Tuesday, August 28, 2012

CONFESSION

I myself have never been inside a confessional. And, I'm pretty glad about it too, since I can't even imagine how that sort of deal must play upon a youth's mental health, for example. Take 15 year old boys for instance. Boys who by all natural signs of human nature, must think about sex approximately every 23 seconds. Boom. Next thing you know, they're doing the FORGIVE ME FATHER FOR I HAVE SINNED bit for fear of going straight to Hell. Like exactly how cleansing could THAT possibly be? 

On the other hand, I myself might have plenty of items that would probably rank right up there for going to the confessional deal and then in turn, the going right smack to Hell deal. But me? I don't care. I'm perfectly content with my pretty decent morality quotient. And thank God I never did have to confess such items for in the end... I'm pretty much a perfectly wonderful person who tries to hurt as few people as possible and who carefully follows most laws of life and/or government. As in: Sue me. I love dope. And great sex. In fact, if mixed together forget about Hell... I'm in HEAVEN.  

However...  today, I realized I could possibly be going to Hell, afterall. Especially since I have never confessed ANYthing to a Man of the Cloth. Besides, if I'm going to be doing any confessing, I'd much prefer the guy have no clothing on at all, since I'm thinking that the nudity alone, would soften the blow of what I may unload. No pun intended.

Anyway... I was walking out of the salon where I had my manicure and pedicure this afternoon and from outta nowhere this startling thought popped into my head: 1.) F*** it. I think I DO love gossip and 2.) I DO love impulse buying. Oops. Sounds like these could indeed be considered sins, yes??  

Case in point: Give me an opportunity to hook up with a girlfriend for lunch let's say and bingo. I'm happily and willingly all ears for any great juicy story she has to offer up. I'd soak it all up in a FLASH. Plus, they'd even get extra points for beginning the story with: NOW DON'T REPEAT THIS TO ANYONE!! Boom. That's my clue to focus and listen but GOOD.

Naturally, I'll  swear to never repeat the story and actually, for the most part I never do. Unless the story is just so deliciously potent and/or outrageous that I simply HAVE to share it with someone.  ENTER:  GOSSIP. I also have to admit that if the story has someone I truly hate as the main character... zammo... AN EXTRA HUNDRED POINTS for the story teller right off the bat. Meaning, I just may have to pay for their lunch when all is said and done.

The other confession I have is that yes, I am indeed the target audience for all retailers who prey upon impulse buyers. I'M THEIR PRIME SHOPPER. For I must confess... I get a major kick out of standing in line, touching everything possible in the surrounding displays at the check out counter. And if the product looks the least bit interesting... DONE. THE ITEM IS IN MY CART lickety split. You'd be AMAZED at what great crapola you can pick up at the last moment.

And.. matters not if you're in Target or Nordstroms. The goodies can have equal allure, if you ask me. Granted, I'd rather be standing in Nordstroms, but never discount the lower end stores, either. They too have earned a wonderful place in my shopping cart time and time again.

I suspect I have a shitload of other confessions I could be making as well, but why tempt the Hand of God. For while he's going to love me regardless and still hold a wonderful place for me in Heaven as is, some things are just best held closer to the vest for the moment. In fact, I can't WAIT til I get to the entrance of the pearly gates and am questioned about this and about that and about 439 other things. For already, I have my reply all set up in my mind.

I'll simply say: YES, I DID IN FACT DO THAT AND THAT AND THAT, BUT IN THE END, DEAR GOD... EVERYONE WHO SHOWS UP HERE SHOULD ONLY BE AS FINE A WOMAN AS I HAVE BEEN! SO THERE. NOW... PLEASE GOD, LET ME IN. THANKS. 

And bingo... next thing you know... I'll be prancing my way clear up the heavenly stairs. Besides, I truly believe in a forgiving God. So basically... now's his chance to prove me right.

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