OLD FOLKS HOME

Oh man... you so can't believe where I went yesterday. Sitting down? To check out an old folks home! Well... sorta. It's really a retirement living facility but OMG. It's so totally nuts that this is now becoming my future. 

Turns out that I know some people... granted a little older than I... who are signing up for this place. Key word here is: signing up. Apparently you need to get your name on a list, with a deposit of course, so that when you really ARE ready to downsize and move to this place... villas/apts./ass't living/etc... you'll then have a chance to say either OKAY. WHAT'S AVAILABLE or THANKS. BUT I'M NOT READY YET. And then they'll just keep your name on the list and come back to you when something else opens up. My number is 1552 in case you're interested.

Best of all however is that when you DO move there, once you're all settled in... they supposedly can never kick you out no matter what level of medical help will ever be needed. As in: at first I have to move in all independently, happy, healthy and uh... like know who the President is. But once I need assisted living let's say... they'll not only move me up a level but I'll also be able to have totally wonderful medical care. 

And then... let's say I get REALLY old and feeble and have no clue where I am or who you are, or if it's even night or day, they'll move me right smack on up to the nursing home level. Which BTW... I'm counting on never seeing since I've already given directions to my kid to pop a bunch of meds into my hand so I can down them with Vodka or something and gently kiss this world goodbye. Oh yeah... and in case I ever run out of money... yippee. They can't even kick me out due to finances. Uh... well so they say. Anyway...

Yesterday's mission was to see what it looked like and learn just what the costs of all this care could be. Especially given I have no Long Term Health Care plan. But as I said, apparently once you're in... you're in for life. They can never kick you out, no matter what your finances. Which is good since I don't actually know ANYone wanting to actually care for me once I become immobile or am totally blind or can't feed myself. And trust me...  forget about immobility or blindness. Way more important... I DO love to eat thus being fed is way high up on my list.

So as it turns out... the whole set up is really great according to the word on the street but there is... uh... one slight glitch. You have to be able to enter this living community in pretty decent health. As in: you need to be like a real person who can walk, talk, be somewhat healthy, be of sound mind, and basically know what the fuck is going on in the world. Which means: I now have to figure out specifically what the exact time span is between my still having all my wits about me versus when I'll fall and never again be able to walk or even when I might be struck with some crazy ass medical event that will render me ineligible for initial residency. Now THAT sort of timing is kinda hard to forecast.

If God could only give me a heads' up I'd really be thrilled since THEN I'd know the exact moment I should enter this place to begin with. As in: let me know the day BEFORE I become stricken with some bullshit disease and/or problem. Letting me know AFTER will be too late.

If things go according to my personal schedule, I'm sorta thinking I won't need this place for at least another 8 years yet, but never say never. Believe you me... I'll feel really badly to leave my house, but if I stay here... who the hell will help me? Who will nurse me? Not to mention... talk about costly. Full time nursing help at home, which I know from first hand experience, comes at no cheapo price whatsoever. Therefore I do have to somehow figure out the right time to pull up stakes and head on over to this fantastic Pre Old Folks Home. And oh yeah...

As for keeping me alive while I can do nothing on my own but sit and blankly stare at a TV set all day long while dribble is coming down my mouth is SO not what I call quality of living. Which is where the vodka and meds come in. To prolong my life while I have no clue what day is what or can't do a damn thing but gaze out a window in sheer oblivion is nothing more than a financial drain if you ask me. In which case... I'll be happy to merely say: Thanks but no thanks. Do me in and let's call it a day.

The grounds of this place is huge. And the place is immaculate. And the staff are really nice. And all the residents look pretty damn thrilled about living there. Uh... they also look old, but by the time I'm ready for this I'm thinking I'll look old, too. It has a five star rating from the State of North Carolina and it's like THE place to be when you're still loving life, but want to plan for the future. I've got a major choice of  the type of independent living space I'd want but have no clue yet which one I'll choose in the end.


I could have a three bedroom home type space or I could have a huge two bedroom apt. with a balcony and den. Or I could have one of the other 23 zillion layouts. For now... I can only hope that I'll have plenty of time left to decide. Which brings me to: They have my deposit. They gave me a number. Now I just have to figure out how old I wanna be before I check in. Hoping of course, it's before I actually "check out".