DIANE

All I can say is: shoot me now. What a crazy ass bullshit day today was. Oh... it didn't start OUT that way... but man... NOW?? Holy M.F. is all I can say. So get this...

I get up nice and early so I can get to the store to pick up my new iPad Air which the salesman and I were going to set up. Yippee. Mission accomplished. Cesar had things going spiffy has hell for me and I got back home in the early afternoon, naturally having a dandy ole time playing with all sort of items on the new iPad. I was totally loving it. Until about an hour into it, that is. 

It's about then that I got a call from Claudia. UH... I HAVE SOME BAD NEWS... DIANE PASSED AWAY. What??? Diane??? WHEN?? HOW?? JESUS CHRIST. THIS IS CRAZY!! Believe me... I was so startled I could hardly wrap my head around it all.

So it's important to know here that Diane is my first cousin. We were born two days apart. Both our Mothers were in the hospital at the same time and she was born on the 17th and bingo. I was born on the 19th. Which pretty much meant we totally grew up together. All through elementary school Diane and I were best friends forever. In high school we had sorta gone with separate crowds but that really doesn't even matter. What does matter is that as kids we spent zillions and zillions and zillions of hours together. Playing, shopping, sleepovers, shared birthday parties, etc. etc. We were even in several classes together in school. Get the picture?? We were as tight as two cousins could possibly be, with our 60th birthdays being the last time I had spoken to Diane. 

Okay. So anyway... come to find out yet another cousin called Claudia today to say... OMG. I JUST HEARD FROM DIANE'S BROTHER AND YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS. DIANE PASSED AWAY LAST NOVEMBER!! The fact the brother didn't tell any of us way back THEN is another story altogether but whatever. I was simply in a state of shock. I couldn't believe this entire story. Needless to say I hopped right smack on the phone and found out Diane passed away from kidney/liver cancer and other problems. Apparently she had some surgery that uh... I guess... didn't turn out so great. Besides, what the hell does it even matter anymore. In the meantime...

Just how long you think I've been a total mess since I got this little tidbit of news?? Think: all fucking day long!! I mean seriously... it was one thing to find out about this turn of events, but to also learn Diane died SIX FRIGGIN' MONTHS AGO? Is that a joke? The family couldn't have told any of us THEN?? WTF were they THINKing?? Man. So after a couple more calls back to Claudia, I just had to then call Janet, who knew both Diane and I way back when and was even some of our classes together. Thank God Janet was home when I called since I totally needed to get grounded once again.

As I told Janet, what I also can't get over is JUST HOW MANY OF MY FAMILY AND FRIENDS are kicking the bucket at age 65 or younger!! What the hell is THAT all about?? Man. I am in total shock. Janet keeps me up to date about all the kids with whom we went to high school and way too many have died, if you ask me. It's just all so freaky. And then... 

Things don't necessarily don't get better given what happened next. In hopes of dealing with this latest shock... about two hours after all this occurred... I go back to my iPad thinking yippee. It would help me relax and process things a bit by taking my mind off everything. Big mistake. Big MAJOR mistake. All I can tell you is I am a total idiot because next thing you know... I head to the computer to transfer pictures from my desktop to my iPad and in doing so... sitting down? I ERASED ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING FROM THE iPAD!! I mean: Everything! It's totally back to HELLO. WOULD YOU LIKE TO SET UP YOUR NEW DEVICE NOW?? What??? Are you kidding me?? I erased everything that Cesar had done for me six hours earlier??? Everything I have no clue whatsoever how to ever do myself??

Oh. My. God. That's all I can say. I am so f'ed it's ridiculous. I have no idea what button I clicked on in iTunes, but man oh man, it was completely the wrong one. Thus... not only do I have no photos but now I also have NO iPAD. So basically... guess where I'll be at noon tomorrow, all over again.  SITTING DOWN WITH CESAR WHILE HE RE- SETS UP MY ENTIRE iPAD!! AGAIN. 

I so wished I drank hard liquor. I would down three shots but FAST. On the other hand, I was on the phone with Diane's brother tonight for maybe an hour and a half and believe it or not, it did bring me great comfort. Meaning: I now need only two shot of hard liquor. Talk about not being able to wait to get into bed tonight and bringing this entire day to an end.

TAKE A SEAT

This latest shopping spree of mine began last weekend when I was at the big mall. Little did I know when I began my day that any kind of financial restraint was apparently going to go right smack out the window.

It began with a beautiful bed cover that matches the exact Spa Blue color that I needed... oops, I mean I wanted... for my bedroom. I saw it and bingo. I basically said wrap it up, not even taking a look at what the price was. I totally overspent, but who cares. I love it on my bed. Yet another reason btw, why it's always good to have your own separate checking account. 

Next thing you know my five year search for beautiful white flats is finally over! Man... I am so tickled I can't believe it. I always began my search in May, given that's when summer basically kicks in for me. Big mistake. Who KNEW that February was the time white flats come on the scene? Thus another great purchase to add to the bed spread. Which now means three new stunning pairs of white flats are now sitting my closet. All three are a bit different yet all are so pretty and comfortable. One even has the perfect amount of bling. So up my alley.

Then yesterday, after my manicure and pedicure, I headed a few doors down and checked out Pier One since I really needed to replace two side tables on my patio deck. Which is also something I normally waited to do in May. Again... who KNEW that they are actually shown in February?? Finally, I'm getting the hint and finally I found just what I needed. Yippee. The deck is now complete other than next month when I can begin placing pretty flowers in all the planters.

Add to that purchase, my yearly addition of a wonderful Buddha. This one is a cream colored ceramic Buddha-like statue which I totally love. It's very delicate looking compared to the others I own since this one is not as big and bulky. Maybe about 10 inches tall but perfect for my bathtub surround. I'm still deciding on what to name him. THEN... as I'm walking out of the store...

What do I see but PERFECT bar height stools for the kitchen counter overhang! I have waited years to find something I really love and yesterday was apparently the day. I am thrilled with this particular purchase, indeed. Not only can I actually sit upon one and watch TV while downing some crappy meal I made for myself, but now I can actually work in the kitchen while someone is sitting there, entertaining me by chit chatting, staring at me as I move all around. Excellent purchase on my part. You can check them out in the picture above. Better yet... come over and sit your sweet little ass on one. I love company. 

The BIG delight however, is tomorrow when I go to pick up my new iPad Air that is waiting for me at the AT&T store. I finally got the hint that my first generation iPad is ready for a replacement when it began taking weeks to download new app updates. Plus my old one doesn't have any of the great features that the new one will. I must say... I'm pretty psyched. Supposedly it's going to be much faster, too... and I AM into speed. No pun intended.


