YIKES. HERE GOES NOTHING

Eeeks. Tonight is going to be some showdown alright. Frankly... I can't even imagine how it's all going to play out and yes. I'm talking about tonight's first Presidential debate, of course.

My first instinct is to say that Hilary, far more brilliant and far more experienced, is totally going to take down Trump like we've never before seen. I mean Jesus... almost no one on the planet is better prepared for this debate and/or job than she. On the other hand... man, is she ever blah and boring in the delivery of her message. Talk about uninspiring. 

Plus... I am definitely one of those who question her ethics regarding her email bullshit and years of others issues. Hence, Hillary is by no means a lily white candidate in the least. Besides... her hair style sooo sucks, particularly on just regular week days when no one is prepping her look. GET A MUCH SHORTER HAIR CUT FOR PETE'S SAKE. One that can actually make her look modern yet completely able to be blown out in three minutes flat. Granted, I'm no professional but jeez... there are zillions of becoming looks for her if only she'd back away from what I call her Granny Cut. Just saying.

My second instinct is to say that Trump is so way out of his league. He has no clue what it's like to intelligently go one on one for 90 minutes, and specifically being able to address world events. Unless maybe there is a Trump Hotel in a particular country. Donald a Statesman?? So not happening. Yet if he can bring himself to be anywhere near a normal, clear headed debater and fluster the hell out of Hillary, he just may exceed all expectations and bingo. He could, just maybe, come off as having some semblance of decency and knowledge. It'll be a major stretch alright, but never say never.

I am betting on Hillary taking the night, but unfortunately I can't be completely sure. Damnit. I'm already in MAjor shock that Trump's numbers are as high as they presently are. Wholly a neck in neck race. How can this BE? Who in their right mind would have EVER thought he'd get to where he is, anyway??? I'm continuing to be nothing short of astounded at the stupidity of the American voters. Then again... all I have to do is look back to George W. as well as even Mitt. OMG. Those two made me sick to my stomach every time I saw their face.

In the meantime, I actually know personally several people who see Trump as a great candidate to lead our country forward. WHAT?? ARE THEY NUTS?? I just can't believe it! People who are college educated, have a brain in their head and who otherwise make admirable choices in living their lives. WTF are they thinking?? A year ago I'd be thrilled to sit down and make an argument for what a sick choice they are considering, yet NOW?? I won't even waste my breath. Their voting for Trump speaks volumes to me and I am still considering knocking them off my list of acceptable friends. How can I possibly hang out with someone whose voting IQ I don't respect? THEY'RE PROVING THEMSELVES TO BE IDIOTS. I know... I'm just so tolerant, right?? 

I suspect my stomach is all queasy and whatnot because apparently... all Donald has to do is: 1.) show up 2.) not bully 3.) use decent manners and 4.) tell no lies. The bar is just so low that if he can last the entire 90 minutes following these four simple items, boom. He'll be considered a winner and thus fit to become President. Can you even imagine??

I'll tell you one thing... I HATE KELLYANNE. She is totally great and exceptionally experienced but once she came on board, I immediately had to hate her. Why?? Because SHE F'ING SAVED TRUMP'S ASS AND/OR CAMPAIGN, BIG TIME. I was heartsick over this almost the moment I heard she was on board! She astonishingly shaped him into an almost normal human being, no matter how temporarily.

Had there been no KellyAnne, I am convinced Trump would STILL be so damn obnoxious he would have no chance whatsoever. But NOW?? With her having comPLETEly reined in Donald, including having him read all his speeches from a teleprompter, oh man. He so moved way up in the polls 1-2-3 and I'm major sick about it. Wow. Talk about knowing her business, alright. Damnit. 

I can just see their first meeting: YOU WANT TO WIN, DONALD? I CAN GET YOU THERE. YOU JUST HAVE TO LISTEN TO EVERY SINGLE THING I TELL YOU AND OBEY EVERY SINGLE ONE OF MY DIRECTIVES. GOT IT? IF SO... THEN I'LL SIGN ON THE DOTTED LINE AS YOUR CAMPAIGN MANAGER, AND LICKETY SPLIT... I'LL BE CALLING YOU MR. PRESIDENT. 

And... uh... apparently he became her slave in no time at all.

Which means: I'll be GLUED to my television tonight along with the other 100 million folks, probably with my Ativan in hand. Because I have this very sinking feeling Trump will be perfectly fine in his performance... regardless of whether or not he knows what the hell he's talking about. I am also a bit nerved because I pretty much feel the headlines tomorrow could basically be: TRUMP PULLED IT OFF! HIS NUMBERS MOVE HIGHER. Jesus Christ. Shoot me now. 

And, if you ask me... this will all come down to KellyAnne having done her job magnificently. So much so, I now can't help but wonder how close she'll come to being in Donald's Cabinet. Oh God. This so isn't going to be good. Thus in closing...

My final words to Hillary before tonight's debate are simple: PLEASE DON'T BORE ME. Have some umph to your message. Include some humor. Some inspiration. Some EXCITEMENT for God's sake. Yes... I know. You have every fact on every front and you totally deserve to grab the limelight from Trump. Include some PERSONALITY, woman! And oh yeah... bring just a wee tad of sex appeal, even. Especially if it turns out Mark Cuban IS sitting in the front row. It so can't hurt.  

  

HE'S BAAAAACK

So guess who's back. Hint: my very own flesh and blood.

Yessiree. My kid is here at home and to tell you the truth, I am tickled pink. In my book... thank GOD he is out of Florida, which as you know hosts my most hated weather ever. Thus to say I am thrilled is putting it mildly. It's been almost a month now and for a multitude of reasons, I couldn't be happier. Not to mention when there was a recent possibility of Hurricane Hermine hitting southeastern part of the country. 

DEAR GOD... PLEASE DON'T EVER TELL ME MY KID IS MOVING BACK TO HELL. THANK YOU, GOD. AMEN.

As soon as I opened the door when he first got here, I covered my face and said: TIME OUT. UH... DID YOU BRING THE ZIKA VIRUS?? One thing I hate more than the heat in Florida is deadly diseases in Florida. Thankfully I was immediately assured no virus followed him up here. The next thing I said before allowing him to enter was: DO YOU UNDERSTAND YOU WILL ONLY BE ALLOWED TWO CHOICES OF SALAD DRESSINGS IN THE PANTRY AT ANY GIVEN TIME, RATHER THAN YOUR PREFERENCE OF SEVEN? Yippee. Again I was assured. Somewhere along the line of my 5 most important questions was assurance about not freezing me to death with the low thermostat settings... and a couple of other items, too. Bingo.

