WAIT AND YE SHALL RECEIVE

Well holy moly. It finally happened! After seven years of waiting for the my maple trees to grow AND have stunning orange and/or yellow leaves... THIS IS THE YEAR. I am so damn thrilled, you have no idea!

Every day this week I have gone out to my deck to photograph the daily color changes and by today, almost all of the leaves have turned orange. I can't believe it! NO WONDER I LOVE AUTUMN SO MUCH! I have three maple trees and they look just so beautiful, I can hardly stand it.

Many trees around the city have indeed already lost their leaves, but for some reason, this year, the LEAF GODS have decided to let mine remain on the branches and change their color. Just the way it's SUPPOSED to be! The weather has soooo much to do with which trees will shed, which trees will have vibrant colors and which trees will turn brown way before coloration even occurs. THIS year was the year for my very own backyard. THANK GOD. It's about damn time, I'll say that much.

Am totally bummed that my kid won't be home in time to see this but I've sent him pictures.  He doesn't arrive until Thanksgiving week and trust me... by then, NO tree will have any leaves left on it. I have to say btw, I have seen very little outstanding reds and yellows this year, but doesn't matter all that much given my FAVorite color is orange. Some years the coloration is SO F'ING STUNNING it takes your breath away and I have to immediately stop the car, whip out my camera and snap a shot.

Honest to God... I NEVER saw this kind of beauty in Miami, EVER. Which is yet another reason I am tickled pink I never have to live there ever again. And hopefully... never have to even visit. I'm telling you... this has been SO worth the wait of 7 years.


And with that... just thought I would throw in the fact there is a 60% chance that we'll have about an inch of snow tomorrow!! EEEKS. Which is totally freaking me out given the Halloween party I'm attending tomorrow night is WAY up a mountain. OMG. My stomach is already going nuts. I already decided, btw... if the weather keeps me from attending, then I am DEFINITELY saving my costume for next year! I am totally in love with it.

HELLO LINDA... WELCOME BACK!

Man... I can't TELL you what great feeling is to be back to the Land of Linda. AND back to being my honest to goodness self once again! I had no CLUE I was even gone, but lo and behold... since I've returned to my real self, I'm thrilled to no end.

It all began about 10 months ago, I think. I totally felt as if I were being pulled in a zillion different emotional directions, and apparently, it was taking a toll on me. Not that I even realized it mind you, but one by one, each issue was beginning to weigh heavily upon my psyche. However... I THOUGHT I was doing okay. I THOUGHT I was happy enough. I THOUGHT I had everything under control. I basically THOUGHT I was still me. 

Uh... but apparently not. Because it was like one day, a couple months ago, I just woke up and said: HOLY SHIT. TIME OUT, HERE. I TOTALLY THINK I'M NOT MY HAPPY GO LUCKY SELF ANYMORE AND I DEFINITELY THINK I NEED TO GET A GRIP HERE. It was like a definite Admiral Stockdale moment from the 1992 VP debate where he actually verbalized aloud: WHO AM I? WHY AM I HERE? Jesus. Now THERE was one troubled, dude, alright. Anyway... 

Seriously, for a good 10 months, I was beginning to uh... miss being ME. What the hell happened to that happy, carefree lady that was all about fun, feasts and festivities, anyway? I LOVED that lady and then I realized not only was I missing in action, but more importantly, I was beginning to miss me like crazy!

Whoa. It was a startling revelation, to say the least. I couldn't believe that I was walking through the MOTIONS of being that remarkable Linda of ole, but in reality... I was somehow but a mere shadow of her for a while. Which is why, in the past several weeks, I took a long, hard look at myself, mulled over some personal bullshit issues, modified some actions and behaviors and bingo. GUESS WHAT?

I ACTUALLY DO BELIEVE I'M TOTALLY BACK TO THE LADY I USED TO BE, AND ESPECIALLY, TO THE LINDA I'VE GROWN TO LOVE AND ADORE.

I can't tell you how thrilled I am! Hello Linda... it's totally fanTASTIC to see me, again! And, it's fantastic to have all the bullshit behind me so that once again, I can entertain the world with my presence, my wit and yes, my charm. I know... I'm modest, right??

In the meantime, I guess some people take meds when they say WHOA NELLIE... WHERE'D THE REGULAR ME GO??... but am happy to say I didn't have to go that route at all. I guess I just needed time to work things out in my head until everything finally settled down once again. I also think that, not only were the past 10 months so very hard on me, BUT couple that with the long, horrible summer months that I so hate anyway and boom. It just maybe turns out I needed beautiful, peaceful autumn to arrive so I could become myself all over again.

Granted... during all this time, had you spent time with me, YOU'D have thought I was my normal, jolly self. For in reality, in spite of my being so outgoing and open and direct, I am indeed a very private person when it comes to the major personal side of me. I would NEVER have divulged whatever angst I might be feeling to anyone. So whereas YOU would have thought I was A-OKAY, I would have definitely known better. I mean I was going out, being social, doing my regular things in life, etc. but frankly... my heart really wasn't into it at all. Until now, that is. HALLEFUCKINGLUJAH. Plus...

And this is big... For the past 10 months I didn't even have it in me to do my beloved yoga!! Which REALLY should have been a clue, I guess. For I absolutely love my yoga sessions. Which thank GOD I began doing again two weeks ago. Granted... I am NOwhere where I used to be in flexibility. But my 45 minute session tonight for instance, was WAY better than when I began. But trust me... I have a long way yet to go. Don't even ask. My stretches are borderline painful. True, the muscles and ligaments are easing up but man. Don't EVER stop doing yoga for ten months. You'll want to shoot yourself altogether.

So yes... I'm glad to be back to the Land of Linda. You may not have missed her, but lordy, lordy, I sure did. I'm definitely happily psyched about the Halloween costume I'm donning Saturday night. I'm tickled pink about the Seafood Buffet I'm going to tomorrow night. I'm REALLY thrilled that Bonnie AND Teresa are back in full swing once again. And best of all... if you ask me how I'm doing and I reply FINE... I'm totally not faking it any longer. Finally. I'll be telling you the God's honest truth. So basically... HI LINDA, WELCOME BACK TO THE LAND OF WELL BEING. Yippee. I totally feel human again.

OLDER MEN

I remember when I was totally cool being with older men. Men who were like in their 50s or 60s. On the other hand... being with men who are in their mid 70s and early 80s, oh man. They are totally NOT cool. If anything, they almost become sort of dummies. I mean it. It's crazy.

