WELCOME ONE AND ALL!

Yay!! I can have friends over once again! Without having to feel as if they are entering a Granny house, too! I am totally thrilled about it. So is my kid since he's the one who first told me about four years ago that we can't ever have people over again given my purchase of a new sofa. In the STORE it looked great. But once I got it home OOPS. Coupled with the two new recliners, all of a sudden I had a Granny type looking family room.

Well... that's all changed now, thank goodness. Ever since I got the new sofa, I had put off a pretty important chore: buy a new rug for under the table and make things look more modern. For a LONG time, I had a color blocked rug with pretty intense colors. Colors that with the new furniture, made everything look sorta dated and crappy. So.... last week I decided to bite the bullet and begin a search for a new sort of monochromatic rug that would work with my furniture.

That's it in the picture up above. Granted, the picture was taken at night, without natural light, so the hue of everything is kinda off. But in real life, it really DOES look like it all belongs together. Regardless, you get the idea, anyway. So... here's how I pulled this off.

First I went to a local store and looked through all their hordes of rugs. No cigar. Then I came home, went online and began searching stores that I figured might have something I'd like. Again, no cigar. Then I decided to just Google ROUND RUGS and whammo. First place that came up was like a RUGS R US type place. Boom. I clicked on it.

The drop down menu had a category called CONTEMPORARY which I figured might work. I clicked on it. One of the first things I saw was this tone on tone type rug in my picture and decided... hmmm.... I think this could work. So I called the place which happened to be in South Carolina. Jeni answered the phone was maybe the most helpful salesperson EVER. She tells me: 1.) it's 50% off 2.) today is Thursday so we can send it out to you tomorrow 3.) you'll get it the day after that 4.) no shipping or handling costs and 5.) if you don't like it, send it back with no charge at all.

REALLY?? TALK ABOUT PAIN FREE SHOPPING. Man. Was I ever thrilled. In the meantime, just as Jeni promised, the rug arrived in like a day and a half and it took me no time at all to switch out rugs and in a flash I LOVED MY NEW THROW RUG. It totally switched up the Granny looking family room to a WAY more contemporary feel! I couldn't believe it. I never saw this in person. I never handled the fabric in person. And I never scrutinized the color lot in person. BUT YOU'D THINK I DID.

BTW... as soon as the rug arrived, I invited some friends to come over on the pretense of having drinks and appetizers. Little did they know that as soon as they walked in I had to tell the men: OH YEAH. I LIED. I DIDN'T REALLY ASK YOU OVER JUST FOR FUN. FIRST, I NEED YOU TO SWITCH OUT MY RUGS SINCE THE GLASS ON THE TABLE IS TOO HEAVY FOR ME TO LIFT BY MYSELF. THANKS. DO THAT AND THEN I'll get to entertaining part. THANKS! Which naturally I did, so we could all then sit and admire my new online purchase. I know... major hidden agenda on my part, right? Yeah, but in the meantime I got rave reviews.

I then quickly took a picture of it so I could text it to my kid telling him: YIPPEE! We can now have people over again! We don't have a Granny looking home anymore! We've finally gotten a new rug! Which he was totally thrilled to hear btw, given he just may wind up calling this HIS home someday.


In the meantime, I couldn't be happier. I love Jeni. I love my new rug. And I love knowing I am not a Granny any longer. The room now has a WAY more modern feel to it and believe me... I'm nothing if not in tune with the times.

POPCORN TO POPSICLES

For some crazy reason, my body is taking over my recent food choices. Case in point: after several years of dining several times a week on chicken and salmon, one day about five months ago... my body simply rebelled. NO MORE OF THAT HEALTHY CRAP, PLEASE. I NEED HARD CORE MEAT ONCE AGAIN!! AND A LOT OF IT, TOO!

So.... starting last January, for three months straight, I ate and/or made every kind of meat possible. From pot roast (my alltime favorite) to beef ribs to steaks to hamburgers. From roast beef sandwiches to kosher hotdogs to skirt steak. (also my favorite)  My cravings were absolutely for carnivorous foods only. Name the beef, I ate it. And with plenty of delight too, I might add. I'm actually still into that particular addiction as we speak.

Then, in addition to the chicken/salmon rebellion... for some inexplicable reason... my body also decided to rebel against my late night addiction to popcorn. THAT'S IT. GET RID OF THAT CRAPPY TASTING POPCORN AND MOVE ONTO SOMETHING HALFWAY DECENT. EVEN IF IT'S BAD. JUST MOVE ON. So bingo. I did.

It all began with the beginning of summer which is not only my least favorite season... that's an understatement at best... but a season which I just simply detest. The heat of summer puts me in a crap ass mood and I just want to sit in my house and veg out for 12 long weeks until autumn arrives. Which btw is the only saving grace of enduring the summer.

That said... to help me make through the summer months, one day in June I decided to buy a box of sugar free Popsicles. Big mistake. I needed THREE  boxes. Who the hell knew I would become SO addicted to these most delicious treats ever. And that I would eat four of them about 4 o'clock every afternoon and then 4 more before bedtime! THEY ARE FANTASTIC! And... they cool you down in no time at all. Oh yeah. Thank God I bought the 20 pack box. 

Bear in mind that when I say 4... I really mean 2. Because unlike when I grew up, when Popsicles came 2 sticks attached to each other, nowadays they come in mere halfsies. As in: individual sticks. But trust me... I am eating way more in a sitting than anyone other than a sumo wrestler should be having. But... I CAN'T HELP IT. THEY ARE SO DELICIOUS I TOTALLY NEED A NICE HEFTY HELPING TO QUENCH MY APPARENT RIDICULOUS CRAVINGS. Honestly... I should be a spokesperson for this company or something.

What I love most are the cherry, grape and maybe the pineapple flavors. But for the pineapple, you have to buy the sugar free TROPICAL Popsicle box. Which naturally I did. I am so telling you... my freezer looks like I'm the Good Humor man readying his stash for the next business day. Believe me... I'd love to go around the neighborhood selling these deals to the kids. The higher cost I would charge for each one, could easily off set the monies I am spending on my OWN consumption.

The best news btw is: they have only 15 calories each, I think. No sugar, no carbs, no whatever else and of course... no nutrition. But who's counting. They DO have however, the best flavor ever and the ability to bring down your body temp in a heartbeat. Until I'm like almost freezing inside, actually. WARNING: try to turn up the a.c. thermostat before you down 4 of these. You'll be glad you did.

Anyway... just how long this new twice daily addiction will be in play, I can't tell you. But I am so going to enjoy this ride til my body begins craving something else entirely. I suspect once the afternoon temps stay in the mid 70s let's say... I'll have to consider some OTHER addiction, I think. 

Which is going to be interesting. I love listening to my body and I'm pretty tuned into it so I'm kinda eager to hear what it's going to tell me next. On the other hand... if my body decides to crave things like daily chocolate layer cake or bowls of rocky road ice cream OOPS. I'll be in way big trouble!


Dear God... please let me become to addicted to sliced granny smith apples next time. Or maybe even raisins. Thank you God. Amen. 