As soon as all answers were to my liking... yippee. I let my kid in the door and gave him and a big hug and a kiss and voila'. We were on the same page, ready to go. I kinda felt like Sheldon from the Big Bang Theory who ALWAYS as a zillion pages of agreement documents whenever interacting with anyone on the planet. I on the other hand, was willing to opt for mere oral agreements which I surely hope will prove to be perfectly adequate. In the meantime...

I have always enjoyed being with my kid. Thus having him here is wonderful. He's funny as hell. He's pretty cooperative and very helpful in the muscles department, too. Besides... he's as particular as I am about alot of things, so I can pretty much deal with whatever idiotic quirks he may have given he comes by them pretty honestly. 

He totally made me laugh right out loud earlier today when he told me I really should simply direct the Coca Cola Company to instruct their delivery trucks to include a stop right here at home, rather than at my local grocery store. He decided I could completely cut out the middle man and yet have my weekly supply of Diet Cokes brought right smack to the house. Uh... I'm thinking he feels I drink way too much of the chemicals but too bad. I'm addicted to the crap and have been for years, with no apologies whatsoever. On the other hand... he is soooo onto something regarding a door to door delivery system. If only.

But enough about me being glad my son is such good company. 

What I really love is how he's so brilliant. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He was an excellent student and has two degrees but who cares. What I love MOST is how he knows every techie trick known to man. Despite his being a total Apple kinda guy vs. my being a devoted Windows and/or Android user. Regardless... I swear to God. On the second day my kid was here he taught me THE best trick known to man and I am forever a changed woman. Granted... the rest of the world has been doing this for years, but I of course had no CLUE. Turns out...

I needed to run to the bank to deposit a check.... a chore I abhor to the nth degree. Also a chore I often put off for weeks on end. So, I grabbed the check sitting on the kitchen counter, grabbed my purse and told him I was off to go make the deposit at the bank. STOP RIGHT THERE he said and the next thing I know, he told me I never again ever have to go to the bank for deposits!

WHAT?? ARE YOU F'ING KIDDING ME? Within 6 minutes he downloaded the bank's app onto my phone, signed me into my account, took a picture of the front and back of the check and whammo. Clicked OKAY. Before I could even say Wells Fargo... BINGO. MY CHECK WAS DEPOSITED RIGHT SMACK INTO MY ACCOUNT AND I DIDN'T EVEN AS MUCH HAVE TO PUT DOWN MY BELOVED GLASS OF DIET COKE. Omg. You have NO idea what a revelation this was to me let alone a sheer miracle!! I was delighted beyond belief.

Pretty much as delighted as I was when two days ago my iPad decided to F me over but good. True... it was totally my own fault given I am old and God only knows why... but I kept entering the wrong pass code for the tablet over and over again. Huh?? I do this code every single day of my life so why all of a sudden was it not recognizing it??? I was crazed. Which is a nice way of saying I myself am the crazy one. Apparently I was entering a code alright, just absolutely not the correct one! Duh. What an f'ing idiot I am. 4 milion times I entered 1234 let's say but two days ago I decided to enter 4321. Jesus. Talk about being this far from the funny farm. Anyway...

Although my son kept asking me if I was using the correct digits, and I naturally kept saying OF COURSE, I eventually entered the wrong code so many times, Apple decided to erase me off the face of the earth and disabled me forever. Don't ask. Lickety split he logged onto iTunes, did some bullshit stuff and FINALLY I realized my big mistake. He got me back on the next day and in spite of his having had to wipe clean the tablet, he was able to recover all my original apps in my original sequence. The cloud bit wasn't going to help at first, but somehow he got everything recovered and once again... I AM NOW SMILING UP THE KAZOO. Which is so why I love young people. They actually KNOW how to fix things.

Then, last night he showed me how to watch all the saved programs from the download list on my DVR right smack on my iPad! I was stunned!! But better than that almost... he also showed me how I can finally actually HEAR my Kindle Fire read to me at a blaring volume if I want, by using a wireless waterproof Blutooth speaker that is no bigger than the palm of my hand. You can see it right there, up above. Holy shit. THIS IS A LIFE SAVER TO SAY THE VERY LEAST! 

Which is why I immediately ran to Amazon to order one and can hardly wait for tomorrow's delivery. I AM JUMPING FOR JOY with anticipation! It will play movies, games, etc. on the Fire loudly for me AND it will sync beautifully to my iPad for the same, should I choose. PLUS... get this... I can even bring it into the shower and then for SURE I'll never miss a rootin' tootin' thing.

The last thing I've discovered is something I've needed for years, probably. Turns out I open a million cans of Diet Coke a day. Not because I drink them all, but rather because I only drink them while they are cold. So if a can lasts me over an hour let's say, I still have to empty it all out because the cola has become too damn warm for my liking. Granted I COULD put it in a glass of ice, but I like the can better. HOWEVER... I now have this amazing invention of a stainless steel tumbler that you fill with ice and your liquid of choice and WHAM CITY. Your drink stays cold without the ice melting for at LEAST 8 hours!!! Can you even imagine?? 


Oh man. Talk about why I'm pretty thrilled my son is back! It's almost as if sure... I'm glad to see him alright, but way more... I'm glad to see him to up my game on all things tech. Well... that and the fact he IS afterall, my flesh and blood. 

By the way my darling A. I finished my very last handful last night. Lasted just shy of a month!! 

REAL SHOPPING

I love that most  people go on a little vacation and probably take wonderful little pictures of sunsets, stunning architectural buildings or even some posing in front of major tourist attractions. I've done that a zillion times in my life of travels. But what I love most are the sorts of pictures I took when I was in Florida recently. Granted... I took plenty of playful picts of family and friends but my most favorites are those that capture scenes not ordinarily shot by others.

Take this for example: my most delightful place to shop, ever. Goodbye Bloomingdales, Lord & Taylor, even Saks. Enter: THIS store. A store filled with excellent taste, mile wide aisles, outstanding sales help and plenty of trending fashions.

I know. One rarely spends time taking shots of a department store signage but when you live in a baby town like mine, where the Super WalMart is a key draw, one becomes so accustomed to bullshit shopping that it boggles the mind. Comparing our Belks to this Nordstrom for instance, is like comparing rubber made thong sandals to 5 inch Jimmy Choo high heels. Man. Don't even ask. 

I've become so used to crappy shopping choices here that it then becomes practically a major enlightenment when I step foot into a REAL department store. Totally pleasurable, btw. In the meantime...

This is a perfect example. One that makes me want to choke, but whatever. Get a load of this mannequin. I was so AGHAST at it that I just had to take it's picture. Check it out.