I remember many years ago my parents were having their annual pool party, celebrating the Fourth of July. The entire crowd was exactly in their 70s or 80s and I was simply stunned at the group. The women... they were perfectly excellent company and had all their wits about them. But the men?? Jesus. Don't even ask. The men were all in their goofy bathing suits, their chests drooping way more than mine at the moment plus... every five minutes one of the guys would non chalantly expel gas as if they were taking a mere sip of water or something. Trust me... while all the men were having a perfectly fine time... they were definitely disturbing to watch, at best.

It was at that precise moment that I developed my theory: as soon as men turn 75, they become sort of intellectual doof balls. Granted... not ALL men, but most of them, anyway. It's like one minute they can be a bon vivant, offering really wonderful company and then bingo. The next minute, almost exactly on their 75th birthday, they become so damn dull, so damn quirky with their stupid humor, so out of the loop regarding pop culture and so damn void of any sex appeal whatsoEVER. Unless of course they have a kiss that will bring you to your knees. But yeah... good luck with that.

In the meantime, I am now at the age where I hang out with alot of 70 year old gents. Some 80s, too. Jesus. It just freaks me out. I can't beLIEVE what's doing with these guys. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I know... many folks would call me an elitist for feeling so biased about aging men but I just can't help it; I've lived this. I've had to dump several men just because they were totally proving my theory to be spot on. Huh? Christina Aguilera?? Who the hell is SHE?? Seth Rogen? Have no clue. Goth?? Never heard of it. Ice bucket challenge?? Oh yeah... I sorta heard something about that somewhere.

Don't ask.

I particularly love dining out with men this age. Wait... l don't love it at all. Instead I love how shocked I am at their crazy ass lunacy. The conversation is border line nuts because I find that time and time again men just MAKE THINGS UP as if they know WTF they are talking about. Men who apparently USED to be bright and delightful, but who now, all of a sudden come up with the MOST outrageous statements ever, claiming they are indeed, fact. Oh really?? Are you kidding me??

Okay. Okay. It's true. Todd Akin, the guy who claimed women's bodies have a shut off valve during "legitimate rape", is only in his 60s yet this is a perfect example of how horribly worrisome his family should be, come the next 20 years. By THEN he'll be ready for the BIGGEST DUMB ASS EVER AWARD known to man. I totally shudder to think. But regardless... you get my point.

Oh yeah. My favorite thing to do when dining or hanging out with an older man is to definitely call him out on his constant, insane ignorance. Which can basically keep me busy all evening long, too, I might add. I am like so far ahead of these guys that it totally makes me laugh. Needless to say, it also makes it hard to actually enjoy our spending time together. All of a sudden, I'm like professor, mother, clergyman and instructor all rolled into one, pointing out over and over again how off the wall their comments are. I know... a fine way to warm my way right smack into a man's heart, right. But who cares. They're nuts, remember? Anyway...

Yes. We all have problems with aging. In all kinds of areas, too. I have a slew of them myself. But one problem I DON'T have is: thinking like an asshole. My brain is not only working just fine, but my intelligence is as keen as ever. Of course according to the LINDA SCHOOL OF STATISTICS, I figure I may have about a good 10 years left, before my own sort of dementia starts kicking in. But at least that's a pretty damn good REASON and/or diagnosis, to be thinking like a jerk. And therefore... when this occurs, I don't imagine I'll then be spending lots of time courting and socializing, proving just how far along I actually AM.     

So... older men: Please. Stop behaving as if all your brain functions have been completely thrown to the wind. Get with it, for God sakes. Especially if you want older women like myself, to hang out with you. Man... at this rate I may have to reconsider things and go back to enjoying the company of men in their 50s.


Not an altogether a bad idea btw, now that I think about it. Besides... I've yet to meet one guy who even THINKS I'm as old as I am. THEY love my perky personality. I love Dr. Harley. Boom. A match made in heaven.

WORDS WITH FRIENDS

Oh yeah?? Friends?? Oh man.... some way to stay friends, alright. First of all... I have one friend with whom I play this game that ALWAYS beats me by at least 100 points. One of my BEST friends, too. On the other hand, I myself have beaten many a friend by my own 100 points, so hmmm... I guess it all evens out in the end.

In the meantime, I totally love this game: WORDS WITH FRIENDS. It's a Scrabble like game and I only decided what? A mere 4 months ago maybe, to join in with the other billions of people on the planet to become a part of this word friendly crowd. Yes, I will admit... I play Scrabble on my computer at least twice a day and have done so, for YEARS. And I have a Crossword book along with other magazines in my bathroom. Only recently however have I decided to play against others in the vast universe. And believe you me, am I ever glad I did!

Other than the fact... oops. IT'S TOTALLY ADDICTING. Seriously. I am now even keeping my iPad on the table next to my recliner so that when I sit down to watch TV at night, I can ALSO be multitasking by playing this game with something like 10 other individual players. And while I adore playing with my actual friends, I ESPECIALLY love the games I am playing with hardcore strangers. I have no clue who they are, where they live, or what the fuck they do. But man... some players are GREAT. I of course have beaten them every single time so far, but that's only because I had fantastic letters with which to make even more fantastic words.

These usually strangers have a mere number as their screen name so I have no clue whether or not they are males or females. I play this one game actually, with whom I am assuming, is a guy. Not just any guy either, because I swear to God... the words he comes up with are so damn challenging and so damn smart that I've concluded I'm playing with: Bill Clinton, himself. AND... if it's NOT him, then I decided it must be Madeleine Albright. He and/or she is a brilliant player and it simply knocks my socks off. Matters not that I beat Bill and/or Madeleine every damn time but trust me... they give me a damn good run for my money, nonetheless. In the meantime...

I have to totally do something about this addiction bit, however. I can sit watching stupid ass TV and playing this game for HOURS at night. Hours during which I should be actually ACCOMPLISHING something! Like doing laundry, straightening the kitchen, SHOWERING, even. But the time just ZOOMS by and the next thing I know... it's hours later and I'm dead tired and have completed no task whatsoever. This is a way to treat your friends?? I totally think not.

Now I must say: I am completely thrilled that I absolutely have no personal dumb ass friends at all. Each one has been to college, each one is as well read as I am, and each one has a remarkable vocabulary. Which is why when I DO beat them, which I often do, I feel as if I'm a Pulitzer Prize winner of sorts. On the other hand, I also have to say... it's often basically a game of chance, since everything depends upon the letters you are dealt in the first place. Thus, I really can't let my winning games go to my head.

One game I AM looking forward to playing came about in a crazy way. I was in the doctor's office recently, kinda talking to the office manager who is one of my favorite people there. She was chatting and I was putting away my smartphone at which time Devan noticed I was doing Words with Friends. OMG SHE SAID. TELL ME YOUR SCREEN NAME... WE SO HAVE TO PLAY! Bingo. Next thing you know we set up a play date and I'm totally going to have a great time with her. 


