THE EQUATOR

Uh... forget about traveling to the infamous equator.... that imaginary line which divides the northern and southern hemispheres... where it just so happens to be THE hottest place on earth. And where, factoring in global warming, who even KNOWS what the temperature could wind up being now. I'd never ever consider making such a trip to where the heat is so outrageously ridiculous.

Except... that is just what I did a couple of weeks ago.

Only this time, I traveled to Florida. Oh. My. God. I only WISHED I were at the equator. Where I am told the daily heat weighs in at about an average of 87 degrees. Turns out... compared to where I was in Florida... the equator is almost like as if a cold front had come through. For in Florida, they had a blistering heat estimation of about 93 degrees, let's say. Not even counting the real feel temperature, either. Nighttime temps probably dropped to a soothing 84. 

ARE YOU F'ING KIDDING ME?? Who the hell would even WANT to live in such temps, anyway?? Apparently even hotter than the equator! Soooo unbearable is all I can say. And believe me... I totally packed all my crappy summer weight clothes and yet even that didn't help me any. 

Why I'm always having to be in Florida during THE hottest months of the year, is beyond me, but for the past three years, that's exactly what's happened. Regardless of the happy reason for which I went. I mean seriously. I love Laura and all, but really. Her next big milestone birthday has so got to be celebrated in January or February. Although unfortunately I don't see anyone ever asking me my opinion so that idea is basically kaput. Regardless... to Florida I went.

Given it was all a big surprise party for now 50 year old Laura, I couldn't even be with her the first day and a half I was there. Though I did have a perfectly wonderful substitute given her boss and good friend, Amy, did an excellent job as a stand in. In fact, Amy was not only so generous with her time and fun but even more important... became my personal shopper for the junk food my travels require. As in: who could ask for more. ROOM SERVICE? UH, NO THANKS. I HAVE AMY COMING ANY MINUTE NOW AND I'LL BE FULLY STOCKED, BUT THANKS ANYWAY. Even as we speak, I'm afraid to open the last huge bag of Peanut M&Ms for fear I'll down it in no time flat. 

Not only was her junk food spot on, but I had an incredible moment of major clarity when I was in Florida. I realized that the worst meal one could ever have down there was totally better than the best meal I could ever have up here, in my stupid little town with all kinds of restaurants. Well, except for the country club maybe, where I'm headed tonight, but whatever. I am so telling you.... I was in stupendous foodie heaven, equator or no equator. On the other hand... I do have admit that while I was in temperature hell alright, being back home is no picnic either. HOT. HOT. HOT. Man. I can't WAIT until the next four weeks are over and I can then again look forward to returning to the 70s. Let alone actually going outside to enjoy some real fresh air once again!

If I had to live on the deserts of the Middle East by the way, I'd have no choice but to shoot myself. Not to mention the fact I'd probably have to be wearing an entire ensemble of burqas, caftans, niqabs, and God only knows what else the men who rule there would make me wear. Living THERE, no wonder the religious beliefs are such that we are in hell here on earth, and will only find paradise once we kick the bucket. If such were the case for me... I'd GLADLY search out paradise lickety split. 

Does no one go swimming in the Mid East, btw? NEWS FLASH: yes they do. Wearing THIS, if you can believe it or not:

Some swim get up, right? Can you even imagine what the Mid Easterners would think of THIS western swimming apparel in the picture below? OMG. They'd have a heat stroke right on the spot, no pun intended. Warning by the way: not for the faint of heart, so viewer beware... and no, Heads of Blogger.com, I am not trying to be racey. I'm trying instead, to make a point although I do admit, this is SOME point, alright.

Whoa. I know. This micro bikini is a bit much, even for me, but I bet you see plenty of these in Brazil, let's say. Hence: The Brazilian wax. 

And though you can see why one is needed, rest assured that every female under the age of 50, that you happen to see walking down the street, well... just know she too, is pretty much sporting this 21st century look. Just ask her doctors and/or partners. And... by the way... in case you imagine this lady is being modest or something, that is totally a tattoo you're looking at there. 

In any case, all I can say is: global warming is so here and apparently it's here to stay. I can totally remember the days when I was growing up and didn't even HAVE air conditioning in the house! Let alone at school, in stores, offices, etc. Granted, my parents were kind enough to send me to sleep away camp each year in much cooler weather, but even that weather is no longer on the list of promised comfort. Thank God they wised up and finally got room air conditioners, eventually taking the big plunge and doing central air throughout our entire home.

Oh yeah... while those days were in the 1960s I also remember the days beginning with 2000 where my aging parents, while indeed having central air, felt that leaving the thermostat at a cool 79 degrees in mid summer was totally acceptable. Man. Don't even ask. In the meantime...  

Next summer I should probably consider actually vacationing at the equator. Can you even imagine? It seems as if THERE is as cool as almost anywhere on the planet. I could head to Brazil, Ecuador or even the Uganda for instance and still be ahead of the curve. Besides... all I'd have to pack is three bathing suits. Boom. Done. Totally scary. Not the heat of course. Instead... me in my swimsuit.      

POETIC JUSTICE

Talk about a crazy story, alright. It all began when I first moved here 14 years ago last month. Best possible decision of my life, btw, but whatever. When I got here, I started going to one of my alltime favorite little neighborhood restaurants for lunch. I'd maybe go about 3 times a week.

The place was great for lunch. Perfectly excellent choices of salad or perfectly excellent choices of sandwiches or even perfectly excellent choices of soups. Naturally with which, I'd throw in a side of fries. In fact... eventually, the menu read: MISS LINDA'S FRIES. That would be me, btw. Plus, I really liked the owner/cook named Kim. Even better than Kim btw, were the waitresses, but who's counting.

Anyway, Kim and I got along famously for years and years. Uh... until she went bonkers on me, that is. And, I mean bonkers! About four years ago I was with two other friends, we all ordered, my sandwich came but it TOTALLY appeared as if there was no cheese at all on my tuna melt. I kindly told the waitress it looked like there was a mistake, and to please take it back to add the cheese. Okay. No big deal. The waitress happily obliged.