LOVE GONE WRONG

Oh man... I just can't believe it. All my sweet, childhood dreams of romantic love have suddenly all been shot to hell and I'm heartbroken. Dreams that I've loved and enjoyed for over 50 years. It happened last night and I have no clue when I'll be able to actually wrap my head around it all. IT'S CRUSHING.

As many of you may know... I have been enamored with everything Royal ever since I was a 16 year old in high school. It began with a book that I got from my school library all about the Duke of Windsor having given up his throne for the love of a woman. That particular woman being: Wallis Simpson, a twice divorced American, heavy into social climbing. A woman that the British people would never never ever allow to become Queen, let alone even consort to King Edward VIII. Which btw, he never became and is the total reason why we even have Queen Elizabeth II today. Anyway...

Turns out the British needn't have worried for rather than give up Wallis, Edward decided to give up becoming King. Whoa. Now THERE'S a love story if ever there was and I fell for it hook, line and sinker as only a teen aged love struck school girl possibly could. Besides... I was in the throes of my very first true love myself so what can I say. It was just oh so romantic for a girl ruled by her heart and I was a sucker for it all.

And... ever since then, I've thrillingly adored every single word I've ever read about the English monarchy from that day forward. Thus, I've read PLENTY, you can be sure. Then last night... THE FANTASTICAL ROMANCE AND TRUE LOVE BETWEEN EDWARD AND WALLIS CAME TO A CRUSHING HALT FOR ME. To say that I've not been the same since is an UNDERstatement at best.

Granted. Wallis has had HORRIBLE press ever since this love story first came to be known. The Brits hated her. The royal family hated her. The newspapers hated her. The government hated her. HORDES of people hated her. Why? Easy. She was the supposed slut who stole the King from his people. Except: NEWS FLASH:

Come to find out however, WALLIS WANTED TO GIVE UP THE YET TO BE CROWNED KING ALTOGETHER!!! SHE APPARENTLY DIDN'T REALLY LOVE HIM AFTERALL!!

WHAT THE FUCK?? Hoax I say. HOAX! But... alas, the last laugh is on me.

Turns out: as long as he was Prince, Wallis was having a ball. Imagining she'd have to be at his side while King... uh... thanks but no thanks. Apparently Wallis never loved him all THAT much, afterall!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? THE ROMANCE DIDN'T MEAN ALL THAT MUCH TO HER AFTER ALL THE HISTORICAL SHENANIGANS OF ALMOST DESTROYING THE ENTIRE MONARCHY?? Oh my God. WHO THE HELL KNEW??

Certainly not Edward, I'll tell you that. Besides, he had SUCH an obsessed love for Wallis he wouldn't HEAR of her not marrying him and next thing you know... in spite of her saying I'm not really so sure anymore that I want to go through with this... she found herself way too deep into everything, that she basically HAD to marry Edward. Oh man... what a reversal of the greatest love story ever!! Perfect example of: be careful what you wish for! Man... talk about an explosive shock to my romantic system.

So how do I now know all this intriguing new information?? Because lo and behold on PBS last night, I saw a special broadcast showing the actual letters Wallis Simpson had written during this entire historical crisis. Love letters no less, and guess what? THEY WEREN'T TO EDWARD.

Instead they were to MR. SIMPSON who coincidentally Wallis was... with deep regret, come to find out... divorcing at the moment! 

It would take too long to spell out all the details here but suffice it to say yes, both Mr. and Mrs. Simpson moved on to marry others BUT they also had very very tender feelings for each other in 1936. Had the Duke of Windsor known this he would have freaked, I am sure, But nonetheless, I am also sure he'd have married Wallis regardless. Edward's frightening obsessive adoration for the love of his life would have left him no other choice. The man was weirdly, completely, eccentrically, addicted to this woman until the day he died.

Which brings me to the bottom line: Talk about love going all wrong! Oh... it was fine for the Duke but for the rest of the Duchess' life, she sorta treated Edward like crapola. And the more she did, the more he catered to her each and every whim. Go figure.

All I know is that the Duke of Windsor must be rolling over in his grave today given the fact that Prince Charles actually MARRIED his mistress... Camilla. To hell with the Church of England. To hell with the fact that Camilla was also a divorced woman. Let alone the downfall of poor Diana's marriage. Plus... after all the hoopla about Edward wanting Wallis to have a title of Her Royal Highness, turns out there is a good possibility that Camilla could even become a titled Queen. EEEKS. Whether or not she ever WILL become Queen is up for grabs. Half the Kingdom says absolutely not while the other half says OK... what the hell. It's 2014 now. 


Which means: it's almost a totally good thing the Duke of Windsor has already kicked the bucket. Were he to know just how far the British Monarchy and the British people have come since his abdication over Wallis and her title, I can guarantee you... he'd kick the bucket in seconds flat all over again. 

As for me... oh I may be crushed alright but I'll still never give up on authentic true love. It's in my blood. In blue blood, too.

LIVE LIKE A QUEEN

Ahh... if only. For there is definitely something to living life as a royal. You get so many choices and better yet, you get to request that your staff carry out almost any wish that may pop into your head. Including times you might feel like you just want to take a time out from the rest of the world. Kinda like Greta Garbo: I VANT TO BE ALONE. Geez... now THAT'S something I could easily learn to live with.

Being that I am NOT royal however, means that I sort of have to roll with the punches and deal with all sorts of intrusions any time, day or night. Without anyone filtering them for me, either. Could be the phone. Could be friends dropping in at the last minute. Could be text messages. Could be ANYthing. Unless of course...

People would just please obey THIS SIGN! For a variety of reasons, it just knocks my socks off. The fact that I could hang this regal sign up and then know that I've got peace and quiet any time I want, is just fantastic if you ask me. And... to imagine that it is a Queen's directive is all the better.

I got this sign as a birthday present last May. I fell in love with it immediately! First of all... it's a LARGE sign. Second of all, it's a royal command. Third of all, it touts authority. And forth of all, I should only BE so lucky as have people obey my wishes. You're a pain the ass, for example? Perfect... I will NOT be listening to you! You're full of crap? No problem. I will NOT be talking to you, either. You're God forbid lying to me? I have no need for you whatsoever. You get the picture... you simply may not have an audience. End of discussion.

What really gets me however is that this gift was purchased for me way before my birthday! Someone saw it. Someone thought of me. Boom. Someone bought it for me. Knowing of course, I'd be having a birthday in a few months. Talk about knowing your target audience. I opened this gift while sitting out on their deck, sipping wine and then whammo. I jumped for joy when I saw it! How absolutely perfect was this for me! I just loved it.

As I love it today. What's even better is that if I DO want to hang with you then yippee. No problem. All I have to do is remove the inner NOT part of the sign and boom. You're granted my full attention.


Frankly... I think it's a perfect way for a couple to give a heads' up for their romantic intentions for the evening, btw. As in: no need to guess what the likelihood of your scoring may be that particular night. The Queen is accepting an audience? Bingo. You're good to go. She is not... oops. Try again tomorrow night. Actually now that I think about it... I can probably think of a zillion ways this sign can come in pretty handy. Just another perk of living like a Queen. Ahh... if only.  

