WHAT 68 LOOKS LIKE

So all I can tell you is: my birthday celebration was a major success. Let alone maybe one of my alltime favorite birthdays ever. Claudia totally did a magnificent job in dinner decor and dinner menu, which by the way, I had told her exactly what to serve. I know... kinda ballsy of me but I totally didn't want to head to the playhouse with too full a stomach. Turns out the sandwich fixings, mac and cheese, coleslaw, etc. was simply outSTANDING. T'was an easy menu alright but wow. Talk about elevating the feast. Oh yeah... the cake was beyond delicious.

Therefore I had an excellent evening even before we saw the play but man o man... after we all headed out to the playhouse, found our seats and settled into the play... rock and roll fire works began almost immediately. PHENOMENAL is all I can say. THEN... to make the evening even more spectacular, I walked outside after the show and lo and behold who should I see standing in front of me but... MY NIECE LAURA AND HER SON, ALEX... WITH A DOZEN YELLOW ROSES FOR ME!

I was beyond thrilled and comPLETEly surprised! I wished I had a picture of what my amazingly delighted face must have looked like. They had spent the day driving up from Boca to come visit for my birthday weekend and I can't even TELL you how happy their visit made me. Want to spend every moment laughing and having the best f'ing fun of your life?? Boom. Totally hook up with these two. You'll adore them. Anyway....

Up above you see what 68 looks like in the Land of Linda. Granted... I may look way worse compared to some others my age but then again... I could maybe also look way better than some of them too, so basically... the choice is yours. Being 68 is no picnic, btw. Yes. I'm pretty healthy and surrounded with lots of love, family and friends. BUT just you wait. 

For you too, will see that all those commercials on TV for all kinds of  medical and/or body issues and realize eeks... they are pretty much pointed right smack in your direction. I don't want to get graphic here so suffice it to say: everything from dry eyes to viagra, and everything in between, so will become part of your 68 year old radar, for sure. Your ears will immediately perk up, believe me, as TV kindly mentions every medicine you should probably be discussing with your doctor. Don't ask. But... that's the bad news.

The good news is: 68 is also a fantastic time in life to sleep late, stay up late, eat whenever/whatever the fuck you want, take happy lazy walks not worrying about "working out", play with friends anytime or all the time, relish every nap you want and basically just kinda figure out how you want to kill time each and every day. You also get to collect money from Social Security... best invention known to man, btw... you get to enjoy whatever hobby/exercise you love best, you get to enjoy your kids without having to "raise" them anymore and best of all you now have way more knowledge/wisdom than more than half the people in the entire country.

Of course there still are 68 year old idiots, but at this age you now never really have to deal with them, thank God. Kinda like: you simply get to say right smack into their face... you're totally out of your mind, so F.Y. In fact, I love that I now allow myself to actually hate assholie people with no remorse whatsoever. It's a rite of passage if you ask me and a rite I've happily embraced.

Ooops. Wait. There is one thing that totally sucks: having no clue what the hell to do regarding all the electronic devices now cramming our lives. THAT part of being old is a MAJOR pain in the ass. Were I under 40 for instance, I would understand everything my tv remote, smart phone and tablet can do. And how to fix it whenever it fucks up. Case in point: When my WiFi was recently updated, the guy synced it to all my wireless devices. Including my iPad. Only one problem however. The iPad now wants to recognize the Wifi only sporadically and I have no clue whatsoever how to correct this. Call AT&T? Call Apple? Call the kid down the street? WHAT?? I even went into Wifi settings but believe you me... it was a total mystery thus I don't even want to get inVOLVED with that crap. I'm too damn old.

In the meantime, I do have to say that everyone who knows me apparently has me pegged, alright. MY GIFTS WERE GREAT. Some years they've been so-so but I do have to say... THIS year everyone put excellent thought into what I am all about hence I got everything from a Google Play gift card to a stunning oversized rose colored gold watch. But again... the best present I received was the visit from Laura and Alex. I'm kinda pissed I don't have any pictures of the three of us btw, but yippee... I do have a couple from my celebration which you can see down below. In closing... I have to confess: turning 68 has pretty much been very good to me, thank God. Afterall... for all I know things can totally go all down hill from here on in. DEAR GOD: PLEASE LET MY MANY MORE BIRTHDAYS YET TO COME... NOT SUCK. THANK YOU GOD. AMEN.

And yes... every year I totally take my birthday wish VERY seriously. I don't care how long it takes me to complete it; the others simply have to wait until I finish it to my complete satisfaction. Only THEN can we chow down on delicious cake and ice cream. Which afterall, if you really want to know... is naturally the REAL reason I love my birthdays.

             

MAY = BIRTHDAY

Total yippee. This is my birthday week. Am pretty stoked about it, too. Here I am 68 years old and life has been pretty damn good, if I say so myself. Am thrilled I'm apparently not kicking the bucket any time soon by having some horrible disease. I'm also thrilled I can pretty much buy myself any damn present I want. Well... within reason, that is. And I'm certainly thrilled that my life is filled with wonderful family and friends. And to top it off, I'm thrilled with my birthday plans tomorrow!

To kick off the celebration, I got a box of DEEElious chocolate covered strawberries from my kid today along with an ecard they also sent. These strawberries are my alltime favorite and they are HUGE, as Donald likes to say. I've already downed two of them and have only had them for about 2 hours. What I loved best about the ecard btw, is that my son included a picture of us on the front, each wearing red framed glasses. His he probably ditched a long time ago by now but mine have fallen off the face of the earth as of a year and a half ago. I'm still heartsick over it but whatever.

I've invited 17 of my favorite girlfriends for a Girl's Night Out party. We will first start off with a simple dinner at Claudia's house where I will totally love my birthday cake for dessert. You have no idea how much I look forward to birthday cake each and every year! We'll have a fabulous time chit chatting, eating, maybe even getting soused for all I know. Then afterwards we'll mozey on over to the playhouse, which is not far, for THE best evening of rock 'n roll. You see that picture up above?

That's the play we're all going to see... a musical tribute of these 4 men. Elvis, Jerry Lee Lewis, Johnny Cash and Carl Perkins. The reviews have been fanTAStic and I'm SO looking forward to seeing this production! I can tell already I'll be singing every word to every song right smack out loud, meaning I'll probably ruin the music for everyone around me but I don't give a shit. I'm going to have FUN... much like Cyndi Lauper wants me to. Besides... I'm pretty much already a material girl, kinda like Madonna so perfectly depicted in her excellent song. Boom. Put the two together and next thing you know I'll be in my Birthday Glory. Anyway...