Uh... anything look a little bit off base to you? Are you kidding me??? I swear to God... this mannequin is no wider than a toothpick!! Seriously. I look at this and all I see is: malnutrition!! An absolute size 0. I can not beLIEVE people are this size which btw, I totally call the Auschwitz Gas Chamber Look. So not a pretty sight let alone an upscale sizing choice. Wow. Gives a whole new meaning to long and lean if you ask me. 

Of course I myself would kill... no pun intended... to actually be a size close to this mannequin's although I must say... a size 4 or 6 would be a much better choice. Those numbers would then at least be bumped up to a Detention Camp Look which is basically nothing to strive for, either. In any case, turns out I totally don't need to worry given my Plus Size look is pretty much here to stay. Damnit.

So another shot of my trip is Florida is maybe my favorite of them all. I was just outside the entrance door to Nordtrom's and what do I see but THIS. Talk about a chuckle of the century!

Does the landscaper not SEE this as he does his pruning?? OMG. Talk about a crazy ass welcome mat let alone a whole new meaning of fiber optics. One look at this plant and boom. Forget about palm trees. Just think: palm aROUND it! 

I just HAD to snap a shot right then and there. Who could blame me? Like just how often do I come across a garden such as this? With a cutting like this, I'd almost have to render this store Xrated. Except uh... this plant is totally UNcut, so to speak. And speaking of landscaping...

This last shot is one taken right smack outside the front door of my hotel. I was completely intrigued by the juxtaposition of the light and dark and loved looking at it every night. Finally, by the 5th night, I caved and took a picture of it. My photography teacher from long, long ago would give me an A+ lickety split.

Better yet... I'd get an A on the final exam for this next one, given so many really dedicated photographers adore black and whites. I myself however and totally into color but so be it. Kinda interesting however, right??

Which brings me right back to my glorious shopping adventures. Including DSW by the way, which was a MAjor treat. I just can't believe how thrilling it was to have been in a REAL department store once again. Granted... I could go to Asheville and definitely find a MAC counter. I could even find a Chico's or Talbot's. But finding a truly beautiful department store is a complete challenge, for sure. I sort felt like the women of London when to their utter delight, the very first Selfridge's Department Store opened back in the early 1900s. Now THIS is what I call a store!

Man. Talk about a shopping experience, alright. Waay up my alley. Between this and Harrods... a store in which I have indeed shopped, btw... and bingo. You've got heaven right smack here on earth. Let alone a photographer's Garden of Eden. 

   

BREATH OF FRESH AIR

I am totally into breathing well. Which is why six months ago, I made an appointment with my pulmonary doctor for a check up to be sure all is hunkee doree. 

The original appointment could only be made for three months out, but later I had to change it, which took aNOTHer three months before he could see me; thus the six month time frame. Don't ask. It's totally nuts, but whatever.

The problem actually began when my real pulmonologist decided to retire. Which I was really sad to hear, trust me. And... it had been more than three years since I had seen her therefore I was now considered a new patient. Huh?? Are you kidding me? Don't even ask. I basically had to jump through all sorts of hoops to then get back into the office system. Jesus. Talk about crazy. However... yippee. I finally did wind up with an appointment and this morning was the day.

Mind you... I had to set my alarm clock for 8:30 which was no treat but a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do. So off to the new doctor I went. It turned out to be a pretty painless visit. They did take a chest x-ray which was my main reason for going. I wanted to be sure I wasn't developing some sort of horrible, deadly disease about which I had no clue. That turned out to be pretty good thank God. They also took a reading of my pulse and oxygen intake which also turned out pretty good. However...

I'm apparently now at an age where they offer some sort of low dose cat scan tests for senior citizens which are done at the hospital but must first be approved by my insurance. It supposedly lets the doctor see way more clearly that which may not be detected by a mere x-ray, so it made perfect sense to now get a base line image. Plus there's some other breathing tests to be done in the office but at this point I can't even remember what the hell those are. In the meantime.... it almost took me longer to schedule these new bullshit tests than it was to actually visit with the doctor himself. And Kateria... the lady who does the scheduling... was borderline dumbass if you ask me.

Seriously... I was this far from jumping over the counter to grab a look at her computer so I could see for myself just what appointments were available on dates in which I was interested. Talk about s-l-o-w. And we all know how I feel about the concept of waiting patiently, right? Man. One good thing I will say however...

FINALLY all the doctor's offices in my town have indeed updated their new computer systems so that they can all go through the main hospital here to grab all your medical information in one central place. Thus I didn't need to fill out pages and pages of new intake forms. THANK GOD FOR SMALL FAVORS is all I can say. You have no idea how short staffed all the offices were during this data entry process btw, while assistants galore were all working on entering the info for all the patients from the individual medical offices. It was a nightmare for them, alright. Turns out I too, had a nightmare moment, btw and I'm pretty much freaked.

Apparently, once again, I'm now officially old and I'm not pleased about this at all. Okay. I'll deal with senior moments of forgetting why the hell I entered a room looking for only God knows what. I'll even deal with the fact I need to go to the bathroom a zillion times a day or maybe bruising my arms so easily from blood thinners.

BUT.... having to deal with the fact that I'm getting shorter???

OH MY GOD. PLEASSSSE DON'T LET THIS HAPPEN. Although apparently it is happening given they took my height measurement during this doctor's visit and I was horrified. I was this far from making them measure me again, but was way too afraid the second time would render me even shorter than the first go round. This is the first time in my life I'd happily jump onto the scale for weight rather than stand up against a wall to check out my height. THIS IS SO NOT GOOD. 

I mean really... when you begin to see old people shrinking in stature then you can pretty much be SURE they are so way into the winter of their lives. Talk about unsettling, let alone depressing. I can't even believe it. I walked down the office hallway repeatedly asking: WAIT. I'M GETTING SHORTER?? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? I'M SHORT?? HOLY SHIT. Granted... I was no statuesque sort of woman to begin with but seriously??? I'M NOW GETTING EVEN SHORTER?? This news is plaguing me but good.


Forget about disease doing in my breathing. This new bit of new info is taking my breath away at the mere thought of it. Oh man. I so hate this. On the other hand... I totally hope all my testing will show that given my age, pulmonary complications will be at a minimum. For if it's not... you'll have to shoot me now. I so don't do well with bullshit news.       

THE NEW LOOK

OMG. After about 25 years of wearing round glass frames I finally took the plunge. I decided to go with a totally different look as you can see in this picture here. EEEKS. I know... I hardly know what to think, right? 

As it happens, this picture was taken as I was trying on the sample pair for the first time in the optometrist's office, so it's kind of a crapola shot. But you know what? I so think these frames are actually going to work! 