PATIENCE PAYS OFF

I am not normally a particularly patient woman. I hate waiting. For almost everything. Make me wait too long on line, for my order to appear at the table or be backed up in traffic and I could EASily become one mighty unhappy woman. On the other hand, maybe there IS something to the old saying: GOOD THINGS COME TO THOSE WHO WAIT. In this case, I waited about at least year and a half.

See that ring on my finger up above? It's one of my alltime favorite rings that I wear pretty much every day. Well... I DID wear it everyday until one day BOOM. IT DISAPPEARED FROM THE FACE OF THE EARTH. Teresa and I have been looking for it everywhere, for way over a year. REALly looking for it, too! And alas... to no avail, damnit. So basically... I just got used to the idea the ring was kaput and one day when I kick the bucket, my kid will clear everything out of my house and then HE'LL find it.

Then the other day... what should occur but... as I was taking a plastic bag out of my bathroom closet, I found a bag from a department store here in town and GUESS WHAT. I found the ring!!! I was in absolute utter shock and happy amazement. THIS is where the ring has been hiding all this time!! YIPPEE. I CAN WEAR IT AGAIN! I couldn't WAIT to tell Teresa which I showed her as soon as I saw her yesterday. She was as stunned as I was, believe you me. And, just as thrilled. It was like a major miracle occurred for me!

I am assuming what must have happened was: I was at the department store, bought a ring one day, took off this black one, put it in my bag, and whammo. Wore the NEW ring home. Naturally once I got home, I emptied the bag of my purchases, absolutely not realizing the ring was left, still at the bottom of the bag. I put the plastic bag away and next thing you know... I've lost my favorite black ring for ever and ever.

Well... for almost two years, anyway. The lost ring broke my heart, but I must admit, I did have about 50 other fashion ring choices in my jewelry case to help ease the pain. You can check them out in picture down below. Of course I also have other "fine" jewelry rings but those are kept in a different place altogether.  

It's sorta hard for me to decide which my actual favorite is: rings, bracelets or earrings. Given I lost my dearly treasured initial necklace a couple of years ago, I am now somewhat numbed about necklaces but whatever. I guess if I HAD to choose... hmmm.... I suppose I'd have to say rings are my true favorite pieces of jewelry. Kinda like Queen Victoria who trust me... had definite JEWELS. The fact rings have now become huge oversized statement pieces and often filled with plenty of bling is simply icing on the cake for me. Definitely up my alley!


I happen to think that along with shoes... a woman can simply never have too many jewels. You just never know what mood will strike you as you dress each day, thus you basically need to have huge selections to help match mood. Let alone the outfit. Lucky for me however, I not only have plenty of shoes but also... plenty of jewelry, too. ESPECIALLY my favorite black ring once again. Thank you God for making me smile. Amen.

I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M STILL ALIVE

Because trust me... I totally wanted to die for I just can't beLIEVE how sick I've been, off and on, since May. And as of a week ago, I thought I was pretty much on my last legs. This is the craziest story ever.

So as it happens... ever since May I have been to the doctors umpteen times. My sinuses were infected, my allergies were knocking me out, my breathing was difficult, the coughing alone was this far from doing me in. God only KNOWS what else was going on. 

I had even been to two doctors about five times in total in the past eight weeks, I'll bet. Not counting the trip to Urgent Care one Sunday morning about a couple of weeks ago. I was on all kinds of meds, inhalers and treatments and although I was perfectly fine in Miami, before and after the trip I was simply miserable and oh so sick.

In fact, I was all prepared to go my son's graduation at the end of this month and then immediately high tail it to some sort of specialist after my return, so they could run major tests on me given I was SURE I was sporting some sort of deadly disease. Besides... I've been losing weight out of the blue and the other day I even decided that once I got the bad news of something really bad going on with me... I was not even going to put myself through hard ass treatments and instead would just call it a day without prolonging things.

On the other hand however... today, FINALLY... I think I'm going to be okay afterall which means I can probably forego the horrible diagnosis and/or treatments. Hallefuckinglujah. So what's the secret to my recovery after these past two and a half months? Oh man.. you'll so never believe it.

It began with Ollie and I being out on my deck late last week and he had his paws up upon my knees while we were chit chatting as I was petting his face, etc. Then... when he got down, I noticed there were a couple of dog hairs on my skirt, so I whisked them away and then, right then and there BINGO.

I HAD AN EPIPHANY. A LIGHT WENT OFF IN MY HEAD. I FIGURED IT OUT!! FINALLY I KNEW WHY I WAS ON THE BRINK OF DEATH ALL THESE WEEKS.

Sitting down?? I WAS ALLERGIC TO OLLIE!! His fur. His dander. His EVERYthing! OMG. I've been trying to get well all this time yet it was all for naught since the dog was making me... what else... SICK AS A DOG!! I was STUNNED at my realization. I could not beLIEVE what was going on; how I didn't even figure it out earlier, I'll never know. IT WAS A NO BRAINER.

Which only means: Ollie was in fact the best alltime pet ever BUT... not so fantastic that I was willing to die for him. I simply had to wrap my head around everything and then I just had to face the music: Ollie had to go. I just couldn't live like that anymore. Bottom line??

I am sad to say... Ollie is now back at the Humane Society where I pray some really nice family will adopt him all over again. I felt horrible about having to do this, for I am sure I fucked him up but plenty by his being given up by his first owner, then living at the Humane Society, then living at home with me, then whammo. Bringing him back to the Humane Society all over again. But I just had no choice. I can't die for a dog.

So the moral of this story: GUESS WHAT? I'M ALIVE ONCE AGAIN! I CAN BREATH ONCE AGAIN. MY SINUSES ARE NON INFECTED ONCE AGAIN. I AM COUGH FREE ONCE AGAIN. And... I AM MED FREE ONCE AGAIN, TOO. The difference in my health is like night and day. Even Teresa said this morning she can't get over how much better I look and sound! Granted... I weigh less now than I have in the past five years so for all I know maybe I AM suffering from some sort of ridiculous disease. Although I'm not as convinced as I surely was before I returned Ollie.


In the meantime... yes returning Ollie was a difficult decision to make but man am I thrilled to be alive again. And hopefully... disease free. I will say this however. If I lose another five pounds lets say, then for sure I'm running to some sort of specialist afterall. I'll feel terrific true, but seriously... since when does weight just decide to fall off of me? Uh... think: never! Dear God... please take good care of Ollie and oh yeah. Thanks for taking good care of me, too. Amen. 

MY FAVORITE SOCIAL MEDIA

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I know. Social media today normally refers to information shared over networks either virtually or digitally. I myself decided however, that in the olden days, social media was probably done best via the television, telephone or even the U.S. Mail... all of which I still use in today's world regardless of the digital age. And yesterday... I discovered that the U.S. Mail may well be my alltime favorite way of sharing information. Why? Easy. Because get this...