Then... out of nowhere comes Kim who began yelling at me, telling me there WAS cheese on my sandwich and she knows for sure since SHE WAS THE ONE WHO MADE IT. I then explained that the three of us sort of looked and we couldn't even see it at which point Kim got all huffy with me and said: LOOK. I DON'T HAVE TIME TO STAND HERE AND ARGUE WITH YOU BUT YOUR SANDWICH HAD CHEESE ON IT AND THAT'S FINAL. Boom. She walked off.

Wow! I was stunned.

So were the two friends I was with. We couldn't beLIEVE the way Kim behaved... so rude and so embarrassing! I mean... it was crazy. Who the hell was SHE to yell at me like that?? Anyway... I swore from that day on, I would never step foot ever again in Kim's restaurant. And I haven't. 

Nor have I missed it one little bit given that it's just as easy for me to get to the country club, go to their Grill/Coffee Shop and bingo. Have an absolutely delicious lunch with tablecloths, superb service and magnificent view. And, if not there... then a zillion OTHER places in which I can happily dine. Thus basically I was able to say: screw you, Kim. Who the F even needs you, anyway?

Okay. So fast forward to February of this year. What do I and every other person in the city who eats, see in the local newspaper?? We see that Kim has been indicted by the Grand Jury on charges that she swindled some elderly guy... who's now deceased... out of a couple of million dollars and the nephew of the guy is PISSED! He wants it back! 

Talk about music to my ears, right?? Oh... I can't TELL you how much I love this story. Of course Kim denies the entire deal and claims it didn't go down like that all ALL and in fact, she'd happily give back all the money if they want. Yeah, right. I had told everyone I've ever met that this trial was totally going to be my entertainment of the summer given I was going to sit right smack up front in the visitor's gallery to watch this trial from gavel to gavel. With delight, mind you.

So in the meantime, get this... I JUST MAY GET TO DO THIS, AFTERALL! From a front seat, no less! Why you may ask?? Sitting down?? 

Because just this afternoon, when I went to my mailbox, what do I get for the third time since I've lived here.... A JURY SUMMONS!!! For August 10th, I believe!! I AM SO EXCITED, I can't believe it. The summons says it could be for a day or for a complete trial, or for the Grand Jury, even. I PRAY it's for me to sit in judgment of Kim!! Can you even imagine?? Of course, if it's NOT for Kim, then I want nothing to do with this summons shit at all. 

But if it IS... color me smiling!   

I've been called twice before to appear for jury duty and twice I was able to dodge a bullet. The LAST thing I want to do is to hear about some drug addict hoodlum who broke into a house and killed off a family of four. Or any other soap opera scenario, for that matter. Unless of course I know the person, in which case, count me in. ESPECIALLY if it's the restaurant owner! 

Oh man. For THAT, I'll dress to the nines and sit in the jury box for days on end if they want. Can you even imagine? Talk about poetic justice! And btw... yeah, yeah, yeah. I get it that I may be excused given I known this lady and been to her restaurant for years, but still. Let me thrill in the possibility of judging her for at least a LITTLE while, please.


Forget about justice being blind, btw. I'll be HAPPY to convict, with no testimony whatsoever. Well... wait a minute. I'll totally do my duty to hear all the evidence and come up with a just verdict... but I SO want to see this lady shiver in her seat. If the evidence does in fact implicate her then YIPPEE. I'll be tickled pink. Besides to my way of thinking, once the Grand Jury brings charges against you.... uh... you're kinda F'ed if you ask me. Not to mention probably guilty.    

TV

I've never ever seen even one episode of Game of Thrones. Never saw Orange is the New Black, either. In fact there are hordes of television shows the entire world watches, all of which I' haven't. I know... I'm a total loser. On the other hand...

I've never missed a Friday night show with Bill Maher. Plus... my DVR is totally filled with almost every episode of The Big Bang Theory. I record CBS Sunday Morning every week and I religiously watch Chris Matthews daily. I watch ABC's World News Tonight each and every evening, too.

Okay. So I do have plenty of TV under my belt. BUT... I may just have to give it all up at some point given I'm sick to my stomach way too often on what is being aired. Not necessarily from the shows themselves, mind you, but instead... from the most horrible, gross looking commercials, ever! They make me want to throw up! And believe you me... commercials are basically shown every 10 seconds. I totally hate that.

What I hate even more however, is how disgusting the medical ads are. I am sooo sick of seeing toe fungi on people's feet, of animated colon troubles, x-rays of a beating heart, paths of digestion, human brain transmitters and God only KNOWS what else. I am so telling you... seeing the insides of people simply make me cringe. Besides... if I wanted to see all this crap, I would have gone to school to become an x-ray technician or radiologist or surgeon or whatever. 

JUST DON'T SHOW ME THE GRAPHIC INSIDES OF PEOPLE WHILE I'M WATCHING TELEVISION. Or don't show me sores all over their body, either. Or anything even close to this garbage. Seriously.

Okay. I get it. We need to become educated about certain medical issues. But TELL me about them. DON'T show them to me. I cannot TELL you how much time I spend looking away from my set, queasy from what I'm kinda being forced to view. I SO much preferred the days when the little Speedy guy came on and told me what to do about heartburn and stomach woes... simply by taking an Alka Seltzer. Boom. Little happy character appears, tells you what to take for an ailment, sings a little song and whammo. We get it. Mission accomplished. 

But NOWadays, you have to see THE most disturbing insides of a body and actually watch how the product works throughout your organs and I totally hate that! Animated or not... the graphics make me sick to my stomach. Case in point, and I know this is weird to write about, but whatever:

As I began this entry, coincidentally, I could feel pressure on my bladder, urging me to get to the bathroom immediately... thus signaling I have a urinary infection coming on. I've been through this before and I know the symptoms like the back of my hand. They aren't pleasant, believe me. But no big deal. I know what's going on, have spoken to my doctor, have the antibiotics I need for this on hand, and easy as 1-2-3, I take them. Knowing of course the discomfort of all this will pretty much be relieved within about an hour. Why am I telling you this??

