lying on the floor for only mere moments since THIS necklace is my survival technique of sorts. Actually it's the little black button in the middle of it that may save my life. 

It all started about six months ago maybe when my kid was home for the weekend. We decided maybe it would be a good idea to get one of those alert devices so as to hopefully cut my death chances in half. Also, so I won't be one of those people who've fallen and then can never get up. That's where this cheapo looking piece of jewelry comes in.

It's really kinda cool, actually. Well, since I switched up the alert WATCH to the alert NECKLACE, that is. Anyway... first we searched the web to try to figure out which company would offer the best service for the best cost. It was pretty easy to narrow it down and boom. Next thing you know, about an hour later the monitor and necklace were in the mail and on it's way to me. Of course I waited a few months til the next time my kid was home before we actually set it all up and then tested the deal. But sure enough... it worked. Yippee. Maybe I won't die afterall. So basically here's how it works...

I can be in any room of the house, have a medical emergency and then push the button in the middle of the necklace. Bingo. That's when monitor supposedly kicks in and calls the main station for me, who then calls me back to see if they can hear my voice. If so, then I tell the people what sort of emergency I may have. If they can't hear my voice however, then quick! they send help. Well... if they don't screw up, that is.

It' kinda like a no brainer and as far as I can tell, there is only one possible glitch. That being... my inability to actually hear like I used to. What I mean is: should I fall let's say somewhere in the family room then bingo. I can hear the person on the monitor perfectly fine. But the farther I get from the monitor the less I can hear, which means when the person is yelling to me LINDA. LINDA. ARE YOU DEAD??... I may or may not be, depending if I'm like in my bathroom with my Kindle blaring. In this scenario... my earballs definitely have to struggle to hear whoever is on the phone. Which means I could be kicking the bucket altogether. OR it means: I just can't hear over the Kindle, TV or whatever.

But luckily I still won't die. Why?? Because if they get no response from me since I may not hear what the fuck they're saying... GOOD NEWS. They'll send out an ambulance lickety split! It's kinda like a win-win situation.


Naturally you're supposed to test the system periodically but so far I never have. Maybe to test the battery or something. But testing aside... I do wear this charmless necklace almost every night when I go to sleep. Of course you're supposed to wear it ALL THE TIME when you're home alone, but I just figured my impending death will most likely happen after I take my nightly shower. Besides... talk about unattractive jewelry. Who the hell wants to wear THAT so damn often. 

As opposed to the other little necklace you also see in the pict. That necklace is one I never take off and wear everyday of my life, under my clothing. It's basically what they call a "gratitude necklace" and it's two symbols are to supposedly remind me of how grateful I am for the life I have, given I am "in need of nothing". Which is pretty arguable now that I think of it, but still... I so love it. In the meantime, if the gratitude necklace doesn't kick in, then let's just hope the alert necklace will. Either way... I'm definitely covered. 

Well... except for one of the incredibly stunning necklaces I wear every day on the outside of my clothing. Case in point: as we speak, I'm wearing a beautiful 46" long necklace of huge grey pearls and baby black balls which I made few weeks ago. Looks amazing over by sparkly black sweater!

4/14/14

Just had to blog this title since I totally love the date and wanted to have something for posterity to remember it by. 4 is one of my two alltime favorite numbers and boom. Today's date has it all. My first favorite number, btw, is 2. Which only means... come 2/2/22,I had better high tail it over to my closest lottery dispenser. If only. On the other hand... I said 4 and 2 are my FAVORITE numbers. Not necessarily my LUCKY ones. Anyway... 

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I know. I haven't been doing alot of blogging lately and several of you have been getting on my case about it. I've been either so damn lazy or so damn busy. Take your pick. I will say this however... all in the Land of Linda has been mighty spiffy and for that, I am ever so grateful. As soon as I can, I shall be posting the entries that are still in the draft mode and bingo. I'll once again be sharing all the stupid little tidbits of my life.

Yippee. I remembered to call my accountant today to ask for an extension. Whew. 

DISASTER AVERTED

Oh man... I was so on the path of a major fiasco. I can't believe I even had the restraint to nip it in the bud before God only knows what might have happened but thank God I did.

Turns out I'm cheap. Well, sorta. Most of the time I'm willing to pay higher than list but who's counting. Yet when it comes to coloring my hair, I totally cheap out. Everyone else I know pays zillions of dollars to have their roots colored each month and frankly, they're happy to do so. I never was.

Thus for the past 25 years I've always colored my hair MYSELF. First of all, it's easy to do. Second of all, I can do it any damn time I want, day or night. Third of all, as I said... I'm cheap. Which basically means: who the hell needs to pay a hair salon when I've got my own right smack in my own beautiful bathroom. Besides...

