BLACK IS THE BEST REVENGE

I'm sure most women have one fantastic black dress in their wardrobe. If not... they absolutely should. Man... this one little item can carry you to a zillion places for a zillion reasons. Anywhere from a quiet little cocktail party at home to a major dinner party at the White House. Not to mention all the events in between. Mine can actually be dressed up or dressed down and can go to not only dinner parties but also to a happy matinee or even a sad funeral. In fact, I have about 5 black dresses and I wear them all. I totally love them.

Apparently Princess Diana had a little black dress that she loved as well. Granted HERS was pretty damn  formal and frankly there is no way whatsoever she could dress this one down. THIS one was strictly for fancy schmancy. It's drop dead gorgeous and I don't even want to tell you when she wore this number up above because to me... anyone who doesn't already know where, must be living under a rock. A big rock, too. Boy... did Diana ever pull out all stops that night.

NO WONDER THE MEDIA CALLED IT THE "REVENGE DRESS".

And man were they ever right on target. This is definitely one of the alltime best revenge dresses EVER. Diana deserves a fucking medal. Why? Because basically.... while Diana had had this dress for a long time, she never wore it until THE night she needed it most.The night she was seeking total revenge. As in: THE night Charles went on TV and publicly admitted to his entire empire he was having an affair. With Camilla, of course. You'd have thought THAT would have been the headline of the century, right?

But oh no... not so fast. Timed with absolute precision, while Charlie was busy confessing to the entire world he had been cheating on Diana for years... that was practically the exact moment Diana donned this dress for the first time, to attend a Vanity Fair party. THAT my friend was the headline the next morning. And whoa did she ever look spectacular in it. This was SO an F YOU CHARLES sort of dress!! I was in crazy ass glory for Diana that night.

Mainly because once again... Charlie was upstaged by this glamorous, stunning woman. Something that Charles HATED. Always. YEA DIANA. YOU GO GIRL. Granted. I totally get it that many many people have affairs and fall in love, etc. etc. BUT... I have heard of NO one who was ever in the throes of all this deceit the night right smack before his wedding to a new bride. Let alone while on their honeymoon, as well!! Is he out of his fucking MIND?? Man. He couldn't even wait til the marriage was at least on the rocks or something?? He just had to jump right smack into it all during the engagement?? F YOU CHARLES AND I WASN'T EVEN THE ONE MARRYING YOU.

Anyway... Charles makes me sick to my stomach for pulling such crap on Diana, thus I can't even waste time talking about him. Instead... I hail Diana for sticking it to him, but good. The entire world went NUTS when they saw her in this black dress and I was filled with sheer delight for her. I'm telling you... the right dress for the right moment for the right reason... bingo. You score a home run IMMEDIATELY. Talk about waving you right on into home base.

Which reminds me... there are some other dresses I also totally love. A couple of these, you have already seen, btw. I mean... you SHOULD have already seen. Again... show stoppers. Stunning. Home runs. Right dress for the right reactions. I also threw in a couple you may not recognize but knock my socks off as well.  

Now... if only I had a body and/or if I were totally famous boom. I'd buy these in a heart beat. Hoping to then of course make some dashing, tall, handsome man's heart REALLY start to beat.

MAIN FOCUS

Care to guess what Marlene Dietrich, Doris Day, Lucille Ball and Carol Burnett... just to name a few.. have in common? Basically it all boils down to: at some point in their lives they decided to do their photos in SOFT FOCUS. To sorta hide the fact they were aging, had imperfections or whatever. 

These women never considered a soft lens when they were young. They didn't need to. But when they became MY age? Oh man... they so turned soft. So to speak.

In the meantime... get this. MY TIME TOO, HAS COME. Seriously. Soft focus is definitely the way to go with this recent photo of me! Check it out up there and see for yourself. I'm telling you... I do believe it makes a major difference. EEEKS. Yet another reason proving I'm no longer a spring chicken. On the other hand... I totally love this concept.

First of all... I am ALWAYS on a perpetual quest to have a really pretty picture taken of myself. And the reason the quest is always ongoing is quite simple: I have yet to ever actually have had one taken. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. There are plenty of so called decent enough snapshots of me to be found but not necessarily a fantastically beautiful one. Second of all however... until I do, I am now so sticking with this soft focusing bit for SURE. It's definitely a fanTAStic temporary solution to the aging process. Third of all, I always say... until the day comes that I begin to look like Nicole Kidman... I'll simply have to continue on my personal photo journey. And believe me. I have no visions of grandeur here. I totally know I'll never be a Nicole lookalike. Ever. Damnit.

No wonder. I'm getting old. Don't even ask. Granted... the pretty photo search of myself is WAY down on my list of items that prove I'm now 65. There apparently is far more weighty proof at hand. For instance... I basically remember nothing anymore. HUH? WHAT DID I COME IN HERE FOR?? Better yet... WAIT. WHAT WAS I JUST TELLING YOU?? Worst of all... REALLY?? WHEN DID I SAY THAT?? Or even NOW WTF DID THEY JUST TELL ME AGAIN?? I'm telling you... my mind is either filled with such garbage or I'm headed to the looney bin but fast.

Another way in which I know I'm 65 is that I accomplish way less in a day than I did in my 30s and 40s lets say. Back in those days, I could wake up at eight in the morning and go all day long filling the time with hordes of activities. NOW however? Geez. It's crazy. Three or four tasks and bingo. I'm ready for a time out. Let alone a nap. In the meantime however... it's becoming more and more clear. I'M GETTING OLD.


Although the good news is: I now see I think I can maybe fake my aging a bit thanks to the soft focusing feature in so much software. I don't even need a soft lens anymore in a camera! I want to look younger? Boom. I'll just import the picture and yippee. I'll simply soften it myself and suddenly 1-2-3. I'm years younger! Well, kinda. 

Oh yeah. Here's another pict of me from the other night also done in soft focus. Something tells me however that everyone I was with that evening had a pretty good idea I was definitely in my mid sixties. No wonder. They were looking at me BEFORE I became artifically focused. Which is too bad since try as I may... I can only fool some of the people some of the time.

OMG. AGAIN????

There is nothing more I can add to this fucking van saga which is being lived out right next door to me. One look at this and you can only iMAGine my reaction when I saw it earlier today. Don't even ASK. WFT is going ON with this car roof anyway?? First the van itself. Then the tailgate party for one. Then this. Holy shit. I may have to go throw up altogether.

MUSCLE MAN

I sorta wished I were a man. And no. I don't have penis envy. I'm perfectly thrilled with my female parts and feminine persona.

Instead... I apparently have muscle envy. Which I guess would give Freud an equal amount of reason for deep psychoanalysis but whatever. Feminism notwithstanding, I just can't believe how much easier life can be for men on all sorts of levels. But in this particular case... I'm talking life being easier for men because of their: Muscle Power. I'm totally jealous of it.