So I'm kinda thinking that this weekend I totally better stay out of stores. Enough already with my spreading the wealth amongst my local shop owners. Besides, I better save the bucks to deal with this little mass I have in my neck which will be scanned on Monday. Just what I need... a deadly tumor to contend with now that I've happily got every materialistic thing I'll ever need. Dear God... please don't let me die. Thanks. Amen.    

50th ANNIVERSARY

As we speak, iTunes is playing on my computer. I decided listening to the Beatles as I write might give me some kind of inspiration although to be frank, I really don't need inspiration. Afterall... we're talking The Beatles here. Oh yeah. I probably should tell you right off the bat btw, that I was always the person who put Elvis in the number slot rather than The Fab Four. What can I say? The King is the king.

Don't get me wrong, however. There are zillions of Beatle songs that I absolutely love. Including zillions of their solo songs once the band broke up and branched out. I mean seriously... the minute I hear the opening chords of Paul McCartney's Jet, I get all psyched and as soon as it starts to move into the song itself, the rocking of the rhythm along with all the instruments has me up and dancing all over the place in seconds flat. I totally love it. And, I played the White Album and Sergeant Pepper a million times over while in college. As for Lennon... he's in a class all his own. But even Ringo and George had a few that I also loved. Which reminds me... did you SEE Ringo at the Grammy Awards? Oh man... he looked way too thin to me which then of course made me want to scream into the TV... GO EAT A DOZEN DOUGHNUTS IMMEDIATELY. But whatever.

In the meantime... 50 years ago today the entire country changed. THE BEATLES WERE IN NEW YORK! ON THE ED SULLIVAN SHOW! And boy did they ever make an impact. THE PEOPLE WERE SIMPLY CRAZED WITH HYSTERICAL DELIGHT. Don't even fucking ask.  I never saw such a thing. Ever. Not even when I mySELF saw them a week later in Miami Beach. February 16, 1964 to be exact. When I was 15 years old. It was THE hottest ticket in town, but I was not even CLOSE to the raving fanatical girls going absolutely crazy in the audience.

Granted... both Claudia and I loved the hottest Number One records of the Beatles at the time, but neither of us remember being so damn stricken with orgasmic delight as was everyone else in the crowd. It was more like: YIPPEE. ISN'T THIS A GREAT DEAL?? WE GET TO SEE THE BEATLES PERFORM LIVE! It was far from: OMG. I THINK I MAY TOTALLY DIE FROM THIS MOST EARTH SHATTERING, LIFE CHANGING EVENT EVER IN MY ENTIRE LIFE. Which I probably felt more of when first I saw Elvis, Elton John or Tina Turner in person. We must have been idiots I guess because we had no clue whatsoever we were basically viewing a MAJOR part of history. A subject which Claudia majored in college, btw.

In the meantime, here we are 50 years later and The Beatles are STILL the most amazing band ever. Their songs are STILL the most beloved of all. Paul and John are considered musical genius's and I can't think of a living human being that can't tell you their alltime favorite Beatles tune. Nor where they were when John was shot.

In fact some of my absolute happiest musical moments were when I was in my mid 20's, at a friends' house, TOTALLY blitzed, head phones on, stereo BLARING and listening to George Harrison and Leon Russell sing BEWARE OF DARKNESS in Bangladesh. I swear... I was so high that this song took me to an entirely different universe EVERY DAMN TIME. Which of course is why I repeated this exact scenario HUNdreds of time back in those days. I couldn't help it. The lyrics and rolling melody carried me away like nothing ever before. Bottom line: don't tell ME that drugs don't help create fantastic artists. Nor that they don't help listening to fantastic artists. It was a total win-win situation. 


Oh yeah... get this. The song for my first dance as Mr. and Mrs. at my wedding?? SOMETHING. Uh... Abbey Road for any of you unknowing Beatles fans out there. And with that... am off to watch the special which naturally I'm recording. No wonder. They are by far... the greatest band of all time. 

YOU GRILLIN'??

I totally loved Dr. Geltzer. He was great looking, knew his craft and DEFinitely helped me to look a hell of alot better. Uh...the huge gap between my two front teeth wasn't adding any too much to my school girl looks. Anyway, I must have known Dr. Geltzer for what? A good 4 years maybe?? I was nine when I first met him. And it was a big deal, too.

So who WAS Dr. Geltzer?? Why MY ORHTODONTIST, OF COURSE! He helped ALL us wide gapped, crooked and/or buck teethed kids by putting braces on our teeth and trust me... this was WAY before tongue rings and even grillz. Teeth grillz like you see there in the picture above. Had he dealt with kids wanting THIS sort of look... oh man... I am almost SURE he'd have flipped.

Which is too bad, for fast forward 55 years and boom. Here's what the world now looks like. TEETH GRILLZ! Omg... I am so sure that were I young once again, I'd be hightailing it over to Dr. Geltzer in no time flat, telling him: hook me up! Man. I mean seriously... diamonds on my teeth?? That would be the ULTIMATE bling if you ask me. And I'm not talking the sort that those in the hood would be sporting. Instead, I'm talking the sort that the today's celebs are sporting!

Case in point... you happened to have caught Madonna at the Grammys a couple of weeks ago? Oh man... she was grilling alright. As in: gold square grillz on her teeth. And her young kid who was with her wants them, too. I do have to admit however that I didn't like Madonna's choice of grill, but who cares what I think. The ones I DO like are kinda like the one up above. Can you even imagine??

Plus, I'm even thinking these grillz, if made and applied correctly, could probably do double duty as the retainers we used to wear on our teeth after our braces were removed. Retainers which if I remember correctly I lost twice and then had to have replaced. Now THAT would be one hell of a good looking retainer, if I say so myself. Pricey, granted, but who's counting.

In the meantime, you ever even HEARD of grillz before this? Turns out it's jewelry for your teeth that came from.. what else... the Hip Hop culture. You're welcome btw, for that tidbit of pop culture education. And like so much in fashion, the look originates from the baser types of trends seen on inner city streets. Totally opposite of haute couture, let's say. However... the influence of the street teens can easily been seen in high fashion. Uh... think: jeans purposely torn on the ass or knee caps. Started out almost as a ghetto fad and bingo. Next thing you know, someone's paying $200 for the look.


Anyway... I totally love the idea of really great looking grillz on my teeth. Even if only for 30 minutes, I'd still get a kick out of it. Naturally everyone I know would gag the minute they saw me, but who cares. I'm going with the celebs. 