Because in the olden days, a commercial for a urinary medicine would be pretty easy to watch. You see the product, hear some nice guy or sweet sounding lady describe what to do and bingo. You got the message. But in TODAY'S world I'd have to not only learn about resolving the medical issue but also SEE how a bladder functions, SEE what happens if you've got an infection and WATCH how the urinary tract reacts to the appropriate medicine. WAY too much information, if you ask me. 

Just tell me what the fuck to do and yippee. I'll do it. As in: Oops. I feel major pressure, I know that's not legit, so as soon as this happens, I'll call a doctor to make an appointment and then I'll be seen. WHAT COULD BE EASIER?? Let alone far more pleasant than having to witness an actual bladder.

Which is also why, when I go to a specialist, I detest having to see all those horrible posters they hang on the wall showing the inside parts of the body on which the particular doctor specializes. HE/SHE has to know what it all looks like.... NOT ME. That's why I'm paying them, for God sakes. Oh yeah... and btw... I'm not too crazy about having to look at my OWN x-rays, either. Half the time, I just tell the doctor... hey YOU check them out and simply tell me what's going on. Afterall... I pretty much trust the doctor or I wouldn't be in their office in the first place.

The bottom line to all this ranting? PLEASE just let me watch TV without making me cringe during all the damn commercials. I turn on the set to be informed and/or entertained. Not to want to throw up. All the medical junkies??? Let them go to a channel showing them specifically every disgusting surgical or medical procedure known to man. Just please don't show it to ME in the middle of otherwise excellent programming. Jesus. I so need to contact the top executives of development at ad agencies. I could totally give them an earful... after which I am sure they'll throw me out on my ass. So much for customer feed back.        

BALLET FLATS

 I have always thought that satin ballet boxed toe shoes are by far the most beautiful shoes ever designed for women. You can see what I mean, up above. To me... they are just so damn feminine and delicate looking... thus so very sexy. I mean seriously. The satin ankle wrap arounds? OMG. Stunning! Ballet dance shoes on the other hand... are the soft, usually pink, slip on flats ... often with an elastic strap across the top of the foot... that people wear to regular dance classes, let's say. 

So when manufactures began to create fantastic ballet inspired flats for women at large, about 20 years ago... boom. I was their target audience. And ever since then, the comfort, design and beauty of flats have become way elevated, for sure. 

Which was totally good news for me given 20 years ago was probably just about the time when I was done with high heels. In my 30s I could wear high heels and teach all day, every day with no problem at all. When I was in my 40s I could wear heels when merely going out to dinner, fancy parties, etc. But by my 50s... hello flats for any and all occasions. Uh... except when I totally want a great sexy shoe which only means: in my 60s, all I can and do now wear, is a really pretty kitten heeled shoe, like this one below. Which btw, I own and simply adore wearing.

But for most outfits my go to shoe is DEFinitely an incredible looking flat. Thus when a couple of years ago, shoe companies came up with a fantastic flat, married with the look of a ballet toe shoe, I was so in. In fact, I was thrilled. I totally loved the look! And btw, I have to thank Jessica Simpson for that. Hers were the first design like this that I saw and bingo. I bought them on the spot. Here... have a look of what I own. I particularly love wearing them with dresses, in case anyone cares.

Of course really high end manufacturers designed some incredible ballet toe flats too, but they are MAjor pricey. Case in point: this is another ballet toe flat, but from CHLOE, which can be yours for a mere $450. And trust me... if I were a really wealthy woman, I'd have them in every color possible. Which actually, I can't now, given I do believe this particular design has been retired. Oh well. No big deal. Because I have PLENty of other shoes in my closet.

Like this next one, for instance. Remember when I was spending my entire time being sure I had every item of fashion in this year's rose quartz color? Well Talbot's was kind enough to make these flats for me... well, okay; for the entire female population, too but whatever... which as it happens, matches perfectly to a pair of slacks they also made for me. Thank you, thank you Talbots! In any case... I totally love this color! I think I just may need to pop some pearls or something on them however, to spruce them up a bit but still... they are a beautiful suede flat in a remarkably beautiful color, even as a stand alone.

And by the way... I have no clue whatsoever where this store is, but WOW. Are they serious?? This is so totally a store I could easily learn to love since just LOOK at the selection of flats from which one could choose. 

Can you believe it?? OMG. Now THIS is what I call a shoe store, alright! Man I could spend a whole damn day here, trying on every single style, in every single color. Including the sparkly ones too... well, as long as they don't look like a 4 year old's pair on my 68 year old foot, that is. Besides... note the ease with which one could grab a shoe and simply try it on. I think anyway. 

Also... get a load of the color choices! Jesus. I'd be in shoe heaven for sure. Ahhhh... if only, right? Besides... just as they say you can never be too thin or too rich... you also can never have enough shoes in your closet. Check. Mission accomplished. 

A MEAN, SLOW DEATH

Not mine, thank God. Nor anyone I love. But still... if I didn't kick the bucket yesterday then I probably won't for a long time yet to come. Instead, the mean slow death that's happening is: to my beloved Kindle DX. And I couldn't be sadder.

After about 5 years of using it each day and night, it now needs to be on life support 24/7 meaning: the battery is pretty much kaput and the only way it will read to me is if I keep it plugged in and charged the entire time. And no... you can't really just buy a new battery to pop in and boom. Bring it back to life. Besides... they don't even MAKE my model anymore which is way too bad since I love it maybe more than other device I own. Anyway....

After speaking to Amazon, I learned the only product that has text to speech is the new Kindle Fire 10. Just my luck... the priciest Fire too, but what else is new. I then decided instead of just ordering a Fire directly from Amazon, I needed instead to actually go and see how all these Fire items look and operate. So I headed on over to Best Buy last Friday and the next you know... I'm now the proud new owner of a Kindle Fire 10 tablet. Not to be confused with my iPad tablet, btw. Don't ask. Anyway...