Case in point: a couple of weeks ago I had a wonderful two day a visit with Joshua. My alltime favorite step son. He's actually 8 years older than my own son and I've known Joshua since he was about 4 years old. He's now almost 40. Gulp. Anyway... their father had PLENTY of muscle strength and apparently he's passed that on to his two sons. 

Plus... I just have to add that it was pretty freaky after spending years and years staring down when speaking to these boys, I eventually found that by the time they were in their early teens... EEKS... I had to actually begin looking UP at them. It's a crazy ass switch up, let me tell you. And it definitely put a glitch into trying to reprimand a kid who now stood way taller than you and who could almost pick you up and hurl you clear cross the room if they wanted. Although in my case that so could never happen. I may have been shorter than these boys, but am pretty sure I was heavier than they. Just my luck. But regardless...

By the time the boys were teenagers... OMG did they ever have muscles! You could see their strength right smack on their arms, their muscles getting bigger and bigger thus becoming stronger and stronger. It was simply incredible. Rarely would they EVER need help in moving furniture, TVs, mirrors, etc. etc. Granted I find women smarter, often more mature and/or rational in their thinking... and many times more kind hearted. But as far as physical strength? Oh man... the men have it way over me. And probably way over you, too.

Thus you can only imagine how thrilled I am even today, whenever I can ask one of the boys to do something for me that requires muscles and bingo. 1-2-3 they're able to do the task with absolutely no trouble at all. As in several days ago, when I needed Joshua to lift my major heavy class table top out on the deck. Turns out we needed to put the rug back under the table base. I myself could never do it in a million years. Joshua on the other hand? BOOM. He lifted that table top as if he were lifting a mere toothbrush. I just couldn't get over it! And I said so for about the next 23 minutes. I was simply amazed. It was like: NEED TO LIFT A TRUCK?? SURE. I CAN DO IT. JUST STEP ASIDE PLEASE.

Not only that... but were I to ever take the shovel to dig a BIG hole in the ground to plant my two potted hydrangea plants, it could have easily taken me weeks. Plus I'd be sporting a massive back pain like you couldn't believe. But Josh?? Man... he got that deep, big hole dug in no time, with as much ease as if he were scooping ice cream. I'm not saying he might have not perspired some, but still... his muscles allowed him to do these tasks lickety split. No huffing. No puffing. No panting. No swearing. No problems.

Ergo: my muscle envy. Geez... now that I think about it... I SHOULD have had Joshua help me move my bedroom dresser while he was here. I just BET that behind there somewhere is my favorite big black ring that I totally love and haven't found for over a year now. Or maybe it's behind the head of my bed whose mattress by the way is so heavy it once literally knocked me over onto the floor and broke my glasses. For my kids? Would have been easy as pie to flip a mattress. For me?? It bordered on life threatening.

So my bottom line take on all this is basically that no matter HOW many Wheaties I eat... there is absolutely no way I'd ever have the kind of muscles that men do. Not even my core training would help. Especially given I can work out with only the mere 8 pound weights I use. 10 pounds in each hand? OMG. I'd be a basket case altogether. Which leads me to conclude: Yes. Compared to men I may be way more emotional. Way more sensitive. Way more girly.


And apparently... way more of a weakling. 

ABOUT FACE

Believe me... I'm all in favor of improving one's face as one grows older. I did it myself actually and man, am I ever thrilled I took the plunge. The improvement has been remarkable, indeed. Notice I said improvement. Not: a totally different looking face altogether. And not a face that in fact even looks worse then when you started. Aren't you supposed to be able to at least reCOGnize the person when all is said and done?? Uh... I'm voting: yes. 

Which is why I'm utterly stunned at the new look on John Kerry's face. WTF? He should SO get his money back from his doctors. They ruined him! Seriously. See that picture of John up above? That's what he's SUPPOSED to look like. But after God only knows what procedures he's had done, he looks nothing like that at ALL anymore. EEKS. Actually, I frankly smell: law suit. Just saying.

My take is his doctors might have done a facelift alright, but even more, they also did Botox?? Restylane?? Juvederm?? Oh man... the list could go on and on. All I know is that whatever they did, John Kerry looks HORRIBLE. Not that he was any gem to begin with but whoa. What's he's sporting NOW is pretty much unacceptable, if you ask me. Here: check out his results and YOU tell me if you think this qualifies as "improvement". God knows I don't.

I of course had to listen to John during the entire congressional hearing about Syria yet I can only give you a lackluster overview of what he said. Why?? Because I was TRANSFIXED on his new face, that's why! OMG. I can't even imagine what the Senators must have been thinking to themselves while questioning this completely new looking Mr. Secretary. Chuck Hagel? Good. HE looks like himself. John Kerry?? HELP. WHERE IS HE? This so can't be him.

Except it was. Which doesn't bode well for his doctors, if you ask me. They appear to be the kind I'd personally run from. Have they never heard of the word ... uh... NATURAL?? Apparently not.

On the other hand, it appears that for now, John's questioning and subsequent House vote is all for naught given WWIII is temporarily on the back burner. Thank God. Seriously... this chemical warfare garbage pretty much can't be good if it is to continue. Which btw... has me in a dilemma, for sure. GOING TO WAR AGAIN?? Geez... I am way too war weary to even think about it. Although I'm also too weary to think of what might happen if we DON'T tackle this situation SOMEhow. Honest to God... the folks in the Mid East are out of their ever loving MINDS at this point. I just don't what to think anymore. Thus... I won't.


Instead I'm thinking that in just a little while Joshua will be here for a couple of days! YIPPEE. It's going to be great and I can't wait. It's also going to be great since I KNOW he at least will be sporting his REAL face... so unlike our freaky looking Secretary of State.  

PARTY OF ONE

Oh my God. Here I go again and I can not believe it. IT JUST GOT WORSE.

First I bitched about having my next door neighbor's disgusting van parked in his driveway every damn day of the year and NOW I'm ready to slit my wrists altogether. As if the van wasn't enough I JUST ABOUT FREAKED last Sunday when I saw THIS. I mean THAT. That up there in the picture up above. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? Now he's added A TAILGATE TENT?? Shit... this is getting major ridiculous.

I can't TELL you what an eye sore this is! I HATE IT. And I hate the guy who's doing this, too. I like the wife though, but whatever. In the meantime...

Turns out the guy's son has just begun college. Care to guess which one?? Time's up. CLEMSON, OF COURSE. Although I must tell you all this adulation to Clemson began decades ago when the first of three generations began attending the school. Apparently celebrating this school is first on their list of reasons to party hearty. Man... talk about obsessing on the mundane. Trust me... the van is this guy's dearest possession of all time. And now... so is the tent. 

