UNPAID WHORE

Okay... first of all, I can not beLIEVE how long it's been since I've had chance to write. Man, have I been busy. I actually have about five entries started, but never had time to finish any one of them before boom. Something ELSE of note popped into my head and next thing you know... days and days go by before I in fact, upload an actual, completed entry. Talk about time flying when having fun.

Second of all, today however.... something happened that I decided I needed to write about and actually finish! Turns out I learned that apparently I'm... sitting down??... A NO GOOD UNPAID WHORE. Whoa. Shocking right?? THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT, TOO. I WAS SIMPLY FLABBERGASTED to say the least. But...

According to Dr. Laura that's exactly what I am. WTF?? 

So let's start at the beginning. Many years ago, while driving in the car, I used to listen to this conceited, judgmental, sick thinking lady until one day I had finally had ENOUGH of her bullshit advice. I mean geez... she was soooo cruel, so inflexible, so arrogant and just so full of herself. 

Which means you can only IMAGINE how totally thrilled I was in 1998 when naked pictures of her were splashed all over the Internet. I was in my total glory. Here... in case you happened to miss the entire event... check this out although I warn you now: 1. They are explicit and 2. MAYbe they're picts of someone else although the word on the street is that it's truly her. Graphic Nude Dr. Laura  

Besides... her degree in psychoanalysis, psychiatry, counseling, etc. is totally non existent. Get this... she has instead a Ph.D in physiology and btw, claims to have grown up in the most dysfunctional, unloving home known to man.

So with credentials like this, you can imagine my shock over a caller she was speaking with today. Oh yeah... indeed, I did flip over to her station during some commercial on another station... after YEARS of not listening to her. But whatever. Turns out the caller today was about 25 years old, not in school, not working, was jilted by her boyfriend and bingo. Is also pregnant.

I won't get into the details of the caller's problem but suffice it to say there was a family battle over what do do about this predicament. As in: abortion vs. adoption vs. keeping the kid. The caller wants to keep it. The family wants her to abort it and Dr. Laura insists the absolute only acceptable option is adoption. Unless of course you want to be considered an immoral murderer for the rest of your life and live in purgatory for ever and ever. Which is totally Dr. Laura's stance.

It was basically at this point that the good doctor claimed the girl and ANYone who ever had sex outside of marriage is nothing more than a filthy, rotten, "unpaid whore" who absolutely cheapens the sexual experience let alone the sanctity of marriage. 

NO WONDER I HATE THIS WOMAN. She's not only turned the Roe vs. Wade victory back 40 years, but her thinking has also totally removed any advances ever made in a woman's ability to made her own decision about her own body. Jesus... the whole thing makes me sick to my stomach.

But not as sick as making ME feel like an unpaid whore. WHO THE F IS THIS BITCH TO HAVE THE AUDACITY TO LABEL ME AS A WHORE?? I am stunned, to say the least.  For truth be told... NEWS FLASH... I myself have indeed had sexual encounters... more than once in my life I might add... as a single woman with no interest whatsoever in marrying the guy. Thus I am telling you right now: despite Dr. Asshole, I AM NO WHORE IN ANY WAY WHATSOEVER. In fact, I've never regretted any of my encounters and get this... even married two. Plus... any sexual experience I've had with ANY gentleman has been happy, warm, consenting and thankfully, pretty damn pleasurable.

To imagine that Dr. Bullshit can get on public airwaves and spew such judgment upon all women no matter what the circumstance, including wanting to enjoy a sexual relationship with someone you may never marry, is way more indecent in my book than actually having said relationship. Granted being an out and out slut is nothing to which one should aspire. Nor is sleeping around with people about whom you don't give a shit. 

But seriously. You're in love with someone? You're even really really really in like with someone? Then hell... why NOT enjoy a wonderful sexual relationship that holds joy and meaning? If you're adult and feel sex is something you want to share with someone important and you use dependable protection then geez... give me a break. GO AHEAD. GET LAID.

And... if you DO elect to enjoy sexual relationships mark my words: you are NOT necessarily "an unpaid whore." Rather... you're probably way in love with someone with whom you want to share fantastic intimacy. Which only begs my response to Dr. Laura's horrible labeling of many many women: UH... GO F YOURSELF, LAURA. 

MADAM PRESIDENT

A crazy thing is going on. It happened when about a month ago… maybe less… some guy came to my front door telling me he is from my Homeowners Ass. and is looking for a few people willing to place their name on the ballot for the Board of Directors to replace those whose terms are expiring.

He asked me if I was willing to be a part of this and I must say he was pretty persuasive. So I thought a moment and realized I AM the laziest person in the world but maybe I COULD offer up some time to be a participant on this Board. Afer all… what else do I do, anyway? Apparently they only meet once every 3 months, I think, so decided what the hell. Okay. Put me down to run for Secretary. With the caveat being:

KEEP LOOKING FOR SOMEONE ELSE WHO WOULD DO THIS INSTEAD OF ME. If absolutely no one else would, then okay. I’ll help out. BUT… KEEP LOOKING!!

Ballots were mailed out to all the residents about two weeks later and sure enough my name was listed to possibly vote me into some office. Bear in mind, btw, I know almost NO ONE in my development. If I had to guess… I know about 18 people MAYBE of about let’s say 125. It may be higher but I totally don’t know.

In the meantime… last week I got an email CONGRATULATING ME ON GETTING THE MOST VOTES OF ANYONE. What?? Who the hell even KNOWS me?? Which got me to thinking: Am I now f’ing President of this assocition by virture of the most votes?? EEEKS. SAY IT AIN’T SO. I DEFintely am not going to be President!! I am NOT going to be answering calls and emails from everyone who has a complaint or wants me do something on their behalf! Because I’ll tell you right now… I will totally tell them… DO WHATEVER THE HECK YOU WANT. I BASCIALLY DON’T GIVE A SHIT. Just don’t call me again.

I know… nice way of leading this group, right?

All I know is that I had better be Secretary rather than President! Which might be hard to know given the annual meeting is next Saturday morning at get this… 9:00 in the morning!! At the local library no less. Are you kidding me? I DON’T EVEN KNOW IF I CAN BE UP THAT EARLY!! I am supposed to be turning over for my last hour of sleep at that time! Up, dressed, in attendance by 9?? I’m sooo not feeling it. 

Thus I absolutely do NOT want to go. Which is pretty funny because can you even imagine? If by some stroke of unhappy luck, it turns out I AM President, I am not sure at all that the folks will be thrilled with my absence. My way I guess of protesting this stupid election. Who would even vote for me, anyway? Granted… I can be a pretty unforgettable woman but seriously. Why even vote for me in the first place?? Oh man. This is so not good.

Besides… even if I do get to be Secretary, I wil immediately tell the board I don’t do meetings before 11:30, anyway. Actually 7:00 p.m. would be even better. I am NOT doing early morning get togethers for bullshit. Regardless…

I guess the suspense ends next Saturday. Gulp. I just may be the very first Board member to resign almost imMEDiately after being elected. Man. I must have been out of my mind the day that guy rang my doorbell. Much like I’ll be WAY out of my mind if I find out I’m President. Besides… I can only handle one idiot Commander in Chief at a time. 