7 HOURS AND COUNTING

Man. This is just so crazy. The day began with snow starting to fall at about 10 o'clock this morning. And it was kinda like a sprinkle kind of snow. The sort you wouldn't even imagine would stick. The flakes were like the babiest flakes I'd ever seen and I was sure this would totally be a non event. Although I must admit... the temp must have been about 31 degrees I'll bet.

Thus... I figured no problem. I can go do my errands and be in tip top shape. It was only for a couple hours, anyway. Turns out: big mistake on my part. NONE OF US KNEW WHAT WAS COMING UP NEXT.
In the meantime... I left my neighborhood and started traveling down the main roads and I was pretty much chipper as hell. The roads looked slightly wet, but nothing was REALLY sticking. Besides, I needed to get some things done and didn't want to be a wuzz. So... feeling pretty confident, out I went.

As it happens I'm having a dinner party here for 15 of us on Saturday night, so I wanted to pick up some decorative items before I headed over to my manicure and pedicure. I figured both errands were on my NEED TO DO LIST so why not give it the ole college try. Which I figured would be easy enough. Of course all the while... the tiny sprinkles of snow were continuing to come down but still, all seemed okay. Oh man. Little did I know.

I didn't even think there would be a problem when the loudspeaker in the store came on and said: OOPS. APPARENTLY ALL SCHOOLS WILL BE CLOSING AT 11 A.M. DUE TO WEATHER. I know... whoever thought I'd even be OUT AND ABOUT at 11!! Regardless, even THEN I figured no big deal for trust me... the second I hear of snow coming my way, I'M IN FOR THE DAY. Apparently except for today. Even better... I wasn't even SUPPOSED to get snow today. To my south, yes. To my north, yes. BUT NOT ME.

On top of all this btw, as if my day wasn't freaky enough, someone I know is having MAJOR MAJOR HORRIBLE all day surgery today so I just KNEW I had to keep busy to help keep my head on straight. But anyway... the bottom line here is easy. I WAS TOTALLY WRONG ABOUT THE WEATHER BEING NO PROBLEM.

I was even looking outside the entire time my feet and hands were being done just to be sure all was okay. Even then I seriously didn't have much concern. And even when I went to my car... which you can see up above... and SAW THE SNOW BEGINNING TO ACCUMULATE ON THE TRUNK I STILL figured I'd have no problem. 

UNTIL THAT IS... I GOT ON THE MAIN DRAG TO COME HOME. Holy ba holy. 

First of all, the traffic on the highway was crawling. No wonder. Because second of all, there were police cars with flashing lights all over the place. As in: accidents galore. Third of all, I could see my original route was going to take forever given there WAS an accident in front of me. In no time at all... I turn around to go a completely other way. Fourth of all, the other way wasn't nearly as ice free as I'd imagined. It wasn't black ice per se, but this time WHITE ice. Uh... I'm thinking sleet maybe?

Fifth of all, by the time I got onto the secondary roads I then knew all wasn't going to be kosher after all. The snow has fallen steadily alllll this time since 10 and I could tell right off the bat... there had been no salting, no plowing, no nothing. NOW I was getting scared. And I was traveling at what? About 10 mph maybe?? Don't even f'ing ask.

Sixth of all, by the time I got on the road that would eventually bring me to my house I saw that it was ENTIRELY covered with this white ice stuff. And I don't even have four wheel drive! Even the cars traveling on the road weren't producing enough heat to keep the street at least just wet. Seventh of all, you should have SEEN what accumulating on my car. By now, btw?? Oh man... I was totally freaking although I must say, I was beginning to think that if I HAD to walk home from there, I probably could have made it afterall.

Okay. So the weather man lied to me. How do I know?? Because I DID get over a couple inches of snow so far. And here I am 7 hours later and it's STILL going to fall for several more hours yet! Jesus. Were the flakes the regular big, fluffy kind I'd so be looking at snow up to my knees. As it is... I'm ready to down Ativan as soon as I finish this entry. Talk about ignorance being bliss.

OMG. NEWS FLASH: AS WE SPEAK, THE CITY'S PLOW TRUCK JUST WENT RIGHT SMACK UP MY STREET!!! FOUR TIMES, EVEN. Talk about timing is everything!!! On the other hand... I can see already that the white ice and/or sleet is so going to be turning to black ice any moment now. Uh oh... new problem. I just looked up and the falling snow has practically RE-covered the entire plowed street all over again.


What a friggin' day.

POP QUIZZES

For weeks now, my kid has been telling me to download this new app... QUIZUP... to my iPad so we can play together. For weeks, I basically forgot the entire deal altogether. Until that is, last night.

Apparently you need an iPhone but even with an iPad you can download the phone version and bingo. It works perfectly. The app will be coming to Android soon enough but until then, I'm using my iPad. Anyway... last night I decided to take the plunge. I downloaded this game and what a surprise... after five minutes of playing... I COULD NOT PUT IT DOWN. Seriously. I am so the Queen of Addictions thus you can only imagine how long it took me to find that an hour's time passed in what felt like mere minutes. I was playing this game over and over and all I know is:  IT IS SO FANTASTIC I CAN'T EVEN TELL YOU.

You can either play with a friend or the app will find someone with whom you can play. Each game lasts for about 5 minutes and there isn't a trivia category you can name that it doesn't cover. Immediately I went to the British Royalty topic, one of over 400 topics in all. The Music category is great too. You can do Beatles, 50s, Showtunes, whatever. And... if you are like me... you can lose as many games as you win. I also tried the Fashion category btw and totally loved it.

Plus... when you sign on to the app for the first time, they ask for your full birth date. At first you think: Huh?? Why do they need THAT? Turns out... if you're not playing with a designated friend, the app will instead then team you up with someone about your own age so that in the end, you're not playing with a 12 year old. Excellent move in the development department. Plus, I suspect maybe your age also helps to not ask questions about things which you wouldn't be even remotely knowledgeable. Granted... there is plenty of room on this app for hacking your personal information but my take is: everyone in the world ALREADY has access to God knows what about me so why start worrying now? 

I also got to choose from pre-made avatars or I could select a pict from my own computer. Naturally I uploaded Queen Victoria as my picture and then decided to use Queen Linda as my game name. Boom. I was ready to go. Within seconds I was playing with people all over the country and/or world. We had to win as many points as possible for not only getting the correct answer but also for answering faster than your opponent. Which brings me to....


You know how damn smart I am about a zillion things in this world of ours? Well, here's a News Flash if ever there was: Apparently I'M NOT. Turns out the world is WAY smarter than I am. Damnit. Shocking, right?? I decided the person playing the Royalty topic with me btw, must have been cheating or WAS part of the Royal Family altogether. They knew too many hard questions and FAST too. On the other hand... I easily know as much as several other players and often times, more. But believe you me... it wasn't a slam dunk by any means. 