I just WISHED I could walk up the the neighbor and tell him... GET RID OF THIS PIECE OF CRAP. It's totally unattractive. It's juvenile. And it's ruining my view of what happens to be an otherwise stunning neighborhood. In fact... the people on the OTHER side of his house are in the midst of selling their home. Were it me.... I'd tell my neighbor: YOUR BULLSHIT VAN IS KEEPING ME FROM MAKING A SALE. MOVE THIS EYESORE IMMEDIATELY! Of course I have no clue whatsoever what effect the van being parked in the driveway actually has had in sales, but it can't possibly be GOOD. 

You know how people hire hit men to do in folks they no longer want them around? I would HAPPILY pay someone in a minute to come and either key the entire van, blow out the entire engine or even shoot holes all through this monstrosity. Well... okay. Bullet holes are a bit much, but if someone ELSE ordered it, I'd be tap dancing all around the block but good. As for the tailgating tent... WHAT THE HELL IS HE THINKING?? And btw... don't think for one minute that I didn't notice the tent is set up with just one chair. Gives a whole new meaning to: PARTY OF ONE alright.  


In the meantime, I guess I'd be pretty damn happy with Clemson just having a total losing season this year. That ought to freak the neighbor out, for sure. Except already... they're two for two. Damnit. 

A TOWN CRIER

It's a few minutes after five as I begin writing this entry. Not the time I'd normally be doing it, btw. And, the only reason I AM doing it now is because I'm totally bummed with MSNBC. I just can't believe how they've completely screwed me and I'm so not happy about it.

As it happens, I pretty much have a great time line for my days. I get up none too early, I usually catch lunch with a friend, I do whatever errands I might need, go to Dr. appointments maybe, perhaps do some shopping, or do chores around the house, etc. etc. And... I get this all done so that by the end of the day... about five o'clock... I can unwind some while listening to the Chris Matthews Show at five o'clock. This pattern has worked beautifully for YEARS especially given that I can then easily move right into the six o'clock local news and bingo. I'm then all ready for the six thirty national news. It basically works like a charm for a news junkie like myself.

Well... it DID anyway. Now?? Now I'm so pissed I can't believe it. Wanna guess why?? Get this. MSNBC decided to take my favorite news anchor and all of an effin' sudden move Chris to the SEVEN O'CLOCK time slot!!! AbsoLUTELY screwing up my day altogether. I can't even believe it. WHAT?? MY FIVE O'CLOCK STARTING TIME FOR NEWS IS GONE? CHRIS MATTHEWS IS NO LONGER MY LEAD IN TO ENDING THE DAY?? And... if THAT'S not enough, who do they put in his place?? THIS JERK WHO I HATE, ED SCHULTZ. Oh man... so not my favorite guy at all. I can't stand anchors who shout into the camera exactly like Rev. Al Sharpton does, btw. ANOTHER guy I refuse to listen to. My take always is: Al thinks he's still giving sermons to seniors who can no longer hear, sitting way in the back of a church or something. I totally hate him and am STUNNED MSNBC would even hire this guy. Besides... he's not even bright.

Anyway, all this switch up began yesterday and I am telling you: I am so lost with what to do during the time I'm SUPPOSED to be catching up on five o'clock national political news. I'm like a child lost in the woods. I can't do Wolf Blitzer on CNN. I can't do local TV that early. I can't do sitcom reruns. And... I apparently can't do anything but want to slit my wrists altogether. Bottom Line: I don't know WHAT to do until seven when Chris comes on.

Besides... if I'm going out to dinner, I won't even BE home to catch the show. How will I know which Republican to hate? Or who's next in asking for a revote to rescind Obama Care? Better yet... how will I know what stupid assholey thing Ted Cruz is spouting today? My news intake is supposed to be FINished by seven. Not beginning. Geez. I so hate all this. By the time the 2016 elections come, I'll be ready to shoot myself altogether. 

All this kinda reminds me when my alltime favorite perfume at the time... Anne Klein II... was completely taken off the market without any notice at ALL. Thursday I could walk up to a department store counter, buy the beautifully scented perfume and smell delightful within moments. On Friday however?? NEVER AGAIN to be seen at counters, ever. I WAS IN UTTER SHOCK FOR MONTHS. Which is probably when I moved right on into Opium by Yves St. Laurent. Granted it cost 4x the amount of money, but frankly I still wear it to this day and totally love it, still. Anyway... that's not the point.

The point NOW is... I am simply astounded that MSNBC would make such a horrible blunder as to go through with this scheduling switch up. IT SUCKS. Much like Ed Shultz. I wouldn't watch this guy if you paid me. Soooo...


Now I'm at a complete loss of how to bring my day to an end. It's times like these, btw, that I only WISHED I were into martinis or crazy ass hard liquors. At least then, I'd be able to wind down like other people do. Get plastered, munch on nuts and chips and sink into a recliner for hours and hours of watching TV for the entire evening. Instead... I now have to actually find something LEGITIMATE to do at five o'clock as in heaven forbid... go to the gym and get on the treadmill. All I know is I see now that I'm giving a whole new meaning to the Town Crier. Oh I'm crying alright... just not all around the town. Instead... in my very own living room. Beginning at five.

NEED FIBER??

Oh man... what an idiot I am. As it happens, last night the evening just got away from me although where the time went, I really don't know. Nor does it even matter. What DOES matter is that I definitely learned a life lesson. A lesson about fiber, that is. And not the textile kind of fiber, either. I'm talking the kind that can rip your stomach to pieces in just one unsuspecting meal. Which is basically what happened to me. Don't even ask.

I can't even remember exactly what time it was, but all of a sudden, about 10:00 lets say, I realized I hadn't had dinner. Bingo. I was STARVING. Thus... I immediately sort of combed through my refrigerator for something great to eat and lo and behold what should I find but YIPPEE... my alltime favorite. Left over black beans. I had a dinner party recently and I probably made enough for 10-12, so God only knows how much was stored in the leftover container. Which basically meant: I could help myself to as many beans as I possibly wanted, to put all over the rice I had just made. And, I did. Ergo: after heating the black beans in the microwave and topping the rice, I had a fantastic meal to devour and adore.

On the other hand... apparently I've got big eyes when I'm starved because I just kept heaping and heaping the beans right smack on top of the rice until I basically had a portion big enough to probably feed any family of four. Next thing you know however... I sat down and downed the entire plate totally happy and completely full.

AND THEN IT BEGAN.

Oh. My. God. Do THEY ever know what they're talking about when they say beans make you pop all over the place. It was crazzzzzy. POP. POP. POP POP POP. I seriously thought my entire insides were going to explode! And.... if that wasn't enough, a couple of hours later when I did my yoga session... Holy Baholy. You have no idea. Let's just say that apparently yoga practice serves to expel every ounce of extra air and/or beans within your entire body. For a LIFETIME I'm guessing. I was in Black Beans Hell.