I'm pretty sure I've already mentioned this years ago but on every birthday I always wear an outfit of my favorite color... white... and this year will be no different. Believe me... I am dying to wear pale pink, but on the day of my birthday it totally has to be white. I already know which outfit I'll be too, and I'm going to love wearing it. Thank GOD the temps will be in the mid 60s which reminds me... the entire month of May so far has been so damn delightful it's more than I could have ever asked for. Three nights ago I even had the heat on for an hour! DEAR GOD: PLEASE LET THE WEATHER STAY THIS COOL RIGHT SMACK UP TO SEPTEMBER. THANK YOU GOD. AMEN. Regardless...

All I know is that who the hell can even imagine what next May could bring me, so it's pretty important that I celebrate every birthday like there's no tomorrow. God forbid. Which brings me to my last point: OMG. I'M GOING TO BE 68 F'ING YEARS OLD. I am STUNNED. Besides neither Bob nor Linda ever REACHED their 60s so every year is pretty important to celebrate, if you ask me. And... if you're in good health. And btw... when I turn 70?? Holy shit... I'll freak but PLENTY. Unless of course I look utterly fantastic in which case then yippee.

I never freaked out when I turned 40, 50 or 60. But 70?? Jesus. Now THAT'S moving on in years, for sure. That'll give me what? Another 10 years before I'm gone from the face of the earth forever?? Maybe even less for all I know?? Holy Mother F. 

What I do know is that whenever I'm sitting in some wheelchair, dribbling from my mouth, needing someone to feed me my birthday cake then THAT my friend is totally the time to call Dr. Kevorkian. If I can't feed myself french fries, cake and lobster then who even needs to celebrate anymore? Besides... even Cyndi and Madonna are looking older nowadays which is way too bad. I'd love to stay this age forever. If only.   

OK... SO THAT HAPPENED...

Wow. So what'd ya know. We now have a pretty crazed candidate for the Republican nominee in 2016. Although I do have to admit, I saw this coming from the very beginning, when actually, all my friends cringed in disgust and disbelief when first I spoke of this possibility way back in June. They totally thought I was out of my mind. My sister even yelled at me for even imagining the people of our country would EVER consider such a lunatic candidate.

Well guess what everybody. F.U. Because last night Trump got the last laugh. The exact kind of laugh I got when I first saw this painting of Trump, on the internet this morning. In fact... I even laugh now... hours and hours later. I'll probably keep on laughing each and every time I see this. Oh man... what can one even say when they see this? Other than I assume his member will be one of those that grows yet not shows. 

To me... this is just so, so funny.

Needless to say this was painted, and is actually hanging in a gallery in London. Apparently it was done by an Australian artist name Illma Gore. She titled it: Make America Great Again and is a direct take on what Rubio said in maybe his last debate about Trump's small hands signaling Trump's probable small dork. I SO LOVE THIS!

Illma is not a Trump supporter but still... it hasn't been easy for her. She got her face pretty banged up by someone who wasn't happy with her political expression in art and unfortunately the guy hasn't been found yet. Which is too bad given no one deserves to be physically attacked like this.

Besides... it's not Illma's fault our country has lost it's mind. Although I don't really fully blame our citizens, either. WTF did the Republican Congressmen THINK would happen when you no longer govern nor pass laws to help the people in our country create a better life? What did they THINK would happen when they are so partisan that they refused to pass ANYthing our President put before them? What did they THINK would happen when they wouldn't even have discussions with Obama's Supreme Court Nominee? 

Let alone listen to the constituents and allow gays to marry or women to have access to Planned Parenthood services? Or veto everything that MAY have had a chance to attract new, young voters? I mean seriously... for the past 7½ months Congress has done NOTHING. Yet they got paid mighty fine.

Hence... Hello Donald. Which of course brings me right smack back to this painting. The artwork as a standalone totally shows that the artist has talent. She's captured Trump pretty damn well although only Melania can vouch for the accuracy of the small penis that is depicted in the painting. 

I must say too... that having seen plenty of naked 69 year old men... her depiction of the rest of his body is pretty spot on. The lean, firm bodies of their youth is for the most part, gone. Pretty much like my own, now that I think of it. Trust me... aging is not for the young. But their time will come. One day they too, will look at their naked body and go: EEEKS. WTF HAPPENED TO ME?? Regardless....

I love this painting and am thrilled it's gone viral. On the other hand... I can only hope that Trump does not go to the Men's room and choose the urinal next to this rapper guy down below. Candidate or not... he will SO be jealous.

  

IN MY GLORY

Forget about Gloria Steinem. Gloria Estefan, too. Even Gloria Swanson or Allred. The only Gloria that matters in my book is Gloria Vanderbilt! OMG. What a woman. Seriously.

I never wore her jeans but you can be sure I adored her since my early 30s. Wealth, fame, and influence has always been my favorite go to attributes and believe you me Gloria V. has them all. Way before all the others did, too. I can not beLIEVE she is now 92. Who said money can't help extend life?

It was about 35 years ago that I first read POOR LITTLE RICH GIRL. Maybe even longer. Man did I love her tragic story. And of course her rise to fame. Gloria Vanderbilt has suffered more than any 15 people I can think of and still and all, she has come out it with such grace, such beauty and such dignity. Besides.... she is one of the wealthiest women in America and that alone perks my ears up but plenty. Yes, I'm totally jealous. Not only that... her kid is Anderson Cooper!

In the meantime Gloria was but 10 years old when her mother (also named Gloria) and her aunt, Gertrude Vanderbilt Whitney went to court, both fighting for custody. Apparently Gloria Sr. was a very young run around, shall we say, when she married Reginald Vanderbilt who was way older. Boom. Shortly after the marriage Reggie died from chirrhosis  of the liver, given he was not only a playboy, huge gambler, etc. but also a major alcoholic. In Reggie's world, money grew on trees yet when he died he was totally penniless. Hence Gloria Sr. was screwed but good. Not only that... all the hordes of money that Reggie would have inherited did not pass to wife but instead to daughter... today's Gloria Vanderbilt.