I then went to YouTube to see all how to set up the new Fire and figure out all it's features. I even Googled a zillion questions I had and as it happened... I was able to actually do the set up pretty well. That's the good news. The bad news is:

When I got to the part for which I am actually using the Fire... for all my books and the text to speech feature to read to me... I had to call Amazon tech support to specifically learn how to get my 350 books from my old Kindle onto the new tablet. Uh... after 4 hours on the phone and still not having all my books downloaded onto the Fire, I was ready to commit hari kari. Seriously. Granted... the lady on the phone was patient as hell, but still. I wanted to F the world by now and simply exit it peacefully via an overdose of champagne, doggy downers or SOMEthing. Anything.

To complicate matters... my wifi was not helping at all. On both my tablets, my internet connection operates only intermittently. Kinda like it has a mind of it's own as to when it wants to receive my signal or doesn't.  SO frustrating. So... finally I broke down and said THAT'S IT. To hell with the book downloads and I immediately called it a day with Amazon support. 

Instead, I called AT&T and said: PLEASE GET SOMEONE OVER HERE LICKETY SPLIT AND FIGURE OUT WHY THE F MY BRAND NEW WIRELESS WiFi WON'T CONSISTENTLY RECOGNIZE MY TABLETS! Enough of this bullshit, already. I TOTALLY NEED SOMEONE OUT HERE SINCE I AM AN OLD LADY HAVE NO CLUE ABOUT MODEM CRAP. And oh yeah... DON'T MAKE ME WAIT DAYS. I'M TALKING HOURS, HERE. Uh... thanks very much.

Bingo. The guy must have taken pity on me and yippee he was going to send a guy out the very next day. I was totally able to now give up the idea of doing myself in and instead, would patiently await AT&T 's arrival. Yay! Right on time, Kevin or Darryl or whatever his name was, showed up right smack on time and fixed the problem within an hour, I guess. Apparently I had two WiFi passwords going on... or something like that... and we needed to delete one, establish another one altogether and then sync all my six other devices to the brand new password. Whew. Mission accomplished, I'm happy to say.

By this time I was pretty much smiling and sat down to now begin testing the Fire's text to speech. BOOM. IT WORKED! Hallef'inglujah.

Uh... except for one major glitch, that is. THE HIGHEST VOLUME IS SO DAMN SOFT I CAN HARDLY HEAR THE DAMN THING. It's crazy. My old Kindle could be heard from a nearby room. THIS Kindle can only be heard from a VERY nearby table top. SO not what I was hoping for. I then of course Googled every and any complaint the entire world had about this volume crap and sure enough... zillion of others are unhappy with the quiet volume dilemma as well. So not what I wanted to hear. No pun intended.Talk about the fix being worse than the problem itself!

Which only means I'm back to square one. At bedtime I need my plugged in Kindle DX. During the day I can MAYbe use my Kindle Fire. Talk about mission being only semi accomplished. Trust me... already I can see that soon enough I'll be on eBay selling my new Fire, for I'm pretty sure the next generation will totally have the volume problem corrected. 

Of course I'll then have to actually LEARN how to sell on eBay given I'm a pro only in buying. I just have no clue how to sell. Spending money? I'm pretty damn good. Making money? Uh... not so much.    

WHAT 68 LOOKS LIKE

So all I can tell you is: my birthday celebration was a major success. Let alone maybe one of my alltime favorite birthdays ever. Claudia totally did a magnificent job in dinner decor and dinner menu, which by the way, I had told her exactly what to serve. I know... kinda ballsy of me but I totally didn't want to head to the playhouse with too full a stomach. Turns out the sandwich fixings, mac and cheese, coleslaw, etc. was simply outSTANDING. T'was an easy menu alright but wow. Talk about elevating the feast. Oh yeah... the cake was beyond delicious.

Therefore I had an excellent evening even before we saw the play but man o man... after we all headed out to the playhouse, found our seats and settled into the play... rock and roll fire works began almost immediately. PHENOMENAL is all I can say. THEN... to make the evening even more spectacular, I walked outside after the show and lo and behold who should I see standing in front of me but... MY NIECE LAURA AND HER SON, ALEX... WITH A DOZEN YELLOW ROSES FOR ME!

I was beyond thrilled and comPLETEly surprised! I wished I had a picture of what my amazingly delighted face must have looked like. They had spent the day driving up from Boca to come visit for my birthday weekend and I can't even TELL you how happy their visit made me. Want to spend every moment laughing and having the best f'ing fun of your life?? Boom. Totally hook up with these two. You'll adore them. Anyway....

Up above you see what 68 looks like in the Land of Linda. Granted... I may look way worse compared to some others my age but then again... I could maybe also look way better than some of them too, so basically... the choice is yours. Being 68 is no picnic, btw. Yes. I'm pretty healthy and surrounded with lots of love, family and friends. BUT just you wait. 

For you too, will see that all those commercials on TV for all kinds of  medical and/or body issues and realize eeks... they are pretty much pointed right smack in your direction. I don't want to get graphic here so suffice it to say: everything from dry eyes to viagra, and everything in between, so will become part of your 68 year old radar, for sure. Your ears will immediately perk up, believe me, as TV kindly mentions every medicine you should probably be discussing with your doctor. Don't ask. But... that's the bad news.

The good news is: 68 is also a fantastic time in life to sleep late, stay up late, eat whenever/whatever the fuck you want, take happy lazy walks not worrying about "working out", play with friends anytime or all the time, relish every nap you want and basically just kinda figure out how you want to kill time each and every day. You also get to collect money from Social Security... best invention known to man, btw... you get to enjoy whatever hobby/exercise you love best, you get to enjoy your kids without having to "raise" them anymore and best of all you now have way more knowledge/wisdom than more than half the people in the entire country.

Of course there still are 68 year old idiots, but at this age you now never really have to deal with them, thank God. Kinda like: you simply get to say right smack into their face... you're totally out of your mind, so F.Y. In fact, I love that I now allow myself to actually hate assholie people with no remorse whatsoever. It's a rite of passage if you ask me and a rite I've happily embraced.