Today who should I get a letter from but the Social Security Administration and believe you me, I was tickled pink from the information they shared with me. No. Wait. A better way to describe it is: I WAS ECSTATIC. Who the F knew??

First of all I must say I totally love Social Security. In fact, combine that with Medicare and I'm in hog's heaven. These two organizations totally make being in your mid 60s a major treat. And today I have to say that it became an even better treat!

All I know is that today I very innocently opened two letters from the Social Security Administration and guess what! THEY WANT TO TRIPLE THE AMOUNT OF MY MONTHLY BENEFIT!! I was in SHOCK. Happily in shock mind you, but still... in unbelievable shock. For a good long five minutes all I can tell you is that I stared at the letters and kept saying aloud: OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD. THANK YOU SOOO MUCH, SOCIAL SECURITY! You're the best damn organization EVER. Well... except for Hospice Care, maybe.

I am so telling you... I couldn't believe it. I saw the numbers and my eyes bulged aplenty. I so never saw this coming. It's like one of those moments you almost think: Whoa. I'm not telling anyone one damn thing about this unexpected present for fear it could turn out to be a lie and I'm not REALLY supposed to be getting this increase. Yet in this case, I AM SUPPOSED TO. Which only means: Yipppeee hallelujah! Thank you ever so much Social Security! I love you! 

As you might imagine, I simply didn't know who to call first to rave about my extraordinarily good fortune. I decided two things right off the bat though: 1.) I would tell my kid last and 2.) I'll call my accountant first. Afterall... why let my kid know I have extra monies I could maybe spend on him if I wanted (which I don't want, btw) and yet I better clear this with my accountant to be sure it's not a lie. (turns out it's not) I mean seriously... due to both the postal service and Social Security... I am thrilled to no end.

And, in neither case did I have to go to a chat room, a web site, my mobile device or ANYwhere in the technological world. All I had to do was go outside to my own personal mail box at the front of my house! Now how easy was THAT? The least stressful social connection ever, if you ask me.  

Factor in the fact that I LOVE happy surprises and I LOVE presents of any kind so boom. Today was a red letter day all over the place. As it happens I know now exactly why I got the increase in my Social Security but that doesn't take away the thrill of it all in the least. I especially love the speed with which this organization got it's numbers tallied and got the adjusted info sent to me. SOMEone at this place is way on top of their game.  


Bottom line: granted... digital social media is here to stay. But the oldie goldie method of transmitting info is apparently working just as well for me at the moment. Besides, I adore the computerized automatic direct deposit I set up for all my Soc. Sec. checks. Basically meaning: who said you can't mix the old with the new? 

Dear God: thank you ever so much for this unexpected treat. I will spend it wisely. Maybe. Amen.

RED IS THE NEW BLACK??

Who knew great minds thought alike?? Talk about like Mother, like son. 

Meaning: how much did I love it when I was wearing my own pair of new red glasses, only to find that my kid was sporting a pair as well! What a great coincidence. And, I totally love his as much as I love mine. See? I KNEW summer was the time to bring out a splash of color for the season.

You can only imagine how glad I was to see my son again, regardless of his fine taste in frame selection. Although, seeing his color choice definitely upped my respect for him even more. I treasure every minute being with my kid which is nothing new, really. I ALWAYS love being with him. And... even better... I do believe he loves being me as well.


Not enough to want to move closer to NC, mind you, but whatever. Which is way too bad given I'd happily bribe him with pocket change aplenty, were he to reconsider. In the meantime, I'll settle for just seeing him happy.  

DON'T EVEN THINK IT

I'm so telling you. Don't go. Well... unless you absolutely have to, but even then, try NOT to go. Unfortunately, I myself HAD to go. So sure enough... I went. It's crazy ass hectic. It's oppressively hot. It's crowded as hell. It's the last place on earth I ever want to be. So where is this place of which I'm speaking??

Uh... it's Miami. Oops. I'm sorry. No. It's not Miami. It's SUPPOSED to be Miami, except it totally isn't. Instead... it's Latin American. Seriously. That's Miami now.

Within the 12 years since I've left for good... for much the same reasons I've just listed above... I can't beLIEVE what changes have occurred in the city of my birth and many many years of my youth and adulthood. Now don't get me wrong. I have absolutely nothing against Latin America. It's perfectly fine for those wishing to visit Brazil, Columbia, Argentina, Venezuela, Ecuador, etc. etc. You'll see some of the most beautiful, vibrant countries in the world there.

BUT IF YOU WANT TO VISIT MIAMI... you basically can't. You'll have to instead, visit the pretend Miami since... as I've already said... it is now totally: Latin America. It's NOTHING like the real Miami in which I grew up. The architecture is Latin. The food is Latin. The shops are Latin. For SURE the language is comPLETEly Latin. In fact, several years ago, even TIME magazine called Miami the capital of Latin America. And trust me... IT IS. Man... it just blew my mind.

And.. get this. To drive home the point even further for me, I had to go to Miami at the height of the soccer World Cup deal no less! You have no idea what's doing down there. I was in the Brickell Village area on Saturday night and I'm telling you... it felt exactly like entire Latin America met Times Square on New Year's Eve! It was completely unbelievable.

I even had to whip out my camera over and over again to simply take in the entire scene. Processing all the restaurants, all the outdoor bars, all the zillions HUGE high rises that were under construction, all the cars, all the PEOPLE, all the noises, all the EVERYTHING was an onslaught to one's senses. Granted, an energetic, happy onslaught, but a LATIN AMERICAN onslaught nevertheless. What happened to the Coral Gables, South Miami and/or Miami Beach in which I grew up, I can't begin to even tell you. Other than it decided to basically not be a part of the United States anymore. It decided to be Latino.

By the way... speaking of how many people are living there now, you should SEE the size of the airport nowadays. I had to walk MILES before I got to baggage claim. I mean it... getting through that airport took actual miles to maneuver by foot. I WAS EXHAUSTED by the time I got from the plane and walked away with my one stupid little checked bag. Granted every Latin American who helped direct me, spoke English but I swear. I thought the walk to the claim rounders would never end.


Anyway... I went to Miami because I had to and in spite of it being a difficult reason, I must say: I had a fantastic time. I totally loved everything I ate. I totally loved seeing everyone I had to. Most of all, I totally loved being in a pool once again. Oh yeah. Heads' up: if you DO have to go to Miami... sorry, I mean Latin America... you SO have to be sure you hop into the pool for a couple of hours every day just to bring down your body temp. No wonder I was in my pool everyday when I lived there. IT'S CRAZY ASS HOT outside.

Just looking around at all the things, whether it be traffic, people, buildings, signs, whatever... is like major visual excess. On the other hand...

I better learn to live with it because in six weeks... guess what. I have to GO BACK THERE YET AGAIN. Oh man. I can't believe it. Granted, the next time will be for a happy reason indeed, but still. The entire experience gives a whole new meaning to sensory overload. Including your sense of taste for I do have admit... the food was absolutely superb. Exceptionally pricey, yes, but totally worth it.  

