Saturday, June 1, 2013

HOLY CRAP


Okay. So I'll give you three guesses what this photo is all about. Think: next Thursday. And... what I need to DRINK on Wednesday. All of it, too. Don't even ASK. I am totally freaked.

Okay. Time's up. And in case you missed it... the correct answer to the significance of this picture is: Gulp. I'm scheduled for a colonoscopy next week.

Which is normally pretty okay BUT yesterday, the minute I picked up these two prep items for the procedure... I thought I'd have a heart attack right then and there in the pharmacy. WHAT? ALL THAT??? I HAVE TO ACTUALLY DRINK ALL THAT?? Holy Mother Crap. Which is exactly what I said to the pharmacist in utter SHOCK when he brought this to me from behind the counter. ImMEDiately my heart began to pound like crazy. And it basically hasn't stopped yet.

Turns out about a year ago, the the doctors in this particular practice totally revamped the prep procedure for colonoscopies. Excuse me? Revamped? This is way more like a COMPLETE OVERHAUL if you ask me. Trust me... I've been having colonoscopies ever since I turned 50 and I well remember the days when you simply had to drink 4 ounces of a MAJOR concentrated phospho soda laxative. And believe me... it was no picnic then either. But whoa. AT LEAST YOU'D BE FINISHED AFTER 4 OZ. But nowadays??? Now I have to drink 4 FREAKIN' LITERS of this poison!! Holy sh*. Kill me now. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I know. I can flavor it with Crystal Light or something, but still. I'd like to slit my wrists altogether.

Seriously. This is just ridiculous. I'm thinking this sort of prepping is what might be needed for animals the size of elephants. For humans?? Totally not necessary. Well, according to the Linda School of Medicine, anyway. Plus... the doctors added an ADDITIONAL cleansing technique. As in: beginning five days before hand (which means today) I have to ALSO mix some of the Miralax powder into a glass of clear liquid each morning which is beFORE I even begin working on the big huge jug concoction. (which means next Wednesday) Can you even iMAGine?? On the other hand... I am SO praying I lose at least 18lbs from this entire ordeal! Man... if only.

In the meantime, this morning when I went to mix some of the Miralax into a drink, MY take was: I didn't even NEED to drink it. Why? Because get this... I was ALREADY pretty much cleansed given I was so damn freaked about all this that I was in the bathroom three times before 10 o'clock! There was no longer anything left in me to beGIN with! Oh man.... this is SO not my cup of tea.

Oh yeah... plus I have to now begin watching what foods I eat. As in: good bye popcorn for the next few days. As well as strawberries, tomatoes, nuts, grains and anything else with seeds. Which I sorta feel is like a free ticket to cakes and ice cream. In fact tonight, I'm going out to dinner so I'm already thinking steak and baked potato which btw, I haven't had in MONTHS.

For now however, I'll simply follow all these crazy ass dietary rules, counting down the days until the big EVENT and then bingo. All my fretting will be well behind me.


Uh... no pun intended.    

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