I could go on and on about Gloria since I've read everything there is connected to her and in fact, I even saw her in person when she was on a book tour with her first book. Basically it all boils down to Gloria having had to withstand a horrible custody battle (her mother lost custody) a crap ass mother, several marriages, a beloved husband's death and then a tragic suicide of Anderson's brother, which Gloria actually witnessed. What impresses me the most btw, is that Gloria basically withstood this all without drugs and/or alcohol.

Instead she turned to writing, designing, painting and earning zillions of bucks on her own. But don't imagine Gloria came out of all this unscathed, however. She was in fact deeply affected by many things... thus she is terribly shy, even childlike at times. On the other hand... her many many paintings are BEAUTIFUL, showing her true talent yet even in those, you can often see some sort of muted, distanced figures in them. She married some mighty impressive men too, btw. In any case, she lives quite glamorously which naturally, is so up my alley. 

All I know is that Gloria is one hell of a woman... I would kill to become her friend. Which I guess would easily happen were I to ever befriend Anderson first. If only, right?? Okay... so that won't happen, damnit but still... Gloria is just so remarkable that she clearly lives on my list of alltime favorites along side Jackie O., Princess Diana and Tina. She may even have to move up to No. 1 now that I think of it since a.) she is oldest and b.) she has had to overcome odds even bigger than the others, which is no easy feat, trust me. 

NEWS FLASH: you SO have to watch Gloria's 2 hour special with Anderson btw... NOTHING LEFT UNSAID. So f'ing amazing. As we speak, I am reading Little Gloria and you can only imagine how much I'm loving each and every word in this book. Am also reading TransAtlantic btw, which is no comparison if you ask me. I am not enjoying Trans all that much but I'm stubborn... so will continue to finish it; but I won't like it. Anyway...

I do have to say that I find it astounding that given all of Gloria's money... PLENTY of it, I might add... she is not giving any of it to Anderson when she kicks the bucket. WHAT?? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? WTF IS THAT ALL ABOUT?? Granted, Anderson says he's totally fine with it since first he doesn't need a dime of it and second he feels that inheriting money definitely keeps one from developing a strong sense of working ethics.

I of course would slit my wrists were my parents to have had hundreds of millions of dollars and not left me a thing, but hey. That's just me. I LOVE inheriting easy money although Anderson does have a point. I AM the laziest person you'd ever want to meet but then again... were I on CNN's payroll and I had a show all my own, I'd be thrilled to bypass an inheritance in exchange for a huge television paycheck. Well, maybe. 

In the meantime, my recommendation for the day is to clearly learn more about the Vanderbilt family. Beginning with Gloria's Great Great Gramps... Cornelius "Commodore" Vanderbilt. Not only are the men in this lineage unbelievably amazing but whoa... the women are equally so! I have biographies on all the big players in this family, men and women, and I totally treasure them. I also adore Biltmore House btw, which is about a half hour away and I'm so telling you... this is SOME summer home that George Vanderbilt built, alright. You can't even imagine the opulence. 

I so would use this shot to claim as my own home. COMING TO TOWN? GREAT. COME VISIT ME! I'LL LEAVE THE LIGHT ON.

    


    

THE COVER STORY

Some things just don't need explanations. Kinda like the covers of the New Yorker Magazine... a mag that I've read since my early 20s. It began publication in 1925 and to this very day has had the most fantastic coverage of content. As in: reports, fictional stories, satire, reviews, commentaries, profiles, etc. etc. and best of all... pointed, ingenious cartoons. All of which is about current culture and naturally is centered around life in New York. Although don't be fooled. Zillions of people all over the country read this periodical and have done so since it's inception. Bottom line: this magazine is TOTALLY widely respected.  

In particular... the New Yorker is known for it's covers. FANTASTIC covers, I might add. Hence why I adore these covers given so many times, the depictions are so spot on let alone so damn creative, filled with incredible humor. Not to mention: just plain brilliant. They just don't need explanation. One look at the cover and boom. You get it. 

BTW... up above you see the cover of the very first publication. Sooo New York-ish for way back then. Anyway...

The New Yorker is also know for it's hilariously funny cartoons. In fact, throughout the years, I have often given the hard covered editions of collections of these cartoons for gifts. I think they publish the cartoon albums in 25 year increments and you can spend hours just skimming through these books, laughing your ass off, thinking: how DO these people come up with such great humor? The inherent wit holds up year after year. Regardless...


Today's entry needs very little words; besides I could go on and on about these covers. Instead, I'll just show you some of the magazine's greatest recent ones and hopefully you too, will see how exceptional the creative aspect of them are. I love Kim Jong-un's the best I think. However... they're all totally great! See if you too, get a chuckle. If you don't... then what can I say? It's time to come out of your cave.

DEFENSE OF MARRIAGE ACT

(I of course adore all three)

OBAMA CARE

TOTALLY SCARY

TIME MARCHES ON

COVER SAYS IT ALL

NEVER MEANT TO CAUSE YOU SORROW...

THE FIRST CARTOON COLLECTION

    

JOB WELL DONE

I totally have to give myself credit. As I've mentioned before... ever since the Pantone Color Institute announced that Rose Quartz was their color of the year, I have made it my full time job to be sure I secured every fashion garment known to man and in my size, to create a wardrobe of the the most stunning pale pinks ever. I looked in stores, I looked online, I looked everywhere... and as of today... I have to completely pat myself on the back. Yippee. Mission finally completed!! And I am thrilled to no end.

I now have a fantastic wardrobe of beautiful pink slacks, tops, cardigan dusters, sweaters, crop pants, accessories, skirts, gaucho pants, etc. etc. You name it, I bought it and thus added it to my zillions of other pieces of clothing. In every thing from casual to dressy, from winter weight to summer weight, from cheapie costs to pricey bucks... and everything in between. Some people create art work or music or gardens. I create a major personal wardrobe. And frankly.... I just couldn't be happier.

My extensive search pretty much ended the other day however (I hope) with a delivery from Neiman Marcus where I found in their online Last Call department the most stunning pink cashmere dress/tunic you ever saw. The shade of pink is THE perfect color and I was delighted not only to have received it but also to have worn it the other night to the MOST fantastic two hour show of Elvis' best songs EVER. I swear to God... the guy was almost better than Elvis himself! I didn't even have to die to go to heaven.... I WAS in heaven right smack there in the theater. But.... I digress. 