Besides... I love my friends. I love playing with them. And, I can always enjoy making MORE friends. Of course, I have to totally stop being addicted to them at night, because seriously... this bit of playing until midnight only to have to then shower before bed is becoming a MAJOR drag. Not to mention... a happy waste of possibly productive time all evening long.

Oh yeah... if btw, you aren't impressed with my score down below then you should at least be impressed that I learned how to take a screen shot of my iPad! I was thrilled the night I found out how to do it.

BTW... what's the deal with word in the upper right hand quarter?? I swear to God... I NEVER SAW IT BEFORE NOW. Holy crap. Oops. I mean shit. 

PUMPKIN PATCH

Man... I never thought the day would come. Finally. AUTUMN is here! No real color change yet, but it matters not. The temps are delightful and the season has begun. Next thing I know Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas will be here! Yippee! Of course, a probable harsh winter will ALso be here, given the Almanac calls for crazy ass snow which will then mean power outtages, icy roads, COLD temps, but whatever. I have my generator and Ativan so bingo. Who needs more?

In the meantime, in preparation for all these events, I had to have two problematic Poplar trees in the front of my house cut down. IT WAS LIKE THE FIELD TRIP OF A LIFETIME is all I can say. You can not beLIEVE what an experience this is!! I was wonder struck to say the least.

It all began with Nick and his team who brought enough machinery to cover the entire street in front of my house. I totally felt as if he was getting ready to perform agricultural heart surgery. But whoa... does he ever have his team all prepped and ready to go. It was amazing!

I took a zillion pictures of the entire procedure and you can even view them by clicking on this Link.

I just couldn't help shooting away given 1.) I had never seen anything like this before and 2.) it was WILD. Seeing Nick hanging on a cabled harness about 100 feet... maybe more??... in the air was astounding! I told him: BOOM. THIS ONE'S FOR YOUR MOTHER!

Anyway, the way this operation goes down is something else. The guy who maneuvers the HUGE iron hook which will handle all the cables does so with amazing precision. He has to. Otherwise he'd either drop and/or kill Nick altogether or have the tree totally crash into my house. 

Next thing I see Nick is lifted way way up into the air so he can apparently wrap some rope I guess around the tree truck. THEN if I remember correctly, the tree is sawed at some mid point and whammo. The hook and cable carry the top of the tree, in mid air, back down to the street for grinding. Granted... this is a major watered down description for in actuality everything the surgical team does is pretty damn complicated. AND SCARY.

The whole event took maybe a couple of hours. And oh yeah... I had asked that they not cut the tree stumps flush with the ground. First of all, they never do so I knew I would trip over it and definitely kill myself. Secondly, I decided i wanted to make a bench of sorts by buying a piece of lumber to reach from one stump to the other so I could put flower pots, etc. upon it. Which brings me to the Pumpkin Patch.

SEE THE PUMKINS IN THE PICTURE UP ABOVE?? I totally love welcoming the fall season with these treats! I know... it looks pretty much lame for now, but soon enough I'll add gourds or SOMEthing around the area to make it all pop. Or... maybe not. We'll see. Regardless... I absolutely love the ability of decor possibilities these tree stumps afford me. Major great idea on my part, if I say so myself. In the meantime...

HAPPY AUTUMN EVERYONE! A nip is finally in the air, and the holidays are just around the corner. Which reminds me... I got THE best Xmas decorations ever. Get this... I have been eyeing a product for YEARS and I finally broke down and bought them. Sitting down??


I bought six sparkly colored laser lights that shine onto your home or landscaping or whatever and ARE WAY COOL when you see them at night. Like a party happening all over the exterior of your house! I bought green and red and btw... you should SEE what they do to the interior of the house for a party or whatever. I'm totally psyched to see what they'll look like when they're stuck in the ground and plugged in over Thanksgiving weekend. And... just in case I CAN'T get them to work... here's what they're SUPPOSED to look like. Crossing my fingers! 

P.S. If I EVER see any of my neighbors copying me... I'm totally reporting them to the Homeowner's Association.

TELLY TIDBITS

Okay. So I'm now up to 60 recorded episodes of Everybody Loves Raymond, but who's counting. Other than it's beginning to use up zillions of my allotted space on the DVR. Whatever. What I'M REALLY into this week is the absolutely FANTASTIC documentary on The Roosevelts on PBS.

It began Sunday night and is on every night this week, I guess and I'm totally telling you there is nothing better you could possibly be doing than watching this series. In fact, every American should be mandated to watch this if you ask me, before they're allowed to vote. Not that the show has much to do with voting per se, but it's incredible as to the telling of history in the United States. So basically... as you can see... I'm loving every second of this show.

No wonder. I not only love politics, but I love biographies even more. Plus... I adore dynasties, so watching all about the Roosevelts is so up my alley. And to make it all the better... I get to actually SEE AND HEAR all the people which of course you can't do in a book. The first two episodes seems to center alot on Teddy Roosevelt and well it should. Learning and seeing from whence he came and where he got, is just astounding. The respect one develops for this amazing American is beyond belief. To me... Teddy is possibly THE most genius President we've ever had. The fact that Franklin and Eleanor is thrown into the mix is mere icing on the delicious cake.

One of my favorite quotes of the night was from one of the narrators who basically said: The Founding Fathers saw our government as laws which are spelled out specifically and thus must be adhered to accordingly. Teddy Roosevelt, on the other hand saw our government in a way whereby if the Constitution does not specifically prohibit an activity by law, then boom. It's legal and we're totally allowed to do it. Kinda edgy thinking, right?? I don't know if I expressed this correctly, but regardless... it's very much Teddy's way of "thinking outside the box" if you ask me.

In the meantime, I can't get OVER the personal obstacles the Teddy, Franklin and Eleanor had to overcome in their lives. Which naturally groomed them to then become the major personalities of our history that they indeed have. Me? A personal obstacle? Boom. I collapse and fall into bitching and complaining and worrying and crying. Them? They totally see each and every almost horrific obstacle they come upon as a challenge to overcome and move forward. I'm telling you: there is no way Sarah Delano Roosevelt would have EVER put up with the likes of me. So... the bottom line??

Hit your tablet and download the PBS app and begin streaming this series or check out ON DEMAND and begin recording it. You SO won't be sorry and it almost makes the Kennedy brothers look like big high school losers. Well... not really, but I do believe the Roosevelts were of finer society. And oh yeah. Speaking of TV...

Thank GOD Bill Maher is back!! I was lost without him this summer but I must say... his return last Friday night was spectacular. Not only did he do his REAL TIME show live, from Washington, D.C. but IMMEDIATELY after it, within 5 minutes, he ran right smack over to do a double DC LIVE event at the Warner Theater for yet ANOTHER performance, but this time, an hour of his stand up. IT WAS FANTASTIC! All I can say is: I could live on this sort of television entertainment for ever! Who the hell could ASK for anything better?? Which only means...