Ooops. Wait. There is one thing that totally sucks: having no clue what the hell to do regarding all the electronic devices now cramming our lives. THAT part of being old is a MAJOR pain in the ass. Were I under 40 for instance, I would understand everything my tv remote, smart phone and tablet can do. And how to fix it whenever it fucks up. Case in point: When my WiFi was recently updated, the guy synced it to all my wireless devices. Including my iPad. Only one problem however. The iPad now wants to recognize the Wifi only sporadically and I have no clue whatsoever how to correct this. Call AT&T? Call Apple? Call the kid down the street? WHAT?? I even went into Wifi settings but believe you me... it was a total mystery thus I don't even want to get inVOLVED with that crap. I'm too damn old.

In the meantime, I do have to say that everyone who knows me apparently has me pegged, alright. MY GIFTS WERE GREAT. Some years they've been so-so but I do have to say... THIS year everyone put excellent thought into what I am all about hence I got everything from a Google Play gift card to a stunning oversized rose colored gold watch. But again... the best present I received was the visit from Laura and Alex. I'm kinda pissed I don't have any pictures of the three of us btw, but yippee... I do have a couple from my celebration which you can see down below. In closing... I have to confess: turning 68 has pretty much been very good to me, thank God. Afterall... for all I know things can totally go all down hill from here on in. DEAR GOD: PLEASE LET MY MANY MORE BIRTHDAYS YET TO COME... NOT SUCK. THANK YOU GOD. AMEN.

And yes... every year I totally take my birthday wish VERY seriously. I don't care how long it takes me to complete it; the others simply have to wait until I finish it to my complete satisfaction. Only THEN can we chow down on delicious cake and ice cream. Which afterall, if you really want to know... is naturally the REAL reason I love my birthdays.

             

MAY = BIRTHDAY

Total yippee. This is my birthday week. Am pretty stoked about it, too. Here I am 68 years old and life has been pretty damn good, if I say so myself. Am thrilled I'm apparently not kicking the bucket any time soon by having some horrible disease. I'm also thrilled I can pretty much buy myself any damn present I want. Well... within reason, that is. And I'm certainly thrilled that my life is filled with wonderful family and friends. And to top it off, I'm thrilled with my birthday plans tomorrow!

To kick off the celebration, I got a box of DEEElious chocolate covered strawberries from my kid today along with an ecard they also sent. These strawberries are my alltime favorite and they are HUGE, as Donald likes to say. I've already downed two of them and have only had them for about 2 hours. What I loved best about the ecard btw, is that my son included a picture of us on the front, each wearing red framed glasses. His he probably ditched a long time ago by now but mine have fallen off the face of the earth as of a year and a half ago. I'm still heartsick over it but whatever.

I've invited 17 of my favorite girlfriends for a Girl's Night Out party. We will first start off with a simple dinner at Claudia's house where I will totally love my birthday cake for dessert. You have no idea how much I look forward to birthday cake each and every year! We'll have a fabulous time chit chatting, eating, maybe even getting soused for all I know. Then afterwards we'll mozey on over to the playhouse, which is not far, for THE best evening of rock 'n roll. You see that picture up above?

That's the play we're all going to see... a musical tribute of these 4 men. Elvis, Jerry Lee Lewis, Johnny Cash and Carl Perkins. The reviews have been fanTAStic and I'm SO looking forward to seeing this production! I can tell already I'll be singing every word to every song right smack out loud, meaning I'll probably ruin the music for everyone around me but I don't give a shit. I'm going to have FUN... much like Cyndi Lauper wants me to. Besides... I'm pretty much already a material girl, kinda like Madonna so perfectly depicted in her excellent song. Boom. Put the two together and next thing you know I'll be in my Birthday Glory. Anyway...

I'm pretty sure I've already mentioned this years ago but on every birthday I always wear an outfit of my favorite color... white... and this year will be no different. Believe me... I am dying to wear pale pink, but on the day of my birthday it totally has to be white. I already know which outfit I'll be too, and I'm going to love wearing it. Thank GOD the temps will be in the mid 60s which reminds me... the entire month of May so far has been so damn delightful it's more than I could have ever asked for. Three nights ago I even had the heat on for an hour! DEAR GOD: PLEASE LET THE WEATHER STAY THIS COOL RIGHT SMACK UP TO SEPTEMBER. THANK YOU GOD. AMEN. Regardless...

All I know is that who the hell can even imagine what next May could bring me, so it's pretty important that I celebrate every birthday like there's no tomorrow. God forbid. Which brings me to my last point: OMG. I'M GOING TO BE 68 F'ING YEARS OLD. I am STUNNED. Besides neither Bob nor Linda ever REACHED their 60s so every year is pretty important to celebrate, if you ask me. And... if you're in good health. And btw... when I turn 70?? Holy shit... I'll freak but PLENTY. Unless of course I look utterly fantastic in which case then yippee.

I never freaked out when I turned 40, 50 or 60. But 70?? Jesus. Now THAT'S moving on in years, for sure. That'll give me what? Another 10 years before I'm gone from the face of the earth forever?? Maybe even less for all I know?? Holy Mother F. 

What I do know is that whenever I'm sitting in some wheelchair, dribbling from my mouth, needing someone to feed me my birthday cake then THAT my friend is totally the time to call Dr. Kevorkian. If I can't feed myself french fries, cake and lobster then who even needs to celebrate anymore? Besides... even Cyndi and Madonna are looking older nowadays which is way too bad. I'd love to stay this age forever. If only.   

OK... SO THAT HAPPENED...

Wow. So what'd ya know. We now have a pretty crazed candidate for the Republican nominee in 2016. Although I do have to admit, I saw this coming from the very beginning, when actually, all my friends cringed in disgust and disbelief when first I spoke of this possibility way back in June. They totally thought I was out of my mind. My sister even yelled at me for even imagining the people of our country would EVER consider such a lunatic candidate.