Jesus. I just don't know what to say. Other then... get this. I was also up THREE TIMES during the night to go to the bathroom! And even today... my stomach was churning way more than I wanted. All I could think of was that surgical procedure I had seven years ago for bowel re-sectioning. Can you even imagine?? Of course I didn't let any of this stand too much in my way tonight as I downed champagne and delicious cake at a celebration I attended. Although trust me. I bet I"ll pay for it later. In the meantime...


All I can tell you is that if you happen to need any sort of pretend colonoscopy prep, boy do I ever have a meal for you to consider. As for fiber being the secret to good digestive health... I now see there are two sides to the story. Eat a normal portion? Bingo. You're fine. Eat a mother load portion? Uh... good luck with THAT. And oh yeah... try to stay away from people for at least 12 hours. 

So now?? Now all I can do is pray I'll be fine in a couple of days so I can hopefully eat black beans all OVER AGAIN. I so totally love them. Pop or no pop.

MY PERSONAL PHOTOGRAPHER

How much do I love this picture of me? I can't even believe it... especially since SO many pictures of me totally suck. I think my biggest problem is that when I either look in the mirror or at a picture of myself, I am basically expecting and/or hoping to see Nicole Kidman's image staring back at me. Or maybe Gweneth Paltrow, even. Not only do I find these women to be nothing short of stunning but OMG... THOSE BODIES! I would kill for such looks.

In the meantime of course, I will never attain such standards of beauty so when I DO come across a picture of me that kinda resembles SOME sort of decency, I'm tickled pink. As with the picture of me up above. Granted it's nothing to rave about but what I like about it is that to me, it captures what I'm all about when I'm running around living my life. As in: happy to be spending some money. Happy to be wearing something nice and comfortable. Happy to know I didn't just quickly run out of the house looking major crappy, hoping I don't run into anyone.

On this particular day I was running around in Staples. Which is where I also ran into Harry... a friend of mine. He had just gotten a new camera and was thrilled to be able to grab a picture of me which btw, took three times before he had me centered correctly. Don't ask. Anyway, I stood there, smiled, and bingo. He snapped this shot. Then of course, he emailed the finished product to me later that day. I took one look at it and thought... WHOA. THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I SEE WHEN I LOOK INTO A MIRROR. Granted I'm not saying I'm THRILLED to be seeing this, but regardless... like it or not... I guess this is what I look like. Oh yeah... I suspect I'm smiling because I just found the exact sized Post-It Notes I was looking for.

In the meantime, I never leave the house without my own camera. Something Harry and I have in common, actually. I just never know what I'll see when I'm out and about and it would kill me if I saw something fantastic only to realize... Damnit. My camera's at home. Thus bingo. I always keep it in a side pocket of my purse. How else would I have been able to capture the shot of the horse drawn carriage that you normally only see Downtown, during evenings hours? On that particular night the carriage was traveling ON A RESIDENTIAL STREET THAT I TRAVEL ALL THE TIME! And... there were two love struck people in the carriage, too. I was stunned when I saw it about a month ago and I just HAD to take a picture of the event. Thinking I might even blog about it one day, btw. 


The funny thing is that almost no one uses a real camera anymore. They use their CELL PHONE instead! And it just kills me that some of the phones take pictures that are simply terrific. Not mine of course but whatever. Which is why I adore my digital camera. And basically never leave home without it.

On the other hand, I guess I COULD use my phone camera when in WalMart should I ever come across some of those beauties I happen to get in email. Seriously.... are those people GROSS or what? Frankly if you ask me... those people are just what you DON'T want to capture on film. Ever.  

WBF

Ever wonder why I look so damn fit? So damn trim? So damn muscular? Well while you... and just about everyone else I know... find these questions pretty damn comical, given I am SO not trim, muscular, etc., I do have to say that whatever the hell sort of health I AM in, it's pretty much thanks to Ansley. For she is the one who owns WHOLE BODY FITNESS and for the past couple of years, I've been going to her for my core training classes. Granted, I do have much BETTER core fitness than I ever did before I began, but man oh man. You should SEE some her students. They are FIERCE in their workouts and the more pain they can possibly endure... the happier they are.

I on the other hand am totally the worst student at the gym AND in my particular class but I don't even care. Everyone else feels pain and bingo. They work even harder to push their limits. Me? I feel the pain and merely say: Uh... thanks but no thanks. I think I'll pass on major aches and strain. I know. I'm such an asshole. But regardless...

As I was saying... my comical body toning is basically due to Ansley. Man is SHE ever one hell of a stunner. Plus... every muscle in her entire body is stoked to the hilt. It's enough to make you want to slit your wrists altogether. But whatever. In the meantime Ansley moved to a new location last April and we all totally love the new gym. Talk about ROOM. It's filled with all SORTS of training equipment and plenty of space for everyone to happily work out. And notice... I didn't say all sorts of machines. I said equipment. As in: items specifically made to make your BODY do all the work as opposed to steel mechanical contraptions doing the work out FOR you. Big difference for it's no easy feat, you can be sure. One hour of working out and plenty of times I need to come home and spend two hours recuperating.

Okay. So last Thursday I went to class and in this new roomy gym there now happens to be plenty of room for a workout clothing line of sorts. All kinds of stuff. Stuff that naturally I could never wear, but anyone else could.  And they actually do. I'm talking: skimpy! It turns out that over in the clothing section I recently happened to catch a glimpse of some Tshirts that were for sale. I took one look at them and whammo. I knew I had to buy one! WHAT A GREAT TAG LINE they had on the back. As in: 

LIVE SORE.

Is that fantastic for a gym or WHAT? For trust me... many a time I've left sore as hell! In fact, when I first started... I took Advil BEFORE I left the house just so I'd be in minimal pain AFTER I returned. Anyway, I just love when people come up with THE most clever thoughts or sayings and when I saw Live Sore I flipped. Talk about being able to identify. So that's the Tshirt in the picture up above. I know. Grey. Totally UGH and so not what I'd have chosen, which naturally would have been white. But no one asked me, so I rolled with the punches. 

Now mind you... normally I would NEVER wear a Tshirt. ESPECIALLY with some sort of bullshit written on it. It reminds me of what a 10 year old would wear. In fact, according to the Linda School of High Style NO woman with a grey root in her hair should ever don such a shirt style, but that's just me.

Hence my current dilemma: when to ever actually WEAR this Tshirt. I'm thinking maybe bedtime is the only option but even then I would never wear it. I like pretty or silky or at the very least calf length and 3/4 length sleeve. Likewise... I can't wear this shirt out in public given there is no shape whatsoever and besides, as I said... I'm no longer 10. I CAN wear it however with some minor modifications perhaps. Maybe. Thus just to sort of practice, I took the shirt and gave it my own sort of flair in the hopes maybe I can at least wear this to core training class. Once, anyway.