I also love knowing I'm not playing against teen aged idiots high on dope. Well wait... time out here. Now that I think of it... I could maybe find a new supplier thanks to QuizUp?? Hey. NOW we're talking.  

UH... NO. I'M NOT KIDDING.

For a couple of weeks now, I have been meaning to write about my pearls of wisdom regarding Chris Christie, who is definitely on a downward spiral. But once I saw this new exercise equipment?? Oh man. I had to make a 180 degree turn on that topic immediately and switch to this one lickety split. I mean seriously... THIS IS A WAY TO EXCERCISE?? Uh... apparently so. Many, I'm totally sure, just HAVE to be thinking: WHOA. WAY TO KILL TWO BIRDS WITH ONE STONE, ALRIGHT.

Naturally one look at this picture and I just HAD to email it to my core training instructor in seconds flat. Why? Because we use these excercise balls ALL the time! Well, wait. Hold on a second. Not THESE particular balls but we do use the non X rated version in lots of classes. For all kinds of exercises, too. As in: laying upon them while doing crunches. As in: laying flat on the floor, body all stretched out and lifting the ball from the floor with our knees to our hands. As in: sitting upon the ball and merely bounce. As in: also sitting upon them and throwing another small ball to our partners, all the while balancing on the big ball. 

BUT THESE BALLS?? THE ONES IN THE PICTURE UP THERE? Oh man. So never going to be used at a gym, I'm quite sure. And thank God for small favors, too. Plus... get a load of the colors used on this piece of equipment! Geez. Oh yeah... you can only imagine one liner I added to Ansley's email, btw. 

On the other hand, SOMEONE is going to use these balls and I guess they're going to be mighty happy after their workout session. Hence the title... No. I'm Not Kidding. Obviously there IS such a workout  item on the market nowadays. Which means: talk about blending the world of a satisfying work out session with the world of working out for a satisfying session. Now THERE'S a tag line if ever I've heard one.

In the meantime, I actually HAVE switched out my exercise program. Get this: I go to core training still, I do yoga still but now... in honor of the New Year... I am trading in two of my evenings of doing yoga for a couple of nights of instead... sitting down??... walking the Mall. Holy shit. MY HAIR IS FRIGGIN' TURNING BLUE AS WE SPEAK. AND I AM AGING AS FAST AS YOU CAN SAY 1-2-3. I am soooo freaked I am doing the old lady Mall walking bit BUT you can't blame me. I have to! IT'S BLOODY COLD OUTSIDE DURING THE EARLY EVENINGS RIGHT NOW.

Apparently five times around the baby Mall near me is equalivant to two miles. Which of course I'm still working on accomplishing. I'm only at the one mile mark so far, thus hopefully by the end of this week, I'll be at two and half, maybe three times around. Needless to say there was NO way I'd ever be doing this switch up at 9:00 in the morning, so this early evening bit is perfect. Plus... you should SEE all the other people walking as well! I was absolutely shocked to see these folks. Families even. I mean really... this walking bit is BIG. Go figure.


Which, after all the health benefits are factored in, is the total reason I'm doing this walking bit in the first place. To sorta help punch up my chubby like figure. The good news however is that should it NOT help my figure... well, at the very least... I get to have some extra time for great shopping sprees. Bottom line: Either way, I win!

LADY VICTORIA HERVEY

Man. Now THIS is a way to make an entrance to a party, alright. This is SOME dress. Or... what there is of it, anyway. I know. I know. I must be one of a dozen women on the planet who finds this dress one hell of a show stopper and believe you me... were I a young Hollywood knockout, I'd be prancing around in this dress in no time flat. Whoa. Totally sexy.

Anyway, as it happens... this lady isn't a Hollywood sort at all. She's a British socialite. Which of course endears me to the dress all the more. Can you iMAGine greeting the Queen wearing this?? OMG. Lizzie would flip out right then and there. On the other hand... Philip would shine like never before.

All I know is... THIS black dress?? Totally an eye catcher. A major jaw dropper. Uh... okay. Let's be honest. An out and out prick teaser. But to me, it can also be the ultimate flirt skirt and personally, I love the Game of the Tease. How much you want to bet in the end however... that this chick is merely shouting: you can look but you absolutely can't touch? Well wait. You're right. Any female sporting this look, DEFINITELY puts out. But I bet she's crappy in bed, so there's the payback, all you horny guys out there. Unless of course it turns out she's totally great, in which case shoot me now. SO not fair. 

On the other hand... I can't even IMAGINE what the justice system might think if... God forbid... a woman in this dress were ever the victim of rape. Granted NO OUTFIT justifies rape but geez. I'll bet a hell of a lot of deliberation is going to go down before a jury nonetheless renders a guilty verdict to the rapist. But by the same token how much you want to bet the judge also kinda reprimands the defendant by stating "Hey lady. Pushing the envelope while in public is one thing. It's quite another to wear nothing more THAN the envelope". 

Thankfully, I doubt however any woman wearing this pretend dress is going to be raped. Afterall... not too many in the social settings where you'd find this outfit are likely to find a man who can't control himself. Would he look?? ABSOLUTELY. Would he want to touch? PRETTY MUCH. Would he go home and fantasize up a storm? COUNT ON IT. But is Victoria thrilled she's teasing him?? Oh man. WITHOUT A DOUBT.


Which is why it takes guts to wear an outfit like this to a fancy ass party. Not to mention the need of a fanTASTic looking body. Guts I have. However... a smoking hot body I don't have. So basically... there goes any chance I'D EVER HAVE of wearing anything NEAR this sort of flirtatious come-on. Not so much for Victoria though. She's headed to a Golden Globes after party, if I read correctly.

And... if you ask me... while all the others earned their well deserved honors that night, I am totally sure the stars are all second best to the buzz that went down about this dress. Seriously. I think this look SO takes the award of the evening. Oh yeah... in case you didn't get enough of it... here are more picts over which to drool. I even threw in an extra shot from some other evening. Some closet this Lady must have, huh??

  

I SURVIVED THE VOTEX

And frankly, I don't even have some stupid little T-shirt to prove it.

Man... that was some crazy ass way to begin a New Year. I can't even beLIEVE how cold it was last week. I mean seriously... with wind chill factored in, my evenings were like -13 degrees. THAT'S NORMAL?? OMG. It was nuts.

In the meantime, I pretty much have to thank God that all I had to deal with were cold temps. Had God thrown snow and/or black ice into the mix, I'd have been ready for the loony farm in seconds flat. On the other hand, during each of the sub zero days, I was in fact able to get out and about to do what I had to, but whoa. You can be sure I hightailed it home lickety split. Talk about running from house to car to building, back to car and then to another building and back to car again and then finally... back to a nice and cozy home.