MY WEEK

Sunday: Woke up feeling pretty hungry so decided to make breakfast. Went to refrigerator and found just enough eggs for a delicious omelet. Added cheese, onions, tomatoes and mushrooms. Looked incredibly mouth watering. Came time to flip omelet… which I’ve done a zillion times before. Did the flip and boom. Entire omelet landed on the floor! Next time I’m totally going to Denny’s.

Monday: So after rainy day after rainy day it was time for the lawn man to finally arrive. He did so. I asked him about the several circular brown spots on my backyard lawn. Turns out it’s caused by Zebulon’s urine!! OMG. Am I eventually not going to have any green lawn left at ALL?? Actually it doesn’t much matter. The dog loves making on my floors as much as he does on the grass. It’s totally 50/50… he could care less where he goes. Bottom line: I’m so screwed.

Tuesday: Had to go to the bone and joint doctor because hard core of pain. Turns out... from having to literally climb up into my bed, my right knee cap is kinda compromised. IT HURTS. ALOT. Don’t need any procedure YET but already I’m smelling: SOMEthing having to be done somewhere down the road. Dear God… PLEASE don’t ever let me have to have a knee replacement. Shoot me now. I am so not a candidate for physical therapy which is mandatory for recovery. Am way too lazy.

Wednesday: Went to the skilled nursing home place to visit Bonnie who hasn’t been here in over 3 months. She had foot surgery caused from a staph infection and her recovery is still a far way off. Am barely hanging on in doing all my chores alone. Which reminds me… if ever I DO have to have a knee replacement I will NEVER go to a skilled therapy nursing place. Feeble old people in wheel chairs all over the corridors who have no clue which way is up.  Depressing as shit. Even the lovely dining room and ice cream shoppe offer no draw. 

Thursday: Yay. Went to the last of my birthday celebrations at my favorite Japanese resturant. Ordered a fantastic meal which I downed with sheer pleasure. Finished half of it then and brought the rest home. Finished the leftovers by 1:00 a.m. There simply are times when leftovers can be totally as mouth watering delicious as the first time around.

Friday: Woke up and sadly, found that Trump was still President. WTF is WITH this man? Does NO Republican care about his constant lying? Have ALL ethics and integrity left the Congressmen? Apparently. F these people. I hate them. Was devastated to hear about the baseball practice. For about 6 hours there was total unity in Congress. Talk about easy come easy go. Oh yeah... went to see WONDER WOMAN and loved every second of it. Who knew?? Also loved the popcorn.

Saturday: Woke up with horrible urinary infection. Won’t go into details, for which you should thank me. Started meds immediately since I didn’t want to miss a luncheon I had planned to attend. Made it to the luncheon although I felt totally crappy. But not so crappy that I’d miss my manicure appointment afterwards. Decided if I was going to kick the bucket, might as well have fine looking nails.

Sunday: Made reservations for brunch at the country club. No need to repeat last Sunday’s omelet fiasco. Excellent call on my part.    

I CAN'T EVEN

Oh my God. I can’t even tell you how utterly disGUSTed I was earlier today. I totally wanted to throw up and believe you me… were I all alone in the house I certainly would have.

I had just awoken from a very long nap… didn’t sleep well last night but whatever… and I immediately walked into the kitchen to naturally grab a Diet Coke and begin marinating some chicken breasts. Thereupon I sorta noticed a huge something on my kitchen counter but really didn’t give it all that much notice given I was REALLY looking at the defrosted chicken next to my sink. And right then… in walks my kid.

VERY nonchalantly, with my back to him and to this humongous “thing” I happened to basically say… HEY. WHAT’S THE DEAL WITH THAT THING ON THE COUNTER. Bingo. I went crazy. His reply to me?? Sitting down??

IT WAS A HUGE, HUGE, HUGE DEAD PIG’S LEG BONE!!! AS IN: ABOUT 25 INCHES LONG AND ABOUT 10 INCHES IN CIRCUMFERENCE. FROM WHAT LOOKED LIKE TO BE A 150 POUND PIG!!

Oh my GOD. I went beserk. WHAT?? WHAT THE HELL IS THIS DISGUSTING THING DOING ON MY KITCHEN COUNTER? LET ALONE IN MY HOUSE?? GET RID OF THAT IMMEDIATELY!! I DON’T WANT TO EVER SEE THAT F’ING THING EVER AGAIN. To which he happened to then say:

IT’S NOT A BIG DEAL! I’M JUST DEFROSTING IT. AND BESIDES… THERE’S ALSO ONE IN THE REFRIGERATOR. At that little tidbit, I wanted to puke on him, on me, on the bone, and on my kitchen floor. Holy shit. Turns out… I don’t do well with dead body parts the size of Montana. Or Rhode Island. I don’t care WHAT the size. Soooo disgusting!

Next question from me of course was: WHY? My kid had a pretty good answer, I must admit, but still. I was totally SICKENED by all this! And oh yeah… I made him cover it all up with aluminum foil IMMEDIATELY so I didn’t have to view any part of this crapola. Turns out… given his job of assisting in orthopedic surgies, he wanted to “practice” his skill at doing sutures and apparently… practicing on bones of dead pigs is an excellent way of doing it. F’ING KILL ME NOW. Seriously… I can’t even TELL you how nauseated I was by this entire incident.

Who the hell brings this kind of thing home anyway?? To MY home no less! I am telling you… I was this shy from running to grab an Ativan so my heart would stop pounding. I mean it… I don’t even look at my own X-ray’s when at the doctor’s. It’s HIS job to view them. Not mine. Anyway...

Tomorrow my next question to my kid has GOT to be: WAIT. ARE YOU TELLING ME YOU’RE GOING TO BE CUTTING THIS LEG BONE IN HALF SO YOU CAN THEN PRACTICE DOING THE SUTURES??? IN MY KITCHEN??  Oh man… how much you want to bet THAT is never going to happen??

Just reliving this little story is making me sick all over again. I’d LIKE to say I’ve seen my last time of ever eating steak bones or even pork ribs, but sad to say… I doubt that will ever happen. Unless of course I just stick with the steak bone but frankly… THIS bone I had on my counter? Was totally close to being the size of a cow’s leg.

OMG... I SO LOVE THIS

So last night I was playing around with some face apps on my phone. Or maybe it was with my iPad. I can't remember. In any case, I downloaded an app and then lo and behold you could do a bunch of things to make your face look like someone else's. CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS?? I am now Melania Trump!!! I am telling you... I can not stop LAUGHING!! I think this is the most hilarious thing I've ever seen. Can you even imagine??? 

Apparently the app takes your face and after you do some playing around with sizing and placement, I guess it transposes it onto another face you have in your photos and bingo. You look like that picture! Case in point: these are basically my ears, my earrings, my chin, my teeth, my cheeks, etc. etc. but then after some aligning, they added Melania on top of me. The app even finagled with my glasses. SO GREAT.

Frankly I never found Melania to be so damn beautiful as Donald seems to think. I hate her pasty expression... it never seems to change no matter how many photos you see of her. I guess I would opt for her figure for sure but to imagine that her husband might have to touch my body makes my skin crawl. On the other hand... I bet they're not having all that much sex anymore anyway so okay. I'll force myself to live in opulence if need be. Or not. Even that trade off could be a total turn off now that I think of it.

I still love this app, however.

In the meantime... EEEKS. THIS IS THE WEEK. Once again I have a birthday (thank God) and while I am thrilled to have been on this earth for 69 years what REALLY freaks me out is that NEXT year I will be 70!! Uh... God willing. Yet willing or not... 70 IS OLD AS SHIT and for the first time in my life I can see already that I will have a pretty difficult time with an age number. For in the end, it only points to one thing... my days here on Earth are shrinking by the minute.