I truly think I'm going to like wearing them a whole bunch, especially since they look WAY better in person than in this picture. Granted... they remind me of my Dad's glasses from the late 70s, but whose counting. And yes, everyone else will probably hate them but I totally don't care since I really do think these will turn out to be major great. Uh... I hope, anyway. Besides, this look is apparently right on trend at the moment ... shiny black, sleek and naturally, bold... so it can't be all bad. If nothing else... I'm pretty sure they will grow on folks, thus in the end, I'm counting on being able to make these frames work like a charm.

It'll take about two weeks to get them back and I can only pray the prescription will be correct given I am dying to begin wearing them like... uh yesterday. Trust me... these next 2 weeks will have me on pins and needles alright. Turns out btw, the office was having a trunk show of new frames and the rule was: you buy a frame and bingo. You get half off the cost of your lenses which btw, brought my bill to the least amount I've spent on eyewear in YEARS.. That alone would have been enough of a treat but get this. In celebration of this trunk show, the doctor's office also served up the most excellent lunch menu you can even imagine! Talk about a red letter day.

So I walked into the office and signed in. Plenty of people were there yet it took me no time at all to spot the luncheon goodies all along the side wall. Naturally, all the other people there either ate nothing at all or merely nibbled on a piece or two of the treats. Me? I totally downed the little BBQed and/or fried chicken nuggets up the kazoo, along with the carrots and spinach dip, delicious limeade punch made with lime sherbet and then finally I topped it all off with an outstanding cupcake. COMPLETELY DELICIOUS. So delicious in fact, I had to go back for seconds of the chicken and carrots. I swear... I was so starved when I entered the place but by the time I left, man. I was filled to the gills. Talk about a great way to shop for a pair of glasses, right?

In fact, I told the doctor I expect nothing less everytime I come in ever again! I mean it. Want to ensure a patient returns time and time again?? Boom. SERVE LUNCH. I swear... I'd totally come in monthly! In the meantime...

It is so time that I kissed the round glass frames goodbye. For a few short years I did break the cycle by wearing the rimless frames that were all the rage a little while back. But that too, grew old although I will say alot of friends tell me even today, they love me best donning those. Shows what they know, if you ask me. Regardless... I never fell for the skinny little rectangular frames so many people have been sporting in recent years and until these new black guys began showing up lately, I was so sticking to my round ones. No wonder. I've always loved them. But to tell you the truth... I am pretty sure I'm going to love these just as much! 

I've been wearing glasses since I was about 28 years old. In those days I wore Christian Dior oversized blue square-ish frames which I totally loved, too. If I could ever find them again, trust me... I'd buy them in a heartbeat. Exactly when I moved on in to round frames, I really can't remember but for sure it was in my early 40s. In fact, I was going through some of my pictures from way back when, to see if I could find some spectacle history so to speak, but alas I only found the round ones. 

I also found about 150 picts of myself that I have GOT to remove from my hard drive immediately given I wanted to totally puke at how disGUSTing I've looked over the years. How on earth I could have ever had friends I'll NEVER know. I mean it. I am shocked people found me friend worthy let alone men found me love worthy. For I am so telling you... it turns out... I am way more decent looking at 68 than I ever was at 38, 48, or even 58! Seriously. I hang my head in sheer shame. In the meantime...

Decent or not.... this is what I look like today. Oops. I mean what I'll look like in two weeks. It may not be anything to write home about but I'm still plenty thrilled to move on to new eyewear. Only took what? About 25 years? Eeks. And oh yeah... in case you completely hate me in my new eyeglasses, then I have only two words: you suck. Not in everything, mind you, but totally in eyeglass choices. 

         

THE EQUATOR

Uh... forget about traveling to the infamous equator.... that imaginary line which divides the northern and southern hemispheres... where it just so happens to be THE hottest place on earth. And where, factoring in global warming, who even KNOWS what the temperature could wind up being now. I'd never ever consider making such a trip to where the heat is so outrageously ridiculous.

Except... that is just what I did a couple of weeks ago.

Only this time, I traveled to Florida. Oh. My. God. I only WISHED I were at the equator. Where I am told the daily heat weighs in at about an average of 87 degrees. Turns out... compared to where I was in Florida... the equator is almost like as if a cold front had come through. For in Florida, they had a blistering heat estimation of about 93 degrees, let's say. Not even counting the real feel temperature, either. Nighttime temps probably dropped to a soothing 84. 

ARE YOU F'ING KIDDING ME?? Who the hell would even WANT to live in such temps, anyway?? Apparently even hotter than the equator! Soooo unbearable is all I can say. And believe me... I totally packed all my crappy summer weight clothes and yet even that didn't help me any. 

Why I'm always having to be in Florida during THE hottest months of the year, is beyond me, but for the past three years, that's exactly what's happened. Regardless of the happy reason for which I went. I mean seriously. I love Laura and all, but really. Her next big milestone birthday has so got to be celebrated in January or February. Although unfortunately I don't see anyone ever asking me my opinion so that idea is basically kaput. Regardless... to Florida I went.

Given it was all a big surprise party for now 50 year old Laura, I couldn't even be with her the first day and a half I was there. Though I did have a perfectly wonderful substitute given her boss and good friend, Amy, did an excellent job as a stand in. In fact, Amy was not only so generous with her time and fun but even more important... became my personal shopper for the junk food my travels require. As in: who could ask for more. ROOM SERVICE? UH, NO THANKS. I HAVE AMY COMING ANY MINUTE NOW AND I'LL BE FULLY STOCKED, BUT THANKS ANYWAY. Even as we speak, I'm afraid to open the last huge bag of Peanut M&Ms for fear I'll down it in no time flat. 

Not only was her junk food spot on, but I had an incredible moment of major clarity when I was in Florida. I realized that the worst meal one could ever have down there was totally better than the best meal I could ever have up here, in my stupid little town with all kinds of restaurants. Well, except for the country club maybe, where I'm headed tonight, but whatever. I am so telling you.... I was in stupendous foodie heaven, equator or no equator. On the other hand... I do have admit that while I was in temperature hell alright, being back home is no picnic either. HOT. HOT. HOT. Man. I can't WAIT until the next four weeks are over and I can then again look forward to returning to the 70s. Let alone actually going outside to enjoy some real fresh air once again!

If I had to live on the deserts of the Middle East by the way, I'd have no choice but to shoot myself. Not to mention the fact I'd probably have to be wearing an entire ensemble of burqas, caftans, niqabs, and God only knows what else the men who rule there would make me wear. Living THERE, no wonder the religious beliefs are such that we are in hell here on earth, and will only find paradise once we kick the bucket. If such were the case for me... I'd GLADLY search out paradise lickety split. 