How much money I may have spent on all these lovely pale pink clothing items, I have no clue. But I couldn't care less because the bottom line is: once this year is kaput, that will totally be it for Rose Quartz selections. A new color of the year will enter in 2017 and boom. My chance to load up on my favorite color... other than white... will gone forever. Oh yeah... I also loaded up on some simply gorgeous pale blues, too.

Which has all come about just in time for Spring. So far the weather this Spring has been outstanding and you can so be sure I'm wearing my pale mints, pale pinks and pale blues like there's no tomorrow. Well except for tonight that is, given I'm headed to a catered barbeque and I wouldn't dare take a chance of spilling only God knows what in the lap of my pretty pastels. I mean I'm pretty good at laundering stains but seriously. Barbeque sauce on pink? Totally can't be a good thing.

What IS a good thing, btw, is the fact that after two weeks on Prednisone for my lower back, my feet are FINALLY coming back to normal size. Oh man. I can't beLIEVE the swelling I was dealing with last week. It was so freaky. I totally love my ankles and yet for  the past week they were triple the size! Let alone the withdrawals I was having from the drug. Jesus. I felt like I was coming down from coke or something. VERY weird. 

On the other hand, I LOVED the speed that must be in the med for I am telling you... like I think I've mentioned in another post... I got more chores done in 2 weeks than in the past 12 months! It was soooo fantastic. Granted, the 4 day crash from it all was not pleasant at all, but hey, was totally worth it given I checked HORDES off items off my To Do list. In the meantime....

I'm going to see Amy Schumer this weekend... yippee!... and I'm pretty sure I'll be wearing pink. Which reminds me of that Pink Moon picture you see up above. Despite the color, the moon doesn't actually turn pink, but regardless, the American Indians... may moons ago... decided to call the April full moon the Pink Moon in honor of the pink flowers that grow during Spring. 

And I can totally vouch for that. You should SEE the stunning magenta pink rhododendron blooms I now have on the plants in my front garden. OMG. Soooo beautiful and totally pink. The exact pink, btw, that I DON'T want in my clothing. Way too intense in the color dept. if you ask me. For outdoors? Fantastic. For my wardrobe? Uh... no thanks. On the other hand if it's good enough for God, maybe it should be good for me. But I'm totally not sold on it yet. Here. Check out the blooms for yourself. Outstanding, right??

OMG. I'M IN TOTAL SHOCK. I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

Just as I typed that line about not being good for my wardrobe, I happened to look down and lo and behold you won't beLIEVE what color pink is in the top I'm wearing, as we speak!! I have on a great white tunic with lots of pale pink geometric flowers printed on it... ALL OUTLINED IN THE EXACT DEEP MAGENTA PINK THAT MATCH THE RHODODENDRONS THAT ARE IN THE GARDEN. Wow. I had NO clue I had that deep pink color in my closet let alone currently on my body. Man. That's so nuts especially since I love this top and wear it often. Jesus. Yet again... what a jerk I am.


In the meantime I've major binged, listening to Purple Rain a zillion times already. Sooo f'ing great. 

BAPTISTS' GOT TALENT

Oh man... I so can't believe what happened when I woke up a couple of Sundays ago. Well... the second time I woke up, anyway. 

I first got up about 8:30 and puttered around until CBS SUNDAY MORNING came on TV, which btw just possibly COULD be the best show on the airways, but whatever. I then got back into bed to watch it at 9:00, and the next thing I know, I'm back fast asleep until 12:15, with the TV still on. I know. I'm blessed that way. Regardless... as I awakened once again, eyes still closed, I heard on television this incredible singing from an incredible chorus and I couldn't iMAGine what the hell it was all about.

Turns out: I was listening to this AMAZING choir, made up of zillions of people on stage, from the First Baptist Church of Spartanburg... a city about an hour away from me. And lo and behold this choir was singing their pretty little religious hearts out to praise God like all get out. Regular people from the congregation no less. I could not believe my eyes nor my ears. The voices flabbergasted me and I swear to God... no pun intended... they so could be on America's Got Talent. And, they could actually WIN. The soloists were fantastic and together with the orchestra and backup chorus, boom. These people are going straight to heaven for SURE. Some songs were totally rockin' it. Some were were mellow. All were praising God like nothing I've ever seen before. Big overhead screens, major musical and/or speaker set ups, astounding soloists and a really talented choir.

It was crazy because I was totally MESMERIZED by these people. I sat up in bed, not able to move, and watched for at least 25 minutes, thinking any day now I could easily become a Baptist myself. I can't even tell you how huge the sanctuary was! Plus, I almost feel as if one Sunday I've totally got to take a ride to this place and check it out in person. This could even almost certainly become a tourist stop for anyone who comes to visit me. 

GUESS WHAT WE'RE DOING TODAY? WE'RE GOING TO CHURCH! TO HEAR AN INCREDIBLE RELIGIOUS CONCERT! DON'T WORRY... GOD WILL BLESS US FOR LISTENING. BESIDES, YOU'LL LOVE THE SERMON. Then of course we'll go have some bagels, lox and cream cheese afterwards. Even some cherry cheesecake. Or maybe some matzah ball soup, for all I know. Anyway...

What struck me even more was the fact 1.) no one on stage was wearing a choral robe 2.) everyone could sway anyway the music moved them and most importantly... 3.) everyone was 40 years or older!! As in: up to the age of 75, for sure. Major blue haired seniors SO rocking it for God! I am so telling you... this church choir, singing all kinds of praises to God, had me but good. I couldn't move. As I said... I was so damn focused on this deal it was almost embarrassing.  

Now I do have to say that in my tiny little city, Baptist churches are a dime a dozen. I don't get it but man... they fill each and every one of these churches every Sunday . Don't even go near one at 11:00 on a Sunday morning for you'll be embroiled in a traffic jam as if you were on an L.A. freeway. It's nuts. Where everyone lives, I have no idea for my town isn't even that big. I also have to say... Baptists are notorious for being some mighty religiously and morally strict people. Dancing, swearing and drinking are pretty much taboo. Add to that a SOUTHERN Baptist and whoa. You totally have squeaky clean and lily white followers. HUH? PORN?? WHAT'S THAT??