Only once in all these years did I ever have a significant color problem in the outcome. Naturally, btw, it was the night before I was heading out on a trip to Myrtle Beach so obviously I just decided to go with the flow and learn to love my charcoal colored hair. A far cry from blonde, I might add.

In the meantime... tonight could have been so much worse. I have no clue what was wrong... the packaging, the expiration date of the color, or what. BUT... what I do know is that when I mixed the color with the developer there was NO way I saw a light colored cream solution. Instead... I saw a color that definitely resembled Lucy Arnez Red! Whoa. Are you kidding me? That's going to make my hair blonde when applied?? I so can't see that happening. Although trust me... I was but this far from taking the chance. 

Forget Lucy... I could have wound up with Kelly Osborne magenta for all I knew. Not at ALL the Champagne Blonde I was going for. I swear... I thought I was looking at a brown brick color that was nothing like any mixture I had ever seen before. You can see for yourself in the picture up above.

So whew. Reality kicked in just in time and I finally decided: STOP. STOP NOW. DON'T EVEN THINK IT. APPLYING THIS COLOR SO CAN'T TURN OUT GOOD. Which of course is too bad, since basically, that was $10 thrown out the window but fast. But I definitely did the right thing. For in no time at all...

I got out yet another box of the same coloring mix and voila`. THIS time the coloring solutions came together in the regular looking light beige sort of color IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE and I knew... bingo. I'd have my normal blonde hair once again. And sure enough... blonde I got. Talk about walking right up the edge of a cliff without going over. Yippee. No disaster, afterall.


So basically I wasted $10 on the first box that was going to for sure, destroy my hair. On the other hand, I saved at least $50 by doing it all at home rather than in a salon. So as I see it... in the end, I saved $40. Nice rationalizing, right? Yay. Now I can go buy something with the money I made.

I'M SO IN LOVE

Geez... I can't even believe I am actually able to tear myself away from the newest love of my life to write this entry in the first place. I can barely stand the separation. It's totally crazy. So what IS this new love of mine??

MY NEW iPAD AIR!!

Seriously. It's so great. I've had an iPad for maybe six years already?? It was the first generation. But this NEW one I have? The iPad Air?? MAjor improvement.

I basically only used my old one for when I traveled and it was perfect for such a need. But this one I'm using everytime I freakin' sit down in front of the TV. I'm addicted! The first day I was downloading new apps up the kazoo. The second day I was learning all the apps. The third day I was practicing everything I learned. Ever since then, I have just been bonding with it, playing and relaxing. For HOURS I might add.

Case in point: I was busy playing QuizUP given... get this... there's a game for DOWNTOWN ABBEY, FRIENDS, AND SEINFELD. Way up my alley. I've watched every episode of each of these shows, over and over and over again on re-runs so boom. I sorta knew what I was doing. Then there is a game for definition of words. And for spelling. Again, up my alley. After a couple of those games, I was then playing with the National Geographic's World Atlas, which could well be my alltime favorite app, and was STUNNED at how fascinating it is. I've always loved maps but this app is like a huge globe that zooms in wherever you want and its truly incredible. I am able to study countries all OVER the place. Countries about which I had no clue who was where.  

I was particularly intrigued with all the countries in the Mid East and or Africa. What really got me was how TINY so many countries that the U.S. has been involved in concerning their wars actually ARE. I was thinking: what?? Are these countries nuts? Croatia, Viet Nam, North Korea, Crimea, etc. are but mere SPECS on the globe. Why the hell are their HUGE neighboring countries even fighting them in the first place??? Leave these baby countries alone, for Christ sake. Have any clue how teeny tiny Israel is?? Plus... I had no idea that New Zealand was divided into two islands... north and south. Duh.  

Then, after God knows how long, I began playing with Photoshop and was having the time of my life. The camera on this iPad has been GREAT so far . But even greater are all the fantastic features I can use with Photoshop to switch up my pictures any way I want them to look. It's ingenious. There are ZILLIONS of choices in this app, too. Basically the only thing that's missing is a feature that will make me look 110 lbs. and about 30 years younger. Anyway... up above you can see one of my older pictures that I sorta played around with to create this super intense color. I totally have to frame it.

I even got brave the other day and actually video taped a monster wind storm that was occurring outdoors. Uh... come to find out, when I recorded and sent it out, I had the whole damn thing upside down, but now I know better. HOME BUTTON - ON MY RIGHT. Whew. Okay. I got that down pat now.

