Monday, August 20, 2012

TALK IS CHEAP

I have to admit... I have been known to string together some rather interesting little verbiages from time to time. Okay. Pretty often, but who's counting. Kinda like... having my very own personal way of expressing myself; especially in ways most others do not. Take a true, genteel lady, for instance. She'd NEVER speak like I might. But ME? Oh man... when a situation calls for it... bingo. I'll spew it. Plus, I have lots of friends and it just kills me when they are conversing with me and next thing you know out of no where, THEY begin using my exact sort of expressions. It's like I'm hearing myself all over again as they speak. I get a major kick out of this, too. Imitation IS the best form of flattery, yes? 

Anyway, one of all time favorite sayings is about people I hate. Granted there are only about four such people on this planet but when I need to explain how I feel about any of them, it's really quite simple to do. I sum up my total feelings for them in seven simple words. As in: FUCK YOU, DROP DEAD, GO TO HELL. Boom. Done. No one ever has to question exactly what my feelings about this person might be. Like could I even BE any clearer? So basically, this descriptive line is one I particularly love. And while no one I know personally, has ever copied this most... ahem... shocking of speech patterns, who cares. For me, once you earn this Title of Hatred, it works like a charm. And... it sticks forever.

Another interesting bit of personal verbiage is a saying I use when something doesn't necessarily go my way. As in: suppose I am grabbing something in the refrigerator and the entire blueberry container happens to fall, spilling about 439 blueberries all at once, on the floor. In every direction possible. When THIS happens my go to line would definitely be: DAMNIT. DAMNIT. SHIT. DAMNIT. Apparently just one damnit doesn't do the trick for me. Once again... no one has to ever wonder whether or not I'm annoyed. Whammo. They get the point immediately.

As it happens, this damnit bit is one of my son and nephew's favorite sayings of mine. Not because they've necessarily adopted it for themselves but rather, because they merely love mimicking my profane command of the English language. And, getting a great chuckle for themselves while doing so. This became their favorite Linda quote ever since they were both in high school and it still is, to this very day.

MY favorite line lately has been the one I use each Wednesday when I wake up, walk out of my bedroom and see Teresa, my house keeper. As way of a good morning greeting, I used to say: LORDY, LORDY. I WISHED I WERE FORTY. Bingo. Teresa knew I was now up. After a while, I got tired of that though, so I then came out saying: LORDY. LORDY. FEEL LIKE IM HUNDRED AND FORTY. We both got a real kick out that one. NOW however, I've even switched that one up too. Lately, I wake up, walk out and shout: LORDY. LORDY. I WEIGH TWO FORTY. Talk about starting your day off with a great laugh! In fact, last night I was at a Bar B Q party and I was telling this story to these new people I had just met. To which the lady replied: But you don't really weigh that much, right??? I took one look at her and said: ARE YOU KIDDING ME? DO I LOOK LIKE I WEIGH 240?? Jeez. What an idiot. Thank God she said NO. Although to be fair, she herself only weighed maybe 117 so what the hell does she know.

What's really hilarious is something that happened to me just last week. My florist called, telling me that my FLOWERS OF THE MONTH were ready to be picked up. I always love when she calls since I know I'll be getting a present. Thus when I see the caller ID I always answer: YIPPEE. YIPPEE. YIPPEE. And bingo. She then always has a great laugh. So get this... THIS TIME when Pam called, I picked up the phone, said HELLO and SHE was the one who began with: YIPPEE. YIPPEE. YIPPEE. I burst right smack out laughing.

Naturally, these are but a mere few of my personal expressions. For if you actually lived with me, you'd hear way many more. Besides... just as I'd never want to bore you... even more so, I don't want to bore ME. Bingo. Mission accomplished.

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