Therefore suffice it to say, they'd want ME in their midst for all of about 10 minutes and then bingo. They'd send me on my way but FAST. Trust me... Dr. Don Wilton, the pastor of the Spartanburg church, would totally cringe were we chitchatting it up at some cocktail party, let's say. Oops. I forgot... no liquor allowed, so it'd have to be a coketail party at best. My political views alone, would put the pastor into a frenzy, I am sure. Recreational drugs and premarital sex could make him drop to the floor altogether. Although I do love listening to him speak given he comes from South Africa and I must admit his voice/accent is kinda catchy alright.  

It matters not however since basically while I'd love to see this BLUE HAIR CHOIR OF N.C. in person, I just have to watch it on TV. I could never be up and out in time to make an hour's trip to see this Baptist church in person. Besides... were I to begin attending on a weekly basis  I'll so have to switch up my religious affiliation and I definitely am not into that. I love to dance, swear, drink cocktails, watch racy movies and vote liberal too much. So not what Baptists are into.

An even better reason for not seeing this choir in person... regardless of HOW much singing talent they have... is the fact WHO THE HELL WANTS TO GET UP FOR A 9:00 OR 10:00 SERVICE ON A SUNDAY MORNING, ANYWAY?? What time do these people go to bed on a Saturday night?? 10:00 p.m?? Frankly... I can hardly even be ready for breakfast by 11:00 at a restaurant a mere ten minutes away, even. So much for my becoming a religious zealot in the Southern Baptist Church, I guess. Speaking of which...

Let me just close with this simply delicious tidbit about a REAL religious zealot... Ted Cruz. I so pray (no pun intended) this turns out to be true. It's right smack up my alley alright. Check it out and then hopefully we can give Ted the boot once and for all.
Hello Heidi ?? Sitting down?? 
    



  

OH WHAT A RELIEF IT IS

Or better yet... what a relief I HOPE it will be. See how happy and smiley I am in the picture up above? Yeah... well, that was shot taken about a week before all this crapola began. 

Man. What a crazy ass thing this deal is. For those of you who remember... at this time last year I could hardly stand and/or walk due to lower lumbar back problems. I was not only in the worst pain I've ever felt... well, except for the kidney stone I had several years ago maybe... but I also totally wanted to cash things in and just kick the bucket altogether. So get this...

Apparently, right smack out of the blue, the same pain has decided to return. Granted not with the same horrible intensity mind you, but still... enough to make me simply miserable for the past three months. And kinda like last year... I almost want to cash things in and just kick the buck once again. 

Month One I just lived with the pain. Month Two I went to the doctor and got some anti-inflammatory meds which did absolutely nothing for me. Finally, Month Three I went to my bone and joint specialist who ordered an MRI. Don't f'ing ask. I totally don't do well going into tubes allowing my claustrophobia to kick in and scare the livin' shit out of me. Hence if I was going to have to do this procedure, I told the specialist to definitely give me calming meds that would render me just short of being knocked out cold. Which he did, and which worked perfectly well as it turns out.

So last week I had the open MRI and today I went back to the doctor to review the results. Uh... they weren't catastrophic but they weren't so hotsi totsi either. Turns out the imaging showed exactly what was going on which boils down to: a protrusion between my lumbar 4 and lumbar 5 discs with some stenosis (whatever the hell that means) which in turn was pressing against a nerve. Thus accounting for the  pain I was experiencing the past 12 weeks. BTW... this is a watered down description of what I think the doctor was saying but whatever. I zoned out after the next part. Anyway...

I of course, simply wanted narcotic pain killers and call it a day. But the doctor said: not so fast. What you really need is a cortisone shot in between the two discs which would 1.) kill the pain for a long time, hopefully and 2.) maybe even reduce the pain for ever. WHAT?? A SHOT IN MY LOWER BACK? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? WITH A LONG ASS NEEDLE? A PROCEDURE THAT COULD IN MY MIND BE AS PAINFUL JUST IN OF ITSELF AS MY LOWER BACK IS RIGHT NOW?? Omg. Don't even ask how long it's going to take for me to wrap my head around THIS new deal. My heart started pounding immediately from the second the doctor told me about all this crap, right smack up to this very exact moment. It's just crazy. In the meantime...

I eventually said to the doctor: Okay. So I have to have this procedure. But up until the day I have it done... uh... what pain meds can I take NOW to give me some relief? He didn't want to go down the narcotic road unfortunately but he did give me a script for 45 Tylenol with Codeine pills. Thank God. Am happy to say I've already taken two and am totally hoping I'll be walking around much happier in no time at all. Otherwise I just may have to resort to my own personal drug store and search for some Vicodin or Oxycodone. All I know is: I'm so not happy about having shots jammed into my spine. It was some bullshit office visit is all I can say. 

On the other hand, I also happened to have an appointment with my internist later in the day, for my quarterly sugar results and yippee. My numbers are good plus I lost yet another 3 pounds. In fact, I haven't been this weight in God knows how many years and if this keeps up I'll be withering away to nothing. Well... until the shot in the back bit, anyway. Which will be in Month Four, btw. I so will be filling my face with every dessert and french fry known to man to help ease my anxiety. Jesus. Talk about being major freaked. Although there were tons of people in the doctor's office who told me they knew plenty of people who have had this shot bit and it was a complete breeze. Yeah, right.    


By the way... Month Five will be my birthday month and I so would love to have all this behind me by that time. Especially so I can then celebrate with a fantastic white sheet cake with white butter cream icing and a side of chocolate rocky road ice cream! For THAT I totally can't wait. Assuming of course that the spine shot doctor doesn't screw up and render me incapable of walking ever again. Should that God forbid happen, you can be sure this will be the last birthday I'll ever see. I don't do well with pain but I certainly don't do well with immobility. 

Which brings me right back to that happy picture. Memorize it given it could well be the last time I'm walking around thrilled to be smiling. In all honesty however... I do have high hopes for this spinal shot to be successful and to actually do the trick. What I'm not thrilled about is what's going on in my head until the deed is actually done. 

Maybe the high faluntin' restaurant I'm going to for dinner tonight will help to ease my worries. If not... a Junior Whopper with fries and a shake certainly will. I so have to consider eating this sometime next week.            

TGIF

Fridays have certainly been one of my alltime favorite days for ever. No wonder... it's the WEEKEND! Although, once I was in college... and from there on after, I totally decided weekends began on Thursday afternoons. Kinda like: time for the pre-weekend festivities to kick in with mighty gusto. Besides... all my favorite Must See TV sitcoms like Cheers, Friends, Seinfeld, etc. were on Thursday nights. Even Taxi, I believe. So boom. There's proof enough that the weekend was well underway. Getting back to Fridays however...