Yes, I've been pretty lucky to have had a really wonderful life on every level you can think of. I don't even have anything on my Bucket List that I simply COULDn't live without. Instead what REALLY upsets me is... get this... all the fantastic food I will never again get to eat!! THAT I will miss almost more than anything. I know. It's totally sick of me to think this way but I can't help it. No more lobster?? No more chocolate?? No more prime rib?? NO MORE FRENCH FRIES?? Oh God... say it ain't so. Man... no doughnuts. No pasta. No hot dogs. No Greek salad with a gyro? Who the hell wants to do away with THAT? Unless of course a major feast awaits all of us once we get to Heaven. If only. In the meantime...

Here is a picture of what I actually look like at 69. 

I know. Far from Melania but as I say each year... things could be worse, I guess. Yeah, I'm not 16 anymore nor 29 and not even 45. But other than my damaged belly and droopy breasts I guess I can learn to live with my appearance. Uh... what choice do I have anyway? Trust me... I've seen plenty of other 69 year olds and I wouldn't trade places with them in a million years. The best part about being my age however is the fact I got here with no major freaky health problems at all!! Hallefuckingluyah. For that I am tremendously grateful!!

Perhaps as a birthday present, Trump is pretty much getting closer to being ousted. Now THAT would be a gift like none other. As I listened to MSNBC all night tonight it appears this man is definitely fucked and I can not tell you how much I am enjoying watching him and his White House spiral out of control. Granted... Melania may not be getting off on it but you so can be SURE I am. 

In closing here a picture of me in what I imagine I would look like Victorian days. I love this shot! Especially since I would have loved to have known Queen Victoria. She's by far my favorite queen. Man. How much fun am I having with this deal! Can keep me busy for days. 

Freaky... right??

A QUICK ESCAPE

Man... am I ever happy I can flee this crazy ass country any damn time the Republicans drive me out of my ever lovin' mind. Which could totally be any day now. Just what enables me to flee so easily?? YIPPEE. MY NEW PASSPORT!! I can't TELL you how thrilled I am to have it.

I've had a current passport ever since I was 16 years old. Well... except for the last couple of years, anyway. I kinda let time slip away from me and boom. Next thing you know, mine expired. I think they are good for 10 years and you should only SEE what my picture looked like 10 years ago. Talk about wanting to throw up. Besides.... nowadays they won't even let you wear glasses in your photo.

When I was 16... wait... maybe 17 but whatever, I went to Europe for the very first time. It was 2 month trip for about 25 high school girls from all over the country, whose parents were kind enough to ante up the monies for a major first class vacation. I was naturally too old by then to go to summer camp so all I know is my sister came home one day, told my parents she wanted to go on this tour with her close friend Sue and next thing you know, my bags were packed as well. Could totally have been one of THE most fabulous trips I ever took. Luxury all the way and you know how I love being treated like royalty!

Oh yeah... my other favorite trip was when I went to Mexico for 2 months via my university's partnership with Universidad de las America in a city called Puebla. The total opposite of luxury but equally fantastic nevertheless. No wonder. My two best friends... Mike and Tom... and I were stoned the entire time on Mexico's amazing pot. But that's another story altogether.

Suffice it to say that most people have their passport ready at all times given you just never know when you want to take off for some foreign vacation spot. Or... to escape brutal dicators, even. In my current situation I'm beginning to think I may someday need to not only get the hell out of Trump's regime but now... even more importantly... need to get out just to find decent medical coverage! I mean... really? 

Pregnancy is now a pre-existing condition?? Are you f'ing kidding me? I don't care WHAT friends have told me... our country is now officially becoming the total piece of s*** I always said it would be, the day Trump was elected. Even France butched up and voted in favor of decency. My God. I still can't believe Donald refused to shake Angela Merkel's hand. Anyway...

As you can tell from the picture above, I am enjoying the freeing possibility that if I decide to leave the U.S. until we elect someone who actually believes in decency and honor rather than corruption and out and out lying to me, I totally can. Leaving the country for a mere vacation btw, is pretty much out of the question given I am so not into airport/airplane terrorism. Mandatory bolting on the other hand, is pretty much my reason of choice.

And speaking of travel... the next item on my list is to hit the TSA Pre Check agency so that I can become amongst the lucky fliers who can then bypass the horrible lines at airport security boarding checkpoints. It's really kinda cool. You go to the agency, enroll in the program and bingo. You can then fly right smack past the hundreds of other passengers waiting in VERY LONG LINES to get through security. I SO HATE those lines! In the meantime....

This is all pretty ironic given I love nothing better than staying put right here in my sweet little home town for ever and ever. Which is the total dilemma I have regarding my fleeing The Donald. I'm thinking maybe I'll hold out for impeachment, but that is so never going to happen. The congressional Republicans would NEVER consider doing this, trust me. As for those who voted for him btw... go to hell is my mantra to them. Anyway...

EVERYone should have a valid passport, flee or no flee. Besides... even if you are on a pleasure cruise departing from an American port, you so could find yourself unable to disembark on daytime stopovers in Canada, Jamaica, Mexico, etc. etc. Not to mention that should you ever find yourself at an American Embassy for help, the first thing they'll ask to see is your passport. In any case... renewing my passport has been on list of THINGS TO DO for a loooong time and yippee, yippee. I can now check this off my list. Meaning:


Anyone who might invite me to their destination wedding is someone to whom I can now say: I'll be there!! Well... as long as it's within a 30 mile radius of my house, that is. All other destinations are totally up for grabs nowadays. Ahhh... if only I were still young and foolish. And of course... unafraid of being brutally killed.   

CELEBRATION TIME

Celllll -a-brate good times... come on! Thank you Kool and the Gang, btw, for that happy little tune. Which actually is a wonderful way to begin a fun party with friends and family. Which is exactly what I did a few weeks ago in honor of my kid.

As you may know, I am over the moon that my son left Miami last August and decided to live in a place where life is soooo much better for one's soul, ease of life and yes, even your pocketbook. I should know. I've been living here for 15 years now and believe you me, I've never looked back. But to have imagined my kid too, would one day be here, puts me way over the moon. The delight I have in knowing I can see him any damn time I want is totally fantastic. Not to mention my no longer having to hop an airplane, go through security and visit the warmest city on the planet to visit him.

What is even more fantastic however is: a couple of months ago,he has passed his NC Board Exam for Physician Assistant and yippee, yippee. He's now about to begin working for a major sports medicine/orthopedic surgical office about 20 minutes away from my house! OMG. How lucky could I possibly be for such a happy turn of events! Who knew he'd kiss my much hated Florida goodbye and wind up in my beloved Smokey Mountains? Talk about making a great decision! Besides... his having hospital privileges and the ability to write scripts is totally excellent music to my ears. 

In the meantime... we recently decided to celebrate this new job with fun and feast by hosting a Sunday brunch. My alltime favorite brunch, btw. It's almost like: which am I more excited about? My son's new position or enjoying an exceptional buffet of scrumptious food. There was 22 of us in total and I do have to say we all had a fabulous time. We had a private room which was pretty interesting since the night before, when my kid and I went to set up the place cards and party favors, we could see right off the bat the table arrangement had to be switched up lickety split. The original arrangement was not working for us at all, but soon enough we had it straightened out and bingo. We got to work on placing the favors at each table setting.