Creating this modification required my getting a scissor. And then... required cutting. As in: cutting out the sleeves and doing away with the crew neck in favor of a V neck. At least NOW maybe I can wear it over my leggings and shirt... kinda like a tunic top type look. Wanna see what I came up with?? Check this out:

       





Granted... it's not much better looking, I know. And, I still have some fine tuning yet to do on the shoulders but at least maybe I can now walk out my door and not look TOTALLY crappy. The key word here is: maybe. I still haven't worn it yet and don't know if ever I will. On the other hand... were I too ever see this in pale pink, a soft aqua, or even black I'd have a much better chance of wearing this in broad daylight.  


In closing let me just say other tag lines I also love are: CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?? Or: BECAUSE YOU'RE WORTH IT, which by the way IS my mantra. And oh yeah: WHAT HAPPENS IN VEGAS STAYS IN VEGAS. I must say by the way... one of the funniest tag lines I've ever heard was: Lick Me Til Ice Cream. LOLOL I still get a kick out that, even today. 

BLURRED LINES

Up. My. Alley. That's all I can tell you. I heard this song and totally fell in love with it immediately. I even went to YouTube and was able to log in to view the XXX Rated version which is pretty cool. Sexy to say the LEAST. Including Robin Thicke himself. But the girls?? OMG. Don't ask.

Like how lucky is Robin that the girls are doing this video with him almost totally nude. Talk about hot asses! IT'S CRIMINAL that women have an ass like this. I am sooooooo jealous it's unbelievable. In the meantime however... forget about the girls. Wait til you see Robin's BLUE EYES. To die for.

As for the song... I was pulling into my car dealership to have an oil change this afternoon, listening to Howard Stern on my satellite car radio. Howard had been interviewing Robin Thicke which I was pretty much enjoying but then WHOA. All of a sudden I heard Robin perform this song in Howard's studio and I went nuts. Mainly because I was now entangled in a major dilemma. LISTEN TO THE SONG FINISH OR... GET OUT OF THE CAR FOR THE SERVICE DEPT?? What's a girl to do?

Turns out what I did was: give my keys to the guy and then immediately grab my cell phone so I could get to YouTube to hear/watch the video. I was in sheer heaven practically dancing all over the place as Robin was singing. TALK ABOUT GOOD LOOKING. Plus... as I said, I love the song, too.

Now I don't know whether or not you have a YouTube account. If you do, you'll be able to view the sexed out version. If not, then listen to this version which has the lyrics for you. There is simply no way you can be happy and alive and NOT tap your toes to this tune.


Which is why I'm thinking that there should so be condos just for: Happening Senior Citizen Singles Only so we could all have parties galore and dance all night long while toking or drinking champagne and listening to songs like this. Let alone what could hopefully occur during the After Party if you catch my drift. Talk about FUN, right? On the other hand...

I can so promise you not ONE of the senior citizens, male or female, will ever have bodies like this. But that's okay. That's where mere gratitude comes in.  

HOLY SMOKES

I totally love this picture. Mainly because I have this crazy ass affinity for Smokey the Bear. And it apparently became heightened once I actually moved here to the Smoky Mountains. Where there are LOTS of forests. And where as you already know: only YOU can prevent forest fires.

One day years ago, I was online, saw this particular picture of Smokey and fell in love with it immediately. His expression just thrills me. Plus... if you've ever checked out other Smokeys throughout the years, you'll see there are zillions of different images of him. THIS image however is by far my favorite. So much so that when I saw it... I copied and pasted it into my imaging software, had it blown up and bingo. Had him framed to hang on my kitchen wall. I wished I could explain it but suffice it to say that for some reason he simply exemplifies everything wonderful about my having moved to Western NC.  

Okay. So Smokey has hung on my kitchen wall for years. Then... when I moved to my new house, naturally once again, I hung him in my new kitchen. I don't know. Maybe it's his eyes. His coloration. Who the hell knows. All I can tell you is that I smile every time I look at him. Anyway...

A few years ago, my kid was at home and together we took this label maker I have and we walked all throughout the house, pasting a label above every switch plate I have in every room. Most have double switches on the plates and some even three. It was kinda like: a little adventure my kid and I went on one afternoon to entertain ourselves. And... I was killing two birds with one stone given: as I walked around in all the rooms, I would say aloud what switch went to what feature, and my son would then print out the description so we could put the label right smack above each switch plate.

This way... I knew exactly what switch to press for what. As in: the ceiling fan vs. the ceiling lights. Or the doorway lights vs. the walkway lights. Or the outside deck lights vs. the outdoor flood lights. Etc. Etc. This entire process took about 45 mins. let's say and we had a pretty good time doing it. So much so that I'm thinking my son wasn't really yet ready to put the label maker away for... get a load of this... one day about three weeks later, I take a look at Smokey and lo and behold, next thing I know, I'm looking at THIS:

OMG. I INSTANTANEOUSLY BURST OUT LAUGHING. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. WHAT?? CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS?? WHO THE HELL DID THAT?? Well actually, the culprit was pretty easy to figure out given I knew I didn't do it. Boom. It had to have been my son. I took one look at Smokey and completely thought this was the funniest thing I'd seen in a long time. Can you imagine?? Talk about sacrilegious, right?? Who the hell would ever want to dis such a sweet innocent looking little bear? Uh... apparently my kid does.


In the meantime, I got such a chuckle out of this that I've never changed a thing about the picture and just as you see it now, is the way it hangs in my house to this very day. And I still laugh every time I look at him. Which is crazy since you go into OTHER peoples' homes and find grand pieces of masterpiece artwork only to walk into MY house and find FUCK SMOKEY on my wall. Talk about a total switch up in the Fine Arts department. 

TONTO

I am far from a film critic. In fact... I often tell you my alltime favorite movies are those made for 17 year old teenage boys. Kinda raunchy. Plenty of nonsense. Major profanity. And usually hilarious. KNOCKED UP comes to mind. In fact ANYthing with Seth Rogen or Jonah Hill is a must see in my book. As is normally Vince Vaughan or Jon Favreau, too. I even liked the first HANGOVER, although the other two sorta sucked. WAY over the edge for an old lady like myself. I also love Melissa McCarthy who btw was outta control uproariously funny in THE HEAT with Sandra Bullock. Uh... as you can see... my standards for movie going are pretty minimal. My friends love the high brow stuff. I go for the crap.

What I don't go for is the high action powered testosterone stuff. Nor grizzly murder mysteries. And certainly not thrillers. So... when I went to see THE LONE RANGER I wasn't really sure what to expect. If fact, we only went as a sort of default movie given there wasn't anything else playing that caught my fancy. Besides... Johnny Depp. Need I say more? Man. Staring at him for a couple of hours is totally up my alley. So bingo... I saw the movie.

AND SO SHOULD YOU. It was simply great. I seriously loved every minute of it. And trust me... it was a LONG movie. When I walked out of the film I had the feeling that anyone growing up in the 50s SO had to see this if for nothing else, nostalgia sake. Speaking of nostalgia...