VICTIM OF THEFT

Omigod. You won't believe this. Guess what! Today some people stole my shopping bag!! THE BASTARD THIEVES. I can't even TELL you how upset I am. Of course it was sorta my fault for having mistakenly left the bag in my cart but still. THEY STOLE MY BAG OF PERFUMES, COSTING ME $108.89 FOR ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, NOW!!

F.Y., YOU FILTHY THIEVES.

Man. What a crazy ass experience. So it all began this morning when I saw I had no more back up perfumes in my bathroom cabinet. Which meant: I better stock up and SOON. Thus after I got made up and dressed this morning I figured what the hell. I'll run over to the mall and hit the department store to buy what I needed. The department store which btw, no long sells my REAL perfume of choice: Opium. Don't ask. That's another story altogether.

In the meantime, the bottom line is I have to now buy my second choice of scents which is Youth Dew and just like Opium, it has a very strong, intense, beautiful scent. Oh yeah... I'm totally into strong, long lasting perfumes so that basically not only do I smell absolutely fantastic when near you, but more importantly, way after I walk away from you. Talk about leaving a lasting impression, right??

Anyway... it sorta worked out in my favor given Opium perfume... oops... I mean PARFUM... is now about $120 a bottle and Youth Dew is only $35. Okay. So I go to the store. I buy 3 bottles of perfume and bingo. The deed is done. Until that is... I spot a perfectly great handbag that I figured would be excellent for traveling, etc. I think and think and next thing you know, I'm paying for the bag, getting a nice little 30% off I might add. Then I head out of the store.

This is when the troubles begin. I approach the exit door, take my purse out of the cart, then the bag with the new purse in it and I leave the store. LIKE A STUPID IDIOT, FORGETTING TO TAKE THE BAG OF PERFUMES WITH ME, DAMNIT. I can't beLIEVE what an asshole I was but what can I tell you. I'm old.

Naturally, when I get home I realized IMMEDIATELY I've left a bag behind and in no time at all I call the department store and tell them: HELP. I'M AN IDIOT. I LEFT THE STORE WITHOUT MY PERFUME AND I'M FREAKING OUT AND THEREFORE PLEASE REVIEW THE STORE'S HIDDEN SECURITY CAMERAS AND FIND OUT WHERE THE HELL I LEFT THE BAG, PLEASE. Which they do, given I am sure they heard the pleading in my voice which totally sounded like a crazed lady who's completely lost her mind.

So while the Lost Recovery Manager is kindly doing that little chore for me, I hightail it back to the store hoping of course he'll find my bag. Oh... he finds it alright. For on the security camera what should he see but a nice looking older couple who saw my cart and looked into my bag AND THEN STOLE MY THREE PERFUMES!! Without a fucking care in the world the wife happily walks out of the store just KNOWING she's going to be smelling like a queen for the next friggin' three months or so. I TOTALLY HATE YOU, LADY.

Anyway to make a long story short: the security guy tells me the store can't really file a theft report to the police given it was no longer their property after I purchased the goods. So I should call the police, file the report, and then have the Sergeant call him for details on the thieves. (they had made a purchase with Mastercard so Mr. Security has their names) Sure enough the Sergeant came to my house, took down all the info for a report and boom. Mission accomplished. Maybe I'll get my perfume back, maybe I won't. I may even have to show up in court depending upon how things play out but whatever.

All I can say is: as soon as the officer left, I went BACK to the store to re-buy my perfume by which time, btw, they only had two bottles left. Bottom line? I wound up paying about $180 dollars for perfume today... two bottles of which I have, three of which I had stolen. Man.... talk about a comedy of errors.


Now... all I'm PRAYING for is that when/if the rotten people are found and they wind up being people I actually KNOW... yippee. I'm going to spread this story around town like WILDFIRE. And... I know exACTly which couple I pray is the culprit. For I would LOVE to make them out to be thieves, making their lives as miserable as possible given I truly hate them. But yeah... I know... I have way too much downtime if THIS is my fantasy, right? 

For now... the Sergeant will be getting on the case on Wednesday morning given what? My perfume ISN'T the most important criminal issue in the city?? After that I can't wait to see what happens. Besides... who wants another woman running around this town smelling as fabulous as I do? In closing let me just say: To Be Continued!!    

NOTICE ANYTHING??

Testing. Testing. Can you see me now? Testing. Testing. Uh... NOTICE ANYTHING DIFFERENT?? 

As in: it's summer time! As in: it's time to bring in some new color! Bingo. Mission accomplished.

LIKE MY NEW GLASSES?? Granted... every day of my life some stranger comes up to me and raves about my tortoise shell frames but these? I totally love them as much as the other ones!

It was about a month ago after having lunch next door to the optician's office, that I walked in and browsed around for a bit. Next thing you know I saw these red frames. Not like Sally Jesse thank God, but instead kinda like a translucent sort of happy red color. The minute I saw them I decided: Hey. Wait a minute. Maybe it's time I switch things up a bit with some color for the summer season. Which means in no time at all, I'm speaking to the optician, getting prices, getting the manufacturer, etc. etc.

Turns out the guy tells me this particular frame cost $280. So naturally, since these were to be sort of a fun pair, I took a second to ponder the cost and said: I'll tell you what. First let me see if I can find these online (which I bet the optician does too) and maybe I can order them at a lower price.

Uh... talk about good thinking on my part. Oh I found them alright... for almost half the price no less! Of course the cost of my lenses brought the summer look right smack way up to the top again but hey. There IS a cost for looking spiffy this summer, right? So boom. I got the frames sent to the house, brought them back to the optician, got my prescription put in and boom. There you have it...

My new glasses! I'm so telling you... they are happiest looking pair of glasses I've had in a long time! I particularly like pretending that they maybe even cast a nice rosy color on my cheeks even though I'm pretty sure they don't. But it doesn't matter. I love the look, regardless.

Oh yeah... you like the dopey pretend flamenco look I'm sporting there with the flower in my mouth? Like I'm ready to dance the tango or something? Yeah, well that's not happening anytime soon but it does make me chuckle, I have to admit.

In the meantime, get a load of this... my new alltime favorite love song! Whoa. I've been under a rock or something?? I went NUTS when I first heard it the other day... FINALLY. A LOVE SONG THAT GOES WAY ON TOP OF MY A LIST. I mean seriously. What could be a better way of capturing the sentiment AND has you dancing all over the place! Talk about killing two birds with one stone. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=02lXLiFsRtE 

Then of course when you get back together... you get to dance to another one of my alltime favorites... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SGyOaCXr8Lw 

$1000 and COUNTING

Jesus... this little pet is SOME investment, alright. You have no idea. At the moment I'm just this shy from reaching a cost of... ahem... $1000 for Ollie. Hell.. that's a trip to Europe and back for me! It's totally crazy.

First off the bat was the adoption fee itself. Then of course came all the hordes of pet paraphernalia for the house and the dog. Next came the grooming cost. Next thing you know I'm paying the vet for a checkup and for heartworm and/or flea meds. Just yesterday was the pet insurance payment for a year. And... oh yeah. Throw in the cost of the microchip, too. Then next Thursday comes - boom. The cost for a dog trainer since get this... 

