Wednesday, April 27, 2016

BAPTISTS' GOT TALENT


Oh man... I so can't believe what happened when I woke up a couple of Sundays ago. Well... the second time I woke up, anyway. 

I first got up about 8:30 and puttered around until CBS SUNDAY MORNING came on TV, which btw just possibly COULD be the best show on the airways, but whatever. I then got back into bed to watch it at 9:00, and the next thing I know, I'm back fast asleep until 12:15, with the TV still on. I know. I'm blessed that way. Regardless... as I awakened once again, eyes still closed, I heard on television this incredible singing from an incredible chorus and I couldn't iMAGine what the hell it was all about.

Turns out: I was listening to this AMAZING choir, made up of zillions of people on stage, from the First Baptist Church of Spartanburg... a city about an hour away from me. And lo and behold this choir was singing their pretty little religious hearts out to praise God like all get out. Regular people from the congregation no less. I could not believe my eyes nor my ears. The voices flabbergasted me and I swear to God... no pun intended... they so could be on America's Got Talent. And, they could actually WIN. The soloists were fantastic and together with the orchestra and backup chorus, boom. These people are going straight to heaven for SURE. Some songs were totally rockin' it. Some were were mellow. All were praising God like nothing I've ever seen before. Big overhead screens, major musical and/or speaker set ups, astounding soloists and a really talented choir.

It was crazy because I was totally MESMERIZED by these people. I sat up in bed, not able to move, and watched for at least 25 minutes, thinking any day now I could easily become a Baptist myself. I can't even tell you how huge the sanctuary was! Plus, I almost feel as if one Sunday I've totally got to take a ride to this place and check it out in person. This could even almost certainly become a tourist stop for anyone who comes to visit me. 

GUESS WHAT WE'RE DOING TODAY? WE'RE GOING TO CHURCH! TO HEAR AN INCREDIBLE RELIGIOUS CONCERT! DON'T WORRY... GOD WILL BLESS US FOR LISTENING. BESIDES, YOU'LL LOVE THE SERMON. Then of course we'll go have some bagels, lox and cream cheese afterwards. Even some cherry cheesecake. Or maybe some matzah ball soup, for all I know. Anyway...

What struck me even more was the fact 1.) no one on stage was wearing a choral robe 2.) everyone could sway anyway the music moved them and most importantly... 3.) everyone was 40 years or older!! As in: up to the age of 75, for sure. Major blue haired seniors SO rocking it for God! I am so telling you... this church choir, singing all kinds of praises to God, had me but good. I couldn't move. As I said... I was so damn focused on this deal it was almost embarrassing.  

Now I do have to say that in my tiny little city, Baptist churches are a dime a dozen. I don't get it but man... they fill each and every one of these churches every Sunday . Don't even go near one at 11:00 on a Sunday morning for you'll be embroiled in a traffic jam as if you were on an L.A. freeway. It's nuts. Where everyone lives, I have no idea for my town isn't even that big. I also have to say... Baptists are notorious for being some mighty religiously and morally strict people. Dancing, swearing and drinking are pretty much taboo. Add to that a SOUTHERN Baptist and whoa. You totally have squeaky clean and lily white followers. HUH? PORN?? WHAT'S THAT??

Therefore suffice it to say, they'd want ME in their midst for all of about 10 minutes and then bingo. They'd send me on my way but FAST. Trust me... Dr. Don Wilton, the pastor of the Spartanburg church, would totally cringe were we chitchatting it up at some cocktail party, let's say. Oops. I forgot... no liquor allowed, so it'd have to be a coketail party at best. My political views alone, would put the pastor into a frenzy, I am sure. Recreational drugs and premarital sex could make him drop to the floor altogether. Although I do love listening to him speak given he comes from South Africa and I must admit his voice/accent is kinda catchy alright.  

It matters not however since basically while I'd love to see this BLUE HAIR CHOIR OF N.C. in person, I just have to watch it on TV. I could never be up and out in time to make an hour's trip to see this Baptist church in person. Besides... were I to begin attending on a weekly basis  I'll so have to switch up my religious affiliation and I definitely am not into that. I love to dance, swear, drink cocktails, watch racy movies and vote liberal too much. So not what Baptists are into.

An even better reason for not seeing this choir in person... regardless of HOW much singing talent they have... is the fact WHO THE HELL WANTS TO GET UP FOR A 9:00 OR 10:00 SERVICE ON A SUNDAY MORNING, ANYWAY?? What time do these people go to bed on a Saturday night?? 10:00 p.m?? Frankly... I can hardly even be ready for breakfast by 11:00 at a restaurant a mere ten minutes away, even. So much for my becoming a religious zealot in the Southern Baptist Church, I guess. Speaking of which...

Let me just close with this simply delicious tidbit about a REAL religious zealot... Ted Cruz. I so pray (no pun intended) this turns out to be true. It's right smack up my alley alright. Check it out and then hopefully we can give Ted the boot once and for all.
Hello Heidi ?? Sitting down?? 
    



  

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