Does no one go swimming in the Mid East, btw? NEWS FLASH: yes they do. Wearing THIS, if you can believe it or not:

Some swim get up, right? Can you even imagine what the Mid Easterners would think of THIS western swimming apparel in the picture below? OMG. They'd have a heat stroke right on the spot, no pun intended. Warning by the way: not for the faint of heart, so viewer beware... and no, Heads of Blogger.com, I am not trying to be racey. I'm trying instead, to make a point although I do admit, this is SOME point, alright.

Whoa. I know. This micro bikini is a bit much, even for me, but I bet you see plenty of these in Brazil, let's say. Hence: The Brazilian wax. 

And though you can see why one is needed, rest assured that every female under the age of 50, that you happen to see walking down the street, well... just know she too, is pretty much sporting this 21st century look. Just ask her doctors and/or partners. And... by the way... in case you imagine this lady is being modest or something, that is totally a tattoo you're looking at there. 

In any case, all I can say is: global warming is so here and apparently it's here to stay. I can totally remember the days when I was growing up and didn't even HAVE air conditioning in the house! Let alone at school, in stores, offices, etc. Granted, my parents were kind enough to send me to sleep away camp each year in much cooler weather, but even that weather is no longer on the list of promised comfort. Thank God they wised up and finally got room air conditioners, eventually taking the big plunge and doing central air throughout our entire home.

Oh yeah... while those days were in the 1960s I also remember the days beginning with 2000 where my aging parents, while indeed having central air, felt that leaving the thermostat at a cool 79 degrees in mid summer was totally acceptable. Man. Don't even ask. In the meantime...  

Next summer I should probably consider actually vacationing at the equator. Can you even imagine? It seems as if THERE is as cool as almost anywhere on the planet. I could head to Brazil, Ecuador or even the Uganda for instance and still be ahead of the curve. Besides... all I'd have to pack is three bathing suits. Boom. Done. Totally scary. Not the heat of course. Instead... me in my swimsuit.      

POETIC JUSTICE

Talk about a crazy story, alright. It all began when I first moved here 14 years ago last month. Best possible decision of my life, btw, but whatever. When I got here, I started going to one of my alltime favorite little neighborhood restaurants for lunch. I'd maybe go about 3 times a week.

The place was great for lunch. Perfectly excellent choices of salad or perfectly excellent choices of sandwiches or even perfectly excellent choices of soups. Naturally with which, I'd throw in a side of fries. In fact... eventually, the menu read: MISS LINDA'S FRIES. That would be me, btw. Plus, I really liked the owner/cook named Kim. Even better than Kim btw, were the waitresses, but who's counting.

Anyway, Kim and I got along famously for years and years. Uh... until she went bonkers on me, that is. And, I mean bonkers! About four years ago I was with two other friends, we all ordered, my sandwich came but it TOTALLY appeared as if there was no cheese at all on my tuna melt. I kindly told the waitress it looked like there was a mistake, and to please take it back to add the cheese. Okay. No big deal. The waitress happily obliged.

Then... out of nowhere comes Kim who began yelling at me, telling me there WAS cheese on my sandwich and she knows for sure since SHE WAS THE ONE WHO MADE IT. I then explained that the three of us sort of looked and we couldn't even see it at which point Kim got all huffy with me and said: LOOK. I DON'T HAVE TIME TO STAND HERE AND ARGUE WITH YOU BUT YOUR SANDWICH HAD CHEESE ON IT AND THAT'S FINAL. Boom. She walked off.

Wow! I was stunned.

So were the two friends I was with. We couldn't beLIEVE the way Kim behaved... so rude and so embarrassing! I mean... it was crazy. Who the hell was SHE to yell at me like that?? Anyway... I swore from that day on, I would never step foot ever again in Kim's restaurant. And I haven't. 

Nor have I missed it one little bit given that it's just as easy for me to get to the country club, go to their Grill/Coffee Shop and bingo. Have an absolutely delicious lunch with tablecloths, superb service and magnificent view. And, if not there... then a zillion OTHER places in which I can happily dine. Thus basically I was able to say: screw you, Kim. Who the F even needs you, anyway?

Okay. So fast forward to February of this year. What do I and every other person in the city who eats, see in the local newspaper?? We see that Kim has been indicted by the Grand Jury on charges that she swindled some elderly guy... who's now deceased... out of a couple of million dollars and the nephew of the guy is PISSED! He wants it back! 

Talk about music to my ears, right?? Oh... I can't TELL you how much I love this story. Of course Kim denies the entire deal and claims it didn't go down like that all ALL and in fact, she'd happily give back all the money if they want. Yeah, right. I had told everyone I've ever met that this trial was totally going to be my entertainment of the summer given I was going to sit right smack up front in the visitor's gallery to watch this trial from gavel to gavel. With delight, mind you.

So in the meantime, get this... I JUST MAY GET TO DO THIS, AFTERALL! From a front seat, no less! Why you may ask?? Sitting down?? 

Because just this afternoon, when I went to my mailbox, what do I get for the third time since I've lived here.... A JURY SUMMONS!!! For August 10th, I believe!! I AM SO EXCITED, I can't believe it. The summons says it could be for a day or for a complete trial, or for the Grand Jury, even. I PRAY it's for me to sit in judgment of Kim!! Can you even imagine?? Of course, if it's NOT for Kim, then I want nothing to do with this summons shit at all. 

But if it IS... color me smiling!   

I've been called twice before to appear for jury duty and twice I was able to dodge a bullet. The LAST thing I want to do is to hear about some drug addict hoodlum who broke into a house and killed off a family of four. Or any other soap opera scenario, for that matter. Unless of course I know the person, in which case, count me in. ESPECIALLY if it's the restaurant owner! 

Oh man. For THAT, I'll dress to the nines and sit in the jury box for days on end if they want. Can you even imagine? Talk about poetic justice! And btw... yeah, yeah, yeah. I get it that I may be excused given I known this lady and been to her restaurant for years, but still. Let me thrill in the possibility of judging her for at least a LITTLE while, please.


Forget about justice being blind, btw. I'll be HAPPY to convict, with no testimony whatsoever. Well... wait a minute. I'll totally do my duty to hear all the evidence and come up with a just verdict... but I SO want to see this lady shiver in her seat. If the evidence does in fact implicate her then YIPPEE. I'll be tickled pink. Besides to my way of thinking, once the Grand Jury brings charges against you.... uh... you're kinda F'ed if you ask me. Not to mention probably guilty.    