OLLIE HAS SEPARATION ANXIETY!! As in: a friggin' emotional disorder! IS THIS A JOKE???

Can you fucking believe this? Trust me... I was ready to down one Ativan for me AND one to the dog. Don't even ask. We're talking WAY more money than I ever wanted to put into this but hell. Now I'm like at the point of NO RETURN. Talk about unbelievable. In the meantime... 

Turns out Ollie apparently suffered from this diagnosis with his previous owner too. Geez. If it wasn't such a crazy ass kind of canine disorder, it'd almost be funny. Except... I'm NOT laughing. So the deal is:

While I'm at home, Ollie is indeed THE most perfect pet you could ever imagine. But the MINute I leave the house?? WHAMMO. ANXIETY KICKS IN AND OLLIE GOES NUTS. Well, kinda. He doesn't go nuts. He just GOES... RIGHT SMACK ON MY CREAM COLORED CARPETING no less. This whole thing kicks in just seconds after I pull out of the garage I suspect whereby 1-2-3 Ollie escapes from the puppy gate I put up for him. The SECOND, TALLER puppy gate, I might add since he apparently just climbed up and out of my original one. 

It's been like a major comedy of errors everytime I leave my house. I mean it... I OWN A DOG WHO CAN PULL OFF HEISTS??? Totally comical but SO not chuckling, here. It basically all boils down to this: every time I come home from somewhere, in no time at all, I'm cleaning up poop the pup obviously plopped. And you just KNOW this is sooooooo not up my alley! Ergo: my need for Miriam, the dog trainer. This unacceptable separation anxiety has GOT to stop!

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I know... give him treats. Give him toys. Give him his bed. Let him see through the gate so he won't be claustrophobic. Give him. Give him. Give him. My God. The dog is almost like my REAL kid. All I know is that pretty soon, if all this doesn't get rectified and FAST... oh I'll be giving Ollie something, alright. The BOOT. I truly am trying to work all this out but man, it's CRAZY. Oh yeah... I even have a friend who's already offered to take Ollie in case things REALLY go south. However I'm not even going there yet. Keyword: yet.

Because seriously... other than this separation anxiety shit, Ollie is, as I've said a million times over... ABSOLUTELY PERFECT. AND ADORABLE. Thus I'm totally giving this entire deal the ole college try and I truly hope he can get past my leaving the house. Eeks. I'm a prisoner now? I mean really... I only considered Ollie in the first place, given I have a huge back yard to help meet every one of his personal toilet needs. I never even ONCE considered my CARpets having to wind up meeting those needs.


Besides... I've invested lots of money already on behalf of Ollie! Which is why I just think it's so ironic that Ollie is having toilet problems while I'm having financial problems going... where else... right smack down the toilet. Dear God: Please don't make me give Ollie some sort of doggie downers to clear up his separation problems. Better you should give them to ME. Thank you God. Amen.

For afterall... Ollie DOES have the potential of being the world's alltime most fantastic pet. Especially when, as you can see in the picture up above, he's sweetly fast asleep. 

O. M. G. READY FOR THISSSS?

Holy ba holy. You better sit down. THIS IS BIG. REAL big. As in: hell HAS supposedly frozen over. 

MEET OLLIE.

This is just the craziest thing you can ever imagine. I can't even believe it myself. SO ABSOLUTELY NOT LIKE ME since I AM basically a selfish bitch. But apparently things have changed. Unbelievably I might add. Get this...

Last Sunday I participated in something called MITZVAH DAY. A day whereby you do something nice for people. Especially strangers. However in this instance, it wasn't even a person but instead, an organization. Think: the Humane Society. I had some friends who were also participating and they were going there for a couple of hours, to sort of help out in some way. Ergo: I decided to join them. Of course within seconds of my being in the caged dog area of the place I immediately began to gag, so I had to hightail it back to main lobby likety split. But whatever.

The mitzvah we were all to do was to help walk the dogs which once I stopped wanting to throw up, was certainly easy enough. The first dog they brought me was kinda frisky if I remember correctly so boom. Enter: Ollie. Whose original name was Oreo, btw. However I knew I wouldn't be able to live with THAT name at all, so Oreo is now Ollie. Just like me, right? Screw up the dog right off the bat. Anyway...

I walked Ollie for about a half hour or more and all I can tell you is he was just absolutely ADORABLE. So damn sweet and calm and friendly. Just the kind of dog that could make someone who wasn't even looking for a pet think twice. I mean seriously... EVERYone was totally in love with him. And the more I spent time with him the more I thought: whoa. Maybe he'd like living in a pretty comfy home instead of these cages at the Humane Society. Maybe he'd like breathing fresh air most of the time and maybe he'd like scaring off potential robbers and/or rapists.

So one thing led to another and uh... guess what. I picked up Ollie this afternoon. And I am so telling you... HE'S PERFECT. I can't even believe it. He's soooo calm and gentle. Doesn't go running crazy ass all over the place. Doesn't bark when he meets strangers. Doesn't do drama. Doesn't go crazy when he sees other dogs. All of which basically points to the fact: Ollie is proving to be a PERFECT match for me! Best of all... he's totally house trained. YIPPEE. No furniture chewing either.

Before I picked Ollie up I stopped at PetSmart to get him a bed, a leash, a collar, some food and some gourmet treats. Might as well get him used to the good things in life right off the bat, right? Then I headed over to the Humane Society to get my new four legged son and brought him home to show him his new digs so he could bond. So far I think he likes it! I'm dying to ask Ollie, who is 4 years old, how his other home was, but turns out Ollie doesn't speak English all that well. He used to live with some lady who had to move to assisted living which might be sad for her, but man. I think it's pretty damn happy for me. And hopefully for Ollie too.

Bear in mind I am not an animal lover by any stretch of the imagination. On the other hand, I'm thinking Ollie will be wonderful company and of course will also not yell at me should I ever feel the need to bitch and moan and complain. He pretty much has the run of the house so far plus I've left the kitchen door open so he can go back and forth into the backyard should he want. I swear... I think this is totally going to be a win-win situation for the two of us.

Besides, he's pretty cute, huh? Because trust me... were Ollie not cute, I'd not have given him a second's thought. I almost want to say that I also think his previous owner may have had him trained for Ollie never walks in front of me. Always behind me, letting me lead the way which is just the way I like running things around here. We went out for a short little walk earlier and it was great.

In the picture Ollie looks like a small dog, which he is. BUT... oh man is he ever heavy!! I can hardly pick him up! Seriously. He weighs about 30 pounds I think and kinda like me... he totally carries alot of his weight on his bottom. UNlike me though, Ollie is all muscle. Also unlike me he is part Boston Terrier and part Chihuahua. Or so I'm told anyway.


In the meantime... I so hope this works out and frankly, I think it WILL. This has been a perfect first day for the dog and for me so basically... like I said: hell HAS frozen over. Never in a million years would I have ever thought I'd have a dog. Just goes to show... I don't know s@&t about anything anymore.