I've been in TV heaven this week. Which is good, given that any day now, I will need to wean myself from the nightly news broadcasts altogether. Don't ask. If you're not suicidal to begin with, you well could be, by the week's end of daily news reports. Thank God for documentaries and comedies. I am totally their target audience. 

HELLO BONNIE... GOODBYE TERESA

Geez... Now I REALLY have consider shooting myself. Especially since I just now finished waiting 2½ months for Bonnie to heal from her broken pelvis so she could finally return to working with me. Whew. Totally thrilled on my end. 

BUT THEN... what do I hear today?? OMG.

Teresa has fallen and broken three of her ribs. And God only KNOWS when she'll be back. I'M TOTALLY FREAKED needless to say.

In the end, I was able to kinda handle what Bonnie does for me, and while she was gone indeed, I did get through it. Not happily of course, but I did it. BUT TERESA?? CLEANING A HOUSE?? I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW WHERE TO FUCKING BEGIN TO DO THAT!

Well wait. I CAN begin by saying: all the those things I see Teresa doing each week?? I SO don't want to do them. EVER. I hate cleaning. I hate dusting. I am NOT doing the toilets. I CAN'T change the sheets given my own back problems and while I can probably sweep my floors, I'm in no way going to vacuum my carpets. I'm at a total loss here as to what Plan B is going to be, considering that in spite of my hatred of doing housework, I do love a house that is spic and span. And therein lies the rub if ever there was.

Teresa goes to the doctor today to find out what the latest is. My personal fear is  that the latest means: her being out of commission for what? Six weeks maybe?? Can a house even GO that long without cleaning?? 

Uh... I'm thinking not but believe you me... I'm going to stretch that out for as long as I possibly can, alright. Trust me... merely keeping my house ORderly each week is a challenge in and of itself. I can wash dishes and clean the kitchen and do the laundry. BUT I CAN'T CLEAN AN ENTIRE HOUSE FOR GOD SAKES. Seriously... I've NEVER cleaned a house before and I totally don't plan on starting now.

Which means: I basically have to decide which crap I can fake and which crap I have to tackle. Its always amazed me to learn that several of my friends actually clean their homes themselves. HOW I have no clue. No sooner do you get finished with one job then boom. It's time to not only start another job but then in but days, it's time to begin all the jobs all OVER again from the start. Talk about never ending! Plus... these women seem pretty content with their own housework. HUH? How is that even possible??

Listen... I'm pretty pleased with my gardener, my househelp, my personal assistant, my service folks, etc. etc. I'm NOT pleased that I have to actually beCOME one of them. I just can't believe all this. BTW... I have this motto by which I live wherein I never begin a new project until I've cleaned up from the one before. It can be cooking, it can be cutting fabric, it can be unpacking, it can be anything. Boom. I need to start with an absolutely pristine work place. 

Which all points to the fact that now, without Teresa, I'll be bringing a whole new meaning to my other motto: Cleanliness is next to Godliness. Thus... I'm almost wondering if I need to begin punching a time clock or something just to be sure I get all my chores done. Or even better... I just may have to revert to the nursery rhyme song: "This is the way we wash our clothes, wash our clothes, wash our clothes. This is way we wash our clothes so early Monday morning." Luckily the REST of the verses will tell me exactly what to do on every day thereafter. 


All I can say is: I can not WAIT until Teresa is up and running again. I'll miss her more that anyone can imagine. She does sound in great spirits, however. And, she is FAR from lazy, thus she is eager to get back to normal. Which only means: For now, I am on my knees... not scrubbing my floors, mind you... but instead: praying Teresa gets better and SOON. My poor house is so in need of her weekly expertise. Not to mention... MY OWN need of her weekly help. 

Dear God: Please help Teresa heal lickety split so I can have a spic and span house once again, REAL soon. Besides... Teresa is totally deserving of ALL your blessings so I kinda hope you're listening. Thank you, God. Amen.     

GETTING OLD

Five years ago, I basically had no problem whatsoever with aging. Life was pretty snappy and everyone in my life was swimming along pretty well. But now... five years later??

Oh man... I am just so sick... no pun intended... of people I know who are... what else? SICK. And I mean, REALLY sick. From like out of the freakin' blue, boom. They are being told uh... sorry, you've got but months to live. WHAT?? WTF ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?? WHO THE HELL SAID? WHY? WHAT'S GOING ON? Some people in fact, have alREADY kicked the bucket. It's crazy.

THANK GOD that so far I've received no such news. I've not been diagnosed with any major diseases. Instead... I get CONDITIONS. Now, how the hell long THAT will last I have no clue, but I do know I'm not going through any major treatments to give me what? Another miserable eight months? Because trust me... the treatments just want to make you WISH you were dead.

Anyway... the older I'm becoming , the more shocking it is for me to hear of those around me becoming sick. Just last week for instance, a friend of mine was told, after six months of having been to doctors to find out why she's feeling so rotten: Guess what. You've got stage four cancer and have like 30 days to live! Don't ask.

Which is why it was even MORE shocking to me last week to learn of the death of Joan Rivers. Thankfully SHE HAD NO illness or disease. She was happy as a little lark, dining out, doing book tours, selling her clothing line on QVC, doing FASHION POLICE, performing on stage, etc. etc. This woman expended more energy in a month than I do in a year. Joan was in perfect health.

AND THEN?? Whammo out of nowhere, a simple endoscopy leaves her dead. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? I mean... how Melissa is dealing with all this, I'll never know. I don't even KNOW Joan Rivers and I'm heartsick over her death. THIS DIDN'T HAVE TO HAPPEN! Somebody fucked up but GOOD and you can bet your sweet ass I'm going to follow the medical trail here to learn as much as they tell us about what the hell happened. There was just no way Joan was ready to check out. SOMEONE at that CLINIC checked her out. And I'm plenty pissed about it, too.

Granted.... Joan was 81 years old. But I know PLENTY of 80 year olds who are doing just fine, still driving, and getting reasonably good health reports. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Men can't get it up like they did 20 years ago. And women need panty liners and like to be home by maybe nine in the evening. But still... life is still pretty damn good. Very much like Joan's life was. All I know is that her death was just soooo unnecessary. Well... according to the Linda School of Procedures, anyway.

Joan Rivers' funeral is today and I can only imagine the sadness that will fill the synagogue. Losing someone is always a very sad occasion. Losing someone whose time not yet arrived however, is criminal. And in my book... Joan's death was a tragic crime.  