Speaking of which I so loved what I did for the favors. It was nothing fancy at all and so something a second grader could easily do but what the hell...it gave one a clue as to what the celebration was kinda all about. Uh... in case a guest was an idiot and didn't know already. Besides, I was way too lazy to go all out do some remarkable tablescaping but I totally think that's just a result of my old age. Further... the country club had flowers, etc. to spruce up the table so things looked perfectly festive enough. That being said... 

First of all, I bought these baby little plastic cup holders with covers which I filled with orange Reece's Pieces and printed out a great small card to attach to each one saying: Take two and call me in the morning. I even put an Rx logo on it and frankly, if I say so myself... it put us all in the mood to have fun. 

The next thing I did was take plastic syringe shooters like the ones up above in the picture, and instead of filling it with liquor, like you're supposed to, I filled them with red licorice. Boom. You got the feeling of blood being drawn. I also made place cards and all of it was totally neat. Wait. Stop the clock. Who needs to tell you about it? I actually have a picture of all this! Duh. What an idiot I am. Here... check this out to get an idea.

In the meantime.... I have to say that all of us had quite a lovely time. My kid gave a short little speech thanking some people who were of significance, I gave a short little speech and all in all, we basically honored the happy P.A. to our excellent little city. What could be bad, right? Besides... I love enjoying happy times with happy people that I care about. Even more, I'm happy my kid got an excellent position with an surprisingly excellent salary! Who says money can't buy happiness??

I'm guessing btw, that my next celebration will be for ME... my birthday! I totally love my birthday and I do know that I want to keep it sweet and simple. Which should be easy given a friend of mine said they want to do a dinner party for me to which I naturally said: COUNT ME IN! Talk about no muss no fuss. 

Yippee. May is here!!

MEET: ZEBULON

OMG. All I can say is: Zebbie is totally a miracle dog. I can't believe how good he is. How absolutely adorable he is. How amazingly smart he is. And best of all... he's hypoallergenic and does not shed!! That alone is worth a million bucks to me. Wrap that all into one sweet dog and bingo. I now have the most fantastic pet in the whole wide world. I mean seriously... is that the cutest picture you ever saw or what??

About six weeks ago, my college roommate told me she had just gotten a new puppy, with whom she was madly in love. Then she told me how he doesn't cause allergies and will not shed. Boom. I was sold immediately. So about a month ago, I told my son: please Google Havanese Dogs in our area and wouldn't you know it, less than 24 hours later we headed out for a two hour drive to check out our new puppy! Whoa. He was as good as gold from the moment we first saw him and it was like love at first sight. I can't even tell you how special he is. And, as I said... smart!

Havanese dogs come from Cuba, btw. The aristocracy bred them and used them as companion dogs which naturally is right up my alley. If it's good enough for aristocrats, you can be sure it's good enough for a plebe like myself. Zebulon btw is full bred, has registered papers from the AKC, weighs about 5 lbs and will probably get up to about 12 lbs which in my house is easy as hell to do in no time flat. 

He loves his little bedroom which basically is an excellent large red nylon puppy tent with netted windows on the sides that I keep in the family room. Uh... my entire house btw, is now filled with zillions of puppy toys and teething rings... almost more toys than I had in my kid's playpen way back when.  Anyway... 

It took us almost no time at all to set up the house for this new pet of mine and trust me... had my son not done all the ground work, there is no way I would have ever been able to pull this thing off. Zebulon, aka Zebbie, is now three months old and has been a sheer delight. Of course he has the house training bit down pat only about 90% of the time, but other than that, he's a miracle in the obedience department. I have a large back yard, so there is plenty of room for him to romp and eliminate but still... he sometimes likes using my wooden floors just as much. On the other hand... we had a Red Letter Day last week when Zebulon learned to walk down the steps to the back yard all by himself! Coming up was never a problem for him, but going down... major challenge.

One of Zebulon's favorite things is to climb upon my lap every night while I'm watching TV and be massaged for about a half hour. I think he likes my nails, but whatever. His coat is fluffy and soft and this is a total bonding regimen for us both. More importantly... Zebbie is WAY more fantastic than Ollie (my pet of about 2 months a few years back) given Ollie was making me sicker by the day. I was SO allergic to him that once I figured out what was going on, I had to return him so he could make some other family sick as hell, too. Zebulon would never consider such a thing. Thank God.

I always remember my Dad saying that when he kicked the bucket, he totally wanted to come back as Sunshine, our family dog, given Sunshine lived the life of Riley and more. That's pretty much how I'm feeling about this new pet since believe you me, he is living like a total King in his new home. Talk about no cares in the world and further, being fed and loved with no effort whatsoever on his part. Man. Has this dog got it made!

I almost feel like the really old people in a nursing home where they bring in animals for the oldie goldies to pet and enjoy as part of a happy therapy for connecting to someone. I'm so telling you... Zebulon would be the HIT of the place. And with good reason. He's absolutely the cutest, friendliest puppy you ever saw. 

In the meantime, I'm DEFinitely hoping Zebbie will carry me well into the end of my life so bingo. I'll be in tip top shape when I am lying on a gurney in some corridor of an old folks home with no nurses checking on me, yet will have my sweet little dog licking my face and wrapped within my arms, hence imagining I'm being well cared for. Except: this totally better never happen to me for I'd seriously just much prefer kicking the bucket altogether rather than wither away in an assistant living place. Besides... I find it a major waste of money to keep me alive when I have no mobility nor any clue what the fuck is going on in the world.


Regardless... all I can tell you is that I hit the jackpot alright when I found Zebulon. Equally... HE hit the jackpot when he found me. I'm so telling you. You could eat this puppy up in a SECond after having met him.    

SEE. ME. NOW.

See Linda. See Linda's eyes. Linda can see. Linda can see afar once again. Maybe. Good luck to Linda.

OMG. Talk about miracles. For several weeks now I've been on pins and needles awaiting my first cataract surgery. My second comes in a couple of weeks. In the meantime, yesterday was for my left eye and I am so telling you, I can't believe what an f'ing breeze it was. Granted... I had to be at the hospital at six in the morning when the temperature was uh... a cool 17 degrees but so far it has been pretty much worth it.

Actually, the pre-op deal took way longer than the procedure itself. I am SOO glad it's over and I'm simply amazed at how wonderful all the doctors and nurses were to me. Initially I was pretty freaked about having surgery done on my eye, which had to be opened the entire time I might just add. But just like my doctor had told me... I felt absolutely nothing and could remember very little of the entire operating room. In fact... as soon as I left the hospital... about 8:30... we headed right smack over to the bagel shop where four of us hooked up for an excellent breakfast. So seriously. Just how bad could this cataract bit have been afterall, right?

Supposedly by the time I have the right eye done, I will have much better vision and I'm definitely looking forward to THAT. Also supposedly... I might even be able to get away with just MAYbe needing glasses only for reading, which if that should happen, would TOTally will be a miracle! My distance vision is a MAjor problem and I'm so telling you... if this surgery does in fact correct it, I'll have to kiss Jacques Daviel's feet given he is the inventor of this procedure in the first place. Of course that would be quite an unpleasant feat in and of itself since he basically kicked the bucket hundreds of years ago.