In the meantime, I don't necessarily do email on the iPad but obviously I could. I do check out QVC though, to make sure I'm not missing out on something that I totally don't need. I take this iPad everywhere, too. Today at the doctor's office Claudia and I were busy looking at all kinds of jewelry on Zappos.com. Then we were checking out eyeglass frames. I even logged into Huffpost to be sure the airplane didn't show up somewhere, afterall. Don't even get me started on THAT story, btw.


Anyway, suffice it to say that if you don't have a tablet of SOME sort, definitely go out and buy one immediately. It's absolutely a fantastic toy. Maybe even a necessity at this point for all we know. I guarantee... you will adore it.

DIANE

All I can say is: shoot me now. What a crazy ass bullshit day today was. Oh... it didn't start OUT that way... but man... NOW?? Holy M.F. is all I can say. So get this...

I get up nice and early so I can get to the store to pick up my new iPad Air which the salesman and I were going to set up. Yippee. Mission accomplished. Cesar had things going spiffy has hell for me and I got back home in the early afternoon, naturally having a dandy ole time playing with all sort of items on the new iPad. I was totally loving it. Until about an hour into it, that is. 

It's about then that I got a call from Claudia. UH... I HAVE SOME BAD NEWS... DIANE PASSED AWAY. What??? Diane??? WHEN?? HOW?? JESUS CHRIST. THIS IS CRAZY!! Believe me... I was so startled I could hardly wrap my head around it all.

So it's important to know here that Diane is my first cousin. We were born two days apart. Both our Mothers were in the hospital at the same time and she was born on the 17th and bingo. I was born on the 19th. Which pretty much meant we totally grew up together. All through elementary school Diane and I were best friends forever. In high school we had sorta gone with separate crowds but that really doesn't even matter. What does matter is that as kids we spent zillions and zillions and zillions of hours together. Playing, shopping, sleepovers, shared birthday parties, etc. etc. We were even in several classes together in school. Get the picture?? We were as tight as two cousins could possibly be, with our 60th birthdays being the last time I had spoken to Diane. 

Okay. So anyway... come to find out yet another cousin called Claudia today to say... OMG. I JUST HEARD FROM DIANE'S BROTHER AND YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS. DIANE PASSED AWAY LAST NOVEMBER!! The fact the brother didn't tell any of us way back THEN is another story altogether but whatever. I was simply in a state of shock. I couldn't believe this entire story. Needless to say I hopped right smack on the phone and found out Diane passed away from kidney/liver cancer and other problems. Apparently she had some surgery that uh... I guess... didn't turn out so great. Besides, what the hell does it even matter anymore. In the meantime...

Just how long you think I've been a total mess since I got this little tidbit of news?? Think: all fucking day long!! I mean seriously... it was one thing to find out about this turn of events, but to also learn Diane died SIX FRIGGIN' MONTHS AGO? Is that a joke? The family couldn't have told any of us THEN?? WTF were they THINKing?? Man. So after a couple more calls back to Claudia, I just had to then call Janet, who knew both Diane and I way back when and was even some of our classes together. Thank God Janet was home when I called since I totally needed to get grounded once again.

As I told Janet, what I also can't get over is JUST HOW MANY OF MY FAMILY AND FRIENDS are kicking the bucket at age 65 or younger!! What the hell is THAT all about?? Man. I am in total shock. Janet keeps me up to date about all the kids with whom we went to high school and way too many have died, if you ask me. It's just all so freaky. And then... 

Things don't necessarily don't get better given what happened next. In hopes of dealing with this latest shock... about two hours after all this occurred... I go back to my iPad thinking yippee. It would help me relax and process things a bit by taking my mind off everything. Big mistake. Big MAJOR mistake. All I can tell you is I am a total idiot because next thing you know... I head to the computer to transfer pictures from my desktop to my iPad and in doing so... sitting down? I ERASED ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING FROM THE iPAD!! I mean: Everything! It's totally back to HELLO. WOULD YOU LIKE TO SET UP YOUR NEW DEVICE NOW?? What??? Are you kidding me?? I erased everything that Cesar had done for me six hours earlier??? Everything I have no clue whatsoever how to ever do myself??

Oh. My. God. That's all I can say. I am so f'ed it's ridiculous. I have no idea what button I clicked on in iTunes, but man oh man, it was completely the wrong one. Thus... not only do I have no photos but now I also have NO iPAD. So basically... guess where I'll be at noon tomorrow, all over again.  SITTING DOWN WITH CESAR WHILE HE RE- SETS UP MY ENTIRE iPAD!! AGAIN. 

I so wished I drank hard liquor. I would down three shots but FAST. On the other hand, I was on the phone with Diane's brother tonight for maybe an hour and a half and believe it or not, it did bring me great comfort. Meaning: I now need only two shot of hard liquor. Talk about not being able to wait to get into bed tonight and bringing this entire day to an end.