Speaking of hightailing it home... last night my next door neighbors arrived back home after being away for a couple of weeks. Which of course now means... I am so ready for the soap opera to begin. I'm thinking it won't be so pretty. I think I may have mentioned this before: the wife is well readied to move back to her home state to be near her parents, family and friends once again. I think they've been here for what? 4 years maybe?

Apparently as much as she keeps telling the hubby that moving back is what she wants, the more he keeps telling her sorry. Not going to happen. Which of course has made her miserable for at least over a year . But not as miserable as he's going to be once he finds out that she's moving back, with or without him. While he's away at work, I might add. Hence one day soon the hubby will basically come home only to find the wife is outta there. THEN maybe he'll reconsider her request, but if you ask me this has NC Family Court written all over it.

 The only other thing I can add for tonight is that I am SOOO damn happy the holidays are over so I can finally get back to a NORMAL WEEKDAY SCHEDULE. I get totally screwed up on what day is what and this week was my first chance to have every bit of my routine back in place. It just makes me shudder to no end to imagine how I'm going to possibly keep things straight in my f'ed up head when I'm like in my 80s. Already I see that my caretakers can surely tell me anything they want me to believe and I'll have no mental arsenal at ALL to offer an argument. I just have to pray I'm not so outta my mind that I wind up turning over my bank accounts and safety deposit boxes without batting an eyelash.


And don't for one minute think this can't happen. I am completely a candidate for extreme senior moments. 

END OF AN ERA

Well... okay. Not an era. But certainly the end of a year. 2013 to be exact. Which I have to say was a year way better than the year before. Thank God. And... a year which I hope will not even compare to the one that's coming up. For I sorta have high hopes for 2014. I know... I'm such an optimist. Or a fool. I'm not sure which one just yet. But in any case...

I am trying to figure out what was the best thing that happened in 2013 and I always keep coming back to the times that I spent with my kid. I always love being with him for he makes me so very happy with his humor and smile and even his crapola. So basically if being with him was the best of the year, then I'd almost have to say I guess everything else was pretty much secondary and thus in that tier, probably equal in the enjoyment department.

I do remember, with major happiness I might add, the night I went to a new Italian restaurant about a half hour away from here. Nothing fancy but OMG. The food I had there was just unf'ingbelievable. Seriously... my taste buds were doing a dance all OVER the place. That was definitely a red letter evening.

I also have to say the most recent thrill was creating all my new necklaces for even as they were being made, I was in my glory as I laid out each bead, knowing that in the end it was going to be a knockout.

I was also tap dancing all over the place on the day my Medicare kicked in. Man... just the thought of not having to shell out over $1000 a month put my delight barometer way up in the clouds. I'm telling you... Medicare is one of the all time best inventions ever.

Oh yeah... I also have to say that the first time I heard Robin Thicke sing Blurred Lines I thought I died and went to heaven. I mean it. I was in the car and I could hardly get out because I transfixed to the lyrics and music. Needless to say one of the WORST moments of the year was when stupid ass Miley Cyrus totally screwed up Robin's performance with her utterly disgusting looking tongue but that's another story altogether.

Another thing that stands out in my mind was when I was in Ft. Lauderdale at the beginning of the year and I got to spend so much time with my niece, Laura. Besides... anyone who is so willing to take me out for a hot pastrami sandwich any time I want, is definitely someone you just gotta love forever.

Anyway.... as I said... 2013 was pretty much a decent year. But I am totally hoping 2014 surpasses it by leaps and bounds. I also hope I score big on any one of the major upcoming Power Ball Lotteries. Whoa. Would THAT ever make it bonus year. But most importantly...


I just hope my health remains good. And I hope yours does as well. I hope we all have a safe, loving, hell of a great New Year. I don't know about you... but me?? Holy Shit. I so deserve it. 

I'M AN ADDICT

Holy ba holy. I can't believe how little time I've had to write a blog lately. I feel totally overwhelmed trying to be sure every little detail in my stupid little life is running like clockwork, thus by the time I get to vegging out, with time enough for writing this blog, I'm just way too damn exhausted.

Of course having to deal with an Achilles Tendonitis for a week didn't help. Nor did my being afraid that the Health Department might come and condemn my house the following week, since I had given my total attention to nothing else but to making at least a dozen of the absolutely most stunning necklaces you ever saw. I was obsessed! Nor did it help that I had been sick with swollen glands, chest and head congestion for yet another week after that. Geez... I must have slept for DAYS until I felt somewhat normal again. Factor in trying to keep the rest my regular life in order and boom. Who has time to blog? Anyway...

The part that I'll concentrate on today is: MY NEW ADDICTION. It's totally shameful, too. I can not beLIEVE how this has taken over my life but I have to tell you... am loving every minute of it.

After years of seeing thousands of necklaces that Claudia creates with beautiful beads, findings, etc.... something in me just sprang right smack up into my head out of nowhere and said: GO BUY BEADS AND IMMEDIATELY BEGIN MAKING NECKLACES... AND MAKE THEM ALONG THE LINES OF IRIS APFEL'S LOOK. As in: big, chunky and LONG. EXCEPT MAKE YOURS WITH JUST A LITTLE BLING.

Next thing you know... I'm at the bead store, spending more money on any one hobby than I ever have for 12 other hobbies, combined. I'm telling you... hundreds of dollars! Over and over again; even with the 40% discounts, I might add. That's the price of addiction, I guess. On the other hand, look how much I'm saving by not having to go to Jewelry Making Rehab. 

Because... for all those hundreds, I now have necklaces that could easily bring in MAJOR bucks were I to ever sell them. Which of course I never would. Besides, these creations conSUMED me for at LEAST a week straight at first and even now as we speak... my entire dining room table is totally covered with my beading supplies. That first week has now grown into almost four I'll bet but man, what stunning necklaces I have. And what pretty ones yet to be made.

I can't believe how beautifully they turned out nor can I believe how happily I can sit making these necklaces while also happily listening to my Kindle read every great book I've ever wanted to hear, for hours and hours. It's total heaven. In the meantime, you need to check out the pictures below to get an idea of how they turned out. Granted... the pictures don't even beGIN to do justice to what the necklaces look like in person but you'll get the idea nonetheless. 

I have even worn some twice already and have gotten totally rave reviews each time. Claudia makes much more refined looking necklaces. I make far more bolder looks. Especially since I wear at least two, maybe three at a time. They completely knock my fucking socks off.

Plus.. this little multimillion dollar hobby is just soooo relaxing. And fun. And creative. And totally fits into my love for instant gratification. Seriously. Who could ask for more? Check out the necklaces down below.