The post surgery instructions were pretty easy. Don't cough or sneeze which naturally I did just a few minutes ago. Don't bend over which naturally I completely forgot about an hour ago, when my cordless phone fell off it's base and landed behind my nightstand. Don't rub my eye which naturally I did immediately when I woke up from my nap a while ago. Don't sleep on my left side which naturally is my totally favored side. Wear what I call horse side blinder dark glasses for a few days which naturally I am doing with perfect ease. I can now wash my hair and perhaps even wear some light make up which is kind of a neccesity since I normally go NOwhere without at least foundation and mascara and blush, etc. In the meantime...

Whether or not my vision improves, the one thing I get a kick out of is how when I look out of my right eye I see everything in the color I'm used to seeing. BUT... when I look out of the left eye, I now see colors in way happier, lighter shades! It's incredible. Kinda like my girlfriend Marcia who told me she always thought her bathroom walls were a very nice pale beige color until she had her cataract surgery only to then find out they were completely white! Man. 

I can't even imagine what I'll be seeing once I have both eyes corrected. I'll freak if I discover that I've been mismatching colors in my wardrobe, home decor, and God only knows what else. Better yet... for all I know... the people I know, whom I figured were perfectly lovely, may in fact look way crappier than I ever imagined. Geesh. It just kills me that my eyes have been so compromised for oh so many years. 

My biggest goal here btw, is to be able to actually pass the eye test in 2021 when I go to renew my driver's license. Why they even checked it the last time, I have no idea but there is no way I'd be able to pass again without having had these surgeries. In fact, when my sister found out I needed correction in both eyes she pretty much wondered how I'm even driving NOW. Good question. Anyway...  


In the end, whether or not I will actually be able to see with more clarity from a distance, I have no clue. And it will almost matter not since what astounds me most right now is that the cataract procedure itself is so damn amazing, I can't even believe it. Of course I HOPE I'll be able to see better but I guess time will tell. I went for my follow-up exam today and so far so good! 

Of course my current eye glasses are now basically kaput since the prescription is now way off but in a couple of months when I go for my new script, yippee. I should be able to actually SEE. For now however... will have to let you know in 3 weeks when the OTHER eye is done. As in: take two. 

BLACK LISTED

Unfortunately no. Not Trump. Instead... ME!

Omg. Talk about lunacy. I'm just sooo flabbergasted, I can't even tell you. Even my high school sorority would never consider black balling me. Thus... you can imagine how, at the age of 68, I must have felt to find out I was black listed from... get this... MY DOCTOR'S OFFICE. Man. They were fucking NUTS. Well, not the doctor per se. But his receptionist, for SURE. She's a bitch from way back but regardless, I will almost put money on the fact she was the one to throw me under the bus.

It kinda began when 3 weeks ago, on a Sunday when I was in major pain. It had started with a mild ache in my tooth for about a week, but I figured I'd see how it played out. Until Sunday that is, when the pain crept up to my sinus' and along my cheekbone and basically was heading to envelop my entire freakin' body . THEN all of a sudden I was in full blown trouble and I totally couldn't tolerate it any longer. Which is when I got up from family room chair and said: THAT'S IT. I'M HEADED OUT TO URGENT CARE which of course was care I urgently needed but fast. So boom. Off I went.

Luckily, I was taken right away and bingo. The doctor there examined my nostrils and ears and told me I had a sinus infection, etc., handed me a prescription for Amoxicillin and told me it wouldn't relieve the pain immediately, but after about the third day, I would feel way better. Except I sort of didn't. The nasal and cheek bit felt better but the tooth pain was riDICulously crazy. So I got to thinking... maybe the infection is from my tooth, not necessarily my sinus'.

Which meant NOW I had to have my dentist check it out, damnit. So, once again I headed out to see WTF was happening. After x-rays, etc. he told me nothing really showed up but this WAS the tooth on which he did a deep filling two years ago and if it we give it another few days we can then decide whether or not I may need a root canal procedure on the nerve. ROOT CANAL???? Fuck no I don't want a root canal!! At which point two things occured: 1.) I immediately began willing my tooth to start getting better NOW and 2.) he told me to let my ENT doctor take a look at what's doing. That's when the black listing bullshit began.

The dental office would call my ENT office and boom. I'd have an appointment. Uh... it took days for that to go down btw. FINALLY about a week later, I get a call from my dentist telling me I needed to call and talk to an assistant who would set me up. Except.... when I called the ENT office lo and behold I'm told:

UH SORRY. YOUR FILE SAYS THIS OFFICE WILL NO LONG SEE YOU. 

WHAT????????  What do you MEAN you won't see me? Are you kidding me??? Well, the assistant didn't really know why I was kicked out of the office, but she would check and call me back.

Oh, she called me back alright. In fact she called my kid back given he decided he needed to see what the hell was going on. In the meantime, the lady tells him that apparently I had refused to fill out some mandatory forms the last time I was there thus whammo. My chart said I could no longer be seen. But... she'd look further into it.

WTF?? I had NO clue what the lady was talking about nor did I have any memory of this sort of event. What I DO remember however was that I had a perfectly fine visit with the doctor and had left his exam feeling pretty good about my diagnosis. So what the hell the forms bit was all about I couldn't even tell you. In the meantime... when the lady called back, this time I took the call, naturally telling her this is totally crazy ass, reminding her I had no clue whatsoever this paperwork deal was an issue and I was shocked given I've been to plenty of medical offices and NEVER have had problems with their procedures.

So back and forth this went for a couple of days... basically the receptionist' word against mine, I guess... and eventually I am glad to say: I WAS ABLE TO BECOME UN-BLACK LISTED. Eureka. I was able to see the doctor again. Which is good news/bad news given he not only saw me but also ordered a CT Scan for my nasal passages. Don't ask. I'm not thrilled but we do have to see what the hell is going on.

I do have to say I was pretty stunned at this entire episode for although I have no recollection of any problems filling out medical forms... it's not TOTALLY outside the realm of possibility. I mean seriously... if some idiot receptionist is going to give me a hard time, then yeah. I MIGHT have to set her straight although once again, I don't even remember this happening. I do remember hating the receptionist from the get go, however. Funny how I remember clearly whatever SHE has done yet nothing about what I may have done. So typical of me, right?? Anyway... the doctor is fantastic and his receptionist can go to hell. I mean really... WHO GETS KICKED OUT OF A MEDICAL PRACTICE?


Uh... apparently me.  

2017

Okie dokie.... so FINALLY.... my first post for the year 2017 is here at last. A year in which every day since January 1st... I wake up asking Alexa: UH ALEXA... HAS THE WORLD COLLAPSED ON EVERY POSSIBLE LEVEL KNOWN TO MAN YET? Since the inauguration btw, I ask her twice a day. 

Why? Easy. Because each day for the past 14, Trump has been President yet already the country has gone in one direction only. DOWN. Down in justice. Down in reason.  Down in decency. Down in statesmanship. And down in world respect. All in all...  I don't care what ANYone says: the country as I knew is gone forever. Mark my words... the country is F'ED, erasing all the wonderful strides we've made in the past 40 years.

