And, I'm not talking the kind that take me to cloud nine where life is filled with happy days, sweet romance, laughing and smiling and having all around me gentle and perfect. Rather, I mean the kind that fucking freak me out totally and scare the living shit out of me. Which is why I'm now sitting here, writing at five in the morning. Don't ask. I just awoke from yet another one of such scary dreams. It's crazy.
Turns out that so far this summer, it has been a pretty intense past couple of months for me. Naturally, I've been TRYing to keep the intensity down to a dull roar and maintain control over everything. Including my brain. But, apparently that only works while I'm awake. When I'm ASLEEP, oh man... whole other story is going on altogether. One in which I'm always at the total mercy of others, with them dictating what's going down and how, and in the most bizarre of circumstances.
I have had THE most terrifying dreams ever this summer. And ALL of them have to do with my having no control over ANY event whatsoever. Like having men chase me with guns, or me being whisked away by total strangers while on vacation or having 5 people in one dream telling me to do this, do that, or do whatever. Oh yeah... and just my luck there is also an element of major fear in all the dreams, too. It's as if my heart is constantly pounding or I'm miserably saddened or the craziest of scenarios are occurring. Like right smack out of MISSION IMPOSSIBLE or the BOURNE IDENTITY series or something. Movies I'd NEVER go to see btw, for just these reasons. Who wants to be scared out of their freakin' mind, sitting on the edge of their seat when instead they could be kicking back, watching mindless romantic comedies, laughing their ass off?
Anyway... tonight's dream, like most of the others... involved my almost feeling panicked, left behind somewhere and I had to figure out how the hell I'm either to get back home or at the very least, get back to safety. Tonight, the ending dream sequence had me in an airport terminal getting into a cab that was filled with seven other people, two of whom had a gun which was never fired but certainly threatening. Then... when I finally was extricated from the cab scene, come to find out my wallet, etc. was stolen and I wound up being left all alone somewhere, where I had to walk home over a LONG dusty gravel road, but only after enduring the freakiest of circumstances which occurred at the beginning of the dream.
I'm telling you... whoever is writing the scripts to these dreams of mine needs to be SHOT. Enough already with my subconsciously living life on the edge, having no control of any situation whatsoever. Were I a novelist of thrillers or chilling mysteries or horror... man would I ever have prize winning stories to publish. Along the lines of Stephen King, I think. All I know is SOMEthing is trying to test my sanity.
And frankly, the madness over all this testing had better stop SOON. For, the funny thing is that I live life best when I AM in control of what's going on in my head and my surroundings. I try like hell to stay away from soap operas and heart break and bullshit but every other night, not only is a soap opera taking place while I sleep but an emotional roller coaster, as well. YIKES. Who needs this crap??
So my take right now is pretty much: you will eventually find me either at my local insane asylum or... on every talk show known to man, pushing my latest best seller. Found of course, in the Horror aisle of your nearest book store. SO not up my alley. In the meantime... for now, I'm headed back to where else... sleep!
Praying of course that I dream of the arrival of autumn. Ahhh... the ease, beauty and gentleness of Fall. I am SO ready for my summer dreams to be over and forgotten.