If you think for one minute this movie mimics what we all watched on Saturday mornings while growing up... get that thought out of your head but fast. Granted the main characters are somewhat reminiscent but that's about where it all ends in the similarity department. The film has way more comedy in it and all KINDS of action and/or special effects and a totally different story line. What DOES make you sit up and take notice however is when... finally... you hear the 1812 Overture and when you do, you want to jump up for joy and clap your hands all over the place. You feel like 10 years old once again. It's actually kinda cool.

I totally fell in love with Tonto's headdress, btw. I read recently that Depp apparently saw a painting by Kirby Sattler of an American Indian wearing something akin to the black crow he wears on screen. The portrait's entire look inspired him to recreate something along those lines and in my mind... it worked. He looks pretty much like the painting and there is no question he looked like a realistic Native American. I'm thinking the makeup artist deserves a raise.


I'm pretty glad I got to spend time with Tonto/Depp and maybe you should too. True... there will be no awards given to this film but as I said... if you grew up in the 50s with Sky King, Circus Boy, Superman, Rin Tin Tin, Andy Devine, etc. then you might want to check out The Lone Ranger. Talk about a great way to begin your Saturday mornings. Heigh Yooooooooooooooo Silver! And yes... the experts do in fact tell me: it's not Heigh Ho. It's YO. And no... not as in: Yo Mama.  

A REGAL INFANT

I have to admit... not only am I on Baby Watch for the next heir or heiress to the English throne, but also... I'm pretty damn excited about this birth, too. It reminds me of when I myself was past due for delivery of my son... and everyday I got hordes of phone calls inquiring... ANYTHING YET??? Man, I would so love to call the Duchess of Cambridge and say SO?? YOU FEELING ANYTHING?? Granted, I'm not on Kate's A List, so that pretty much is never going to happen but believe you me... I'm pretty close to all types of media lately so I'll be right smack on top of the news when it's released.

As much as I adored Diana's wedding, I must say I adored Kate's just as much. Maybe even more given that HER husband is so much more a gentleman in the purity and integrity department than his father ever was. At least William married a woman he truly loves. Seriously... it is just so damn sad to me that Diana had such high hopes for a loving, joyful marriage only to find out that from the absolute get go... Charles was a fucking liar. He never adored Diana. He never really loved Diana. And he never considered giving up his devotion to a mistress.

Granted, Diana may have been an emotional handful, but geez... what the hell did he EXPECT if he was going to make it a three way marriage? Of COURSE she'd go nuts. Which is why I'm pretty thrilled that it was she who always grabbed all the love and attention and headlines of the world... as opposed to Charlie himself. Who completely sucks btw. Anyway... we all know the tragedy of Diana, so no need to dwell on that crap.

Instead I take total glory in knowing that what in fact, saved the entire future of the monarchy, is without a doubt the marriage of William and Kate. After all the sordid soap operas of the Queen's children, finally... a genuine reason appeared, to ensure that the adoration of the Royals will once again be cherished. A reason that is, by way of: WILLIAM AND KATE. Theirs thank God is a love story that had a huge dose of reality and dignity. Theirs is a marriage that has been created in true modern perspectives. And theirs is a coronation that's killing me since I'll never be able to even see it given I'll be long gone when it actually occurs. Damnit. Which only means: I'M SO PSYCHED ABOUT THIS ROYAL BIRTH.

I can't even IMAGINE what the nursery will look like, but ten to one... I bet it'll be toned down compared to past nurseries. Which is a shame since I'd kill to create the baby's room for a REAL Prince or Princess. I myself would have the designer deck out the place to the elegant nines, but that's just me. In fact... in the pictures up above, you can see a couple of ideas that sorta struck my fancy. Especially since if I were able to have an outrageously stunning nursery for my kid... can you imagine what that would mean in terms of what my OWN bedroom could look like as well?? I'm telling you... I was born to dream of wealth and perks.


So basically this all boils down to the fact that like the rest of the world, I'm dying to hear news of the royal birth. If I were smart, I'd even have a Baby Shower Luncheon much like the Pre Wedding Luncheon I actually had to celebrate the April marriage. THAT luncheon was so incredible and plenty of fun! Regardless... my gut is telling me I bet it's going to be a boy but Kate's gut tells me she's carrying as if it's a girl. On the other hand, the one thing I AM sure of is that there will never be any Royal Bris. Which... in case you care btw... Charles is cut. William and Harry, due to Diana's insistence, are not.

SEPARATION ANXIETY

Oh man... what a nightmare. Turns out my Internist all of a sudden decided to retire. WHO SAID SHE'S ALLOWED TO DO THIS ANYWAY?? I am sooooo unhappy, you can't imagine. Plus... it's a major pain in the ass to find a new one. As if that's not enough apparently doctors are also allowed to say: THANKS BUT NO THANKS. I'M NOT TAKING ANY MORE NEW PATIENTS. Talk about being oh so high and mighty.

Regardless... lickety split I got on the phone trying to set up consultations with new doctors so I can decide whether or not we'd be a good fit. As in: whether or not they'll give me any script I want... kinda like my departing doctor does. She was the perfect set up for me. Boom. I tell her I need a certain med and bingo. She writes the prescription. A basic match made in heaven.

In the meantime, before you even get to the consultation appointment, you have to fill out intake forms for the new medical office. Keyword here is: forms. As in ZILLIONS of them!! With zillions of questions on each sheet, no less. Jesus... you have NO idea how long I was working on these last night. I thought I'd go nuts. What's really crazy is that for someone who is sorta kinda healthy, I had quite a sh*tload of surgeries to document as well as current vitamins and meds. Oh yeah... and ongoing conditions, too. Seriously... what a person with a list of MAJOR medical problems must have to contend with must be sheer and utter hell.

So bingo. Today was my appoint with Sue. The reason I call her Sue is.... sitting down?? She's not even a doctor!! Instead she's a Family Nurse Practitioner who has her Master's Degree and who takes 50 hours of course updates every year. Plus.. come to find out... she's brilliant!! We spent an hour today talking through all sorts of things and I can tell right off the bat she's STRICT. As in: she's going to make me take my blood sugar reading EVERY damn day. Just like all other diabetics do but what I... uh... never do. It's a pain in the ass and I hate doing it given I'm pretty lazy. Even worse she is going to make me stop eating all the crap I love because it's not really good for me. Damnit.

On the other hand, there is a pretty good chance here that I just may become even healthier which I guess is not such a bad thing afterall. I even asked if in the event she isn't around when I need her, is there a doctor in the practice that she likes better than another. She told me the male doctors are way less on top of how to treat medical issues than she is and of the two female doctors, I should try Dr. ABC as opposed to Dr. XYZ. If I heard Sue correctly, she was like the first licensed Nurse Practitioner in the state of NC. Plus... I decided I needed her most for Family Practice type stuff since I already have all my specialists. Bottom line: I do believe I kinda like her.