   

ALLTIME BEST INVENTION EVER

I always used to say that paper towels, toilet tissue and maybe burglar alarms were the best inventions known to man. Probably even washing machines and dryers could be thrown into the mix. Plus of course a zillion OTHER fantastic inventions. And then one day... the world decided that the greatest achievement of all time was in 1969 when Man first set foot upon the moon. If you weren't alive, sitting in front of your TV like I was when this occurred... then man. You totally missed an INCREDIBLE MOMENT IN THE LIVES OF HUMAN BEINGS.

So granted, that was SOME big damn f'ing deal, alright. But then again... so was TV, electricity, telephone, etc. Believe me... I could name hundreds of amazing inventions since even I was born. But in 1992 when I got my first Apple IIc home computer I thought it was absolutely miraculous. When soon after that, I got my first Windows PC then things REALLY got crazy what with the first online/email, etc. capabilities.

Which got me to thinking today... according to the Linda School of Inventions... I'd have to say that in spite of all other discoveries, the Internet is by far THE best invention of my lifetime. In particular... GOOGLE. I mean seriously... when is the last you looked anything up in an Encyclopedia?? Who even HAS a set anymore? Yes... Google would be nowhere without the Internet but whoa. Google?? To me... that outweighs all other inventions all put together.

Now I must say, I used other web browsers before Google entered the picture. As in: WebCrawler, Netscape, Internet Explorer, etc., etc. But the winner of all browsers?? Easy. GOOGLE! Hands down the best alltime invention ever.

I can't TELL you how many zillions of times I've searched for something and IN SECONDS FLAT no less, Google delivered my info in the blink of an eye! In fact... I just used Google a moment ago to be sure I had the correct date for Hurricane Andrew. ( actually, I thought it was 1994 but whatever) Like whoever thought in a million years we'd be able to get any answer to any question by just typing a couple of key words and bingo. ANSWERS APPEAR. Correct answers, too!

Makes no difference what I'm searching for, either. Recipes, software, clothing labels, correct grammar, whatEVER. Actually... thanks to Google, my girlfriends and I once searched it and lo and behold we saw for the first time what an uncircumcised man looked like! Who the hell knew?? Talk about an educational tool, right? No pun intended, btw. Wait... maybe it was Internet Explorer that taught us that; I can't remember.

But regardless... I just can't say enough about Google itself. Nor apparently can others for get this... Google is now a word onto itself in the dictionary. And it totally deserves to be there. Imagine our telling our grandmothers: OKAY GRANNY... LET ME GOOGLE IT ON MY CELLULAR DEVICE AND SEE WHAT THE NET HAS TO SAY AND THEN WE'LL SKYPE AND AS LONG AS MY MODEM IS WORKING CORRECTLY, I'LL THEN TELL YOU WHAT I FOUND OUT.


Besides... I was with five others tonight when we were out to dinner and wanna guess how many times we used my cellphone to Google info that we needed IMMEDIATELY? As in: what dress size was Marilyn Monroe? And... list of Edith Wharton books. I mean... talk about incredible. Had the answers in SECONDS.

Maybe I'm a Google junkie or something for I have to admit... I Google MANY things each and every day. Oh... I could live without a stove or even half my collection of shoes, for sure. But Google?? ABSOLUTELY NEVER. It's like my very own personal life line to everything I'd ever need to know in the entire whole wide world. And apparently, I need to know ALOT. 

Which is why I adore Google and consider it by far, the best invention EVER. Hey... the daily Google designs alone, are STUPENDOUS. I have no clue who Mr. Google is but man do I ever have major gratitude for him. I bet you do, too. And if not... then hell. You've totally got to go Google it immediately to find out what your problem is. For trust me... if you don't idolize Google as I do, then sorry Charlie... you DO have a problem.        

EVERYBODY LOVES LINDA

It's totally true that many, many people DO love me... but I'm like a mere drop in the bucket. You wanna know who they REALLY really love?? They apparently love Raymond! Big time, too! 

Including my Mother, btw. It was one of her favorite sitcoms and everytime I was with her while she was watching this show, I used to think: Jesus. Talk about way too much damn noise and commotion in this deal. Trust me... Raymond's entire household is none too quiet, in the least. Sorta like REAL home-lives where there are parents, three kids and especially, major busybody grandparents who just happen to live directly across the street! Don't ask.

In the meantime, I can't believe it for get this: I've yet again turned into my Mother! What the hell is happening to me, anyway?? 

I think it began with the fact I can no longer watch late night talk shows anymore given I am so old, I have no clue who is who. I also realized I could no longer watch even Stewart or Corbert since THEIR shows made me just too damn wired before bedtime. Which is why I had to then begin doing reruns of old sitcoms, most of which I now already know by heart. Which brings me to: 

EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND. A sitcom which I began watching a few weeks ago. Which then happened to recently escalate since my back is giving me medical issues which btw, aren't over yet. Hence I was in bed a lot the past 10 days, let's say. The next thing I know, in no time at all, this Raymond show caught my eye and I must say... it was making me chuckle QUITE a bit. It became the perfect bullshit to watch while in bed for hour after hour. So...

Given I rarely watch regular broadcast TV, I decided to stock up by recording all the showings of this particular sitcom so I'd have plenty to view while resting my back. Plenty?? Let me rephrase. I mean HORDES. For within a couple of days of recording this TV show, I looked at my playlist today and WHOA. I NOW HAVE 41 NEW RAYMOND SHOWS YET TO WATCH! How the hell did I accumulate SO DAMN MANY IN SO SHORT A TIME?? It's beyond crazy.

And oh yeah. All I can think of is that the cast from this TV show is making ZILLIONS AND ZILLIONS OF DOLLARS, for I swear to God... I never SAW so many reruns being played in a weeks' time. I'm totally jealous of them too, btw. I wanna make that kind of money, damnit.

Anyway... thanks to these hordes of playbacks, I have now been able to laugh aplenty while being indoors this week. Yes, there is still crazy ass noise and shenanigans going on in the show, but overall I do have to say: I'm totally loving the story lines! Much like my Mother did. This show has been THE perfect company for me. I mean seriously... I'll bet I've watched a good 10 per day and by the next morning... boom. Another five has been recorded. Well, sorta.

I love the dynamics of Ray and his TV wife, Debra. I get a kick out of Ray's totally intrusive Mother who puts her two cents into EVERYthing. Plus... she SO makes it obvious that her favorite kid is Raymond, much to the chagrin of his older brother. I am not into the Father too much but no matter. I am SO getting a real laugh out of these shows is all I can say. I've become addicted in one short week!

Which reminds me: it's a good thing I have this Raymond diversion because I am sorry to say that in spite of my being a complete News and/or Political junkie, I don't think I can watch the nightly 6:30 evening news any longer. It's become THE MOST DEPRESSING SHOW ON TELEVISION, EVER. I mean it.