TV

I've never ever seen even one episode of Game of Thrones. Never saw Orange is the New Black, either. In fact there are hordes of television shows the entire world watches, all of which I' haven't. I know... I'm a total loser. On the other hand...

I've never missed a Friday night show with Bill Maher. Plus... my DVR is totally filled with almost every episode of The Big Bang Theory. I record CBS Sunday Morning every week and I religiously watch Chris Matthews daily. I watch ABC's World News Tonight each and every evening, too.

Okay. So I do have plenty of TV under my belt. BUT... I may just have to give it all up at some point given I'm sick to my stomach way too often on what is being aired. Not necessarily from the shows themselves, mind you, but instead... from the most horrible, gross looking commercials, ever! They make me want to throw up! And believe you me... commercials are basically shown every 10 seconds. I totally hate that.

What I hate even more however, is how disgusting the medical ads are. I am sooo sick of seeing toe fungi on people's feet, of animated colon troubles, x-rays of a beating heart, paths of digestion, human brain transmitters and God only KNOWS what else. I am so telling you... seeing the insides of people simply make me cringe. Besides... if I wanted to see all this crap, I would have gone to school to become an x-ray technician or radiologist or surgeon or whatever. 

JUST DON'T SHOW ME THE GRAPHIC INSIDES OF PEOPLE WHILE I'M WATCHING TELEVISION. Or don't show me sores all over their body, either. Or anything even close to this garbage. Seriously.

Okay. I get it. We need to become educated about certain medical issues. But TELL me about them. DON'T show them to me. I cannot TELL you how much time I spend looking away from my set, queasy from what I'm kinda being forced to view. I SO much preferred the days when the little Speedy guy came on and told me what to do about heartburn and stomach woes... simply by taking an Alka Seltzer. Boom. Little happy character appears, tells you what to take for an ailment, sings a little song and whammo. We get it. Mission accomplished. 

But NOWadays, you have to see THE most disturbing insides of a body and actually watch how the product works throughout your organs and I totally hate that! Animated or not... the graphics make me sick to my stomach. Case in point, and I know this is weird to write about, but whatever:

As I began this entry, coincidentally, I could feel pressure on my bladder, urging me to get to the bathroom immediately... thus signaling I have a urinary infection coming on. I've been through this before and I know the symptoms like the back of my hand. They aren't pleasant, believe me. But no big deal. I know what's going on, have spoken to my doctor, have the antibiotics I need for this on hand, and easy as 1-2-3, I take them. Knowing of course the discomfort of all this will pretty much be relieved within about an hour. Why am I telling you this??

Because in the olden days, a commercial for a urinary medicine would be pretty easy to watch. You see the product, hear some nice guy or sweet sounding lady describe what to do and bingo. You got the message. But in TODAY'S world I'd have to not only learn about resolving the medical issue but also SEE how a bladder functions, SEE what happens if you've got an infection and WATCH how the urinary tract reacts to the appropriate medicine. WAY too much information, if you ask me. 

Just tell me what the fuck to do and yippee. I'll do it. As in: Oops. I feel major pressure, I know that's not legit, so as soon as this happens, I'll call a doctor to make an appointment and then I'll be seen. WHAT COULD BE EASIER?? Let alone far more pleasant than having to witness an actual bladder.

Which is also why, when I go to a specialist, I detest having to see all those horrible posters they hang on the wall showing the inside parts of the body on which the particular doctor specializes. HE/SHE has to know what it all looks like.... NOT ME. That's why I'm paying them, for God sakes. Oh yeah... and btw... I'm not too crazy about having to look at my OWN x-rays, either. Half the time, I just tell the doctor... hey YOU check them out and simply tell me what's going on. Afterall... I pretty much trust the doctor or I wouldn't be in their office in the first place.

The bottom line to all this ranting? PLEASE just let me watch TV without making me cringe during all the damn commercials. I turn on the set to be informed and/or entertained. Not to want to throw up. All the medical junkies??? Let them go to a channel showing them specifically every disgusting surgical or medical procedure known to man. Just please don't show it to ME in the middle of otherwise excellent programming. Jesus. I so need to contact the top executives of development at ad agencies. I could totally give them an earful... after which I am sure they'll throw me out on my ass. So much for customer feed back.        

BALLET FLATS

 I have always thought that satin ballet boxed toe shoes are by far the most beautiful shoes ever designed for women. You can see what I mean, up above. To me... they are just so damn feminine and delicate looking... thus so very sexy. I mean seriously. The satin ankle wrap arounds? OMG. Stunning! Ballet dance shoes on the other hand... are the soft, usually pink, slip on flats ... often with an elastic strap across the top of the foot... that people wear to regular dance classes, let's say. 

So when manufactures began to create fantastic ballet inspired flats for women at large, about 20 years ago... boom. I was their target audience. And ever since then, the comfort, design and beauty of flats have become way elevated, for sure. 

Which was totally good news for me given 20 years ago was probably just about the time when I was done with high heels. In my 30s I could wear high heels and teach all day, every day with no problem at all. When I was in my 40s I could wear heels when merely going out to dinner, fancy parties, etc. But by my 50s... hello flats for any and all occasions. Uh... except when I totally want a great sexy shoe which only means: in my 60s, all I can and do now wear, is a really pretty kitten heeled shoe, like this one below. Which btw, I own and simply adore wearing.

But for most outfits my go to shoe is DEFinitely an incredible looking flat. Thus when a couple of years ago, shoe companies came up with a fantastic flat, married with the look of a ballet toe shoe, I was so in. In fact, I was thrilled. I totally loved the look! And btw, I have to thank Jessica Simpson for that. Hers were the first design like this that I saw and bingo. I bought them on the spot. Here... have a look of what I own. I particularly love wearing them with dresses, in case anyone cares.

Of course really high end manufacturers designed some incredible ballet toe flats too, but they are MAjor pricey. Case in point: this is another ballet toe flat, but from CHLOE, which can be yours for a mere $450. And trust me... if I were a really wealthy woman, I'd have them in every color possible. Which actually, I can't now, given I do believe this particular design has been retired. Oh well. No big deal. Because I have PLENty of other shoes in my closet.

Like this next one, for instance. Remember when I was spending my entire time being sure I had every item of fashion in this year's rose quartz color? Well Talbot's was kind enough to make these flats for me... well, okay; for the entire female population, too but whatever... which as it happens, matches perfectly to a pair of slacks they also made for me. Thank you, thank you Talbots! In any case... I totally love this color! I think I just may need to pop some pearls or something on them however, to spruce them up a bit but still... they are a beautiful suede flat in a remarkably beautiful color, even as a stand alone.

