Sunday, June 1, 2014


Omigod. You won't believe this. Guess what! Today some people stole my shopping bag!! THE BASTARD THIEVES. I can't even TELL you how upset I am. Of course it was sorta my fault for having mistakenly left the bag in my cart but still. THEY STOLE MY BAG OF PERFUMES, COSTING ME $108.89 FOR ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, NOW!!


Man. What a crazy ass experience. So it all began this morning when I saw I had no more back up perfumes in my bathroom cabinet. Which meant: I better stock up and SOON. Thus after I got made up and dressed this morning I figured what the hell. I'll run over to the mall and hit the department store to buy what I needed. The department store which btw, no long sells my REAL perfume of choice: Opium. Don't ask. That's another story altogether.

In the meantime, the bottom line is I have to now buy my second choice of scents which is Youth Dew and just like Opium, it has a very strong, intense, beautiful scent. Oh yeah... I'm totally into strong, long lasting perfumes so that basically not only do I smell absolutely fantastic when near you, but more importantly, way after I walk away from you. Talk about leaving a lasting impression, right??

Anyway... it sorta worked out in my favor given Opium perfume... oops... I mean PARFUM... is now about $120 a bottle and Youth Dew is only $35. Okay. So I go to the store. I buy 3 bottles of perfume and bingo. The deed is done. Until that is... I spot a perfectly great handbag that I figured would be excellent for traveling, etc. I think and think and next thing you know, I'm paying for the bag, getting a nice little 30% off I might add. Then I head out of the store.

This is when the troubles begin. I approach the exit door, take my purse out of the cart, then the bag with the new purse in it and I leave the store. LIKE A STUPID IDIOT, FORGETTING TO TAKE THE BAG OF PERFUMES WITH ME, DAMNIT. I can't beLIEVE what an asshole I was but what can I tell you. I'm old.

Naturally, when I get home I realized IMMEDIATELY I've left a bag behind and in no time at all I call the department store and tell them: HELP. I'M AN IDIOT. I LEFT THE STORE WITHOUT MY PERFUME AND I'M FREAKING OUT AND THEREFORE PLEASE REVIEW THE STORE'S HIDDEN SECURITY CAMERAS AND FIND OUT WHERE THE HELL I LEFT THE BAG, PLEASE. Which they do, given I am sure they heard the pleading in my voice which totally sounded like a crazed lady who's completely lost her mind.

So while the Lost Recovery Manager is kindly doing that little chore for me, I hightail it back to the store hoping of course he'll find my bag. Oh... he finds it alright. For on the security camera what should he see but a nice looking older couple who saw my cart and looked into my bag AND THEN STOLE MY THREE PERFUMES!! Without a fucking care in the world the wife happily walks out of the store just KNOWING she's going to be smelling like a queen for the next friggin' three months or so. I TOTALLY HATE YOU, LADY.

Anyway to make a long story short: the security guy tells me the store can't really file a theft report to the police given it was no longer their property after I purchased the goods. So I should call the police, file the report, and then have the Sergeant call him for details on the thieves. (they had made a purchase with Mastercard so Mr. Security has their names) Sure enough the Sergeant came to my house, took down all the info for a report and boom. Mission accomplished. Maybe I'll get my perfume back, maybe I won't. I may even have to show up in court depending upon how things play out but whatever.

All I can say is: as soon as the officer left, I went BACK to the store to re-buy my perfume by which time, btw, they only had two bottles left. Bottom line? I wound up paying about $180 dollars for perfume today... two bottles of which I have, three of which I had stolen. Man.... talk about a comedy of errors.

Now... all I'm PRAYING for is that when/if the rotten people are found and they wind up being people I actually KNOW... yippee. I'm going to spread this story around town like WILDFIRE. And... I know exACTly which couple I pray is the culprit. For I would LOVE to make them out to be thieves, making their lives as miserable as possible given I truly hate them. But yeah... I know... I have way too much downtime if THIS is my fantasy, right? 

For now... the Sergeant will be getting on the case on Wednesday morning given what? My perfume ISN'T the most important criminal issue in the city?? After that I can't wait to see what happens. Besides... who wants another woman running around this town smelling as fabulous as I do? In closing let me just say: To Be Continued!!    

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