As many of you may know... I simply adore Bill Maher. Who is on television Friday nights. Along with my other favorite btw: Shark Tank. In the meantime, I watch Bill every week, and trust me... the weeks' he's off are major bummers for me. When he's off for the summer months I want to slit my wrists altogether and I totally await with bated breath his return each autumn. It's kinda like a Xmas morning for me. YIPPPEE. BILL'S BACK. LIFE CAN RETURN TO NORMAL ONCE AGAIN! Besides... now that Downton Abbey is kaput I need Bill more than ever.

Therefore you can only imagine how thrilled I was to hear he was coming to my local indoor arena! Oops. I mean US Cellular Center which apparently is what it goes by nowadays. Regardless... talk about being tickled pink. I had seen Bill Maher when he was there a few years ago and was pretty stoked he was now back once again. Even better was the deal whereby we decided only hours before the show to see him and yet we could still get excellent seats (fourth row, right of center) for a totally reasonable price. Well... if $100 a ticket is in your price range that is, but who cares. I always figure: it's WAY less expensive than flying out to California and paying for hotel, food, transportation, etc. Oh yeah. I almost forgot...

I totally thought I would literally keel over btw, given we parked in a lot behind the arena and I am so telling you... the semi long walk around to the front of the building was completely on an upward slant, getting higher and higher with each step. MY CALVES WERE KILLING ME. Also... it was COLD that night so I had on my heavy winter coat, etc. and by the time I got to the front door I was practically in need of a bed for a nice, restful nap. Not to mention possible resuscitation. Jesus. It was so nuts. Actually... up until that evening I was thinking I should make my annual appointment for a stress test at the cardiologist but man. After that walk... I decided I passed the stress test with flying colors save for the fact I was surely about to expire. Anyway...

As you can see from the crappy cell phone picture up above, I did indeed make into the arena alive and was soooo excited to see the show. What really got me was the fact that this place is obviously HUGE and I am basically living right smack in the middle of the Right Wing Bible Belt... yet the place was packed to the gills. Who knew I was living amongst so many other political liberals? Not to mention highly educated. Seriously... this area is loaded with Southern Baptists. Not at this event, however. Were this a holy roller Evangelical tent event, the place would have been standing room only, with overflow all over the downtown streets, trust me. But whatever. Even more surprising btw, was the fact that sitting right smack behind me sat my eye disease specialist whom I figured would be the last person I'd ever expect to see. Yay Dr. L.! Regardless...

Bill Maher had the arena FILLED with people just craving to hear his take on the political state of current affairs. Which was pretty fortuitous btw, given it was also the day of the Republican South Carolina Primary which if you'll recall, was a landslide for Trump. This was SO up Bill's alley. His entire show was nothing less than brilliant. I cannot TELL you how much I laughed nor how spot on he was in each and every observation of the recent political circus. For a news junkie like myself this was major heaven on earth. 

I am trying to remember my favorite bit of his, but I swear to God, each one was even better than the other so I guess it wouldn't be fair to call out just one. Which is also a polite way of saying: who the F can even remember, given I'm old and the show was like what? A month ago maybe? Just take it from me... the entire show was simply fantastic.     

I guess the only other thing I can tell you is... if ever you're in the mood for some highly intelligent discussions and equally intelligent views via Bill Maher, not only watch his show every week, but certainly be sure to see him if ever he comes to your town. You so won't be disappointed. You'll roll on the floor laughing your ass off and you'll be in an arena with like minded people as brilliant as myself. (I know but I just had to throw that in)

Lastly... while I was with Bill right after the polls closed in South Carolina let me just say tonight the polls in North Carolina closed about 15 minutes ago. I am almost afraid to watch the results although I will so be glued to my TV. I Felt the Bern alright, and voted for Sanders in early voting but I am pretty sure Hillary will take the night. Trump on the other hand? 

OH. MY. GOD. This guy should make you SHIVER with fear in the unlikely event he wins! Holy Fuck. If he wins tonight and then goes on to defeat the Democratic candidate PACK YOUR BAGS NOW. In fact... here's a great educational article I can offer up for us in case we DO have a President Trump. Grab Your Suitcase Scroll down and you'll see just what we need to know about moving to Canada. LOL 

I particularly love the last item we need to know which is: learn French. Which is way too bad given I myself am schooled in Spanish only. On the other hand... if I go to Toronto... that city and a slew of others, are heavy into English. Whew.

In closing: while sitting here, I just heard Trump won Florida over Rubio. YIPPEE. I hate Lil Marco. Although I will admit... he made an excellent point whereby I'd LOVE to know what sort of package each of the candidates are sporting. Takes judging a book by it's cover to a whole new level, right?? However... Lyndon B. Johnson wins that prize, hands down, but whatever.

Regardless, we're major screwed no matter who wins the Republican Primary which makes me only want to be sure to hear Bill Maher even MORE this week. I urge you to do the same.           

MY EXCELLENT NEW HOBBY

Stop the presses. THE most fantastic new idea has come to TV and I totally cannot get enough of it. It makes karaoke sooo passé. What can it be, you may ask? Easy: it's the new lip syncing battles all over television and it's FANTASTIC. I so love this. Mainly because any of us can do it and any of us would be great!

I love it so much, that I was up for hours and hours the other night watching hordes of lip syncing clips on YouTube and though I marched into the bedroom barely able to stand up any more, it was so well worth it. Well... okay. I had to also watch a zillion other videos since I always seem to get led from one clip right smack into another but whatever. I think I finally ended with Pink and Nate Ruess singing JUST GIVE ME A REASON, which I adore, btw.

In the meantime, how I even came across this brand new delight I don't even remember. Oh wait... I do. Over a year ago I began watching videos of Jimmy Fallon and guests battle it out with lip syncing and they were way stupendous. In fact... if you so desire and have loads of downtime, definitely check them out at: Jimmy! You won't be disappointed, I promise. I particularly love Kevin Hart singing Katy Perry's Roar... totally great!

Then about a year ago, James Corden from the Late Late Show decided to do an even better deal.