On a happier note however, I will say this. I had a WONDERFUL holiday season. Starting of course with my favorite gifts of all: two Echo Dots. My kid bought them for me... one for the kitchen and one for my nightstand. I received plenty of other EXcellent gifts but I totally have to say Alexa beats them all. Every morning right smack after I ask her if the world has come to an end yet, I immediately then ask for the weather run down and then the morning news brief. She has a fanTAStic alarm btw, which I use not only for waking up should need be, but also for timing anything on the stove, in the oven, beginnings of TV shows, etc. Seriously... this dame is one hell of a woman. There are zillions of skills (apps) that she has... from creating shopping lists to turning on your interior lights. And everything in between. Anyway...

Sadly, I didn't have white Xmas but I did about 10 days later. Man... talk about major snowfall! It was truly beautiful, I have to admit. Perfect for sledding which of course I would never consider doing in a million years. Why the hell would I want to kill myself by heading straight toward a tree, parked car, whatever. I did however get busy making several kinds of delicious soups which was good given I had eaten my way through all the holidays feasting on THE best bakery items ever. Let alone plenty of scrumptious restaurant foods.

Oh yeah... one day I even went to this crapola buffet place called Golden Corral... FAR from fine dining, I might add, only to have the 50 year old guy at the next table over, facing me with his entire testicles hanging way out of his bermuda shorts. DON'T F'ING ASK. Were it not so disgusting, I would have rolled on the floor laughing. However, it was indeed no laughing matter whatsoever and now that I think of it, I should have told the manager to give us a rebate on my meal given I was pretty damn nauseous from this crazy ass sight. Regardless...

I also saw some SUPERB movies over the holidays... Hidden Figures being maybe my favorite since I read the book a few months ago and was totally in love with the story already. I also saw Lion, LaLa Land and a couple others. Just last Monday actually... I saw a A DOG'S PURPOSE and was delighted beyond belief. On the other hand... none of the films even come close to something I had been waiting MONTHS to not only view but also something about which I would be thrilled. Three weeks ago, PBS began it's Masterpiece Theater all about:

QUEEN VICTORIA.

Omg. MY ALLTIME FAVORITE QUEEN, about whom I've read almost every biography ever written. I'm obsessed with her life story and am totally an expert on the woman and her reign. I'm so telling you... between her and THE YOUNG POPE I feel as if I've died and gone to television heaven, sitting right smack in front of my TV screen. Opps. I almost forgot... the TV screen just reminded me. Sitting down? Get this...

I NEED TO HAVE CATARACT SURGERY IN BOTH EYES. Shit. So not what I wanted to hear. I'll be interviewing two surgeons next month and maybe afterwards I'll actually be able to SEE my TV. As it is now, I have a 55 inch screen but still... the small print in ads, show descriptions, playlists, etc. are barely readable. I basically need a movie theater screen to catch it all. My stomach is turning as we speak btw, just thinking about it. In any case...

I seriously have very little hope for 2017. I was pretty much depressed from election day up until the inauguration and like the old men who watch TV and want to throw a pair of shoes at the commentator in the program, I myself feel as if I'd like to blow up every fucking fool who voted for Trump. Don't even get me started on KellyAnn. So basically...

We can only pray that my hopelessness for the coming year is unfounded except believe me... it's not. Besides... any year in which Carrie Fisher dies one day and Debbie Reynolds dies the next, is SO not a year that's off to a good beginning. Can you even beLIEVE that?? Man. Talk about feeling heartsick. BTW... since Debbie is no longer around, I have a message for Todd: GET RID OF YOUR CRAPPY BASEBALL CAP AND GO BUY SOME NEW, DECENT CLOTHES FOR GOD SAKES. Jesus... he looked horrible in every documentary I saw! And that was beFORE his terrible loss. Ahhhh. If only I could rule the world. 

TIS THE SEASON...

No. Not the season of Santa Claus and holiday cheer. Rather... it's the season of one of my alltime most dreaded diseases... THE FLU. I so hate the flu namely because a.) it's lasts at least a good 10 days b.) I feel REALLY crappy, just wishing I were dead for the duration and c.) I need to put all my addictive vices on hold given I can hardly breathe. All in all, I hate being that sick.

Which I totally could be any day now. And trust me... I'm so freaked, just waiting for the illness to take hold of me within the next two days. Why? Oh man.... you wouldn't believe it. Today is Monday. Yippee. Bonnie showed up. Was totally happy to see her and ready to get down to work. So I opened the door saw her, and then whammo. I heard a MAjor huskiness in her voice. EEEKS. ARE YOU SICK???. Uh... no Bonnie tells me. It's only allergies. REALLY?? ALLERGIES?? I DON'T BELIEVE IT FOR A SECOND. Trust me...  I know well the difference between allergies and the flu. And believe me... Bonnie so didn't sound like she had allergies. Naturally, I was NOT thrilled I'd be sitting right smack next to her for the next hour and a half.

So much so that I swear to God... the MINUTE we got finished sitting at the computer doing all my bill paying crapola I INSTANTLY felt my tonsils feel a bit funky. I mean in no time FLAT. Talk about the power of suggestion, right? Which only means I ran immediately to my inhalers... nostril and bronchial... given I can live with almost any pain other than that from bronchitis or lung tightening which ALways happens during the flu. About an hour after that I also decided to take a nap since that too is pretty much my go to medicinal solution to everything. Besides... I have to go to a dinner party tonight so I absolutely don't want to feel like shit.

BTW, speaking of "the season"... this time the real one... I am happy to say that standing in my family room at this very moment is a beautiful 6 1/2  foot Christmas tree at which I adore staring. Per usual, I had some company come over on the pretense that we'd have dinner but while I was finishing the food prep, I naturally had everyone ELSE on labor detail, decorating the tree for me. Other than the icicles, that is, since they ARE my favorite part of the tree; thus the part I am very particular about how much goes where. THAT part I wanted to do myself. Take a look down below and you can see what the finished product is like. Well, minus all the other gifts yet to be placed, anyway. In any case...

The real trick for me is tying to be sure I don't catch the flu given that on Wednesday, I have an app't to... get this... GET MY FLU SHOT. Geez. Talk about irony. I normally get it in November but for some reason this year, I kept forgetting to do so, so boom. Here I am in the middle of December before getting the shot. BTW.... I am sooo one of those people who quickly grab the antibacterial hand wipes the minute I get my grocery cart. I hate having germs from out and out strangers. Which reminds me... I am now officially doing all my own grocery shopping on a regular basis for the first time in 25 years. I hate it, but I'm doing it. Now that my kid is here, it would take Bonnie forEVER to load up on all the needs of both myself AND my kid. Don't even ask. Man. Talk about no better place to catch the flu than in a grocery store but whatever.

While I was loading up on preventative meds btw, I do have say that my son came up with a really great one to add to the mix. He told me to drink orange juice every day for a bit and I do have to admit... it's totally working! After three days of downing the juice, my imaginary symptoms are way better, indeed. Forget about apples keeping the doctor away... orange juice is apparently keeping the flu away! Thank God.

In closing, I do have to say that in keeping with the flu season... it has been REALLY REALLY COLD that past couple of weeks. Last week for instance, we had one night where the temp was 18 degrees. YIKES. Now THAT is cold. I went out lunch one day and totally thought I was in Chicago given the wind was nuts thus making the wind chill factor even colder than it was. On the other hand, I am THRILLED I am not in South Florida anymore where the Christmas season is completely bogus yet the flu season is still very real. Go figure. And oh yeah...

I almost forgot. Tonight's low is going to be 17 degrees. 