And by the way... I have no clue whatsoever where this store is, but WOW. Are they serious?? This is so totally a store I could easily learn to love since just LOOK at the selection of flats from which one could choose. 

Can you believe it?? OMG. Now THIS is what I call a shoe store, alright! Man I could spend a whole damn day here, trying on every single style, in every single color. Including the sparkly ones too... well, as long as they don't look like a 4 year old's pair on my 68 year old foot, that is. Besides... note the ease with which one could grab a shoe and simply try it on. I think anyway. 

Also... get a load of the color choices! Jesus. I'd be in shoe heaven for sure. Ahhhh... if only, right? Besides... just as they say you can never be too thin or too rich... you also can never have enough shoes in your closet. Check. Mission accomplished. 

A MEAN, SLOW DEATH

Not mine, thank God. Nor anyone I love. But still... if I didn't kick the bucket yesterday then I probably won't for a long time yet to come. Instead, the mean slow death that's happening is: to my beloved Kindle DX. And I couldn't be sadder.

After about 5 years of using it each day and night, it now needs to be on life support 24/7 meaning: the battery is pretty much kaput and the only way it will read to me is if I keep it plugged in and charged the entire time. And no... you can't really just buy a new battery to pop in and boom. Bring it back to life. Besides... they don't even MAKE my model anymore which is way too bad since I love it maybe more than other device I own. Anyway....

After speaking to Amazon, I learned the only product that has text to speech is the new Kindle Fire 10. Just my luck... the priciest Fire too, but what else is new. I then decided instead of just ordering a Fire directly from Amazon, I needed instead to actually go and see how all these Fire items look and operate. So I headed on over to Best Buy last Friday and the next you know... I'm now the proud new owner of a Kindle Fire 10 tablet. Not to be confused with my iPad tablet, btw. Don't ask. Anyway...

I then went to YouTube to see all how to set up the new Fire and figure out all it's features. I even Googled a zillion questions I had and as it happened... I was able to actually do the set up pretty well. That's the good news. The bad news is:

When I got to the part for which I am actually using the Fire... for all my books and the text to speech feature to read to me... I had to call Amazon tech support to specifically learn how to get my 350 books from my old Kindle onto the new tablet. Uh... after 4 hours on the phone and still not having all my books downloaded onto the Fire, I was ready to commit hari kari. Seriously. Granted... the lady on the phone was patient as hell, but still. I wanted to F the world by now and simply exit it peacefully via an overdose of champagne, doggy downers or SOMEthing. Anything.

To complicate matters... my wifi was not helping at all. On both my tablets, my internet connection operates only intermittently. Kinda like it has a mind of it's own as to when it wants to receive my signal or doesn't.  SO frustrating. So... finally I broke down and said THAT'S IT. To hell with the book downloads and I immediately called it a day with Amazon support. 

Instead, I called AT&T and said: PLEASE GET SOMEONE OVER HERE LICKETY SPLIT AND FIGURE OUT WHY THE F MY BRAND NEW WIRELESS WiFi WON'T CONSISTENTLY RECOGNIZE MY TABLETS! Enough of this bullshit, already. I TOTALLY NEED SOMEONE OUT HERE SINCE I AM AN OLD LADY HAVE NO CLUE ABOUT MODEM CRAP. And oh yeah... DON'T MAKE ME WAIT DAYS. I'M TALKING HOURS, HERE. Uh... thanks very much.

Bingo. The guy must have taken pity on me and yippee he was going to send a guy out the very next day. I was totally able to now give up the idea of doing myself in and instead, would patiently await AT&T 's arrival. Yay! Right on time, Kevin or Darryl or whatever his name was, showed up right smack on time and fixed the problem within an hour, I guess. Apparently I had two WiFi passwords going on... or something like that... and we needed to delete one, establish another one altogether and then sync all my six other devices to the brand new password. Whew. Mission accomplished, I'm happy to say.

By this time I was pretty much smiling and sat down to now begin testing the Fire's text to speech. BOOM. IT WORKED! Hallef'inglujah.

Uh... except for one major glitch, that is. THE HIGHEST VOLUME IS SO DAMN SOFT I CAN HARDLY HEAR THE DAMN THING. It's crazy. My old Kindle could be heard from a nearby room. THIS Kindle can only be heard from a VERY nearby table top. SO not what I was hoping for. I then of course Googled every and any complaint the entire world had about this volume crap and sure enough... zillion of others are unhappy with the quiet volume dilemma as well. So not what I wanted to hear. No pun intended.Talk about the fix being worse than the problem itself!

Which only means I'm back to square one. At bedtime I need my plugged in Kindle DX. During the day I can MAYbe use my Kindle Fire. Talk about mission being only semi accomplished. Trust me... already I can see that soon enough I'll be on eBay selling my new Fire, for I'm pretty sure the next generation will totally have the volume problem corrected. 

Of course I'll then have to actually LEARN how to sell on eBay given I'm a pro only in buying. I just have no clue how to sell. Spending money? I'm pretty damn good. Making money? Uh... not so much.    

WHAT 68 LOOKS LIKE

So all I can tell you is: my birthday celebration was a major success. Let alone maybe one of my alltime favorite birthdays ever. Claudia totally did a magnificent job in dinner decor and dinner menu, which by the way, I had told her exactly what to serve. I know... kinda ballsy of me but I totally didn't want to head to the playhouse with too full a stomach. Turns out the sandwich fixings, mac and cheese, coleslaw, etc. was simply outSTANDING. T'was an easy menu alright but wow. Talk about elevating the feast. Oh yeah... the cake was beyond delicious.

Therefore I had an excellent evening even before we saw the play but man o man... after we all headed out to the playhouse, found our seats and settled into the play... rock and roll fire works began almost immediately. PHENOMENAL is all I can say. THEN... to make the evening even more spectacular, I walked outside after the show and lo and behold who should I see standing in front of me but... MY NIECE LAURA AND HER SON, ALEX... WITH A DOZEN YELLOW ROSES FOR ME!

I was beyond thrilled and comPLETEly surprised! I wished I had a picture of what my amazingly delighted face must have looked like. They had spent the day driving up from Boca to come visit for my birthday weekend and I can't even TELL you how happy their visit made me. Want to spend every moment laughing and having the best f'ing fun of your life?? Boom. Totally hook up with these two. You'll adore them. Anyway....

Up above you see what 68 looks like in the Land of Linda. Granted... I may look way worse compared to some others my age but then again... I could maybe also look way better than some of them too, so basically... the choice is yours. Being 68 is no picnic, btw. Yes. I'm pretty healthy and surrounded with lots of love, family and friends. BUT just you wait. 