He decided to get top notch great singing stars to ride in a car with him, and just like you and I do, they not only chit chat but also sing to that particular star's music via CD I guess. OUTRAGEOUSLY great viewing. And listening. Each segment is about 10 minutes long, so you get to hear several hit songs being sung by the two of them. Btw... I cannot beLIEVE how well James knows every word to every song but then again I can do the same for every song from about 1950 I bet. Granted, when you begin getting near the year 2000 my personal lip syncing playlist ability goes down like a submarine, but still... there are plenty I do know, believe it or not. In the meantime, you so should head over to James! to watch all of his incredible videos.

Now as if THAT'S not enough....

Along comes Spike TV where LL Cool J hosts a show on which out and out actor celebrities lip sync on a show called LIP SYNC BATTLE so now for SURE I'm in my musical glory. DEFinitely check out: LL Cool! and watch. Soooo up my musical alley! My alltime favorite btw is the battle between Emily Blunt and Anne Hathaway. 

Not only does Emily sing Janis Joplin PERFECTLY but when Anne climbs upon the wrecking ball I went nuts with delight. Speaking of which... EVERYone in all these lip syncing battles sings each and every word to a tee!!! Here... check this out and see if you agree about Emily vs. Anne. Not a single mistake in the whole bunch! Spoiler alert btw... you absolutely need to record LL's show because you'll want to see the battle itself only... the other parts suck... so you'll want to fast forward for sure. Or... just watch the YouTube clips. Anyway...  

Some of my alltime favorite car rides were always when I was with whomever and together we would belts out songs aplenty while the CD ... dare I say even with cassette tapes, too... blared out our best loved musical tunes. In fact once, while on a 3 hour car trip from Chicago, Illinois to Sturgeon Bay, Wisconsin I sang EVERY song that came on the doo wop rock and roll station, delighting my husband to no end. And best of all... forget about the fun you will have singing with friends, but talk about making the entire drive seem to fly by!! Anyway...


In my next life I always said I wanted to come back as a stunning, famous, wealthy singing star. Being Tina Turner would be ideal save for Ike beating me up. On the other hand, if I returned as a male then the genius of Elton John would good... bypassing my being gay though. I do love dressing up however, so maybe it could work out afterall. In any case, having a voice would definitely help and unfortunately mine is totally flat which I guess accounts for my not being famous in this life. I'm not even stunning nor wealthy so all in all, I'm doomed until I reincarnate. 

I do have a microphone in my kitchen area though so anyone who DOES have great voice is always welcome to put in some music and happily entertain me for an hour or so. Being entertained IS a favorite delight of mine, don't forget. Btw... what is really great about all these battles is the fact that each contestant chooses the song rather than the artist which almost always means: a he is singing a song by a she. And a she is singing a song by a he. No gender barriers at all, in other words. Just great music.

And speaking of music... yippee. Tonight is the Oscars and I'm counting on it be wonderful viewing. I've seen alot of the nominated movies and frankly... would love to see Spotlight win as best film. I also loved Brooklyn. The Big Short is a must see btw just to affirm the fact the entire financial sector of our country is crooked and wicked. Kinda like our Republican congressmen. Just saying.

PINK... THE NEW NEUTRAL

When I was a little girl my Mother always dressed me in pink and my sister in blue. Especially if it was for special occasions. And frankly, I was pretty happy with those color choices. In fact, not until I became blonde and now silver, did I ever wear shades of blue. Thus pink was always a favorite of mine, and so it remains to this very day. Not hideous, garish shades of neon pink... but soft, pale, happy colored pink. Which reminds me...

Have any clue just how many shades of pink there actually are?? Oh man... so unbelievable. Case in point: you want flamingo, salmon, dusty rose, vintage pink, blush, bubblegum, fuchsia, raspberry or even cotton candy maybe?? And if that's not enough, this is a mere short list of the pinks from which you can choose! Seriously. There are hundreds of shades and most of them make me nauseous. I don't want a lavender pink. I don't want a peachy pink. I don't want a major saturated pink. I don't want a frilly, 11 year old girly pink. I just want a stunning soft, pale, sophisticated pink.

I found it in a pair of my shoes. I found it in several of my shirts. I found it in a favorite handbag. I even found it in a soft fur like infinity scarf that I love wearing around my neck to keep it nice and toasty with my winter coat . And then... OMG. I FOUND IT IN A COTTON/QUILTED BEDSPREAD. Don't even ASK. I am so delighted I cannot even tell you! You see it up above in the picture and I just couldn't be happier.

Talk about a total stroke of luck btw, since it was such a fluke that I even walked into the store to begin with. Of course there is a slight glitch I must admit; however I shan't let that stop me from being madly in love. Turns out the only matching shams they have, come in either standard or euro size and no matter how often I search online, I can't find the king sized. Damnit. However I can live with that since apparently I had to sew my own pair of matching shams, but no big deal. I was totally up for the challenge.

This is so going to be a banner year for me btw, given this pale pink is the color of the year. YIPPEE. IT'S ABOUT F'ING TIME is all I can say. Thus my many many thanks to Leatrice Eiseman, from the Pantone Color Institute, who selects the top color each year. Forget about emerald. Forget about orchid. And surely forget about tangerine... all past colors of the year, I might add; let alone 4 million other colors. FINALLY IT'S PALE PINK'S TURN. In fact, the official color is named ROSE QUARTZ but as if that's not enough... 

THIS year they couldn't even decide on just one color... SO THEY WENT WITH TWO!! The other being Serenity Blue but that color sucks in my book. It looks way too much like Wedgewood blue but who's counting. Pair up the pale pink with pale beige or even white sheets and a couple of upscale-y looking throw pillows and bingo. You've got a home run. 

Plus... this pink is also now considered a perfect neutral so as not to comPLETEly freak out men joining you in the bedroom... always a consideration if you ask me. I mean seriously. If Mamie Eisenhower could get Ike to live within HER floral pink bedroom and bathroom, then THIS color will be a breeze for men to live with, trust me. 

Well, as long he's sharing the room with a woman, that is. Otherwise I'd have to think twice about the guy. Just saying. Besides... men should have way more interest in other bedroom concerns than a highly sophisticated pink, if you catch my drift. On the other hand, switching out the pillow color is major easy to help the look more manly if need be. After all, pale pink coupled with a chocolate brown color is considered major stunning.  In the meantime...