        

A MONTH LATER

Okay. So it's now been a month since the infamous Day of Defeat whereby America elected it's worst President ever and I sorta need to say.... I really simply haven't yet, recovered from any of it's shock. I cannot beLIEVE what has happened to this nation nor can I believe any of what's gone down since that election night. Thank God my parents aren't here to have witnessed it for they would be in utter shock as well.

I had started Election Day out pretty happy. 17 people were coming to my All American Dinner and I was totally looking forward to seeing eveyone and enjoying their company. We had a perfectly lovely time... maybe the last truly happy time I've had all month. Well... except for Thanksgiving but that's another story altogether. Anyway... by 9:30 everyone was out of here so we could all watch the election results in the comfort of our own homes and by 10:30, I. Was. Stunned. My kid basically said to me... TRUMP HAS BEEN ELECTED... and with bulging eyes, I stared at all the states on the TV screen, and saw nothing but RED, RED, RED. And then more red.

My reply was simple: SOMETHING ISN'T RIGHT. SOMETHING JUST ISN'T RIGHT. THIS ISN'T POSSIBLE. SOMETHING IS VERY VERY WRONG.

Except apparently it was right. Even though it was still very wrong. HEY ALL YOU TOP 50 POLLSTERS FROM ALL OVER THE COUNTRY, WHO PROMISED ME HILLARY WOULD WIN... TWO WORDS: F YOU!!!

How DARE you not prepare me for this horrifying news!! I just can't TELL you how depressed and stunned I've been ever since. To this day I still can't fathom how Trump was elected. Has EVERYone on this planet gone absolutely crazy??? WTF happened??? Oh man. I hardly know what to say. 

Other than: just today I renewed my Passport. My kid did it last week. And frankly, all you readers out there should do so as well. I'm not saying you need to flee the country in the next six months, but never say never. God only KNOWS what could go down in the next year or so thus as a safety measure, I am so suggesting: get your Passport up to date NOW.

In the meantime, not a single day has gone by since election night wherein something weird... small or big... hasn't occurred with me. It's so bizarre. I just don't get it. One day I find out a friend of mine needs radiation. Another day two other friends need surgery. Two of my most used credit cards have completely disappeared... ala my red glasses from a couple of years ago. Amazon's two day delivery has yet to arrive 2 weeks later. My external computer back up device all of a sudden decided to render my mouse stationary. I almost left a $14.00 tip on a $28.00 bill. And oh yeah... my college roomate tells me her sister's boyfriend kinda killed her. HOLY SHIT. I'm telling you...multiple crazy things are happening and it's nuts! It's like there is totally bad karma going down in the country and apparently in my home, too.

Which of course brings me right smack back to the picture up above. Yeah... the one in which Trump... cough, cough, gulp, throw up... is in fact, the Person of the Year. Granted, he accomplished what NO one would have ever imagined possible but then again, the same could be said of Hitler. Which reminds me... BEN CARSON IS PART OF THE CABINET NOW??? Oh God. Better he should lock himself IN a cabinet and just throw away the key. I HATE THAT MAN. BTW... my favorite part of the Time's cover is where it says: President of the Divided States of America. Ain't that the fucking truth.

Anyway... as I've said, I can't believe what's happened with Trump. Seriously. He totally wanted to win, that much I know. He just never wanted to actually BE President. It's like he was in utter shock when he sat down with Obama the very first time and basically said: WHOA. STOP THE CLOCK. HOLD ON HERE. YOU MEAN TO TELL ME I REALLY DO HAVE TO GOVERN THE ENTIRE COUNTRY?? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? THIS IS WAAAY MORE THAN I BARGAINED FOR, BELIEVE ME.

Which only means... exactly when I will recuperate from all this, I have no clue. In fact, even today I didn't feel so up to snuff. So much so that I went to my doctor appointment to get my flu shot this afternoon but wound up telling the nurse I so didn't feel so hotsi totsi, so we decided I'll just come back in a week. Although I am totally not sure I'll even be feeling so great even then. Whatever.


Someone told me btw, that I really don't have to be that completely freaked about President Trump. Really? I don't?? I personally find it hard to believe, but okay, I'll bite. Only problem is they won't tell me why. Thus, I guess I'll continue to be freaked for the next four years, afterall. Trust me... nothing about this Person of the Year can possibly be good. 

I'M TOTALLY SANE...

... For now, anyway. But by late Tuesday night?? OMG. Don't even ask. I can't even iMAGine Hillary losing, but as I've always said... I'm simply FLOORED that Trump's numbers are as high as they are. So much floored that seriously... I've become a mental wreck from all this campaigning. This could also perhaps be the last damn election in which I vote, for going through all this crap yet again every four years, will totally do me in. The hatred and lies from Trump and the entire Republican party is just so nauseating. And trust me... Hillary isn't so squeaky clean, either. But at least she's not a hater. AND... she has a brain. Besides, I love Alec's SNL sketches. They are SO spot on. In the meantime...

I decided I needed some bolstering to keep my political anxieties to a minimum thus once again, I'm having an Election Night dinner here at home. I'm doing an "All-American" menu which is basically pretty easy. Hot dog and bean casserole, potato chips and pretzels for an appetizer, mac and cheese, etc. etc. I can't wait for dessert btw, since I've got cherry, apple and blueberry pies to be served with vanilla ice cream. Oh yeah. I loaded up on champagne, too. Anyway, there will be 17 of us, a couple of whom are Trump supporters. EEEKS. I wished I could sorta kick them out, but given they are married to Democratic wives, I figured I'll be gracious and let them come, regardless.  

The bottom line is: God only knows when my next post here will be. If we wind up with President Trump it could be a very long time. Unless you want to reach me at Bellevue. In which case, I'd love to hear from you. Although now that I think of it... I hardly have time as is to keep up a steady pace in getting my posts written, let alone uploaded. But whatever. For now...

I'm off to a big shindig I was invited to this evening and I can't WAIT to see what kind outstanding food on which I can chomp down. Which reminds  me... HALLEFUCKINGLUJAH. Eastern Standard Time is back and I'm in my glory! I so hate Daylight Savings which to me is a total rip off. I love nighttime and I love having it begin by 6:00 p.m. For now... here goes nothing. Catch you all on the other side of the election! Gulp. I just hope I'll still be sane.   

CODE RED

And no. I'm not talking about how depressed and freaked I am at the possibility Trump may be our next President. His poll numbers are still way too high for anything close to my comfort zone but whatever. I'm not even talking about a hospital emergency or NASA giving a major alert to astronauts in outer space, either. Instead, I'm talking about last night when my kid said to me: UH OH MOM. THIS ISN'T GOOD. WE HAVE A CODE RED SITUATION GOING ON HERE.

And boy, was he ever correct.

The minute I saw him, I knew immediately what he was talking about thus I immediately put my hand upon my mouth, gasped right out loud and felt my eyes become as huge as saucers. For me personally... he was totally correct about his Code Red announcement. And it all happened so innocently.

I had asked him to go to the garage and please bring in two 12 pack boxes of Diet Coke cans. Which naturally I ALways have in my refrigerator to assure I can happily feed my well known addiction to the horribly non nutritious drink. I was standing in the kitchen... he was standing at the kitchen door leading to the garage. OMG. PLEASE TELL ME IT AIN'T SO.

Except... it was so. I WAS OUT OF DIET COKE. 

