Thursday, June 6, 2013


Literally. For today was the day I had my colon examined. Not even funny. I can't even believe how poorly the prep had gone yesterday, but I DID try my best. I swear.

I sat with my glass, pouring from my four liter jug and it must have taken me a good three hours to get down 3/5ths of the crapola poison. I seriously wanted to throw up the entire time, but I came armed. I had a glass of iced water next to me so that I could wash out the taste after three consecutive gulps. Plus, in case that didn't work, I also had an orange Popsicle on the other side of me in case I need even further ammo. Happily I used them both. Unhappily neither really did the trick to disguise the poison.

However, after drinking about 3/5ths of the crap, I finally said to myself: THAT'S IT. MY WORK HERE IS DONE. At least I thought it was anyway. In fact, I actually even tried to do another couple of glasses after my shower last night, but I gagged before the glass even got to my mouth so I said to hell with it.

Which is exactly what I told the nurse this morning. I basically said I was pretty sure I was 95% cleansed; go with that, please. Apparently however, they like to go with 100% cleansed. Which is why they then decided... sitting down??... I needed a Fleet enema. Which is FOR SURE something I normally would never EVER consider having done. On the other hand, I didn't want to go through the poison prep bit YET AGAIN, so bingo. I complied. Twice in fact. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT??? THEY GAVE ME TWO!!! Can you even IMAGINE the state I was in before I even entered the surgical room?? Don't even ask. Had I not had one bit of anything left in my colon, I would have CERtainly had a sh^t fit, you can be sure. But alas... finally. I was cleaned and ready to go.

I was given the heavenly meds via my IV and boom. Next thing you know I was wide awake with everything over. Except for when the doctor came in and told me: BTW... WE REMOVED SEVEN POLYPS AND GUESS WHAT? YOU NOW HAVE TO COME IN AND HAVE A COLONSCOPY SCAN EVERY TWO YEARS instead of three!!! AND OH YEAH.... WE SENT EVERYTHING OFF FOR A BIOPSY BUT I AM PRETTY SURE ALL IS FINE. Pretty sure??? OMG. SHOOT ME NOW. I am telling you right here and now, I have NO TIME WHATSOEVER TO HAVE COLON CANCER. And if I DO... I can promise you there is NO way in hell I can handle having a colostomy bag. Are you f*cking KIDDING ME?? DEFINITELY shoot me now AND slit my wrists, all at the same time. 

Which only means, I SO have to pray the biopsies come back negative and thus, I'll have a clean bill of health. I'd have a freakin' heart attack otherwise. For as it happens, I don't really do major, life threatening disease very well. I do MUCH better at meaningless fun and frolic.

Anyway, you'd almost think that this was to be the end of my ordeal today. But no such luck. Because... FOR SOME GOD ONLY KNOWS WHAT REASON... when I woke up from the anesthesia, all of a sudden my right eye was in HUGE PAIN from what felt like someone took a knife and cut right smack straight across my eyeball. It was horrible, let alone so damn mysterious. So...

Wanna guess where I headed IMMEDIATELY after the ass doctor. TO THE EYE DOCTOR. I am so telling you... YESTERDAY WAS CRAZY. TODAY WAS NUTS. Tomorrow better be God damn glorious is all I can say. Anyway... the eye doctor did what he had to do... and I go back in the morning at 10:30 no less and I am crossing my fingers I come out happy as a lark high on weed.

Which now that I think of it, could possibly be a great thing to consider RIGHT NOW as a matter of fact. But I shan't. Instead I'll head to the kitchen and eat some popcorn which I haven't been able to have in a week. You on the other hand, need to head to your ass doctor and have your own colonoscopy. IT'S SO SO IMPORTANT.     

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