For you too, will see that all those commercials on TV for all kinds of  medical and/or body issues and realize eeks... they are pretty much pointed right smack in your direction. I don't want to get graphic here so suffice it to say: everything from dry eyes to viagra, and everything in between, so will become part of your 68 year old radar, for sure. Your ears will immediately perk up, believe me, as TV kindly mentions every medicine you should probably be discussing with your doctor. Don't ask. But... that's the bad news.

The good news is: 68 is also a fantastic time in life to sleep late, stay up late, eat whenever/whatever the fuck you want, take happy lazy walks not worrying about "working out", play with friends anytime or all the time, relish every nap you want and basically just kinda figure out how you want to kill time each and every day. You also get to collect money from Social Security... best invention known to man, btw... you get to enjoy whatever hobby/exercise you love best, you get to enjoy your kids without having to "raise" them anymore and best of all you now have way more knowledge/wisdom than more than half the people in the entire country.

Of course there still are 68 year old idiots, but at this age you now never really have to deal with them, thank God. Kinda like: you simply get to say right smack into their face... you're totally out of your mind, so F.Y. In fact, I love that I now allow myself to actually hate assholie people with no remorse whatsoever. It's a rite of passage if you ask me and a rite I've happily embraced.

Ooops. Wait. There is one thing that totally sucks: having no clue what the hell to do regarding all the electronic devices now cramming our lives. THAT part of being old is a MAJOR pain in the ass. Were I under 40 for instance, I would understand everything my tv remote, smart phone and tablet can do. And how to fix it whenever it fucks up. Case in point: When my WiFi was recently updated, the guy synced it to all my wireless devices. Including my iPad. Only one problem however. The iPad now wants to recognize the Wifi only sporadically and I have no clue whatsoever how to correct this. Call AT&T? Call Apple? Call the kid down the street? WHAT?? I even went into Wifi settings but believe you me... it was a total mystery thus I don't even want to get inVOLVED with that crap. I'm too damn old.

In the meantime, I do have to say that everyone who knows me apparently has me pegged, alright. MY GIFTS WERE GREAT. Some years they've been so-so but I do have to say... THIS year everyone put excellent thought into what I am all about hence I got everything from a Google Play gift card to a stunning oversized rose colored gold watch. But again... the best present I received was the visit from Laura and Alex. I'm kinda pissed I don't have any pictures of the three of us btw, but yippee... I do have a couple from my celebration which you can see down below. In closing... I have to confess: turning 68 has pretty much been very good to me, thank God. Afterall... for all I know things can totally go all down hill from here on in. DEAR GOD: PLEASE LET MY MANY MORE BIRTHDAYS YET TO COME... NOT SUCK. THANK YOU GOD. AMEN.

And yes... every year I totally take my birthday wish VERY seriously. I don't care how long it takes me to complete it; the others simply have to wait until I finish it to my complete satisfaction. Only THEN can we chow down on delicious cake and ice cream. Which afterall, if you really want to know... is naturally the REAL reason I love my birthdays.

             

MAY = BIRTHDAY

Total yippee. This is my birthday week. Am pretty stoked about it, too. Here I am 68 years old and life has been pretty damn good, if I say so myself. Am thrilled I'm apparently not kicking the bucket any time soon by having some horrible disease. I'm also thrilled I can pretty much buy myself any damn present I want. Well... within reason, that is. And I'm certainly thrilled that my life is filled with wonderful family and friends. And to top it off, I'm thrilled with my birthday plans tomorrow!

To kick off the celebration, I got a box of DEEElious chocolate covered strawberries from my kid today along with an ecard they also sent. These strawberries are my alltime favorite and they are HUGE, as Donald likes to say. I've already downed two of them and have only had them for about 2 hours. What I loved best about the ecard btw, is that my son included a picture of us on the front, each wearing red framed glasses. His he probably ditched a long time ago by now but mine have fallen off the face of the earth as of a year and a half ago. I'm still heartsick over it but whatever.

I've invited 17 of my favorite girlfriends for a Girl's Night Out party. We will first start off with a simple dinner at Claudia's house where I will totally love my birthday cake for dessert. You have no idea how much I look forward to birthday cake each and every year! We'll have a fabulous time chit chatting, eating, maybe even getting soused for all I know. Then afterwards we'll mozey on over to the playhouse, which is not far, for THE best evening of rock 'n roll. You see that picture up above?

That's the play we're all going to see... a musical tribute of these 4 men. Elvis, Jerry Lee Lewis, Johnny Cash and Carl Perkins. The reviews have been fanTAStic and I'm SO looking forward to seeing this production! I can tell already I'll be singing every word to every song right smack out loud, meaning I'll probably ruin the music for everyone around me but I don't give a shit. I'm going to have FUN... much like Cyndi Lauper wants me to. Besides... I'm pretty much already a material girl, kinda like Madonna so perfectly depicted in her excellent song. Boom. Put the two together and next thing you know I'll be in my Birthday Glory. Anyway...

I'm pretty sure I've already mentioned this years ago but on every birthday I always wear an outfit of my favorite color... white... and this year will be no different. Believe me... I am dying to wear pale pink, but on the day of my birthday it totally has to be white. I already know which outfit I'll be too, and I'm going to love wearing it. Thank GOD the temps will be in the mid 60s which reminds me... the entire month of May so far has been so damn delightful it's more than I could have ever asked for. Three nights ago I even had the heat on for an hour! DEAR GOD: PLEASE LET THE WEATHER STAY THIS COOL RIGHT SMACK UP TO SEPTEMBER. THANK YOU GOD. AMEN. Regardless...

All I know is that who the hell can even imagine what next May could bring me, so it's pretty important that I celebrate every birthday like there's no tomorrow. God forbid. Which brings me to my last point: OMG. I'M GOING TO BE 68 F'ING YEARS OLD. I am STUNNED. Besides neither Bob nor Linda ever REACHED their 60s so every year is pretty important to celebrate, if you ask me. And... if you're in good health. And btw... when I turn 70?? Holy shit... I'll freak but PLENTY. Unless of course I look utterly fantastic in which case then yippee.

I never freaked out when I turned 40, 50 or 60. But 70?? Jesus. Now THAT'S moving on in years, for sure. That'll give me what? Another 10 years before I'm gone from the face of the earth forever?? Maybe even less for all I know?? Holy Mother F. 

What I do know is that whenever I'm sitting in some wheelchair, dribbling from my mouth, needing someone to feed me my birthday cake then THAT my friend is totally the time to call Dr. Kevorkian. If I can't feed myself french fries, cake and lobster then who even needs to celebrate anymore? Besides... even Cyndi and Madonna are looking older nowadays which is way too bad. I'd love to stay this age forever. If only.