MILKING IT

Well I guess if there is going to be any one occasion for me to milk something to it's fullest, it may as be one that is in my honor. As in: my birthday! Yippee. I'm now officially another year older in my personal quest for enjoying life. And, I sort of have to say... I'm feeling great. I look decent enough. And I have had zillions of wonderful birthday wishes all day today. So all in all... what a life!

The best wish of course was from my son. Although I do have to admit he DID call at 8:00 a.m. WHAT? DOES HE NOT KNOW ME?? However, I can't really gripe since he was apparently just minutes away from scrubbing up for assisting in some cardiac surgical procedure. Bless his heart. Uh... no pun intended. Then of course came all the Facebook posts, text messages, emails, ecards, snail mails, some great presents and... a stunning flower arrangement that was at my front door when I got home this afternoon. Man. You'd almost think that I was totally loved! Which I must say... I AM. Lucky me.

As you can see... I included one of my favorite cards up above there because when I opened it I simply burst out laughing! What a great card for me! Seriously... my birthday IS a big F-ing deal and I'm thrilled that Hallmark realizes it, too. Obviously so does the person who sent to me. GREAT CALL on the card selection, don't you think?

In fact, it's such a big deal that indeed, I have several happy times all lined up for celebrating. I had a great afternoon lunch today and I went out for an even better Japanese dinner tonight. I even have another celebration dinner lined up for Wednesday night and then two MORE items lined up for whenever I can fit them in later in the week. I know... it's crazy. But then again, I only turn 66 once for God only knows if I'll ever reach 67. So my theory is: milk it for all I can, while I can. Bingo. Mission accomplished.

One thought struck me this morning while I was dressing, btw. I was thinking... wow. I'm the oldest living child my parents ever had. It sort of startled me and as I always say... my parents would FLIP if they knew I was still kicking around, living life so happily and feeling so blessed after 66 years. They of course lived into their mid 80s but I'm totally not sure I'll ever see that. Either literally OR figuratively. Oh yeah... I almost forgot:

The first thing I did after speaking to my kid this morning was check my bedside thermometer. WHAT A PERFECT DAY! TEMP WAS 47 DEGREES when I woke up! The second thing I did, before I opened my email this morning, was to naturally check out my horoscope. I figured I might as well first find out what the hell sort of day my birthday would be like before I got the ball rolling. There was nothing particularly earth shattering on that front, so after reading email, the third thing I did was to go to my closet to choose the same sort of clothing I wear on EVery one of my birthdays: FIND AN ALL WHITE OUTFIT. White is my absolute favorite color so I like wearing it each year, and in no time at all, boom. Outfit was selected. Am still wearing it now, as we speak, btw... in case anyone's interested.

The fourth thing I did today was answer all the incoming calls which I just have to mention... after my son calling, who should be next?? LUZ!! MY ALLTIME FAVORITE PERSONAL ASSISTANT FROM 15 YEARS AGO!! Luz calls every year and a birthday wouldn't be the same if I didn't hear from her. So yay. My day was off to a very happy start. And the good news... it ended just as happy as it began.


All I can say is: I am sooo very blessed to have so many wonderful loved ones in my life. Especially those who help celebrate my birthday with me. Maybe THAT'S the reason it's such a big F-ing deal every year. For it gives me a chance to be reminded of just how damn lucky I really am. Or... on the other hand... 

Maybe it's such a big deal because I SO love having my very own birthday cake! White cake with white icing. Yeah. That's the ticket. Now I know for SURE it's my birthday! Bottom line? Thank you to everyone who helped bring a smile to my face today and who send such sweet wishes my way every day. After all... according to the Linda School of Happy Events... my birthday is ALways major big deal. 

  

BEHIND THE SCENES

Totally not like me... setting my alarm clock for 7:00 on a Saturday morning. Well unless I have a plane to catch let's say. However on last Saturday I was flying no where.

Instead I headed out to get all the flowers ready for a wedding that Larry, my pretend boss, was doing for a 10:00 church service. After having worked lonnnng hours last week in prepping all the boutonnieres, corsages, a whole damn bunch of cotillion wristlets, Mother's Day orders, etc. my job on Saturday was to get to church, bringing along the bridal party flowers and the groomsmen's boutonnieres, making sure everything was pinned on correctly and that basically... everyone was good to go for the wedding vows. Bingo. Mission accomplished.

After that I was to then head over to the country club where Larry and his team of muscle men were setting up the all the pedestals, floral arrangements, table center pieces, etc. AND... setting up the fantastic cake display. Which naturally was my favorite part of the day. All this had to be done while the actual wedding ceremony was taking place since the post wedding brunch was to begin at around 11:30 or so. Again... bingo. Mission accomplished.

Which meant when I walked into the dining room where the wedding party was to be all I could think to myself was: Oh man. Just BEAUTIFUL! Seriously... you should have SEEN this room. Talk about having an exquisite reception. The flowers were STUNNING so I immediately whipped out my camera and began shooting away. Not to be confused with the REAL photographer for the event mind you, but more so for Larry to be able to use for suggestions to other perspective brides. I totally loved this part. SO up my alley. Which is why I had this picture taken of me behind the scenes, DYING to chomp right down on one of about 125 cupcakes! They were BEAUTIFUL. As you can see up there in the picture where we captured the moment for all of posterity.

The very top tier is holding the bride and groom's wedding cake. Then the rest of the tiers were holding a bunch of the cupcakes, with all the rest being laid out on the table. Chocolate, vanilla and strawberry. I am telling you, not only were the cakes absolutely beautiful but I am SURE they were the most delicious thing I almost, but obviously couldn't, have tasted. No wonder btw... they were all baked by one of THE best bakeries in town. Trust me. It took all the restraint I could muster not to run back to the kitchen and beg for an extra cupcake, should they have had one.

Okay. So that was all done. A few hours later in the afternoon, it was then time to break down the flower displays after the party. Which is when Larry asked the two guys and myself if anyone could drive a stick shift. No said Nick. No said Charles, YES SAID LINDA. Granted it's been 35 years since I've driven one, but who's counting. Which meant I WAS THE ONE who had to drive Larry's new little boxy coupie kind of car to go help retrieve all the items. ARE YOU KIDDING ME??

Oh man.... I soooo wished you could have seen me trudging along the streets here shifting into one gear after another, having NO CLUE WHATSOEVER where the AC button was, where the radio button was and once it began drizzling, where the windshield wiper button was! IT WAS CRAZY. However, not so crazy that I couldn't deliver the goods so whammo. I drove and met the boys and together we got everything loaded. BTW... how far away from returning to the flower shop you think I was before I FINALLY found the windshield wiper switch?? Think: ONE BLOCK. Geez.


In the meantime, the wedding was great, the reception was beautiful, the reviews of all the flowers were exciting AND... the car got back to Larry all in one piece. Oh yeah... last point. By 10:30 that night I was in bed, totally exhausted, fast asleep and all ready for the prep work this week for the NEXT wedding. Which is tomorrow, should anyone give a damn. 

