Sunday, July 31, 2016

THE EQUATOR


Uh... forget about traveling to the infamous equator.... that imaginary line which divides the northern and southern hemispheres... where it just so happens to be THE hottest place on earth. And where, factoring in global warming, who even KNOWS what the temperature could wind up being now. I'd never ever consider making such a trip to where the heat is so outrageously ridiculous.

Except... that is just what I did a couple of weeks ago.

Only this time, I traveled to Florida. Oh. My. God. I only WISHED I were at the equator. Where I am told the daily heat weighs in at about an average of 87 degrees. Turns out... compared to where I was in Florida... the equator is almost like as if a cold front had come through. For in Florida, they had a blistering heat estimation of about 93 degrees, let's say. Not even counting the real feel temperature, either. Nighttime temps probably dropped to a soothing 84. 

ARE YOU F'ING KIDDING ME?? Who the hell would even WANT to live in such temps, anyway?? Apparently even hotter than the equator! Soooo unbearable is all I can say. And believe me... I totally packed all my crappy summer weight clothes and yet even that didn't help me any. 

Why I'm always having to be in Florida during THE hottest months of the year, is beyond me, but for the past three years, that's exactly what's happened. Regardless of the happy reason for which I went. I mean seriously. I love Laura and all, but really. Her next big milestone birthday has so got to be celebrated in January or February. Although unfortunately I don't see anyone ever asking me my opinion so that idea is basically kaput. Regardless... to Florida I went.

Given it was all a big surprise party for now 50 year old Laura, I couldn't even be with her the first day and a half I was there. Though I did have a perfectly wonderful substitute given her boss and good friend, Amy, did an excellent job as a stand in. In fact, Amy was not only so generous with her time and fun but even more important... became my personal shopper for the junk food my travels require. As in: who could ask for more. ROOM SERVICE? UH, NO THANKS. I HAVE AMY COMING ANY MINUTE NOW AND I'LL BE FULLY STOCKED, BUT THANKS ANYWAY. Even as we speak, I'm afraid to open the last huge bag of Peanut M&Ms for fear I'll down it in no time flat. 

Not only was her junk food spot on, but I had an incredible moment of major clarity when I was in Florida. I realized that the worst meal one could ever have down there was totally better than the best meal I could ever have up here, in my stupid little town with all kinds of restaurants. Well, except for the country club maybe, where I'm headed tonight, but whatever. I am so telling you.... I was in stupendous foodie heaven, equator or no equator. On the other hand... I do have admit that while I was in temperature hell alright, being back home is no picnic either. HOT. HOT. HOT. Man. I can't WAIT until the next four weeks are over and I can then again look forward to returning to the 70s. Let alone actually going outside to enjoy some real fresh air once again!

If I had to live on the deserts of the Middle East by the way, I'd have no choice but to shoot myself. Not to mention the fact I'd probably have to be wearing an entire ensemble of burqas, caftans, niqabs, and God only knows what else the men who rule there would make me wear. Living THERE, no wonder the religious beliefs are such that we are in hell here on earth, and will only find paradise once we kick the bucket. If such were the case for me... I'd GLADLY search out paradise lickety split. 

Does no one go swimming in the Mid East, btw? NEWS FLASH: yes they do. Wearing THIS, if you can believe it or not:



Some swim get up, right? Can you even imagine what the Mid Easterners would think of THIS western swimming apparel in the picture below? OMG. They'd have a heat stroke right on the spot, no pun intended. Warning by the way: not for the faint of heart, so viewer beware... and no, Heads of Blogger.com, I am not trying to be racey. I'm trying instead, to make a point although I do admit, this is SOME point, alright.



Whoa. I know. This micro bikini is a bit much, even for me, but I bet you see plenty of these in Brazil, let's say. Hence: The Brazilian wax. 

And though you can see why one is needed, rest assured that every female under the age of 50, that you happen to see walking down the street, well... just know she too, is pretty much sporting this 21st century look. Just ask her doctors and/or partners. And... by the way... in case you imagine this lady is being modest or something, that is totally a tattoo you're looking at there. 

In any case, all I can say is: global warming is so here and apparently it's here to stay. I can totally remember the days when I was growing up and didn't even HAVE air conditioning in the house! Let alone at school, in stores, offices, etc. Granted, my parents were kind enough to send me to sleep away camp each year in much cooler weather, but even that weather is no longer on the list of promised comfort. Thank God they wised up and finally got room air conditioners, eventually taking the big plunge and doing central air throughout our entire home.

Oh yeah... while those days were in the 1960s I also remember the days beginning with 2000 where my aging parents, while indeed having central air, felt that leaving the thermostat at a cool 79 degrees in mid summer was totally acceptable. Man. Don't even ask. In the meantime...  

Next summer I should probably consider actually vacationing at the equator. Can you even imagine? It seems as if THERE is as cool as almost anywhere on the planet. I could head to Brazil, Ecuador or even the Uganda for instance and still be ahead of the curve. Besides... all I'd have to pack is three bathing suits. Boom. Done. Totally scary. Not the heat of course. Instead... me in my swimsuit.      

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