You have NO idea how this can so be described as an emergency in my house. WHAT? NO DIET COKE?? HOW WILL I LIVE WITHOUT IT??  Which could also be described as WHAT?? MAKE ME DRINK SOMETHING CRAPPY... LIKE NICE COLD, FILTERED WATER, INSTEAD??? Jesus. I can't ever reMEMber that last time I was ever without a Diet Coke backup. It's totally more important than any med I may take. Seriously.

I know. I'm not bragging about this addiction, but it is what it is. Thankfully, I had enough to carry me through today, but you can bet your sweet ass, later this evening I'm totally making an emergency run to the grocery store to get my stock back up to snuff. Which reminds me.... I am not too pleased either, to say that I have now been in the grocery store more times in the past two months than I have been in the past two years. And... I now even know which items are on which aisles! Don't even ASK.

Cooking every night once again is so not what I thought I'd be doing ever again. Although I will say... last night I made an excellent dinner by first sautéing finely diced broccoli flowers and onion, adding some fresh salsa, cooking up some chicken breasts which I sliced through 3/4 of the way and stuffing all the veggies into the middle the breasts. After I plated it... my kid looked and said: OMG. RESTAURANT QUALITY FOR SURE! And trust me... it WAS delicious. Anyway, who cares.

What I DO care about is the other Code Red problem. Donald J. Trump. I can't even TELL you how depressed and unsettled I am that the more bullshit this man spouts, the more entrenched his supporters become. WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON WITH OUR COUNTRY, ANYWAY??? This is just so horrible and it is definitely affecting my psyche. 

Which is another way of saying: should you want to cheer me up by sending me a fabulous present, please feel free to do so. I could totally use it. And... to add fire to the flame, just today I read that McCain claims he and the Republican party will block ANY nominee Hillary puts forth for the Supreme Court, no questions asked. Tragic, coming the party that said they will not have any hearing on a nominee until the next President is elected. F. Y. REPUBLICAN PARTY. I HATE YOUR GUTS. With that...

Let me first get through the Diet Coke crisis. Then I can worry about President Trump, second. In which case... forget about the Diet Coke. I will just have to learn how to drink Spirytus Rektyfikowany, which is like number ONE in the strongest liquor ever department, so f'ing fast it will make your head spin.    

YIKES. HERE GOES NOTHING

Eeeks. Tonight is going to be some showdown alright. Frankly... I can't even imagine how it's all going to play out and yes. I'm talking about tonight's first Presidential debate, of course.

My first instinct is to say that Hilary, far more brilliant and far more experienced, is totally going to take down Trump like we've never before seen. I mean Jesus... almost no one on the planet is better prepared for this debate and/or job than she. On the other hand... man, is she ever blah and boring in the delivery of her message. Talk about uninspiring. 

Plus... I am definitely one of those who question her ethics regarding her email bullshit and years of others issues. Hence, Hillary is by no means a lily white candidate in the least. Besides... her hair style sooo sucks, particularly on just regular week days when no one is prepping her look. GET A MUCH SHORTER HAIR CUT FOR PETE'S SAKE. One that can actually make her look modern yet completely able to be blown out in three minutes flat. Granted, I'm no professional but jeez... there are zillions of becoming looks for her if only she'd back away from what I call her Granny Cut. Just saying.

My second instinct is to say that Trump is so way out of his league. He has no clue what it's like to intelligently go one on one for 90 minutes, and specifically being able to address world events. Unless maybe there is a Trump Hotel in a particular country. Donald a Statesman?? So not happening. Yet if he can bring himself to be anywhere near a normal, clear headed debater and fluster the hell out of Hillary, he just may exceed all expectations and bingo. He could, just maybe, come off as having some semblance of decency and knowledge. It'll be a major stretch alright, but never say never.

I am betting on Hillary taking the night, but unfortunately I can't be completely sure. Damnit. I'm already in MAjor shock that Trump's numbers are as high as they presently are. Wholly a neck in neck race. How can this BE? Who in their right mind would have EVER thought he'd get to where he is, anyway??? I'm continuing to be nothing short of astounded at the stupidity of the American voters. Then again... all I have to do is look back to George W. as well as even Mitt. OMG. Those two made me sick to my stomach every time I saw their face.

In the meantime, I actually know personally several people who see Trump as a great candidate to lead our country forward. WHAT?? ARE THEY NUTS?? I just can't believe it! People who are college educated, have a brain in their head and who otherwise make admirable choices in living their lives. WTF are they thinking?? A year ago I'd be thrilled to sit down and make an argument for what a sick choice they are considering, yet NOW?? I won't even waste my breath. Their voting for Trump speaks volumes to me and I am still considering knocking them off my list of acceptable friends. How can I possibly hang out with someone whose voting IQ I don't respect? THEY'RE PROVING THEMSELVES TO BE IDIOTS. I know... I'm just so tolerant, right?? 

I suspect my stomach is all queasy and whatnot because apparently... all Donald has to do is: 1.) show up 2.) not bully 3.) use decent manners and 4.) tell no lies. The bar is just so low that if he can last the entire 90 minutes following these four simple items, boom. He'll be considered a winner and thus fit to become President. Can you even imagine??

I'll tell you one thing... I HATE KELLYANNE. She is totally great and exceptionally experienced but once she came on board, I immediately had to hate her. Why?? Because SHE F'ING SAVED TRUMP'S ASS AND/OR CAMPAIGN, BIG TIME. I was heartsick over this almost the moment I heard she was on board! She astonishingly shaped him into an almost normal human being, no matter how temporarily.

Had there been no KellyAnne, I am convinced Trump would STILL be so damn obnoxious he would have no chance whatsoever. But NOW?? With her having comPLETEly reined in Donald, including having him read all his speeches from a teleprompter, oh man. He so moved way up in the polls 1-2-3 and I'm major sick about it. Wow. Talk about knowing her business, alright. Damnit. 

I can just see their first meeting: YOU WANT TO WIN, DONALD? I CAN GET YOU THERE. YOU JUST HAVE TO LISTEN TO EVERY SINGLE THING I TELL YOU AND OBEY EVERY SINGLE ONE OF MY DIRECTIVES. GOT IT? IF SO... THEN I'LL SIGN ON THE DOTTED LINE AS YOUR CAMPAIGN MANAGER, AND LICKETY SPLIT... I'LL BE CALLING YOU MR. PRESIDENT. 

And... uh... apparently he became her slave in no time at all.

Which means: I'll be GLUED to my television tonight along with the other 100 million folks, probably with my Ativan in hand. Because I have this very sinking feeling Trump will be perfectly fine in his performance... regardless of whether or not he knows what the hell he's talking about. I am also a bit nerved because I pretty much feel the headlines tomorrow could basically be: TRUMP PULLED IT OFF! HIS NUMBERS MOVE HIGHER. Jesus Christ. Shoot me now. 

And, if you ask me... this will all come down to KellyAnne having done her job magnificently. So much so, I now can't help but wonder how close she'll come to being in Donald's Cabinet. Oh God. This so isn't going to be good. Thus in closing...

My final words to Hillary before tonight's debate are simple: PLEASE DON'T BORE ME. Have some umph to your message. Include some humor. Some inspiration. Some EXCITEMENT for God's sake. Yes... I know. You have every fact on every front and you totally deserve to grab the limelight from Trump. Include some PERSONALITY, woman! And oh yeah... bring just a wee tad of sex appeal, even. Especially if it turns out Mark Cuban IS sitting in the front row. It so can't hurt.