Well guess what everybody. F.U. Because last night Trump got the last laugh. The exact kind of laugh I got when I first saw this painting of Trump, on the internet this morning. In fact... I even laugh now... hours and hours later. I'll probably keep on laughing each and every time I see this. Oh man... what can one even say when they see this? Other than I assume his member will be one of those that grows yet not shows. 

To me... this is just so, so funny.

Needless to say this was painted, and is actually hanging in a gallery in London. Apparently it was done by an Australian artist name Illma Gore. She titled it: Make America Great Again and is a direct take on what Rubio said in maybe his last debate about Trump's small hands signaling Trump's probable small dork. I SO LOVE THIS!

Illma is not a Trump supporter but still... it hasn't been easy for her. She got her face pretty banged up by someone who wasn't happy with her political expression in art and unfortunately the guy hasn't been found yet. Which is too bad given no one deserves to be physically attacked like this.

Besides... it's not Illma's fault our country has lost it's mind. Although I don't really fully blame our citizens, either. WTF did the Republican Congressmen THINK would happen when you no longer govern nor pass laws to help the people in our country create a better life? What did they THINK would happen when they are so partisan that they refused to pass ANYthing our President put before them? What did they THINK would happen when they wouldn't even have discussions with Obama's Supreme Court Nominee? 

Let alone listen to the constituents and allow gays to marry or women to have access to Planned Parenthood services? Or veto everything that MAY have had a chance to attract new, young voters? I mean seriously... for the past 7½ months Congress has done NOTHING. Yet they got paid mighty fine.

Hence... Hello Donald. Which of course brings me right smack back to this painting. The artwork as a standalone totally shows that the artist has talent. She's captured Trump pretty damn well although only Melania can vouch for the accuracy of the small penis that is depicted in the painting. 

I must say too... that having seen plenty of naked 69 year old men... her depiction of the rest of his body is pretty spot on. The lean, firm bodies of their youth is for the most part, gone. Pretty much like my own, now that I think of it. Trust me... aging is not for the young. But their time will come. One day they too, will look at their naked body and go: EEEKS. WTF HAPPENED TO ME?? Regardless....

I love this painting and am thrilled it's gone viral. On the other hand... I can only hope that Trump does not go to the Men's room and choose the urinal next to this rapper guy down below. Candidate or not... he will SO be jealous.

  

IN MY GLORY

Forget about Gloria Steinem. Gloria Estefan, too. Even Gloria Swanson or Allred. The only Gloria that matters in my book is Gloria Vanderbilt! OMG. What a woman. Seriously.

I never wore her jeans but you can be sure I adored her since my early 30s. Wealth, fame, and influence has always been my favorite go to attributes and believe you me Gloria V. has them all. Way before all the others did, too. I can not beLIEVE she is now 92. Who said money can't help extend life?

It was about 35 years ago that I first read POOR LITTLE RICH GIRL. Maybe even longer. Man did I love her tragic story. And of course her rise to fame. Gloria Vanderbilt has suffered more than any 15 people I can think of and still and all, she has come out it with such grace, such beauty and such dignity. Besides.... she is one of the wealthiest women in America and that alone perks my ears up but plenty. Yes, I'm totally jealous. Not only that... her kid is Anderson Cooper!

In the meantime Gloria was but 10 years old when her mother (also named Gloria) and her aunt, Gertrude Vanderbilt Whitney went to court, both fighting for custody. Apparently Gloria Sr. was a very young run around, shall we say, when she married Reginald Vanderbilt who was way older. Boom. Shortly after the marriage Reggie died from chirrhosis  of the liver, given he was not only a playboy, huge gambler, etc. but also a major alcoholic. In Reggie's world, money grew on trees yet when he died he was totally penniless. Hence Gloria Sr. was screwed but good. Not only that... all the hordes of money that Reggie would have inherited did not pass to wife but instead to daughter... today's Gloria Vanderbilt.

I could go on and on about Gloria since I've read everything there is connected to her and in fact, I even saw her in person when she was on a book tour with her first book. Basically it all boils down to Gloria having had to withstand a horrible custody battle (her mother lost custody) a crap ass mother, several marriages, a beloved husband's death and then a tragic suicide of Anderson's brother, which Gloria actually witnessed. What impresses me the most btw, is that Gloria basically withstood this all without drugs and/or alcohol.

Instead she turned to writing, designing, painting and earning zillions of bucks on her own. But don't imagine Gloria came out of all this unscathed, however. She was in fact deeply affected by many things... thus she is terribly shy, even childlike at times. On the other hand... her many many paintings are BEAUTIFUL, showing her true talent yet even in those, you can often see some sort of muted, distanced figures in them. She married some mighty impressive men too, btw. In any case, she lives quite glamorously which naturally, is so up my alley. 

All I know is that Gloria is one hell of a woman... I would kill to become her friend. Which I guess would easily happen were I to ever befriend Anderson first. If only, right?? Okay... so that won't happen, damnit but still... Gloria is just so remarkable that she clearly lives on my list of alltime favorites along side Jackie O., Princess Diana and Tina. She may even have to move up to No. 1 now that I think of it since a.) she is oldest and b.) she has had to overcome odds even bigger than the others, which is no easy feat, trust me. 

NEWS FLASH: you SO have to watch Gloria's 2 hour special with Anderson btw... NOTHING LEFT UNSAID. So f'ing amazing. As we speak, I am reading Little Gloria and you can only imagine how much I'm loving each and every word in this book. Am also reading TransAtlantic btw, which is no comparison if you ask me. I am not enjoying Trans all that much but I'm stubborn... so will continue to finish it; but I won't like it. Anyway...

I do have to say that I find it astounding that given all of Gloria's money... PLENTY of it, I might add... she is not giving any of it to Anderson when she kicks the bucket. WHAT?? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? WTF IS THAT ALL ABOUT?? Granted, Anderson says he's totally fine with it since first he doesn't need a dime of it and second he feels that inheriting money definitely keeps one from developing a strong sense of working ethics.