In the meantime... yippee. I'm finally back to the real world, feeling as chipper as ever, enjoying fun celebrations for the Holidays. Oh yeah... Merry Christmas everyone. Hopefully you got presents as fantastic as the ones below. Although I can hardly imagine it.

THANKS BUT NO THANKS

I'm a pretty spiritual kinda gal. But George W. Bush would totally hate me. Although I hate him more, but who cares. Anyway... my sort of spirituality is that where I feel tremendous gratitude for the life I've been given and the hopes that I approach mankind with graciousness and compassion. George's on the other hand, is the kind of spirituality where he was supposedly in church one Sunday morning, grappling with the decision of whether or not to run for President... and boom. God magically, specifically, directly speaks to him and supposedly says: YEAH, GEORGE. YOU KNOW WHAT? THE COUNTRY ABSOLUTELY NEEDS YOU TO RUN FOR PRESIDENT. Boom. Done deal. He's gonna run. Well, God said SOMEthing along those lines anyway. Can you f'ing believe it??

Which to me is a perfect definition of who exactly should NEVER run for the highest office in the land. Really, George? God's voice came into church and sent a message just to you, telling you to go for it? Oh man. I can't even stomach the thought. You don't believe me? Here... read a couple of paragraphs of this article and figure it out for yourself. I'm telling you... it's true. Bush really does think God was speaking to him as if in a vision or something. Frankly, I myself say it must have been an after effect of LSD from years past. But whatever. Anyway... check out this link:

God Speaks to Georgie

I take prayer pretty seriously. And very personally. I have no clue whether or not there really IS a God-like figure up there listening to my prayers, but I sorta hope so given I say two personal prayers everytime I do my yoga session. I begin with a prayer to God, and then about half way through I say yet another. Which is exactly why I almost freaked when I saw this license plate a couple of months ago. The one up above there, in the picture I captured a couple of months ago.

Talk about my never doubting whether or not I live in the Bible Belt. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? SOME GUY IS ACTUALLY DIRECTING ME TO PRAY FOR HIM?? AND THEN PRAY FOR MYSELF, TOO?? Jesus. Since when do we go around telling strangers like me, to pray for them when I have no clue who the hell the guy is nor if he even deserves my blessing. Plus... HE PUTS THIS ON HIS LICENSE PLATE?? Whoa. The prisoner who made THIS plate must have felt some sort of redemption 1-2-3. I was totally shocked when I saw this. I still am, actually.

So shocked in fact that you have no idea what I had to go through to get a picture of this deal. Don't even ask. It was crazy. First I had to keep driving my car while reaching over, digging deep into my purse, feeling all around to grab my camera, all the while trying to keep up with the guy in traffic and then, only due to a stroke of luck.. or God's will maybe??... did we finally come to a stop light. And bingo. My chance to begin snapping away occurred! I must admit however, I probably said THANK GOD at that moment, but in truth I wasn't really thanking THE God. If anything... at the very least... I decided THAT ALONE was probably my prayer for the guy who's telling me to pray. THANK YOU GOD FOR LETTING ME GET A PICTURE OF THIS STUPID ASS LICENSE PLATE.

To my way of thinking... this kind of directive on a car is like me walking into the DMV and asking for a specialized plate (which I did do, btw but that's a whole other story altogether) and telling them to please make it say: SND $$ BOX 240. Can you imagine?? Man, would I ever love to do that. YIPPEE. I'D BECOME RICH!

In the meantime, I definitely take offense at people on the roads that I don't even know telling me I should pray for them. Uh... thanks but no thanks. WHO NEEDS YOU TO TELL ME WHAT TO DO?? I'LL PRAY FOR THE FOLKS WHOM I SPECIFICALLY WANT TO PRAY FOR! More importantly... I'd like to know exactly what this guy ever did to need so many damn prayers, in the first place. For all I know he could be sporting a freakin' stolen car!

So the bottom line here is: I guess this guy is living the life of Riley. No wonder. THE ENTIRE CITY IS PRAYING FOR HIM. Now granted... something really horrible could be happening in his life and he needs support but STILL. On a license plate?? Besides that... I'm supposed to pray for myself too?? As if I'm in need of some sort of forgiveness? Lordy Lordy. The Messiah better show up real soon because I'm beginning to think the entire Evangelicals are totally turning loony and are headed way off the deep end but FAST. And don't think for one minute this guy ISN'T an Evangelical. Remember: I'm in the Bible Belt.


Oh yeah... don't even get me started on this car being a Jaguar. I was behind Billy Graham?? Franklin Graham?? Any of the Grahams?? They DO live in Western NC, you know.

SEAFOOD FEST

I just may have to stay up all night so I can eat all the most delicious foods in the world that I just happened to buy tonight. I can't even believe this. I went out on THE coldest night of the year to pick up some cherry pie filling and shrimp... and walked away having spent over $200. Oops. That's pretty damn pricey cherries and shrimp, if I say so myself.

So it sorta went down like this: After a lovely afternoon of working with Deanna on an invitation she needed for her New Year's Day Open House... I woke up from a long nap all spiffy and raring to go once again. So... I then began working on making an excellent pearl bracelet that I'm sporting as we speak. Man.. threading those pearls is way harder than it used to be given my eyesight is now basically fair at best. But whatever. I'd say that took me about an hour and a half and then... I was beginning to feel antsy.

Therefore I toyed with the idea of should I or should I not go to Fresh Market. Normally I'd elect to stay put given the cold temps, etc. but... I decided the hell with it. I've already got my wooly lined boots on, I've already got my jeans on and I've already got my fleece tunic on, so basically all I'd need to do was boom. Throw on my winter coat and head out. Which I did. Especially since I figured that I'd almost bet the closer it got to Thanksgiving, the better the chances of the store not having what I wanted. Bingo. I braved the elements.

Oh yeah... the pre-bonus to this little shopping trip was that next to Fresh Market is SteinMart so naturally I had to stop in there first to check out the shoe department. And the chunky jewelry, too. Astonishingly, I walked out when I realized OMG... the grocery store is going to close in about a half hour. No need wasting my time on shit I didn't need in the first place. So I hightailed it over to the grocery store. Anyway....

I walked into Fresh Market and headed straight to the pie baking department. Mission accomplished. Got the cherries. However... on the way to the seafood department I noticed: STANDING RIB ROAST - $6.99 A POUND - TODAY ONLY. About two seconds of decision making went into it and next thing you know, the roast is in my basket.