Have you SEEN the news in the past three years?? NOTHING but horrible disasters, horrible weather reports, horrible terrorism, horrible Congressman, horrible finances, horrible crimes, horrible EVERYthing. It's making me utterly sick to my stomach!! Christ. WTF is going ON in the world lately?? 

Man. Am I ever glad I'll be kicking the bucket in the next 10 years or whatever. I'll be checking out JUST in time, believe you me. Even in his new book coming out next month, all about New World Order, Henry Kissinger basically tells us we're doomed. As in: "The concept of order that has underpinned the modern era is in crisis." Are you kidding me? Just what I need to hear. NO WONDER my f-ing back is all stressed out. It's the fall of the Roman Empire all over again!

Which is why I'm glad I'll have the next decade to simply finish watching all the Raymond reruns. First... it'll take me that long to see all the episodes and second... at least I'll be laughing my sweet little ass off. To hell with the Huffington Post. To hell with the nightly news shows. To hell with political nonsense. I just don't think I have the stomach for ANY of it anymore.


Except: a slight glitch. Without any news organizations, how the hell am I going to find out what's the latest with Joan Rivers? Or with baby Prince George? Ooops. Maybe I need to rethink this, afterall. 

THE ROYAL BAKER

I have this theory which I've mentioned often.... why walk when I can ride? Or... why drive when I can fly? Or... why go up steps when I could use an elevator? Or basically... why do anything that would expend unnecessary energy when I could easily opt for a much lazier way to get the task done? Like when my kid was born and all these hippie-dip Mothers were pureeing their own baby food mixtures or juicing their own fruits and veggies for the kid. Me? I totally took the easy way out, figuring Gerber Baby Foods already had the entire deal all down pat. Who am I to compete with the pros??

Which is pretty much how I feel when it comes to baking. Man... baking is hard. It's way more a timed and measured science than regular cooking is, often including a huge amount of steps and ingredients which in turn then mandates your having to clean an entire kitchen when it's all over. MUCH better... to my way of thinking... is to head out to the closest upscale bakery in town and let THEM do the baking! They have the whole process DEFinitely down to a proven science and besides... their stuff is ALWAYS delicious! No muss. No fuss.

Except... a few weeks ago, when I saw something on Pinterest that totally knocked me out. It's up there in the picture... QUEEN ELIZABETH COOKIES!! Oh man... was I ever thrilled. Immediately I decided I'm going to have a whole bunch of women over, make it for a 3:00 Tea Party, serve Royal Cookies and dainty Tea Sandwiches and boom. A regal celebration! 

Plus... you should SEE what these people on Pinterest do to the cookies. All KINDS of colored shiny, royal (no pun intended) frosting and decorations up the kazoo. It's amazing! These decorations too, piqued my interest but already I could see I've got a LONG way to go before I perfect THAT sort of little touch. Case in point... here's a picture of the OTHER cookie cutter I bought, but showing what OTHERS have done to spruce up the finished look.

Anyway...

In keeping with my theories of ease, I went to the store and naturally bought PRE-MADE cookie dough. Seriously... why the hell make a dough from scratch with all the ingredients AND letting it rise or whatever the hell you need to do first. Pre-made? I'm definitely their target audience. Oh yeah... I bought the Sugar Cookie dough and decided it would work perfectly.

Oh really?? Perfectly?? You SO have to be kidding me. What an f-ing idiot baker I am. A five year old could have done better!! Don't believe me?? Just you wait. 

I rolled out the amount of dough that I thought each cookie would require (the cutter was huge) and bingo I put each Queen shaped dough onto the parchment paper, and then onto the cookie sheet. THAT part was fine. I figured I could fit six Queens per sheet. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? WANNA SEE HOW THEY TURNED OUT?? SITTING DOWN??

OMG. A royal DISASTER is how they turned out! What?? These DON'T look like the Queen?? Oh man. Don't even ask!

I can't TELL you how shocked I was to see how these cookies turned out! I had to burst out LAUGHing at the utter MESS of a shape these became! WTF HAPPENED? God only knows other than... were I teaching the five year old what shapes look like, I'd have had a GREAT LOOKING SQUARE GOING ON HERE. Sorta. Can you even believe this??? Where the hell is the QUEEN? Talk about a total melt down.

Of course the bullshit shape didn't keep me from tasting the huge cookies, but who cares. But seriously... I was STUNNED at the total flop my cookies turned out to be! Which then made me Google how to use store bought dough with cookie cutters. Apparently I should have put them in the refrigerator after they were on the cooking sheet so they could kinda get cool first or something. Yeah. I could do that next time, alright or...

I could just take the cookie cutter shapes and head right smack out to my favorite bakery and say: HERE. MAKE THESE SHAPES INTO SUGAR COOKIES PLEASE AND CHARGE ME WHATEVER THE HELL YOU'D LIKE. THANKS. Which is exactly what I think I am going to do, considering I'd still love to have a Tea Party. 

SMART CAR

So this is what it's like to live in the big city. You don't have to worry about public transportation. You don't have to worry about hitching a ride with someone. You don't have to worry about car payments. Plus you don't even have to worry about parking. THAT'S what I call smart.

While in Miami I was noticing all over the place cars like the one in the picture up above. Some were in traffic and some were parked on the street. Naturally at first glance, I decided that these cars were THE most definite way to make sure you get killed while driving on I-95, but then my kid told me all about it's REAL purpose. You totally won't believe it.

Turns out.. these cars, called CAR2GO... are at the disposal of anyone who has a driver's license but no car with which to use it. So... instead of your having to actually buy a car, all you have to do is walk down plenty of streets in Miami, agree to a payment of 41 cents per mile via your cellphone I think, find yourself one of these parked cars and bingo. Transportation problem solved. You now have an actual car to use for getting yourself anywhere you damn well please! It's totally easy as pie. Plus... a fantastic idea.

AND... even better... no insurance is needed. No reservation is needed. No late fees are needed. No cash is needed and best of all... gas is included!! IT'S CRAZY. Who ever HEARD of such a thing?? What you DO need however, is to find a place where you see one of these cars parked on the street and boom. You hop right in it and drive it to wherever your little heart desires. Well... after you tell the company what your preferred method of payment will be, that is.

Once you get to the place you want... you have two options. Park it so it'll be there when you finish whatever you're doing or... find a designated CAR2G0 spot on the street and park it there so the NEXT person who wants a car in the area will have access it. WHOA. What a concept! Apparently LOTS of big cities have this going on and I'm so telling you... it's ingenious.