WHAT THE HELL??

If you're a little old lady, the church going type who rarely swears and never goes down on your man then... uh... don't ever go to see Miley Cyrus in concert. You'd choke on her shenanigans. I of course am far from a church going lady but even I had to take a second look at the props she recently had on stage one night in London.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? GIVING A BLOW JOB DURING YOUR CONCERT IS ACCEPTABLE NOWADAYS? ON A BLOW UP DOLL, NO LESS?? Holy shit.

I totally wished my brother were still alive btw, to see what the hell has happened to music lately. He wouldn't believe it. Although I'm pretty sure he happily do a double take, much like I did when I saw this particular shot. I'm telling you... this girl has gone WAY too far if you ask me. Besides. I hate her guts ever since she completely ruined Robin Thicke's time on stage at the MTV Awards last year with that stupid f'ing foam finger and her equally disgusting tongue routine. Oh yeah... I'd also love for Bob to now see that performers are way into wearing only bras and g-strings on TV. But whatever.

Apparently that MTV performance was nothing however compared to the night Miley was in London. And mind you... this was only one prop of many that Miley used on stage that evening. She was also kinda humping a HUGE blow up of a male member, if you catch my drift. I mean seriously. We all get it. As George Michael likes to remind us: SEX IS NATURAL. SEX IS FUN. SEX IS BEST WHEN IT'S ONE ON ONE.

And I'm definitely in George's corner on this BUT MILEY? Man oh man. She SO needs to get a grip on what's sexy and what isn't. Beyonce sexy?? Definitely. Miley sexy? I'd rather throw up. Although I must admit... she does get an A in the twerking department but that doesn't even count anymore.

Regardless... when I saw this picture I totally had to blog about it. Not because I love it, but more because she's taken things way too far if you ask me. I mean... who IS her target audience anyway?? I guess it must be 14 year olds although I don't really think 14 year old teeny boppers need to be hit with all this fellatio bullshit. Nor with any freakishly horrible looking tongue hanging out, ready to lick anything on the planet, right smack in plain sight. Maybe the clergy is right... SOME things do need to be sheltered in the privacy of one's own home. Like Miley's entire existence for example. So far it's looking like the idiot Justin Bieber has finally met his match.

Now don't get me wrong. I am FAR from a prude, so that's not really an issue for me. I love suggestive. I love sexy. I love tease. But Miley has got it so terribly wrong that I feel badly for the teens who worship her. It's like she's proudly promoting the notion that THE FILTHIEST SLUT IMAGE POSSIBLE IS SUDDENLY QUEEN FOR THE DAY or something. Which is crazy since according to the Linda School of Turn On's, sex and seduction and music has wholly been lost on Miley. There are ZILLIONS of women who promote sexy soooooo much better than this Cyrus blow up crap.


Talk about a Wrecking Ball. And no... I don't mean Miley's #1 hit from... what a surprise... her Bangerz Album. I mean Miley herself. 

LIFE LINE

Husbands? Boyfriends? Kids? Friends? Relatives? Please. If I really really had to, I guess I could do without one or two of these. Although I obviously wouldn't want to. 

However... what I absolutely CAN'T do without is: house help and/or my personal assistant. Bonnie and Teresa definitely move to the top of my A list for I swear to God, THEY are the ones who keep me grounded and give order to what you could basically call my pretty ordinary life. I'd be f'ing lost without the two of them.

Seriously. I'd rather starve than not spend money on those who help me run my life and home. They are my life line, for sure. Mind you... I am always the absolute responsible leader for everything, knowing exactly what is going on and what needs to be taken care of but without help in organizing my household?? I'd be VERY unhappy.

Granted, I once mistakenly called the police on Teresa one winter morning about 4 years ago, but that's only because I thought a burglar had broken into my house and disarmed my alarm and was robbing me blind. Turns out of course it was Teresa merrily going about her business, cleaning my kitchen, when the police shined a light onto her. That's a whole other story, however. I even blogged about it way back when for I'm totally telling you... it was one of my alltime scariest moments ever. Jesus. What an idiot I was that morning. Anyway...

What I haven't blogged about... until now... is Bonnie. That's her you see up in the picture. Bonnie is the last in a line up of about 5 different personal assistants I've had in the past 20 years. And I've adored them all. There is no way I could have lived a life of calm and serenity without a one of them. Apparently... left on my own, I'm a friggin' mental mess. Even to this day, Luz calls me on my birthday every year.

For years and years I naturally managed my entire household on my own. When it was hardest, too. When all the kids were still young, when my hubby was first beginning his practice, when I even had live in help for five years, let's say. I took care of EVERYthing basically on my own. Kinda. Even when I was still working part time. Then one day my girlfriend Beth said to me: OMG. I'M SO THRILLED. I HIRED A PERSONAL ASSISTANT WHO COMES IN ONCE A WEEK AND WHO DOES EVERYTHING I HATE AND... I'VE NEVER BEEN HAPPIER.  

That's all I had to hear. What?? NO MORE HAVING TO RUN ERRANDS? NO MORE HAVING TO ISSUE CHECKS EACH MONTH? NO MORE HAVING TO DO MY GROCERY SHOPPING? NO MORE HAVING TO TALK TO INSURANCE COMPANIES?? NO MORE HAVING TO RESOLVE BILLING ISSUES WITH ANY COMPANY?? Totally count me in!

Which is how I started with Lorena, worked up to Luz, Delinda, Pat and now arriving at Bonnie. Man. I finally found heaven here on Earth. Bonnie is absolutely perfect for me. She does all the bullshit I hate on the phone, she does what I need regarding errands and best of all, she totally calms me down when I get crazed. She once left me a wonderful note, like a loving Mother would do, telling me to relax and enjoy the day after I became NUTS from AT&T one day. She is like my personal PMS specialist. Of course NOW there is no longer a PM deal going on, but trust me... it's effects can apparently still be brought to the surface every now and then, regardless. Whatever.

All I can tell you is that Bonnie is one of the sweetest, most patient people you'd ever meet. She has this notion in her head that if anything ever happened to her, I'd be able to manage just fine, which is SO not true. For believe you me, if God forbid anything ever happened to Bonnie, I'd be lost. Of course I DID have to carry on alone for four months when Bonnie had partial knee replacements a couple years ago but I guarantee you... I was counting the DAYS until her return. Seriously. When the day comes that Bonnie says to me OH YEAH. JUST WANT TO TELL YOU I'M MOVING you can bet your sweet ass that I'll have to slit my wrists imMEDiately. Same thing for Teresa, now that I think of it.


For I must admit... I can handle plenty of adversity when needed. And, indeed I have. But when it comes to maintaining balance in my personal life, I SO need the grounded help Bonnie offers. Left to own resources, heaven only KNOWS in what state I'd find myself. DEAR GOD: PLEASE DON'T EVER MAKE ME HAVE TO LOSE TERESA OR BONNIE. IF SO... I JUST MAY BE SEEING YOU WAY SOONER THAN I THOUGHT. THANK YOU GOD. AMEN.