Finally I walked over to the shrimp. But THEN I remembered: the alltime best deluxe crab cakes are there, so yep. You guessed it. Three of those went into my cart. As did 4 lobster tails that were on sale, also one day only. Add to that, the 4 packages of pre cooked huge lobster bits that I like having in my refrigerator for quick snack emergencies. Eventually I got around to the 2 pounds of shrimp and I was then merrily on my way.

Until that is, I passed the deli and saw the baked chicken wings and drumettes that I totally adore. Believe me... my basket was piled up to the hilt. WITH A SEAFOOD DELIGHT LIKE YOU'VE NEVER SEEN BEFORE. Not to mention the chicken and beef. Oh man... my mouth was watering just thinking about the fantastic shopping I had just done. No wonder. I was STARVING.

Which means: just how long you think it took me to get home, grab the chicken wings, pull up a chair and DOWN 10 OF THEM LICKETY SPLIT 1-2-3. I swear. I just couldn't stop! I devoured those deals in mere minutes, not even having put away any of the groceries yet, either. Ahhhh... the glories of delicious food.

Needless to say, my refrigerator is now stuffed with all this food that looks like I'm feeding a family of eight. And, apparently it's going to be that way for a few days yet, given that tomorrow night I'll be going out to my alltime next best type of dinner... Chinese. I can only hope my Fortune Cookie will include something about six more people soon moving in so I can clear out the fridge and share the feast of a lifetime all in one fell swoop.


Bottom line: I'm apparently the only woman in American not stocking her home with Thanksgiving food. I'm doing seafood instead. On the other hand, I sometimes like living outside the box. Uh... the ice box that is.

HAPPY ALMOST THANKSGIVING

Man... I've sported several looks in the past month and this one is the latest. It was also the one into which I put the least amount of work. I have to assume it's because its enough already with the parties that require me to don SOME sort of costume.

Besides... I'm running out of simple ideas. I am certainly not going the purchased costume route, so I basically have to draw upon whatever happens to be in my closet. Which is no easy feat, actually. Case in point: each year I know for sure that I'll be invited to at least one Halloween party. This year however, there were two.

Over the past few years I've gone as an upscale call girl, a Grande Dame socialite, a Japanese Geisha girl and then last weekend... well you see it up there in the picture. I was so over costumes that for this latest party I merely took a black hat I had around the house, taped on a white Pilgrim buckle that I made out of card stock and added a white lace scarf around my neck. Oh yeah... I also wore a pair of leather square toed boots to which I had had already added great pretend baby diamonds covering the entire toe box.

Anyway... viola'... I was a Pilgrim. Not a great costume for sure, but at least everyone knew what I was going for, when first I walked in. And trust me... this look couldn't have been easier. Unfortunately, I had to go easy on the jewels given Pilgrims were pretty blah in the bling department. You know. Puritan and all. Anyway....

I actually had a pretty good time at the party. And it just knocks my socks off seeing what everyone ELSE puts together. IT'S AMAZING. The creations of adults 65 years + are fantastic. Some are pretty ingenious, if you ask me. Of course as much as I loved seeing everyone, equal to that, is always the food. I totally loved the huge container of cooked pasta with 3 choices of toppings. I personally went for the fettuccine on half of my pasta, then the meat sauce on the other half. Absolutely excellent.   


In the meantime... down below are a few of the looks I think you've already seen. The last one however is the look I think I'll go for, for the NEXT costume party I ever have to attend. I got the idea just tonight actually, and I've to imagine it's a pretty easy look to capture. No wonder... again, I can just grab something from my closet. Seriously... like just hard can this be?? Wig... eyeliner... red lipstick. Boom. Done. 

And with that my good friends... I wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving.

DEAR DIARY...

Well today started out pretty good. No wonder... I woke up at almost noon. What could be bad about THAT?? Got up, got dressed and spent the entire day at home. Which was also good since I had all kinds of papers to sort through with the hopes of ditching 3/4 of them. Mission pretty much accomplished on that front.

I also had to tailor the shoulders of a new dress I got, but unfortunately the finished work turned out to be a dud. Bingo... I had to rip the seam apart and decided: the hell with it. I'll wear it as is. THAT WAS EASY.

Got lots of phone calls and chit chatted for a bit before I went on my two searches. WHERE THE HELL IS MY WILL, ANYWAY?? You can't beLIEVE how I tore apart the drawers, cabinets and file folders. It's totally not here. I did find the codicil of the will however, which was done about 10 months ago, I bet. Anyway... called Evan's office and lo and behold... the original is in his office safe! Finding that out however, didn't do much to calm my pounding heart so boom. Downed half an Ativan.

Then I began my next search... the hunt for my new pair of Issac Mizrahi jeans that I was in the midst of tailoring a while ago and quickly put away somewhere when company was coming. WHERE THE HELL DID I PUT THEM? I still have no clue in spite of my looking through every closet in the house. They've been missing for about a month now. Man... for someone as organized as I am, I can find nothing around this place.

I then toyed with the idea of taking a nap, but figured that can't be good for someone who woke up at noon. So... I went through all the papers I wanted to file away and yippee. Found my AFLAC POLICY which I had not seen in two years, I'll bet. I also found the WARRANTY POLICY for my car which I think is only good for another two years at most. Ooops.

Then I tried to find something decent to watch on TV but as usual, found nothing. Totally boring shit although I did spend about 15 minutes of channel surfing. Evan called me back and I got sick to my stomach again hearing how his young daughter is going through all kinds treatments for her leukemia and who will soon have to head over to Duke University for a bone marrow transplant. Talk about heart breaking.

To ease my concern for her, I decided to have a fantastic dinner... a huge bowl of ice cream with chocolate syrup on top. It definitely eased my broken heart to some degree. It also did a number on my caloric intake.

Was pretty happy when my son called. Unlike ME, he was able to get Sirrius Radio to renew my subscription at half the price they quoted me. I had called them twice in the last two weeks, but they would give me no such fantastic pricing. Which naturally is when I got my kid to take over since I've long ago figured out that it is indeed a man's world out there. Sorry Gloria Steinem but it is what it is. 

I considered going over to my next door neighbor's house but was afraid her husband my be there. He's a pilot and has been out of town on his new schedule and it's been about 3 weeks since he was home. I love going there though, because their baby will soon be about a year old even though the wife is already making plans with her attorney to leave the husband after January, taking the baby with her, to live at her parents' house in a different state. Thus... I'm sort of expecting a nuclear war to go down when the hubby returns one day to find wife and kid kaput. Now THERE'S a soap opera waiting to happen.

I did get a kick out of George Zimmerman being in front of a judge once again. I love watching his misery piling on over and over and over. Geez... this guy had GOT to be the biggest joke of all time. For someone who wanted to be a part of law enforcement, he's involved in the law alright. Just on the wrong side of it. What an idiot.