It's also... as I said before... a sure fire way to scare the shit out of you while on the Interstate, given the car is LITTLE. Of course I would never consider driving a vehicle like this in traffic unless I was merely going to around the block or... looking for a reliable way to commit hari kari. I myself drive a full sized luxury automobile and even then I'd still never do the Interstate. So given that this CAR2GO is way more along the lines of being in a bumper car at a carnival, I'd ALMOST feel safer riding a bike. But whatever. Apparently there are plenty of people willing to chance it, thus this car lending deal is pretty popular. 

What is an even BETTER idea however is that you never again have to have find change for a parking meter in Miami! WHOA. TOTALLY EXCELLENT IDEA. All my kid ever does is hold his cell phone up to a meter, let it scan something and boom. You're all paid up. Talk about the way of the future! At first I gave up saving quarters for washing machines, then I gave up saving quarters for pay phones, and NOW I can give up saving quarters for parking! Well, in big cities, anyway.


Besides... I'll bet parking meters in major metropolis' probably now only take dollar bills in today's market. IF you even need to use cash for meters anymore. Man... I'm getting old.

FERNANDO

Fernando is a common enough name, granted. But what isn't so common at all, is Fernando BOTERO. That's him in the picture up above.

He's my alltime favorite artist and I just marvel at his HUGE, monumental, stunning creations. For 20 years I've had this particular framed print of his that you see below, hanging above my bedroom dresser and I love it everytime I look at it. Botero is known for larger than life shaped people. I'd say this is maybe 38"x 28". Doesn't matter though, for what's way more important is that...

Botero is a wildly world famous artist, having had shows in the most prestigious of art museums world over. At first glance you might think they are sculptures or paintings of really fat people. But you would be wrong. True, Botero's works are of major full bodied, exaggerated people (and animals) but when you look at the details of his paintings you notice how delicate these people are. Case in point: the red colored finger nail tips on his women. The detailed clothing of his men and children, etc. etc. The nudes are big, but shapely and evenly proportioned. Well kinda, anyway. 

Botero's sculptures have traveled to every corner of the world, often times lining the main streets of a city. The Champs Elysees in Paris for instance, all over Medellin, Colombia (from where Fernando himself hails) Park Avenue in New York and even all along Michigan Avenue in Chicago, which is where I personally saw hordes of this astounding outdoor art. It was breath taking, is all I can say.

When he isn't exhibiting an entire collection let's say, Botero's art pieces are ALL OVER THE PLACE in famous museums, buildings or parks throughout the world. Anyway... why am I telling you all this?? BECAUSE YOU'LL NEVER BELIEVE THIS...

When in Miami recently, my son and I spent a couple of days in the downtown Art District and while we were moseying down one of it's streets, WHAT SHOULD WE F'ING SEE BUT AN ENTIRE EXHIBIT OF BOTERO'S STATUTES!!! We both freaked with utter delight!!

HOW THE HELL DID THEY KNOW I WAS IN TOWN AND WOULD LOVE SEEING THESE?? Not only were there about ten statutes all lined up outside one of the galleries, but INSIDE were hordes of smaller sculptures... all so exquisite and all so amazing. I can't even tell you how much I thought I had died and gone to heaven. THANK YOU GARY NADER GALLERY FOR THIS MOST BEAUTIFUL EXHIBIT EVER!!

This whole unexpected delight was totally a major highlight of my trip to the City Crapola. Such a delight in fact, that I am happy to show you some shots I took of some of the artwork I enjoyed that day. Most of the pictures can't possibly do justice to the works, nor can you appreciate the size of the pieces. Case in point: the red high heel is larger than I am!


Regardless... in spite of all the artwork I saw, I can only promise you at one thing. If ever you're walking down a street or in a museum and you happen upon a gigantic, beautiful sculpture made of bronze (I think) and you go WHOA. HOLY MOTHER F... bingo. You'll know in a heartbeat, you're viewing art by Fernando Botero. There's just nothing like him.

Oh yeah...hard as it is for me to believe... some of you may not recognize these two folks... so let me just say: Coco Chanel and Karl Lagerfeld, who took over as chief designer for Chanel in 1983. See Coco's logo on each of these? The paintings were BIG and beautiful.

Lastly... for those of you who, like me, can't get enough... click on this link and check out other Botero works: They're simply fantastic.  YIPPEE. MORE BOTERO!

I WENT. I CONQUERED. I LOVED IT.

Well. Well. Well. Ain't this a kick in the ass. My kid graduated! Post graduate degree, I might add. I am sooooo damn happy for him, I can't even tell you. I just spent a fantastic week with him and it was simply wonderful. Particularly the Pinning Ceremony where my son finally became CERTIFIED. Not certifiable, mind you. Certified. BIG DIFFERENCE. As in: a Certified Physician Assistant!

I can't believe it but once again, I ventured down to Miami in the thick of summer. I could go on and on all about THAT but who has the time? In the meantime, I had great fun being with my son and I felt great pride for his accomplishment. Naturally I felt equal happiness of course, for the fact he's finally on his own, financially. But... whatever.

Granted, I was ready to slit my wrists over the length of the ceremony given there were only 47 slots for this program, but once it was over it was time to celebrate. I hosted a dinner for 12 of us that night and I was thrilled. The next evening was a quieter dinner with just 4 people. Plus I got to see my kid with his sister and brother all together once again. It's been years since we've all hooked up in once place at the same time for a totally happy reason. Anyway...

I also spent a particularly couple of fantastic days with my son taking me to the amazingly built up Art District of Miami which I definitely have to blog about at another time. I got to see friends and family. I got to actually shop in Nordstroms. And yippee... I got to eat real bagels, lox and cream cheese, hot pastrami and superb dinners. The only thing I didn't get to down, was a hard core slice of cherry cheese cake but seriously. Who had the room?? In the meantime...

As soon as I arrived, my son and I went straight to the uniform store to pick up his monogramed white coat which by the way, reminds me. He chose ME to have the honor of putting the coat on him during the ceremony and you can only iMAGine the smile on my face. See the coat up above? See the C after the PA? Yay. It means: Physician Assistant Certified! Which in turn means: this coat is longer in length than his other white coat which has an S, signifying: Student. Basically only the officials can wear the longer coats.

I took a zillion pictures and one of these days I'll upload them to a web album. Oh yeah... one of the shots will be that of a hand made, hand decorated card made by one of the hotel agents, Katrine, who was tickled pink that I had returned for yet another visit. IT WAS SO GREAT walking into the room and finding this welcome treat on my bed! 

I also took a zillion pictures of... get this!... an art exhibit that we just happened upon of my alltime favorite artist, Fernando Botero!! It was an unbelievable surprise for me which is a whole other blog altogether. Talk about timing is everything.