I had gone out to dinner tonight and as soon as we were finished I hightailed it right smack over to my local fabric store to see what sort of choices I had for making matching shams and/or pillow cases. I had already ordered some sheets online, and am pretty psyched about them, too. Turns out the pillowcases and the sheets go perfectly with the bedspread am totally sitting pretty in pink. Oops. I mean sleeping.

BTW... don't come over to my house today. All this bedroom linens deal lit a fire under my ass and next thing you know, I went through all my entire linen closet, purging huge amounts of linens. Hence there are old pillow cases and sheets strewn all over my family room as we speak. Case in point: I never use a top sheet... merely my comforter, microfiber blanket, duvet cover or bedspread. 

Consequently I have about 6 or 7 top sheets I need to discard unless I first decide to make extra pillow cases out of them first. I've already cut apart 2 sets so whether or not I do the others will depend on just how lazy I am. Which has a better than good shot at being the end game, believe me. Regardless...

I'm so loving my pink quilted blanket. It makes me smile everytime I enter my bedroom. And yes... I do normally make my bed almost every day. I have to, given I love to get into a well made bed each night. As in: nice shower, nice night gown, nice inviting bed. Boom. I'm ready for lovely dreams. Which is pretty well timed if you ask me given Valentine's Day was just yesterday. Which naturally means: chocolates on the nightstand. It's kind of like a rule, right?


Anyway... just in case you're wondering... here are two pictures of me in pink. The first is at my brother's Bar Mitzvah. I know... don't ask. What totally ass holy little girls Claudia and I looked like. Trust me... we still cringe at what utter dorks we were back then. I was 8 and Claudia was 7. What can I say other than: barf. 

Regardless... the other picture is me as a bridesmaid in my brother's wedding. Big difference, right? Talk about thank God for small favors. BTW... how much do I love the gloves!! I still do, to this day.

WHITE HAIR REVISITED

I do have to start off by saying I had a perfectly fine holiday season. I totally love when that happens. I also totally love that... lo and behold... I do pretty much think: mission accomplished! 

I had predicted that by New Year's day I'd have totally white hair. Well... it almost happened, as you can see up above. Case in point: I'm not really white like my Mom. Instead I'm silver. Another case in point... I have about another half inch to go on my longest side, before I can claim absolute victory. I'm not complaining however, given many folks have given the natural color a resounding thumbs up. Not that I necessarily listen to these folks mind you, since I myself know what I like best, I know what looks best and basically I know what best captures my personal fashion sense. Or lack of it, but who's counting.

Okay. So that's the first tidbit I have to say. The next one is that OMG. Winter arrived last weekend and it' f'ing freezing outside! Yesterday I thought I was living in the "Land of Lincoln" state of Illinois with temps like those in the "Green Mountain State" of Vermont. Combine these two places and bingo. IT'S COLD AS SHIT. Not that it's all bad btw, since it totally gives me a chance to wear my alltime favorite mink. 

The third tidbit I have to pass along is: I'm a total idiot. But it's not necessarily my fault since I really blame the keyless entry folks who made my car. For some reason they decided we didn't need actual keys to get into our cars anymore and consequently, we're basically scammed into thinking we turned our car off when in fact we didn't. 

Case in point: last week I went to meet up with a bunch of people for lunch and next thing you know, I find a great parking place, I gathered my coat and purse, got out of the car and then headed on in to the restaurant. I must have been inside for almost a couple of hours and when it was all over, I happily marched back to my car. Even as I approached it I was stymied cause I couldn't figure out why the hell my headlights were on. Huh? WTF?? How'd that happen? Why did it happen? What's going on here, anyway? 

Turns out: MY CAR WAS STILL RUNNING. The entire time I was having lunch no less!!! The keyless entry system in no way let me know that I hadn't turned off the ignintion! I don't think, anyway. Oh man. I can't even believe someone didn't hop right in and totally drive away. Don't even ask. So much for bullshit inventions, if you ask me. In any case...

The fourth tidbit I should mention is kind of interesting. I got out of the shower a couple nights ago and went to grab my beloved white bath robe since I'm always freezing when I step out. Oops. No robe on the hook. Apparently I completely forgot I had washed it and it was still in the dryer which naturally did me no good while hopping out of the shower. So I immediately headed to my closet and grabbed the red, heavy Japanese silk robe that belonged to my Dad and which I just couldn't ditch when he passed away. Talk about warm! I was in my toasty glory. 

Was even MORE in my glory however, when I put it on, tied the sash and then put my hand into one of the pockets. All of a sudden I'm feeling something and was STUNNED when I pulled my hand out only to find I was holding onto... sitting down??... a baggie with at least a half ounce of pot!! OMG. I have no idea where it came from! I laugh even now just thinking about it. Jesus. Can you even imagine?? All I can think of is that I must have hid it there years ago and totally forgot about it ever since. One hell of an after bath body splash is all I can say. Use the splash. Boom. You're mighty trashed.

Which kind of brings me back to my silver hair. Which btw, someone at the vitamin store complimented me on yesterday. Although they used the term platinum to describe it's color. As in: the silver metal. But whatever. My problem now is that while yes, I am almost totally silver... according to my bathroom lights above the sinks... I'm still blonde!! Damnit. The bulbs seem to cast this yellow light upon my hair and after all this time trying to go natural, it pisses me off but plenty. I not only want my silver hair but I also want to SEE my silver hair. Which actually I can do if I take a mere 10 steps to my bedroom's long view mirror. Yippee. No yellow casting light bulbs. 

As a side issue btw, my next project just may be to let my hair grow to chin length so I can once again pull my hair back into a chignon. THAT project however is going to take another freakin' year and I can't imagine my being able to commit to it as of yet.  On the other hand... if I begin now... by NEXT New Years, I will be sporting scrunchies up the kazoo once again. Do they even come in a silver color? Hmmmm. Should I or shouldn't? Anyway...

In closing let me just show you two picts I came across on the internet which turned out to be as good as any to begin my 2016 with a chuckle. Check them out and see if you too, get a kick out them. I just love when my funny bone is tickled and believe you me... these did it a heartbeat. And oh yeah... DEAR GOD: PLEASE LET ME WIN $900 MILLION. THANK YOU GOD. AMEN.

Japanese Sale Signs

Wntd: Women and Beer

HAHAHAHAHA. What a guy, right? Besides... I see that at the last minute, he decided to add in the whip. He does however, get points for excellent handwriting.