So that was pretty much my day, Dear Diary of mine. I guess I better go wind down now so I can shower and get ready for bed since tomorrow Susan, Claudia and I will head over to Old Navy and then grab some lunch. Best part of tomorrow will be that Teresa will be here when I wake up. YAY. Better yet.. NEXT Wednesday I'll wake up to go pick up my kid from the airport! Have already got my Manly List of Things To Do pretty much completed. Of course I just hope I'll be able to find it. 

PIE IN THE SKY

I totally love pies. Most of them anyway. I'd never do a potato pie nor a kidney pie however, since in my book, they aren't even pies to begin with. On the other hand, I do love chicken pot pies. 

But... if I could choose from some REAL sorts of pies, my alltime favorites would include either a cherry or a chocolate or a lemon or a pumpkin or a pecan pie. A couple of weeks ago, I chose cherry.

It went down like this: I originally wanted to make an apple pie since I had so many fresh apples in the house. I was just going dice them all up and add them to a store bought apple filling product, mixing it all together until boom. I'd bake a sorta semi-fresh homemade apple pie. Already I was smelling the aroma filling the house. Except for one major glitch, however.

When I got to the gourmet grocery store, there WAS no apple pie filling in the aisle. There was only cherry. And... pretty much fancy schmancy cherry too, given the packaging. Not to mention the pricing. Soooo... 1-2-3 my mind thought: HMMMM... APPLE CHERRY PIE. NOW HOW BAD CAN THAT BE?? Pretty good, right?? So bingo. I bought two jars of the cherry filling and raced home to my kitchen to make the delight of the century.

OMG. WHAT A GREAT DECISION I APPARENTLY MADE. I brought home the jars of cherry filling, chopped up the apples, mixed them together and zippo. I added this mixture to my pie tin that I had already lined with pie dough. Store bought of course, but it doesn't even matter. AND... to make sure the top layer of dough was equal to the fancy cherry/apple filling, I even did an egg wash on top before I pinched the sides and vented the top. Whoa... IT LOOKED SO GREAT.

Next I popped it into the awaiting oven and the next thing I know... not only was it done BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY it was by far THE BEST cherry pie I've ever ever tasted!! OMG. I was in sheer heaven. I was also HORRIBLY ADDICTED. I could NOT stop eating this delicious pie! Totally in my glory. No wonder. Just LOOK at the finished product up there in the picture. Well, what was left of it, anyway. 

My biggest fear of course was that I'd finish the entire huge pie in mere MINutes. Seriously... I so could have. Thank GOD for restraint. In fact, I deserve an f'ing medal for stringing it out to 6 days before I downed the entire treat. It was like every damn time I walked past this pie I just HAD to take at least one bite. Which I did for each of the 6 days it lasted. Seriously... I just couldn't get enough of it.

Man was this so damn delicious it's crazy. I so have to make another for Thanksgiving even though I'm not even dining at home that night. Just having it around will make my holiday even happier. The cherries were just the right tartness, the apples were just the right sweetness and the crust was astounding. In fact, when Claudia saw it she didn't even believe I made it, given it was so professional looking. I could SO make this my meal 3 times a day... plus my midnight snack... if only the Calorie Gods would let me.   


Now that I think of it... this cherry pie might even have to take precedence over the Famous Chocolate Wafer log cake I make and trust me... THAT is pretty damn delicious as well. On the other hand... yippee. Just a couple more weeks and I get to taste... tada!... some pumpkin and pecan pie, too! Come the New Year I should be plenty roly poly for sure. As if I even care.

THE KILLING MACHINE

See that machine up there? It's what they call an elliptical training machine. Totally opposite of my core training class btw, given that in core, our bodies ARE the machines. We use our OWN core muscle strength. Which is an idea I totally love, but who's counting.

In any case... on Tuesday I decided I wanted to use my free Medicare Silver Sneakers membership card at a local gym so I could build up some cardio, endurance, stamina, etc. etc. Walking on a treadmill would probably be just as good, but my according to my kid, the elliptical is even better. Given I'd never been on the elliptical, I had no clue how to use this machine and needed some instruction. Bingo. Turns out even an idiot could figure it out but whatever.

And... to make it even better, Betsy is at the gym on Tuesdays since she has a yoga class there. Thus I told her PERFECT. YOU DO THE YOGA CLASS. I'LL LEARN HOW TO DO THE ELLIPTICAL AND WHEN WE'RE FINISHED WE'LL WALK ACROSS THE STREET TO HAVE LUNCH TOGETHER. Yippee. It would be great. Uh... until I wanted to die, that is.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? YOU THINK I CAN POSSIBLY LAST ON THIS MACHINE??? OMG. It was killing me! I wanted to die, and I said so the entire time I was on it. Which by the way was MERE MINUTES. I was absolutely EXHAUSTED within seconds. I mean it. It was crazy. Plus... during those mere minutes? Trust me. I must have taken four breaks, easily. I was STUNNED at apparently how totally out of shape I am, cardiologicallly speaking. Especially since I do core each week AND yoga almost nightly. 

According to the Linda School of Fitness I need to go use this machine every three hours just to build up to a five minute workout! Seriously. If YOU think you're in tip top shape, I highly recommend you go try this out as a complete test of how you, like me, might be totally living in LaLa Land, fooling yourself. Who KNEW I could be this short of passing out altogether? Anyway...

While Betsy was in the yoga class, I was on this machine. And so was Hildie... a gray haired lady of about 75 who was in the row behind me, watching me pant and suffer. It was only after Betsy's class did Hildie come up to me and say: OH GUESS WHAT. YOU WERE ON THE HARDEST ELLIPTICAL IN THE WHOLE PLACE. YOU NEED TO GO TO THE ROW I WAS ON AND USE THOSE MACHINES INSTEAD. Now she tells me. Not only was SHE going a hundred miles an hour but so was the guy next to me and now that I think of it, so was EVERYONE there. Plus... they all were on it for a minimum of about 25 minutes. I was a complete LOSER in this entire gym of oldie goldie grey haired Silver Sneakers. Talk about embarrassing.

So that was last Tuesday. THIS Tuesday I will try this again, but I can see already it won't do shit for me unless I go almost every day, every three hours. I WANTED to go more often last week, but I was so busy that I just never got around to it. Which only means: by the next time I get to the gym, it's possible that I'll want to pass out even SOONER than last week. VERY possible, in fact.


Man. Whoever made up this machine was either THE fitness guru of all time or the most f*ucked guy on the planet. But give me time... I'm pretty sure I'll work up to a six minute workout eventually. It's the SIXTY minute workout that I'll never see. Ever.