Which is good given my other Doctor will be kaput come October. Granted... Sue is lessening my separation anxiety but still... I wished my real doc wasn't retiring. Which sorta brings me to another issue in modern day medicine.

While last night I was dealing with these crazy ass forms, yesterday morning I needed to talk to Blue Cross Blue Shield about my son's coverage. I needed to verify that payment was received and his coverage was in fact, still in place. Not a big deal, right?? WRONG. Wanna guess how long I was waiting on the phone after having pressed button after button to get to the right person? IT WAS AN HOUR AND 15 MINUTE WAIT!! I was fit to be tied. Something about medicine has GOT to be switched up. It is CRAZY to be on the phone so long for just a stupid little question. 


Happily it seems that all was good to go but I'm so serious... I have no clue how in his mid 80s my Dad EVER contended with this new fangled way of doing business. Not to mention Medicine. Trust me... if you have no anxiety BEFORE you begin dealing with doctors, insurance companies, whatever.... you will by the time you get to the bottom of anything. Which only means one thing: always have a great shrink on hand ready to help at a moment's notice. 

TRUCK NUTZ

Oh man... ever hear of these things?? Well neither had I and let me tell you... I was STUNNED when I not only viewed them for the first time, but also that there even IS such a thing. It's totally gross. Naturally were I a male I'd have heard of them long ago since apparently they've been on the market for a pretty long time. In fact, from what I'm told they're even banned in some cities. Which is good. They're absolutely disgusting and wholly unnecessary.

Never seen any before?? Then guess what. Today's your lucky day. You can view them first hand in the picture up there. I saw them and had to take a picture of it IMMEDIATELY. What?? Are you kidding me?? There are testicles hanging from that lady's car?? OMG. Say it ain't so.

Unfortunately however I have to say: yes, so. It basically went down like this. I was recently a passenger in the car one day and we were stopped at a light. I took one look in front of me and whammo. I say: TIME OUT. WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?? When told, in no time at all I whipped out my camera and started shooting away. I figured now THIS was something I had to document for posterity. Besides, ten to one I bet I never see this ever again.   

Anyway, to say this caught me off guard is an understatement. Like just how long has THIS been going on where people put chrome testicles on their rear fender?? To find out... I went to two sources. 1.) the Internet and 2.) my kid. On the net I found several sites that sell these and get this... they come in a total array of sizes and colors!! On the other hand, when I asked my son if he ever heard of these his reply was twofold: yes, he's certainly heard of them and no, if any mother sees her daughter being picked up for a date by a guy with these on his car... don't let her go! Basically meaning... the date is a major idiot.

Oh yeah... according to the Urban Dictionary... there are two definitions for Truck Nuts. Sitting down??

1. Truck Nuts: A pair of testicles attached to the rear of a car or truck used as an international symbol allowing homosexual men to identify each other. Red or blue colors are used to indicate if the vehicle owner is a "top" or a "bottom" while other colors indicate "no preference" as well as usual, or unusual preferences. Size of the nuts have no direct relationship to the actual size of the owner's penis and are usually misleading. 2. Originally bull balls, and now also human looking scrotum hanging from underneath the back of a truck. Usually to remind followers that the truck is masculine. Different colors indicate subtle meanings added. Usually considered a redneck accoutrement.


After reading this... I've decided there is basically no more I can possibly say about this topic. It's just way too over the edge for me to contemplate further. Seriously. How many times have I mentioned that entire world has totally gone to hell in a handbasket? See?? I AM right. Here's all the damn proof we'll ever friggin' need. Man... thank God I've got less than 20 years left to live. And btw... you're welcome for me teaching you about crazy ass urban life in the 21st century.  

PROVE IT

Tonight I'm giving you all a test. And btw... for those of you still in South Florida... and you DON'T pass it... then you've apparently been living inside a freakin' cave all these years. The test??? Easy. YOU'VE LIVED IN MIAMI?? OKAY THEN. PROVE IT.

Name this building:

I'll make it even easier for you:

Buzz. Time's up. Oh man... anyone who can't tell me what this building is or where it is located, gets major demerits. Living in Miami or not. Besides, this building is so famous that up until recently it never even had its name on the front. Demerits can be given regardless since basically... there are HORDES of movies where this building has either been featured or actually even been used as the film's prime location. So bingo. I'm hoping everyone came up with the same answer. As in - the name of this building is:

THE FOUNTAINEBLEAU HOTEL, MIAMI BEACH.

I can't even tell you how many times, while growing up, I've been there. In fact... I'm almost thinking that my Grandfather actually had a cabana there, but I'll have to ask my sister for verification of said memory. I've been there as a hotel guest as well as a mere visitor to the restaurants, entertainment, pool, conventions, etc. It was and still is a glorious building and a MAJOR landmark. And... it was designed by Morris Lapidus, who it turns out, became a hotshot, noted architect. Morris also designed the Eden Roc Hotel, which is right next door to the Fountainebleau. Which by the way, royally pissed Ben Novak off but PLENTY. Why so pissed??

Because Ben Novak owned the Fountainbleau and it was literally his pride and joy. More so in fact than even his son... Ben Novak Jr. Ben lived and breathed for the hotel, much to the chagrin of Benjy Jr. Thus, building the Eden Roc right smack next door was more than Novak could stand. In fact, he was SO pissed that Ben then built a huge addition to the Fountainebleau that would totally cover the sunlight from the Eden Roc's pool. 

Wondering how I know all this??

Easy. I'm reading Novak's biography and I'm telling you... it's mighty spicy to say the least. The book includes stories of huge Hollywood celebrities, the Mob, hordes of monies passing hands, lavish celebrations, zillions of women, and even murder. The book spends half the time talking of Ben Sr. but soon spends the other half of the story talking of Ben Jr. Oh man... now THERE was one f'ed up kid if ever there was.

On the other hand, who can blame him. His father basically ignored all parenting responsibilities other than keeping Benjy's wallet pretty well padded. Benjy grew up living in the family's 17th story Penthouse and had access to any part of the hotel he fancied. He also had a HORRIBLE stuttering problem which totally embarrassed his father. Plus... Ben Jr. had a total addiction to law enforcement and later even became a part of the Miami Beach police reserve force. Lastly... what a surprise... Benjy also had a penchant for strippers and overall poor skills in choosing dignified women with whom to surround himself. All in all, this biography not only intrigues me but also brings back memories of days gone by.

The hotel is impressive to say the least and my memories themselves pretty much take note of such impression. You walked into the lobby? Boom. You just knew you weren't in Kansas anymore. It was elegant. It was filled with people hustling and bustling. It was a happy place to be. The pool was amazing. The restaurants had perfectly fine food. And oh yeah... the entertainment was top notch. 

In the meantime, I'm not yet finished with the biography but just let me tell you: things don't work out so hotsi totsi for Benjy. Nor did they work out so well for his father, either. As in: he went bankrupt and lost the Fountainebleau altogether. Which trust me was a hole in his heart from which I don't think he ever recovered.