For now all I can say is the Physician Assistant program in no easy feat in the least. Only 50 candidates out of hundreds were selected to participate. Thus, I particularly loved all the shots that were up on the jumbo screen of the students during the entire two year program. Especially the ones of MY KID!

Oh yeah... I totally hated the shot of him working with a cadaver given I have always made him obey my law of NEVER viewing anyone who's already kicked the bucket. I did love however, seeing picts of his team winning the big national PA Conference jeopardy type bowl in Boston last March. A team trip which I'm happy to say, my son organized given he had been elected as the school representative to the American Academy of PAs.


In closing... I am SO happy I was able to share my child's success but I can SO tell you just as I told him: it'll be a LONG f'ing time before I ever see Miami again. Oh man... that city is now just way too intense for me. On the other hand... Thank you God for all the pride I felt for my son. Now... please let him pass the state exam and then help him find a JOB. Thank you God. Amen. 

"I AM NOT A CROOK"

I assume everyone is familiar with this quote. At least I hope so for if not, then you've been living in a cave and it's time you came out. Or at least become educated. Anyway...

This quote was stated by Richard Nixon while in the throes of the Watergate hearings... which by the way I watched live, from gavel to gavel. It was by far the most riveting show I had ever seen in my life and I couldn't bear to miss a minute of it. For me... Bill and Monica were NOTHING compared to this. Besides... who doesn't love sex? In the meantime...

Apparently Nixon was WAY crooked when he uttered this sentence. And he was horribly anti-semitic. And he was bigoted. And he was most of all... A LIAR. Don't even ask. There is nothing in the world that I can think of to admire about this man in any way whatsoever. I felt this while he was President and I still feel so today. Now... all my feelings have been totally confirmed. How so you may ask???

Because last night, I was riveted once again as I watched an HBO special: NIXON ON NIXON. PLEASE DO NOT MISS THIS. We get to see Nixon talking in his own words during all his days' work, with all the tape transcriptions shown on screen. Basically: visual and audio.

Hopefully you already know that come to find out, Nixon had a hidden tape recorder in the Oval Office, thus lo and behold everything we ever needed to know about his shenanigans were saved for posterity. All the tapes have finally been released in total and man o man are THEY ever priceless. Let alone a fantastic way to document not only his crookedness but also his hatred.

Hatred for the Press, hatred for the Jews, hatred for the protesters of the Viet Nam war, hatred for all religions other than his own, hatred for almost every God damn thing possible. Plus, as I mentioned... he LIED. About everything, if you ask me. You should HEAR Nixon's slurs. It's so damn deplorable. 

When I saw the footage of what was going on in North Viet Nam, I was stunned. Mainly because Nixon was totally more interested in his own political gain rather than interested in the fighting men who were carrying out his orders. It's heartbreaking... especially if you know anyone who actually fought in that war. He absolutely lied about the Peace Talks and it infuriates me to no end.

I love history and I love politics. But whoa. THIS documentary marries the two in the most insulting, frightening way possible. Thank God all the tapes have now been released for they show without a doubt how deserving Nixon was in being the first and only President to have resigned from office.


The only other President to even come close to how disturbing Nixon was, is naturally...  George W. Bush. And believe me... were HE to have had tapes recording his each and every word, he too would be shown as reprehensible as I've always thought. 

Bottom line: congratulations John Dean. F.Y. Dick Nixon. Sympathies Julie and Trisha.

WELCOME ONE AND ALL!

Yay!! I can have friends over once again! Without having to feel as if they are entering a Granny house, too! I am totally thrilled about it. So is my kid since he's the one who first told me about four years ago that we can't ever have people over again given my purchase of a new sofa. In the STORE it looked great. But once I got it home OOPS. Coupled with the two new recliners, all of a sudden I had a Granny type looking family room.

Well... that's all changed now, thank goodness. Ever since I got the new sofa, I had put off a pretty important chore: buy a new rug for under the table and make things look more modern. For a LONG time, I had a color blocked rug with pretty intense colors. Colors that with the new furniture, made everything look sorta dated and crappy. So.... last week I decided to bite the bullet and begin a search for a new sort of monochromatic rug that would work with my furniture.

That's it in the picture up above. Granted, the picture was taken at night, without natural light, so the hue of everything is kinda off. But in real life, it really DOES look like it all belongs together. Regardless, you get the idea, anyway. So... here's how I pulled this off.

First I went to a local store and looked through all their hordes of rugs. No cigar. Then I came home, went online and began searching stores that I figured might have something I'd like. Again, no cigar. Then I decided to just Google ROUND RUGS and whammo. First place that came up was like a RUGS R US type place. Boom. I clicked on it.

The drop down menu had a category called CONTEMPORARY which I figured might work. I clicked on it. One of the first things I saw was this tone on tone type rug in my picture and decided... hmmm.... I think this could work. So I called the place which happened to be in South Carolina. Jeni answered the phone was maybe the most helpful salesperson EVER. She tells me: 1.) it's 50% off 2.) today is Thursday so we can send it out to you tomorrow 3.) you'll get it the day after that 4.) no shipping or handling costs and 5.) if you don't like it, send it back with no charge at all.

REALLY?? TALK ABOUT PAIN FREE SHOPPING. Man. Was I ever thrilled. In the meantime, just as Jeni promised, the rug arrived in like a day and a half and it took me no time at all to switch out rugs and in a flash I LOVED MY NEW THROW RUG. It totally switched up the Granny looking family room to a WAY more contemporary feel! I couldn't believe it. I never saw this in person. I never handled the fabric in person. And I never scrutinized the color lot in person. BUT YOU'D THINK I DID.

BTW... as soon as the rug arrived, I invited some friends to come over on the pretense of having drinks and appetizers. Little did they know that as soon as they walked in I had to tell the men: OH YEAH. I LIED. I DIDN'T REALLY ASK YOU OVER JUST FOR FUN. FIRST, I NEED YOU TO SWITCH OUT MY RUGS SINCE THE GLASS ON THE TABLE IS TOO HEAVY FOR ME TO LIFT BY MYSELF. THANKS. DO THAT AND THEN I'll get to entertaining part. THANKS! Which naturally I did, so we could all then sit and admire my new online purchase. I know... major hidden agenda on my part, right? Yeah, but in the meantime I got rave reviews.

I then quickly took a picture of it so I could text it to my kid telling him: YIPPEE! We can now have people over again! We don't have a Granny looking home anymore! We've finally gotten a new rug! Which he was totally thrilled to hear btw, given he just may wind up calling this HIS home someday.


In the meantime, I couldn't be happier. I love Jeni. I love my new rug. And I love knowing I am not a Granny any longer. The room now has a WAY more modern feel to it and believe me... I'm nothing if not in tune with the times.