I of course would slit my wrists were my parents to have had hundreds of millions of dollars and not left me a thing, but hey. That's just me. I LOVE inheriting easy money although Anderson does have a point. I AM the laziest person you'd ever want to meet but then again... were I on CNN's payroll and I had a show all my own, I'd be thrilled to bypass an inheritance in exchange for a huge television paycheck. Well, maybe. 

In the meantime, my recommendation for the day is to clearly learn more about the Vanderbilt family. Beginning with Gloria's Great Great Gramps... Cornelius "Commodore" Vanderbilt. Not only are the men in this lineage unbelievably amazing but whoa... the women are equally so! I have biographies on all the big players in this family, men and women, and I totally treasure them. I also adore Biltmore House btw, which is about a half hour away and I'm so telling you... this is SOME summer home that George Vanderbilt built, alright. You can't even imagine the opulence. 

I so would use this shot to claim as my own home. COMING TO TOWN? GREAT. COME VISIT ME! I'LL LEAVE THE LIGHT ON.

    


    

THE COVER STORY

Some things just don't need explanations. Kinda like the covers of the New Yorker Magazine... a mag that I've read since my early 20s. It began publication in 1925 and to this very day has had the most fantastic coverage of content. As in: reports, fictional stories, satire, reviews, commentaries, profiles, etc. etc. and best of all... pointed, ingenious cartoons. All of which is about current culture and naturally is centered around life in New York. Although don't be fooled. Zillions of people all over the country read this periodical and have done so since it's inception. Bottom line: this magazine is TOTALLY widely respected.  

In particular... the New Yorker is known for it's covers. FANTASTIC covers, I might add. Hence why I adore these covers given so many times, the depictions are so spot on let alone so damn creative, filled with incredible humor. Not to mention: just plain brilliant. They just don't need explanation. One look at the cover and boom. You get it. 

BTW... up above you see the cover of the very first publication. Sooo New York-ish for way back then. Anyway...

The New Yorker is also know for it's hilariously funny cartoons. In fact, throughout the years, I have often given the hard covered editions of collections of these cartoons for gifts. I think they publish the cartoon albums in 25 year increments and you can spend hours just skimming through these books, laughing your ass off, thinking: how DO these people come up with such great humor? The inherent wit holds up year after year. Regardless...


Today's entry needs very little words; besides I could go on and on about these covers. Instead, I'll just show you some of the magazine's greatest recent ones and hopefully you too, will see how exceptional the creative aspect of them are. I love Kim Jong-un's the best I think. However... they're all totally great! See if you too, get a chuckle. If you don't... then what can I say? It's time to come out of your cave.

DEFENSE OF MARRIAGE ACT

(I of course adore all three)

OBAMA CARE

TOTALLY SCARY

TIME MARCHES ON

COVER SAYS IT ALL

NEVER MEANT TO CAUSE YOU SORROW...

THE FIRST CARTOON COLLECTION

    

JOB WELL DONE

I totally have to give myself credit. As I've mentioned before... ever since the Pantone Color Institute announced that Rose Quartz was their color of the year, I have made it my full time job to be sure I secured every fashion garment known to man and in my size, to create a wardrobe of the the most stunning pale pinks ever. I looked in stores, I looked online, I looked everywhere... and as of today... I have to completely pat myself on the back. Yippee. Mission finally completed!! And I am thrilled to no end.

I now have a fantastic wardrobe of beautiful pink slacks, tops, cardigan dusters, sweaters, crop pants, accessories, skirts, gaucho pants, etc. etc. You name it, I bought it and thus added it to my zillions of other pieces of clothing. In every thing from casual to dressy, from winter weight to summer weight, from cheapie costs to pricey bucks... and everything in between. Some people create art work or music or gardens. I create a major personal wardrobe. And frankly.... I just couldn't be happier.

My extensive search pretty much ended the other day however (I hope) with a delivery from Neiman Marcus where I found in their online Last Call department the most stunning pink cashmere dress/tunic you ever saw. The shade of pink is THE perfect color and I was delighted not only to have received it but also to have worn it the other night to the MOST fantastic two hour show of Elvis' best songs EVER. I swear to God... the guy was almost better than Elvis himself! I didn't even have to die to go to heaven.... I WAS in heaven right smack there in the theater. But.... I digress. 

How much money I may have spent on all these lovely pale pink clothing items, I have no clue. But I couldn't care less because the bottom line is: once this year is kaput, that will totally be it for Rose Quartz selections. A new color of the year will enter in 2017 and boom. My chance to load up on my favorite color... other than white... will gone forever. Oh yeah... I also loaded up on some simply gorgeous pale blues, too.

Which has all come about just in time for Spring. So far the weather this Spring has been outstanding and you can so be sure I'm wearing my pale mints, pale pinks and pale blues like there's no tomorrow. Well except for tonight that is, given I'm headed to a catered barbeque and I wouldn't dare take a chance of spilling only God knows what in the lap of my pretty pastels. I mean I'm pretty good at laundering stains but seriously. Barbeque sauce on pink? Totally can't be a good thing.

What IS a good thing, btw, is the fact that after two weeks on Prednisone for my lower back, my feet are FINALLY coming back to normal size. Oh man. I can't beLIEVE the swelling I was dealing with last week. It was so freaky. I totally love my ankles and yet for  the past week they were triple the size! Let alone the withdrawals I was having from the drug. Jesus. I felt like I was coming down from coke or something. VERY weird. 

On the other hand, I LOVED the speed that must be in the med for I am telling you... like I think I've mentioned in another post... I got more chores done in 2 weeks than in the past 12 months! It was soooo fantastic. Granted, the 4 day crash from it all was not pleasant at all, but hey, was totally worth it given I checked HORDES off items off my To Do list. In the meantime....

I'm going to see Amy Schumer this weekend... yippee!... and I'm pretty sure I'll be wearing pink. Which reminds me of that Pink Moon picture you see up above. Despite the color, the moon doesn't actually turn pink, but regardless, the American Indians... may moons ago... decided to call the April full moon the Pink Moon in honor of the pink flowers that grow during Spring. 