Bottom line here? What a great place this hotel and Coral Gables and Miami Beach was back in the 50s and 60s... a totally fabulous place to have grown up. And oh yeah... for those who have a penchant for history HERE is a link that will teach you all you have to know about the Fountainebleau. It's pretty interesting if you ask me. 

One last thing. How many of YOU were in fact able to have a piece of all this history? If, like me, you were... then maybe this will look mighty familiar. I totally love it.

HAPPY FOURTH

I kinda like the 4th of July, actually. First of all... I love fireworks. Second of all, I really love hot dogs. Third of all, I love cherry and/or blueberry pie. Fourth of all, I love patriotic songs. And of course, I love being with friends to celebrate almost anything. So bingo. This is a holiday that encompasses it all.

Before I headed out today however, I was reading some email from Janet and somehow we were on the topic of weed. And I don't mean the kind that screws up the gardens in the front of my house. I'm talking the kind that says: YIPPEE. LET'S CELEBRATE. In the meantime, talk about Pavlovian theory. Janet mentions weed and boom. I immediately think: Now THERE'S an idea.

Which means I had to check the clock to see exactly how much time I had left before I needed to high tail it outta here. Once I concluded I had plenty of time to get together all the things I was bringing to the party I was attending... I then concluded I DEFintely had time to roll a couple of joints. Turns out Janet came up with an outstanding idea without even meaning to. Ergo: I went for it.

I can't even tell you how long it's been since I've actually rolled. Normally I go the pipe route. I have three favorites, in case you're interested. One a friend made for me years ago... out of tin foil... that is PERfect for doing the job. The other is a beautiful baby glass pipe that another friend gave to me and which also is a winner. The third... and the one I've used most recently... was given to me by yet aNOTHer friend and it's pretty cool. It's made to mimic the look of a cigarette which comes in pretty handy should you want to drive all over the city while taking a toke or two. No one's the wiser that instead of probably killing myself with future lung cancer, I am in fact... putting a happy smile on my face.  


In the meantime, I used none of the above yesterday. As I said... I went the traditional route. A rolled joint. I decided that while all the others would be busy drinking their wine to get a buzz, I'd get mine on by inhaling a time or two. Talk about mission accomplished. I totally loved it. Best of all... it worked. I got an absolutely lovely little buzz that if you ask me works way better than a glass of wine. Without the sugar and calories I might add. In fact... I think I'm going to have to rethink that which I carry in my purse each day. Having a joint handy can really do the trick, if you ask me.

I will say this btw... I could not stop eating ALL NIGHT LONG. It was crazy. An apparent drawback I see to taking a mere two tokes. It may have just been coincidental given I can't imagine the munchies lasting a full six hours but matters not. For whatEVER reason, I went to bed absolutely stuffed. 

Which I consider punishment enough to all you Google Police out there. Thus... don't get your undies all tied up in a knot. You needn't tract me down given I am far from the criminal element for whom you may be searching. Better you should check out rapists, burglars, etc. since basically all I am doing in this pict is reliving a memory from days gone by. My theory is: if anyone is looking to put an old perfectly refined lady like me in jail for inhaling twice... then go ahead. Just please don't put me in jail where I'll get bitch slapped all over the place. I SO couldn't handle that. 

Unless of course I were high.

MY YEARLY DELIGHT

I was born in May. Thus, my zodiac sign is Taurus. Which means I was born in the Spring. Which also means I am of Mother Earth herself. Which pretty much covers what I'm all about. Actually... according to Tarot.com:

"Earth signs are naturally practical. They are bound to Earth. There is no escaping the reality around them. The Earth is about as real as it gets; it can be felt, weighed and it has substance. Accordingly, the earth signs base their life on what is real, not what is imagined. Sensation is valued over thoughts or feelings. Earth signs live with their feet on the ground. Others seek their advice because of their basic sensibility. For earth signs, seeing is believing.

The earth of Taurus is simple and sensible. It's about getting back to basics. This is about working the earth in a garden or about having the tools that we need in order to build. Taurus isn't necessarily like a Bull in a ring with a toreador. They could be more like peace-loving Ferdinand, seeking the gentle meadows filled with flowers, sunshine and natural beauty."

Of  course it then goes on and on about what an absolute fantastic human being a Taurus is... sensual, jovial, loyal, delights in beauty and oh yeah... my key planet is Venus. About which I'm totally thrilled I might add. So basically, it all boils down to: I am by far, THE best sign ever, if you ask me. Kinda like: whether it be physical love, caring guidance, fun and hilarity, or even sheer intellect, bingo. Hook up with me. You'll never regret it. Okay... so with that said...

I am totally delighted right now. Why?? Because the event I love most is happening right now in my earthy front yard. MY HYDRANGEA BUSHES ARE ALL IN BLOOM!! All seven of them!! PURPLES! PINKS! PALE BLUES! And I'm so telling you... they are simply beautiful! Finally... they've grown to a height where now zillions of these are blossoming at any one time and they are so magnificent its breathtaking. The blossoms are big and round and the bushes are planted on both sides of my lawn. Plus... I'm cutting them right and left to put in vases all over the place. I've even running OUT of vases! Seriously... this is the one event that I look forward to all year long.

No wait. That's not true. It's the second event. The first, without a doubt, is in autumn when my back yard maple leaf trees turn bright orange and yellow. The hydrangeas come in second. The third stunning earthy event I guess is when I have the first snowfall, which I do have to say is breath taking as well. Uh... as long as it melts the next day that is. Anyway...

You just can't beLIEVE my front lawn. It's so gorgeous that it's nuts. I can supply the entire neighborhood with these blooms. Instead however I'm supplying just myself. I mean I get just SO much pleasure when not only do I see hordes of beautiful colors but you can't even IMAGINE the size of these. Take the pink bloom for instance up in the picture there, in the first vase on the left. Would you believe THAT bloom is like 7 inches across!!! Maybe six inches high!! It's AMAZING.

You just need to thank God every damn day you wake up that you get to see these particular plants. In my whole life when I lived in Florida I never saw anything like this at all. Hibiscus, yes. Bougainvillea, yes. Gardenias, yes. But Hydrangeas??? Absolutely not. I never even saw the yellow day lilies that are also in my garden. Nor a snap dragon. Nor a camellia. Nor a poppy. Nor a daffodil. Not even a pansy. That I can even iDENTify these flowers is simply mind boggling.


So basically now that I've had my flower thrill for the year... I totally am counting on Autumn to REALLY ramp up my flora delights. And maybe even a sighting or two of fauna. As in: bears, turkeys and deer. All of which you can easily see in one's yard. NOT MINE of course, but certainly in yards of my friends. Were I to see a bear in MY yard, you can so bet on my having a heart attack right then and there. Which would definitely put a glitch into my absolutely adoring the rest of the Fall season.