And I can totally vouch for that. You should SEE the stunning magenta pink rhododendron blooms I now have on the plants in my front garden. OMG. Soooo beautiful and totally pink. The exact pink, btw, that I DON'T want in my clothing. Way too intense in the color dept. if you ask me. For outdoors? Fantastic. For my wardrobe? Uh... no thanks. On the other hand if it's good enough for God, maybe it should be good for me. But I'm totally not sold on it yet. Here. Check out the blooms for yourself. Outstanding, right??

OMG. I'M IN TOTAL SHOCK. I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

Just as I typed that line about not being good for my wardrobe, I happened to look down and lo and behold you won't beLIEVE what color pink is in the top I'm wearing, as we speak!! I have on a great white tunic with lots of pale pink geometric flowers printed on it... ALL OUTLINED IN THE EXACT DEEP MAGENTA PINK THAT MATCH THE RHODODENDRONS THAT ARE IN THE GARDEN. Wow. I had NO clue I had that deep pink color in my closet let alone currently on my body. Man. That's so nuts especially since I love this top and wear it often. Jesus. Yet again... what a jerk I am.


In the meantime I've major binged, listening to Purple Rain a zillion times already. Sooo f'ing great. 

BAPTISTS' GOT TALENT

Oh man... I so can't believe what happened when I woke up a couple of Sundays ago. Well... the second time I woke up, anyway. 

I first got up about 8:30 and puttered around until CBS SUNDAY MORNING came on TV, which btw just possibly COULD be the best show on the airways, but whatever. I then got back into bed to watch it at 9:00, and the next thing I know, I'm back fast asleep until 12:15, with the TV still on. I know. I'm blessed that way. Regardless... as I awakened once again, eyes still closed, I heard on television this incredible singing from an incredible chorus and I couldn't iMAGine what the hell it was all about.

Turns out: I was listening to this AMAZING choir, made up of zillions of people on stage, from the First Baptist Church of Spartanburg... a city about an hour away from me. And lo and behold this choir was singing their pretty little religious hearts out to praise God like all get out. Regular people from the congregation no less. I could not believe my eyes nor my ears. The voices flabbergasted me and I swear to God... no pun intended... they so could be on America's Got Talent. And, they could actually WIN. The soloists were fantastic and together with the orchestra and backup chorus, boom. These people are going straight to heaven for SURE. Some songs were totally rockin' it. Some were were mellow. All were praising God like nothing I've ever seen before. Big overhead screens, major musical and/or speaker set ups, astounding soloists and a really talented choir.

It was crazy because I was totally MESMERIZED by these people. I sat up in bed, not able to move, and watched for at least 25 minutes, thinking any day now I could easily become a Baptist myself. I can't even tell you how huge the sanctuary was! Plus, I almost feel as if one Sunday I've totally got to take a ride to this place and check it out in person. This could even almost certainly become a tourist stop for anyone who comes to visit me. 

GUESS WHAT WE'RE DOING TODAY? WE'RE GOING TO CHURCH! TO HEAR AN INCREDIBLE RELIGIOUS CONCERT! DON'T WORRY... GOD WILL BLESS US FOR LISTENING. BESIDES, YOU'LL LOVE THE SERMON. Then of course we'll go have some bagels, lox and cream cheese afterwards. Even some cherry cheesecake. Or maybe some matzah ball soup, for all I know. Anyway...

What struck me even more was the fact 1.) no one on stage was wearing a choral robe 2.) everyone could sway anyway the music moved them and most importantly... 3.) everyone was 40 years or older!! As in: up to the age of 75, for sure. Major blue haired seniors SO rocking it for God! I am so telling you... this church choir, singing all kinds of praises to God, had me but good. I couldn't move. As I said... I was so damn focused on this deal it was almost embarrassing.  

Now I do have to say that in my tiny little city, Baptist churches are a dime a dozen. I don't get it but man... they fill each and every one of these churches every Sunday . Don't even go near one at 11:00 on a Sunday morning for you'll be embroiled in a traffic jam as if you were on an L.A. freeway. It's nuts. Where everyone lives, I have no idea for my town isn't even that big. I also have to say... Baptists are notorious for being some mighty religiously and morally strict people. Dancing, swearing and drinking are pretty much taboo. Add to that a SOUTHERN Baptist and whoa. You totally have squeaky clean and lily white followers. HUH? PORN?? WHAT'S THAT??

Therefore suffice it to say, they'd want ME in their midst for all of about 10 minutes and then bingo. They'd send me on my way but FAST. Trust me... Dr. Don Wilton, the pastor of the Spartanburg church, would totally cringe were we chitchatting it up at some cocktail party, let's say. Oops. I forgot... no liquor allowed, so it'd have to be a coketail party at best. My political views alone, would put the pastor into a frenzy, I am sure. Recreational drugs and premarital sex could make him drop to the floor altogether. Although I do love listening to him speak given he comes from South Africa and I must admit his voice/accent is kinda catchy alright.  

It matters not however since basically while I'd love to see this BLUE HAIR CHOIR OF N.C. in person, I just have to watch it on TV. I could never be up and out in time to make an hour's trip to see this Baptist church in person. Besides... were I to begin attending on a weekly basis  I'll so have to switch up my religious affiliation and I definitely am not into that. I love to dance, swear, drink cocktails, watch racy movies and vote liberal too much. So not what Baptists are into.

An even better reason for not seeing this choir in person... regardless of HOW much singing talent they have... is the fact WHO THE HELL WANTS TO GET UP FOR A 9:00 OR 10:00 SERVICE ON A SUNDAY MORNING, ANYWAY?? What time do these people go to bed on a Saturday night?? 10:00 p.m?? Frankly... I can hardly even be ready for breakfast by 11:00 at a restaurant a mere ten minutes away, even. So much for my becoming a religious zealot in the Southern Baptist Church, I guess. Speaking of which...

Let me just close with this simply delicious tidbit about a REAL religious zealot... Ted Cruz. I so pray (no pun intended) this turns out to be true. It's right smack up my alley alright. Check it out and then hopefully we can give Ted the boot once and for all.
Hello Heidi ?? Sitting down??